Killer Within

Hi Pete,

It took me a while to finally read your work. As I got into the first chapter I was immediately drawn into the story and really liked your style of prose. You did well to build up the tension as Alex arrived home and I was right there with you, until two things threw me off.

The first thing was the constant repetition of the name "Rachel", by both the narrator and Alex. Particularly if Alex sussed out that her partner was dead, it didn't seem natural for her to continually call out her name like that.

The second was how the subject and tone changed so dramatically after Alex wakes up in the hospital. I was so fully invested in Alex's loss that the seemingly sudden shift into lengthy back story telling about Portsmouth and the biker bar was jarring in not-so-good way. Perhaps a bit more reflection on Alex's behalf...maybe exchange all the back story for Alex thinking of Rachel while she walks through Portsmouth on her way to the biker bar...would work better.

Besides that, you have a very interesting story here and generally speaking I find your writing style very readable. I hope you stick with this and keep pushing it here on Authonomy.

cheers -cc

KILLER WITHIN: PETE BOURNER

Hi Pete,
Ripples with tension alright!..the only suggestion is to streamline the paragraphs and cut down the sentence length..they get too long at times...otherwise this reads well to me! Also, think beyond the avator - you will do fine :)

Romilla
Forgetting Sally

I am impressed enough to say

BACKED

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Alex. I also like your use of the first person narrative voice as this allows you to convey her thoughts and emmotions. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your crime thriller a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Killer within
Interesting tilte and long pitch, and an compelling story too
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Well written, shocking work. Good luck with this. I've only read up to chpt1 cos of time constraints but will leave it on my watchlist. all the best, Ceeds

Dear Pete, I love that your heroine will have justice, no matter what. :) What a story! :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :)
Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote.
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs.

KILLER WITHIN

This is most engrossing book. You've got the hook from the start with the train journey and the build up to Rache's untimely demise was exciting, adventurous and enjoyable. You've got the right pace for this genre. Your writing is unique, stylish and polished. If all the book is of the quality that i read then you on to a winner.

Backed

Alex's character is steadily built through the first chapter and he proves a likeable, balanced man as we see him on a brief respite from work arriving in Plymouth and then going into a bar where he - and temporarily the reader - is distracted by the penetrating brown eyes of the attractive woman glancing at him in the pub.
At first we are lulled into a sense of almost complete normality while we see through Alex's POV the closeness of his relationship with Rachel.
So it comes as much of a shock to him as it does to the reader as Alex begins to realise that the heavy police presence at Rachel's flat eventually reveals that Rachel has been murdered. The police restraint of him, his understandable fury at being restrained and, of course, the foundation for his need of revenge is set.
This is solid, quality characterisation and darmed good storytelling/plotting.

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

WOW, this starts of so realistic it could be biography, excellently written, gripping as the tension slowly builds and very unusual, this being a lesbian couple, so a woman is going to possibly revenge the killing of a woman partner. Delighted to back this.
BADD

Good opening, the story flows well, backed, hope you'll read mine and comment.

Good ptich" what does it take to make a normal person turn into a killer? this pitch makes me eager to start reading.
Smart and brilliant pitch.
Backed,
Bamboo Promise
A look at Bamboo Promse is appreciated.

Pete -

Your writing is first-rate; the opening just kills.

But your pitch needs some work.

Who is Alex? What does he want/need to accomplish? Who or hat stands in his way? What's the penalty if he fails?

The whole idea behind a pitch - queries, too - is to entice the reader (or agent) to want to read more of your book. It's not a synopsis, but a selling document.

Sell the sizzle here; leave the steak for the synopsis.

Backed.

And I'd love to see your thoughts on my book.

Best of luck.

And thanks.

-Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

This is a cracker of an opening, and I like the voice a great deal. Good luck with it. I hope it does well for you.

Pete: use Alex Hodge's name in the short pitch. The long pitch just needs more. Not enough info to allow people to determine if they wanna read the book or not. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

I liked this story a lot. Alex is a good character; he's rough on the outside but inside, he's likable and very sympathetic because of what happened to Rachael. It rings true that his driving force after that point is revenge. Your dialague is good; sounds authentic. Altogether, this is a good read. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

This is a strong, compelling piece of word. The emotion leaps off the page and grabs the reader by the throat, holding our attention for page after page.

Backed with pleasure.

Abi xxx

It's professional, Pete, and that's a rare thing. I have a feeling it might get a bit much for me in the revenge line, but no one can deny your talent. Brilliant. backed. Lynn

You establish a great first person voice in the first chapter, but it's the heart-wrenching story line that makes this a compelling read. You've established a solid motivation for what comes next for character that I instantly bonded with as a reader. There's no choice but to turn the page. Well done. Backed.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Quarter-Finalist)

Pete, your first chapter is a smooth read. I like your first-person, narrative voice. Nothing to nitpick in that section.

Good job overall. Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

You have a real gift for switching POV which is not an easything but it works well here! This has the makings of an excellent thriller and it certainly doesn't need dragons or vampires to tellthe story but rather a human being bent on revenge - the best kind of thriller is the real down to earth kind in real time! BACKED with pleasure and I will return for more since there is so much uploaded - what a treat!


liz
The Cheech Room

I can't help wondering why this isn't being read more, i found it a terrific read.

And your writing is some of the best I have read on the site.

Happily shelved

Melxx

This is pretty cool. We begin in London post 7/7, but the explosion our hero fears is from his small feisty bird Rachel.

Then we have a flashback. Normally I frown on these so early, but you need to fill in the pieces and we are already looking forward to a juicy argument.

I think you mean "gleaning information", not "gleaming".

Then a woman. Rachel, I presume. Blimey, these biker chicks are forward, aren't they? None of them came on to me that way. Mind you, I'm not a biker. I've spent a lot of time with bikers and they have this in common: they love to talk about bikes and biking!

Then the kiss. Then back to the now.

This works well cos now we care about what happens next.

"I stood, too stunned to think, too shocked to act." That's a great slice of "tell", historical narration telling us how he felt. So much better to get in his head and give us his groping and disjointed thoughts.

But his anger and punching the copper works well. I am choked, and that's what you want. The pregnancy twist was already telegraphed, and you hardly need it.

This is a terrific opening. Here's a shelving in case it helps.

Nick

P. S. Looking at my "Mirror In The Sky" is optional, but would be appreciated.

Pete,
Excellent writing. You have a great story of revenge (my favorite subject) and good reason to go after the killers. It is an interesting mix of first and third person, but it works, and rules were meant to be broken. Have you thought about writing the actual scene where Rachel is killed, it would pull the reader into the story and make them willing accomplices to the retribution. Just a thought. Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this one. Good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Killer Within is a dark story of revenge told in a masterful way with strong emotion and drama. This is good stuff I'm happy to back.
My one gripe is structure. The story skips about in time and place, leaving me wondering at the start of each chapter [I read the first 4] who is telling the story and when/where they are. Take pity on the poor readers and give us a few bridges/ links to string the narrative together in an easier-to-follow sequence with enough explanation to orient ourselves in each new scene. Hope this is useful when you think about your next edit. All the best.

Hello Pete,

A fascinating start for what promises to be a thrilling story. Hilarious in a curious way as he plays mentally, with the suspicions of the passengers in the tube (metro) following a suicide bombing. You did a great job with characterization and effortlessly introduced flashbacks. The dialogue and narrative are well observed and the descriptions are vivid. Overall, this is a well-crafted story. An extra polish, e.g typos like:
.....had pictured her on the other end, (standing) there.......

will make this enjoyable story even more appealing. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Fuck, I'd kill two junkies if they raped and murdered my girlfriend. This is a powerful story. WL.

The pitch reminds me of The Crow (which I've never read or seen, but I know it would freak me out) This is really emotional, which is always a plus in my book. I'm still trying to decide if it's the right book for me, though... Just ignore me, I'm silly. Good writing.

Very authentic, no one is a superman and all the situations are plausible. This book should do well. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Hi there,
I like the title of this, it's intriguing all on it's own. There is an edginess to the story and a mystery to solve which pulls me in to read more. Your dialogue is particularly good, it's very convincing and makes your characters realistic. You write well, I found this pacy and there is the promise of something, I'm not sure what and I want to find out, does that make sense? As a reader, I found this book has plenty going on, it has the feeling of a thriller and it's up on my revolving shelf.
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Thanks for your comments and your support.

As soon as i get a chance I'll reciprocate and read yours.

Thanks.

Hey, this is great. I like the narrative voice and the dialogue is really snappy. You have created real life convincing characters here. The tension as the MC tried to reach Rachel was well handled. I am going to put this on my shelf and read some more later.
Good luck with this, I think it has been underpromoted. Lets try to give it the kick it needs.
Sue