How To Kill Your Housemates

In my place. one's a crowd, so I can't even begin to imagine sharing. Even the potted plant had to go, it was crowding me and kept looking at me. This is a great work and very witty. Backed with pleasure. Eunice - The Temple dancer.

I'd kill them all as well, but I'd have to include Tom :-)
This is most amusing. Both of mine are either or have flat shared or have friends who are either or and I'd buy this for all of them.
I very much enjoyed the shots of reality the parents put across Tom's bows, but I'm a parent myself, so I would, wouldn't I.

Flat-sharers would find this book really cool. Given how many FS's there are out there you've more than a ready made market!

Hi Thomas,
Keefieboy makes a very valid observation; there are too many slabs of narrative text that need to be broken up with snappy dialogue. I note that most of the comments are from people reminiscing about their flat/house-sharing student days. That is all very well, but there is a huge constituency of readers who have had no experience or interest in that, so perhaps you need to engage the general reader in a more pro-active way.
Oldcurmudgeon hit the nail on the head with some of his remarks.
Your book deserves to be published soon; the main theme of my advice is that you should aim to net a wider readership by going a little 'outside the box.' This aspect was caught nicely(?) in 'Shallow Grave.'
Regards.
Pat

Thomas,
Must read further. Looks intriguing.
On my watchlist.
Regards.
Pat

Sociopath anyone?

omg,

this si just AWESOME!!!

Living with other people in the same house always drives me crazy,

You wrote the scenes in a perfect formation, I liked the way you entreduced the charecters one by one,
reapeting "Twice" was soo funny, I'd do that if I was him.

This will be in my shelf for a while,
Thanks for a great read,
Kimmy

Dude, I just ran across this and absolutely had to read it. Being a college student myself, also sharing a house with four or five other people, this just jumped out at me. Now, I can be thankful that my housemates are absolutely nothing like these people. The first chapter is definitely the best of the lot (I read all three, what can I say) more than likely because that's what 90% of people here are going to comment on. That said, the entire thing is brilliant. The cheekiness just flows out of it, in a way that I can usually only conjure for a few sentences every so often. I'd point out the stuff I really liked more specifically, but that would require quoting a sizable percentage of your book. Unabashedly shelved.

Just one little note that, as a science person, I feel it is my duty to point out. With the story of how William gets thrown out of school for flushing a chunk of potassium, despite how that internet video makes it look, you couldn't really do that. To rupture the pipes that way, you'd need more than would fit through said porcelain aperture. I'd suggest making it something a bit more...enthusiastic. An M-80 would be sufficiently exhuberant, I believe.
Just random sidenote there. Everything else is amazing. Keep up the good work and post some more chapters!

--Jonathan

This is a great idea, a good, fun read! Really enjoyed the time I spent with your book, shelved ;-)
Best wishes,
Annabelle
(Adelaide Short)

VERY FUNNY!!

Thomas, this is marvellous. I do think you should split your chapters into smaller chunks - they are quite intimidating!

But, a great idea, well-executed (haha).

Shelved.

Hi TKJ,
Hilarious! I love the voice. You've done a great job of turning a murderer into a likable character. Not easily done! This is going to have a turn on my shelf.

I'm having such a good day today, reading things I'm enjoying. This is funny, entertaining and yes, a bit blokeish but great. I don't mind blokeish a bit. It puts me in mind of Tom Sharpe and all his hilarious books. I think you can be his successor. I will shelve this as most enjoyable. Lorri

TKJ,

Best first two paragraphs on Authonomy (and I include my own, which I happen to like rather much). But the better news is that, while I kept waiting for the inevitable stumble or, at the very least, for the form to fall flat, the entertainment level remained high instead.

By the time I got to Henry looking people "directly in the left ear," I was completely hooked on your voice and style.

Now, as to whether you go on to make the reader really care about Thomas or any of the characters he's going to kill, I can't of course say without reading much more - and I simply can't at this time. And frankly, I'm not sure that's a legitmate goal of yours or expectation of mine.

And I'm not sure I care. This is witty, well-written and clean ('miss the any of the bastards' being the only clear mistake I encountered in the first chapter). High on my list and soon to be on my shelf!

Best,

Chuck

thank you for brightening up my crap day.

having endured work, rained off golf, to arrive home to be informed i could put a bookshelf up instead-oh joy, you have managed to return the smile i usually wear, and some.-THANK YOU!

i love the way you have got inside the mind of your narrator, while creating foils(his inept flatmates) to bounce his thoughts off-quality stuff.

SHELVED with much appreciation-TJ

This is a story that most of us can relate to. Very funny and engaging. SHELVED. Detailed notes in your inbox.

Hey Tom,

This was good stuff, it had a nice flow to it and there was enough familiar situations to make them especially funny. I liked the voice of the narrator and some of the one-liners were classic.

I do have to agree with Amy's comment below about the length of the back-story in Chapter 2, at the very least you might want to consider breaking this up into a couple of chapters just for this site, I found myself flagging towards the end. There's also a line towards the end of Chapter 1 that you might want to change, it currently reads, "I wouldn't miss the any of the bastards..."

I only really have one rule for shelving when it comes to comedys, and you passed with flying colours, because I laughed out loud several times whilst reading this. A+ :)

Cheers

Verbal

I wanted to back this after the first 3 paragraphs, but of course I read on just in case. I wasn't disappointed. I found myself smiling, laughing, nodding along (reminds me why I turned down the offer to share a house with a couple of friends; I knew it would turn out to be sharing with more people than were actually paying the rent, too; and of course that we probably wouldn't be friends at the end of it). The voice works perfectly: the disparity between the casual tone and apparent clarity of thought and the intentions of the narrator. I like the understated humour and particularly the petition for the reader to side with Tom early on.

For a minute, I started to think that maybe he doesn't kill his housemates; perhaps it was only an idea after all. This could be to do with the lengthy back story, which doesn't seem to indicate anything in Tom's youthful days that would make him homicidal later on. Someone who kills his housemates must have a screw loose; the question is, who and what loosens it? Of course, a murderer might not be born with any screws fully tightened to begin with, so it wouldn't take much to give them an excuse to kill. I had to go back to the beginning and remind myself of these sentences: "there are people who think I may have over-reacted", and "there is a school of philosophy that vilifies the notion of speaking ill of the dead". So, it seems he really did kill them. And the question remains how? Also, what were the consequences for Tom? Is he narrating from a psychiatric ward? Etc.

The pacing might benefit from a bit of a nudge, but the humour keeps it moving along where other books would trip up.

This story could turn out in so many ways, but I think, judging by the quality of what's here, I would go so far as to say I trust that it will be the right way.

This is on my shelf.

M J

God, this takes me back. What a realistic and hilarious ride I've had so far. Every one of the characters I've met in the book , and most of their little quirks are so well described, it's like being there with them.
I thoroughly enjoyed this, hope to read more later. Michael

Thomas
This is very male oriented and I can't see it being a success. Oh wait, something is just coming through to me. Let me tune in.... No, I'm wrong, this is fabulous stuff. A laugh a minute for anyone who has shared a house. I love it and it is bound to be a best seller. Backed!
ChrisX
You Dared

Hello again Thomas,

I've read this more closely and like it even more; it's well written and engaging, and I like the way it keeps open the possibility that no one is quite how they seem, which is important as anyone who's seen Shallow Grave or The Last Supper would say.

I think I may have lived in that house, or at least its twin in the midlands; once, one of my housemates' friends watched Shawshank Redemption on acid, got confused by a poster we had in the toilet and tried to tunnel his way through the wall. When the toilet roll he was using didn't work as a tool, he half smashed the partition wall down to make his, ahem, escape.

So, I think this will do really well as it's so recognisable and well told. Is there more?

Cheers,
B.

Ah, the house-share of convenience with people who might be incredibly intelligent but have no common sense or domestic skills whatsoever, so they end up living in squalor, having to fashion a bridge over the bathroom carpet and sleeping on the sofa their final night there in an attempt to give the next tenants the scabies they've somehow contracted...

Yes, I've been there, and this is well-worn territory but with enough funny lines and a sardonic tone that draws you in.

Eminently readable then, but after the first chapter's wonderfully observed discussion and the decision to kill his housemates repeated (for shock value?) I was hoping the protagonist's descent into psychosis and homicidal tendencies would begin (perhaps interspersed with flashbacks relaying how it had come to this).

Instead we get two more chapters of a fairly typical, if slightly more acerbic than usual, story about student life. Of course it's possible things start to go more American Psycho after chapter 3 but I started to get the feeling that Tom wasn't really going to try to kill anyone after all. I hope I'm wrong....

Thomas
Wow! you took me back to my student days. Not quite as exciting as Ben's by the sound of it, but the petty squabbles over whose turn it is. Funny. I now have a vivid image of the time we were so sick of complaining to one guy to put out the milk bottles that when he got up one morning, the whole kitchen was full of empties.
I agree with Murray: This is a sure winner.
Backed!
PJ
Please take a look at The Red Witches when you can

****** AGENTS SNAP THIS BOOK UP NOW! ******

Tom
I am incredibly impressed. Comedy writing rarely makes me laugh. Yours did. This is soooooo commercial. Anyone who has been to uni - or had housemates for that matter - will instantly reate to this. However, it's much more than that; you are a pro. This can't be your first attempt at writing because I was unable to nitpick (which I do enjoy). This is a finished product. Let's hope you get picked up and make the rest of us see there is justice and hope of getting a deal, if our book is good enough.

Murray
The Jin Deception

Thomas,
I'd have shelved this on the strength of the first paragraph. The matter-of-factness of the voice in dealing with mass murder is hilarious, and the choice of words gives him(you) an air of cultured assassin.
It wasn't quite a housemate, but the girl next day at university halls - she shoud've gone, for keeping me awake at night with her sexual activity. I once knocked on her door to tell her there was a phone call for her from her mum. An unknown male voice answered, "She can't talk right now 'cos my cock's in her mouth."
Lucky for her she didn't share with you.
Sorry for that digression but you took me back. I've really enjoyed this.
Cheers,
Simon

Thomas,

First person narrative, lots of dialogue, dirt and booze, and the inevitable draw of violence: I like your style. I'll put this on the watchlist as I've enjoyed these chapters a lot and I can see this going in very interesting directions. Do you have more? Also, a brilliant opening line and a neat conclusion to the first chapter. I think (hope) you might like my The History of Everything, so if you fancy an exchange of reads, please let me know.

Cheers,
Ben

Very funny stuff, very dry. I like the cold, detached observation of the narrative. The house I now own ... okay, the house the bank owns ... when I first viewed it there was a used condom on the floor of what is now my bedroom. But the kitchen table? That would've given me second thoughts. The only typo I spotted was in the fourth-last sentence, "I wouldn't miss (the) any of the bastards ..."

If I had to offer some form of constructive crit, I'd say you could afford to lose some weight in parts - the caustically humourous style you've got works best with brevity, in my opinion.

Nicely done.

Cheers,
Paul.

Excellent stuff, Thomas - perhaps one of approximately 5 books on ths site that I would actually buy. Anyone who couples (triples?) condoms, cornflakes and Dostoevsky in one paragraph shall go far. A few random thoughts (most of them effusive praise):

- "felt sure that... that people": delete one of the 'that's;
- "criminally foolish": anyone who has a problem with adverbs, please send them my way. People who 'teach' writing may bemoan them as effecting 'tell' rather than 'show' (or whatever the bleeding hell they bang on about); but thje the simple truth is, when used correctly and in appropriate measure, they can be devilishly effective. I think you and I shall get along, Kirby-Jones;
- "unsheathed": so near to the condom? Was this intentional? Not sure it 'works', if so (you might want to rethink 'diaphragm' later on, too);
- "didn't want to spoil the surprise": lovely;
- the whole hamsters bit, and theeir damned union: exquisite stuff.

Do let me know if you go the POD route, there's a good chap. Needless to say, you are on my shelf. Best of luck with it - sestius

Yes, I can feel the narrators frustration - understandably so. You really get into your narrators head, and with roommates like that...and I thought I had some bad stories. Curious to see what happens - it looks like I have to rearrange my shelf.

Lovely opening chapter. Very funny. Astrid's hamsters were great and many other little details. Very colorful writing. With just a few pen strokes I got a pretty good picture of what type of people are sharing a house here and might end up dead very soon. Great work.

Absolutely hilarious. Hope I'll never have to share a house, again. Back when I was young and naive, it was okay, but now after reading this, I wouldn't be able to sleep. :-) On my shelf. All the best!

This is as funny as anything I have read in years. Perfectly captures what anyone in a shared house goes through – and what they want to do to their housemates. I can only imagine this would sell very well. Everyone I know has lived with characters like these, and you capture the banter, the irritation, the homicidal rage perfectly in your opening chapter.

Someone mentioned that going all the way back to the start in chapter 2 didn’t work for them. I can’t agree. It works much better to see how people begin cheerily good-natured before gradually showing their true selves. It’s how house shares usually work! And you mc is so convinced that they’re appalling and should die – and yet he must have chosen to live with them at some stage?

Good luck with the book. Shelved.

very funny and the charcters are really developed considering it is only 3 chapters in. I loved the first chapter and the suspense of waiting for Henry to arrive home. I just hope Tom doesn't actually kill them, they seem really nice. Lol.

Hm, darn, 'Thomas', I normally have more to suggest about a story than a couple of niggly tweaks, but in this case, that's all I can manage.

Loved it - loved the unforced humour, enjoyed the original 'voice', admired the natural and animated writing - will buy the book - and am shelving it :o)

Possible tweaks: 'with the air of a martyr ... with the air of a man'. 'That's hardly a mystery ... Lucy, don't' I'd prefer to know it's Lucy as she's speaking rather than after - same later with Sam. 'agonised calls from mother (Mother)'. 'we had formed a casual' omit 'had'.

Hello Thomas,

As someone who had to share a house with two horrendous harridans at uni, it was your short pitch that attracted me.

And, frankly, your MS didn't disappoint. Very funny, very irreverent and very edgy - in short, everything I like.

Stick the rest up and let me read on won't you?!

Shelved

God Bless -
Stephen

Hello Thomas,

As someone who had to share a house with two horrendous harridans at uni, it was your short pitch that attracted me.

And, frankly, your MS didn't disappoint. Very funny, very irreverent and very edgy - in short, everything I like.

Stick the rest up and let me read on won't you?!

Shelved

God Bless -
Stephen

Hello Thomas,
Thanks again for your comments on my chickens, very useful.
Your opening chapter amused me from the start. I like your conversational style and I liked the fact that I could personally relate to a lot of it! It is very energetic, zesty and I laughed many times; the used condom on the kitchen table, the general outrage...
I carried on reading because I was interested and wasn't disappointed. I loved the family details which made me laugh as well. Actually, the book reminded me a bit of a British version of Spud by John van der Ruit, though yours is a more adult version.
I'm sure this book will appeal to anybody who has ever had to share a flat or house.
My only criticism is that some of your sentences are a little too long, and I had to re-read them, but that's probably a personal thing, and reading from a screen doesn't help.
I see you are doing well rising up the charts and wish you all the best.
Nicky

This is good. Very good and very funny!

This is very funny. More than that, it took me straight back to the days of house-sharing and flat-sharing, the horror of what other people can do to your already messy life, the endless resentments over untidy kitchens, the awkward discussions over bills, the falling out, the traumatic readjustments ... On the basis of that alone (oh, the memories), I'm inclined to shelve this.

You also have one of the more literary styles I've come across on this site. I find it all very British - it's kind of about the British way of doing things (or not doing things), and the hilarity is subtle, the murderous anger a kind of deep-down, slow-burn rage born of frustration, strangely reasonable in its way. I can see a real black comedy looming, with shades of 'Shallow Grave', and I'm almost looking forward to seeing him off those empty-headed idiots he's living with. I think I'd get a vicarious thrill from it all (those memories, again), and I anticipate a healthy dollop of comedy and ugliness each time he makes his move.

But I'm pre-empting. I think there'd be an audience for this - anyone who is sharing, or has ever shared, a house or flat (especially with students), for a start. I like the revelation in chapter 2 that your main character, so self-righteous in the opening chapter, has himself been living off his father's credit card, because it turns them all into users and your hero into an anti-hero. A nice insight into a certain generation - good on 'rights' but not so good on 'responsibilities'. And I hope that the murders, when they come, are sufficently gruesome and hilarious.

Nice one. Backed.

Simon

Ha ha oldcurmudgeon I quite enjoyed these comments. And love your alternative titles, too. Maybe my favorite one is Teach Yourself Domestic Violence. Golly, Principles of Crowd Control may be even better. How to decide?

"Mr. K-J" I will say also that o.c. is possessed of really impeccable taste and his comments are always worth considering, I have observed. On the other hand I really differ with him sometimes!!! For example.

As to the dread Condom I do NOT want to know whose it is. The less said about used condoms, the better, in my view. In literature, as in life. Just sayin'. PLEASE for god's sake do not tell us whether or not this is based on a real-life incident. O, god. Ack. I will reluctantly concede to o.c. that a discussion on this appalling subject would certainly differentiate the participants more. But it is just SO GROSS that really it's got to be in the service of major revelations to induce your more prudish reader (e.g., myself) to endure this discussion willingly.

Anyway o.c. I am VERY glad you like this as much as I do, because I love it a really lot. All the best, Maria.

p.s. Yes, read Punchline. That is another one that you're going to really love.

PS Oh yes, and how the devil are you going to preserve our kindliness towards this character when (or if) he actually starts knocking people off? Tricky. A dilemma shared with Punchline (by the non-pareil Paul Fenton).

First of all, anyone who likes Jerome K Jerome and PG Wodehouse automatically gets a headstart in my book. And you don’t disappoint. This is very much in the same spirit, and very well done. It put me in such a good mood that I wanted to shelve it immediately. BTW, I disagree entirely with the commenter who wanted more rage. The icy cold, considered approach is much better, I think, unless you want to change the character of the narrator into a more Wooster-like fellow.

A few comments:

(1) You need a better title. Perhaps this list will spark some thoughts:

Domestic Violence for Beginners/Dummies
Teach Yourself Domestic Violence
Mayhem At Mile End
Domestic Dispute Resolution Simplified
Domestic Violence: A Primer/ First Steps/
Housecleaning For Fun And Profit
The Pest Control Man
How To Rid Your House Of Vermin Once And For All
Diary of an Exterminator.
The Rentokil Man
Principles of Crowd Control
Home-Grown Remedies for Overpopulation

(2) The subsidiary characters, except for Lucy, are not well differentiated, particularly Henry/Sam/Wayne, and William & George. I liked the way you introduced the housemates in order of arrival in the first chapter, but perhaps you should give them each a more readily memorable identity, some sort of physical tag perhaps. And I would definitely like to know who left the condom on the table (and whether this is based on a real-life incident). A discussion on the subject might even be the means to give more identity to the participants.

(3) I didn’t understand why William & George were so against him moving into this place. I think ridicule rather than fellow-feeling should be the mood of the scene. They find it hilarious. Also, I didn’t really understand why William objected to TKJ taking up with his sister.

(4) Occasionally the prose is a little too long-winded. It always needs to be elegant; and there comes a point where elegance slides into pomposity. For instance:

"In fact, he misplaced so many words there were none left to share with me for three months, not even to ask me to pass rudimentary culinary accoutrements. "

" ... he couldn’t speak to me for three months, not even “pass the salt, please”."

There are a couple of books on this site which, though very good, fall into the same trap – viz., Pistols For Two (by the wholly estimable Sestius) and Tales from Hake on Spinach (by the equally estimable Faith Bretherick).

Related: sometimes you explain too much. For example:

"I was standing at the kitchen door because I did not want to stand too close to the used condom. I was smoking a cigarette for the same reason as I had smoked the previous one, and the one before that. It was not because I wanted a cigarette or in order to calm myself, but simply to prove to myself that I was still able to breathe. Great and unexpected wrath will cause a man to question life’s certainties. I was glaring at the garden because prior to Sam’s appearance there had been nothing else worth glaring at."

"I was standing at the kitchen door, far from the condom, smoking a cigarette and glaring at the blameless garden."

Sometimes, too, it might be better to use more dialogue or action in place of exposition (that old saw: show don’t tell). eg:

"They grew competitive after that, each determined to prove that their lives and house-shares had been the most appalling".

Instead, you might have a chain of: “Oh, that’s nothing. When I...” (like the Monty Python sketch where the four Yorkshiremen are competing in describing the hardships of their respective childhoods).

A couple of random nitpicks:

"I must admit, in the interests of full disclosure". Only one interest.

Sometimes it assuages her. You don’t assuage a person, you assuage his guilt/feelings/passion. Permissible, actually, but archaic (last OED reference 1858)

But these are trifles. Well done!

Dear Thomas,

Do you remember the scene in My Fair Lady where Eliza Dolittle implores professor Higgins, "Don't talk to me of love. Show me,' ?.

Don't touch your writing. It reads well. Nothing to quibble about. But just live with this thought because it will come to your rescue if ever needed.

If a HC editor said to you, 'Thomas, don't talk to me about murdering your house-mates. Show me.' Would you understand how to give her what she wants?

The way you present your tale is good. Sound writing. Interesting. I appreciated the voice.

Why I pass the above on to you is that editors are forever shouting, 'Show, don't tell.' Although I enjoyed your narrative, they might not.

Not a problem to convert narrative to dialogue and direct action if you have to. I recently re-wrote the whole of Fig Tree for the fourth time because a literary agency very kindly took the trouble to tell me they want character-driven and not narrative-driven story telling.

I trust this girds you a bit. We struggle long and hard. Often proceeding from one failure to the next. But it is the only way. I'm in the same boat as you and quitting I ain't.

Have a ball.

Pierre.

Why have I got such a warm, glowing sympathy with this irascible man? I love him. I suspect he is telling me a tissue of lies. God, I certainly hope he is. WHY do I love him so?? It's kind of a mystery. But I'm very taken with this book. It's really a worrying story, despite being so hilarious!! Reminds me of 'Tartare' which is a book here that I can almost guarantee you will absolutely adore.

It comes as no surprise that you are a Wodehouse fan "Mr. K-J." Your neatly-constructed wackiness certainly recalls the joys of the Master, and also those of David Nobbs. My only complaint (and it is pretty minor, really) is that things have been rolling along for quite a long while before these guys finally move into 49 Carnegie Close. And they're just basically kind of drinking all the while, or setting a desultory toaster-fire or two. I can't say that the slow pace really bothered me all that much, as I was laughing nonstop. But the first chapter is quite a bit snappier than the second and third. If you want to keep that pace going, it might be a good idea to eliminate the scene in the garden, say, and just move them all over to the pub, something like that ... fold a couple of these situations into one, so that there's a specific incident happening at each time and place, and the reader won't get that wandering feeling. A minor point! I really enjoyed the whole thing.

Now I am about to disagree with Carver (whose book you are also going to LOVE, it is amazing and SO FUNNY.) I hardly ever disagree with him in the slightest, but I think that Tom's voice is 99.9% of the charm, here, it's this grimly Wodehousian charm that you have. And if this guy Tom were really to lose it, ever, even a little, it would totally wreck the tone. Maybe he IS a little OCD (I thought, more Asperger-y than that, but yeah,) I mean, clearly he is kind of out-there, but that is written right in. Carver fails also to take into the account that this man Tom is liable to be lying about quite possibly a lot of stuff. I'm not the slightest bit sure that Tom is really going to manage to bump off even one of these guys.

But whether or not he does go through with his nefarious plans, I would advise in the strongest possible terms I've got (which ain't much, but still) against altering the tone of Tom's thought process, not even a little bit. It's just right, the way you've got it. (hi there, Carver! what do you think about that actually??)

Anyhoo, this is great work so far. Beautifully done. Hard to judge of course without access to the whole MS but I will shelve with pleasure. All the best, Maria.

Dear Thomas,

In Borneo. Read you and placed you on my shelf today. Getting late here now. We're eight hours ahead of GMT. Will comment tomorrow. regards.

Pierre.

Hi Thomas
First things first. This sounds like a real life story. Your story. Very credible.
I enjoyed the writing. I thought it tight and well written, particularly the first chapter. You have a good voice and delivered your characters well. I think you have picked just the right tone to relate your story. Very dry humour.
I don't have much to say on this. The problem with the good reads is there is never much to say.
My only negative comment would be I thought chapter 2 dragged on a little, but this suits the story so I don't see it as a problem. I was also hoping for something more to happen by the end of chapter 3 as I did want to see how you were going to handle this. Let me know if you put any more up.
Good luck with this. It is very professional and well written. Am putting it on my bookshelf.

Hi Thomas.
I have a few points that may or may not be useful. But I promised you an honest review, so I am pointing out not only the good stuff, (and there is much I could gush about) but IMO, the stuff that doesn’t work quite so well too. You are a confident writer with a unique voice, which I think you already know. Your dialogue is almost faultless in my opinion. I think the area that needs the most attention is character development. I don’t see the point in having so many characters unless we are going to give a hoot about them. The MC is a fully functional, fully rounded character, no problem with him at all. It is the minor ones that need their own voice.

Chapter one
I sailed through the first chapter loving the MC for his dry wit and belly laughing one-liners. I did find a few sentences that I thought were slightly over written. I got used to them after a while, realising this was all part of over-emphasising his irritation. By the time I got to chapter two, I was beginning to get a little irritated. My kids have had friends visit over the years that talk constantly, mainly about themselves, it’s funny at first, very entertaining, and then I get to the point where I want to say, ‘Yeah okay, you’re boring me now, can we change the subject?’
As I said, your dialogue is brilliant. No faults at all with that. And when the minor characters do speak, they all sound as they should with a personality of their own. I’d like to hear more of them.
More on the character development.
I notice that you go into paragraphs of descriptive, where the MC tells us, his point of view all about William, he also tells us all about how angry his mother and father is but you could have shown us this. I felt at this point ready to say, ‘Okay let the man speak.’ We have far too many characters that we don’t know, therefore we don’t have any sympathy with them – we don’t care.
The last paragraph of chapter one.
You may want to look again at the confusion as to whether they do or don’t owe another council tax payment. WE no longer owed eighteen hundred pounds to anyone. Surely this is confirmation? And then...
IF WE SIMPLY PAID ... Maybe it is a deliberate flaw in Henry, trying to scam some more, but then again there was no reaction at all. I Would have expected some harsh replies.
TYPO
I WOULDN’T MISS (THE) ANY OF THE BASTARDS...
There is the hook... set about killing my housemates. A page turner, but the second chapter back-tracks to before he moved in with the flatmates. A little too much, I think. You could drip feed that information bit by bit. Without us losing interest in the main theme. Chapter 2

‘I was just wondering – could I drop my bags around in yours...
In yours? Or to yours?


As I say this is just my opinion, and at this point no one else seems to have made any reference to points I’ve raised. SO if you think I am talking complete bullshit, please ignore and take it with the good intention that was meant. And for all the nit picks, it still deserves a place on my shelf.
Good luck and best wishes
Sue

Hi Thomas,

I'm happy to back your book for the following reasons. One, it's fresh, two, it has a very good tone, and three, it brings to mind Ladykillers, the classic fifties comedy.

I do believe it's a sign of the degeneracy of our times how killing other people can be seen as fun; however, when it's done with this level of expertise and ideas, not to mention the stuff my illustrious colleague Paul House has expounded upon below, I see it has much potential in this system we have.

I'll stay tuned for more (I only read 2 chaps now but found enough likable stuff to shelve).

Best,

Heikki

I have read the three chapters that you have posted here. You manage to recreate the atmosphere of post-university life (if it can be called that) admirably. Your main character is believably disillusioned and sufficiently erudite for his sarcasm and observations on his friends' and family's behaviour to be accepted as the truth. His asides are often understated, yet at times totally overstated, which makes them amusing. The last line of chapter 3 being a case in point. My favourite of his observations was: "You've never made Dad open the brandy." I thought the first chapter very theatrical, depending as it does, almost entirely on the dialogue concerning the council tax and with the single stage prop of the used condom (maybe, the burst rubbish bag.) (There were several typos, incidentally, in this chapter. Mainly definite and indefinite articles, but I am sure you'll spot them if you just glance through it). I am not, however, sure whether the 'I' character's laconic asides will be sufficient to sustain a full length novel. I imagine things will develop in such a way that the tone of the book will have some variation. I think, perhaps, I am too old for the trials and tribulations of a young man to be of excessive interst to me. I am sure, though, that there *is* an audience for it. I am interested to see how this develops, so would be grateful if you let me now if you post any more. I shall put it on my shelf because I cannot fault the writing and I think you have done an admirable job in producing, I am sure, exactly what you set out to do.

Thomas,

I've read the first two chapters and I must say this is a fizzy, whizz bang thoroughly fun piece of writing. Great opening and a very cool fast paced scene setting and introduction to our characters. You certainly have style - I don't want you to take this the wrong way, it's not meant as an insult - but I loved the chatty chick-lit delivery, we're in a well known and real millieu and you present it in that immediate, engaging style so reminiscent of the post-modern city dwelling fictioneers. I think this is a good thing.

You’re certainly talented and write very good dialogue, your sardonic MC is prickly and curmudgeonly, but also funny and I bet a cool bloke to have alongside you on a night out.

The obvious reference point for me with the feel and delivery is Shallow Grave (which is one of my fave films I hasten to add) – you drop us right into flat-share-land, so brilliantly evoked in that film too – and we know exactly where we are.

A slight word of caution, you MC is you right? I mean *really* you, and that feels just a little too obvious sometimes and I’d probably, just for your own sanity give him, a few foibles that you don’t have (I’m sure murdering isn’t one of them LOL) just so you get back to writing a character, and not writing you.

Other than that, I think this has great potential.

Shelved.