Gobshite

Hi,
Read the first two. It’s a brash, harsh tale told in a gritty, first person narrative style
.
The MC’s voice come across very well. It’s strong, young and convincing. I didn’t altogether like him, so wondered whether some kind of edearing quality might be needed at the start – his sense of humour maybe or he could actually like the dog…..

A few small comments – take it or leave it up to you…
I wondered whether instead of saying ‘arse end of North Wales’ one might be more specific – ‘Rhyl ( or Buckley or Pantrfoilas) the North Wales place for the enema nozzle’. I say this because North Wales is a big place and readers like specifics – details make for better reading.
Isn’t it hickies not mickies?
Isn’t it ‘nonce’ not ‘nance’
If you own a gun, you have to have a firearms licence. Part of the requirements even in those days were that firearms had to be kept in a locked gun safe and the ammunition separately. To get the gun he would have to find the key and remove the gun from the gun safe / cupboard. I suppose he’s describing a daydream but the detail might make it more vivid.
That’s all the crit I have.

On the whole it’s a very well written piece of work.
Backed.

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Hi Inky

Thanks for your very positive comments about my work.

Philip

Hi Dan

Thanks for your comments.

philip

Thanks Michael - here's to liquid childhoods everywhere!

philip

Hi
This reminds me of my own liquid based youth and occasional adulthood, very real. Loved the word 'twonter' that's a one to me and I've used a few. Good luck on here.
Michael

Hi Lord Dunno! Thanks very much for your kind comments.

Philip

I've got to back this. It's one of those books on here that I feel, 'hey, I could've done this'. Don't worry that's not meant to be demeaning, it just means that we're a pair o' kindred spirits. Smart stuff.

OK Adam, will do! Thanks for your comments.

Have enjoyed what i have read - will comment in more detail when i have time - i've put your book on my shelf!

Have a look at mine if you get some free time.

Adam

Thanks for your comments, John. Since the story is 1st person, it can't be in anybody else's POV, but I take your criticisms on board.

Philip

Hi Phil,
As I expected you write very well and very powerfully, I'm just not sure where you are going with it or why.
You do sociopath very well, though for an 'intelligent' sociopath he doesn't seem to have thought things through very well. I found myself wondering how he could have made it to that age without having done something before that would have revealed his nature to the world and his dog.

Such a boy would fight to kill and there would be plenty of opportunities growing up in that environment. Again, an intelligent sociopath would hide it, but then he wouldn't kill his parents as that shows a complete lack of imagination.

Chaz is, from my perspective, totally unsympathetic, and therefore this is not a book I would buy. There is a kind of gory fascination about him, but that wore off by the last few lines. Which comes back to the why. If you had made Chaz less than a sociopath this could be an interesting story of a dissolute generation is a very specific time and place. As it is there is not much to learn. All the other characters are ciphers, drawn simply to allow Chaz to react to them. I would have liked to know what was going on in Chantelle's mind, even second hand, but we don't go there.

I can't imagine a market for this work, certainly edgy, and well written though

Cheers

John

I stand corrected!

Soz!

Stephen, Dai is quite correct. I did do my research on this.

Philip

Ignore Stephen. the song was re-released in 2001 but the original record was 1987 and the film was named after it as any fule kno. And I'm sure you did.

Small quibble: "24 Hour Party People" wasn't released until 2001 (it was written to accompany the film of the same title) so how could your protagonist be listening to it in 1989?

Hi Stephen/Keefieboy

Hope you don't mind sharing a thank you but your comments came in at the same time! Thanks for your comments about Gobshite. It's harsh but I am weirdly proud of it.

Philip

P.P.S. Its not often me and Keef Da Teef agree on something!

WOW!

Phil, well I saw your forum post the other day, and came along to have a look. If you're going to play the Authonomy game, you have to, well, play it. Get out there and make a noise. Otherwise people just won't know about your excellent writing. And it is excellent, I was drawn in and just wanted to read more and more. The protag's voice is just superb (although I thought 'twonters' was overused in chapter 1, but if you listen to adolescents speak, there's always one or two words they use over and over). Could this be published? I don't know - kids who kill their parents really shouldn't be glamourised. But you can certainly write, and I'd be very interested in anything else you produce. On my shelf for a bit.

P.S. Grammatical error in your pitch: "Happy mondays" should be "Happy Mondays".

This is great Philip!

The premise reminds me of the story of Alexander Coe (Sasha) who moved from Wales for the same reason and went on to be an international club DJ (and a particular favourite of mine).

The music of Manchester (especially in the late eighties/early nineties), holds a particular fascination for me, so I would read any book on the subject (even one's written by that "twat" Tony Wilson R.I.P.!).

It is shelved on the strength of its subject matter alone (I'm shallow like that).

I will get back to you with a proper critique when I have read all of it!

God Bless -
Stephen

Hi Poppet (great name!)

Thanks for your comments. Well, I live in Manchester and I loved that whole Madchester period and felt I wanted to write about it. Chaz was based on a whole bunch of kids I worked with when i was working as a YTS trainer. It may be brave - probably just foolish, but I will say that the book kick-started my career as a children's writer (I've since published two series of children's books with a major publisher). It did it's job BUT I still have an irrational love of the project despite the fact that nobody seems to want to take a chance on Gobshite.

Philip

Hi Lyra!

Thanks for your comments - and see my previous post for my reaction to the current crop of comments I'm receiving. Only goes to show that my original point is probably a fair one.

Hi Annabelle

Thanks for your comments, much appreciated. I feel I'm being hoisted by my own petard. I put the comment about the unfairness of the system on the forum yesterday and since then Gobshite has received two new (favorable) comments, when it hadn't had any interest for months. This may go to prove my original point. While Gobshite may be unpublishable it is, ironically, the book which kick-started my career as a children's author. Go figure!

Philip

PS. Just had another comment!

Hi Philip. This is a really unique piece of writing. It has such a fresh voice. I'm from the north of England and I get that style straight from the narrative of this character, It reads real, not like how some writer just thinks it should read. The thing I respect most is that you have not shied away from the heart of the story, who the character is. It's easy to drop in the old cliche - he was abused, but you've let the character dictate who he is to us rather than adding a cliche to get reader sympathy. Last note: Love the title. I havent heard the term gobshite for ages, but it is one I'm very familiar with from my days as a kid.

Good luck, backed by me,

Lyra xxx

Hi Philip,
I saw your post on the Forum about Authonomy and dropped by to take a look at your book. I saw that you are a bit disillusioned with system and just want you to know that I have given your book consideration before adding it to my Watchlist - I always do this and of the 10 or so I skimmed last night before going to bed, I only Watchlisted half ;-)

Okay, from my reader's POV, I think this has a good opening. It certainly hooks the reader and I can see your target audience being wowed by it. Chaz is a compelling character, complicated I feel, getting what he wants at a higher cost than most if not all would be prepared to pay. He is every parents worst nightmare of a teenager, insolent and selfish. I like him for the fact that he is so unappealing, he makes me want to read on.

You write well, there is good description which gives the story it's gritty atmosphere. Your dialogue is convincing, though I feel it's a bit sparse - it's very good and more of it would show us more about your characters. There is sometimes a laid back feel to your writing and this works because it makes the horror and violence that is taking place seem all that much worse.

Overall, I feel this is a good read. You have created a brilliant character in Chaz, he reminds me slightly of Laura Jarrett's Sam in her book. I did wonder at times if it was a bit to violent, ie the parents, but then I can be a bit naive and you are published so I think you would know!

I hope that helps a bit, not a technical crit but it is my feelings.
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Philip, I’m no expert so, please just treat me as a reader.

Firstly, I can see why this has been difficult to publish. YA publishers probably, (IMO) have a duty to protect YA readers, especially the vulnerable and easily led. I’m thinking of a possibility of copycat syndrome here; a whole heap of kids killing their parents because they haven’t given them enough pocket money. Now if Chaz had been abused all his life, I would have a lot more sympathy for him. (Maybe that would be too cliched?)

I can direct you to someone who knows a lot about the YA genre - Lallie - author of Freefalling.
Also absolution. Otherwise known as Asbo. He’s the blue guy!
He would probably love this because he breaks every rule going and loves all things different. I’ll give them a shout.
There is also the likeability factor to contend with. To have a kid behave this way, I would expect him to have some redeemable qualities. The simple fact is; Chaz is not at all likeable. There was just one moment where he patted poor old Timmy on the head.

I Laughed out loud at this (talking of Granny)
“Well, she’s sick and she’s started to smell pretty bad. You gonna have her put down?”
I don’t think I’d trust the little bugger to take Timmy to the vet either, I bet he’d put the money in his pocket and drown, shoot or strangle the poor thing.

The above re: granny was in fact the only time I laughed.
It wasn’t as if the parents were that awful, was it? What a dreadful kid. Does he become more likeable as time goes by?
You asked for an honest crit. I delivered. It may not be to your liking, but it is my opinion.
I would have liked to have seen a little more dialogue. When it’s present it’s like a breath of fresh air. Very well written. The entire MS is well written, can’t fault that. I got along quite well with the slang, although I thought it may have been a little OTT. Just a tad too much of it.

Most of the time, I back books that I would buy. I’ll make an exception in this case, not because I want a return backing. I can take as well as give it, honesty that is. (although I would be very interested to see what you think of my work, being a published author and all that) No, I’m backing this because I don’t think the book has had enough reads. I think you need lots of honest comments from readers to be able to decide for yourself why this is the only unpublished MS you have created.
I hope other reviewers will be better equipped to judge you fairly. Shelved.
Sue (A Boy Called George) and
(From Sublime to the Ridiculous)

Your title attracted me. No wonder. Only read the first chapter so far and really enjoyed it. Very powerful. Despite your narrator's insolence, it's hard to reconcile the idea that he killed his parents - for not much of a reason. Of course, that makes me want to find out more, just like he assumes.. :-)

Very intelligent book.

Thanks very much for your kind comments about my work. Much appreciated.

Bloody hell! What a terrific start. I love the character of Chaz. A sympathetic sociopath must be such a tough job for an author to pull off successfully but Philip Caveney has done exactly that. His quirky language is just the icing on the cake: I'm still chuckling to myself at "chesney". :)

Please let's see some votes for this so I can get out and buy a copy and see how it all ends!

Hey Mark, that's brilliant, I'm glad you enjoyed the extract.

I can imagine walking about the room reading at full speed, finishing in one go.

Thanks Ed, I appreciate your comments!

Your title attracted me. No wonder. Only read the first chapter so far and really enjoyed it. Very powerful. Despite your narrator's insolence, it's hard to reconcile the idea that he killed his parents - for not much of a reason. Of course, that makes me want to find out more, just like he assumes.. :-)

Very intelligent book.

Bloody hell! What a terrific start. I love the character of Chaz. A sympathetic sociopath must be such a tough job for an author to pull off successfully but Philip Caveney has done exactly that. His quirky language is just the icing on the cake: I'm still chuckling to myself at "chesney". :)

Please let's see some votes for this so I can get out and buy a copy and see how it all ends!

I can imagine walking about the room reading at full speed, finishing in one go.

Really great. Chaz is a fantastically damaged creation, and the casual horror grabs you from the start. I can't see there being a happy ending for Chaz, but somehow, despite his psychopathic behaviour, you kind of wish for one for him.

Thanks very much for your kind comments. Much appreciated.

Really great. Chaz is a fantastically damaged creation, and the casual horror grabs you from the start. I can't see there being a happy ending for Chaz, but somehow, despite his psychopathic behaviour, you kind of wish for one for him.