'Outsider' and other outlandish tales.

Hi– thanks for the comments on “Betrothal” and “Penance”, much appreciated (and for adding me to your bookshelf – gave my flagging ego a boost!).

Finally got round to leaving some comments of my own . . . I really enjoyed reading “The Walls” – I liked the brooding sense of atmosphere, with a nice build up of tension throughout. The dialogue felt natural and flowed easily, although the prose of the narrative did seem a bit clunky at times, switching from quite modern to archaic styles, which I found a bit distracting.

A very slight niggle: there’s a sudden switch in perspectives from past to present tense towards the end - although a bit jarring, I don’t think it detracts too much from the flow of the story.

There’s some suitably brutal imagery, though without being too graphic, thus allowing the reader’s imagination to fill in the gaps. I also liked the open-ended finale, leaving the reader to wonder what happens next, and why . . .

(I picked up a few typo’s etc that left some sentences slightly confused – let me know if you want them detailed . . .)

Hope my prattling has been of some use to you . . . I’ll check out some of the other stories as soon as I’m able . . .

Darren

Hi Sean - don't worry about it - I figured that you didn't know who i was when you posted. I'm grateful for your comments, and have just managed to navigate my way to your anthology! It's good stuff. It's hard to find good scifi/fantasy these days, especially a good short, and you seem to be getting very close. Good luck with it - I'm terrible at shorts. Sorry if there is another way to contact you - this is a confusing site, and I haven't found my way round it yet!!

Hi Sean,

I've just read Leksickon (very good title, by the way) and must say how much I enjoyed it. It was great fun staying with the character, knowing that he's bound by his fate -- the little book -- and the curse upon him. Very tragic too, but in a great, sinister way. Well done and thanks for sharing.

Only a couple of minor points of repetitive phrasing in paragraphs 27, 28 and 29 gave me pause. There were a couple of adrenaline comments close enough together to have me noticing in 27 and 28, and then a couple of 'maddenings' also close together over paragraphs 28 and 29.

That was all. Great stuff.

Sean,

just read Reytan (picked it randomly). Clever, very clever. Very creative and steps off at a perfect point. I wonder if you might increase the impact of your writing with a little less narrative, or tighter narrative perhaps. For example, for me you almost didn't need the first paragraph, it picked up pace on the second. Also, some of the action tells us stuff that renders some of your description redundant, e.g. 'I was struck with an urge to stop them' - which becomes obvious as they step in to help. The action is so wierd, I think you might stay with that more, and let us figure out the strangeness for ourselves, rather than telling us things are strange. Just show us they are, e.g. the sentence 'I put their indifference down to the..' - I don't think we need that, is slows the pace down. Go straight to meeting the creature, that's when things get really interesting. And all of that's simple to do in an edit session, just revealing the quality in there.. What's more important is that you can come up with clever, creative stuff thats compelling in its wierdness! Nice one, Julie

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Yes, still hanging in but reading a lot less than I used to. Is your book close to going up? I'm at the number 12 in the spotter ranking, but I've bee overtaken by a couple. They changed the ranking system to count votes of newcomers a lot less than those with a higher spotter ranking. Now, when someone new backs it it hardly makes a difference. Keep in touch, I'm thinking of pulling out of the game soon but will look in occasionally to see how everyone's doing.

Not bad, thanks Carl. I've been thoroughly enjoying my new job and spending my spare time editing my current novel, so not been on for a while. The only reason my book appeared on the chart was because I was making some of the typo-edits that people have suggested on here, thinking that it would be rude not to.

How about you, how goes? I see you're the top commenter now, and still in the top 3 for Horror!

Just saw your book go down the edited chart. How's things?

Hiya! Watchlisted!

Amethyst

Hi Sean, really sorry to hijack your comments like this when I've been away for so long, but I've got a favour to ask; could you email me at garry.mclaughlin@yahoo.co.uk ? I'd be much obliged!

Hi Sean,
Only just got into this site, and had to start somewhere - your book is the first I've started to read.

Just finished, "Sometimes the mind just snaps". Really good stuff. Liked the style of writing and the link to the title at the end emphasises the point to the story really well. Looking forward to "The Walls" next - I see some people have made some good comments about the atmosphere in that one.

Hope the rest is just as good.

Jason

Oh, new story? Here's my notes (written as I read) on Barbed Wire then:

1st para - "I got the privilege" should be "I had" - unless this is in character as it is 1st person? Jars a bit at this early stage though.

Good build up, nice that you take a bit of time with the recruitment - WW1 has always interested me, after touring the graveyards and battlefields with school. I've also written a short horror story using this setting, although it isn't posted here. (It was called The Mouthless Dead after a poem by Charles Sorely).

The tension when he wakes up is great, really strong situation for type of story. The lines where he is angry ("red mist" etc.) seem a bit overdone though, a few cliches and not very like natural speech.

You've put "in tact" rather than "intact" at the end.

It's a good story, original idea, and the use of 1st person generally successful. The ending reminded me of Lovecraft in a way, although no idea why. I think maybe the idea that the character has to live with the fact of what happened when they don't really understand what happened.

One of your best I'd say...

Hi Sean – I’m not sure if you spotted it, but I added yours and James E’s collections to the ‘Recommend a Manuscript’ forum (under the title “Two . . . for the Price of One”) – I think perhaps I should have put them on separately, so they’d stand out better (I’ll try and get round to doing that when I can).

(Also, I’m still trying to get round to reading more of your stuff, there’s just so much to catch up on at the mo’!)

Cheers,

Darren

Just read the first story in your collection. I liked this. I almost expected Lillian to be a demon, and that she was messing with the kids minds for fun. I think it better she be simply a human with a very dark soul. Others have said they want to see if the world does end. Me, I want to see Eleanor launch herself at Lillian, knife in hand.
I shall be back for more.
Lisa

I very much enjoyed Cabal, deciding to have a read at a short story before I went to bed. I think now I shall probably be up for a little while digesting and thinking about it. Very impressed.

Thanks for your comments on my book. I am going to read your stories if that is okay because I have an interest in reading short stories - a medium I have always had trouble writing - very much looking forward to them. My detatchment was experimental prose (one that I have not repeated in other works) to try and write the tale as if we are watching through the eyes of God - there has to be a detatchment there even if there is a vested interest in the result. I believe in God (although I am not actually a very religious person, strangely) and I know that there are times when he/she/it appears to be cruel. But instead I think this a decision on his/her/it's part to have us choose our own paths through life. With us all the time and always willing to listen and help us in little ways but leaving the choices purely up to us. The closest analogy I could think of this in the real world is that of a film director who has absolutely no control over the script he has to work with but shoots certain things in a certain way. Thus I have attempted to tell a story with detachment and short sharp scenes, much in the way that one would read a film script. We have an interest in the characters but all the things that are happening to them, no matter how passionately they feel about it, are viewed with this director's like view. Whether I have succeeded or failed I shall leave up to you to decide. Suffice to say all my subsequent prose has been a bit more emotional.

Hi P,

I am seriously influenced by Lovecraft and The Walls is full of it, as is Leksickon. I had a look back at my writing journal and just found a vague drawing of the Nurg with the words 'The Walls!' scrawled next to it, so it might have been a dream or just a random idea that spawned it.

Thanks for you comment!

Hello Sean, my first review on this site, deep breath. Have just picked The Walls to read through and was impressed by the atmosphere. It reminded me of early Lovecraft in the depiction of strange horrors, weird cults and nasty ends. I'd like to have met the Nurg face to face to find out what it's game was, but the ending preserved the mystery I guess. It had a certain tone to it that made me think it was inspired by, or was a close copy of, an actual dream. Was this the case?

Cheers, P

If you go to my page, where the Prologue is, you can stumble it there, along with a review if you like. I've sent a small number of requests out, through stumble and a few have said they'll take a look as well as being kind enough to stumble it.

Nope, not until you suggested it! I have done now, though, and will do the same for other books I like (including DD)

Sean, have you thought have stumbling your own story on here now we're out of beta?

Sean, I definitely meant that as a compliment. If you can draw these characters so well in just a few pages, I look forward to reading what you'd do with characters in a novel.

Hell, perhaps you can teach me your trick so that I can cut a few thousand words.

Thanks for your time, Sylvia and Darren. I appreciate your comments and will take them into account this weekend, hopefully!

Hi Sean – here are those typos you asked for regarding “The Walls” -

‘. . . was painted (with) glossy white paint . . .’ / ‘. . . more than enough time(s) . . .’ / ‘. . . reply to the man(’)s question . . .’ / ‘. . . closed my eyes to hid(e) . . .’ / ‘. . . which it’s’ (its) parallel . . .’ / ‘. . . became on(e) of a . . .’ / ‘. . . I though(t) that I had . . .’ / ‘. . . and angrier th(e)n when we asked . . .’ / ‘. . . to act so inhuman(ely/ly) towards . . .’

Hope they’re of some use . . . also, I finally got round to reading another one of your stories!

I thought “Leksickon” was a great read, nicely paced . . . although as the reader we knew what the outcome was probably going to be, the fun of it was seeing the protagonist’s slow descent into desperation and madness, leading to his fated demise.

I liked the lines ‘. . . like a foul toad . . . long ago made opaque . . .’, though at first I thought you meant ‘horrors’ rather than ‘humours’ (my fault, bit dim-witted at times!) – nicely archaic sounding, although felt a bit of a mouthful, maybe could be tightened up? Also liked ‘. . . grinning, horribly ethereal smile.’

The rubber gloves were a good touch, showing his disgust/repulsion with the book.

Not sure about ‘impious tome’ - sounds a tad comical, especially when everything else had been building nicely to a dark and creepy tension.

Spotted a few typos: ‘. . . began to believe that (he) could feel . . .’ / ‘. . . simply put (away) it away . . .’ / ‘. . . that all shot(s) showed the date . . .’ / ‘. . . the entire (of the) contents of the book . . .’

The only other thing I could suggest is perhaps a little trimming and tightening here and there, as some of it seemed a bit over-written at times (though this didn’t really spoil my enjoyment of the story too much!) – also not sure about the title, a good play on words, though not really with regard to the story – maybe just use ‘Lexicon’ instead?!?

I’ll try and get to the rest when able!

Darren

Sean, I don't often read short stories, particularly horror, but you are such a strong contributor to the site that I decided to give one a go, so I read your latest addition, Barbed Wire.

Extraordinarily interesting, it turned out plot-wise, and you do have a winning way with words. The old soldier was quite a character with his old fangled 'politeness', and his story was grim but not so unusual to begin with. Then POW we're off the beaten track, we may not even be on the same planet. I can see in this story why many people love this genre - the reader has to fill in the blanks him/herself, and you provide sufficient clues to set imaginations racing. Thank you for exercising my brain ;o)

A few favourite moments: 'a relic of a bloody war'. 'drinking up the glory of being a warrior'. 'I was a nervous wreck on the morning of the Push'. 'I had put a foot straight into it'. 'pure insane joy of being free'. 'wishing that he'd done it to me sooner'.

Suggestions to take or leave: 'I was ('got' as a change from 'was'?) absolutely soaked'. 'It was raining heavily (It was chucking it down?)'. On this subject, the dialogue could be a little less 'formal' in places. 'beginning to drape itself over my mind' (that's a great phrase, but it's perhaps a writer's phrase rather than an old soldier's?).

Thanks for your comments Liz! I'm glad that you enjoyed Outsider and hope that the others in my collection can be enjoyed just as much.

I hope that being suited for short stories doesn't threaten my novel-writing, though! I do put in as much effort to the characters as is required, I think, so hopefully the reason that Ivan and Mike seem suited for a few thousands words is because I didn't plan them any further than that.

The comment about backstory seems to come up a lot, and it's something I'll need to have a look at during the next major edit of these stories. I'll need to try and reveal any relevant information through actions, rather than exposition.

Hi thought I'd introduce myself, I'm Louise, Carl's (Dark Dreams) wife. When I get through reading some other stuff I will come back and give yours a read, heard good stuff from Carl.

Sean,

Just finished Outsider. (Been meaning to get to this for a long time, but real life has interfered with my online time).

I have to say, you seem well suited to short stories. It's as if your characters and the writing itself have a natural cadence for that length. I particularly enjoyed the descriptions of the tears. Very vivid.

I am one of those writers who starts with a character and just prays for a plot, and all my novels thus far are probably too long, so pay no attention to this comment if writing a short is different, because I know you have limited time: There were a few times where I think an intimate moment between them would have suited the story more than some unnecessary background info, but overall, you built a very solid love story between them.

Great work.

Thank you, Jaeger.

I am actually working on a fantasy story right now. I had one up previously, but that was removed due to a lack of quality! I'm hoping to get my latest novel up in a couple of months or a couple of edits, whichever comes first. I've been wrestling with putting it up sooner than that, but wanted as much polish to it as possible before others read it, especially as I know that it needs a damn good scrubbing!

I'm sorry that horror short stories aren't your thing and hope to have something more palatable up soon!

Just read Lecsickon (not sure of the title) - I thought the build up was good, and with the book I thought there was a sly nod to Lovecraft? My own issues would be, towards the end his descent into madness seemed slightly too sudden, and some of the language at this point seemed a bit over-done: particularly the paragraph near the end begining "And this he realised that..."

p.s. good new cover...

Thanks for your comments, Jo and Julie. I've taken your advice, agreeing with the majority of it entirely, and have updated the related stories.

Pleas feel free to read more!

Sean,

just read Reytan (picked it randomly). Clever, very clever. Very creative and steps off at a perfect point. I wonder if you might increase the impact of your writing with a little less narrative, or tighter narrative perhaps. For example, for me you almost didn't need the first paragraph, it picked up pace on the second. Also, some of the action tells us stuff that renders some of your description redundant, e.g. 'I was struck with an urge to stop them' - which becomes obvious as they step in to help. The action is so wierd, I think you might stay with that more, and let us figure out the strangeness for ourselves, rather than telling us things are strange. Just show us they are, e.g. the sentence 'I put their indifference down to the..' - I don't think we need that, is slows the pace down. Go straight to meeting the creature, that's when things get really interesting. And all of that's simple to do in an edit session, just revealing the quality in there.. What's more important is that you can come up with clever, creative stuff thats compelling in its wierdness! Nice one, Julie

Hi Sean - thanks for the plug on the forums section, it’s much appreciated! (Only just noticed it, as I was randomly searching through the forum stuff . . things move too quickly on this damn site!)

Darren

Hi Sean,

I've just read Leksickon (very good title, by the way) and must say how much I enjoyed it. It was great fun staying with the character, knowing that he's bound by his fate -- the little book -- and the curse upon him. Very tragic too, but in a great, sinister way. Well done and thanks for sharing.

Only a couple of minor points of repetitive phrasing in paragraphs 27, 28 and 29 gave me pause. There were a couple of adrenaline comments close enough together to have me noticing in 27 and 28, and then a couple of 'maddenings' also close together over paragraphs 28 and 29.

That was all. Great stuff.

Hi Sean - don't worry about it - I figured that you didn't know who i was when you posted. I'm grateful for your comments, and have just managed to navigate my way to your anthology! It's good stuff. It's hard to find good scifi/fantasy these days, especially a good short, and you seem to be getting very close. Good luck with it - I'm terrible at shorts. Sorry if there is another way to contact you - this is a confusing site, and I haven't found my way round it yet!!

Sean, take a look on the forums, I've just replied to your post;-)

Once you've taken a look at Dark Dreams, I'd like to recommend a book called System Reset http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=631

Just uploaded the Prologue, Sean, if you have time to take a look. It may be a bit raw but I have it has been the hardest writing I've ever done. I've tried to work it as best I can and it a short time. Interested to hear your views, being the talent spotter of horror and sf;-)

Cool, then I got the kind of reaction I wanted.

I look forward to your re-draft of DD.

To be honest I could quite imagine a lynching in a supermarket, all those frustrated housewives. I did think the reaction was over the top but possible. By the time we got to the club scene, I defiantly thought something was up--what with their friends being against them. I wondered if they were going into an alternative reality though, or becoming invisible. Apart from the thing on his foot, there was no indication of anything supernatural was about to happen. I'm redrafting 13 of DD, it does need a lot of work. Will work my way back from there, read all three chapter, and then work my way forward again so as make it as smooth as possible. It's funny how you're blinded to the words when they're first set out and only later see that they describe too plainly. Will give you a call when when I'm happy with them.

I can really see your point about tear/tear. I shall have to use the word rip or something similar.

I obviously need to do a big re-edit of a few of these stories, when I'm not madly running around Authonomy trying to find books to comment on =D. The couple of paragraphs about what happens to the guy in the nightclub are quite confused and need a good hammering, definitely.

Ivor wouldn't be able to do anything in the supermarket because he's still 'gestating' at that point; it's only during the whole nightclub scene that he comes to fruition, as it were.

I was trying to subtly get across that the people in the supermarket weren't acting 'normally' and I'd hoped that the seed of doubt about that would have been placed when you learn that Ivor and Mike's friends treat them with hostility as well. Do you think I was too subtle with that and maybe need to make it a little more clear that something odd is happening?

I also wasn't sure of the words 'joy-coma'. I've put someone I know, who's looking for YA horror fiction, onto your story Cabal. Good luck. She's on the new arrivals section as Diane. She won't have anything loaded till the weekend but here's the forum post. She also like Clive Barker, which is good. http://www.authonomy.com/Forum/Posts.aspx?threadId=236

Just read Outsider, Sean. Very good writing, as usual but i did have a few jarring moments. When the punch was thrown, in the club or bar, I found it hard to follow. The tear came from nowhere, with no hint of it leading up to the fight. I also got mixed up with the word tear, as in 'tears in his eyes'. You mention his eyes in the section when they get home and my mind wanted to imagine teardrops, rather than tears in time. I think the first section works far better and the club scene and end scene need looking at again. This is only a personal request, but can't you have Ivor show off a glimmer of his powers to the counter girl at the supermarket? I would have liked to have seen her get zapped or come close to getting zapped. If Ivor's so powerful, perhaps he could do what we would all have liked to have done which is start throwing grapes back at them. I imagine Ivor doing a jig around them, while singing some weird nursery rhyme--but hell, that's just me I suppose.

Yes, sf too, lol

And Sci-Fi, I see! I feel kinda proud of that! =D

Congrats on being the top horror spotter, Sean.

Hi Sean – thanks for the comments, glad you enjoyed the rest of the stories!

I know what you mean about “Sweet Meat” – I’m a veggie animal lover myself (I intended it to be a comment on how people treat pets compared to animals reared for food, but somewhere along the line it just kind of morphed into what it is now). “Scars” was originally longer, but like other stories I cut it to meet the requirements of various magazines I was sending stories off to (perhaps not a good idea, in hindsight . . . although it helped make my internal editor more brutal!).

I’m aiming to read some more of your stuff as soon as I’m able (I feel like I’m trying to catch up with everyone else on this site at the mo’ – I’m just too damned slow!).

Darren

Thanks Sean. Earlier on I had 5 books on bookshelves and now I have 8. i hear off the forums that even if your book doesn't stay on a bookshelf, it still counts. I found this after I questioned the rating system, some books being higher up with less books on shelfs.

Thanks for reading chapters 11 to 13 of Dark Dreams, Sean. Much appreciated. I've just uploaded the last chapter which finishes that scene. It's only a couple of pages so you might like to take them in tonight? I admit that the chapters you mentioned are first draft and I haven't even read them through myself yet. The Dracula guy is actually someone from the club trying to help the New Boy. He's in fancy dress. Garmac was cracked up by that, I'll try and make it clearer though so it's mot overlooked again. Will go over it tomorrow and smooth it out. Thanks again and I hope to read one of your stories tomorrow. I'm just having a reading day tomorrow.

Hi, Sean, thanks for putting Dark Dreams on your bookshelf. Not sure where you are with the story but I've just added chapters 12 and 13. Good luck.

Hi– thanks for the comments on “Betrothal” and “Penance”, much appreciated (and for adding me to your bookshelf – gave my flagging ego a boost!).

Finally got round to leaving some comments of my own . . . I really enjoyed reading “The Walls” – I liked the brooding sense of atmosphere, with a nice build up of tension throughout. The dialogue felt natural and flowed easily, although the prose of the narrative did seem a bit clunky at times, switching from quite modern to archaic styles, which I found a bit distracting.

A very slight niggle: there’s a sudden switch in perspectives from past to present tense towards the end - although a bit jarring, I don’t think it detracts too much from the flow of the story.

There’s some suitably brutal imagery, though without being too graphic, thus allowing the reader’s imagination to fill in the gaps. I also liked the open-ended finale, leaving the reader to wonder what happens next, and why . . .

(I picked up a few typo’s etc that left some sentences slightly confused – let me know if you want them detailed . . .)

Hope my prattling has been of some use to you . . . I’ll check out some of the other stories as soon as I’m able . . .

Darren

Hey Sean, just read through some more of your stories. I'll comment later on the others, but I really liked Leksickon (though I'm not sure about the title...) This is an ace short story following a grand tradition that runs right from Poe to the present day. I'd love for you to take this and expand on it just a little i.e. take your time to add description and detail, really build up the menace. That said, it does work as is. I really relish these 'inevitable' stories, where the reader knows the ending but has to wait for the protagonist to catch up!

No problem, Sean, I'll read Outsider next. Like you say, Cabal leaves plenty of scope for a novel or novella. I would target at the Buffy/Angel and young adult market. It would still have appeal for older markets, as I enjoyed it and I'm in my thirties. There's a growing trend towards hard core Goths getting into Wicca and the like. You see a lot of them on Bebo, a networking site, for some reason. I'm writing at the moment so I'll get back to your stories later. Good luck till then.

Hmmm, I had never considered turning Cabal into a novel. I'm glad that you find the potential there, definitely, and can see that I've tried to squeeze quite a lot of information and back-story into an overly-short story.

As I said earlier, I liked that I left it open, but it does leave a lot of space for expansion. I love that you think that Lilan's spell works, because, although I have a semi-vague idea of what's really going on, I'd purposely not planned it so that readers could reach their own conclusions.

If you can, I'd love you to read other stories. From your ideas about Cabal, you might enjoy Outsider.