Heritage

Hi Dan, I read the tag words! Though I sometimes wish no-one else does, as I put in some downright silly ones. How are you doing? Here's some thoughts on chapter one: Enthralling action, very immediate. A very strong battle sequence to start with, and also colourful characters in the drunken priest, the empress and her protector. Some people take comparisons the wrong way, so I hope you won't be offended by me saying that this reminds me of David Gemmell. I am a big fan of his work, so that's a big compliment from me. It's fantasy but has a grounding in reality, too - there's clerics rather than wizards, and court intrigue as well as fight scenes and action. I would be intrigued to see how the characters and the plot lines diverge, and to see who's still standing at the end.

One criticism; I think your use of dialect is a bit restrictive (but I have come to think this of most dialect, just a personal preference), especially in the berserker in the opening pars. Also I think your blurb could do with being a bit more focused - or a bit more vague, one of the two. Apart from that, a good solid read. Enjoyed this

P

This is awesome. Your style is nearly impeccable, and the theme reminds me of the pulp 70's-80's sci-fi/barbarian novels I used to read at work. Your imagery, amazing. I hope you get published, because you deserve it.

Dan,
I love this. My first question is why the hell isn't this in a bookshop already? Each line deserves to be there. The dialogue, internal and external, is perfect for the time. And (not to be too flowing over this, but damn, you know what you're doing) the descriptions are brilliant to cupping Boke's bearded face to the long ears of the Abbot. If you self publish, let me know. I want a copy to read properly.
Shelved.
Lisa
PS I read the tags.

Heritage is a strongly sensual experience. The reader is quickly surrounded by the textures of the characters lives. It’s a gritty hard world, depicted with a realism that is seldom seen in fantasy literature.

Very well done.

Jeffrey Miller
DOOR : Riversea

This is very good , Dan. Do keep going - somethimes it's difficult, but in your case it's well worth the effort. Bon chance (I'm in France just now) Phil.

This is a well written opening chapter, and the pitch really makes you want to read on. Shelved.
Ed (Mutant Toe)

Dan, this is interesting. Very well written, and with lots of excitement and action. I was a little irritated by the way you write some of the dialect stuff (t', y', w'me) it doesn't look or read right to me. On my shelf for a bit.

Dan - as promised, my friend. I enjoyed this as much, if not more, than other fantasy works I have read on here. (Have you dropped by Gina Adam's (tadhgfan) 'Escaping Reality'? If not, do so. She'll return the read, I'm sure. Just tell her I sent you over.) Here are my random thoughts:

- Like most starts that begin with the definite article, as if the reader is already there and knows which horse already. Nicely done;
- Your dialogue is indeed excellent, but I found the " t' "s and " y' "s (although authentic for your dialects, to be sure) off-putting. They slowed down my reading and it felt more stunted than your otherwise flowng prose should allow. A personal thing, I'm sure;
- "wolf skin": I'd be inclined to make that one word;
- this whole opening section is fantastic. I want to get back to the berserker asap;
- love the authentic-sounding references that really draws us in to your lovely world: 'ten bells' / "three hairy balls" &c.;
- the mingling of more modern curses works really well: "cack", "buggers" &c.

In short, sir, sterling work. I shall give you a leg up with a spell on my shelf. Best of luck with it - sestius

Hi,
Read the first chapter and wanted to say I enjoyed the action. The fight is nicely described and vivid. I don't think this belongs in the chick-lit section. Well written, great dialogue interesting story.
Well done,
Backed.
Fred

Hi Dan,
Love the colourful language and the strong women. I once considered writing a novel in Yorkshire Dialect but chickened out because I spent more time trying to work out how to spell sentences than in writing them. I would like a little more description between the action as I like to understand the world, but I'm only on chapter one so that's probably unfair. I shall be back to read more when I find the time.

Keep up the great writing

John

Hi Dan,
Love the colourful language and the strong women. I once considered writing a novel in Yorkshire Dialect but chickened out because I spent more time trying to work out how to spell sentences than in writing them. I would like a little more description between the action as I like to understand the world, but I'm only on chapter one so that's probably unfair. I shall be back to read more when I find the time.

Keep up the great writing

John

Dan,

Well done. You show the berserker well. The writing is fluid and descriptive and I'm thinking you're pulling in some good European mythology and early history into this story...and it works.
Two suggestions. I don't get your book cover. Maybe you might tweak it a bit to pull people in more.
Your pitch gets bogged down in too much detail. If you could make it a little more theme oriented, more overarching, I think it would entice people more. I think those two things would get you more reads.
On my shelf. Good luck with this.
Jeff

Comment on Chapter 1

The first part, with Boke, didn't seem to read too smoothly. Did you maybe write that first? The rest seemed to lose the awkwardness, as if you'd got into stride.

The dialect of your dialogue was effective, JUST on the side of being too affected, so good work there. The characters and scenes worked well, and you didn't hammer us with too many concepts and strange names. Quite often with these books I'm left reeling with backhistory of battles fought and won, six types of magic, and so on, but that isn't the case here.

The only minor issue I have is you maybe have too many POV characters first up. It might work better to concentrate on one or two per chapter for the first few chapters: then, once you've established everybody in the reader's mind, you can chop and change at your leisure.

Chapter 2

You use "illustrate" twice in a few paragraphs.

The dialogue and storyline works well here. I noticed a POV change when Boke's wife goes to bed. Not a big deal if you do this sort of thing consistently. Sticks out if you just do one out of the blue. Ends on a great hook.

Time constraints mean I have to leave it there. But I've seen enough to put this on my revolving shelf.

Regards,

TomW

Hey Dan,

Here are some more comments. When I started reading this, the story felt awfully familiar and yes, I found my own comments below, and remembered this book. One thing I really love about sites like this is seeing work improve, and this has indeed improved SO much now you've cut. The plot moves, I can follow the events without feeling narrated at, and the characters come out so much better.
That, of course, doesn't stop me making more comments, but they are now much less serious.
The main comment I'd like to make is that I'm not always clear who does what due to pronoun confusion. For example in the bar scene, there are a lot of men, and when you say 'he', I'm not always sure who you're referring to. In the first scene I wasn't always sure who was speaking. I found the first line of heavily accented dialogue very un-lady-like until I realised it was probably not the wife speaking but Boke.
Plot-wise, I'm wondering about that first scene. I'm not sure it does enough to connect it with the other scenes in the chapter. The other scenes connect up by the mention of names (I loved the spoilt brat empress), but that first scene was the odd one out. Give us some connection between that scene and the others.
I also feel you could stay in the POV of your characters a bit more. Show us the scene as if you were the character.

Tsk, tsk, language!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love it! Coming back for chapter 2 through 6 to see exactly where you're going!
On my WL! And keeping an eye...
Elaina

Hi Dan, I read the tag words! Though I sometimes wish no-one else does, as I put in some downright silly ones. How are you doing? Here's some thoughts on chapter one: Enthralling action, very immediate. A very strong battle sequence to start with, and also colourful characters in the drunken priest, the empress and her protector. Some people take comparisons the wrong way, so I hope you won't be offended by me saying that this reminds me of David Gemmell. I am a big fan of his work, so that's a big compliment from me. It's fantasy but has a grounding in reality, too - there's clerics rather than wizards, and court intrigue as well as fight scenes and action. I would be intrigued to see how the characters and the plot lines diverge, and to see who's still standing at the end.

One criticism; I think your use of dialect is a bit restrictive (but I have come to think this of most dialect, just a personal preference), especially in the berserker in the opening pars. Also I think your blurb could do with being a bit more focused - or a bit more vague, one of the two. Apart from that, a good solid read. Enjoyed this

P

Dan

Great introduction. Show the scene introduce the characters and their relationship, everything sweet, then bam, beserker mode.

Nicely written. You are creating a very visual story. Each section develops different characters, creates a scenario, and moves to the next. I like the dialogue. Nice touches of humour and the expected interplay of dialogue between soldiers, etc. It works well. Sometimes a little wordy, but I probably say that because I like spare writing. I think this sometimes slows down the flow.

Overall, it’s nicely written – a good fantasy, action, adventure. Something many people (including myself) would enjoy reading. Shelved.

I've read the first two chapters and this is a great tale. Description of the Eater of m Men with his 'long string of transluscent saliva' spooling to the ground is terrific.

I'll be back to read more very soon.
PS I never read the tags.

loved the pitch. it's well written(although i hate some of the language-but feel free to ignore my opinion) pacey, good characters, good story.

not really my thing if i'm honest, but i'm sure there's a huge market out that this appeals to.

and I'm not Buttercup, but I have watchlisted your book.

I find the dialogue hard to read, especially the cursing. It feels made up, rather than flowing naturally. Then look at the descriptions. In the first paragraph, Boke Ana rides a 'horse', which we then discover to be a stallion. Just call it a stallion, eliminate 'horse', and make the sentence flow better.

Later on Boke slices someone across the face with his sword, splitting his tongue. How does he know? He whacks the guy, who staggers off with blood pouring out, on to the next. Don't slow it down.

I think you've got something with potential here, but it needs work. It probably seems unending (it does with mine) but keep going!

Hey Dan, you set things up very nicely. I enjoyed the pace, the visuals, the lively dialog. I don’t read a lot in this genre so I can’t offer a valid critique of your characters or their motives/travails. What I do know is that the narrative kept me turning the pages. Nice one! andy

Hi Dan, I read the first part, and think you have a good, full-blooded style which reads like a vivid and action-packed comic book, and fits your story very well.

I don't normally read fantasy, so my criticisms may be irrelevant. but they fall into three areas:
1) POV is pretty well inside Boke Ana's head at the beginning. But then you talk about boulders from the "distant volcanic past" - did they really have that understanding of geology? If not, reframe the description in his terms. But if they did, then the "jagged cliffs of ancient rock" is a problem, as jagged = uneroded = young. When you establish POV, live inside it with all descriptions.
2) He cleaves a guy's head down to the teeth, the guy collapses - OK - but this knocks over two fighters? I can't see it. Humour is one thing, but it needs to be a little more believable unless you want to describe their collapse in more detail as elaborate slapstick.
3) "The runner's information describing the cause..." The cause? Of what? The not infrequent murders? Or, before that, the high tempers? Or, before that, the pressgangs? Or, before that, the talk of them? Or, before that, the brawl? I reread the whole thing, and wasn't sure, but then read on to discover that it was the brawl. I think you got carried away somewhere in there - if you'd said the "cause of the brawl" it would have helped, but it was a stretch to remember the brawl at all by that point.

Not my style, but full of ribald humour, and solid, consistent. I'm backing it.

Good luck,

Robin (The Gospel According to the Romans)

This is awesome. Your style is nearly impeccable, and the theme reminds me of the pulp 70's-80's sci-fi/barbarian novels I used to read at work. Your imagery, amazing. I hope you get published, because you deserve it.

Hi Dan
Just finished reading this (I'm a slow reader), and I must say that I enjoyed it very much. It's well paced, full of action, easy to read, populated by delightfully earthy characters and spiced with colourful dialogue. I do, unfortunately, keep getting a bit confused with the characters' names, but I think that is my problem rather than yours.
The parallels with Beowulf are perhaps a bit too close for comfort, but well done nonetheless, though a bit more description of the monster wouldn't go amiss. Sometimes you allow some quite modern idioms to slip in, and there are occasions when the dialogue feels rather Wild Western. There are also a few typos you could do with correcting, but I can't remember where they are, sorry.
Overall I thought it was very good, and now I am quite keen to know what happens next!

Hi Dan.
This is great - lots of action, intriguing plot, good pace.
I love your characters because they are convincing and memorable.
Although this is a gripping yarn, I do like your touches of humour which lighten the prose now and again.
You create the right atmosphere for your story and I felt that I was almost there.
Will leave any nit-picks to others.
I enjoyed this and wonder why it has a red arrow? On my shelf!
Best wishes,
Annabelle
(Look forward to your thoughts on 'Adelaide' ;-))

Dear Dan,


Yes, I read the tag lists. Heritage is on my bookshelf, but I am going to look for opportunities to improve it. Lots of people will tell you it’s good. Let’s see whether we can make it better.

Your pitch is generic and might apply to a number of books. Rather than telling the editor what it’s about, you should tell her what it is. Be specific to your unique story. As stories are about people, you might focus on your main character.

Who is your protagonist? No indication in your synopsis. I suggest you focus on him or her facing the problem, the conflict and what they do about it, and what happens in the end. A full summary.

Your presentation in line-space paragraphs is good.

Nice noun ‘scree’ absolutely correct. I would go easy on the adjectives. Nice dialogue cum dialect.

May I suggest that….. The merriment stopped. Period. Is stunning and……. Trouble had found them weakens the scene that follows because it steals its thunder..

This is reading well. Some of the longer sentences could be pruned to make them tighter.

Would like to hear the language used in that fight. You’re describing it a little too much from a distance.

Into Hass’ bad night and paragraphs beyond. HC might bitch that this is narrative story telling and they want it acted by the characters.

The dialogue, when it is introduced, is very good. Would like to see more of it.

But the writing is good, clean, uncluttered and moves fast.

OK, I have read a lot more now. My suggestion is that there is lots of opportunity here to act this out more and narrate it less.

I wouldn’t do anything now. See what other comments you get. Take note of character driven stories when you come across them.

There are some general notes I made on writing which I’ll append to this. There may be something in there for future work or work in progress.

Go well with your writing.

Kind regards,


Pierre.





Appendage to critique.


Somerset Maughan said there are three rules for writing a successful novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. Correct. There are no rules for creativity.

There is one criterion though. Entertainment. Period.

In my experience of writing three novels three and four times each. One published. One junked. And the third draft of Fig Tree rejected ninety times. That’s why the fourth draft is uploaded here and also sitting with an agency in San Francisco…………. this is what we should strive for.

Plunge directly into the story. Do not set the scene first. When we go to a play and the curtain rises, we don’t see stage hands putting the props in place. The stage is already set. Likewise when we present our work to the reader, the actors should immediately get on with it..

Let our characters drive the story-telling via dialogue, interplay and direct action. It’s stupid (although I am guilty of this) to have a stage set and gormless characters frozen, while an off-stage narrator bores the audience with what is supposed to be happening on the stage.

Write minimal words, because our readers’ brains race ahead of our words, visualizing the scene themselves, anticipating how our sentences end……… four times faster than they are reading. They are bored and frustrated by our overwriting.

Write tight, sparse, lean, stark, bare bones. Adjectives and adverbs are for people who can’t write, who need a crutch to support their unimaginative nouns and verbs.

Buy a copy of an absolute treasure, Roget’s Thesaurus. It’s a real work-horse and a delight to use. It provides thousands of alternative words. Appropriate nouns and verbs are there for the picking.

I am open to criticism on the above. It is just how I think.

Hi Nick,

First off, thanks for taking the time to give such measured feedback. It's always helpful to be challenged by someone who has a completely different slant on things as it helps you to justify in your own mind the decisions that you've made.

I'm trying to tell the story from an observer's POV, rather than any one person while giving the reader enough freedom to come to their own conclusion. The 3rd Century is not a timeframe, it is military organisation, i.e. the third hundred of the ninth Legion and the choice of modern language is a concious one. I'm not a fan of thee's & thou's.

Regarding the bandits, the initial setup shows that they're not exactly wolves of the forest. As such, their leader would have to lead by example to get them to do anything. He's also the only one that Boke can clearly see has had any training.

I've cut a fair amount of description in favour of pacing on the advice of a number of Authonomy contributors. I know from reading your work that you prefer world building though, so I appreciate where you're coming from. I've just chosen a different path.

Cheers,

Dan

Dan,

Just finished the first chapter of Heritage and here are my thoughts. Please remember, my comments are just that, comments based on my taste, and experiences as a readers and writer. Please feel free to ignore anything you can not accept...

PoV...I had a problem here. In the first transition, you establish Boke as the PoV telling the story but by the last two paragraphs you are into his wifes PoV without any transition. You have four transition shifts of scenes with different PoV's commanding each one. This is a lot of PoV shifts within any chapter and by the end of the chapter, I was never sure who is going to be telling me the story, who to connect with or who the good and bad guys truly are.

Scenes...I think you are rushing each scene and do not do enough to world build. While you have some good images of the country side or tavern, it is not enough to put me into your world. Again, I think you are rushing the four scenes to get to the story...but I am not sure an agent or editor is going to wait to find out what the story is and who is telling it.

Grammar,...mostly good, but you have issues with passive grammar in places, over use of adverbs or adjectives where not needed as well as mixing of modern grammar with the time period...IE...

"Then we ain't never goin' back." While ain't is acceptable today, ain't to too modern a slang for the 3rd century in my humble opinion and takes experienced reader out of the period.

Motivations and Response...or order of things...IE...

Their leader was the shortest... Ok, how does Boke know this person is the leader? This is where you the writer have stepped in and start telling the story for Boke. If Boke suspects this short guy is the leader, then show us something, such as Boke's internal thoughts because this guy steps out front. But even that can not allow you to know for sure that he is the leader, as the leader might put the dumbest guy out front while he stands back to observe or direct.

The Bandit leader sized up his catch greedily... OK, in Boke is the PoV, how does he know what the Bandit leader is doing? Again this is the writer stepping in for Boke because he does not know how to show... No offense, but like I said before, you are rushing the story and using passive shortcuts.

The tobacco smoke inside made his eyes sting... Tobacco? Ok, for 3rd century, tobacco would mostly be piped, and very expensive. Even so, sting his eyes, over the smoke of a fire pit, oil lamps, candles, sweat, damp earth is the floor is earth, vomit, beer....ok,...the point being, Tobacco is something you chose as is your right, but I can think of more odors that would be pronounce than tobacco alone...there would be a mixture of odors.

I think you know the story you want to tell, and I like the premise of the story. But as is, the writing is passive in many places, the grammar off here and there, and the pacing so fast as to leave the world building in vague images, incomplete. My suggestion, pick a PoV, and start the story with this PoV, build the world and use no more than 2 shifts per chapter. Fill out your images and think of the motivation and response units for each sentence, paragraph and scene.

Wish I could have given a better review, but I do want to help and not just back someone for the hell of it. Of course, as I noted before, these are only my comments and you are of course, free to ignore if you do not agree. Other wise, I will keep on my W/L for now and come back later to read chapter 2. Best of luck...

Nick Anthony

Dan,

Just finished the first chapter of Heritage and here are my thoughts. Please remember, my comments are just that, comments based on my taste, and experiences as a readers and writer. Please feel free to ignore anything you can not accept...

PoV...I had a problem here. In the first transition, you establish Boke as the PoV telling the story but by the last two paragraphs you are into his wifes PoV without any transition. You have four transition shifts of scenes with different PoV's commanding each one. This is a lot of PoV shifts within any chapter and by the end of the chapter, I was never sure who is going to be telling me the story, who to connect with or who the good and bad guys truly are.

Scenes...I think you are rushing each scene and do not do enough to world build. While you have some good images of the country side or tavern, it is not enough to put me into your world. Again, I think you are rushing the four scenes to get to the story...but I am not sure an agent or editor is going to wait to find out what the story is and who is telling it.

Grammar,...mostly good, but you have issues with passive grammar in places, over use of adverbs or adjectives where not needed as well as mixing of modern grammar with the time period...IE...

"Then we ain't never goin' back." While ain't is acceptable today, ain't to too modern a slang for the 3rd century in my humble opinion and takes experienced reader out of the period.

Motivations and Response...or order of things...IE...

Their leader was the shortest... Ok, how does Boke know this person is the leader? This is where you the writer have stepped in and start telling the story for Boke. If Boke suspects this short guy is the leader, then show us something, such as Boke's internal thoughts because this guy steps out front. But even that can not allow you to know for sure that he is the leader, as the leader might put the dumbest guy out front while he stands back to observe or direct.

The Bandit leader sized up his catch greedily... OK, in Boke is the PoV, how does he know what the Bandit leader is doing? Again this is the writer stepping in for Boke because he does not know how to show... No offense, but like I said before, you are rushing the story and using passive shortcuts.

The tobacco smoke inside made his eyes sting... Tobacco? Ok, for 3rd century, tobacco would mostly be piped, and very expensive. Even so, sting his eyes, over the smoke of a fire pit, oil lamps, candles, sweat, damp earth is the floor is earth, vomit, beer....ok,...the point being, Tobacco is something you chose as is your right, but I can think of more odors that would be pronounce than tobacco alone...there would be a mixture of odors.

I think you know the story you want to tell, and I like the premise of the story. But as is, the writing is passive in many places, the grammar off here and there, and the pacing so fast as to leave the world building in vague images, incomplete. My suggestion, pick a PoV, and start the story with this PoV, build the world and use no more than 2 shifts per chapter. Fill out your images and think of the motivation and response units for each sentence, paragraph and scene.

Wish I could have given a better review, but I do want to help and not just back someone for the hell of it. Of course, as I noted before, these are only my comments and you are of course, free to ignore if you do not agree. Other wise, I will keep on my W/L for now and come back later to read chapter 2. Best of luck...

Nick Anthony

The Pitch is very good and interest me. Going to watchlist this and try to get back to reading the chapters as soon as possible.

Nick Anthony.

It is an interesting opening although it did take me several tries to get through. I think you are very descriptive and that is excellent. This does appear to be one of those stories where you need to be in the right frame of mind to read it and properly absorb the information. I did like the twist at the end. It was very unexpected and gave me a reason to come back to read more.

Since I've been on Authonomy, I've been able to perform a large number of revisions. The result is a more polished novella and new insights on my work. Thanks to all who have read "Heritage" so far, particularly those who have left verbose feedback. Many of the changes I have incorporated have been at the suggestion of those posting here. I appreciate it.

Hi Dan. I've just read some of Heritage and here are my thoughts.
As soon as I began reading I thought of James Barclay's Raven series, a set of books I really love. You have the same ease of telling and the same great humour, humour which sits well with the gritty realism of your world. Great stuff, well worth reading, it's going on my shelf.
Only a couple of nit-picks:
'Nowt more..' I have no problem with colloquial language but I'm afraid 'nowt' was a bit much for me. Took me out of the book and plonked me down in Yorkshire! Quite a shock.
'wolf skin pelt inlaid with bear claws.' Why didn't he just wear the bear skin?
As Boke deals with his attackers, why don't the bandits behind them go for Chinua?
'a bad night of it.' I would cut 'of it'.
'more quillwork..' what a brilliant line!
'Arraigned..' I think you mean 'arranged'.
'Cheshire cat'? Surely you can do better than this? The story's not set in England, after all!
'Both Father and Daughter..' unless when being used to address someone, both these should be lower case.
Personally, I found ch 1 too long. You have scene-breaks, why not use one as a chapter break?
The cheshire cat thing is an example, but I think you need to beware of too many everyday phrases, similies, etc. Even the army sounds Roman, with its centuries and legions. Now this might be deliberate on your part but to me it takes the reader out of your world. I think you could do better.
That said, this just has to go on my shelf. I can easily see it being published and I think it'd be a great hit.
All the best,
Cas.

Dan

I read 2 chapters with my trusty Word open, and picked up enough to make some comments that I hope are useful.

Generally this is well written. A bit of tightening is required as will be seen in some of the following notes:

Delete unnecessary words. E.g. “tossing its head in equine annoyance” – “equine” adds nothing to the description and is a distraction.

Be clear with your message: “but the beasts respected strength almost as much as kindness” – are you saying he is strong, she is kind? Do animals respect strength or is it firmness and control? In questioning this I’m starting to suspect that this sentence falls into the above category and should be cut. Ouch!

When you have a special term you could italicise it to highlight that if I google the word I’m not going to find an answer. When it’s a proper noun, capitalise. E.g. “Scalds” I think

I like the next section the way you finish with “a bad, bad night of it” looping us back to the start. Clever. More please!

The characters are rich – especially the natural conversations. This is good stuff.

"Was" and "were" tend to be frowned upon when overused. I’m not good at this, but it may help you to reconsider some sentences. E.g. “…learned who it was that ruled.” could be “…learned who ruled.”

Which brings me on to “that”. Do a word search for it and see if you can do without, just like I did in the above sentence. “That” tends to make a sentence more clunky (a word I never used until I joined Authonomy!). Another e.g. “Do not engage that one face to face.” Could become: “Do not engage him face to face.”

“The lonely forest road writhed through the hills.” Is a great example of trying too hard. Some god advice is to try and write without adjectives and adverbs. Your descriptions will become much more powerful. And when you do use them, they should be vital for the description. Sparse use will also ensure the reader isn’t distracted by superfluous words.

Watch out for commas that are needed to give the correct pace to the sentence (I’m crap at this) but I spotted a few. E.g “Boke slept dreaming of the temple…” I think it is better as: “Boke slept, dreaming of the temple…” Reading out loud can help spot these.

Good end to chapter 2 leaving us on a cliff edge. “The Eater of Men sprang” (might want to think of an alternative to “sprang" though)

That’s it. I’ve commented on the negative, but there’s a lot that's positive in here. I love the premise. If it was more based on history with horror (without the fantasy if that’s possible) I’d buy it. This is going on my shelf.

Murray
The Jin Deception

Strong pitch.

Just a few points. (1) Cut 'in equine annoyance'.
(2) Was aint in use at this time. I thought it was modern slang, but I might be wrong.

Otherwise very compelling. On my watch list.

Joanna

Dan,
I love this. My first question is why the hell isn't this in a bookshop already? Each line deserves to be there. The dialogue, internal and external, is perfect for the time. And (not to be too flowing over this, but damn, you know what you're doing) the descriptions are brilliant to cupping Boke's bearded face to the long ears of the Abbot. If you self publish, let me know. I want a copy to read properly.
Shelved.
Lisa
PS I read the tags.

Well, you certainly don't muck about with flabby preambles! The story just leaps up and grabs you by the throat straight away. Finding some of the names a bit difficult to pronounce in my head, but it's drawing me in. Good stuff!

Dan.

Firstly, I should say that I'm not a particularly great reviewer, as you can probably see by my lowly position!
I always tend to look on the cup being half full, rather than half empty, and prefer to stick to positive comments.

I think what I really like about 'Heritage' is that as soon as you've read the 'hairless balls line', you know that there's going to be humour, which you don't always get in SF and fantasy. It makes the story instantly likeable, knowing that it doesn't take itself too seriously. I also like the bad language, Dan, something else that usually doesn't find its way into this genre.

I feel that the style of writing is very evocative, and makes the reader think they are actually there — no mean achievement!

I look forward to reading on, Dan.

I am very happy to put 'Heritage' on my shelf.

Cheers.

Michael Ashley Torrington. Author, 'Kristin.'

Exciting, full -blooded and action filled stuff! Far more tautly written then the synopsis would suggest. A well-crafted and rugged fantasy full of big men with big swords. With no turgid descriptions, to slow it down, the story rattles along at a break neck pace yet still paints a vivid and believable world.
Wishing it every future success.

(nb...sorry to be an equestrian pedant but.you pull on reins and rein in your horse)

Grizzly, barbaric and highly entertaining.I better watch out or this well written story could easily sway me into becoming a fantasy fan.
Your story has quality dialogue, vivid characters and a wonderful display of action. You're definately one of the talented few. Good luck with this piece. I look forward to seeing Heritage on the editors desk soon.
Jan (LAZY CATS)

This is really entertaining. I laughed at the remarks about balls. I like the contrast between Boke and Chinua, and pictures of their characters arise clearly.

A few little things: At first I thought Scree was his wife, maybe because of the sentence structure. Does the horse really need its name?
There were two full stops somewhere .. use control f to find them.
More than sex, not 'then'

The point of view is Boke's to start, but we jump into the bandit's head for a bit. I made a big mistake with head hopping once so I'm very wary of it - maybe a little bit is ok. Dunno. I think it dilutes the story's ability to compel the reader via empathy. It's hard to get lost in a the story if your not nestled on one character's shoulder.

I didn't make the jump over the asterisks. Sorry. I just scanned through. It could be that too many new characters come in. But I think the main reason is that I generally prefer female characters. I was intrigued about the initial relationship and I would have kept going on that story line. I will come back to it if it nags at me.

No, I did have a look at chapter 2 to find out what they were up to. I think you mean ‘concealing it from Chinua’. I do like the Boke storyline a lot.

Working my way through my list now and I shall shelve this. Realistic fantasy I'd call if you can have such a thing. You have characters behaving like people instead of saints or demons and fights are fights - there's no smiting with mighty swords with ridiculous names!

For me it's a good balance of pace and style. I didn't read early versions but I'm a long sentence writer and lover and I think some of the paring down that gets done can leave something like a series of bullet points rather than an engaging tale.

Good luck with it.

Howard

Dan

This is my kind of story. No prevaricating, straight into the action. Loved Boke and his descriptive ability with the sheep lovers, cough. He just gets better as the story goes along.

In most cases, I go through the posts and try and think as a reader, rather than an editor or critic. As a reader, I was quickly engaged and got in touch with the characters, particularly Boke. Joking aside, your descriptions are good, as is the story line itself. As mentioned by others, there is a little overwriting, but as I'm guilty of it myself, I can't really comment on that.

For me, it hits the right spots and I will continue to read as you post more. Shelved!

Cheers

Rayo

I have read the chapters you posted. Reminiscent of Howard (the original, not L. Sprague de Camp's abortions.) but with a nice originality. I am discovering that I am not a modern reader. I like adjectives and adverbs and I like this sort of story. I don't understand why style isn't permitted. Yours is very good, well suited to the story you tell. I am shelving this.
Nancy

hi,
this is good stuff,your imagery and scene setting are very good. i like the language too, it helps to set the scene and your use of language works very well with how you write generally,it all ties in nicely. you've clearly got a very vivid imagination here, a good base for a good story. i think out of all genres to write, fantasy must be the hardest...when i write horror, alot of things are unimaginable or 'out of the ordinary' but they happen to ordinary people with everyday problems...i think its easier this way and i commend your ability to write fantasy well. if i had to make any recommendations or constructive criticism, which is what we all want when people read our work...i would have to say,don't over-cook it. you set a good scen ebu in some areas the description goes over the top, trying to compact too much in too soon. its a minor point to a good pieceof writing. i'll be back to read more when i have more time.

cheers, shaun

hi,
this is good stuff,your imagery and scene setting are very good. i like the language too, it helps to set the scene and your use of language works very well with how you write generally,it all ties in nicely. you've clearly got a very vivid imagination here, a good base for a good story. i think out of all genres to write, fantasy must be the hardest...when i write horror, alot of things are unimaginable or 'out of the ordinary' but they happen to ordinary people with everyday problems...i think its easier this way and i commend your ability to write fantasy well. if i had to make any recommendations or constructive criticism, which is what we all want when people read our work...i would have to say,don't over-cook it. you set a good scen ebu in some areas the description goes over the top, trying to compact too much in too soon. its a minor point to a good pieceof writing. i'll be back to read more when i have more time.

cheers, shaun

Dan,

OK you asked. I see that you've been getting a fair number of two-line reviews, and that's not particularly useful. I normally read until I have issues that stop me, and then I explain what they are. I am but one reader, and my word is not gospel. It's up to you to take from my comments what's useful to you.
Just as background - I read quite a bit of fantasy, although dark fantasy is not my first choice.
Right. Here goes.
After one paragraph: this is overwritten. Quite badly so.
I'm going to pick apart your first paragraph. I have read more than the bits I'm going to talk about, but for me, the overwhelming issue with this is style: overwriting. You need to pare down. You need to trust your words more.
The horse neighed, tossing its head.... fine, OK. I can picture this
... with annoyance - horses that do this are usually annoyed. You are now also moving into the horse's POV, assuming that the as-yet-unnamed POV character knows the horse is annoyed, which in fact the gesture of tossing the head already did. Delete.
... as pebbles slid beneath its hooves - OK. I would prefer if you could do without the 'as' structure, and made it two short sentences, but it's a matter of personal preference.
...;it was clearly less than enthused... nix the semicolon. Also, these words don't add anything. The horse tossed its head. Horses do that when they're not happy. No need to say that three times (1. tossing the head, 2. 'annoyed', 3. 'clearly less than enthused'. The reader gets it the first time. Move on.
... with the descent down the scree-laden slope its master had chosen - same thing. You've said all this in various forms. You said pebbles slid beneath its hooves. We figure. Delete all this and move on.
The Hunarian legionnaire Boke Ana tiughtened his grip as he clamped... Most of this sentence is reasonably OK. Two warning flags, though: 1. My eyes glaze over at the name. I'd stick to Boke Ana, and leave the rest to explain for later. We don't need to know that he's a soldier or his nationality *right here*. I'd say right here it does nothing but confuse. 2. This is the second 'as' construction in as many sentences. The dreaded 'as' monster is rearing its head. As-constructions are valid and useful, but often heavily overused. My warning flag goes up.
Just in case the stallion made the unwise decision to throw him - this is a fragment and at this stage I'd probably join it with the previous sentence. I'd also delete 'unwise'. I don't know why it's unwise, and it adds nothing.
More pebbles started their long journey down the path as his wife... The pebbles are personified here. The pebbles started - they made a decision to start rolling down? OK, I'm not an idiot and I know what you mean, but why not shorten it to 'More pebbles rolled down'? Uh-oh - 'as' warning! Why 'the long journey? It sounds elaborate. I think you're trying to tell us that they went down a fairly high slope. I'd find a different way, if this fact is important, and I don't think it is. Just move, move, move the story along.
... Chinua, guided her own roan to follow in his tracks - overwritten. You don't need 'own'. You already said there was a path, so there's no need for 'in his tracks'
She was always better with animals... Kinda OK, but I'm really wondering what this sentence adds, especially the mention of animals respecting strength. I'm now getting the impression of a vain man, standing in front of the mirror showing off his muscles. I'd prefer you moved the story along a bit more.
Ahead of them, the steep mountain path began to level in preperation for the long journey down... This sounds like the path is making the journey, not the travellers. I know what you mean, but the 'in preparation for' sounds elaborate to me.
OK, I've probably annoyed the living daylights out of you, but my bottom line is you may have a good story, but the writing is trying too hard.

...

Thanks Patty, most helpful. I have revised the first chaper and uploaded it. The story does indeed flow far more easily now. Much appreciated ;)

Dan,

OK you asked. I see that you've been getting a fair number of two-line reviews, and that's not particularly useful. I normally read until I have issues that stop me, and then I explain what they are. I am but one reader, and my word is not gospel. It's up to you to take from my comments what's useful to you.
Just as background - I read quite a bit of fantasy, although dark fantasy is not my first choice.
Right. Here goes.
After one paragraph: this is overwritten. Quite badly so.
I'm going to pick apart your first paragraph. I have read more than the bits I'm going to talk about, but for me, the overwhelming issue with this is style: overwriting. You need to pare down. You need to trust your words more.
The horse neighed, tossing its head.... fine, OK. I can picture this
... with annoyance - horses that do this are usually annoyed. You are now also moving into the horse's POV, assuming that the as-yet-unnamed POV character knows the horse is annoyed, which in fact the gesture of tossing the head already did. Delete.
... as pebbles slid beneath its hooves - OK. I would prefer if you could do without the 'as' structure, and made it two short sentences, but it's a matter of personal preference.
...;it was clearly less than enthused... nix the semicolon. Also, these words don't add anything. The horse tossed its head. Horses do that when they're not happy. No need to say that three times (1. tossing the head, 2. 'annoyed', 3. 'clearly less than enthused'. The reader gets it the first time. Move on.
... with the descent down the scree-laden slope its master had chosen - same thing. You've said all this in various forms. You said pebbles slid beneath its hooves. We figure. Delete all this and move on.
The Hunarian legionnaire Boke Ana tiughtened his grip as he clamped... Most of this sentence is reasonably OK. Two warning flags, though: 1. My eyes glaze over at the name. I'd stick to Boke Ana, and leave the rest to explain for later. We don't need to know that he's a soldier or his nationality *right here*. I'd say right here it does nothing but confuse. 2. This is the second 'as' construction in as many sentences. The dreaded 'as' monster is rearing its head. As-constructions are valid and useful, but often heavily overused. My warning flag goes up.
Just in case the stallion made the unwise decision to throw him - this is a fragment and at this stage I'd probably join it with the previous sentence. I'd also delete 'unwise'. I don't know why it's unwise, and it adds nothing.
More pebbles started their long journey down the path as his wife... The pebbles are personified here. The pebbles started - they made a decision to start rolling down? OK, I'm not an idiot and I know what you mean, but why not shorten it to 'More pebbles rolled down'? Uh-oh - 'as' warning! Why 'the long journey? It sounds elaborate. I think you're trying to tell us that they went down a fairly high slope. I'd find a different way, if this fact is important, and I don't think it is. Just move, move, move the story along.
... Chinua, guided her own roan to follow in his tracks - overwritten. You don't need 'own'. You already said there was a path, so there's no need for 'in his tracks'
She was always better with animals... Kinda OK, but I'm really wondering what this sentence adds, especially the mention of animals respecting strength. I'm now getting the impression of a vain man, standing in front of the mirror showing off his muscles. I'd prefer you moved the story along a bit more.
Ahead of them, the steep mountain path began to level in preperation for the long journey down... This sounds like the path is making the journey, not the travellers. I know what you mean, but the 'in preparation for' sounds elaborate to me.
OK, I've probably annoyed the living daylights out of you, but my bottom line is you may have a good story, but the writing is trying too hard.

...

Read chapters one and two---nice descriptives---starts off with a bang, or a crunch, with the battle axes and hammers. Empress Jianna's "just one of the boys" attitude caught me off guard. Excellent job describing the village.

Jianna's toying with the Abbot was amusing---and his reaction predictable. "Close your mouth, Father---you will catch flies..." the empress murmured sweetly---my favorite line in the story.

Thanks, guys. Another chapter has been added and the pitch has been changed.

I really enjoyed this. In many ways it had a good nostalgic feel for me. You remind me of a young Jack Vance. Keep it up.

Dan - have only read half the first chapter, but I like what I see. You're on my shelf! Clive (More to come when I have read on).

Excellent writing. Very cool imagery. I am blown away with the vivid detail and description. Not my usual genre but I would definitely read more...and will! Congrats dude, you rock! "A magpie called raucously from a tree!" Shelved and endorsed!