THE FRENCH NURSE

M Clement Hall,
Just a note to say that I was reined in by your pitch. I have WL'd this and will read it as soon as I can.
Cheers,
John B Campbell . . . Walk to Paradise Garden

M Clement Hall,

I can smell the cigar smoke and burning planes, which is a testimony to your wiley writing of The French Nurse. Pass the beer, a man's man read.

Best and backed.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

M: short pitch works. The long pitch should end with some kind of hook, a question of sorts. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

This is a violent story. But also a good one. Harley is a good character. He's likable and certainly sympathetic because he's trying so hard to help patients but runs into nothing but violence. I found part of this painful to read because it's unsettling to think people can treat each other so badly, but at the same time, it kept me reading. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

M -

Happy to back the French Nurse. I wish I could come up with a criticism that hasn't been already covered, but the writing is too good for that.

Best of luck here.

Thanks.

-Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

Elegant writing style in chapter 3, it reminds me the French style. If I go to the bookstore I will pick your book first as the title looks very attractive to me. This is the comment you deserve from me.
Bamboo Promise

This book is well written and fascinating, so I don't understand the current downturning of the arrow. Maybe, not enough self-promotion.

It was actually your mention of fibromyalgia that caught my attention because I suffered from this "imaginary" disease for many years before it turned into the very real Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma." At least I'm blaming on the damage the "F" word did to my immune system for the latter. Anyhow, enough about me.

Your writing is clear and beautifully descriptive. It's fast paced and flows well and the dialogue is excellent. I think the storyline is also intriguing. Good work. This is definitely a book I would buy and have on my bedside table for reading over a period of time. I will check your website again to see if or when it's available.

I hope you might have time to take a look at my novel. After my chemo for the NHL, my husband took me to France to research the book I was determined to write if I survived. So far, so good.

Betty K "The Huguenot's Destiny"

You have written some of the most skillful dialogue I have ever read. Fascinating. Your characters are interesting and definitely promote turning one page after the other. Very unique plot. No formula there. Backed.

Patrick (Spitting Distance, The Last Clan Chief)

Michael,

I'm happy to see a surgeon who can use a keyboard as skillfully as a scalpel. (And I say this with some degree of knowledge: I have written magazine and newspaper profiles on surgeons in the US—and while many would die for a piece in the New England Journal of Medicine, or JAMA, the truth is that most simply cannot write.
Fiction, of course, would be out of the question. Not so you.)

This is outstanding. First, you have managed to immediately capture us with the conversation between Harley and his brother. When the brother stabs that cigar at him as emphasis to every word, I can totally see it. Yet you describe it with a spare amount of words. By the end of the first chapter, I already have a good idea about Harley's personality and character.

I've read through three chapters now, and I must say: This is some of the best work on authonomy. Your medical experience shines through, of course, but there isn't a hint of talking down, or trying to load up all of your expertise here. You're a writer first, and a surgeon second in this work. Just as it should be.

I'm backing with ease.
Mark

Clement,

This book is unquestionably a good read, so I am not going to go through the usual attributes; I am simply going to relate my thoughts as I read it. None of which should be taken as anything, other than my take on an otherwise very well written novel.

According to the skinny twin with the highland face, Harley was denied the head of the new unit because of his quick temper and lack verbal finesse. Yet here we find him prior to being shipped out to West Africa being pushed about from pillar to post, by a number of seemingly faceless, rude, employees of a rather obscure organization, and not a word of irritation does he offer?

A highly skilled, intelligent professional man, is then packed off to God knows where, without as much as a by your leave. Is given a bogus passport, is required to submit a weekly detailed report, and make a clandestined rendezvous with a shadowy figure, and hand over a sweaty money belt stuffed with contraband cash. I must ask, can such a person be so naive?

I have read five chapters, and intend to read on, but at this point I am a little confused as to the pace of this novel in terms of how serious I should be taking it.

Backed! CallumC.

Hi Clement!

While this is not normally a genre I would pick out to read for enjoyment, I found myself cruising through your story with pleasure! The humor you weave into your dialogue is infectious! (Bad word for a story with surgeons, I know... Apologies for the pun!)

Very well written! Shelved.

Kim
Invisible Justice

Hi Clement

Well written and well researched - or based on experience? - it has that ring of authenticity about it.

Happy to shelve.

Bill

Dear Clement,
Very visual and elegant style of writing. You had my attention from the first paragraph. The protagonist is saved twice, never abandoned and this conveys a very deep sense of piece of mind, in an unpeaceful time. I was very impressed. Because this writies about fundamental human condtion which I imagine is possible with someone with experience and deep love for humanity. I am happy to back this.
Keiko

Hello there. Apparently I had overlooked a previous reading and backing you gave of my book. Thank you and I apologize. I thought I was keeping up but...
Your story promises to be a good one. I would only say that you tend to say unnecessary things that would be just as smooth to delete. Ex: second paragraph - "And the reason I'm keeping you here..., unnecessary insert, repeating- reason I'm keeping you here." And then again in same paragraph you inserted unnecessary comments - "or should I say, gently suggested to them". I would suggest picking the phrase you really want and using it alone. The simpler the better. Too confusing adding unnecessary inserts.
Also, the dialogue seems stilted - not smooth as with normal conversation between people.
Other than that, I wish you luck. Shelved because I know this will be a book worth reading. We can ALL use a bit of editing so please don't take anything I say too badly. After all, that's why we're here.
Blessings,
Tammy
The Chimney Still Stands

I'm not a fan of historical fiction, but you definitely have a knack for great prose. Realistic dialogue, fleshy characters, and an intriguing premise. WL.

thers a good sense of chaos here. I quite like the round about way you write in chapter three.

Shelved.

Hi M,

This is an enjoyable read. Loved the humour. Great characterisation and dialogue. You grabbed my attention and kept me glued.

This is very well written. I wish you all the best.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Another Canadian, eh? Loved this...your main character, although quite passive as he goes through the mysterious bureacracy is appealing because of his wit and observations. I might be tempted to explain his passivity, however.

Fine writing, great narrative drive (I didn't want to stop reading, but had to after the partial)...definitely better than your pitch. Take out the passive voice in your pitch.

This promises to be a great read. I'll be back to read more, but in the meantime, you're shelved without a qualm.

Cheers,
Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places)

Nice characterisation in opening paragraph. Also, it has my favourite word on the first page: chicanery. Will back on these two things alone.

Hi Clement

I've just read the first two chapters of your book and I enjoyed it. I'll certainly be reading more. The one thing I would say and its not meant as a criticism. I found the jump between the two chapters a little confusing but I'm sure that'll become clearer once I read a bit more. Love your use of humour. And as a nurse I can appreciate medical drama.
A

Hello M, I think you might have backed my book already, but am suffering Authonomy-amnesia. I've finally taken a proper peek from my long WL and must explain that i only look at covers (publication design experience), pitches and ch 1s. This is because I ma credit-crunched and am using the library computer (2 hrs) and there is always plenty of admin to use up my time.
Cover: Very enticing. My kind of cover. Traditionally non-famous authors use much larger titles and smaller name mentions. Pitch: interpara spacing would help the eye. I wonder if we could be given some idea of whcih way the conclusion goes. Ch 1: besides the usual tweaks and improvements that we will all do, I liked the beginning, enjoyed the dialogue "since the time I ripped off your teddy bear's ears...", and liked the pace to the end of the chapter whic would help me flick to ch 2. I'll back your book M and dip in again later. P.S. Is there any hope in your book?
Yolanda / Eye of an artist
Not he world's best book reviewer I know!

I love well-observed fictional stories set against the backdrop of real places and real world events. And this one’s a cracker. Even without my having been there, I feel you have captured perfectly the chaos and sweaty claustrophobia of a West African country in a state of meltdown. The overall effect is terrifying: one moment I can’t wait to turn the next page; the next I’m praying to be on the next plane home. Which makes it the stuff of good fiction.

I liked the clipped no-bullshit style, enunciated with an original voice, though reminiscent of the best of first-person PI stories like those of Chandler and Hammett. Although there were a couple of lapses: the line in ch.1 about ‘mess of potage, selling my soul, pieces of silver’. I’d choose one only for effect. Similarly, in ch.2 ‘kill rabbits, torture mice, assassinate dogs.’

The plot seems well-constructed, with some nice original touches (my, that HMB is a nasty piece of work. are there really NGO’s out there that bad? Heaven save us), and the whole story mostly moves along at just the right pace, evincing – certainly on my part – a kind of breathless incredulity. The Kafkaesque scene in Amsterdam is positively chilling.

A few comments, all early on, all personal of course:

- I thought the ‘diplomacy’ between the twins in the 1st ch. and then HD and his boss in the 2nd a bit clunky. I know it’s odious to compare with others’ work, but for reference, Vineet’s description of gentle but deadly office politics in his first ch. is masterful. Worth a look.
- In the same sequence, I felt HD rolled over too easily, given his emerging character. Following that line of thought, I was a bit thrown by his character-development. It took all the way to ch.6 for him to emerge as an actor rather than a victim of his circumstances. Mind you, nothing wrong with slow-movers, I guess. I’m one myself.
- I don’t know why, but I wanted you to spell out the organisational background a bit more, even if you had to make it a thinly-disguised fiction. Does cigar-twin work for Canadian Intelligence, if so what branch?
- I was a bit confused by HD’s (lack of) seniority and the role he would play in the new wing. I’m sure you have that right, with your background, but something didn’t ring true.

But these are minor and - I would accept - questionable. At its core there’s a great book here, in my view eminently publishable. Already on my shelf.

I got interested because the book reminds a bit of my father's own, real life experiences in Beirut Lebanon at the beginning of the Lebanese Civil War (1975-1990).
Very realistic!
Cheers!
Duane
"Kings and Tyrants"

I got interested because the book reminds a bit of my father's own, real life experiences in Beirut Lebanon at the beginning of the Lebanese Civil War (1975-1990).
Very realistic!
Cheers!
Duane
"Kings and Tyrants"

The French Nurse I picked this off the booklist for two entirely selfish reasons - I spent a short time in Sierra Leone many years ago and wanted to see it through your eyes, and I enjoy medical/pathology stories (My mother's a doctor but I wasn't clever enough!). So I skipped ahead to the Sierra Leone chapters before I went back and looked at the first couple, and my first reaction is that the mid-story writing is much better than the beginning - more action, better dialogue, more consistency and follow-on. I became absolutely absorbed in what was happening in Bo, but had I started at the beginning of the book I don't know whether my interest would have been captured in quite the same way. That's not a criticism, because it probably reflects my own priorities as a reader, and others may feel very differently. Your writing is beyond competent (I'm curious to know why you're on here, when you are already published) and the benefits of your firsthand experience are very obvious. Having said that, I'm sure there are many surgeons who would not be able to write a good story; you have a real gift for knowing what to include, what to leave out, what to hint at. I'd like to read your other work to see how you compare with Reichs and Cornwell (two of my favourite contemporary authors) - on the basis of your middle chapters here I'd put you in the same league. Thank you for giving me a window into the real Sierra Leone; I'm saddened by it but not surprised. I wish you every success with this and with your other projects. I've been spending too much time reading other people's work lately, and my 'shelf' is buckling under the weight, but I'll make a space for you soon, and look forward to reading more in the meantime.
Katie
Katie

I like this. I like your style, using the dreaded gerund to begin sentences shot like bullets. The plot develops briskly, with the twins who probably despise each other and the good doctor with the big mouth and the flailing marriage. Personally, I don't like the change of tense from one to two. I prefer good old third person past. I found myself having to re-read parts of Ch2 as a result. And at the end, when we move from the hospital to the man and wife, I thought we'd changed to a new character. So I guess I'm saying it felt a bit choppy.

That said, you piqued my interest and I'd ceratinly read the rest. Backed.

The French Nurse - M. Clement Hall. I read the first 2 chapters and scanned several comments. I like your development of MC - flawed on the side of right - could lead to many things. Bookshelf for interesting MC and plot.

Some thoughts: most authors place only the first 10k words (site min.) or so on this site for comment - helps keep down piracy; your pitches (short and long) probably need a major rework - they should answer the question "Why should I want to read/buy this book?" not necessarily tell the story line - perhaps checking out pitches by some of the better ranked TSRs and the books they've backed might be helpful; I'm not certain but isn't it NGO in caps?; chapter 1 - suggest deleting "Condensed..."; "'Greatest good and all...";"'The' cigar smoking twin..."; chapter 2 - "..., said my prof and department head." - is a little cleaner.

I like the plot which I wouldn't be surprised to be reality based.

Gideon
The Oil Market Czar

Hi MCH, I have read three chapters of The French Nurse. Similarly to your comments this is not normally my sort of genre, but I immediately admired the bold and specific style. You quickly develop the sense of adventure and mystery, where I certainly did want to know more. I did get confused at times in some dialogues, but the overall style and content surely suit your target audience.

J.J

M,
Finally! This dratted website has been acting like a 2-year-old for two days now! I read 3 chapters of "The French Nurse" a few days ago, planned to shelve it, typed up a comment, and, poof, everything disappeared into cyberspace smoke. Anyway .....
My goodness, we have such radically different writing styles. My "Liminality" story lies hidden in the sumptuous detail, waiting to be lured out, while yours is in-your-face bantering dialogue/interior monologue. Enjoyed it though, so I moved it to my bookshelf (Really-the website worked this time!)
Mary

Hi,
Came to read your story and found it great. I think the whole idea of the medical/spy thing is a great go. You got me from the beginning with the twins, thought that was really fun. I love the priest, missionaries and doctores allbeing lumped into the field of those who think they are doing the work of God and don't even need his consent and I say that as a woman who is surrounded by Revs...father, 2 brother-in-laws and husband-hahaha. (And a daughter studying medicine to boot!)
Great story, what a setting--
shelved,
Barbara
(The Sea Pillow)--a much less complicated story than yours if you care for a light read.

Hello M. I am in total disagreement with previous comments below plus this is not cliped jargon. It's brilliant wry humour. . Trust me I'm an expert on wry humour, I am 70 years old. All of us need it to carry on living. I roared with laughter at times. especially the first chapter. This is great stuff , hook or by crook I will read all. It has to be backed by me. Oh! bugger nearly forgot, never spotted any mistakes..Could only manage 3 chapters. Going to fly out from Faro Portugal tomorrow, for 8 days back to England. I am going to see my three daughters, and god knows how many grand childeren. Not seen them for three years, so have to pack and stuff.

Many thanks.
The avatar is from one of the illuminated gospels.
Pat.

Hi MC,

I have read several chapters. Your book is well researched and has a good plot.
Once slightly irritating aspect...I personally dislike the clipped 'jargony' dialogue permeating the book as a whole, absence of verbs being the most obvious one. It really got between me and my enjoyment of the overall book. As one or two others have said, you need to tighten the material considerably. Apart from that, it is great!
Regards.
Pat

This is charming,

I loved your first chapter and the air that sorounded me as I read it,

Shelved,
Kimmy

The French Nurse by Michael C Hall

Hi, Michael. This first chapter reminds me a bit of Blood on Stone’s first chapter with the two men in a restaurant.
Just a couple of observations, here:

…“You know that won’t work,” …was not already made, up then added, “We’ve got men there now. ...Think added part of dialogue should begin with a lower-case w as you have a comma after ‘work’ and it’s part of the same sentence?

I’d also check the other person’s reply. Here, I think you need a full stop after ethical to close the sentence? Instead of - shaking his head … you could say, - He shook his head, etc?

Also, without names for the twins, I’m finding it a bit difficult to know who’s saying what. Maybe it’s just me…I’m assuming we’ll know more about them as we read further?

...Stabbing his cigar, etc. Incomplete sentence? I’m now thinking this is a particular style of writing you’re using so enough nitpicking from me, eh?

Ch 2 was a much smoother, and more enjoyable read for me. Would make for a good opening chapter… Davidson sounds quite the character, full of wit and very likable; good sense of humour, which he’ll most likely need to get him through some of the horrors he’s sure to encounter.

Enjoyed the trip through the airport in ch 3 with Davidson, and look forward to following him to Africa.

O, and great writing, by the way.:o)

Making room on my shelve right now for you.

All the best,

Cáit

M,
Quite the complex story you are laying out here for us. Multilayered, morally ambiguous. It feels like you are in good control of this big sprawling story. No quibbles with what I've read so far. My wife is an identical twin. I found your twins intriguing because they were SO different. Well done, on my shelf.
Jeff

Hi M. Clement Hall,
I am intrigued by the pitch and the edgy subject matter.
Will return with more meaningful comments.
On my watchlist.
Regards.
Pat

Very nice. Quite apart from the Greene/LeCarre setting, feel, and movement, you pull this off in a relaxed, confident style that doesn't shame the mention of those two writers.

I would think there'd be a wide market for this, it certainly claims a place on the same shelf as many acclaimed books that share this focus and general gesture.

Best of luck to you

Good style. I got it. One thing I would say is to give the men names right off. Cigar and cigarless seemed strained. Even harder to digest than tweedle dee and tweedle dum.

lol...again with names. They are your krytonite. First love, no need to keep using Davidson's name. People don't use names everytime they say something to someone. ( I can count on one hand how many times my hubby has said my name. Once was during the wedding.) Next, UT, okay you might be able to pull that one off, but A-E?

Says is another word that bothers me, but it may be a cultural thing as I'm an American. I would think medical professionals would use said. Please don't take this as a attack on language because I'm not at all a languist, but, says sounds more like a Dickens character who's hard on his luck.

I shall keep this on watch to see how it grows. Otherwise, you have a nice story unfolding. It moved along and kept my interest.

Hi,

I too like the style - it's like a throw back to a golden age of writing, perhaps Graham Greene and Ford Maddox Ford spring to mind.
But I would have to agree with Agaian that the dialogue gets a bit confusing mid way through the first chapter. I'm certainly the kind of reader who needs to be told quite clearly who is speaking and when, even though it is less cumbersome the way you have set it out. This is going on my watchlist. Thanks for your previous backing.

I liked the directness of your text. It is an individual style that is refreshing among the many manuscripts that are worthy but in many cases stylised.
I am going to shelve this because of its distinct nature and strong storyline. I will leave others to comment on the technique, as far as I am concerned it either reads well or it doesn't and this is definately on the plus side.
Rick Gammons
(Touching Bottom)

Hi

Started off enjoying the story, but then found the writing style a bit too mixed up,' too jumbled' to keep me rivetted. I then found that the initial enthusiasm I had was waning, so am not able to Shelve it at present.

I genuinely was enjoying the story itself,, so would re-visit it if you ever did feel the need to tighten the writing style

My apologies for the bluntness, and please feel to ignore it as you sail off onto the Editors desk, leaving me floundering in your wake!

Anthony
('Houses of Sand')

Hi,

So far read first three chapters, I really like your style. I admit that this isn't my usual genre of interest but your writing is very individual and really holds interest, you manage to include all the information needed through dialogue which is no mean feat. Often this ends up sounding so forced but in your book you manage to make it sound effortless and it really transports the reader to the scene and involves them. Everything is so easy to visualise.

For it's target audience, a sure hit!!!

MCH,
What a fantastic book! I love your way of mixing short and long sentences. That gives the story such a tempo! I am backing your book and hope to return to read more of it. Good luck!
Nillan

Accomplished writing, great pacing and narrative. The opening that so well contrasts the twins is a real hook and poor Davidson is the right character to find himself an unaware player in this God forsaken mission. I also like the soft humour in his POV.
Feels like work written from experience or at least very well researched. It’s on my shelf and I wish you the best of luck with it.

You have a unique approach to dialogue I find intriguing. It's very immediate, and yet sort of omniscient, like a movie camera. I like it. The dialogue itself feels real and you use it to bring your characters to life. This book reminds me somewhat of "The Constant Gardener" by John LaCarre. I LOVED that book! And this promises to have the same appeal. Wonderful work!

I really liked the pitch of this book and I fell for Harley almost immediately. Your writing is clear cut and very pacy. The dialogue really steps it along. Excellent. Marie C

M Clement:

This book has everything going for it. Excellent writing laying the groundwork from the beginning for a great read. I fell in love with Harley and will continue to follow him to the published edition. On my shelf.

I sat for two days enthralled with this story. The surgical parts were of particular interest to me. The brutality which unfortunately is still prevalent in parts of Africa today caused mt to cringe. This is an excellent book and certainly worth backing.

This is a ride and a half, M Clement! Could leave it alone. You write so well. Violence breeds the violent. Yes, it does!

Your title makes me think of Juliet Binoche - oh my! - particularly, but not exclusively, in the English Patient. If you make me think of her then you must be on a winner!

Good stuff, Mr Clement. And there's more to come from you, yes?

James