Nobody's Perfect

Hi Penny,

OMG, I can't even begin to tell you how your story made me feel. I felt happiness, sadness, anger even, I yelled at the computer a few times while reading and cried my eyes out. Perhaps that was a little too much, but the characters you created pried that out of me. All in all it was heart-wrenching 36 chapters and I loved it in the end. Thank you for writing such a marvelous novel.

~Eli

Penny finished the book, the only thing I would say is that Nancy calls her parents by their first names all through the book. It does need an edit but that is something I won't comment on, an edit is something that can be fixed. I comment on the story only, and this is a good book, I will recommend it, and as you know it is on my shelf.

Julie

Pitch – “Or does it?” Great. Already, I’m intrigued. But the sentence – “…true meaning of love…goes hand in hand with true love.” Repetition, maybe use the phrase just once? Just a thought.

Anyway, this has a good strong voice from the word go, and I’m immediately engaged in the story. Your prose is clear and concise, and I like the reflections of Mrs Bannister. Well written.
The scenes you paint are beautiful - snow, pony, the smell of turkey and ladies of 3 generations together. Well portrayed.
*I don’t know how you manage to effortlessly drift us over the years the way you do, but it’s superb and I’ll be back to analyse this nugget for my own work.

Ending Ch1. It could be a good idea to end on discovering the contents of the letter, giving a wow factor and prompting the reader to eagerly turn to Ch2. I like chapters ending this way. Just a thought.

The end of Ch2 – phew!

Ch3 I don’t like the word “manhood” but otherwise, no complaints. Phew, I think I need a cold shower after that!

To sum up this is great writing; warm, passionate, gentle, descriptive and emotional. The characters are very easy to latch on to and their dialogue is perfect.
I agree with Dania below, a stronger POV may well help make this great writing shine even more. And TomW makes a good point too.
Note I completely ignore the fact that this is biographical – all due respect, but I’m not actually interested in that side, I’m here to read a good story. I’d even go so far as to suggest picking this out of your pitch, but that’s just my personal preference (as are all my notes here). Not everyone would agree, but that’s what makes this site so interesting – after all, nobody’s perfect...

This is a great story, I’m enjoying it and one I’ve cooled down a bit, I’ll be back for more…

I can easily see this in print.
Shelved with my best wishes
David (Green Ore)

impressionistic narrative appeals with its sometimes startling, disconnected connections.

a sense of time folding in on itself, the first chapter especially so, but continuing throughout the narrative.

the narrative voice switches its point of view so that we see events from multiple perspectives.

nancy's past, the chat about the dog fred and the pony, mrs bannister's death, give depth to the story which continures many years later , in ch 2.

the losing of nancy's virginity, described with intimate detail, and yet also with detachment.

that is true, from what i've read so far, of the work throughout--your style, which combines, in an appealing way, intimate knowledge and insight with a childlike innocence, or directness, which would be naive were it not for the weight of experience implied in the background.

i enjoyed reading, whilst also feeling that i was seeing more than i should. i suspect this is one of your aims in your writing..? certainly your overarching theme, the "inevitability" of a tragic end for love and passion (or is it?) comes through explicitly in your prose.

shelved, and best of luck with your writing, penny, i wish you well.

freddie

I've been terribly busy lately, but I found some time to sit and start reading your story. I admit, I haven't yet gotten far, but I'm intrigued. I will post more detailed comments at a later date.

Cassie

This is a well written book. Starting with the child Nancy, you allow us to get to know her and to feel close to her. We see her through the eyes of her elderly neighbour, Mrs.Bannister, which makes us feel that she is an innocent child whom we can love. When she grows up, and meets first Jason and then Thomas, and makes love to first the one and then the other, we can see that she's acting foolishly, but can understand her feelings and relate to her. The money and house Mrs. Bannister leaves her is an extra thread which adds to the book's story. You move your plot forward quickly, and your characters, especially Nancy, are well drawn and easy to enjoy. Your writing flows smoothly, and your plot is very natural and convincing. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Backed February 4.

Jesse - Savant

Mrs Bannister and Nancy, sweets and cakes. And a Christmas pony. I like the fact that Nancy is both mercenary and probably bribe-able. Not a saint, just a child!

Nancy is due an inheritance then.

I enjoyed this but from a fictional point of view, I think Nancy's family are too well off for the legacy to mean very much. Better if they were struggling. And there could be a tad more conflict in the chapter!

Nice work. Hope you are still writing.

Nick
"Mirror In The Sky"

Nobody's Perfect opens in a gently paced slightly hypnotic way, and it's only at the end of chapter 1 I realised how much ground had been covered, from the 3 year old girl to O' levels. By chapter 2 it becomes obvious that this is moving almost as fast as Jason does to take Nancy's virginity in a graphically described scene. Erotica is not my thing, but this looks to me to have the style and content to do well in that market, so I'll back it for them.

To be honest with you penny, by 14 year old daughter could have done a better job.

Hi Penny, tried to comment on your lovely emotional book but it doesn't seem to have registered (maybe I'm just too impatient?) really enjoyed what I have read though well done. Maybe you could have a look at mine? regards Maggie P.

Hi Penny, you write such raw emotion I am really envious. I only had time to read a little but really loved this. If you make it into print I will be waiting to buy it. Well done and good luck with it, Maggie P.

Penny

What a warm character you crafted in Mrs Bannister I didn't want her to die....

......You have a soothing writing voice, I felt kind of lulled along........

One thing tweeked my mind........Kids sit GCSE's at 16......and.......A Levels at 18.........So am I assuming Langall is a Scottish setting.....I wondered, because your characters have no regional accent....? It's just that I think its only in Scotland that they have 'O' Levels......

Sindy doll is a 'typo' it's Cindy doll.......(I've got a box full of them up in the loft)....

Good luck with this, I enjoyed the read and am happy to support.........

Hi Penny,

I was hooked when I started reading about Mrs Bannister and Nancy and wanted to know what their connection was. Now that I do I want to keep reading and will.

Carol

I read your chapters 1, 33 and 34. There are many different emotions here - and some are well played. But there were times when it felt more focused on moving from one event to the other - and the chronology was more important than the character development. I think you could flesh out some of the moments - delve more into the personal perspective.

For example, she miscarries and then is upset about twins -- what is the true emotion on the pregnancy and tell me why. "I'd bet I'd kill myself" just gets dropped on the reader, there is no reaction from Maggie -- I want to know why she feels as she does, what she's done to prepare for the birth (or not) - perhaps a conversation with the grandfather could accomplish this?

I also wanted to note that I was confused by your opening paragraph is the character watching from the window or buying icecream -- the stream of events/location isn't clear.

I love your cover and the pitch is well executed. Good luck with this.

This story is an emotionally charged power house. Sad, depressing, happy, angry; full of heart ache and sorrow. You put a lot of emotion into this piece. Love tragedies. WL.

Nobody's Perfect

Warm story and characters. Something to read while sitting by a fire on a cold winters night.

A nit-

There is so much here but sometimes it felt that you rushed through it to get to the next part. As a reader I would have had a stronger connection if you would have let me see what was happening instead of being told what had happened. I had to run to catch up. That being said there is promise in your story. Shelved. C.P

As I read your book I went through every emotion possible.
With the happiness, sadness, love, TRAGEDY, and many more. While reading I just couldn’t stop, just wanted to know what was going to happen next and wonder whom the heck Nancy was going to end up with. But at the end I never saw that coming. I was like totally dumbstruck, like a major gasp!!! And the part that I loved the most of the last chapter was that Nancy saw Jason, I just knew he was the one.
Well the book was great, but needs editing. =]
Awesome Novel.!!

~Alie.

HI Penny,
I like the premise of this, I noticed it was erotica and though that's not my thing I am willing to read anything.
I noticed that there are some things that are over written examples:
Cakes and sweets, exclaimed Nancy, and follored Mrs. Bannister...this could be "Cakes and sweets" exclaimed nancy, following Mrs. Bannister...
YOu have done this a fair amount and you could cut down on unnecessary words which would allow your dialogue to flow better.
There is one part where you write she is thinking to herself but you make it appear as though she is speaking outloud...if it is indeed a thought take the " out and itallicize the thought, this lets the reader know it is a thought. Or if she is talking aloud write, she mussed to herself.
Thought conveys to the reader it is silent so by putting the " you insinuate it is vocal.

I thoroughly enjoyed this, there are tweaks and nits that could improve this. And I also feel your Pitch could use some work....you have a statement....that it ends in tradegy but then you contradict it....this isn't as strong as your story. I know pitches are hare, ecspeically the short one...
Try to figure out what it is about....
Like: if you had everything what more could you want? Or something like that.
I am shelving this, it has huge potential and I like your voice.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

I understood the feeling of the old woman waiting every day to spend time with the little girl who lived in the neighborhood. That was a nice touch. The Christmas present of a pony was something that made me feel very stingy when I consider the kind of gifts my wife and I gave our own kids.

Then, the little girl grows up and experiences wild sex without concern for protection. The dudes never even considered it. Well, it's pretty clear where such activity will lead.

The first chapter is fine but it gets slightly bogged down with the Christmas gift. I wondered why you wanted to spend so much time with that. Maybe, it becomes clearer later on. I'm not a grammarian by any stretch of the imagination, but don't you need to write eighty-year-old woman: when it is used as an adjective before a noun? Hell, I don't know, but you may want to check that since it is used in the first or second paragraph of Ch. 1.

Chapters 2 and 3 are very swift and smooth. Of course, the accurately described love scenes help to contribute to that.

Simply, this is a moving story that probably ends rather tragically. When I can find some time, I'm willing to pick it up again to see what happens. What can I say? You are shelved.

Hi Penny,

Great story, nicely flowing with great characterisation. The cover is a winner too.

Good luck, this is a good story.

Shelved

Jo xx

Spoilt, Fire Starter, Charlottesville and The Mystic Garden

Hi Penny,
I really enjoyed this. One of the strengths is the simplicity of the writing. You're not trying to show off with fancy words, so we can fully focus on the lovely story unfolding. I shot through three chapters and that's from someone who's unlikely to be your target reader!
A couple of things: In chap 1 you say 'Mrs Bannister' loads of times. Maybe replace a few with the 'the old widow' 'the white-haired old lady' etc
In chap 3: Maybe it's me, but the word 'manhood' doesn't work. You don't need a euphemism here.
Call it what it is! Penis, dick, cock, one-eyed trouser snake... (maybe not that last one)
Anyway, well worth a shelf.
Cheers,
Simon

Hello Penny,

If your purpose was to stir the human side in your reader, you did a great job doing so in this emotive story. It is well crafted with characters that are true to life. The descriptions added more expression to the story and with the effective use of dialogue and narrative, you brought out a brilliant plot. With some polish, this fascinating story will shine even brighter. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Penny....listen and listen carefully, you have a wonderful read here. You make iy very easy to be drawn into your story and to feel attached to your characters. Now I'm going to be a bit tough here, because I think this could actually go somewhere. Your writing could be a bit stronger and the flow more consistent. Take a look at your use of pronouns and names (especially in that first chapter). The number of times you use "Mrs. Bannister" in place of a pronoun can be a bit overwhelming and interrupts the flow of your story. I simple solution/suggestion would be to give her a first name...e.g. Mrs. Emily Bannister. Than as Nancy refer to her it could be "she/her" or "Mrs. Bannister" but when Maggie is with her it could be "she/her" or "Emily" You are simply looking for ways to break this up a bit and not be so repetitive.

You've chosen the right target audience and with some stronger writing I honestly think you could see this published.

Lockjaw

Hi Penny,

OMG, I can't even begin to tell you how your story made me feel. I felt happiness, sadness, anger even, I yelled at the computer a few times while reading and cried my eyes out. Perhaps that was a little too much, but the characters you created pried that out of me. All in all it was heart-wrenching 36 chapters and I loved it in the end. Thank you for writing such a marvelous novel.

~Eli

Nobody's Perfect...

Loved the first chapter and overall, I like this book enough to shelve it right away.

However, c. 2 left me a bit dissatisfied because I wanted to see more of Nancy's pain...I mean, your pitch mentions the pain, and being dumped after losing your virginity should be painful, too, but I didn't see any of that. There's one small reference in c.3, but it didn't feel like enough to me.

Sex scenes are difficult to write, and often the foreplay and the after are much more important than the actual sex because the before and after are where you can really reveal character and a lot about the couple's relationship. Your sex scenes are fun, but I'd like to see more before and after, plus more of Nancy's interior monologue. Does that make sense?

Well, maybe I'm thinking like a woman...supposedly, we need more 'warming up' than a man (not always true all of the time, right?)

This promises to be a fun read, but I'd like it to be just a bit deeper. One person's opinion only.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions)

Penny
Before the bigger picture, here are some nitpicks to look at:
* comma after speech e.g. "...her head[,]" said Maggie
* In fact "Maggie said" is easier to read
* O['] level
* She was a beautiful girl - beautiful is very subjective and advice on wriitng is to avoid such words in favour of something more visual that the reader can assess
* internal thoughts are not normally put in speech marks

Overall, the story is clearly very personal and emotional. This doesn't come across in the opening chapter which is quite passive. The opening paragraph is confusing anfd should be full of impact. You could start with dialogue, but make it interesting. The "what have you done today" conversation is a little dull. Grab your reader and pull them in with something interesting. Maybe start with something raunchy or at least emotional and give us a flashback to how Nancy came into her money.
I think you have something here, but it needs some moulding to make it commercial.
Good luck with your writing. It's ion my shelf for a while.
Chris (I Dare You)

Hi Penny!

I've read the first three chapters, and I can tell you've put your heart and soul into this story. For that reason, I'm happy to put this on my shelf. I do think you could use some fine tuning of tenses and such, and I would put forth a suggestion that I hope you aren't offended by - I feel that most of the first chapter could be chopped down and paraphrased (keep in mind, because of the suggestion of another Authonomite, I dropped over 3,000 words from my first chapter). I think it would make for a tighter story, and it wouldn't be so disconcerting to go from a girl getting a pony, to a short time later (narrative-wise) losing her virginity.

Good luck, and as I mentioned - shelved!

~Traci

I've just read your first three chapters and wow, you got my attention. And you have a great hook line. Suggestions to make it even better:

First, I don't use the words "vagina" or "penis". In fact, you write best when you ignored both words in chapter three. Just say "she was wet" or "he entered inside her" and we'll get the point.

Chapter one has a fairy tale feel to it. If this chapter is true, then you've been very fortunate. I've seen some of your comments, and they are true - you need to show us a little instead of tell us everything. What does that mean? Write some more dialogue. You of course need to tell us your story, but show us a scene or two. For instance, in chapter two - what is he playing on his guitar? What is playing on the radio? Does he look at her and blush? Shy or aggressive?

In your blurb - drop "An intrguing story of" and "Written with immense passion" and the last sentence - totally unnecessary. The reader should come to those conclusions anyway.

As an early draft, I saw this is great. You capture the readers' attention and your character gets into a pretty big conflict. To make it publishable, you still have work to do. But this is a nice start. Best of luck, KJ

Oy, oy, oy. I'm afraid I just didn't get on with this one at all. A lot of thought, work and effort has clearly gone into this novel so I feel kind of bad about commenting this way, but my being less than honest isn't going to help you, so... :-(

This is an example of a book that doesn't live up to its pitch. We're promised that we'll 'feel the guilt and pain' Nancy goes through in every chapter, but I just didn't. I know that she IS going through those emotions, because we're told that she is in the narrative, but that's precisely the problem. There's no empathy here. You TELL us what Nancy is feeling, but you don't SHOW us.

The narrative feels perfunctory and distant and the sex felt gynaecological. Having written a few myself, I appreciate that it's extremely difficult to write sex scenes without descending into cliché or pornography. But with these there's no sense of intimacy. I wanted to know what Nancy was experiencing when Jason or Thomas touched her. We know those areas of the body are sensitive so that part of it should go without saying. You need to convey, somehow, the uniqueness of each sexual experience Nancy has.

A good friend of mine despises Hemingway and sums up his books as 'Janet and John have sex'. So when Nancy's friend Janet hooks up with a lad named John, I thought this might be some sort of sly indicator as to what you were trying to do with this story. Your style is similar to Hemingway's - albeit less economical - but you always get a sense of something momentous behind his storytelling, no matter how dispassionate the writing. For me, I'm afraid, there's nothing above the ordinary about a young girl trying to choose between two suitors and prevent them from finding out about each other.

You need to find a way of making Nancy's experiences LIVE for us; to make the reader FEEL what she is feeling, rather than just tell us.

For an excellent example on authonomy of how this can be done, might I suggest Mat Jackson's 'Wrong Place, Wrong Time'? He achieves complete empathy with his characters - AND gets the sex right!

Sorry that I couldn't be more positive, but I sincerely hope that my comments are of some help.

Cheers,
Rob
(aka Ian Mayfield)

Hi Penny,

This certainly moves quickly--it's almost exhausting to read! Can you really keep up that pace for over 100,000 words?!

The characters seem distant. I think it's because the narrator is obvious. I was rather into the first chapter because I thought following that, the real story would begin but when ch2 started off in the same racing style with little detail or explanation or motivation, I felt a bit let down. There isn't a real clear POV so we aren't privy to what's going on inside anyone's heads which makes it difficult to care about any of them. How old was she when she went into the bar and then to bed with Jason? Sixteen? I was looking for details that would bring them to life but the only part of the story that really showed us anything were the parts where ... well, you know!

So I'll admit, this isn't my favorite genre. But I still think it could benefit from deeper characterization, setting, feelings, etc. Best of luck. ~Barb

Hi Penny,

Read some of Nobody's perfect and I think to hook an editor in, the fist chapter may need a re-look? It's very factual in the feel and doesn't pull me in enough to want to know where those facts are taking me - and that's a shame because it opens out a lot later on.

I like where we're going, but the almost matter of fact style made me do a double take when Alan ended up in Nancy's knickers and swiftly (deftly) took her virginity! I'm not sure what I was 'meant' to be feeling here - but it was mainly a feeling of, O bligh! Didn't see THAT coming!

Its got real legs, I know, but that first chapter as a whole life background should either be a whole 'nother book on its own( not recommended, but you see what I mean?), or dealt with in flashbacks - interwoven storylines maybe?

All the best

MAT

Penny finished the book, the only thing I would say is that Nancy calls her parents by their first names all through the book. It does need an edit but that is something I won't comment on, an edit is something that can be fixed. I comment on the story only, and this is a good book, I will recommend it, and as you know it is on my shelf.

Julie

I am up to chapter 3, I will keep on reading. I really like the book so it goes on shelf.

Julie

I've read the first three chapters, Penny. I like how straightforward your narrative style is - or rather seems to be. You make us aware of the depths of Nancy's feelings while describing them in such a down-to-earth way. You really do manage to convey a sense of inevitability about her relationships.

One little nitpick, and it's only my personal reaction, to be ignored at will :-) But to use the words "throbbing" and"manhood" close together is a bit of a classic cliche - and stood out (oops) among your wonderfully down-to-earth descriptions.

Shelved.

okay - first of all, I did not read the comments below so as to influence me as I write these comments. First of all, I like the premise. Now, the mechanics. Break up those paragraphs. LONG paragraphs slows the story down. The other thing that stood out for me is the dialogue. If someone else is speaking, break that up. Do not put two characters' dialogue in the same paragraph. If a character is thinking to themselves, no quote marks, just italicize it if you want to. I know I do. Lastly: do not make the first chapter long; make it short and punchy, draw the reader in like I do. Do me a favor: when make some mark-ups, let me know and I'll gladly come back and read some more. Until then, you are backed!

Looking forward to your comments on my book. Cheers!
JC

Penny,

A simply told story that manages to be intimate whilst maintaining distance. You deal with sex openly in a way that is certainly not salacious and you have a keen eye for detail. Nancy's life is an interesting one.

I'm giving this a quick spin on my shelf

JD Revene (Appetites)

Hi Penny.
Following are my observations:
On your pitch: careful about telling agents/editors what they will or won't like. E.g., "written with immense passion," "gives insight," "pull at your heartstrings.' Let them decide. You run the risk of alienating those who you're trying to win over.
A good pruning would make the piece stronger. E.g., "she would most certainly have died" could just be "she would have died." She had nothing but praise and thanks; you could pare down to praise OR thanks.
Do we need Mrs. B's near death, since she then dies 4 months after? She already loved Nancy, it's not that the fact that Nancy saved her the first time
All that said, this is the "intriguing story" that you promise -- wishing you all the best with it. Shelved.

Penny,

Well, I've only read the first couple of chapters but am hooked. You have a style that I'd sum up as sweet. I liked getting more than one point of view . You handled the switches seamlessly.

Your characters and dialogue all came across as believable and I see no reason to not shelf this. Will do so soon.

Heidi
Turning Red

Hi Penny,
I have just begun reading your story. Very sweet. I can't wait to read on.
Talk to you later!
Tammy

I like what you're trying to do here. The only thing though, is I feel I need more insight into her relationships...i.e. Jason and Thomas. You've narrated for me the course of their time together, but there's not enough dialogue, not enough moments which really stand out to bring out the poignant quality running just under the surface. I think honestly, if you expand on this, it would be really lovely!

It's just my opinion of course...nonetheless, its a great effort. Good luck with it!

Hi, Penny.
I've read the first three chapters and have to be honest: I don't like your tone. I nearly stopped after a few paragraphs, but wanted to give it a fair read. Please remember that this is just another opinion and subject to my particular tastes.

There is something about your style that puts me off. It is partly the pace, which is too slow for my liking, and partly the formality of the prose. To me, it reads the way it sounds when a book is read out loud for an audio book. It's not that it's wrong, but it doesn't sound very natural. I'll give you just one example: the first exchange between Nancy and Mrs. Bannister. To me, Nancy expresses herself like a much older child, yet you describe her like a tiny, very young girl. You also name people a lot, which weighs the story down.

Sorry. It's not my cup of tea. Good luck, nonetheless. Different strokes...
Deborah

Hi Penny,

I've just read the first 3 chapters and enjoyed it. Good easy to follow writing. My only comment is that I too thought there were too many Mrs Bannisters in the first few paragraphs but that might just be cos it's Mrs + Bannister as opposed to a single name like Penny if you know what I mean?

Anyway, good luck with this. I'm backing it!

Regards
Gerri

Hi Penny,
Drawn to this by the clever pitch. Lovely writing and pace. My only comment would be there is a lot of repetition of "Mrs Bannister" in the first few paragraphs and perhaps you could look at this, perhaps "the old lady" or something similar. Otherwise, a great story written with emotion and passion. Happy to shelve.

my kinda plot :D
xoxo

Hi Penny,

It’s starts off as such a heart-warming story. I absolutely loved Mrs. Bannister and was sadden when she died.

Then we get into all the passion, and oh my, Nancy certainly has matured. I loved the vivid scenes and kept me hooked. The writing is addictive and I will certainly be returning to find out more.

There are repititions at times, particularly in the love scenes but that's minor details. You gripped me and that's what's important.

You will be on my shelf bright and early tomorrow.

shinzy :)

Pitch – “Or does it?” Great. Already, I’m intrigued. But the sentence – “…true meaning of love…goes hand in hand with true love.” Repetition, maybe use the phrase just once? Just a thought.

Anyway, this has a good strong voice from the word go, and I’m immediately engaged in the story. Your prose is clear and concise, and I like the reflections of Mrs Bannister. Well written.
The scenes you paint are beautiful - snow, pony, the smell of turkey and ladies of 3 generations together. Well portrayed.
*I don’t know how you manage to effortlessly drift us over the years the way you do, but it’s superb and I’ll be back to analyse this nugget for my own work.

Ending Ch1. It could be a good idea to end on discovering the contents of the letter, giving a wow factor and prompting the reader to eagerly turn to Ch2. I like chapters ending this way. Just a thought.

The end of Ch2 – phew!

Ch3 I don’t like the word “manhood” but otherwise, no complaints. Phew, I think I need a cold shower after that!

To sum up this is great writing; warm, passionate, gentle, descriptive and emotional. The characters are very easy to latch on to and their dialogue is perfect.
I agree with Dania below, a stronger POV may well help make this great writing shine even more. And TomW makes a good point too.
Note I completely ignore the fact that this is biographical – all due respect, but I’m not actually interested in that side, I’m here to read a good story. I’d even go so far as to suggest picking this out of your pitch, but that’s just my personal preference (as are all my notes here). Not everyone would agree, but that’s what makes this site so interesting – after all, nobody’s perfect...

This is a great story, I’m enjoying it and one I’ve cooled down a bit, I’ll be back for more…

I can easily see this in print.
Shelved with my best wishes
David (Green Ore)

I was attracted to this by the title (from Some Like It Hot?)
This is an intriguing story, with some nice twists and excellent characters.

You have a calm way of narrating and I liked this.
Shelved!
Alison

I'm just commenting so you can try a different position.

Hi Penny!

Really enjoyed the first chapter, the relationship between Mrs Bannister and Nancy is very sweet. It's a sad ending for Mrs Bannister though!

I think that at times the writing is a little passive, and more dialogue would involve the reader more. The same with telling and showing, there is a little too much 'was' which is something i struggle with in my book. Narrative is a tricky business!

The pitch promises an intriguing and enjoyable story, and from what i have read this shows a lot of potential. I am happy to back you, but i do feel it needs some editing.

All the best,
Valentina x

A clearly personal tale which makes it an engaging read. There’s a lot of innocence and passion in her stories with both men and the opening with Mrs Bannister makes Nancy immediately likeable to the reader.
If I may, can I suggest using a much stronger POV? Currently we hear the narrator speak and it would be a lot more powerful to see things through Nancy’s eyes. I got similar comments a while ago (on Authonomy and a creative writing workshop) and it sent me through a major editing exercise but I felt it enriched the manuscript and I actually enjoyed writing it a lot more.
For example, I would have loved to hear more about her meetings/conversations with each of Jason and Thomas and what she felt and thought when she was around them etc. Your story has a lot of potential and I will be glad to come back and read it if you edit it and would like an additional opinion.
Hope these comments help and wish you the best of luck with it.

First Jason then Thomas. Two heartbreaks before even chapter 7. I have to admit its hard to put down

Penny
What a well-written book. The text is flowing so naturally! Shelved. Good luck to you!
Nillan
Blue-eyed in Luhya-land

impressionistic narrative appeals with its sometimes startling, disconnected connections.

a sense of time folding in on itself, the first chapter especially so, but continuing throughout the narrative.

the narrative voice switches its point of view so that we see events from multiple perspectives.

nancy's past, the chat about the dog fred and the pony, mrs bannister's death, give depth to the story which continures many years later , in ch 2.

the losing of nancy's virginity, described with intimate detail, and yet also with detachment.

that is true, from what i've read so far, of the work throughout--your style, which combines, in an appealing way, intimate knowledge and insight with a childlike innocence, or directness, which would be naive were it not for the weight of experience implied in the background.

i enjoyed reading, whilst also feeling that i was seeing more than i should. i suspect this is one of your aims in your writing..? certainly your overarching theme, the "inevitability" of a tragic end for love and passion (or is it?) comes through explicitly in your prose.

shelved, and best of luck with your writing, penny, i wish you well.

freddie