This Side of Eden

Derrick,
Wow. This is an amazingly written story. You have such a strong voice for the main character. In the few chapters I have read, I feel like I know him and I am very invested in what happens to him and to Izzie. I love the small details about how he likes to daydream about having a heroic death. It’s an odd little quirk that makes me like him even more. I also love the memories he shares of Eden. Learning that he broke up with her makes me want to keep reading to see how they got married and had a child.

I love the image of wanting to write a poem about freezing to death at the end of Chapter 2. The way you have written that paragraph creates such a strong mental image that I immediately feel for the character. I would love to see this as the first paragraph if the book. That first sentence would be captivating as the first sentence of the book.

From the book’s description, we already know that he can’t save Eden and she dies so I feel like the mentions of her distract me from the story. If you don’t want to draw attention to her death in the beginning, I would not mention her at all. Just have him focus on Izzie and remembering Eden. -Susan

I've only read two chapters but will definitely come back to read the rest.Right from the beginning I have been involved.Your descriptions are so vivid I feel the desolation and the sense of impending death.My heart goes out to him as it must be the worst feeling ever to not be able to save your loved ones.Can't wait to read the rest.Hat off to you.Shelved.

What a unique premise. I love your writing. So smooth and welcoming.
backed
Genevieve

This is really interesting stuff. I have only read the first 3 chapters but I'll definitely come back for the rest when I can. I love the descriptive writing. Can't wait to read more.

This is one fabulous tale of survival - sorry I'm gushing, but when I've enjoyed a story as much as this one, I can't help but gush. Am still a bit teary from reading the last posted chapter... when that boat keeps sailing on and no one seems to see them... well you got me there.

Derrick, are you still around? I see the last comment was left 19 days ago. I promised you a read and am getting to it. I do like the premise of the story and think it has a lot going for it but it does need some strong editing. There is a lot of repetition and some rambling. Nothing that can't be fixed. Did you know Anita Shreve's first book was EDEN CLOSE? It's awfully similar to yours but I suspect a publisher would decide that. Good luck.

Hi Derrick,

A very poignant story. Initially I felt the pace was too slow, but then I assumed you had done this to indicate the constancy of their predicament. I like the shape of this - the survival instinct and flashbacks.

I think it could do with some trimming, especially given that the first three chapters are all an agent would initially read, but on the whole I thought this was a compelling story with depth. Happy to shelve and wish you luck.

Kat

You’ve got a great story here. One man alone in the world, with a twist. And that twist really captures the heart. Izzie the shoe-princess is wonderful and a real little character in her own right here. I like that you tackle the bigger issue head on – the philosophical questions about survival – as well as the practicalities of keeping a small child alive in a barren and abandoned world.

I like the pacing of this your writing, and the flashes back to life with Eden really enhances the whole story. Very enjoyable read, and shelved with pleasure.

I am very impressed. I really enjoyed reading your book & I definitely backed it. It's exciting to see you working on living your dreams. Keep up the good work and let me know how it turns out.

This Side of Eden

Well done Derrick a very intense and emotionally-drenched piece, like the main protagonist can imagine the while piece set to Elgar's Cello concerto. You have created, like his fantasies as a child, a slow motion version of dying as cold and clinical as the Alaskan wilderness it takes place in. Echoes of Misery in terms of the vicious focus inside one person's head, it is an interesting head and he has interesting thoughts, but the unrelenting grimness of it had me turning away a few times. I suppose you can take that as a compliment but I did think at times the suffering of the little girl was just too painful - again there is a compliment in there.

You tell a tale where nothing really happens extremely well, it all unfolds between his ears and you have achieved quite something here - a lyrical, poetic description of slow-motion dying that is very readable and compelling. I wanted to know what happens, that too must be another good sign. I did not have time to read all of it, although I wanted to, so I will be back I am sure. I know you have gone for the romance tag and I am sure this is right, literary fiction as well, but there is also a slow, pulsing extended horror about this piece, like the force that turns people's heads when they drive past car wrecks...you have plugged into that primeval fascination with other people's deaths...

Backing this, best of luck, you deserve to be published...I am sure you have got around this and I didn't get to the end so you can rightly so, no, wait...make the effort come back and read it...but I sense that the main protagonist dies, that possibly the little girl survives somehow and we know Eden died...intrigued as to how you got around the first person narrator thing...you know...the old chestnut of, if he is writing the story, he can't die at the end...

Best wishes, thank you for posting, enjoyed thoroughly and also learnt a lot - Andrew W.

This is an interesting idea though I felt that the start was rather slow and tended to overplay things and that somehow I wasn’t involved with the story. You need to pay attention to typos – “when I was I child” in the first paragraph, there’s also a “laying” that should be a “lying” a “you’re” that should be a “your” -- plus "seers" is a noun, I think you mean "sears".

You may have something here but right now it needs a stiff edit both to correct errors and to tighten the flow of the story. Best of luck with it.

Derrick,
You and I both know that I do not read much; however, I loved this book! It's well written and it is easy to picture yourself in the setting. Hope you get this thing published!
Love, Diana

Hi Derrick - I read the first two chapters yesterday, and came back to read the third today. Something tells me that this wasn't an easy book to write. Not because the writing isn't lucid and and polished, but because you must have spent many hours putting yourself, imaginatively, in a horrendous situation.

When I'm reading books on this site, I try to put the blurb out of my mind and concentrate on the body of the text. So I'm three chapters in and still don't know what's actually happened, why father and infant daughter are lost by a lake in Alaska, and what became of Eden. That alone provides an incentive to read on, especially as, little by little, a picture of Eden emerges. A fine woman. But I'm also taken by the pain - the aching feeling - of the 'flashbacks' to the early days of their relationship. There's a lot of pain in this book, it seems to me.

As far as the writing goes, the only thing I must point out - I think this happened once in each of the chapters so far - is your substitution of 'you're' for 'your'. Otherwise, the writing is pretty crystalline, and it takes us right into the mind, the thoughts, the memories, of your narrator.

I confess that I've found myself in two minds about this one. Like I said, the writing is impressive - and I especially enjoyed the flashbacks, because I think you capture the confusion, the whole difficulty, of being in love. You create a very loveable character in the form of Eden, and you convincingly portray the struggle of the (adolescent?) male to cope with his feelings towards her. He's constantly rejecting her because he knows that, if he gets too close, and then loses her, he'll be damaged.

But, much as I admire your writing, there's a torture involved here. Part of it (I'd say) comes from not knowing what accident, what mishap, has left them in this predicament. And part of it is the horror of the situation, and the fact that your main character is so ill-equipped to deal with it. This makes it a rather unusual offering for Authonomy. It feels like a sustained lament.

Now, I wouldn't hold that against you, particularly when you write so well - so lovingly, but also with the objectivity required for good writing - so I'm inclined to back this. But it's not an easy read. You have my admiration for tackling it with such commitment.

Best wishes,

Simon

Dear Derrick,


The software on this place gives a lot of trouble. Right now, I’m unable to increase your point size above 10. Others have complained they can’t open my manuscript at all. In the mean time, This Side of Eden is on my bookshelf and I can at least read pitch and synopsis.

I do like your pitch and the concept very much. Intriguing and the only one of its kind on Authonomy.

Editors won’t like your synopsis. They need information about the tale quickly. They do require a succinct summary. Beginning, middle and end. They do need to know how the story ends. I admit that my own synopsis is inadequate.

Now to try and increase the point size. No plus symbol on the right hand side. Dragged it across. But it jumps back again. Left you a message. Checked my own site. Came back here and everything OK, now.

Poignant……… I think about that (one) time……. perhaps delete ‘one’…….. read it three times to be sure…….. ‘one time’ reads as if you thought about it once only…….. second one time reads OK……… I like this writing……… but then I’m a softie…….. soft, gentle writing……….

Nice work……… I chuckled at the gallant teenager rescuing the girl…….. very funny now, but as a teenager I (day)-dreamed the same thing…….. charming…….. I have only read a few paragraphs, but I find this very beautiful……..

I’m falling in love with Eden……….. I do like this very much, but just a thought, it might go on a bit too long. Don’t change anything, but overwriting is a big problem among us………..

This is coming from the heart…….. the girls will swoon……….. right now, I’m promoting my own stuff as women’s fiction……. they have been very much kinder to me than the males……… this has to be literary fiction?........ I didn’t check………….

David, this is exquisitely beautiful……….. I admire you……….. I cannot fault the writing…….. I thought above, that the first section went on a bit long……… I no longer think so. But I leave that thought there, because I find with my own stuff, the more I take away, the better it gets.

Go well with your work, sir. It is among the best I have seen on Authonomy.

Kind regards,


Pierre.

Hi Derrick,
Great opening chapter. I loved the way you built up to your narrator's current situation through flashbacks to his childhood and adlescent dreams of dying a hero. The writing is engaging and smooth. Well done. Goes on my wl as I plan to read on.
All the best,
Edith

Derrick,
I intended to go through a couple of pages as I had an appointment - I missed the appointment because I couldn't take this novel with me. Beautifully written, sensitive, can't wait to read the rest! - Sheila

The Panic Room to my Home Alone - the grown up serious version of the God in the Tree with added romance and adult themes.

This is very good. I'm not sure how good because although it was superbly written, elegiac and delicate, it was just a little too...serious for my tastes. Now I know this sounds like a hack at the end of a Mozart concert saying "too many notes Wolfgang...” but I guess amongst the fantastic writing it felt cold and abstract.

Perhaps if I'd read on then there would have been more warmth and humour but here in the first few chapters it all felt just a little too detached and clinical for me...

The idea is superbly handled it has to be said and the emotional dynamic was well served...but a funereal feeling pervades the whole piece and I found that ever so slightly emotionally stand-offish. It made the novel very difficult to engage with.

I'm shelving this because I think as a piece of writing it deserves the exposure. .but hey Mozart....not enough jokes.

Cheers

Ebbsy

This is beautifully written. The theme is very unusual and the flashbacks are smooth. The man's fantasies are wild, but believable too. The writng sets the right tone. It it taut and descriptive. Being an opera lover, I love his dream about heroics at the opera.

I've got a full shelf but this is going on my WL till I make room.

Best wishes, Joanna

Hi Derrick,

Thanks for the story. It's a fine premise, as others have said. I find the ending a bit cloying, the blod clot is like a deus ex machina. If you have time I'd be curious to hear what you think of my novel, A MEANING FOR WIFE, as it's a semi-similar situation -- a man (second person narration) is dealing with the sudden death of his wife and having to be single parent to a toddler. All best to you, Mark

I have to say this is really good. You can lose yourself in the main character. He speaks just like one would speak about their lost love and their love of their off spring. This is great. I love it.

Blimey. You don't half throw the emotion at us do you? The voice you're using is certainly powerful, comes right at you and involves the reader at a very personal level. I like how you have gone straight in for the kill, cut out any info dump [which I'm apparently wasting my first chapters with], and basically pulled your reader in from the get go. Your language is very emotive, it flows very fluently and if you could imagine your words as pictures they'd run like waves, smooth and subtle. I've only read up to chp8, but I'll try to keep going, I'm reading at uni! [eeee....]. All in all, a wonderfully written and poweful story. x

This is going straight on my shelf! Anyone with kids or grandchildren will feel the emotion. I have a little shoe princess of my own, I'd really love to show you a photograph of her wearing a handbag and a pair of 5 inch heels. How do they do it? I predict a number one spot with this beautiful but tragic story and would buy it - no question about it.
Fantastic, I love it!
Sorry I'm lost for words.
Sue

Hi Derrick. Your style expresses a sensitivity for life. I appreciate your protagonist's inner battle with God and his determination to protect his child. Shelved. Janet Marie. PS. in chapter one there is a typo "I am I". Good luck.

The first chapter alone struck me personally. For two reasons:

One, I'm a dad, and seeing a father and his daughter in danger hits home pretty hard, especially when the narrator's love for his wife and child comes through so well in your writing.

Second, his teenage daydreams of heroism and dying remind me of my own youth, because I would fantasize in a similar way. I never actually pictured my own death, but the saving people in ridiculous situations was the same. Especially the Cuban terrorists -- did you ever see the movie Red Dawn?

Hi Derrick!

Writing a novel in first person is a challenge, one you are obviously up for. I don't usually like a first person perspective, but your skill with introspection is truly commendable! You draw the reader right into the protagonist's mind. Good job!

But, perhaps a little too introspective for a first chapter. Readers do not always give us, authors that is, much time to grab their attention. Once we establish the readers' interest, then I think they'll allow us a bit more time to decorate the pages with colorful words.

Your storyline is compelling, and I definitely want to know more.

An observation on the mechanics; you switch tenses frequently, from present to past to present. . .disconcerting to the reader. Also, "I think about that one time, that one time Eden was lying next to me. . . ." The verbs to lie and to lay are rather bothersome in their usage. Drives me nuts sometimes!

This one goes on my shelf!

Lots of luck,
Catherine

Hi Derrick,
What do I want to say here - some wonderful language - 'I could feel her smile on my finger-tips' / 'wind kisses the water's surface'
A heart-rending story, beautifully written, I already feel I'm beginning to know your mc and Izzy and have huge sympathy for them and for the wife who died.
There are some issues - repetition eg of 'smelling of roses' (4times) / and of 'desire to be loved' (x2)
And (for me) his dreams of being a hero are too laboured - too many of them.
But with a prune this can shine, because the quality is there.
On my shelf,
Margaret
PS I'd love you to take a look at Munro's Choice, thanks.

Greetings Earthman!

I am watching 'Eden' (the book) I need to do it justice. It's obviously a book that should be published.

Catcha later

Neal

PS the Greetings Earthman thing was a bit of joke: I wasn't being serious.

you writing reminds me of a kid let loose in sweet shop. You obviously love words and have so many ideas and images you want to convey - but by writing about everything, ideas going off in tangents about survival programmes, and cussing etc you are reducing the impact of your prose. Again in this chapter, i was perturbed by the past scene, i don't care that he ended it with Eden (because clearly they got together in the end), but i do want to know how he and his daughter are going to survive, and i do want to know how they got there and why they don't have flares etc. This chapter centres on his inability to make a fire and protect his daughter, keep it tight and focused. And i still want to know what actually happened, why they are not injured, what happened to Eden. And i would like to see more interaction between him and his daughter - so far she has been asleep for the first two chapters.

you would think i don't like it with all my critical comments - but i do like the idea and i do like the voice of the father - i just feel it is being drowned. Rein it in! good luck!

Having just read chapter one - my first thought is - it is seriously overwritten. Take the opening scene about wanting to be a hero (tell me a kid/ teenager that hasn't had those fantasies) - but the point is, because we have all experienced this you can afford to keep the writing tight and minimal. I would go for one image, maybe the one in the opera/ theatre as that introduces his love for Eden. The italics stuff, works well at the beginning, i would cut the second one (maybe bring them in later when the story has got going). And Eden smelling of oranges, is, well a bit odd and definitely over egged - once is enough. For me the writing came alive in the interactions with his daughter the shoe princess (though again i felt this was slightly overwritten). But the most frustrating thing about this opening is i don't know what has happened - at all (except for what the pitch tells me). I would suggest, hinting a little more at this, maybe as the chapter end.

i will read the next chapter and come back with any further thoughts i have. I think this has the potential to be wonderful, but you've got to rein yourself in a bit - hope my thoughts help.

Derrick,
Wow. This is an amazingly written story. You have such a strong voice for the main character. In the few chapters I have read, I feel like I know him and I am very invested in what happens to him and to Izzie. I love the small details about how he likes to daydream about having a heroic death. It’s an odd little quirk that makes me like him even more. I also love the memories he shares of Eden. Learning that he broke up with her makes me want to keep reading to see how they got married and had a child.

I love the image of wanting to write a poem about freezing to death at the end of Chapter 2. The way you have written that paragraph creates such a strong mental image that I immediately feel for the character. I would love to see this as the first paragraph if the book. That first sentence would be captivating as the first sentence of the book.

From the book’s description, we already know that he can’t save Eden and she dies so I feel like the mentions of her distract me from the story. If you don’t want to draw attention to her death in the beginning, I would not mention her at all. Just have him focus on Izzie and remembering Eden. -Susan

I am thoroughly impressed. You're ability to draw me in was hypnotic. The story just flows so smoothly I'm almost not aware of it. If there were mistakes, I have no idea! It's that good. (Jealousy seeps into my veins.) Wonderful. Truly.

Shelved.
Ray

This is fantastic. I really enjoyed the chapters I read. You write beautifully. I shall come back to read more but for now I am going to put this on my shelf.

Paul House (Common Places)

Hey Derrick,

What can I say? This is probably one of the most emotive, powerful books on here and I don't say that lightly. You capture the little nuances that reel the reader in and make them FEEL. Izzie's shoes, the backflashes about Eden and their snippets of conversation, trying to make sparks from rocks, sitting out in the cold for inspiration for a poem and not being able to endure it...

One of my first thoughts reading this was that I wanted a little more information up front, like how he and his daughter ended up in this predicament, but then I realized the fact that you were slowly feeding it to me was what made me read on and not want to stop.

Only two small niggles that I can think of. One is purely technical - there are a few places where the dialogue punctuation needs fixed, which is no big deal (you sometimes have "XXX[." S]he said., which should be "XXX[," s]he said. ) The other one is that in the opening when he's reflecting on his heroic/morbid dreams, I think you could probably trim this section down somewhat to carry the reader into the meat of the story sooner and keep the momentum going. It does serve to very effectively and ominously foreshadow what is to come, but there's probably more here than is needed. Just a suggestion.

Making that emotional connection with readers is one of the most powerful tools a writer can possess and you accomplish that admirably. It's almost something innate and you, for sure, have it. Get that law degree, but do keep on writing! Shelving this.

All the best,
Gemi

Wow,

I was not quite expecting such movement in the first chapter alone. I almost cried, but the 'shoe princess' saved me with a laugh.

You're on my shelf, I'll be reading more...

MAP

I've only read two chapters but will definitely come back to read the rest.Right from the beginning I have been involved.Your descriptions are so vivid I feel the desolation and the sense of impending death.My heart goes out to him as it must be the worst feeling ever to not be able to save your loved ones.Can't wait to read the rest.Hat off to you.Shelved.

Derrick you write with a masterful and elegant style. I added to my book shelve and will read more soon. Congrats on a very impressive story!

I had the same problem. Lost eight backings! Of course I will back your's again.

Beautiful story. There is no love like he love of a parent for a child. Your story shows heart. I backed it,