Dream Slayer

That book is sooo cool,
I love the new idea of making Natalia escape to her dreams and trully thinks its her real life. I do that alot but I don't believe its true ;).
I like the way you write it as well, very vived.

Shelved :D
Kimmy

Oh I like Morach! He has loads of potential, I hope he survives for a sequel. 'Undead linebacker' I would respond with an alternative cricket term but I dont know anything about that either. Jill, I have got to shelf this book, the interaction between the heroine and Morach is priceless, it will hold the whole book together especially the way they are 'sparking off' each other. You are handling this brilliantly, well done.
All the best, Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

This breathes so much life into relatable real-world circumstances - an overbearing father, an unappreciated child who uses memories and dreams to escape. Very well written and tight prose. I love this kind of genre...

Hi Jill,

I read your first three chapters.

You've put a witty twist on the teen vampire story genre, and I loved it.

You started with a tense, dramatic opening and followed up with a touching, sometimes humorous, fantasy intrigue.

Your characterization of natalie the teen shows her to be sweet and awkward and imaginative. Your characterzation of Nat the slayer shows her to be pretty much the opposite. Damien is a mystery. You have ample opportunity for a great deal of drama here.

Natalie's morphing was an exceptionally creative way to describe her (what she morphed from), and a seamless way to get into her fantasy. Masterful, Jill.

Your humor is superb. For example, "Someone really needs to breed a smarter vampire!" I laughed out loud at that one . . . and many others.

Your descriptions are excellent. For example, 'An unlikely mixture of dark brooding and Indiana Jones, he wore a black fedora upon his head, covering up his shoulder length black hair.'

Your dialogue is crisp and entertaining. Your ability to switch the tone of Natalie's voice (dialogue) from down-trodden fat girl to vampire slayer is awesome. Nice job, Jill.

Some suggested edits.

"I care." Natalie said. Comma after 'care.' Same thing with "I didn't mean it like that. I guess I wasn't paying attention." Natalie admitted. (comma after 'attention.') There are many more cases of this type of problem in your first three chapters.

That night it was a 20's gangster number in deep lavender. Spell out numbers 1 to 99.

This was a little over the top even for her him. Delete 'her.'

Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminiishes their effectiveness.

A fracture like a twisted branch growing up its center.. Remove one of the two periods at the end of this sentence.

These are minor lapses and didn't interfer with my enjoyment of your story.

Good luck with this book which I have backed.

Al

PS: Might I ask you to read and review SAVANNAH PASSION?

Hey, this is good stuff, Jill. Like the way she flips from one world to another - does she have any control over this, I wonder? And no time has passed when she returns back. You might want to look at this further as in chapter 3, times does seem to have passed whiel she's been in a dream world? Wasn't too sure about her father - he comes across as a real tyrant in chapter 1, reducing her to tears and yet he seems quite pleasant in chapter 3 - this is intriguing and makes me wonder what is really going on here. Great sense of anticipation and menace. I enjoyed reading this and think that today's teens wil love it.

Goodness gracious me. What a story. I just love the way she totally goes off into a different world, it's great. I actually wanted to read and read and read (I don't very often feel like that on this site...)
I'm backing it to give you a well-deserved bump up the charts.
Have fun writing and keep it up, it's great.

It aches with a sorroful innocence once lost, a playful realm of fun and imagination. This is enjoyable, and I believe that if the market wasn't oversaturated with vampires right now, you would have a even wider reader database.

Wow, Jill! Books about vampire slayers are always fun, and this one is no exception! I just love Natalie, she's so cute, and the story is great so far. Good stuff!

this has a lot of stuff that i love. the quick pace and tons of action are right at the top of that list. good luck with it.

Hey, after a long absence I have returned to read more and have placed this book comfortably on my shelf. Despite previous reservations re:the Buffy connection lol. :) Thanks for the continuing good read!

Okay, jillybug - apologies for arriving so late for our read-swap, especially being the one who requested it. must say, despite some of the negative hype one sees poked about in the fora, this is the first vampire book on here I have actually read. And I've never seen a full episode of Buffy, so I am not jaded by that. And I have to say, I did enjoy this. Here are my random thoughts:

- good action from the off, and your first para is ace;
- "Let me guess...": loved this line;
- Morach has a great voice. He's British, right? You are *mean*;
- "mad scientist last year": a clever reference. Get your prequel set-ups in early doors;
- "and [she] should": need the 'she';
- "Her [long, silky] blond hair": felt a bit too 'tell'-y. Okay, she's got cute hair. But tell me that without *telling* me that;
- "nineteen twenties": '1920s', I think;
- "Always a genius...": good dialogue in these few paras;
- "thick[,] curved fangs": need the comma;
- "off [of] the stove": get rid of the 'of';
- "[like] they shared... [like] she was assaulted": lose the likes and replace with 'as if';
- "their eye[s]": need the plural, unless they're sharing one;
- "she was [being] assaulted": need the 'being', I think;
- "[rank] pair of old gym socks": lose the 'rank'. It's over-writing. The job is done by the 'old' alone;
- "She kicked her feet, a cry of...": this felt like a clumsy sentence. Can't think of an obvious alternative. Think you should re-phrase this;
- "just [like] all evil beings": again, 'as if', not 'like';
- "to still be alive": split infinitives - discuss. Many will say there's nothing wrong with them. Personally I find them inelegant, and your writing is not that. I'd re-cast, if I were you;
- "[I]t least": need 'at least', I hink;
- "Gordon Ramsey": I shall put you over my knee, my dear. It's 'Ramsay';
- "met hers [repeatedly[": I'd lose that word. You don't need it;
- "but [to] close her eyes": lose the 'to';
- "still didn't trust him": nice vagueness and mystery. Why no trust?;
- "[like] he didn't need": again, 'as if';
- "half[-]demon": need the hyphen.

A cracking opening, Jill, and I love the glib, sarky tone of Natalie. A great character is born. I shall give you a moment on the old shelf. Look forward to your thoughts on 'Pistols'. Best of luck with 'Dream Slayer' - sestius

This is a great story...I haven't been able to read it all, but it totally pulled me in from the start...You have created a great world..dark, funny at times...mysterious characters...

shelved :)

Hollie

Hi Jill,
Your synopsis looks very interesting. Looking forward to immersing myself in the rest of your book. Will get back with comments.
Pat

I''m shelving this. Your imagination is fantastic and the story you're building seems to have a strong foundation. I do have a few thoughts, though.

Right off the bat, I could feel the action of the story, of the chase, but kept being distanced from it by past tense eg. "Natalia raced" Isn't she still racing to stop him? Could she be running? Catching her breath? Sweating? The first paragraph about Monarch's meal keeps tripping me up. Perhaps beginning with Natalie chasing him and giving the info about Monarch's meal in the form of Natalie realizing why she's chasing him -- he has a devious meal planned! -- and what happens if she DOESN'T stop him -- Meadow Creek is doomed to anarchcy! -- might work? Places it all from Natalie's POV and keeps the reader on-track.

Your dialogue is fine, but the overwriting is interrupting the pace and throwing me. Making your sentences clean and crisp will do a lot to help the natural pace breathe. Instead of using "like they were just waxed", why not consider " ... were still empty, the floor shining under a fresh coat of wax" See? Active and present. Less ambiguous. Creating the world Natalie is in HERE and NOW for the reader. Doing that also with the chairs turned upside down on the tables might work as well.

But I suspect you already know all of this. :^) You obviously have talent and, like I said, the foundations of a strong story. Despite my suggestions -- which are simply my opinion, nothing more, nothing less --, I have no trouble at all placing you on my shelf.

Jonathan
"Martuk ... The Holy"

Hi Jill,
I absolutely love your premise. I'm a sucker for vampire stories, so of course I had to check this out. I found the opening chapters that I read a delight and fun to read. This is a fresh look at teenage vampire slayer - a overpopulated market in many ways. But it's a popular concept, so I think having a fresh take on it could be your ticket. Great work. Shelved!

You pegged the fat-girl-odd-ball in high school character. And I love her alter-ego. This is so realistic as far as the dialogue and teasing. I agree that it needs tightening and editing. Excellent story. Shelved.
Rebecca

Jilly
This is a great premise for a story. The synopsis is good so a browsing reader is bound to want to open it up and read. Your wriitng is pretty good. The only area I think you can improve is on the start. Morach the Great preparing a special meal, didn't get me. My advice is to write something with interest, intrigue or a shock. One of my favourite non-thriller starts is A Tenderness of Wolves which starts (I paraphrase!) "The first time I saw him he had a wolf slung over his shoulder." It's simple but effective. Have a look at your favourite books and see how they start.
There's a good sense of atmosphere and the characters are well drawn. Good luck with this, I think you might be on to something.
Final thought: the title. Slayer gave me the impression of a horror story, so you might want to rethink this.
On my shelf
ChrisX

Hi Jill,

This opens strongly, with a fast-paced action scene. Your arch villain, Morach, is a good foil to your MC. I can see this story being very appealing to your target audience.

I spotted a few minor things as I was reading Ch1:

‘Creepy and its caused her spine…’ need comma after ‘Creepy’.

‘The look in their eye’ – ‘eyes’

‘heard an audible crack’ – audible is redundant

‘minion tried to regroup’ – one person/demon can’t regroup; maybe ‘recover’.

Minion/demon/beast are used interchangeably for Morach’s sidekicks. I found this a bit off-putting. Might be better to use one term consistently.

‘His jaw was strong with a prominent brow’ – makes it sound like his jaw had the brow. Maybe: ‘With a strong jaw and a prominent brow…’

‘It least with me here’ – ‘At least…’

On my shelf for a spell. Good luck.
Tony (Sirocco Express)

A few things I love about this: it's witty, edgy, imaginative, well-paced, action packed and intriguing. It reminds me of Buffy a bit. If others have said the same thing and you're a bit sick of hearing it I do apologize, but I'd think of it as a compliment! It is somewhat more imaginative than Buffy, though. It's just very enthralling and well, you've got it down. Shelved.
S

Dear Jill,


Reigns as in rule? Or reins as for controlling a horse?

I’m not mad about vampires, cos I ain’t frightened of them, girl. So I read to critique the writing rather than get involved with the story.

Dream Slayer is on my bookshelf.

In my experience, you should edit this tighter. A literary agent will ask you to do so in any case. I’m talking polishing and tweaking. It’s really a simple matter of taking words out to expose the key issues.

Over the past five months I have spent three hundred hours providing page-long critiques but can no longer keep up with the volume.

So I’m trying another way of passing on information.

I will attempt to do better than critique your work by indicating how you might judge it yourself. Rather along the lines of give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, feed him for life. You may or may not agree with everything and I admit I do not always stick to these thoughts either.

What I have set out below are guide-lines based on what I myself have learnt from being published.

The pitch is critically important as among the book-lists which editors scan, your pitch stands alone with no support from the synopsis. I write the synopsis first, because a key sentence there is usually appropriate for the pitch.

A synopsis is not a dust-jacket advertisement. Aimed at a professional editor, it is a no-nonsense summary of what happens in the novel, including how the novel ends. Don’t leave the editor dangling and don’t ask her questions. Tell her.

Somerset Maugham said, ‘There are three rules for writing a successful novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.’

Correct. There are no rules for creativity. Think of Richard Bach’s Jonathon Livingstone Seagull. So way out, so creative it was rejected over a hundred times. Then it became a best seller.

There is one criterion though……. entertainment. Our writing must entertain from the very first sentence. There is no other reason for story-telling whether around a camp fire or in print..

I have struggled nine years to write three novels. Each written three times. One published, one lying fallow, Fig Tree currently in the process of being rewritten for the fifth time. Two literary agents requested the full manuscript but threw it back at me for narrative story telling. So I am rewriting, converting narrative to dialogue.

Based on what has happened to me, these are my thoughts on what editors want from us…………….


Plunge directly into the story. Do not set the scene or back-story first. When we go to a play and the curtain rises, we don’t see stage hands putting the props in place. The stage is already set. Likewise our opening paragraphs to the reader, the actors should immediately get on with it.

I have found that our opening chapter isn’t necessarily the first one we write. It might only occur to us when the novel is completed.

Let our characters drive the story-telling via dialogue, interplay and direct action. It’s stupid (although I am guilty of this) to have a stage set and silent characters frozen, while an off-stage narrator bores the audience with what is supposed to be happening on the stage.

Write minimal words because research shows that our readers’ brains race ahead of our words, visualizing the scene themselves, anticipating how our sentences end…… four times faster than they are reading. They become bored and frustrated by our overwriting, over description, unnecessary information. (I have been hauled over the coals for this.)

Write tight, sparse, lean, stark, bare bones. Adjectives and adverbs are for people who need a crutch to support their unimaginative nouns and verbs. As far as possible, always seek the appropriate noun and verb.

(Read John Steinbeck’s field notes Journal of a Novel which he jotted down while he was writing East of Eden. He edited out as many adjectives and adverbs as possible, finding the appropriate noun or verb instead.)

And yet, in my rewrite I am horrified to find superfluous words, adjectives, adverbs and general waffling which I am getting rid of. I am embarrassed at my own work.

My vocabulary is poor, so I use Roget’s Thesaurus which is a treasure. A real work-horse and a delight to use. It’s a companion that provides thousands of alternative words. Appropriate nouns and verbs are there for the picking.

Don’t write your scenes. Live them. Experience them. Meditate. Daydream yourself into them Watch what is happening. Listen to what the characters are saying. Smell the sweat or the aroma or whatever. Touch what the characters are touching. What do you feel? Taste the bile, the coffee, or the skin of the lover.

All communication is made through our five senses. I wear earmuffs when I write, to help me leave this world, experience the emotions and the senses and disappear into another universe which is the scene I’m trying to paint.

Are we stirring the emotions of the reader? Feeling is critically important. This can be achieved through good dialogue. Speak your dialogue aloud to hear what it sounds like. Is it natural? Do people really speak like that? Is it too formal? In the real world, we often don’t speak complete sentences. So dialogue can be truncated too to make it more natural.

In my opinion a novel must generate its own momentum, so readers experience it rather than read it. This can be achieved by dreaming it, experiencing it, living it, rather than writing it.

To avoid clumsiness I edit out the past participle ‘had’. I change ‘he had done it’ to ‘he did it’ It seems to make the action more immediate and more relevant.

I also dump words ending in ‘-ly’……. seemingly, clearly, obviously. actually, strangely, finally, eventually………. and all the others. Somehow they weaken our writing and make it vague.

And I am finding that much of the dialogue reads better if the ‘he said, she said’ is deleted.

Taking words out of our sentences and taking sentences out of long narrative paragraphs, in my opinion, is the secret to better writing. I can easily cut my stuff between 20% and 50%.

I learnt this when a literary agent demanded I delete 40,000 words from my first novel of 120,000 words. I was shocked but I cut it back to 80,000 words and the novel was published.

Fig Tree has already shed 16,000 words and I am currently rewriting it for the fifth time, changing the dialogue, cutting the narrative and tightening the writing as much as possible. I might dump another 6,000 words.

You may be interested in The Video Inside Our Heads, which is part of a confession I made about my idiocies in attempting to write. See, ‘How I Wrote and Sold My First Novel’ in Forum’s Writing section. It’s quite insane and you’ll probably laugh at me but it did work and I suppose that’s what matters..

I trust this is better than a critique and provides a bit of food for thought..


Kind regards,



Pierre Van Rooyen.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree.

Jill,
Great idea, something I've thought a lot about before, probably goes with having a writer's imagination, but kudos to you for being the one to write it down into a delicious story. Natalie is a great butt-kicking hero, and I love the snappy patter and great lines. This is fun and I'm glad to have it on my shelf.
Well done!
Jeff

Hey Jill,

Firstly, I love the premise. The idea of escaping from life into fantasy, it's relevant and interesting. How many kids these days spend hours upon hours playing world of warcraft, how many adults do it? Because in that world they can be a hero, they can be important, they can be somebody. It's this sense of who we are in the world that people struggle to find, and I think your premise captures this idea.

Which means that underneath a fun adventure you actually have something interesting to say about the human condition.

I love the way this story starts. We jump right into the action, no messing around. The action is fine and some of the humour really got a smile on my face (though I can't laugh out loud because it's late and I'll get in trouble for waking Mrs. K!)

I was wondering throughout how come there was no one else in the cafeteria and how this whole situation would be explained to everyone else, then in the next chapter it becomes apparent that it was a day dream. I like that it was a day-dream and not just a dream that someone is waking from.

Natilie the slayer is feisty and funny, Natilie the real girl is endearing and sympathetic, it's a good balance.

As for negatives, there aren't really a whole lot. I did feel that this could do with some minor editing. I noticed a couple of sentences that could be fixed or refined.

Here are some notes I made, and hopefully these examples will help you polish up a good story.

"Natalie watched him with the smile round the corner." This could be reworded as - "Natalie watched him round the corner with a smile"

"happy to subjugate themselves as servants to his will" - I would cut "to his will" as this is implied

"choir of evil cheerleaders" - hilarious, made me crack up (quietly)

"Natalie didn't much like his attitude" - I think this bit can be cut - the dialogue that follows shows this

"Morach needed to give this guy a better dental plan" - brilliant, loved this line but maybe she can say it as dialogue rather than it being narrated?

"avoid being impaled times four" - I would cut "times four" here

"look like a side kick, act like a side kick, scream bloody murder like a..." My favourite line for sure.

Over all, I like the story, the characters, the themes and the style and therefore am shelving. I do feel it needs some minor edits though.

Best of luck,
V.

well as a psychotherapist i could have a field-day here, but i'll keep my reader's hat on for now. you write well and natalie is clearly going to be a character we want to identify with and we already want to kknow what happens to her.

i do wonder whether she isn't a bit old as the heroine for your target audience?

my second reservation is that there is a lot of very good fiction in this genre and i am not sure natalie has sufficient of the outstanding about her to forge ahead of the pack.

i think with a small amount of tweaking you could maybe really sell the uniqueness of natalie and her story with more zest.

well written and well done. i think because this is such a competitive field you are going to need to sharpen it up.

i hope this does well and i hope what i've said isn't too painful but is useful.
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

Hi Jill! Natalie is a good main character, and clearly she can support a book length story. Your first chapter starts well, but I had a problem with how stereotypical Brian was, even down to the threats and calling her "Young lady." I think to make what happens more effective, he has to be more nuanced, more subtle, like people are in real life. No one's so evil, are they? But your story, for me, really took off during the daydream episode. Very imaginative and well-written. I found the later chapters to be much more rounded, with a good balance of description and dialogue. But again, watch for characters that aren't full. Good luck with this work!

Michael
The Last Coming Out Story

Well, rather than put up with a sharp tongued abusive father:

“Why was everything she did never good enough? If she said ‘I’m sorry’ why couldn’t he just forgive her?
His voice threatened to rise.... do you care about any member of this family except for yourself?... Damn it, look at me when I’m talking to you!”... . Do you understand me, young lady? Or, God help me…”

Natalie has a wonderful way of dealing with it all:

“Natalie squeezed her eyes shut and screamed yes with all her might....Natalie herself changed. She lost her glasses and about sixty pounds as she grew taller. The hair that framed her face grew past her shoulders and shined a silky blond; not a single strand out of place. Her features were more petite with a small button nose and her eyes shone a radiant blue, a far cry from the muddy brown they were a moment ago. Her bland and mismatched clothes being replaced by hipper threads were the last remnants of her former self. With those gone, so were the memories of who she was moments earlier.”

Unfortunately it seems to be a case of out of the frying pan and into the fire. She finds herself elsewhere encircled by dark figures:

“Their eyes were black and their facial expressions varied from slack-jawed to unrepentant anger. They held no weapons. Their teeth were weapons enough and she, the damsel in distress, was the perfect size for a midnight snack. Yup, creepy, scary vampires;”

This then develops into an enjoyable fantasy tale, and although this is not my usual read, I have no doubt that this book will appeal hugely to its target audience. Well written and creative, it deserves a place on my shelf.

Hello Jill,

I don't know how I missed this. I thought I read and commented a while back, but I've just been through your comments page and no sign that I did. Sorry.

Anyway I think it's excellent. The scene between Natalie and her father is very realistic.

Only one small point - 'he wasn't a small man' you don't need this becuse your preceeding line indicates he is big.

On my WL. Got a full shelf at the moment, but this will go up when I have a shuffle.

Joanna

Hi Jill, I got caught into Natalie's hardcore father and then her fantasy with Morach. It was satisfying, like Walter Mitty, going to Chapter 2 and the high school "pack." The fantasy of Damien and Natalie being central in her fantasy contrasting with "Who would bother to follow you?" at the bus. I've put the book on my WL and want to read more to see how Natalie's interior ideas meld with what's around her - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Jill:

I really love the idea of a girl who takes refuge in the fantasy of what she'd like to be, as I imagine many teens must dream of becoming their chosen heroines. Naturally I felt for Natalie as soon as it became clear that she has low self esteem, and her father doesn't seem to be helping. I thought the fight scenes were done well, and the dialogue was witty. This story has great potential.

Jeanne

Isn’t this what could happen to writer’s? We get swept away by the worlds we create and they sometimes become more real to us than the real world.
The pages were dwarfed by his girth… GOOD visual!
Nice morph into the other world.

This is like Buffy meets Dream Warriors(that nightmare on elm street one years and years back…). Haha… what fun! I like your imagination.
Although, as I read on, are you sure that this is far enough away from Buffy not to be confused as a Joss Wheaton copy. It is FUN and I like the idea, but I am not sure how original it will come across. She gets into the world differently, true, but the little silly quips come off like Buffy. (“breed a smarter vampire”)

I like how you keep me interested though, nice kiss at the end chap 1!

Alright, this is just too good not to shelve. Just be careful. You don’t want to come off derivative.

Gina

Hello Jill

I'm sorry, but for me this is too derivative and I struggled to get to the end of CH1. However, I'll try to make constructive comments.

First paragraph. Overtaking is the how one car passes another; a thought would take over a mind.

Father character is nicely drawn. Dialogue is good - very good. Could you beef him up with a line or two of physical description?

Segue into the daydream/fantasy/parallel world builds up really well until the para that starts 'yup', which kills the mood. Undoes all the good work you'd done to that point. Can you find a word that keeps with the mood you've built up?

Morach's very cartoonish, but that may be what you want. But after the earlier build up of tension, it's a bit of a let-down. Can you find a scarier shape for him?

The post-escape dialogue felt really long. Over long. The pace had been pretty good until then - but everything slowed right down. Can you speed things up? Cut it down to key exchanges?

Do you really need to tell your readers that a medallion is a piece of circular metal? If they need telling, surely they'll be too stupid to read the words; if not, it's just patronising because you're not describing the damn thing.

Good hook at the end.

Sorry it didn't blow me away. Hope the notes are useful.

SW

I really like this book and think it has great potential in the marketplace.

Bravo for crafting such an enjoyable read!

BACKED:)

Cheers,
Ci

Wow Jill. Evocative emotions. Passionate gestures. Grueling battles. Sensuous battles. And a sencere heroine. This is like Harry Potter operating in society. I wondered what Hermione was going to do with herself.

hi jilly-soz i'm a little late.

i'm backing your ingenious and entertaining story.

nitpicks- buildup..........build-up....?

natalie (herself changed. She) lost............i don't think you need the words in brackets.

best of luck

Hello Jill,
I'm reading this from the YA group. I'm not entirely sure what young readers go for in this genre but I do know that if they are into ghouls, creepies and ofcourse vampires, they are going to love this. It's very clever to be able to slip seamlessly from one world to another as Natalie does. You write well and move the story along at exactly the right pace. You mix humour with horror and that makes it even better so I'm watchlisting this to go on my shelf. Best wishes, Margaret (Candles in the Garden)

Thanks for the feedback and for the shelf!

Hello Jill,
I'm reading this from the YA group. I'm not entirely sure what young readers go for in this genre but I do know that if they are into ghouls, creepies and ofcourse vampires, they are going to love this. It's very clever to be able to slip seamlessly from one world to another as Natalie does. You write well and move the story along at exactly the right pace. You mix humour with horror and that makes it even better so I'm watchlisting this to go on my shelf. Best wishes, Margaret (Candles in the Garden)

Hi Jill. I'm so sorry it's taken me this long to get here for our read-swap! I've been really busy but I finally made it.
There is much to like about this. I can really identify with Natalie and how she uses her dreams to escape her bullying father. I also like the contrast between her nervousness and fear in the 'real' world and her superhero status in her 'dream'.
Mostly the writing flows well and the dialogue is believable, but you do have a few POV issues to deal with. The first comes in the first part, where you have 'the young girl couldn't help it.' We've been firmly in Natalie's head and she wouldn't think of herself like this. Just 'She couldn't help it' would fix that one.
Then the scene where she changes. This could really be powered up by having Natalie see herself change. This has to happen otherwise she can't possibly know that her eyes have change color, for instance. If you tell it from her viewpoint, have her FEEL the changes and see them reflected in something, you'll really add bite to this great scene.
Ditto when she fights the vampires. She wouldn't think of herself as 'the slayer', and slips like this interrupt the flow of the fight.
I noticed a few other points you might want to consider:
'her face was the mask of calm... 'a' mask?
'so strong, Natalie could barely breathe... no comma after strong.
girth and massive bald head. He wasn't a small man...no kidding? You don't need the last bit, it's repetition.
vigilant of her words...this sounds a bit awkward. Careful of her words? of what she said?
you start to act like it...started acting like it?
Shined....sorry but I hate this US made-up word! What's wrong with 'shone'? And you even use it yourself in 'shone a radiant blue! At least be consistent.
midnight snack...then you say the vampires are in daylight.
When Natalie becomes the vampire hunter, the change is too abrupt for the reader. We need some form of explanation that she's now taken on another persona.
but was anything but.. but 'he' was?
He was and he always wore colorful clothes...this sentence doesn't make sense.
Stationary...I think you mean 'stationery'.
driving her shoulders into their chest...chests?
soloes of her feet into the dirt, and hit them...'she' hit them?
Someone really needs to breed...who says this? If it's Morach then it doesn't sound right.
Behind her...she heard..a latecomer. From the scowl he wore... who wore? If it's the latecomer, how can she see the scowl behind her?
side of pop? Sorry, I didn't understand this.
Pulling the stake free... As she pulled?
blood oozed in a fountain splash....oozing blood cannot 'fountain'.
Personally, I would end ch 1 at 'this one was not.'
Hope these comments help, Jill. I think once you tighten things up a bit, this will be a great story.
I'd be very grateful for your thoughts on KING'S ENVOY.
All ther best,
Cas.
(KING'S ENVOY)

I think your dialogue is good and moves the plot forward nicely. I'm not that keen on vampires so I cannot be a good judge of that angle. I noticed you used your character's name in most sentences, personally I'd alternate with she to avoid repetition. Good luck with it.

Hi Jill,

I am just so pleased you picked my suspense book to swap reads with. I've got my lunch here and sat down to read but only got to the dream part. The first part was good; I like Natalie--pull for her because she is an underdog, and I love
underdogs. I'm just not qualified though to comment on the vampire part.

Thanks for thinking of me.

Debbie





Hi Jill,

I am just so thrilled you picked my suspense book to swap reads with. I got my lunch here and sat down to read but only got to the dream part. The first part was good; I like Natalie--pull for her because she is an underdog, and I love
underdogs. I'm just not qualified though to comment on the vampire part.

Thanks for thinking of me.

Debbie

Dream Slayer

Hi Jill, Can't work out why this has one of those little red triangles sitting next to it, it's great stuff. The lonely, sympathetic and bullied heroine escaping into her dreams where she becomes a Buffy the Vampire slayer with attitude. Many young adults will love this kind of thing. The writing delivers the action well, although, I know you had serious fun in the fight scene, but I think it possibly went on a bit too long as I lost the thread of some of the action. Perhaps have just a few less moves there, but I had a wonderful sense of you completely enjoying the scene. Morach is great as a villan, but nowhere near as scary as her Dad.

I liked this a lot, fast-paced, full of the imagery modern youth would love and it also manages not to take itself too seriously, a laconic lilt to the vampire scene that will play well with our more sophisticated young people today. This is pure escapism and it works brilliantly at that level. There is the dark grittiness of her father's inability to talk to her as well, why is it that so many parents don't know how to talk to children?

I will be backing this shortly, just need to make shelf space and then it can be rising up the charts again, which is deserves to. As we are writing in the same genre I would very much appreciate your views on my effort - SL. One last thought, I wonder if the story would flow even more powerfully if we are much more close in to Natalie's POV, the shift from the living room to the forest is really slickly done, but if we were closer in to her POV I think it might be even better.

Best wishes and best of luck - Andrew W.

Hi Jill,

I like this a lot. I'm sorry I only had time for three chapters. The premise is excellent. I love the switches between reality and the dreamworld. And the complete changes of the characters. All really great. I am very interested to see how things turn out for Nat. I'd love to come back when I have more time and read more. What an adventure this story is -- I'm already wrapped up in both of Nat's worlds after only 3 chapters. Shelved of course.

-Niki

hi jill
I've been enjoying Dream Slayer.. great stuff!
I found all the real life scenes very realistic and well thought out. Her parents, excellent, etc.
One thing I'd suggest would be to add concrete details here and there. the colour and consistency of the bottles, the glint of the light, the smell of the demon etc etc Easy for you and it makes a bigger difference than you think. Also you could have fun linking such details to her state of mind as she develops.
This novel at least is obviously worthwhile and enjoyable.
All the best/............. Mike

I can understand very well the idea of losing yourself in your imagination rather than being stuck in reality. Dreaming herself as a more attractive, confident person with a important role in life. Lots of teenagers would relate to that. Your initial dream scene was fast-moving and fun. I enjoyed the banter between Natalie and Morach, and between Natalie and Damien.

I think you need to tighten up the POV here, just a little bit. The only reason I say this is that I get the impression that everything is supposed to be seen from Natalie’s viewpoint, rather than that of her father or any of her dream characters. She’s the most important character and she’s the one you’re following. But just occasionally, you slip out of it. For instance, ‘her soft brown eyes wide with disbelief’, ‘the young girl couldn’t help it’. I think this is a story that would really benefit from being inside the main character’s head, seeing everything from her point of view. That way it would be more vivid and emotionally stronger.

I’m also not exactly sure how the daydreams work. You say that when Natalie becomes her dream self, she has no memory of what happened moments before. The ‘other Natalie’ has no idea she’s just a dream. So is she ‘really’ Natalie (i.e. is it Natalie looking out through her eyes) or not? What I’m getting at is that maybe it would make more sense if Natalie is always aware of both her personas, but in the dream world her ‘real’ persona just ceases to matter. As though that’s the dream and the ‘slayer’ persona is reality. But that’s only a thought. I’m sure you have your reasons for the way you’ve set it up – you know your own story much better than I do – and the only reason I mentioned it is because the transition felt slightly odd when I was reading it.

Chapters 2 and 3 flowed more smoothly for me. The bullying and the exchanges of words between Natalie, Tristan, Michelle and Sarah all seemed true to life. I also liked the alternative version that Natalie dreams up in Chapter 3, and the chilling end to that chapter with the message written on her notebook. In Chapter 3 the dream felt more natural to me, I guess because Natalie was just sitting there daydreaming – it’s slipping into a dream in the middle of being yelled at by her father that I found hard to grasp.

Anyway, I think you’ve got a good concept here and one that could be very popular with your target audience. I wish you luck with it, and apologise for my somewhat rambling comments :-)

This is very well written and i can see this doing really well in a YA group. So with that being said I took some notes as I was reading your first chapter. I hope that they are of some use to you. If they don't make sense, toss 'em. I won't be offended. THis is after all your story. And you and only you can tell it.

This is good. And it has a lot of wonderful dialogue and just spellbinding descriptions. So you had me from the get-go. I am shelving this.

Best of luck!

Rachel May


The beginning is really strong. But I think that if you add a sound, like a crash to let the reader know that a dish has been broken or something. Maybe elude to broken china on the floor or something to give me a clue. This is easily fixed I think. And only needs a little tweaking. But right off the bat I’m in this story.

Your sentence…”…but it was an accident. I didn’t mean to drop them and I don’t like being made to feel like a criminal.” Okay, I’d reword this slightly. I think if you break up the thoughts more you’ll get more of the angst within her at breaking the dishes and being blamed by her father. “…but it was an accident.” I didn’t do it on purpose!” Under my breath I muttered, “I’m not a criminal or something.” Exasperated, he snorted. … See what I mean there? Does that make sense?

I don’t understand the sentence: Help me, your mother. So maybe you need some explanation or rewording. Is the father saying: So help me. Ugggh, your mother. Or is he meaning it in a different way. Like the mother needs help? See how I got confused?

I love the part where the living room changes and Natalie herself changes. Brilliantly done. Extremely evocative.

The part about the vampires. And the line where you say: Their teeth were weapons enough. I think end the sentence there. It’s more powerful that way. Then start the next sentence to read…And she was the perfect size for a midnight snack. You don’t need the damsel in distress part.

Laughed out loud at “I didn’t realize it was a democracy.”

Damien and Natalie…their dialogue is great. Laughed again at “Unless you count how he eats tacos.”

Then we go back at the end to where we were in the beginning with Brian shaking her. I think if you add a couple spaces between “didn’t want the kisses to end” and the “god damnit” that it might transition better to reality. Like divide up what’s made up in her head by two spaces throughout to make it somewhat clearer to your reader about where the transitions of reality and dream world are. Does that make sense?

Hey Jill,

As you probably guessed from my earlier backing, I think this is wonderful! I was only able to read the first two chapters, but you got me hooked, and I'd love to come back and read more once I win the never-ending battle with my WL (which I plan to do some day soon). Here are a few comments I jotted down while reading -

Chapter One

~ The beginning didn't start to grab me until about the 9th paragraph (which is something I always struggle with in my own work). As a thought - maybe if you started with the line, "What are we going to do with you?" and reworked the opening around it. I think it would make it a much stronger lead in.

~ I admit I had some moments that I pictured Joss Whedon's people reading this and wanting to *stake* their claim (ouch, sorry!), but once I shook the Buffy preconceptions from my brain, I really enjoyed the Slayer scene.

Chapter Two

~ Yay - the hero of the day is Tristan! I'll be sure to mention that to my eleven year old son (named - yep, you guessed it!).

~ I thought the last couple of sentences didn't need to be there, and you could end on a stronger note (in my humble opinion) if you ended with the doodling triggering a daydream (like, "... began to doodle as her mind drifted away." or something to that effect).

Good luck!

~Traci

When I read your pitch, I thought this was just going to be either about a girl's sleeping dreams, or just her sitting down and daydreaming. But as I was reading the first chapter, I totally flipped when she escaped her father's clutch into the dreamworld. I think this was awesome.

I enjoyed the fight in the dream sequence, which you had described very well, not just visually, but also the sounds and the smells. This first chapter was very good, and I will come back to read more. Backed.

Hi Jill!

I do like your story. Natalie is a strong character and the converging fantasy and real life an interesting plot arc. It’s worth some time on my shelf.

One thing which does concern me about your novel is the strong similarity in terms and characters with the Buffy TV series. You have a vampire slayer, a custodian, a half-demon sidekick (similar to Angel in a way). And then you also take bits from other stories, such as the kryptonite and the ‘water loving aliens’. It all seems a bit too cliché.

A second issue. In the third chapter, we see that in her fantasies Michelle is her friend. This didn’t seem natural to me. If she’s being bullied by Michelle in real life, and detests her, calling her an ‘evil twin’, then why would she fantasise about being her best gf in her day dreaming.

Here are some notes I took as I read:-

Chapter One

‘Here they went again’ doesn’t sound quite right. Maybe put into italics and write, ‘Here we go again’.

…as they tried to snare her with THEIR claws. Extending her arm, she….

Chapter Two

Instinctually? Did you mean, ‘instinctively’? Instinctively, she ran again. It was crazy, but…

‘She moved with her head down toward for the entrance’ – cut ‘for’

Chapter Three

Great page turning hook at the end of chapter three!

I hope this helps!

Best wishes,
Chris :-)

Hey Gilly,
as you might remember from mine, I love the reality/dream thing and you have an original take on it here with a likeable and ineteresting mc in Nathalie. This is fun to read and I can see it doing really well. So, shelved it is!
Cheers,
Simon

Hey Jill,

Three chapters in and I can tell that this has potential. It still needs work (typos and akward phrasing) but its cute and sassy and, as you've planned, full of teenage-drama. Keep working on it and it can shine.

MAP

Hey good story, some minor grammatical points that need fixing like the use of commas - but I'm a fine one to talk my own work is full of them! In my opinion it doens't distract from what is a new take on the genre and I find the way you write to be enagaging and well thought out.

Jill,

You indicated that you'd like to exchange reads, so I stopped by and took a gander at Dream Slayer. I stopped after chapter 1, but wanted to give my some of my thoughts. As always, my advice is probably only worth what you paid for it, so match it up against the other feedback you receive :)

Chapter 1 is very reminiscent of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Young heroin, older, brooding love interest and offbeat, humorous dialouge. I admire your attempt to incorporate humor into the dialouge, but am not sure you've quite got it where it needs to be yet. Possibly you're overdoing it and trying to put too many funnies into too small of a space.

In the pitch there was a couple of spots that you may want to go back and polish a bit more.

Her life in mortal danger, she begins to suspect her dreams are more powerful that she realized; something out there is afraid of her. --I understand why you said that her dreams are more powerful than she realized-because there is something else out there that is scared of her, but upon first read it seems self evident that her dreams are powerful as they've just killed someone. You may want to see what you can do with this. Maybe

There Natalie is witty, self confident –Also a little awkward to start with there (in her dreams) when it's a new paragraph.

I think you've got a strong few opening paragraphs. I'd say your characterization there at the start is done quite well. I came away with some good ideas of who your protagonist is.
Natalie sat in an old green armchair across from her father, Brian Johnson, like he ordered. --Comes across a bit awkward. The last part mostly. Maybe something like ...As ordered, Natalie was sitting in the old green armchair across from her father, Brian Johnson.....

The next two sentences could be tightened up as well. Hands folded, back rigid, she patiently waited for him to address her.

I vote we kill her by pulling her limbs free and use them to bash... ---should be using them to bash in...keeps your tenses the same.

as they tried to snare her with her claws --- snare her with their claws

Pulling the stake free, it dripped a trail of black blood. -- you don't explicitly say who's pulling the stake free. When you say it dripped a trail of black blood, it almost makes it sound like the stake pulled itself free, or at least that is one way it could be read.

, but Natalie move out of the way with grace. --I would think you'd be better off saying that she moved gracefully out of the way. Or that she gracefully dodged his efforts.

I hope this helps, and would appreciate any feedback you'd care to give on my story-I'm still trying to find the magic formula that will get it published :)

Dean

This is good.
I'm enjoying the read which has a nice flow and a good pace.
I like how Natalie's character changes, literally from one extreme to another.
A very interesting idea to develop, makes for exciting reading ;-)
Up on my shelf.
Best wishes,
Annabelle
.

That book is sooo cool,
I love the new idea of making Natalia escape to her dreams and trully thinks its her real life. I do that alot but I don't believe its true ;).
I like the way you write it as well, very vived.

Shelved :D
Kimmy

This is a nice setup. Unpopular girl with an abusive father daydreams about being a Vampire Slayer. I'm a big Buffy/Angel fan and I'm guessing you are too. The daydream sequences are a lot of fun and the real life sequences set them up well.

Suggestions for improvements? I'm a compulsive line-editor and I noticed a few places where I would change a word or two, but this probably isn't the place for pointing out the specifics. If you are interested in suggestions I can point out a few via private messages. There wasn't anything that stopped me in my tracks or made me want to stop reading.

I read the first three chapters and was somewhat reluctant to stop there, but I promised myself I would get to the rest of my watch list tonight. Thanks for the read.

Jilly

I'm now up to Chapter 10 so I thought that I'd give you some feedback. Nitpicks and good stuff, Okay?

Nitpicks. At times it felt as though there are two different books here. I know the dream sequences take us to another world, but I found your writing changed too. Your action/fight scenes are excellent, great descriptions, fast paced and atmospheric. You also describe Brian and his real relationship with his family very well; his anger for his lost son, abusive nature, the works. Yet the other book is like a screenplay for Buffy. If the parody is deliberate and ironic, then it works. If not, then there are too many similar characters for me Buffy/Natalie, Cordelia/Michelle, Zander/Tristan and Charles the Watcher. Having said that, I couldn't put it down, so who am I to nitpick?

Good Stuff. As I have said, your descriptions are great, action scenes leap out of the page. I loved the Sarah scene in the Magic Bean, very emotive. I continued reading to Chapter 10 and would have gone on, but for time constraints. I have to go on a plane journey later today and this is the sort of book I would like to have in my pocket to enjoy.

Great job. Shelved.

Cheers

Rayo

I think this needs some serious hacking. You've got some good ideas in there, but if you remove all repetitions, and every word that can be taken out without losing the sense, it'll read much better. A lot of the complex sentences could become two simple sentences, or even stay as they are with a comma instead of a conjunction. It hurts to do it, but we all go through it. 'Their lips met and their arms wrapped round each other' would read better without the 'and'. Can you think of something more graphic instead of 'their arms wrapped round each other'?

Have a look at 'Heir of Ages'.

Jill,
Have read the first 2 chpaters here - so that you know what I'm basing my comments on.
Lots of effective description in first scene with father - 'N. saw her future when she looked at him.' / 'Her voice was soft... but inside she felt the build up of rage...' / 'Shoulders inched up around her neck.'
Two wee suggestions here - 'He wasn't a small man.'is TELL 'dwarfed by..' is SHOW. - We don't need the first phrase and the 2nd is more effective anyway. / 'The young girl' - this distances us - we are in Natalie's head here, just say 'she'.
At present I feel the transition into the daydream is awkward - I have a suggestion (Which you may or may not like) - When Natalie looks up at her father why not have his face morph into Morach's - this would give the additional 'layer' to the story - relating her father and her fantasy Morach.
Other phrases I found effective - 'In fact nothing in Meadow's Creek...' / 'N. was embarrassed about her weight but long ago gave up trying...' _ so true of many overweight kids. / 'Somehow that would end up her fault too.'
We get a clear sense of Natalie and the tricky family dynamics and I liked the fact that she would think od Tristan as handsome if she hadn't known him all her life. (And the way he said that the girls were jealous of her being friends with him - Totally true, yet it doesn't make him seem smug.)
'Every school needed an over-achiever.' - great description of Michelle.
A wee inconsistency - Meadow's Creek can't be a city, if everythings within 5 mins. Also rep of what Monte's World is like - not needed.
One other general point - it would be worthwhile to go through looking for words phrases that aren't really needed - eg '...rabbit hole (if she would fit through) / '(unfortunately for both of them....at all) that whole section doesn't add anything. / '...all houses looked the same (with garages extended forwards)'
BTW I loved the idea of the shadows without the men - great stuff.
I hope that I've given you some useful comments here,
Good luck with this,
Margaret