Big Fish

Well I came back after a taster of chapter one and I am so glad I did. This really is a treat. It's fun, it's gripping, it's very funny at times and scary at others. I see you've been compared to the Island and I can see how but I think this is more of a 21st century Graham Greene. A delight! More please.

Hi Andrew.

Like the way you deliver your humour at just the right time.Perfect!

This is a good story which I am really enjoying. I know there is much more to unfold, but already the characters are firmly established in my head. Love the way you tell us how the *fellowship of the nerds* is taking shape.Brilliant.
Oh before I forget...your prologue is one of the best I have ever come across....you should consider Stand-up comody if your book never makes publication..but I honestly believe it will...shelved.

Well Done and Good Luck with the book.

Frank.

Hi Andrew,

I thought there was a reason I shelved you, and it came to me today as I reread your text. It's immersion. You've been there and done that, and as a result, you can show and tell just any which way you like - the result is a delight in any case. I especially liked the bit from the airport in the van. It made me feel you took that express route yourself once, because you could take the reader there and make him sit in that car.

I'm also impressed by the lack of effort you show in your writing. Somehow it just flows out and it doesn't get stuck anywhere, as happens with mine and 82,939% (note scientific precision) of other writers' texts. I am not sure just how you do it, but I did look at enough chapters to see you didn't spend all your ammo on the first two beautifully crafted chapters.

SO, that's essentially it. The other commenters have made the important points.

Cheers,

Heikki

Really great first chapter. Love the start - how can reading about someone having a pee be so gripping? Lol. Somehow its a very human opening and very telling. The skip to the next bit was a little confusing - is it the same person? Was it the man before speaking to the police? or was it a flashback involving someone else? It didnlt seem clear and left me wondering.

The next section was well told, too. The tension in the man came over clearly, and set up all the hooks and questions that you need. Going to read on, and have watchlisted you.
Cariad
STONES.

'... not the burly Frenchman that currently stood before him ...' 'That' should be 'who.' Other than that, this is a clever thriller with well rounded, complex characters. Wonderful imagery. Sparkling dialogue. Good hooks. Well textured. Hilarious wit. Spot on storytelling. A pleasure to read. Backed.

Liked your pitch and humorous introduction. Backed. M
- Weekend Chimney Sweep
- Sarajevo Walls of Fate

You talk the language people identify with and I think you write like you speak, no airs or graces, just say it like it is.

Don't normally like prologue style beginnings but yours actually works: 'started with a piss...' genius, so funny, so ... yeah, we've all done it. Then the poor old dad. Then the lad. You made me chuckle, sir, thanking yea kindly. Backed by Brammers, The Kingdom Within

The light-hearted start is deceptive, you manage to get menace between the lines. The prologue is hysterical, Stuart's a big kid and sweet imagining himself as Fletcher Christian.
You write like a professional, amusing us and frightening us with ease. backed. lynn

Fresh, appealing, and vivid right from the start. You pull us in effortlessly with rich descriptions and excellent characterisation. Twists of humour help this to stand out from the crowd.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Hi Andrew,
I just had to read this... and I'm glad I did.

Funny and creepy at the same time, it kept my interest for three chapters, when I ran out of time.

Backed with pleasure,
Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Hi Andrew,
I just had to read this... and I'm glad I did.

Funny and creepy at the same time, it kept my interest for three chapters, when I ran out of time.

Backed with pleasure,
Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

WOW - I am so sucked into this - I need to go to bed but I can't put this down. My only complaint - I want more!! This is the perfect vacation read!! BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

Love this beginning. You have a very crisp, aggressive style that is quite compelling...

Hi,

I have backed your book because I found it eminently readable, and because I wish to make it safe for you to be honest in commenting on mine. If you would like a more specific comment please return the favor.
Good luck with it.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

Very smooth prose. I love the detail. Good plot and nice premise. Backed.

This is an easy book to jump into, it's intriguing, the characters are down to Earth, the humour is taut, and the your voice is clear. I like the mystery that you create by hopping around with the stories and locations, introducing a piece of the puzzle at a time; sure, it's not to everyones taste to be left in the dark, but it certainly does it for me.

Andrew

Big Fish starts in an unusual and peculiarly male fashion - the art of taking a piss in a urinal may not appeal to the half of the population who don't. The prologue/C1 in general, though well written, left me wondering the old questions of who, where and why; not even a name to hang on any of the characters. Your choice - but the pitch gave me no clues about a son missing for eight years either, and the hook at the end of C1 was a bit artificial [author intrusion?]. I kept reading though... and discovered what I hoped for with confident narrative, wry humour and well drawn characters in the later chapters. The storyline is interesting and imaginative, and I reckon this is going to turn out to be a real page-turner after all. Backed, but please have another look at C1.
A couple of smaller nitpicks to ponder for the next edit; I found the changes in point of view between Stefan and Stuart a bit disconcerting, and Stefan's written dialect [al-ways, des-per-ate] got in the way [one of my personal pet hates!]. Worth a thought, anyway. All the best

I like your short and long pitch. It caught my attention even though this wouldn't be my usual read. Great beginning. This is a good story. Your first two paragraphs are very long, I suggest you break these up a little as this is what gives the reader the first impression. You use quite a lot of adverbs. I strongly suggest that you try to replace some of these with stronger verbs as this will strengthen your writing.

Hi Andrew

Three chapters in and I'm loving it.
Fantastic intro!
Love the blend of humour mixed with the underlying threat of what's lurking around the corner.
Great characterisation
Hooked and intrigued to know where the story goes...
No suggestions for improvement...none needed.
Shelved with pleasure. MAT

Now that's an intro :)

Good economical writing - nothing wasted, but tells everything the reader needs to know.

Sherved
Bill

Hi Andrew,

Solid intro and first chapter. Your characters are very real and human and I could see the situation unfolding as if it were real. Nitpicks: nothing much really. You could tighten the first chapter a tad and give it a 'button' at the end - something to draw us onto the next chapter, but otherwise fine by me. Bookshelved.

Cheers,
Chris
For the record, it was the thought of intrigue in tropical islands in your pitch that got me in. Middle of winter here and I would absolutely love to be there, reading all about it. :-)

Ack! I won't lie, that was hard to read the guy peeing. Sheesh. So I had to jump, skip and hop ahead to where I was more in my comfort zone. This does indeed have a more sinister undertone, than the light, carefree beginning of naivety the encompasses Stuart as he begins his adventure. Your voice did a great job at creating the perfect atmosphere for this book. Well done.
And shelved.
Jenni James
The Northanger Affect

Hi Andrew

Very accomplished. Nice opening and good set up. I'll come back and read some more and keep it on my W/L and could well promote it to my shelf. I really like the humour - the Stuart U A section was very funny. Nice work.

Hi read four chapters, not enough to get to the nitty gritty of the plot but I can see it coming.

You have painted a very good beginning but I think for an editior to like it you can't build up the story and plot so slowly. By chapter 4 the narrative is still running too expectantly. For my personal taste I never abandon a book until well after halfway if I think it lacks interest but I'm told that editors expect up front action and plot development in the first couple or even the first chapter.
That said, you write well and the tension albeit slow is rising by chapter 4.

But, and there is always a but...
The dialogue varies so much that it is hard to praise.
At times you characters speech is described with -ly advers after the speechmarks. Don't do it!
'said Stuart contemptuously' 'inquired Courtney mischieviously'
If your reader doesn't understand thet he is contemptuous then you must re-write the dialogue until it does the job. Each time you qualify speech you pull the reader out of the pace of the dialogue and they are no longer engaged in your fictive dream because you, the author are speaking to them.

In chapter 1: 'Confronting. Bitter'
'Quiet, ironic'
'Surprised'
All that weakens the writing. trust your reader to understand the irony of the dialogue, the bitterness in the father's voice. If they don't, you haven't written it strongly enough. Nothing wrong with a simple 'he said' 'she said'.

So who am I to criticise, I who am unpublished and a nobody?
Well, I've read a few books on technique. You won't know if all I have said is rubbish unless you look at my writing (Swords across the Rhenus) and judge for yourself! (I believe you have done so already).

Don't be fooled! I enjoyed this and think you have real skill.
The writing is good enough to have a go on the old shelf before my TSR sinks back into oblivion!
Best,
Fred

A backpacker in peril? awesome - I know that life. Shelving you for the brilliant writing you offer us readers. This is your vision in print, and the writing is spot on.

If you have not read/commented (possibly backed/shelved my book yet) please take a moment out and let me know what you think of my efforts.
Cheers!
JC

Hi Andrew
This is an intriguing story and the location is great. As someone who travelled around SE Asia with a holdall (backpacks are so bulky and predictable!) I was amused by the suitcase - haven't reached the point where he loses it yet but like its starring role at the beginning. As for the very beginning - I'm in the "anti" camp. I don't see what it lends to your tale except a rather unpleasant bit of scatological humour. Bit too laddish for me. You really don't need it when the suitcase dialogue is so strong anyway. But I'm backing this for the plot and the characters - and the suitcase!

This took me a little out of my usual genre zone, but I thought it was well written and engaging, successfully creating a world I'm normally completely oblivious of! Looking forward to reading more. In the meantime, shelved!
JMD
The Alchemist's Heir

Hi Andrew

Didn't expect to like this and yet found myself intrigued from the first (wet) scene! Yes, echoes of The Beach, but also different. Well written, great dialogue, good scene setting and an awesome premise. I didn't stumble in your narrative once, and thus I feel you don't need a crit from me.

I like this as it is and it goes on my shelf.

All the best
Elaina

Haha! Oh my dear Andrew. Beginning with a potty scene. What are you trying to do to us women? It was an interesting read to say the least.

This is a great story. It draws you right in and makes you hungry for more. Well done.
Amanda

Wasn't sure about the urine-centred opening, but ince I'd got past that I really started to get into the characters and the humour. The story moves along at a gripping pace and the dialogue feels natural. Wll be back for more.

M&J

I think the humour at the opening is great – works well. Then it turns a bit darker; there is a missing boy and the switch is alarming. Good, convincing dialogue. Sounds like a promising mystery here so I’m putting it on my shelf.

I have only had chance to read through Chapter One but what an opening (it occurs to me you may be one of the few who could read my offering if you decide to start like that!).

Your work has a real page turning quality (or it will when it's in print). I've shelved it and will be back to read more.

Big Fish
Hi Andrew,
What a great writing style you have. The voice is unique.
Love the beginning, hillarious.
I enjoy the clean concise, flow of the narrative.
It's great...I'll be back to read more.
Shelved.
Krista Darrach
-Riley's Gift

Personally I dont think the pope does pray. ;-) Following in the footsteps of someone who you know will disappear is certainly tense.
Shelved.

Hi Andrew
I think your story is a lot of fun and fast paced and I enjoyed the prologue, It started with a piss; it's great. I'll read some as soon as I can.
Janine Dube - A Dark Horizon

You are a comic genius! You're also excellent at building mystery. Two things I envy you for :)

This is so distinctive and memorable, I will help you on your way to the desk! Thank you for the read Andrew, so very enjoyable.

Mel.

It’s always nice to read a novel or a portion of one that transports a reader to places we can’t get to in an automobile. The title of your opening chapter is fabulous. The narrative flows superbly. By the end of the second chapter, it’s obvious that Stuart’s life will never be the same. Shelved.

Rodney

Andrew,
After living for three years on Oahu, Hawaii, I was eager to see your take on Tahiti. The night journey from the airport through town with the dark ocean to one side was intriguing and set the stage for a very different experience. Nice detail - kept me reading. The adventure was a little mysterious, a little dangerous and made me want to yell at these young people, "PLEASE-get out of the van!!" as they bumped along the road to the Bates Motel.

I did have a bit of a problem with the prologue, beginning with the POV of the "pisser" which jumped mid-way into a discussion between an official and the parent of an 8-years-missing-person. After rereading, I realized the "pisser" and the official were one and the same, which of course, conveys his coarseness, his desensitized state of humanity. But the vagueness that causes your reader to reread those first few paragraphs to figure that out is dangerous - a potential turn-off (aside from the obvious unpleasantness of the pissing.) Perhaps make it less oblique.

Finally, I have a pet peeve - the great undefined "it" and "there." I lost count of how many you used, from "It Started with a Piss" to "It was as though he'd never slept before" and on and on. I realize we all use "it was" or "there are" in conversation, so using that phrasing in dialog is natural, but please do consider removing it from desriptive material. The written page has no room for excess words, especially ones that water-down your meaning and weaken your action verbs. I write those phrases once in awhile then fuss aloud at myself as I catch them and have to rewrite.

Best wishes as you move up the chart. I'll bookshelve you - perhaps July will be your month.
Mary (Liminality: A Tale of Fox Possession)

Hey, Andrew.
If your opening isn't a deliberate ploy to pull all us men into identifying with the character... 'if' hell, of course it was. I mean, I'm standing right there doing what I always do to that stupid little white block...hahahahaha.
"...distracting him from the matter at hand." - Actually, wouldn't the above be the matter literally 'at hand?'
"The warm fluid bubbled up..." - Oh, jeez... disgusting, but yeah.
So, we got an interview with a relative he's not looking forward to... tucked in, zipped up and ready to get it over with. Some info, some humor, and now on with it. Good opening.
"I'm sorry to press this but it has been eight years." - So casual up to now. My being American (don't know where you're from) may be why this seems too formal to me for everyday conversation. I would hear it as, "...its been eight years..." and, "...absolutely positive that it's his bag?" and, "...it's still yesterday to me." - Just me, of course. Maybe different where you're from. Ignore it.
I strongly feel that only one, "Do you?" is enough.
"His indignation blew out..." - 'blew out'... is that a usual expression? Never heard it. Not fond of it.
"His indignation..." - I think I'd like his name instead of 'his' by this point.
"...a young man is watching his TV set and is..." - "TV set" ...eh. How about, oh I don't know, "...young man with his eyes glued to his new 40 inch plasma TV screen is about to..." Naaa, forget it.
Well, Chapter One and guess what? I think you're American after all. Now I feel a little foolish for the above but I'm leaving it there just because you made me put so much thought into it...(hehe).
Ok... this chapter going along nicely and the dialog's more conversational to me so I'm happy now...(snicker).
Uh Oh. What have we here? - "Are you English?" Finally a topic of conversation he was comfortably with, "Yes." (Aw, shit. So far, I'm pegging things wrong right and left).
I give up. I'm just gonna read the rest of the chapter to see what happens.
You seem to know your punctuation rather well. I hate people that know how to punctuate. It's a mystery to me. But, I think I caught you. - "Hi, Tessa, it's Stuart, can you give me a ring." - 'Stuart (period) ring (question mark)... huh? Whatdya think?
Yep, that clinches it. An American would never say 'carriageway.' You're English.
"A hard ridge of bitumen, ..." whatever that is - Long sentence. Just like some of mine. I'm keepin' mine. Don't let em talk you out of it.
"Big Prick" - "Bloke, I was going to say," - Funny as hell. I cracked up.
All right, Andrew, that's enough. I'm sold. I gotta go get some of the guys to come read that first part at the urinal. In the meantime, I'll stick it on my shelf. Darn well done. I don't know why this is the first time I've heard of the book (clicked on a link in a forum). Good luck with it. (didn’t intend for this comment/crit to be so long but I kinda had fun with it)

Big Fish captures the agony and the ecstasy of travel. From the arrival in a new place after dark, so that you never manage to figure out where you are, to the paranoia about your traveling companions who you’ve only known for a few hours, but now trust as if they were family or lovers.

It’s aways fascinating to read about a place you’ve been, and checking if the authors impressions match your own memories.

Nice work. The opening piss was especially satisfying.

Jeffrey Miller
The Binding Returned

This is fascinating so far. I can't name another book that's opened with such a vivid description of somebody urinating. :) I like the pace of your narrative, quick, active. I like your dialogue along with its descriptions of dialect, accents, etc. Excellent. Shelving.

J.E. Braun
The Offensive

Hiya,

wow...VERY compelling opening. Where is the boy? What happened to him? Why is his suitcase there? And who is the young man watching television...could it be the missing son? What mistake did he make?

I'm going to read on but have pasued to comment and back. I didn't find any problems to nit pick at, the narrative in particular flowed very well for me.

All the best,
Valentina xx

I really like the simplicity of your writing, very effective but not easy to do. Am really enjoying the read. You must keep the urinal scene as the opener - inspired. Keep it up Mr Osmond.

Andrew,
My first impression is the strength of your writing. It's among the best on authonomy. Very straightforward, descriptive, spot on dialogue. The humor is expertly handled as well, woven seamlessly into the narrative. Great fun and a pleasure to read.
Easily backed.
Mark

Hello Andrew

This is very well written and enjoyable to read. The prologue is quite a big hook, I enjoyed the toilet scene, made me laugh, but after laughing it's a big jump to the suitcase bit following it. I can imagine some people may not get the seriousness of the worried parent. Chapter 2 has a very easy going, readable style, which is impossible to criticise or stop reading. I'll be reading more, shelved for now.

Charlie

Hey Andrew

Loved the opening paragraph! Piqued my curiosity and you didn't let me down.

How come there are so many hyphenated words? I see some as valid, but others don't seem to fit. Did I miss something? Or is it my display that's messing things up?

Shelved, with pleasure and thanks for a glimpse of Bora-Bora and big pricks! (grin)

Cheers
Cath

Wonderful plausability here and the humour nicely timed.

bora bora, exotic, paradise with a direct line to hell

the setting, its atmosphere and conversations are all depicted well..

this reads easily and entertains, without being bland or superficial. there is plenty of fairly dry humour.

in ch 7 i enjoyed where the surfer dude was going on about the highs of surfing.. - speaking as someone who has been bashed to bits by the power of the hawaiian wave, without being a proper surfer, i can sympathize with both the teller and the detached, slightly bored, listening narrator..

your narrator surfs off on a riff of his own, about how "life experience" can perhaps best be enjoyed (or, even, experienced??) in retrospect, in the club, or with flashbacks, or "used", as in turned into dinner party fodder..

this is a highly interesting meme for a book like this and i hope you develop it with due writerly rigour.. ((one question: in what way are"life", "experience" and "life experience" distinct?? - i'm not being entirely flippant, i think if you dig into the semantics you may find some interesting angles))

shelved for an intriguing take, smoothly written yet with disturbing undercurrents, on travel literature.

i am backing this now and wish you well with it.

freddie

(("honour"))

Dear Andrew,

Usual proviso - these are subjective comments made by an unpublished writer in the hope they may be constructive.

I like the overall feel of this. The first chapter is excellent. The narrative voice is accomplished.

In some places you have "that" instead of "who", and there are some commas missing in other places (I've read the first three segments).

I think this is one of the better offerings I've read this year, so I'm giving it some shelf time.

R

Wow, this is pretty good, slick and speedy, thriller-sque, good prose, nice tight dialogue, really strong. I'm impressed, not just because you're high up on the rankings either. This is unsually good quality writing...

Andrew,

Two paragraphs on a whizz. An unusual opening, but it got my attention - and it's well written. What guy hasn't played that game?

The second scene is exceedingly well done dialogue, and with just one gentle cue I hear half of it in a Kiwi accent. Great dialogue and barely a tag (they certainly weren't obtrusive, I just scrolled back and found a "continuing" and a "continued" but that's all). No names either, but that's not as troubling as it might have been: The policeman is clearly our friend from the urinal.

And a short clsoing paragraph that ensures the reader turns the page.

Chapter two opens with dialogue and places us slap bang in the middle of the pacific. You set the scene nicely. I like the sardonic observation: "Of affluent backpackers that is."

An observation, as you describe the backpackers truck journey it seems to me you use Stuart's name too often. To my mind once you've established his point-of-view, a simple pronoun is less obtrusive. I would only use his name where there was any possibility of confusion.

Then Courtney delivers one of her dismissive lines to Stefan "Oh, right. Yeh." and you continue on with Stuart's reaction to this. I would put his reaction in a separate paragraph.

I enjoyed the snippets of conversation, and the description was good and informative but towards to the end of the section it was beginning to drag, just a little. I wonder if it's possible to pare this section, focussing on the elements that contribute directly to the story?

The three turn out, each in their own way, to be nerds and so, with little conversation, a loose bond is formed.

Chapter three beings with Stuart waking and questioning, literally and figuratively, where he is going.

After introducing Jenny you switch to Stefan's point of view. That threw me for a moment, a double carriage return before the change might help less perceptive readers (like me!).

Then there's a paragraph from Courtney's point of view, one from Stuarts and a line from Stefan's...good insight into each of the characters, but a trifle confusing for me.

The chapter concludes with Courtney taking the keys to their hire car.

And the end of chapter three is where I stopped too. I've made a few minor comments on the way through, but the key is that I found this an easy and engaging read. The story moves along easily. Pacing is generally good and characters are emerging.

I'm giving this a spin on the shelf.