The Silver Trumpet

I absolutely loved this. Writing in first person is not my favorite, mostly because it is so difficult (IMO) to pull off well. But you did a lovely job. I love the premise, as well. I am in awe of people who come up with such original (at least to me) ideas. And making time and space so fluid creates a magical story. I read this as a reader, not a writer. I was too engrossed to be cricial. With that said...Loved it! Shelved!

Hi Simon,

The register is perfect for the target age group, the pace is compelling, the characters are accessible, the plot, captivating. You've done a fantastic job - children will love this. I'm only on chapter 6 and will definitely read more tomorrow (too tired to continue tonight). Its going on my shelf.

Best of luck,

Rikki.

Strange notes, mysterious friends, the island, the big house, the little house, secret passages.....a great kids story that you've set up very well. Penelope is a good main character. I can see why this is so popular. It reads just right for your audience and has a great atmosphere. Glad to have it on my shelf.
Jeff

Great story - the kids will love it. Pen is an interesting character. The pace of the story builds up with a magnificent touch of mystery. The use of the notes is a unique way to add further suspense. Page-turner. This deserves a higher ranking. I'm doing my part to put you there. Backed. Casey

Wow...I like it already! I have only read the first chapter and love it! I like that even though she doesn't like her step-mom...she's still respectful towards her. Will keep reading, and shelve it!

A most enjoyable tale and one that I know my grandchildren would instantly enjoy. you write in small bite sized pieces that gives the less competant readers a chance to relax and enjoy the story. Your introduction to the charachters is swift and clean no long fusy descriptions. I hope this does well for you.
Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley

Fantastic and so well written.
Backed (Hope it is returned).
Abel Kane
The Alchemists' Cookbook
Chances
Something Elven

Excellent. Backed with pleasure
Abel Kane
The Alchemists' Cookbook

I would change the beginning of the story. Instead of focusing on the "things were going to get really strange" would just begin with the girl waking up in a new house with her new family and a not so funny April Fool's Joke.
Once you got the characters moving, it got a lot better.

BACKED

I get very little from comments about my own book, nowadays. Some people like it, some don't. Some people are too frightened to leave genuine feedback, while others seek to enforce their own style upon me. I want to get to the Ed's Desk to get professional comment. I would rather spend 30 quid than do all this reading and backing. I have got everything i want out of authonomy community already. So I am backing your book so that you can reach the Ed's desk and get professional feedback, instead of the platitudes and devious backings that account for 80% of backing you recieve. Only 20% of comments are genuine, and will add value to your work.

Now, who am I not to back you? I am not godlike. Your work might be flatly written, unorignal or even down right bad. It could be wonderful. But in my experience, only you can be honsest with yourself about your writing... and that is what matters.

So, I am backing you so you can reach the Ed's desk.


There you are.

BACKED
Hope you recipricate.

FAntastastic!

BACKED

Nice catch and wonderful story. You want to keep your catch in the same tense, such as past tense. How does this sound? The () indicate a change.
()Penny Oaks (felt0 special (when )she (received) notes from a mysterious stranger(,) Ribaldane. Especially as he (needed) her help to find a lost silver trumpet. But then things (went) wrong . . .
Penny is plunged into a magical land of the faerie folk. The silver trumpet is the key to a terrible power that could destroy not only the peaceful folk of the faerie lands, but also the human world.
Sent to recover the silver trumpet, Penny (must confront) all manner of deadly peril(,) including fearsome mechanical monsters, giant beetles and warlike centaurs. It's down to her to save both the human world and the faerie world(.) If (only) she can overcome her fears.

I really love this story so far! I did notice that when you're describing Uncle Peter in the second chapter, do you mean to say a "checkered" shirt instead of a "checked" shirt? Just something that caught my eye and didn't make any sense. Am happy to back and will try to comment more as I read along. But please be patient...I have a lot of catch up to do!
Sarah-Return of the Past

Very rapid fly-past: just to thank everyone who's read and commented on the story. I'm talking to a publisher and am now deep into revisions they've requested, with the aim to have a draft with them for the new year. So fingers crossed. Sorry I don't have enough time now to read more - but please take heart that this is a constructive site and the advice and insight on here really can make a difference. Good luck to you all.

Ah I know you probably won't read this as it looks as if you've gone away from the site but I had to tell you how much I loved it! The notes are just so spine-tingling - scary as anything (and for a moment I thought you might be going too far with your target audience) but then you make it more reassuring - just so nicely pitched.
I love the notes and the way they expand the relationships in this book.
Anyhow, I won't go on. I'll put it on my shelf - for what it's worth - just because it deserves it!
jane
WALKER

The Silver Trumpet,
Simon,
The title caught my eye. My son plays the trombone, so I thought what the heck.
You're pitch is good and once I started reading Chapter one I was very pleased.
What a great and intriguing book. I love the tension and the voice of Pen....very great. I love the hook at the end.. very well done. I'd read more if I had time.
Your target audience will love it. I'm sure.
~Krista Darrach
--Riley's Gift (YA novel)

i really like how your story begins. you are very good at describing things and i can picture everything perfectly. amazing. :)

YA is not my usual genre, but I'm backing this because of its strong narrative drive.

Keep up the good work.

Cheers,
Sheryl (swap reads? Backing optional)

What fun! I've just read c.1 (will read the next two chapters, of course).

My only question is whether the notes are on physical pieces of paper which don't seem to disappear after being read by Pen...if they don't disappear, then wouldn't Pen be able to convince someone that the notes are real even if the content is a practical joke? Just wondering.

On to the next...

Cheers,
Sheryl

Hi Simon,

I've had this on my watchlist for ages but have only just got around to reading it. I think it's a really good premise and I like the idea of Pen receiving mysterious notes in her new house. I also think you handle the way she reacts to them very skillfully, eg watching football in the hope that when she goes back upstairs she will have a new note. The protagonist's voice is quickly established and seems realistic.

The only thing that didn't work for me was around pacing and tension building. As I was reading the first chapter I felt as if I were being yanked into the story rather than drawn into it. I wanted to know more about the house and about the main characters before the notes started arriving. The house is obviously key to the story so I would like to know more about it and how the chararcters feel being there. For me the first note arrives too soon and then there were a few more within the first few pages. I wonder if the note would have more impact if we felt the main characters' nervousness of the new house beforehand? Perhaps the first letter arriving could be the end of chapter one?

Anyway, just a thought - good story that kids will love, so on my shelf.

Good luck,
Rob (The Giant Killers)

Dear Simon,

It's a great set-up, the idea of an unseen someone constantly packing up her suitcase and leaving her farewell notes

Wonderful first chapter. Little girl, no daddy, getting these strange notes and no one to turn to. She's very brave. Little girls who are brave make delightful heroines.

But perhaps she's too brave. She doesn't even recoil when she has to go down those stairs in the Big House in the dark. Or when she can't get out. She shows no fear when she thinks R. will be showing up the night before.

Love the reference to "the revolting Frank"

Funny that R. keeps changing his stationery.
Clever that Penny's measurement of height is how it relates to her; the wall as tall as me.

Chapter 3: Would a little girl use the word "impressive"?

This is an enchanted tale, very well written, full of mystery, with a winning heroine. My biggest concern here is whether the language is at times a bit too sophisticated for her age. (Since you mentioned the audience was aimed for 8-12 year olds, I'm assuming 8?) And tension. There is the looming threat of the Lake, but that's it. R. writes that Pen should use the trumpet only "in the direst need, when all seems lost." Yet Penny doesn't react to this. The idea that there may be a time for dire needs, when all seems lost seems pretty extreme. That said, Shelved!

here's the thing that applies to all stories:

A character finds his or her world out of balance, he spends the story trying to get it back into balance, because, if he doesn't, life will be unbearable. For me, Penny's life is just fine. SHe could give up on the mystery and nothing would have changed, she can carry on with life as normal. Make her suffer early on (and of course, Maggie being an evil stepmum may be too ovbvious), but give her conflict, nock her life out of balance, and then have the mystery as the way out, the answer, the hope of salvation - then we will root for her and really care.

Hope this makes sense.

chapter 4 - there is a strong hint of witness statement here - there are so many scenes you seem to be missing out on and just telling us about - eg, she wants to go exploring, it rains, she is kept inside. This scene could have Maggie being dicatorial, it could have Frank taunting her, it could have her sad and suffering, but instead you just tell us in a paragraph.

Four chapters in now and I really think we need more risk, more of a dilemma for Penny. If she were imprisoned in the little house by Maggie she could have a reason to follow the mystery. The mystery section is fine, the carrot as it were, but where is the stick? It's the stick, the risk, the conflict that this seems to be missing. Course, that is just my opinion

So, I guess my problem is that we don't see Penny in peril before the mysteries begin. No need for it I guess, but ti would add an extra dimension - a children's story with a sad girl who hates being here and then finds another world seems better than a girl who is quite happy finding another world (think Cinderella, think Snow White, think Harry Potter - they are always sad and lost before the action really kicks off).

One other thing, writing in the first person it is very tempting to begin a lot of sentences with "I did this" "Id did that" I walked, I read, I reached out etc

WHen you do this, it gives the narrative something of the witness statement. I would urge you to cut down on the "I" sentences and just show what she sees without the first person pronoun.

So, chapter 2. No real comments here, it is simply and fluently written. I can picture the scene, and it ends on a nice hook. I'm no expert on books for 8 year olds, my kids are too young, but this seems to work very well. (you say "lay" twice re the lake etc).

I take your point about attention spans, but having looked at one again, I still think it is a little rushed. Have a look at Harry Potter, the Lion and witch - you probably already have- but I fairly sure their first chapter allows for just a bit more time. Perhaps it's just that there are too many letters in chapter one. For me, one would have been enough,..

Now, onto 3

Simon, I have just read your first chapter and will read on. It is fluently written and, as I suspected, very reminiscent of Narnia, the slightly archaic setting of large country hourses, the young heroine, the parrallel world. I love the Narnia series as a boy and can see a lot of promise in this. I do, however, have a question: it is a long time since I read the Narnia books, so I cannot recall quite how they began and how long it took Lucy in the Lion and the Witch to first venture into the wardrobe, (and I'm not saying you should crib it of course), but even for a book aimed at young readers, you seem to be in an inordinant hurry for the mystery begin. It feels a little a rushed and perhaps slightly laboured. By way of example, the opening is fine, but then you repeat that the scary stuff is about to begin - why say it twice. You then have the letter almost immediately. I wonder whether you should dedicate most of your opening chapter after the foreshadowing that something scary will happen to establishing your normal world before you reveal the parrallel world - i.e where they are, how Penny relates to her stepbrother etc, how she might be lonely, or miserable, and then, at the end of the chapter, have the letter. Then, in chapter 2, a bit more correspondence with the mystery friend before going to the big house and the adventure beginning. As it stands, I feel we have lacked a chance to identify with Penny's normal world and, equally importantly, the shift to the parrallel world is too quick and a bit forced (one too many letters).

Have a look at the Philosophers Stone, the Lion and the Witch, I may well be wrong, but I suspect both of these dwell a little longer (perhaps just a page or two) on Harry/Lucy's normal circumstances before plunging them into the mystery...

Hope this helps.

Simon,
I have read the first two chapters and I think you have a fantastic tale in a awesome setting. My kids would eat this book up. Your writing is very fluid and the dialogue is perfect in tone and age. I can hear Penelope and the revolting Frank speaking, as easily as my own children. You have nailed this. I tried hard to find fault in your story but I am struggling. The pace is fast enough to hold juvenile interest and even enough not to lose them.
The letters are a great way to hook your audience, I found myself thinking is this a ghost or a corporeal being? Spooky.
Ribaldane is a good name and I was grateful you wrote Pen sounding it out, what an added bonus for those struggling with it! You have put thought into your audience.
I am intrigued by Uncle Peter (reminiscent of Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe), I can't wait to see how he is involved.
I have a few comments for you below, but in keeping with the spirit of your writing, feel free to ignore them.
You definitely deserve to keep climbing, good luck and I am shelving you.


You mention in the 1st chapter “It was kind of a stately home that belonged to some distant relative of Maggie's-he'd given her the job as a cleaner and was letting us live in the Little House.” Giving us an idea of a mysterious relative, then in the 2nd chapter 6th paragraph, you repeat “He was a relative of Maggie's who owned the whole estate, including the Little House. Maggie was going to work for him now dad had gone back to sea.”
The information is relevant but maybe you could move the info from chapter 2 to chapter one, also you give the allusion the relative is unfamiliar, but then he is referred to as Uncle Peter, which seems comfortable. I expected him to be a mystery to Pen, but she had met him before.

2nd chapter 13th paragraph, your tense seems to change here. “The kitchen in the Big House was massive, from when Bradley Hall had loads of servants and people to run it. Now there's just Uncle Peter. (should this be; Now there was just Uncle Peter.) I could see why he needed Maggie to start doing the cleaning for him.”

2nd chapter 14th paragraph, should your period be inside your parentheses? “And that's exactly what I thought to myself 'I may as well have a leaf through this'.”

2nd chapter 16th paragraph, should this be a period or question mark,at the end of her statement? “I wonder if I could borrow a book,” I explained when he asked me why I'd come to see him.
The following three sentences have the same type of comma, just wondering if you meant a period, slip of the finger?

I will continue to read on in between my WL. Once more good luck with publishing.

Sincerely,
Nietsa

Great story! You truly have a way of bringing this story to life. I love childrens books and this is one that I would read to all my kids at school. Keep writing. On my shelf.

Clear, precise, easy to read and what seems like a really good storyline. I haven’t gone down the passage yet, and I am not sure about meeting the Queen. I think I will have to pluck up the courage first, so for now its onto my shelf until the hair on the back of my neck relaxes.

chapters 1-3:

I just finished reading the first three chapters and it was really well written. You were able to keep my interest as a reader going from one chapter to the next. The two main characters seem to be workingo out well and there's a good air of mystery to everything. The ony thing I would like to see later is more development of the revolting Frank to understand more what he's like and her dislike of him, and the same with Maggie. I will try to continue reading more at a later time.

The suspense builds from chapter to chapter and (in ch. 1) from message to message even. I enjoyed this.

Hi Simon, read through to 7 then jumped to 12 to see the difference. All flowing well. Nothing to criticize at all. Scott.

This is really nicely written. Penelope is much braver than I would have been if I'd found those notes! I think children would love this. I know I would have really liked it when I was younger. In fact I like it now! Shelved! Clare

Hello Simon, chapter 1 is excellent. It introduces both the MC and the theme very well and the letter sequence provides a great reason to keep on reading to see what happens next. The only caution I would give at this stage is Frank. I groan when I read yet another bullying child is knocking lumps out of the hero of the story. It is such a cliche. The Silver Trumpet does as yet not have that, and I hope never does. Even so, I find some aspects of him a distraction so far. I've WL'd and will return to Chapter 2 soon.,
Scott.

Hi Simon

A few comments on chapter 2:

This is just a throwaway question, but are you entirely happy with the name "Bradley Hall"? It doesn't sound quite like the name of stately home to me.

"great stone stairs that led to the front door"

Otherwise, great, a smooth read

Nicole

I like the feeling of this story. It's both humorous and intriguing! I had to laugh at Revolting Frank and things like 'it couldn't be a ghost, why would it pack my bag and leave a note'? This sounds very much like a young person speaking and curiously observing her world. I'm backing it!

Hi Simon,

Great opening. The suspense pulled me in right away.

Just my opinions:

But when I got up I saw my bag (was) over by the door – I would delete was, it disrupted the smooth flow.

It had all my stuff in (it)

It had to be the revolting Frank – revolting is not necessary as it’s a repetition and the gesture alone speaks for itself.

She likes us all to have breakfast together – I think you’ve changed tense here. It threw me a little.

Penelope is well portrayed. The narrative voice is very authentic and the dialogue and characters are believable.

The pacing and mystery of the notes kept me glued. You’re writing is alluring and I will be commenting on each chapter as I read on.

Nice ending to the chapter. You are a natural storyteller and after reading the first chapter I’m convinced this will be a wonderful story.

I will place it on my shelf.

Shinzy :)

I really like this. I love the idea of communicating through letters and Penny trying to decode them. Only read a few chapters so far but will be back to read more. Watchlisted, will shelf soon !

What a wonderful story for children of all ages, I'm not 68 any more, I loved all that I read but I must skip away now my tea is ready. On my WL.

Hi Simon.
I didn't know what to think of your book "The Silver Trumpet" when I clicked onto chapter one, especially when you said it was written for children. I could feel how Penny felt when she first moved into the little house and encountered that note for the first time.
We all had our dreams and fantasises as children, and many times remember being in a 'little house' and having such dreams. At the end of chapter one I liked the way you had the reader waiting to know what will happen in chapter two. Best of luck with this story. Terry

Hi Simon

I'm going to comment chapter by chapter as I go along, if that's ok. So, comments on chapter 1:

The idea of their exchanging notes is terrific. And I love the way the story just starts and the background gets filled in naturally as it goes along. The Little House, Big House thing is great as well, and the description of the Little House very evocative. I would have loved this when I was a kid.

Going to watchlist this and keep reading.

Nicole

Hey Simon. This is one of the best stories I've read on authonomy in terms of originality and knowing your target audience. Penelope's voice was spot-on. I could imagine her running back and forth to her room for the letters. In other words you had me engrossed. Hope this gets published. It's on my shelf.
Best of luck, Muhammad

Have read the first three chapters Simon. I am impressed with the skill with which you manage to write from the perspective of a seven year old girl; very difficult to hold the line between the language that the reader feels appropriate for the character, and the language needed to tell your tale fluently. Great job done here.

I cannot keep myself reading at the moment though; there is a lot of repetition to reinforce points (which is probably absolutely right for your target age group), and I cannot help asking myself why there is such an elaborate mystery to find the secret room? Perhaps it's explained later, or perhaps it doesn't matter!

Last point; I am really not sure about the oversize text - but it may be just me! I tend to read really quickly, even if I know as a writer that much effort has been put into every last word and sentence, and it should deserve my patience! What I found was, as I scanned, I kept being drawn to the larger text before I was ready??!


I wish you every success. I would be very surprised if this was not recognised as a very publishable children's book.
Best
Luke Warm

Kids will love this. I teach kids and I will tell them about this. The voice in your writing draws the reader in and is so accessible, engaging and entertaining. Really interesting characters and ideas to be interested in aplenty. And of course as an adult I feel the same way as the kids will. Best of luck with this.

Thanks for a very enjoyable read..........Lovely story. vivid characters, what can I say.

Suggestions.
One detail.. My computer is going slow ,...or is it authonomy..
.When this happens a lot of short chapters is impractical.
Possibly you could put 2 or 3 in one... But that might confuse..

Typo in pitch..perils

I would recommend this to my son, if I could get him off the computer games

Best of luck with it..................Mikey

Simon, I read some of your update. Same story, but a world of difference. You planed the lump and it has a nice flow. The early dialogue is great!
I want to thank you for you comments on Dragon Claus. You were right and I did a major edit
Lynn Miller.

Simon, this may be aimed at children but it's fascinating enough to have adults enthralled as well. I was enthralled, anyway. Love to think of you imagining yourself a little girl. Gorgeous stuff. Still wandering round the old house in my mind. Shelved most definitely.
Lynn

Ribaldane...what a delight, what make a great title too! The silver Trumpet is ace too! I liked this...perfect for children , lovely warmth to it and an exciting start that kids will want to read...onto my shelf !!

Hi Simon,

I've read the first 5 chapters and found this delightful. It moved quickly, and I like that you keep the chapters short -- good for young readers. Pen is plucky and adorable, while still vulnerable and you have me dying to know who Ribaldane is.

Good work! I've dropped you on my shelf.

KinDallas
SWITCH

Hello there, have looked at chapter one - terrific hook straight away, writing notes to a mysterious, unseen friend. What I like about this is that there's great restraint and economy in the writing, but the family and the "revolting" brother-figure are very much there in our minds. An excellent start

P

I absolutely loved this. Writing in first person is not my favorite, mostly because it is so difficult (IMO) to pull off well. But you did a lovely job. I love the premise, as well. I am in awe of people who come up with such original (at least to me) ideas. And making time and space so fluid creates a magical story. I read this as a reader, not a writer. I was too engrossed to be cricial. With that said...Loved it! Shelved!

Hi Simon, a tale about incredible journey, space and distance. I think all of us at authonomy has one silver trumpet called diskette or USB memory which cannot be taken by someone like Ribaldene. The writing is perfect for the youth audience. The idea of liblary containing a magic door is fun, that is very British, we don't have that kind of liblary in Japan (our architecture is new, Japanese would literary build underground tunnels!). I love twist ending or suprize ending, it can grab universal audience. I hope you are writing now.
KM

Hi Simon,
I had a word document open as usual while reading this as I like to take notes as I go. However, reached the end of the first chapter without writing a thing. I think you have a good story here and there's plenty of intrigue to keep the reader locked into the story. I wasn't sure I got enough of a sense of Penny's character as I would've liked from this. I know she doesn't like her half brother and the family set-up but what about her other likes and dislikes? How come she accepts the notes so readily? I think a few small tweaks could create and even rounder character but nonetheless I enjoyed this a lot hence shelved.
Kipper

Congratulations on this, Simon; it certainly seems to have many of the ingredients that children love in a story! I feel incredibly awkward commenting on other peoples work, being unpublished myself, but have made the following observations within the first four chapters (which would be the amount that agents/publishers would look at when submitted). Here’s what I thought:

You write in the first person, which is something I’ve never tried and you do it very well. It can be hard, I think, because you have to stay in the ‘mind’ of the young protagonist, which means that you have to be continually faithful to their outlook on life / speech patterns etc. On the matter of protagonist I’ve no concept of age for her, apart from the references to dolls, maybe 8-10? Also, I’ve no physical description (tall, short, blonde, dark?). This makes me feel a little detached from the character.

I like the descriptions of place, such as the Little House – you remember to include sights AND smells (which is important for me, to add another of the readers virtual senses!).

The repeating notes give an intriguing feel to what or who may be leaving them but does the fact that she has to keep leaving the scene of the strange incidents to await another message drop the tension slightly? I also think that the content of the first letter is slightly ambiguous (“Goodbye little girl”) – the “You have to go away. Before THEY come!” would’ve had more impact as the first contact, I think.

I Liked the “bald as an egg” simile!

I have loved secret passageways ever since reading “The Famous Five” and trying to find doorways in our own house! You have done this scene well, again including additional senses in the description.

You’ve the occasional repetitive word here and there (“bits” repeated a few times in close succession in chapter four when talking about the gates), but this is minimal. The only other observation is that there is little dialogue. This is possibly a result of using the first person, where you don’t have to use conversation to convey what the protagonist is thinking but it meant that although Frank was mentioned a lot I felt that I still don’t know much about him as a character.

I hope this helps, I think you’ve got a great start here – well done!

Cheers,

Lee