The Coming of The Seer

I came back to take a second look and man was I still engrossed in the story to the point I must continue reading more. I could visualize the scenes and feel the emotions taking place. Great job and hard work should be rewarded.

Hello Clive.
I have just read the first two chapters of your book and here are some thoughts for you, all intended to be constructive, not destructive!
My initial impression was that the prologue was way too long. Why call it a prologue, why not simply chapter one? My other impression was that it had little in the way of essential action. Gunther seemed to spend most of his time either waiting, or running, or sleeping, or waking up and sleeping again. IMO, you need to pick out the really essential information and concentrate on that. Begin at an exciting moment, Gunther hearing the drums possibly, or coming across his slaughtered father, and hook your readers in with Gunther's despair and confusion. End the chapter with his burning desire for revenge.
The following chapter is better in terms of interest, although even here you could cut a good half out. The prose is rather dry and you concentrate more on the ordinary everyday running of the country than anything else. Apart from learning that Tobias's father is dying, I can't recall any other information that moved the story on. The scenes with General Swain were the best, well written with plenty of atmosphere.
I hope this isn't coming across as too negative, Clive, beacuse you do have plenty of writing talent. It just feels a bit like you're holding back, not writing with your emotions, and so it's coming across a bit cold.
Also, take a look at how your pages appear on Authonomy. There are huge blocks of text and these are not easy to read. You need to break them up more, put in more paragraphs, and then they will look more appealing.
In addition to the above, I noticed a few specific points:
'Andreas is dead, Papa.' Papa is a repetition, you could cut it.
June (strange name for a servant, sounds too modern) calls the old King 'Sir'. Should it be 'Sire?
'Over the last two years he watched...' he *had* watched.
'Give me a swift and painless end..' one example of where there should be a new para.
'Help me finish this..' Rebecca hasn't eaten anything yet, so it should be 'help me *eat* this.'
'whinnied her complaint..' horses usually whinny as a greeting or in fear. 'Snorted' would be a better word.
'Succeeding from..' this may be correct usage but it sounds odd. Took over from?
E Even the legs of the chairs...' you have an extra E here.
'embarrassed both themselves and..' should be embarrassed *either* themselves *or*
'Once Tobias sat, Xavier sat.' You've already said Xavier is sitting, 'Those seated, like Xavier..' I think you meant 'Those *positioned* like Xavier..'
'Appoint less Dukes'...'So, no less Dukes...' dodgy grammar! *Fewer* Dukes.
'Soon it was two o' clock..' this sounds too modern.
Hope these comments help, Clive.
All the best,
Cas.

Hi Clive,

Sure. It took me awhile to appreciate, but the beginning of any book your submit is 99.99% what you will be judged upon by an editor. They will not read any further than that before making an intial decision whether to bin. As a result, you need to avoid data dumps or prolonged exposition like the plague.

With the prologue, keep things as simple as possible so that the reader is encouraged to continue to learn more. Example: The last seven lines of the initial paragraph. Trim it to something like "..the trees for as long as it took. He knew the enemy was coming, but his father's people were ready." End paragraph.

On the second paragraph, after "...one half-open eye," consolidate what follows to one short line of descripton, no more than 10 words.

Now take that sense of abridgement (I may have created a new word here :) ) and roll it forward. Save the rewritten first chapter seperately and compare it with the original. I've done a similar exercise and you will probably be amazed with the results! Less really can be more.

Cheers,

Dan

Hi Clive - There's a good story in here with characters that I want to see more of, but the first thing IMHO you need to do is split up some of these paragraphs into more managable sections. Pick up one of your books and you'll see what I mean.

Thanks Dan - will take a look over it. Any more feedback for me?! Clive

Hi Clive - There's a good story in here with characters that I want to see more of, but the first thing IMHO you need to do is split up some of these paragraphs into more managable sections. Pick up one of your books and you'll see what I mean.

Excellent first chapter I was totally engage all the way through. The one thing I would have loved to seen or read was the battle scene. I believe it would have heightened up the story more. Excellent job. I look forward to reading your novel and adding to my shelf