Reminders Of Them

Reminders of them is both lyrical and emotive and tackles a sensitive subject with delicate precision.

Backed

M&J
GRAEMOR

I wonder why I haven't noticed this earlier? I was drawn by the romance tag and the lovely book cover at first, but now it is the writing that has me captivated. I was reading wondering (not in a bad way) how could I be so engrossed in somebody getting a package? i think it was all the description and emotion that went with it, hestiating, going to the attic etc. The dialogue with Fin flowed well too and makes you realise that Aden is forcing distance and teh pitch helps you understand why. I think when she is talking on the phone she refers to Travis and you state she had be in love with him half her life and I just wondered if that should read been?
Kendall Craig, The Halo (of Delight)

Lots of tension and potential building here and plenty of reasons to read on. The word 'divots' puzzled me,in the U.K. this means a dislodged piece of grass which can be stamped back into place. Would indents be better for damp cardboard? Loved the box being referred to as a trojan horse. On my shelf to continue reading. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Further to my earlier comments your book is now on my shelf.

Joanna

Excellent opening paragraph. You tighten and rexax the tension - what's it's the box?

He liked creating memories - fake memories - what a hook of a line.

Your characters are alive and realistic. I like the cover too and your pitch pulls the reader in.

This will go on my shelf as soon as I have a space.

Best wishes,

Joanna

Hi SB,
Aden intrigues me and I want to know more immediately. This touches on a painful topic that many people can relatte to, and it gives an insight to those who haven't experienced it.
You deal with human emotions well, I can see exactly how Aden is feeling and how painful the half truths must have been - it's as if she has lost her whole sense of self.
You have a strong narrative voice, your dialogue is realistic and makes your characters all that more convincing.
This is a well written and interesting story, a journey almost for Aden. I am hooked and keen to read on, in the meanwhile, this is SHELVED!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Dear S B,


Very happy to find a complete manuscript on Authonomy and a Literary one at that.

Having read two chapters which is all time allows, I have placed Reminders of Them on my bookshelf.

Comments.

On reading you synopsis, I really started paying attention at the adoption and the fact that details were withheld from her. I wondered whether the novel revolved around this and whether it should play a more prominent role. Only you will know.

When I reached the end of chapter one which is character driven lower down, I returned and reread the narrative beginning. Two thoughts occurred to me. I couldn’t identify with Aden because I didn’t know how old she was.

The second was, could we not paint a living scene of Aden? Be able to get into her head by hearing her talk to herself, expressing her thoughts and memories? Some of the narrative converted to dialogue and live action?

Again, only you will know whether it suits your story-telling. I have a bit too much narrative in my own stuff which I am slowly converting after a literary agency briefed for it.

A similar thought when you open chapter two. Again, I read the whole chapter before returning to the opening paras. Perhaps get people to speak?

Nevertheless on my bookshelf as mentioned.

Go well with your work. I am forever rewriting bits and pieces here and there. Especially my dialogue. What I have on Authonomy is a fourth rewrite and I’m slowly working on a fifth one. No rest for the wicked.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree

Hi SB,
First impressions here.
Opening could benefit with tighteningup, eg - ' Rain pelted her, plastering her clothes to her body like a second skin...' - original semtence seemed too cumbersome.
'Aden tossed the album to the floor...' she's still looking at it, so this seems clumsy - perhaps you could convey her feeling some other way - Make her remember balling her fists in the photo?? Rather than simply putting it in the description?
Some effective and concise dscription - 'soft southern inflections that held onto vowels as if they were cherished friends.'
Generally this is an easy read, bu I do feel the conversations could perhpas be shortened to add impact, particularly the one with Fin.
Also I wasn't convinced that her father would be so cross to find her being kissed by Travis on her 16th B'day. Cross about the possibility nof him taking her driving maybe, but not the level of anger you suggest here.
Don't think it adds anything to the story, unless you're going to tell us Travis is her brother or something.
I think there is potential here, the adoption issue is always a tricky one for kids and parents to negotiate and lots of emotion to tap into.
I hope that these comments will help you along the way, I certainly meant them to be constructive.
Good luck with this, staying on my WL.
Margaret
PS I'd value your reaction to Munro's Choice (I can take as well as give crits.) Thanks, M.

Hi SB. The cover of your book and your synopsis caught my attention. The first scene is excellent. You create suspense - why is she upset? The phone call is a bit long and didn't add to the suspense you first established. I suggest decreasing the following backstory and cutting the first chapter in two with the answer of why she was upset. You provide fluid descriptions during action and your voice is romantic. I visualize sitting under a thick blanket by the fire while reading this. Which is what I'm going to do when I come back. Stay in touch and good luck. Janet Marie

I've just finished chapter 4. I am afraid I am going to have to read the whole book. I like your style and your characters. There are a few grammar typos, but not so bad they distract from your story. I am looking forward to the rest of the MS.

let me firstly say this isn't the type of book i would normally read-subject matter a bit serious.
having said that i think there is still a lot of positives to comment on.
marvellous opening line.
you also have a very nice style of writing. some nice turns of phrase, great attention to detail in your descriptions. some people might say you use a few too many adverbs but i liked it.
TJ