The Akashic Records

Wow, this is an imaginative and compelling read. It moves along at a good pace and if I had more time I would read to the end. I could see this as a movie. Your descriptions of people are particularly good. If I were to change anything it would be the bit with the baby moving out of his cot and being so athletic. It may be more creepy if he retained more of a babyish movement, or even if his cot was placed with a view of the road and he did it all from his cot. But as I say, a very compelling read, already backed with pleasure. Sarah

Hi Elijah
ah, thanks for the comments and the positive vibe! I will probably read your work first! Planning to set aside lots of time now to catch up with the lost time!

Hi Maria,

Your title drew me like electric, for I have read many verdic literatures on the subject matter, Akashic Records. My flair in reading such on transcendental knowledge is insatiable. Maria, this is a great story, a fun and lively read. Nice characterisation. Your writing is very fluid and aesy to get into, very believable. You have a great ambition and potential to make it big with this. The onions of your description is fantastic and enjoyable. Wish you all the best.

Hi Maria,

Your title drew me like electric, for I have read many verdic literatures on the subject matter, Akashic Records. My flair in reading such on transcendental knowledge is insatiable. Maria, this is a great story, a fun and lively read. Nice characterisation. Your writing is very fluid and aesy to get into, very believable. You have a great ambition and potential to make it big with this. The onions of your description is fantastic and enjoyable. Wish you all the best.

I'm not sure if you are still 'out there' but if so, I have to say I liked your tale a lot and wish it well...on my watchlist!
Stewart

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Just in case anyone happens to read this!

Testing commenting on my own book to see if this site sends me an email alert if I get a comment or backing, or has that gone to pot along with my ability to log it and read / comment on others' work? I have re-registered as akashicmaria and have not added anything by way of profile or book so may have to re-upload everything under the new registration.
akashicmaria!

Maria,

I have no idea why this isn't higher up in the ranks - compelling doesn't cover it!

I was very drawn to the premise of this when I first read the pitch, and rightly so! You have the makings of a superb paranormal thriller here. I'm LOVING Sarton...so deliciously evil! This would make such an amazing film. You handle really big issues with such style, this has a stellar pace and hooks the reader at the end of each chapter so we MUST continue :) I like that it doesn't take ages to get into the thick of things, a really gripping start. A book with much promise that NEEDS more readers - I'll recommend it to a few people for you!

Giving it a spin on my shelf to improve your rank!
Glad I found this.
Melanie x

Very scary and entertaining. Shelved.
The murdering baby is amazing,
and Kerry's battle to be believed is excellently done.
This is 'unputdownable' if it were a book.
Suggestions.
I would put at least part of it in the 1st person.
Maybe concentrate a little more on her emotions,
maybe soneone in love would believe her, maybe you do that.
Don't forget to insist on occasional minute details make it totally real.
loads and loads of luck with this!..........cheers.....................Mikey

Hello Maria,

You had me going even before I could settle down.My original intention was to back your book today and read it later. But then I started reading it and got hookedt It is well-written, reads smoothly and has a compelling and suspenseful plot. I am convinced by the three chapters read so far that this is a book with lots of potential. to make it to the top. Rightly backed.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Dear Maria,
Originally, I was going to suggest a snappier opening. But given what's coming, the peaceful picture of the mother gently laying the sweet babe in the cot is dead on.
Great! His vaulting over the crib, "the chubby feet landing soundlessly …" Marvelous line, scanning the street, checking out cars "as if they were toys on his bedroom floor"
And then you pull the punch. He's a demon child. How grand. (Also smart that you don't tell us his name. Leaving the discovery up for grabs for later.

My first reaction to the alien abduction chapter was that it was a joke. It seemed so stereotypic, I was expecting that the woman was the butt of a practical joke. Perhaps putting in more tangible details?

Suggest that you don't use Sarton's last name until the end of Ch 3. (And that it should be spelled the same way as the mother's in the prologue.) We figure it's the baby, but that would be an added joy, the payoff as it were.
This looks to be one heck of a rollercoaster ride. Shelved.

Hi Maria,
I'm going to shelve this because I think you have ambition - Sarton is a pretty big villain, and so Kerry has quite a job on her hands! I liked the arresting images - the baby, the silver aliens and the sensory nature of your writing. I could feel that JD going down. I think the first bit of the 1st chapter with Kerry was a bit twee - birds singing, etc. I would try to make that more realistic. She'd be tired, she'd have things on her mind, she'd be totally taken by surprise by something jutting into her thoughts, rather than being a character waiting for something to happen as she is at the moment. Just a thought.
Good luck.
Tricia

This is a fun, creative story. Your writing is very fluid and easy to get into. Kerry is very believable and likeable. I'm shelving this now and plan to read more when I have more time.

Heidi
Turning Red

Ooh, that scary baby will give me nightmares! A fun, lively read. Some nice characterisation (that Tora is a bit infuriating!) and some good ideas. Your pitch contains some interesting ideas and it should be interesting to see how they develop as the book progresses. Kerry is going to have a lot on plate by the sounds of the pitch, but she is an engaging lead character and readers will enjoy following her adventures. Shelved.

Hi Maria! You have a compelling premise for your book and I found it a quick read, not only because of how short the chapters are. Your writing style makes it easy to read along and it keeps the reader's interest. Well done! And what a read! UFO's. Super babies. Crashing airplanes. I have a few suggestions. In the first chapter, perhaps you can show that the baby can count, etc., rather than tell the reader. Actually, I don't think you even need to do that given the rest of the chapter. What the baby does will shock the reader more by just showing it. Also, you have many characters in the first chapters, yet we don't get to know them much. I'm not saying that we should know their life story, but give us some details that will flesh them out and make them human to the reader, so that when what happens happens, we are invested in them. Just a suggestion. Oh, a little type. C'est impossible noes need a capital i. See? Minor. :) Good luck with your book.

Michael
The Last Coming Out Story

This is a great story. That baby in the prologue takes the biscuit! Very silly to play with lorries like that. And Kerry's such a well-drawn protagonist. The pace of this doesn't slip for a second, and you've really got the show not tell thing off to a T. It's quite interesting to see the Devil playing an important role in a novel again - he's been a bit out of vogue since the seventies, his place taken by malevolent beings of a different order: psychopaths, evil wizards, serial killers. It's nice to see him making a comeback. It's about time.

Although it isn't nice, not at all, and your novel points up why expertly. Bookshelved.

Hello, Maria - I think we agreed to do a read-swap, but my brain is frazzled from this site at the moment... Lovely to meet you, either way. This was an interesting read. In a good way. First chpt was a mixture of charm and sinister creepiness: Mary Poppins meets 'The Omen'. Here are my random thoughts:

- a few phrases could do with hyphens, I think: "God[-]given" / "perfectly[-]formed" / "petal[-]soft" (this last is lovely piece of imagery, btw; nicely done, m'dear);
- "Brah[a]m's Lullaby": I think you need to delete th 'a', if you mean the composer, which I *think* you do. I may have missed something, though. Apologies if so;
- yes, as noted, a very sinister end to chpt 1 - how one small child can clap its hands in glee at causing such carnage *shudders*. Chilling, Maria, chilling;
- prologue is a good length, I thought. Not too long;
- "er... hello": love it. Great way to greet aliens. She must have some English blood in her;
- again, great imagery with the scanning mist. All good stuff;
- "Sarton Darville" in chpt 3: great name. Is it just me, or would 'Sarton Darville - Disciple of the Devil' look great on a business card?

A nice little read, Maria, and happy to give it a moment on the old shelf. Look forward to your thoughts on 'Pistols'. If you could drop by before the end of the month, I'd be eternally grateful. Best of luck with 'The Akashic Records' - sestius

Hi Maria

Just had a chance to read your book.

What a compelling opening...demonic baby causing chaos in the streets......a bit more enrgetic than my fly watching journalist.

Strange jump from this to being abducted by aliens. But i am sure that it will all come out in the wash.

Added to my shelf as i am intrigued as to what happens next.

Much appreciated
ED Quinn (Donkeys kill more people)

Maria
This is the other end of the spirituality spectrum to my writing, which juxtaposes spiritual phenomena with the every day rather than sci-fi and fantasy. You've got a great idea for a plot here, and the notion of someone stealing images and words is both sinister in a traditional sense, but also dastardly in perhaps a more comic sense. I don't imagine that's quite what you intended, but there is a kind of humour within your writing and characterisation (which reflects the twinkle in your eye!) which makes this very readable but also perhaps diffuses the intended darker element in your story?
The duality in your protagonists is well thought out, and I really like the use of the etheric concept as a plot device - it's clever and will, I'm guessing, serve the plot very well (I've read up to ch8 so don't know how it all ends!). I just wonder whether you need to bring the sci-fi quality in to the opening chapter just a bit sooner, so that the image of a baby leaping out of its cot isn't quite as startling. Maybe in the line before he gets up, give us something else that is strange about him, the way he watches the mobile or something, just to ease us in. The same thing happens in ch2 when the UFO arrives - it seems such an extraordinary juxtaposition - perhaps give us something of Kerry's thoughts on her research, just to ease us in to its arrival so we see why she isn't really that surprised?

This will get a shelving on my rotations this week - good luck!

Kathrin (Crash Cole)

Well, you have me, Maria! Gonna lie down with a cold lager and the rest of this. Such an atmosphere, and you manage to waft it all over you pages so early. A huge achievement, I reckon. Spooky and edgy too, which is exactly what I need when I read. Edge of my seat (Deep ed sofa, actually) at times. Love that.

You're gonna write more, right? Tell me you are, Marai, 'cos you are so good. A writer, indeed. Popping off to Borders (Oxford Street), first thing tomorrow (Monday) to order my copy.

James

Well, this is all very interesting, a great premise here. You clearly have an imagination! There's a real atmosphere to this book, it's pacy and gripping. You write well, I can't see anythng at all to nit-pick really. You introduce your chaacters so the reader feels they know them but you don't bog us down with details - your MC is well drawn and likeable, and I am rooting for her as I learn just what she is up against. Great stuff and on my revolving shelf!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Holey moley, devil babies, alien abductions and then the bay grown into the fully fledged son of Satan. This has got it all. I'd have loved to see more of Santon as a child although perhaps we can have that in a sequel. This is great stuff, right down to his deliciously sinister name.

Maria,

Oooh, creepy first chapter. Gave me shivers. Chapter two is entertaining. You develop the characters very quickly and the pacing is excellent. No dawdling at all.

I did notice quite a few grammatical errors in chapter two, so you might want to take a look at it again through that lense. For instance, you write "the air around had her cooled". Should be "the air around her had cooled" and a few other mistakes.

Other than that, it was entertaining. On my shelf.

ML

Wow, Maria! There really isn't any other word for it. Shades of Damian (Omen) in the prologue, alien abduction as it ought to be in the first chapter and a devious, devilish swine of a demon in ch 2!
All this and nearly flawlessly polished writing - what more could a reader desire?
I did see two slight nit-picks:
in the prologue, shouldn't 'feigning asleep' be 'feigning sleep'?
and in ch 1, should the 'glowering green light' be simply 'glowing'?
Apart from that, this is masterful. And it's going on my shelf.
Great stuff!
All the best,
Cas.

Hi Maria.

I read your first three chapters and was amazed with your swift movements. You manage to fully portray even minor characters with no words wasted. You cover several subplots, all of which are equally developed and suspenseful. Great James Bond villian. Conniving and manipulative, yet handsome and debonair. Oh yes, excellent first chapter too. Each covered a separate area yet each had an equally strong hook.

On my shelf for sure. Warmest regards. Janet Marie

Hi Pierre

many thanks indeed for your commnts (which are the ones I had actually mentioned before!) but very useful indeed, and thanks of course for the backing, most unexpected! I got sidetracked yesterday with AC problems and a flooding bathroom, so didn't get to do any reading! Hope to get to it tonight!
best regards
Maria

Dear Maria,


I have read your pitch, synopsis, first two chapters and have placed The Akashic Records on my bookshelf.

In my opinion, you might tighten your writing considerably by taking words out of sentences and even unnecessary sentences out of paragraphs. It is something I do all the time. Some people just call it editing. It might be likened to pruning a fruit tree to get the light to the blossoms.

In writing, it would be removing superfluous stuff to expose the key statements. I would also write with a minimum of adjectives and adverbs and keep the writing as simple as possible.

Over the past five months I have spent three hundred hours providing page-long critiques but can no longer keep up with the volume. Also, three in ten writers whom I critique, resent me suggesting any kind of rewrite and punish me by not reciprocating the swap-read.

So I’m trying another way of passing on information.

I will attempt to do better than critique your work by indicating how you might judge it yourself. Rather along the lines of give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, feed him for life. You may or may not agree with everything and I admit I do not always stick to these thoughts either.

What I have set out below are guide-lines based on what I myself have learnt from being published.

The pitch is critically important as among the book-lists which editors scan, your pitch stands alone with no support from the synopsis. I write the synopsis first, because a key sentence there is usually appropriate for the pitch.

A synopsis is not a dust-jacket advertisement. Aimed at a professional editor, it is a no-nonsense summary of what happens in the novel, including how the novel ends. Don’t leave the editor dangling and don’t ask her questions. Tell her.

Somerset Maugham said, ‘There are three rules for writing a successful novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.’

Correct. There are no rules for creativity. Think of Richard Bach’s Jonathon Livingstone Seagull. So way out, so creative it was rejected over a hundred times. Then it became a best seller.

There is one criterion though……. entertainment. Our writing must entertain from the very first sentence. There is no other reason for story-telling whether around a camp fire or in print..

I have struggled nine years to write three novels. Each written three times. One published, one lying fallow, Fig Tree currently in the process of being rewritten for the fifth time. Two literary agents requested the full manuscript but threw it back at me for narrative story telling. So I am rewriting, converting narrative to dialogue.

Based on what has happened to me, these are my thoughts on what editors want from us…………….


Plunge directly into the story. Do not set the scene or back-story first. When we go to a play and the curtain rises, we don’t see stage hands putting the props in place. The stage is already set. Likewise our opening paragraphs to the reader, the actors should immediately get on with it.

I have found that our opening chapter isn’t necessarily the first one we write. It might only occur to us when the novel is completed.

Let our characters drive the story-telling via dialogue, interplay and direct action. It’s stupid (although I am guilty of this) to have a stage set and silent characters frozen, while an off-stage narrator bores the audience with what is supposed to be happening on the stage.

Write minimal words because research shows that our readers’ brains race ahead of our words, visualizing the scene themselves, anticipating how our sentences end…… four times faster than they are reading. They become bored and frustrated by our overwriting, over description, unnecessary information. (I have been hauled over the coals for this.)

Write tight, sparse, lean, stark, bare bones. Adjectives and adverbs are for people who need a crutch to support their unimaginative nouns and verbs. As far as possible, always seek the appropriate noun and verb.

(Read John Steinbeck’s field notes Journal of a Novel which he jotted down while he was writing East of Eden. He edited out as many adjectives and adverbs as possible, finding the appropriate noun or verb instead.)

And yet, in my rewrite I am horrified to find superfluous words, adjectives, adverbs and general waffling which I am getting rid of. I am embarrassed at my own work.

My vocabulary is poor, so I use Roget’s Thesaurus which is a treasure. A real work-horse and a delight to use. It’s a companion that provides thousands of alternative words. Appropriate nouns and verbs are there for the picking.

Don’t write your scenes. Live them. Experience them. Meditate. Daydream yourself into them Watch what is happening. Listen to what the characters are saying. Smell the sweat or the aroma or whatever. Touch what the characters are touching. What do you feel? Taste the bile, the coffee, or the skin of the lover.

All communication is made through our five senses. I wear earmuffs when I write, to help me leave this world, experience the emotions and the senses and disappear into another universe which is the scene I’m trying to paint.

Are we stirring the emotions of the reader? Feeling is critically important. This can be achieved through good dialogue. Speak your dialogue aloud to hear what it sounds like. Is it natural? Do people really speak like that? Is it too formal? In the real world, we often don’t speak complete sentences. So dialogue can be truncated too to make it more natural.

In my opinion a novel must generate its own momentum, so readers experience it rather than read it. This can be achieved by dreaming it, experiencing it, living it, rather than writing it.

To avoid clumsiness I edit out the past participle ‘had’. I change ‘he had done it’ to ‘he did it’ It seems to make the action more immediate and more relevant.

I also dump words ending in ‘-ly’……. seemingly, clearly, obviously. actually, strangely, finally, eventually………. and all the others. Somehow they weaken our writing and make it vague.

And I am finding that much of the dialogue reads better if the ‘he said, she said’ is deleted.

Taking words out of our sentences and taking sentences out of long narrative paragraphs, in my opinion, is the secret to better writing. I can easily cut my stuff between 20% and 50%.

I learnt this when a literary agent demanded I delete 40,000 words from my first novel of 120,000 words. I was shocked but I cut it back to 80,000 words and the novel was published.

Fig Tree has already shed 16,000 words and I am currently rewriting it for the fifth time, changing the dialogue, cutting the narrative and tightening the writing as much as possible. I might dump another 6,000 words.

You may be interested in The Video Inside Our Heads, which is part of a confession I made about my idiocies in attempting to write. See, ‘How I Wrote and Sold My First Novel’ in Forum’s Writing section. It’s quite insane and you’ll probably laugh at me but it did work and I suppose that’s what matters..

I trust this is better than a critique and provides a bit of food for thought..


Kind regards,



Pierre.

Off to a great start--the baby on the ledge and his hobby. Last sentence of chapter one should read ‘feigning sleep’ rather than ‘feigning asleep’. The small opening chapter immediately pulled me into the story, though--so I wouldn't change anything else.

And from that unusual (if not unheard of) start--a UFO! Cool! And an alien abduction--even better. There is nothing they require that I do not possess (chapter 3)-- ‘admire’ might be a better fit than ‘require’--since Sarton speaks of admirable qualities, rather than human requirements--arms, legs, eyes, skin and the rest.

Whoops! Not aliens, rather evolved humans…from the future, perhaps? Nope, just dead people…

Back to Sarton, erasing knowledge. And the dead move on to a parallel dimension--interesting concept. Mona Lisa bites the dust. Ahhhh--chapter ten. The truth is revealed about Sarton, and who he is disciple to. And the Akashic Record is revealed. “There are two Akashic records Kerry,” he said. Needs a comma before Kerry, since he is being addressed.

The jet and Sarton’s interference was an interesting twist. I read chapters 1-15 tonight, and I will return within a few days to finish the posting. This is certainly different than anything else I have ever come across. Kudos for originality--more twists and turns than a roller coaster ride. The story is well told, you juggle a huge cast but managing to lay it out in such a way that I was able to keep up with all the characters.

An enjoyable read. Shelved.

Hi Maria,

I'm confused. I have already read this before, but appear not to have left a comment - not at all like me.

I like the premise and the first chapter was unnerving. I do feel, however, that some of the narrative (and her internal monologue) sound forced. Too informative to flow as well as the rest of the writing.

I am sure there must still be a market for 'good vs evil' and this falls well into it. I think with some smoothing it will stand a good chance.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Kat

Just read chapter five. Its definitely a strong concept. Keep going with it.

Her 'thoughts' are really quite irritating though, strip them out where you can. For example:

'I'm alive, so what the hell is going on here' Try deleting that completely . You don't need it. Sharpen up the dialogue also, instead of:

'The Homeland?'

'Yes, very simply, it is our home as the name implies'

How about:

'The Homeland?'

'You are here because of your ability to...etc'

Some dialogue and comments reads sharper if the next person doesn't actually reply to it you see. Scriptwriting is this best place to see that. Again, its something I'm still learning myself.

OK, that's all for now!

J
x

Hello, horrible late with this review, sorry. I haven't been on the site for ages, (long story but it wouldn't make a good novel).

Anyway, I read up until chapter 4. I wasn't really sure what to explect from the tile. I understand the idea of the records and so I wondered what you were going to do with that. I think I like what you're doing actually, I think it feels a strong and origional concept. But looking at someones earlier commetns they didn't, which is probably becasue they didn't get as far as the bit about etheric travel. Or maybe they didn't get where you're going with this. Maybe you need to get to that more quickly. Anyway, here's some thoughts, hope they're useful:

The 'set-up' seems a little heavy and potentially over-written. The result of that is it ends up feeling a little too complex. By 'over-written' I mean a couple of things:

a. Its taking too long to get to a point. For example, the constant 'mind narrative' of the girl being abducted is a little repatitive and lots of her thoughts seem superflous. So the impact is that she becomes mildly irratiating, (how many times do we need to be told that she's shocked and has no idea what's happening). Take out most of that and the whole thing will be sharper, sassier. Stephen King's good at that type of scene, you might like to take a look at how he creates shock factor in very few words.

b. There seems to be 'back story' in peoples thoughts or dialogue. So you're trying to inform the reader too much and we're having to 'store' or remember lots of 'bits' of information. This has the impact of slowing it down. Plus there's lots of 'tell' rather than 'show' again, this is slowing the action down.

Here's what I think would help:

Get clear what the 'job' of these first few chapters are, e.g. shock with baby, woman is being abducted, Sarton begins his work. Then have a look at what's in there and try to prune out anyting that's not needed, or repeating the task twice. For example, you don't need to tell us that the baby can speak 5 languages, becasue you're just about to show that the baby can do something even more impressive. So the thougths of the mother might be reduced to a 'hint' of the bably's power. Like 'the baby seemed different somehow, like the way he looked at her, he seemed to be studying her with a critical eye. Then the bit where the baby jumps out of the cot is even more dramatic.

Also, you're ignoring the golden rule of 'show don't tell' (let me know if I need to explain that). If you strip out anything that's 'tell' (instead of show), this would speed things up no end. For example, instead of 'within a shockingly short fifteen minutes' you'd simply say 'within fifteen minutes' We know its a small duration to do such a thing, you don't need to tell us. Let us decide whether or not its shocking.

Maria I do really think you've got something fresh here, and it simply needs a thorough editing job to reduced it to simple brilliance. You;ve been really suportive of my book (From Magic to Memphis) and I didn't want to 'short-change' you by saying 'oh its lovely'. It could be very cool, but right now it needs some polish.

I've been working on mine for 3 years now, and if you'd seen it in its first draft I doubt you'd have looked at it twice. What I've discovered is that whilst reduction isn't easy, it does reaveal a better quality of writing.

OK, good luck with it. Let me know when you're ready for me to have another look. That's if you're up for that of course, this needs to feel helpful to you. I hope it does.

Jools
x

i like the pitch, sounds like a good bit of indulgent goodie beats the baddie fun.

thought your opening scene was genius.

and then aliens.

great lighthearted fun-shelved-TJ

On my watchlistst

Hi Chris

Many thanks for taking the time to read and comment on TAR! I note your points along with others I've got and will certainly consider them on the next edit! I will get back to read a bit more of yours as I've not had time to get as far as I wanted.
best regards
Maria

Hi Maria
I read four chapters. This is a nice easy read and the synopsis sounds intriguing. However I think you need to be aware of the themes. Publishers look for something original and both abduction and the evil child have been done many times over.
Your writing is fairly tight. I found chapter 3 the best, with Sarton a convincing unlikable character. In chapter 2 and 4 I was less convinced about Kerry. She seems very calm. I don't feel the tension and fear I would expect. On reflection I wonder if you "tell" the reader rather than "show" us. You use her thoughts a great deal, but again they are cold and calculated it seems.
I've just read "Ready to Fall" by Sheila Bugler. Check it out, because she is someone who can really write terrifying scenes imo.
Good luck with your writing.
Best wishes
ChrisX
I Dare You

Hi Maria
I read four chapters. This is a nice easy read and the synopsis sounds intriguing. However I think you need to be aware of the themes. Publishers look for something original and both abduction and the evil child have been done many times over.
Your writing is fairly tight. I found chapter 3 the best, with Sarton a convincing unlikable character. In chapter 2 and 4 I was less convinced about Kerry. She seems very calm. I don't feel the tension and fear I would expect. On reflection I wonder if you "tell" the reader rather than "show" us. You use her thoughts a great deal, but again they are cold and calculated it seems.
I've just read "Ready to Fall" by Sheila Bugler. Check it out, because she is someone who can really write terrifying scenes imo.
Good luck with your writing.
Best wishes
ChrisX
I Dare You

Hello Maria,
Got a spare hour so quickly glancing at your book as promised. Wow - what a start to a story! The opening words - lulling us into a false sense of security, and then the horror. There is nothing quite as sinister as an evil doll or toy, or baby... and I was mesmerised from the start.
Chapter 2 and the encounter with aliens. Unexpected and interesting with a good hook at the end of the scene.
Chapter 3 and yet another scene, different characters and change of mood.
This is an exciting story, and I can understand why people have suggested it would make a good screenplay. Lots of variety, interesting characters and locations. I don't agree the baby should be older, I like the fact that a six month old has such powers - more original and definitely more sinister.
As usual, I'm short of time, but I'll back this as it has huge promise. If you'd like to email me some - for more in-depth comments, I'd be happy to help.
Nicky
P.S. Thanks again for your lovely comments on my chickens! Don't know if you got my pics?

Hi! the baby has been mentioned a few times so you might want to read my reply on those & I have also sent you a message!
Many thanks
Maria

Hi Maria, I've read the first 2 chapters so far and thought it time to comment; I'm a keen sci-fi fan and can tell you have a great story in the making; someone mentioned a possible X Files-type screenplay and I have to agree. However, I do feel you need to make the child a little older to be believable. The more realistic you can make this the more intense the read. 6 months old and speaking 5 languages is a stretch particularly being so nimble on his feet. There's a great fascination in the anti-Christ genre and you are on track here; just needs minor tweaks.
I guess that's why you're on this site which is a courageous move in the right direction.
I'll read on and share my thoughts as I go.
Thank you for sharing this, Shrekton.

Hi Andy!

thanks so much for your time and comments! I'm not sure how far you have read but I (hope!) it becomes clear why I've shown the baby behaving like this and being SO young - that's the whole point - to show how not normal he is! He causes the crash in the beginning. I want the reader to be aware right away that they are dealing with someone supernatural! A movie would be nice - I've pictured that myself! And huge thanks for the backing! I will be getting back to yours soon as I can - and pretty sure it's one I can back but have make some space on the shelf! Will of course send you my comments.
Kind regards
Maria

Hi Maria, finally back for a read. I feel movie here, as other have done. great opening scene, with the baby appearing to fall into blissful slumber, then ... nice one!
i see a passage in ch1 that leads me the wrong way, the one w the baby and the lorry. baby sees the lorry moving "much too fast for the oncoming tour bus to avoid if only ... he could make it go a little faster ..." i'm probably reading this all wrong but for me the "if only"implies that baby is going to do something to avoid the collision. maybe baby is of two minds? i'm a bit confused but it's easy to keep readin.
on my shelf. best, andy

Hi Maria, finally back for a read. I feel movie here, as other have done. great opening scene, with the baby appearing to fall into blissful slumber, then ... nice one!
i see a passage in ch1 that leads me the wrong way, the one w the baby and the lorry. baby sees the lorry moving "much too fast for the oncoming tour bus to avoid if only ... he could make it go a little faster ..." i'm probably reading this all wrong but for me the "if only"implies that baby is going to do something to avoid the collision. maybe baby is of two minds? i'm a bit confused but it's easy to keep readin.
on my shelf. best, andy

Hi Maria, I've read the first 2 chapters so far and thought it time to comment; I'm a keen sci-fi fan and can tell you have a great story in the making; someone mentioned a possible X Files-type screenplay and I have to agree. However, I do feel you need to make the child a little older to be believable. The more realistic you can make this the more intense the read. 6 months old and speaking 5 languages is a stretch particularly being so nimble on his feet. There's a great fascination in the anti-Christ genre and you are on track here; just needs minor tweaks.
I guess that's why you're on this site which is a courageous move in the right direction.
I'll read on and share my thoughts as I go.
Thank you for sharing this, Shrekton.

Hi Murray!

thanks for the really excellent comments! I am going back to revise shortly and will take your comments on board! Typos - bloody typos! How can we not see them in our own work (I know why but it still irritates the hell out of me!) I can't belive I've used 'horrendous, ear-splitting and pitiful' in one sentence - but what would you suggest instead (I know I have to go back and read it & will do) but just thought it would be good to know your thoughts! Will come back to you too with more comments on TJD as I was enjoying that - am just trying to spread myself across several books, as you do!
Many thanks again, really appreciate your time!
Maria

Hi Maria
Chapters 1 and 3 are excellent. But (isn't there always), chapter 2 is weak. I think it's because the emotion isn't in it. When she sees the UFO it seems like a highly rational response: "oh a quintessential UFO." I think there needs to be more surprise, more tension building up to the final line. Somewhere I would expect: "This isn't really happening. I'm imagining it...." building up to: "Oh my God I'm being abducted!" Go from surprise and doubt to intrigue and finally terror.

Generally you write well. One tip is to reduce the number of adjective. Find a better noun if you think you need one. Too many adjectives distract the reader. For example in one sentence in chapter 1 you use: "horendous", "ear-splitting" and "pitiful."

Some little things:

* In the synopsis there's an important typo: "par[a]psychologist"

* "with contentment" rather than "in"

* "Then he stood up" - drop "Then" and be careful how often you use it.

* Before telling us the baby counts to 1000 in 4 languages. I would insert "Her baby could not only speak, but..." Does it need to be 1000? Does the mother know this - it implies she can count to 1000 in 4 languages too, otherwise how would she know it was correct. I think it would suffice to say "her baby can count in four languages."

* When my daughter was born, the midwife checked her grip (as they do). Using the support, my little moster stood up and looked around with those black unseeing eyes new borns have. God it was spooky! Even the midwife was unnerved.... Just a thought incase you wanted to use my experience.

* "feigning asleep" should be "sleep"

* Devil and Hell should be capitalised.

Good work. A bit of tweaking and this could be great work. On my shelf.

Best wishes
Murray
The Jin Deception

Hi Maria,
I'm really enjoying this . . . that baby is really quite evil!
I did wonder why Kerry wasn't afraid when she saw the UFO, because if it was me (no matter HOW much I'd secretly like to see one) I'd be terrified. Still, she deals with poltergeists, so she's clearly braver than me!

There was a line in the first paragraph of Chapter 3 that jarred a little . . . 'He was by original choice a handsome man;' I know that further on we find out that the choice was his . . . so I wondered whether you could say, 'He was by his own choice a handsome man . . .' It still sounds as though something strange is going on but maybe leads into the description and explanation a little better? Just a thought . . .

I love Sarton's remark, 'That was two questions,' (and I can answer both of them). That made me laugh!
He's a great character.

You have a really good idea here - and I'll be back to read more chapters when I have a bit more time.

Berni x

Dear Jeff

many thanks indeed for your kind and helpful comments! Another authonomist said the same thing about the internal dialogue so I'm definitely going to have to edit that! Regarding the baby - I deliberately wanted him to be too young to do what a 'normal' baby would do as the aim is to show right away that we are dealing with someone supernatural. Anyway, really delighted with the support and backing! Will check yours out of course!
kind regards
Maria

Maria,

I enjoyed this story. Good concept. To me it would have seemed just a bit more believable if the baby was just a wee bit older. A baby that young gymnastically moving around seemed a bit funny to me and took away from the dread of the scene. The internal dialogue with the UFO seemed a bit stilted and formal. I don't know if most people talk to themselves in quite that formal of a tone. Sometimes you use contractions, sometimes you don't. I don't know if it is intentional, but unless it is specific to a character, I think it is a bit distracting.
A lot of promise with just a bit of cleanup. On the shelf.
Jeff

Maria,

I enjoyed this story. Good concept. To me it would have seemed just a bit more believable if the baby was just a wee bit older. A baby that young gymnastically moving around seemed a bit funny to me and took away from the dread of the scene. The internal dialogue with the UFO seemed a bit stilted and formal. I don't know if most people talk to themselves in quite that formal of a tone. Sometimes you use contractions, sometimes you don't. I don't know if it is intentional, but unless it is specific to a character, I think it is a bit distracting.
A lot of promise with just a bit of cleanup. On the shelf.
Jeff

I just have to say - this reminds me of an episode of the X Files. It seems like the making of an interesting screenplay.

Hi Maria -

Taking a quick break to write some comments on your book. I think that you have a unique message here that will resonate with a particular audience. The chapters are an easy read – I’ve made it through chapter 7. Will keep going to see where this leads.

Prologue:
I really liked your writing. It seemed like an opening of a movie. I could picture the entire scene. Liked the concept of the baby being more than anyone could imagine.

Chapter 1:
You have a good way of describing the details of a place. I can picture myself walking in the Rockies with the doctor.
Is a rucksack a backpack?
When she comes upon the UFO maybe describe it first before you call it a UFO.
Like the description: paralyzed with sheer fascination.
The chapter moves along nicely.

Chapter 2:
Nice introduction to Sarton. Never thought about good looking people being liked more. Interesting to see from an outside perspective of an alien.
One change: Thanks buddy. Should be Thanks, buddy.

Chapter 3:
I like the introduction of the concept that these are not aliens but more evolved creatures.

Dear Patty

many thanks for the lightening quick response & your helpful comments! Actually is sounds like the kind of advice I give to other writers! Why oh why is it so hard to see your own mistakes? Thanks so much and I will bear those comments in mind during the next edit!
I presume you have some work on here so I will check that out too, as promised.
Kind regards
Maria

Maria,

Some comments, as asked on the forum.
I quite liked the prologue. OK, there are a few writing issues, but some polish will take care of those, but I thought the idea of the evil super-baby was cool. Writing-wise, one of the things to look out for is repetition of words in close succession. For example, in the first sentence you use laid, and in the second lay. It sounds the same, and gives the text a repetitive feel.
In the first chapter, I feel you can do without so much direct internal thought. A lot of it doesn't feel like something somebody would say to themselves. It feels more like information added for the benefit of the reader. I think that often, the emotion or conclusion you present in italics is already clear from the preceding text, so after a while I get the feeling that the chapter is rather overwritten. Concepts, ideas, feelings are often repeated in different wordings. The text would read faster if you only say things once. Readers remember. Cut out these double descriptions and save the word-space for other things.

Very strong pitch and eye catching cover. Although this might seem to be a total fantasy, with the dreadful happenings, Fires deliberately lit in Australia, Twin Towers, sucide bombers, rapes and murders, I sometimes wonder if the devil's diciples are here on earth - and that's plural. There must be more than one!

On my watch list.

Maria,

Some comments, as asked on the forum.
I quite liked the prologue. OK, there are a few writing issues, but some polish will take care of those, but I thought the idea of the evil super-baby was cool. Writing-wise, one of the things to look out for is repetition of words in close succession. For example, in the first sentence you use laid, and in the second lay. It sounds the same, and gives the text a repetitive feel.
In the first chapter, I feel you can do without so much direct internal thought. A lot of it doesn't feel like something somebody would say to themselves. It feels more like information added for the benefit of the reader. I think that often, the emotion or conclusion you present in italics is already clear from the preceding text, so after a while I get the feeling that the chapter is rather overwritten. Concepts, ideas, feelings are often repeated in different wordings. The text would read faster if you only say things once. Readers remember. Cut out these double descriptions and save the word-space for other things.

hello maria
here i am at last. i loved the prologue (until the denouement in the last lines!) and this book is carefully crafted and well thought out - at least that's my impression after 3 chapters. i'm just having difficulty with Sarton, i think. self-regarding evil is always a bit of a tricky one although i imagine he is central to the whole thing as he is.
still an' all, this isn't my regular genre and i can see that it will have a huge appeal, so all the best for it's future. M