Never date your boss (working title)

Best chick lit on this site title or no title - call it anything it is still incredibly entertaining! BACKED with pleasure!

Liz
The Cheech Room

This sparkles. I enjoyed your touch of details. Ricardo’s bangles banging. The faucet pulling the heat from the tub. I like it.

Your writing is crisp. This has everything that is necessary for a successful chic-lit. The only reason I can fathom that it’s falling in the ranks is the predominance of vampire/ghoul stories.

Sparkles.

Mark R. Trost
“Post Marked.”

This is excellent, I love the idea of falling for your boss, never happened to me, mine have all been ugly or women. I love the pace of the opening. I have to say I hate first days but love watching movies about other people's as this was just as good. Very easy to follow and read and I look forward to reading more. Shelved immediately.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

I quite like this. real chick lit. a bit of tidy up is necessary but the story is good.

there's one thing I found not so realistic is the fact Louise starts her job and no one bothers explaining her what to do. I've never had that in real life.(not I might have been lucky) but Louise is a very lucky girl, a nice looking boss. (I only had ugly and fat ones)

Anyway this is a nice story and I'm curious to find out more so I continue to read. will back this up for sure.
Wonder why theyre aren't more backing on this book.
Good luck anyway
Tamara

I think this fifth chapter is your best-- you mix the dialogue and actions beautifully. Still a few commas missing here and there, but I think everyone is guilty of that to some degree-- I know I am.
There are a few words I'm not familiar with, but you can likely blame those on me being a dumb American!

Love the story itself, and would be quite happy to read more.

Ashley

I'm enjoying the story so far, but there are a few things that jumped out at me.
From what I gather, in most of the first chapter, Louise is supposed to be anxious and rushing, but I don't feel like that came across very well in the pace of the story. The descriptions are wonderful, but they move slowly. Where Louise is sipping her tea, I don't feel that "sipped slowly" is the best word choice, when in the chapters before and after, she's rushing frantically to avoid being late.

In the last few lines, I think there should be some actions attached to the dialogue. A pet peeve of mine is seeing more than three lines of dialogue without specifying who is saying what, how they're saying it, etc. What is Louise doing while she's talking? It's even more noticeable since the beginning of the chapter was so full of description, right down to street and store names, a description of the floors and furniture, etc.

Also, a few commas were left out. In the beginning of Ch. 1, there should be a comma after "In the kitchen, Sue..."
"Louise felt the warm of his hand" should be warmth.

Technicalities aside, I'm looking forward to reading the next few chapters, and will check back in when I'm done with them.

Alchemist

At last I get to read your work!
I was going to ask for a red swap but then after reading your pitch I was just taken in – it must have been Sam’s nightie (joking).

Seriously though, this is very accessible prose. I particularly like your succinct paragraphs that are easy on the eye and enhance the flow. Your characters are also very well painted and I can see your target reader latching onto them quickly.

I’ve read chapters 1, 3 & 5 and see all the ingredients of a classic chick lit novel here. I am hoping to see more action and drama in the future chapters and I hope you’ll let me know when you upload more. Keep up the good work!

Backed with my best wishes
David
Green Ore

There are some typos and other minor errors.I'm interested in the story though.
The end of chp 2 seems a little forced to me. I want more feeling in it. Not just nervous and happy. Let us feel what Louise feels when Roger touches her. There's a lot of telling. Show us what happens. Give us more detail.
Chapter 5, I feel like she describes the food better than her feelings for Roger. With him, she's too generic.
I also feel like the pace gets a little slow on occasion, but that's just me. I like fast pace. Overall, and I'm reading on, I like it.
Shelved,
Sarah

Good story and great premise. I like where the plot is going and you have the right tone for chick lit, which is my favorite genre.
IMHO, the text can benefit from a little tightening: cutting some text, making it more compact to move it faster. For example I would start at the office, right before she meets Roger. The opening with the wake up, breakfast, tube, roommate is great but you can recap it later with one sentence of backstory.
Also, sometime you go into "tell mode" and I feel that for this genre staying 100% of the time in your heroine's head is really key.

Hope this helps and glad to give it a nudge up the charts.

Dania (The It! Refugee)

Having to save this we are in the middle of a power-cut. Hope I don’t lose it.
Ah! Romance! So few romance stories on here, so if you polish this up it should do well.
Just a few observations to help with the editing.
You don’t need speech marks for thoughts. “He likes you,” she thought.
Typos
“It suits you and it’s the right length if you were (wear) high heels....
I took it out of my bag so that Roger could copy a phone number and (forgot) it there....
Pick one: forgot it, or left it there, can’t have forgot it there.
Louise closed the email with missed feelings. (mixed)
I think this is a good first draft and kept me interested enough to read the whole five chapters. I don’t think you have any serious problems, just a few nit-picky things that occasionally jar.
“She’s my cousin,” he explained (to Louise) “Don’t get any ideas,” (he joked) This is not authentic. There are things that are unacceptable. Like he laughed – he lied – he joked.
So the way to make it obvious to the reader that he’s joking, you could say something like this:
“She’s my cousin.” He explained nudging her arm playfully. “Don’t get any ideas.”
I think you have a good story here and with a little TLC this could be fantastic.
Best wishes
Sue (A Boy Called George)

Hey,

This is right up my street- I love stuff like this!

Louise and Sue are instantly likeable, you make a lot of observations that people will nod their heads at....we all have an "interview suit" and Louise's journey to work is just like mine!

Really like Ricardo, he's a sweetie - babe;O)

ooooh an Roger - what a cad!!! Charm personified, no wonder Louise is all in a flutter!

Your dialogue is great, it flows really well.

I hope you post more, I want to read on!!

So shelved!! ;o)

Love Bev,
Love Overboard

I like this. Its nice and light. Ricardo immediately comes across as a sleeze. Typical isn't it, you're early and they're late. A few quibbles, the clothes she has is already described and then she describes them to her friend. A tad unnecessary I think. Also, some of your phrasing is a little strange e.g. and some a first aid box. I do love your dialogue though. Shelved.

Adding you to my watch list, like what I've seen so far, so will be back to read more soon!

Hannah x

Liked the working title...
Gonna pop this on my shelf and also tell my wife about it cos it sounds like the kind of thing she would like...
Cheers
Blackheart