FLASH OF THE SUN

Janvier

Awesome thriller should be giving this one to Hollywood, express mail I mean like now

Wow! This sounds like another fast-paced 'Angels and Demons' except that religious history is replaced with political history. Although I am not into political fiction, I would not mind reading this one for a change.

About your prose, I hold no negative thoughts. I think it's racy, readable and perfectly what popular fiction is like. I really look forward to seeing you climb the ladder here and get published.

You are on my watchlist and I so wish there were more places in the shelf.

Wishes,
Efadul Huq

Great pitch

You can tell from the first Chapter how much work and research has gone into writing your book - wonderfully facinating

Your descriptions are clever and well written which makes this a really great read

I only comment on the story and how it makes me feel and it's full of intrigue with suspense, thrilling and a great building plot line.

I like Rene's character and the dialogue is great

I did a different part of the after math of World War II in school but didn't touch this side. I'm keeping this on my WL to carry on the read, but from the first few chapters alone I'm certainly shelving - great writing

Chris Thom
Working to Motherhood

A tip I have learnt - if you click on the cherries at the side of your comments, it pushes them to the top of the list as well as keeping them in their existing place. It's good to push your favourite comments up there so people reading can see them first.

I dont really know what to say at this point I guess HC says it all. But I do wish you the BEST of luck with this read. I am thoroughly enjoying it and backed it.

Janvier, and exciting book that I must finish. A terrific thriller, backed!

Ah, the Renault Dauphin (dolphin, I think!) A car that I fancied when I was too young to drive. Now all cars look the same!

I've only read chapter one so far, due to lack of time, but it's an intriguing start!

So, Harper Collins says:
"Possibly the greatest problem I have with the story is that I don’t feel it fulfils its promise as a thriller. This might be due to its length; at under 50,000 words you have not had the time to build in enough character and plot development, and, as a result, the story lacks dramatic tension..."

Uh, wait a minute. Don't you clearly tell us in your pitch that your novel is COMPLETE at 120,000 words??? Whoever read this thinks that your book is only 50,000 words. DIdn't they read this partial with the understanding that only half is posted here? Ugh. I would write them a thank you note for their time, point out that little faux pas, and head to the next publisher. Sheesh!!

Your writing speaks for itself, sweetie. Not saying you shouldn't take any of their advice, just saying that this is one person's opinion, just like mine.

Now get to the post office and start shopping this incredible story around!!
: )

Hey Janvier, Thank you very much for making this public.

I'm curious about your response to the review: do you think it is accurate? Is it helpful? Was it worth the time and energy expended to get it?

Thanks, Patricia

Thank you for posting the Harper Collins review. Insightful to read and very helpful.

Really enjoying the story so far!!! Utterly hooked, can't wait to keep reading! :)
JM

i really liked this book. the plot grabbed me by the lapels and would not let go. this will be a great book.
CKH

Hi Janvier - sorry it's taken so long, but I have started reading and got through the first 6 chapters. First impressions - very Frederick Forsyth in style and setting (I mean this as a positive). This is not my usual genre of reading, but I happen to love The Day of the Jackal, of which this reminds me.

Your writing style is very clear and paints vivid pictures to me. I like your attention to detail and the obvious research you have undertaken adds to the credibility of the story. I have rightly back this.

Good luck and all the best. I'm looking forward to finishing this read.

Hello Janvier,
I am not finished reading Flash of the Sun yet. So far, it is a great read. You will have a loyal readership.
I can't even imagine writing a book like this, which is obvious from what I do write.

I'm sortof at a loss for words here. Your story is so well written and paced, that the only fault I noticed was a double space at the beginning of chapter one. I can picture the main charecters and their personalities quiet clearly. I couldn't really get a visual of the area. I don't know cars or the buildings your charecters encountered, so they were just names to me. I got a better visual with the opera house where Clement met the woman he can't get over.

I truly believe this book can go far. Would be nice to have a little more detail though.
Happily shelved!
Jennifer Marie
(Paper, Weredragon)

hi janvier,
this is not a gene that i would normally read, but the tension and the sense of expectation grabbed me from the first paragaph. i think your writing style is elegant and effortless and i like the cultural signposts and references....i have backed it and will be reading more asap.
best of luck,
lillibell

Hi Janvier :-)

Nice use of cultural references/ facts to back up the storyline. Espionage/ assasinations are always a popular read which goes hand-in-hand with an excellent writing style which you flaunt effortlessly. I can certainly imagine seeing this on a shelf in bookshop rather than an online one.

onaya3 :-)

Like the complexiety and the balance of poetic narrative to create calm before the storm.Stays on my shelf; backed it twice, why not.
See what you think of Time Bandit
Brian

Janvier,
Sorry for delay.
This fits well into the thriller genre. It's well-written and suspenseful. I enjoyed what appears to be the research you've done: it adds authenticity.
The pacing varies, perhaps due to longer sentences in places that bog it down somewhat. You may want to re-examine this to make it "punchier."
Overall, a good read, very descriptive and engaging.

Good luck on your HC review.

Alan
Time of the Avatar

I'm not usually into political thrillers, but I am captivated by assassins. This first chapter does a great job of building tension and the writing is solid even if it's not a subject that I'm necessarily into.

Hi Janvier
I came to this enthused by your pitch and your obviously big following but I'm afraid it's not what I expected . As a thriller the opening scene has a lot of resonance with e.g 'Day of the Jackal' but for me it lacked dramatic tension. the opening paragraph didn't really draw me into the story by setting up an intriguing character or situation and some of the writing I found bit awkward, e.g. 'imposing itself in his mind' and 'audible curses that would have been incomprehensible even to his own ears had he bothered to listen to himself''
Anyway, it looks like you are on the desk, so many congratualtions and clearly I am in a minority. I do hope you get something good back from those editors.
I also hope you'll return the read - be as ruthless as you like!
AliB
The Water's Edge

Many congratualtions... one of the best books here xx Marion

A very hearty congratulations! I do hope someone on the editorial board grabs it.

This book is either meticulously researched or blagged so successfully that it becomes totally believeable. I love the location, i love the period it's set in. This reminds me of a thriller of the old school which just don't seem to be written much these days..and mores the pity. This is exactly the sort of book I'd like to take on a beach holiday, and would probably get sunburn from. Excellent.

Flash of the Sun is a very well crafted piece of work and I'm a little in awe at the scale of the research and planning that must have gone into this. It certainly deserves to be published. In fact, I'm quite taken aback that you haven't already had that offer. Just a matter of time, I suspect. Good luck. Clare (Second Lives)

Janvier,
This is my honest editorial advice for your book. I hope you do not feel offended, but rather use the information to make your book even better. I have no doubt that Flash of the Sun will be published, and I've put it on my shelf.
1. Do not use exclamation points in dialogue except under extreme circumstances. Your dialogue is strong and already conveys the intensity of feeling beneath it. Adding the ex pts. makes it over-the-top and amateurish-sounding.
2. Action/fighting sequences are tricky to write well. Below is one of your paragraphs where the action is not clear. You write:

Clelment disarmed him even before he said the last words. It happened at lightning speed. Quick karate kicks knocked the knife from the mugger's right hand, and then hand and leg movements flipped the guy over and sent him crashing down on the cobble stones.

A. "before he said the last words" told me that this happened fast. When you added "It happened at lightning speed," it became redundant and slowed my reading down. Keep one or the other.
B. Why do we care if it was the mugger's right hand? It made me curious.
C. "hand and leg movements" does not give me a visual of what Clement actually did. Maybe something like this: "Clement twisted the guy's arm hard and fast, sending him crashing to the cobble stones.

Overall, very well written. It's clear that you know your history and this gives the story a strong sense of authenticity. I look forward to seeing your book on the "real" bookshelves.
Jambi
Fringe of Darkness

I am in the Richard Denning mode of deja vu - I did back and comment on this some time ago, didn't I?? Obviously not.
Backed. First chapter seems very familiar so I must've read it before. Anyway, it's very deserving of a place on the editor's desk.
Good luck.
Gary

Janvier: Great writing! Jedward (Brünnhilde)

Hello Janvier,

I started reading your story just after having booked a ticket to go to Paris in a month, so perfect synchro! I like your style, it's clear, fluid, vivid and easy to picture. I am easily drawn into the story and into the lives of the characters. Your plot sounds interesting, deep and quite a journey. I am not able to read much of it, but I have a feeling that you are conveying quite a lot of messages through your story and your characters.
Bravo et bonne chance!
And of course, backed. Congratulations
Yasmin

I have a feeling of deja-vu here. I am sure I backed you a while back but I am not sure.
Anyway happy to do so again (or for the first time)

I felt this was a well built political thriller

Janvier,

A very intriguing read and one which has highlighted the fact that I'm terribly ignorant of my French history. It's an interesting way to catch up on my history lessons.

The prose is quite good, though there are a couple of places where you use the same adjectives/verbs in a very short amount of time. That's something for your future editor to pick up on, though.

Shelved.

Geoffrey
The Woodlanders: Summer Song

I read and backed this a couple of days ago, Janvier. Now the comments: A French man, Rene, in New York, 1958 ... an assassin? No, an avenger. We are half-in his point-of-view, half-outside it, seeing his behaviour, getting glimpses of his thoughts and feelings. Clement, then, an American in Paris, and a much closer point-of-view with him, French sights, food and politics. (The fight scene could have been a little more detailed.) Back to Rene, and his odd POV, keeping us at arms length in a very interesting way, and more international politics, including a narrative re the Algiers Putsch.

This is a beautifully written period piece, full of atmosphere. Perhaps decide whether you want this reviewed by HC as a literary work or as a thriller. Look back over previous reviews, and then maybe limit the number of genres it is classed as? It certainly deserves a place on the ED.

As I was reading, I was thinking-- "how the heck is this guy not published"... then I went back to your bio...

oh... haha.

Then you don't need me to tell you tales of your talent or impeccable ability to tell a story.

I am not far into your book, but wanted to make my backing timely to keep your talent close to the editorials desk. Hopefully I will get back to your work soon. Until then, good luck with everything and I am hoping for the best.

Dan

The characters come across very easily and your writing style is humble enough to wonder if you really are French?!

Shelved. Bon Chance!

A genuine thriller, fast-paced, exciting, immediately publishable. Just need to describe the story in terms of the hero.
alan

Janvier
I would buy this book and I can see it as a blockbuster movie. You have a powerful visual imagination and your scene-setting is masterly. Once anyone reads, you have them hooked.
I think your pitch is weak and does not do justice to your writing and your story. Since Gavin is the hero, the pitch should focus on him, and his journey, rather than the setting or background. So your pitch needs to begin with Gavin, not Rene.
The pitch needs to summarise the story in terms of the hero. I hope this is useful!!
Frank

Janvier,
I read the first three chapters. Unfortunately, historical fiction is generally not my cup of tea, and there is not much here to hook me in. I don't know how targeted your audience is, but if you want it to appeal to more of the general public, I'd recommend spreading this backstory out more, using clearly labeled flashbacks, and including more action in the first few chapters. The attempted sniping was a great start, but from there it devolved into politics and a history lesson, and you lost me.

From a technical standpoint, your writing feels to me like it's been translated from another language. There is awkward phrasing, and uncomfortable tenses. There seems to be an abundance of pluperfect in your writing, which slows it down tremendously. As an example, in the last paragraph of chapter 3, you say "Just like millions of ... French citizens, Rene Roccard had come to regard the French legend as their only hope..." A more comfortable wording would be "Just like millions of ...French citizens, Rene Roccard regarded the French legend as their only hope." Assuming that he still feels that way, the simple past tense makes sense and makes for a much smoother read.

Sorry I couldn't get more into the book... I hope my comment is helpful.

~Karilyn
Garden of Souls

Hi Janvier
I came to this enthused by your pitch and your obviously big following but I'm afraid it's not what I expected . As a thriller the opening scene has a lot of resonance with e.g 'Day of the Jackal' but for me it lacked dramatic tension. the opening paragraph didn't really draw me into the story by setting up an intriguing character or situation and some of the writing I found bit awkward, e.g. 'imposing itself in his mind' and 'audible curses that would have been incomprehensible even to his own ears had he bothered to listen to himself''
Anyway, it looks like you are on the desk, so many congratualtions and clearly I am in a minority. I do hope you get something good back from those editors.
I also hope you'll return the read - be as ruthless as you like!
AliB
The Water's Edge

Janvier,

The quality of your writing is at a much more refined level then most of the material posted here at Authonomy. This is not a happy read, but an important one. I hope that this work makes it into the hands of one of Harper-Collins’ editors.

Shane Kennedy
“The Summer Girl”

Janvier,

The quality of your writing is at a much more refined level then most of the material posted here at Authonomy. This is not a happy read, but an important one. I hope that this work makes it into the hands of one of Harper-Collins’ editors.

Shane Kennedy
“The Summer Girl”

I just read the opening chapter and it is so intelligently written. I like how you've incorporated French... it really adds a sense of place. The description skillfully sets the scene. I'll definitely be reading more as soon as I have the time. I wish you all the best with the book. Emily

Hi Janvier,

I'm glad I got to this before it is inevitably on the Ed. Desk. So many other comments have said it all, so I'll tell you what I like about it. It's fast paced and doesn't let up. Even when you change characters and scenes, in too many other books it's like starting over; in your book it seems like we're always in the middle. I love that about it. Congratulations.

Shelved.

Charley
"5ive Speed"

I was hooked! I wanted to pull the trigger myself for Rene. Get out of the way!
It's a reassuring sign that you are able to relate to, and sympathize with, the characters so quickly - even assassins! A well-paced beginning to what does not fail to deliver on the pages that follow. It's clear that the author has put in a lot of meticulous research. I'll be back to this one for a bedtime read later. Or maybe I'll wait for the movie to come out?
Shelved and backed with just cause.
Good luck!

A brilliant work of art that should captivate readers, regardless of race, sex, creed or religion; Truly a Universal read ---- Michael

Excellently written book.
Good luck Janvier

Janvier,

Not much to critique here. Flash of the Sun is superbly written with a rich story line and multi-layered plot. The characterization is excellent. You reveal the characters to the reader through their actions. There’s no more effective way than that and you picked very specific actions that give us incite into each character. I only had time to read the first three chapters, but I already feel like I know Rene and Clement quite well.

I liked the short pitch, got my attention. The longer pitch seems to complicated – too many subplots listed to get a clear understanding of what the book is about without reading it more than once. IMHO five characters is a lot to introduce in a pitch. But on the other hand you have a detailed and complex story – so maybe it warrants it.

Great opening chapter. It really draws the reader in and you paint a vivid picture of Rene and his character through his actions.

You want to take it easy with the exclamation points. There’s quite a few in chapter two. A lot of editors frown upon them and consider them the equivalent of shouting at the reader.

Happy to back Flash of the Sun!

Laurie

I like to come away from a novel more informed, and this is one that accomplishes that for me. You've done a superb job of portraying attitudes toward French colonization, weaving history and backstory into a smooth-flowing narrative. You've earned your place at the top.

This is a large scale story in a small space, deftly told and well- crafted. No wonder it has been doing well. I several times felt that I wanted to know a bit more in all dimensions, but I am sure it is better to leave the reader hungry than over-feed..... Backed, of course....Is there a film in here struggling to get out? DB

Hi really enjoying reading and especially love the way you created the atmosphere for New York and Paris so that you became quicky immersed within the story. Dixie.

A very thrilling read with interesting characters. A lot of work has clearly gone into this book, and I think it definitely deserves its high position. All in all, a very enjoyable read; I didn't see anything that needed to be changed

I would agree with another reader that there is too much documentary exposition here, and that not enough is made of the inherent tension. If you say that the music case contains barely-recognisable rifle parts, you give away all the sense of mystery.
The assassination attempt in chapter 1 is only half dramatised, and the target is captioned as if he's being shown in a picture in a newspaper. I think the whole thing would be much more effective if you allowed the situation to reveal this sort of information; the art is in controlling how much you tell your readers whilst appearing not to be doing so.

Janvier,

You've got a good storyline here. The political intrigue should play out well. I've only got a couple of things I'd like to point out. You seem to be a little exclamation happy, especially with "Uh-huh." Take a glance through and see if it's overused.

The second thing is in chapter 4. I'm really unsure of the long second person narration about Cameroon, and then how it slides into the house near the Akwa neighborhood. This seems to break the narration completely apart. At first I believed that the second person was because it had been taken from some sort of guide book or historical film about Cameroon. As soon as it slides into the neighborhood, I become lost as to why you would want to speak directly to the reader like that. The shift in point of view doesn't seem to serve any real purpose, either. Of course, this could just be my thing since I am deathly allergic to second person narration.

Other than those two things, you've got an excellent story growing here. I made it through chapter 5, and will probably come back for more. On my shelf.

Thomas Sinclair

First of all, a disclaimer: political thrillers are not my genre so I can't tell if this is a good story or not (I suspect it is). My opinion, therefore (based on the the first three chapters), is on the quality of the writing alone.

I gave the book the test I give all books in a bookshop. Did the opening catch my eye? I have to say, no. The Chando poem slightly distracted me. But I pressed on, looking for a thriller, but found myself reading a paean of praise about a French marque of car.

It was not until seventeen paragraphs in that I learned an assassination attempt would be made and that, for me, was where the book should have started. "Rene took less than three minutes to assemble the sniper rifle". That was a line that captured my interest and made me want to read on.

I read on, but I'm afraid I didn't really enjoy what I was reading. I think you were trying too hard with your imagery. "... lips slightly corrupted by a sneer he could not shake off", "A bemused expression crossed his face at the irony of his nervousness" and "Even so his awareness of the state of his mind did not prevent him from muttering a torrent of curses under his breath". Florid phrases and sentences like these slow up the pace and are not genre-friendly. A thriller needs tight, sparse writing.

A few specific points: Some of Rene's thoughts are in English and some in French. Stick to English. The opening scene takes place in Spring 1958, yet we have Rene remembering January 1958 "as if it was only yesterday". Not difficult! Flashbacks don't need the use of "had" in every sentence (e.g., ' "Tell him I will call back" he had responded'). Drop the "had". We know it's a flashback. Don't tell us that inside the guitar case are "hardly recognisable rifle parts". Let us think it's a guitar in there - until we see Rene assembling those innocent components into a sniper's rifle.

It is obvious you have carefully researched the background and history of your book's setting. The unfortunate thing is, your research shows. This has given rise to unnatural conversations where two characters tell each other things they already know, and explain the situation to the reader. There's no need for this. You're writing fiction - not reporting French history and politics.

I'm sure there's a cracking story underneath all this adipose tissue. For your potential readers to find it - and be thrilled by it - you need to simplify. Explain less. Make your writing as taut as the story.

Janvier, I appreciate this critique will disappoint you (and baffle or outrage the 189 Authonomy members on whose shelf your book sits and who, in the main, have offered unstinting praise) but my comments are given honestly in the hope that they are helpful. In any event, I don't suppose they will in any way jeopardise your rise to the ED!

Richard Maitland (The Sex Stone of Agassia)

You're a little heavy on speech tags and adverbs, so you might want to edit out some of the -ly words. That's my only trifle. This is a solid book and I hope you find publication for it soon.