THE TORMENT

WOW, I really liked it.
KC
The Mysterious Legend of Vladimir

This is a dark, disturbing read about the past coming back to haunt us. Though the bully probably deserved it, murder isn't really a good solution to problems, haha. Your writing is very professional; aside from a few parts where some tightening might be necessary, but that's only my opinion. Love the descriptions: "twigs for legs and a prune for a heart." Very well done. WL>

Dear Shaun,


You need advice on your pitch and synopsis. Based on what HC asked for earlier this year, rewrite your synopsis as a complete summary, beginning, middle and especially how The Torment ends. This is your formal brief to an editor telling her what happens in your unique novel.

Write your synopsis in the present tense. All of it. Three boys kill the bully of the school …. No blurbs. No questions to tease the editor. Tell her what happens. All the salient features.

Having done that, turn your mind to your pitch. Among the book lists on Authonomy, your pitch stands alone as your only selling tool, unsupported by your synopsis. The pitch is the first and only message she sees.

Tell her what happens in your novel. Go back to your synopsis and see whether a key sentence or two might become your pitch.

Just adding my own curiosity here. Is there a more appropriate verb than kill? Strangle? Suffocate? Drown? Tie him on a railway line? Knife? Poison? Bump him under the wheels of a passing eighteen wheeler? Kill is too easy and perhaps not convincing.

Tee-hee. Now I want to know how old Bob Crowe is. At a hundred and five thousand words you are not going to change anything in a hurry, so I’m speaking generally. Go easy on adjectives and adverbs. get rid of as many as possible. Like 80%. Read John Steinbeck’s Journal of a Novel. If his noun or verb wasn’t strong enough, he sought the appropriate ones.

My vocabulary is poor because I have no tertiary education. I discovered Roget’s Thesaurus and use it enthusiastically. My daughter stole my hard copy version so I bought myself a soft cover edition. A real treasure and easy to use.

I’m reading and liking what I see, but you might edit this tighter. Lot’s of superfluous stuff added on. I experienced the same thing when I submitted my fist novel to a literary agent. They wanted the novel but not all the words. Made me dump 30%. Tee-hee.

I took words out of sentences, sentences out of paragraphs, paragraphs out of chapters. Thinned some of my stuff by 50% believe it or not. Very easy to thin by 20%. By the time I was finished, I met their demand of 30%. Best lesson I ever learned.

Good prologue by the way.

Chapter one and the novel takes off. Lots of character involvement. I’m thinking of Donna Tarte’s The Secret History and I want to know how they killed the bully. That is not a scene the writer can brush over lightly.

I am caught up in all their panic and horror. What did they do? You handle it well. I am on tenterhooks.

Some long, over informative paras there that could be pared. They slow the story.

Eleven year olds. Primary school. Only realizing this now. I thought they were about fifteen.

Quite a bit of information dump again which slows the story.

But by now, what is going on in the story, reminds me of Alfred Hitchcock’s film Rope.
Everybody is on the edge of their seats.

This is flying now with character action and dialogue. It is the way to drive a novel.

End of chapter two and I have to compliment you.

The Torment is on my bookshelf.

Trusting my comments provide food for thought. They are not what I like or don’t like but what I have learnt over the years.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree

The author is adept not only at creating suspense but also, through little gems of interior monologue, quickly establishing sympathetic characters, thereby reinforcing the tension the reader feels as mystery and danger escalate. The prose employed is (perhaps unintentionally) almost stream-of-consciousness-like through rushing words and the repeated use of elipses, semi-colons, and commas. I am rapt by the paranormal events that take place within the creepy house in the woods and am of course compelled to read on. I do find myself wondering, however, what Bob and Gemma have to do with the people and events described in your pitch; if there is a connection, perhaps these characters could have some sort of thought as a clue or foreshadowing of the murder that haunts the three young murderers. I'm sure I will learn more as I read on. This is very engaging, and I'm putting it on my shelf.

Hi Shaun, I like the way you keep the reader engaged; really well placed and strong hooks. You've created all kinds of atmosphere and you use dialogue effectively. I agree with some other comments, and I think your story would be empowered just by trimming a few words here and there; you create so much action that readers will want to stay very close to it, extra words can distract. This is still a very good read. Shelved
Michael

This is a dark, disturbing read about the past coming back to haunt us. Though the bully probably deserved it, murder isn't really a good solution to problems, haha. Your writing is very professional; aside from a few parts where some tightening might be necessary, but that's only my opinion. Love the descriptions: "twigs for legs and a prune for a heart." Very well done. WL>

WOW, I really liked it.
KC
The Mysterious Legend of Vladimir

Dear Shaun,


You need advice on your pitch and synopsis. Based on what HC asked for earlier this year, rewrite your synopsis as a complete summary, beginning, middle and especially how The Torment ends. This is your formal brief to an editor telling her what happens in your unique novel.

Write your synopsis in the present tense. All of it. Three boys kill the bully of the school …. No blurbs. No questions to tease the editor. Tell her what happens. All the salient features.

Having done that, turn your mind to your pitch. Among the book lists on Authonomy, your pitch stands alone as your only selling tool, unsupported by your synopsis. The pitch is the first and only message she sees.

Tell her what happens in your novel. Go back to your synopsis and see whether a key sentence or two might become your pitch.

Just adding my own curiosity here. Is there a more appropriate verb than kill? Strangle? Suffocate? Drown? Tie him on a railway line? Knife? Poison? Bump him under the wheels of a passing eighteen wheeler? Kill is too easy and perhaps not convincing.

Tee-hee. Now I want to know how old Bob Crowe is. At a hundred and five thousand words you are not going to change anything in a hurry, so I’m speaking generally. Go easy on adjectives and adverbs. get rid of as many as possible. Like 80%. Read John Steinbeck’s Journal of a Novel. If his noun or verb wasn’t strong enough, he sought the appropriate ones.

My vocabulary is poor because I have no tertiary education. I discovered Roget’s Thesaurus and use it enthusiastically. My daughter stole my hard copy version so I bought myself a soft cover edition. A real treasure and easy to use.

I’m reading and liking what I see, but you might edit this tighter. Lot’s of superfluous stuff added on. I experienced the same thing when I submitted my fist novel to a literary agent. They wanted the novel but not all the words. Made me dump 30%. Tee-hee.

I took words out of sentences, sentences out of paragraphs, paragraphs out of chapters. Thinned some of my stuff by 50% believe it or not. Very easy to thin by 20%. By the time I was finished, I met their demand of 30%. Best lesson I ever learned.

Good prologue by the way.

Chapter one and the novel takes off. Lots of character involvement. I’m thinking of Donna Tarte’s The Secret History and I want to know how they killed the bully. That is not a scene the writer can brush over lightly.

I am caught up in all their panic and horror. What did they do? You handle it well. I am on tenterhooks.

Some long, over informative paras there that could be pared. They slow the story.

Eleven year olds. Primary school. Only realizing this now. I thought they were about fifteen.

Quite a bit of information dump again which slows the story.

But by now, what is going on in the story, reminds me of Alfred Hitchcock’s film Rope.
Everybody is on the edge of their seats.

This is flying now with character action and dialogue. It is the way to drive a novel.

End of chapter two and I have to compliment you.

The Torment is on my bookshelf.

Trusting my comments provide food for thought. They are not what I like or don’t like but what I have learnt over the years.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree

The author is adept not only at creating suspense but also, through little gems of interior monologue, quickly establishing sympathetic characters, thereby reinforcing the tension the reader feels as mystery and danger escalate. The prose employed is (perhaps unintentionally) almost stream-of-consciousness-like through rushing words and the repeated use of elipses, semi-colons, and commas. I am rapt by the paranormal events that take place within the creepy house in the woods and am of course compelled to read on. I do find myself wondering, however, what Bob and Gemma have to do with the people and events described in your pitch; if there is a connection, perhaps these characters could have some sort of thought as a clue or foreshadowing of the murder that haunts the three young murderers. I'm sure I will learn more as I read on. This is very engaging, and I'm putting it on my shelf.

shaun,

I am the author of Standalone Farm (sci fi/horror). Your synopsis is interesting. Would you care to do a book swap? i.e. we critique and possibly back each others?

Paul Samuel

Very suspenseful. You have a way with words - great descriptions; I would suggest that you tighten your sentences, however. Judicious editing would move the story quickly without interrupting the plot.
Rebecca

Hi Shaun, I like the way you keep the reader engaged; really well placed and strong hooks. You've created all kinds of atmosphere and you use dialogue effectively. I agree with some other comments, and I think your story would be empowered just by trimming a few words here and there; you create so much action that readers will want to stay very close to it, extra words can distract. This is still a very good read. Shelved
Michael

Hi Shaun,
Your story is very readable with a good amount of tension to keep enticing the reader. I think you're dialog is very good and believable. Well done, I'm sliding this onto the bookshelf. Eric

Hi Shaun, just want to start out by saying that you are a natural storyteller and you have a flair for infusing drama within your opening to keep the reader interested. I think the opening works well but there are a few area I think could be even better. Remember though, this is just my opinion, if the advice resonates with you, take it, if not, toss it.


- In general it's a good idea to cut extraneous words, and it is especially true in regards to the opening sentences:
"An old face appeared in the window. It was strained and pale. The rain on the glass helped to mask the age of the face but nothing could hide the sadness of the old man." could be, "An old face appeared in the window, strained and pale. Rain on the glass helped mask it's age, but nothing could hide the old man's sadness."

- Also, the opening statements are a bit contradictory. You say it's an old face but the rain masks the age. This could be amended by saying "it's exact age."

-"Bob Crowe looked down at his hands as they rested on the rim of the kitchen sink; his arthritic knuckles like cannonballs and the blue veins stretching across them looked like electric cables." Again, look to cut extraneous words. Also, you don't need to use the semi-colon here. A comma would work just as well without snagging the reader's eye. Ex: "Bob Crowe looked at his hands resting on the rim of the kitchen sink, his arthritic knuckles like cannonballs, blue veins stretching across them like electric cables."

- "He sighed deeply, fed up with what he had become and where his life had taken him..." Beware of "telling." The old writing adage is "show, don't tell." Show the reader that Bob is fed up and depressed, don't tell us he is.

- "...he had no idea that today would be his last." While there is nothing technically wrong with this, since you're writing from an omniscient POV, it has an anticlimactic effect. I'd suggest cutting the omniscient observations and staying within Bob's POV in order to better maintain reader interest.

- "...something loony for that girl; whether she knew it or not." Again, not sure why you're choosing to go with the semicolon rather than a comma.

- "Bob shuffled as if his legs were buried beneath plaster casts..." A very well-done simile, good job! However, beware of using too many similies and metaphors. A good, well-placed similie or metaphor heightens and improves writing, while a bad one, or too many, detracts from it. In the following passage, "By the time he had stepped into his boots, his loyal dog was stood by his side like a life-giving oxygen tank and wagging his tail like a new-born pup" you have two that aren't as strong. Also looks like you have a typo with "was stood." As a rule of thumb (and remember it's just a guideline) try to limit similies and metaphors to about one or two per page of writing.

- "...covered in ornaments and brass 'thingy-majigs' as Betty used to call them." Good small detail. These are the type of things that make characters seem real, and as a result make the reader care about what happens to them. However, I'd suggest searching for something a bit more specific, only because so many women collect knickknacks and call them 'thingy-majigs.' Ex: What if Betty had collected miniature gnome statues, and now Bob has dozens of pairs of tiny gnome eyes staring at him whenever he goes into that room?

- "...;as long as no one took away his...didn't give a damn." This is a redundant statement, as you already made the point earlier in the paragraph. Also, why the semicolon again?

- "Max was struggling in front, his limp was getting worse by the day but his tail was still high because he was as happy has a sand boy." First, this is a comma splice, two complete sentences separated by a comma. While the rules of grammar are much looser in fiction, they should be broken for a reason, in order to enhance the reading experience, and that's not the case here. Make it "...in front. His limp..." Second, remember "show, don't tell." You show that Max is happy with his high tail, so there's no reason to tell the reader afterward. Finally, the "happy as a sand boy" similie isn't needed and is hard to understand, as I'm not sure what a sand boy is.

- "The fields stretched quite a way out in front;...Bob didn't even want to look." Unnecessary semicolon use again, and the second half of the passage, after the semicolon, is a bit of a run-on and hard to understand. It should be reworded.

- "Bob took his cap from his head and..." Don't need to tell the reader he took his cap off his head because it would be assumed so. Remember, cut those extra words wherever possible. How about "Bob removed his cap and..."

- "He puffed his breath and wished that Betty was here or even better than that, Bob wasn't here and he was somewhere else, somewhere with his wife...and his dog." Awkward and wordy. Perhaps, "He exhaled heavily, wishing Betty were here. Or, even better, that he and Max were somewhere else with her."

- "...his eyes danced passed Bob..." "passed" should be "past"

- ...his ears flickering like a nervous tic." This comes off as redundant, since flickering is an uncommon verb and you used it in the previous paragraph. I also question the strength of the similie.

- ["Jumpin' Jesus! Max!" Bob croaked.] Watch out for using 'non-speaking' verbs to replace "said." For example, you can yell words or whisper them, but you can't croak them.

- "...he told the voice of Betty that consumed his head." The way this is worded will undoubtedly conjur unintended images in readers' minds.

- "He grabbed the fence and hoisted his leg with tremendous pain as he just managed it over the style in the fence." Awkward, needs to be reworded. Ex: "He grabbed the fence and with tremendous pain barely managed to hoist his leg over the style."

- "A dirt track, similar to the one they had walked along to cross the field was on this side too but it was shrouded by trees rather than a fence and cut across Bob's awkward stance." Another awkward run-on. Ex: "Another dirt track similar to the one they had walked along was on this side, shrouded by trees. It cut across Bob's awkward stance."

- "...it forced Bob to walk quicker, Max had stopped..." Comma splice

- "Max stood and turned to watch Bob pottering after him;" Two things: the semicolon use, and the verb "potter" doesn't fit. Dictionary has it defined as 'to walk lazily or idly; to saunter.' That's not what Bob is doing here.

-"He slowly straightened himself...and held it to his heart." Don't need 'himself.' Also, there are three similies within this short paragraph, one of which - 'his mouth was dry like sandpaper' - doesn't work very well. If one was to describe sandpaper, the first thing to come to mind would likely be 'rough' not 'dry.' It also contradicts a statement later in the paragraph, about him licking his lips moist. How does this happen if his mouth is so dry?

- "...it looked older than God's goldfish..." Not following the logic in this statement

- "...he wondered what the hell a house was doing down here?" Is there a reason there shouldn't be? You should inform the reader of this reason if so, because a house in a field doesn't seem all that strange.

- "The dog remained still but its muscles twitching like livewire." I assume you meant "twitched" or "were twitching." This is also a contradictory statement, and you have overdone the 'twitching' descriptions at this point.

- ["No...no..." he whispered.] You need a comma after the second ellipsis if following it with 'he whispered."

- "...was Betty...Bob's dead wife." Good, dramatic ending! However, you're stating info the reader already knows by pointing out that Betty is Bob's dead wife.

You create an atmosphere of suspense at the beginning of the prologue, which you maintain throughout. There is a good helping of intrigue and mystery leaving the reader wanting to know more about the house and Gemma’s connection to it. Some of the analogies you used in the prologue seemed a bit random such as a boil spoiling the schoolgirl’s picture and the dog being an oxygen tank as they don’t seem to fit in with the theme of the novel.

In chapter 2 you paint the picture of domestic violence only too well, so that it’s palpable. By the end of the chapter I cared about the characters and worried about what would happen to them.

I’ve put you on my shelf.

I wonder if you’d be good enough to look at my novel if you get a chance?

Ah, one other thing (I feel like Columbo) - the word "bastard" in your pitch is maybe a bit strong... that said, it does make me want to know what the guy did to deserve it...

Hi Shaun, glad to get around to your book at last. Some thoughts on chapter one: it's a cracking opening and there's great sympathy for the old man and his old dog. There was an especially poignant moment when he says that he wished his wife was here... or that he was somewhere else. There's also a bit of life in both old dogs yet, with Bob thinking of the barmaid and the dog loyal to its master. Looks like Bob's not going to be in the game much longer, but it showed the strength of your writing for me.

Some criticisms - a bit too many similies when you already have good figures on the go. One that stuck out for me was when you said the dog's ears "flickered, like a nervous tic". I think "flickered" is fine on its own. Also, "happy as a sand boy" was in there; this is a bit of a cliche and they're best avoided. I grimace at saying these pedantic things as you're clearly an accomplished writer and don't need to hear it - everyone needs a wee polish here and there, though.

Sorry I can't stay much longer - not been especially active on the site this past fortnight, need to plough on with reads. This has been on my shelf for almost all that time though, very glad to get around to it.

All the best,

P

Hi Shaun - I've read Chapter 1 and was definately hooked in. Creepy!

I did feel that the writing occasionally lacks subtlety, but found the 'teenage girl with the boil' image highly effective - I could just picture a brown dog curled up in a rippling patch of otherwise clean, smooth white bedspread - apt image I think. I also like the 'prune for a heart' image...

Getting down to the third section - the line about her feet hovering mockingly above the floor felt out of place and seemed to come from outside her perspective. I know what you mean, and it's a good visual - but I don't think it fits. The girl is strangling! To death! I think she'd be too busy being absolutely shocked and terrified to register a minor sense of frustration! :) "...her breathing was raspy and the ground had disappeared. She kicked her feet, trying to find a hold and take the choking pressure off her neck, but there was only empty air and desperation - " or something... Stay in her head. My advice is to try to immerse yourself in a sense of being strangled and write it as you feel it.

This scene is ripe for high emotion and intensity - and although all the elements are there, I don't think you've quite nailed it yet - -

- - and I guess that's what I want to say overall. Gripping idea, obvious ability to convey character, to interest the reader, to evoke atmosphere - - all the elements are there. Just feel like this needs some more work. I think the comments you have here are a great place to start. I reckon a good read-through with some careful editing and re-writing would really boost your work.

I hope this is helpful and I wish you all the best with it. Feel free to ignore all this of course - my own work is highly flawed and this is just my opinion.

I'll try to get back and read some more soon -

Pink

Shaun,
I've read several chapters now and am really enjoying it. I just wanted to give you some comments before I head off to bed tonight.

I enjoyed the prologue, liked the creepiness it evoked. However I didn't like the way you ended the section where Bob looked at the house and saw his dead wife. You write..."Betty...Bob's dead wife." It totally took away the wow factor for me, because I already know who Betty is and explaining it to me at that point is redundant. I felt you could really place an excellent punch line at this point.

You have some fantastic imagery and word play. I enjoyed the description of Gemma and her take on committment- esp. the nod, nod, nod part. I liked the idea of the louder you scream the faster you go! ah, insanity! Also I was totally pulled in to the description of Sandyfields Road as Daniel walks to meet his friend.

Sometimes the thoughts or writings you put in parenthesis seem like over writing to me- I could have done without most of them. Also when you have thoughts in italics- for instance, when Jimmy is thinking about going to school after his mom yells to him- it doesn't seem consistent with how I would perceive the character to think. My daughter is 11 and while she loves to throw out a lot of cursing, I can't see her capable of grasping such big thoughts as Jimmy's on insanity, etc. I honestly felt that the boys seemed much older than that age group- at least 13.
Thanks for the good read and good luck!
Cy
the Neverlight

Shaun,
I've read several chapters now and am really enjoying it. I just wanted to give you some comments before I head off to bed tonight.

I enjoyed the prologue, liked the creepiness it evoked. However I didn't like the way you ended the section where Bob looked at the house and saw his dead wife. You write..."Betty...Bob's dead wife." It totally took away the wow factor for me, because I already know who Betty is and explaining it to me at that point is redundant. I felt you could really place an excellent punch line at this point.

You have some fantastic imagery and word play. I enjoyed the description of Gemma and her take on committment- esp. the nod, nod, nod part. I liked the idea of the louder you scream the faster you go! ah, insanity! Also I was totally pulled in to the description of Sandyfields Road as Daniel walks to meet his friend.

Sometimes the thoughts or writings you put in parenthesis seem like over writing to me- I could have done without most of them. Also when you have thoughts in italics- for instance, when Jimmy is thinking about going to school after his mom yells to him- it doesn't seem consistent with how I would perceive the character to think. My daughter is 11 and while she loves to throw out a lot of cursing, I can't see her capable of grasping such big thoughts as Jimmy's on insanity, etc. I honestly felt that the boys seemed much older than that age group- at least 13.
Thanks for the good read and good luck!
Cy
the Neverlight

Hi Shaun,
We must be psychic! =) Below are my ridiculously lengthy comments on the first section. Take what you will and as you see fit.

Like your pitch but the line beginning "Three young boys who were the best friends you could imagine did everything together" was awkward. I've not started reading yet, but pitches should be in present tense. So here's an example of what that might sound like: "Three young boys--best friends to the last--do a very bad thing." I'm sure you could do a better version, but that's just an idea.

Okay moving on to the Prologue:
I'd recommend not using the word prologue. Make your first scene chapter 1--we won't tell the difference. Lots of agents and editors really hate the dreaded word prologue, and some will even reject a manuscript outright if a book has one. I personally love them but...
Recommend removing "st" from "21st."

"hide the sadness of the old man." Consider: "hide the sadness in the old man's eyes." (a bit more specific about where the sadness is visible.)

"his arthritic knuckles like cannonballs..." Here you'll need a verb to make this grammatically correct. Here's an example: "...his arthritic knuckles bulged like cannonballs..."

"...he had no idea that today would be his last." This is a jarring POV switch. It feels like an authorial intrusion for dramatic effect, but I was just then getting into the old man's head, feeling what he was feeling. You've already hooked me with the face in the window--not sure this hook is needed?

LOVE THIS: "His turn from the sink was as quick as he could muster but it was in stages." What a perfect detail!

"Max!" He hollered..." Lowercase the H in "He."

"She was as just about hot enough to stir..." Consider: "She was just hot enough to stir..."

Comma or dash, not semi-colon after "girl."

No comma after "casts."

Start a new sentence after "thickness."

Consider: "Bob would hiss at Mrs. Coyle who sometimes..."

Might be a UK thing, but I'd omit "was" in this sentence: "...his loyal dog was stood by his side..." Also, used wagged, not wagging in this sentence.

Comma before "ain't we boy?" Also, this self-dialogue in this paragraph seems too lengthy. Can you cut some for brevity? Even when we talk to our pets, we don't talk long! =) Also, instead of the last half paragraph, consider cutting to just: "Max just looked at Bob but his eyes said he understood."

"...to reach the fields; it was..." Period after fields here. Put your semi-colon after "achieve."

"the old man." Any time you refer to Bob as the old man, or even, the owner, you are pulling out of Bob's head and heading into omniscient POV. It is jarring for the reader because we aren't sure who's telling the story. Recommend choosing one or the other POVs--there are merits to both routes.

"...licking things Bob didn't even want to look." Insert the word "at" at the end of this sentence.

LOVE THIS: "...armed away a film of sweat that had gathered." Great visual.

In the sentence: "He puffed his breath..." Switch the "He" and "Bob" around for clarity.

"...gonna be the last of me", A good rule of thumb is that commas go inside quote marks, always.

"...whassack!'. Omit period here.

Recommend using your find feature on your word processor to look up and replace these three over-used words: looked, turned, and stood (don't worry, we ALL over-use these words--me more than most probably!!)

"...heard Bob call him..." You've switched POVs here to the dog. Whoa! Again, recommend sticking to a close 3rd in Bob's head only or a more clinical and observational approach with omnicient.

Overall, I like your use of similies and metaphors. Some people are just rubbish at them (myself included), so I always perk up when a writer can pull them off. Well done.

There were two main issues I saw: POV switches and a first scene that was too lengthy. Both are easy fixes, as you have a good style and voice. I loved the cliffhanger with the dead wife--good stuff, and you had some phrases scattered throughout which were lovely. I'd recommend "getting to the good stuff" sooner. You might have a trusted reader go through and help you eliminate some of the unnecessary bits, so that it reads smoothly without any lags.

Okay, I think that's all I had. I've got to stop at this point because work is calling--agh! Let me know if you do happen to revise. I'd like to take another look at that point, and hopefully back you because I love the creepy concept of this book!
~Cheri =)

Dear Shaun,

Great Prologue--A Well-written and hook after hook until the final surprise and another hook--who could stop there? A perfect beginning.

PART ONE-CHAPTER One--You have a good story here but Sections 1 through 5 are way too long. Kris and Daniel should have their stories/soliloquies shortened to the same length as Daniel's. Section 6 and 7 seem almost irrelevant to the plot except for Mr. Davies seeing the biys run away from school. And I am not sure if that is relevant. They do introduce Mr. Davies and I suspect he is relevant. The two chapters could be combined and shortened to essentials. Section 8 is Great--we just need get there a little quicker. You have good, intersting story. I'm putting you on my Watchlist and I'll be back for more.

Good luck. Jan

love the cover graphic...is it an authonomy one or is it custom?

peace,
kel

Shaun--

Chapter one is creepy and atmospheric with great suspense. You did so much right in this chapter I don't know where to begin. Everything worked for me.

Chapter two--I had a few issues with. I think there were a few times where there was too much information given out at one time, or perhaps what was given was over-explained. For example, by the end of the chapter I was sort of tired of Daniel's family issues. My only suggestion on this would be to consider maybe throttling back on the description early on so people wonder just how far the abuse goes, and then continue to build the descriptions throughout the chapter, so that the reader is continually thinking "oh, so that's how bad, Oh, so it's worse, OH, my! that bastard!"

Great start to the novel, overall tho. I'm going to try to come back and read more as time allows. Popping you on my shelf now, tho.

Good luck!

Muirae

Hello Shaun,

Just a comment on your pitch. It's gripping and makes me want to read the book, but to make it tighter cut -
(1) Somehow . . . no one found out is more powerful. (2) Like we all do.

It's going on my watch list and I'll be back for more.

Joanna

shaun--

I loved the dialogue and interplay among the characters. I did skim the first chapter/prologue a little waiting for the real start of the story, but once I had it I was delighted and read through my coffee break. There is no need for an editing critique because while there are a few little quirks an editor will point out (some adverb usage, tense and maybe a bit of over-long description), none of that is serious enough to detract from the obvious overall quality. I will put The Torment on my shelf!

Annmarie

I have got to stop reading books in my lunch break. I couldn't leave until I had finished chapter 2 and am now 15 mins late again!

Obviously a gripping tale and the quiet desperation between the boys is well written. Looking forward to reading more and seeing where you take it next.

Sarah

I like this, I like different people coming at the same thing from different angles. The story builds nicely and the characters are well defined. This may seem irrelevant but I wanted to know what the table looked like in the early chapters, if it was a pub table was it round with cast iron legs or a long rectangular one? With the father making such a fuss over it I thought we should be told why he rated it so highly. On my shelf and I will continue reading. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Shaun
Firsly, my apologies for not reading this sooner. It's been languishing at the bottom of my WL and somehow didn't move up.
"Come on boy! Let's go kill ourselves." is one of the best lines I've read on authonomy. There is a real sense of atmosphere in your writing and, though not a horror reader, I found it compelling. My only negative thought was that the end of chapter 1 - his dead wife in the window - was very Psycho-esque.
Watch out for the passive verbs (especially important to keep it tense in chap 3) and cut some adjectives and adverbs. A little tightening will turn this good story into a best seller. On my shelf - deservedly.
Murray
The Jin Deception

Definitey a spooky ending to chapter one. You build the suspense well and I definitely want to read pn. Your language is rich and I love the way that you portray the relationship between man and dog.
On my shelf and will read more soon,
SarahK

Hi Shaun.
Creepy, creepy ,creepy. This is what you're after and this is what you achieve.
Nice atmosphere...has a very *british* feel to it, and none the worse for that.
It's about time we had another horror writer making it.
I loved some of your descriptions, the analogies '...knuckles like cannonballs...' and so on. Vivid.
Yet sometimes, *I* feel (and I'm trying to be constructive, as requested!), that you overwrite some descriptive passages that don't benefit from the prose and in other places, you miss the chance to be inventive and add more atmosphere.
For instance, when you describe Max (loving the name!) as being at his side '...like a life-giving oxygen tank...'
I get what you're trying to do but, to my mind, it ain't working. Clunky is the word that sprang to mind, particularly from the man who gave me knuckles like cannonballs.
Then there are places where, I think, you miss the chance to *be* inventive and hit us between the eyes '...screamed until everything became black.' Sorry mate, ho-hum. I *know* it does exactly what it says on the tin, but sometimes I'd like to have to read between the lines, as it were!
Right, stopping, cos I'm getting tutor-ish and that I am not!
I really liked this ,overall, but, as with ninety nine percent of boooks here - with mine at the top of the list - there's nothing wrong that a careful read through and prune and polish won't fix.
Have spot on the revolver.
This one is worthy of a wider audience...and maybe people need to read your plea for crits. Shelves is *very* nice, but good ideas is nicer! ;-p
All the best
Max (wishing *he* had the attitude of a puppy!)

Hey Shaun,
Good opening para. There is a strength in your writing, which helps the story be frightening.
I'll be back soon to read chapter 2.
cheers

Hi Shaun
hmm -chapter 1 here - excellent, really sharp, tightly written, no almost anythings here! The difference is huge! Chap 2 - I think this is over written - you could get it across that his dad is a bully and his mother downtrodden in few well edited sentences like Chp 1 - as it is, I found myself getting a bit bored - I wanted to get to the point - which is obvioulsy a very important one! Chap 3 next! Ok, have read some of it - I think it too would benefit from tightening up, shortening - the important information to get across is the anxiety each boy is feeling over that has happened, and how soon it's going to emerge - are they going to be found out - this can come across quite quickly in shorter bursts. You have some mixed tenses by the way, and the paragraph that starts 'Sandyfield Roads...'is what my editor refers to as a Reader Feeder - this is when the author intervenes to tell us something that he thinks we need to know - absolutely avoid this if you possibly can - put the information in breifly another way - from the boy's thoughts or whatever. Not got time to read anymore now but I do think this is good work - there is obviously a good story here and I want to know where it's going, but I do find it gets bogged down a lot where it needn't. I will come back toi review more again.
Maria (akashicvibe)>

Hi Shaun - again, I'm picking up stuff as I go along and noting it here so that it doesn't get lost! What I said in the last commen - run the word check on "almost'- it crops up far too often and about three times in one section - almosts, and nearlies, are NO NOs! They are indecisive and this comes across - I want the author's voice to be strong, sure - and these kind of words give me pause... doubt.... but all this is very easily fixed, trust me! (consider - can you álmost stagger? almost stop dead? I think you stop dead! You stagger.... you don't álmost do either.) By the way my apopostrophes do not work on here so forgive the accent marks and speech marks that keep appearing instead! Surely no one could live there - should have a question mark after it, because although it is a statement, the question is implicit within it. How cool! Definitely should have an exclamation mark, NOT a question mark, because HOW COOL is a very commnly accepte colloqulism widely accepted now as a statement of fact. She was alll alone... for now. You don't need 'for now''... the possibility that there is someone watching, that there is someone in the house, is already in our psyche. I'd take that out. Pronto, as well as all the almosts bar about one (almost unbearable... this I thought fit well). .... grabbed it with two hands and turned but nothing. This would be better 'and turned. Nothing." Her heart almost stopped and she felt a warm trickle in her groin.... I'd take this out - I think the line above and those below work much better without it - we know she's s*** scared by now, I don't think you need the imagery of her weeing herself! Ok, that's my critique briefly on Chp 2 - I'm only pointing out the 'bad stuff'because I think you can really sharpen this up with some good editing, and I'm definitely intrigued and want to know what the heck is in this house... on to Chp 3 now!

There’s definitely potential here for a good story. There were some chilling moments, particularly the end of the first section of the prologue and the whole of the third section. And I liked the way that you portrayed Daniel’s thoughts at the end of the second section of chapter 1 with ‘(the dead one)’ coming in at intervals. There’s obviously a tense plot being set up here, and the idea of doing something bad as a child that comes back to haunt you – while a popular one in books and movies – is always interesting.

I think you need to do a little bit more editing work here, though. Personally I would cut the first paragraph and start the story with the second. The first was a bit confusing to me. A face appeared in the window … appeared to whom? It’s only a bit further in that I realise he was looking at his reflection. Also talking about ‘the old man’ doesn’t help me get inside Bob’s head, cos that’s not how he’d think of himself. Why not start firmly from Bob’s POV?

Likewise ‘he had no idea that today would be his last’ takes me out of the atmosphere. At this early stage, I wouldn’t give away what’s going to happen if I were you.

In my opinion (for what it's worth) you overdo the description slightly. ‘The blue veins stretching across them looked like electric cables’, ‘spoiling it like a boil spoils a teenage girl’s school year photograph’, ‘his loyal dog was stood by his side like a life-giving oxygen tank’. Interesting and quirky descriptions are good, but these have a slight feeling of ‘trying too hard’ about them. What does it really mean for a dog to be standing by your side like a life-giving oxygen tank? The dog is made of metal, full of gas, attached to you by tubes? OK, I’m being facetious. But I think if you want to show that Bob depends on his dog as his only friend and companion after the death of his wife, you’d be better off doing it more subtly – conveying by Bob’s words and actions how much he cares for the dog, despite the fact he’s cantankerous around everybody else.

I hope this is helpful. You’ve got some good ideas and some genuinely chilling moments. I just think you need to trim your prose a bit to make it even more sparse and disturbing.

Hi Shaun - I tend to drop down to the commets box to note things as I go along, otherwise I'll forget. I've come back to read more now and do remember this - it's definitely intriguing, but I think you could tighten up this first chapter - for example, do a quick wordsearch and see how many times you have used the word OLD - you won't realise you're doing it, but you'll be horrified at how many times it comes up. This is a trick I learned from one or other book on writing skills I read sometime - and it's actually very useful! Pick any word (and it's especially useful for little insignificant works like that, there, is, anything with 'ly' it - you'll be amazed at how many duplicates you can pick out and dump without spoiling the story. Ok, posting this comment so I can get back to the story.
Maria (akashicvibe!)

Hey Shaun, I like this idea very much. The past returning to get us is a great basis for a book . . . I'm scared already . . .

Bob and Max are beautifully described - I can picture both of them - and I feel sorry for both of them.
( Teeny thing - I spotted a typo in Chapter One where you've written 'style' and it should be 'stile'.) But what a fantastic ending to that section . . . it really sent the shivers down my spine!

Chapter 2 with the three boys is really well-written. The boys are brilliant characters, so believable. I can feel the torment they're going through, it's harrowing! The tension builds and builds . . .

I was reminded slightly of Stephen King's 'IT', except that has an evil clown and not an evil house. I think you have a real winner here though and wish you lots of luck with it. (I'm just going to turn all the lights on . . .)!

I'm shelving you . . .

Berni x

Hi Shaun
I noticed your thread tonight about being asked for the whole MS. I thought I’d take a look to see if there were any areas I could help with before sending it off. (although I am no expert and don't claim to be) I think the following notes are probably a good place to start as there is an awful lot of telling going on in the story. I think you would do well to have a quick polish before you send it off.

2
Those who drove passed (past)
Her eyes could see its roof - why not – she could see its roof.
Her heart (was) thudding in her chest - try simply – her heart thudded
There are a lot of redundant words that could be cut without losing, (in fact it would add) impact.
Like this:
She was frantically rattling the door handle but it wouldn’t budge.
Try this:
Frantically, she rattled the door handle but it refused to budge
She was crying now – redundant - as you go on to show us with tears etc.,
She was – if you run a search for all the she wasses and find a way to eliminate them with a stronger sentence you would find the story becomes more visual. (show don’t tell)
I am going to WL this for now. I try to be honest in my comments and to shelve it at this point would not feel quite right as there is a lot of work needed. I do like the premise and look forward to reading the edited version.
Good luck and best wishes
I'd do a search on the agent if I were you just to make sure it's not one of those many companies who offer to edit for a price!
Sue

Hey Shaun,

I think you have the makings of a first class spine tingler here - however, I also think you need to do a great deal of cutting in your prologue. You didn't get my attention until Bob saw the house - by that time, I believe most readers would have given up (and missed some excellent stuff in the process). But all things considered, after (in my humble opinion) a rocky start, you made me want to read on - so welcome to my shelf!

~Traci

Have you ever read Graham Joyce’s The Tooth Fairy? If not, you should – it has a similar plot. Three boys kill a bully and it haunts them for a very long time… Plus there’s also the Stephen King parallel, of course.

“He had no idea that today would be his last”. Who is saying this? It’s not Bob, because he doesn’t know – it’s you as the author. You’re telling us about Bob, rather than letting Bob show us who he is. You’ve got a few tense switches past-present and an awful lot of old things – old dog, old man, old house. But a great feeling of menace. Was a bit uncertain towards the end – Bob had seen Gemma and thought she was Betty, and Gemma had seen Bob walking away from the house and yet you’ve told us that it’s Bob’s last day alive. Or has something in the house killed him and turned him into something else? Or am I being impatient?!

Like the Julie and Jack interplay in Chapter 1. You’ve got some great observations on the lives of young boys and excellent dialogue. Again a few tense slips (did you originally write this in the present tense?), but they’re easily fixable. I think you could probably cut quite a bit out of this chapter without harming the story, but you’re probably right to leave it all in for now. I do wonder whether you started this story in the right place though – I felt I wanted to know what had actually happened to Bruce rather than referrals to it. But it’s your story.

But there’s a really good sense of tension and menace in this. Good writing. I enjoyed reading this very much

I like this book, even if it reminded me too much of some stories by Stephen King. You can even take this as a compliment, I think. I liked the way you described the house, and the fact that it symbolizes a secret that must be forgotten, that nobody but the three guys will ever know. and the fact of how 'they' (this 'They' could be unpleasant memories, ghosts, dead men?) at times come back. Now: the opening is a little slow, but intriguing if you read on (I like the way the old man look at himself in the mirror). Some superflous words should be cut, here and there. Don't fear to use a little of swearings here and there. In 'fuck!' or 'Holy shit!' there are a lot of meanings you cannot give with not even a thousand words.
Raven falls... good name. Raven can symbolize a lot of things, even a bully?
I liked this book, or at least the part that I read.
Keep on working on it, this could be pubblished some day.

W. A. R.

hi gilly,

eye-catching pitch, and you've mastered the art of building tension in your quirky characters.

love this sort of thing and you'll be on my shelf in a few minutes.

i've only read c1 so far because i have a few nitpicks. if you like the nitpicks i'm finding i will happily read a bit more for you and list any i find. if you don't like the nitpicks i'll just comment on the story. let me know either way.

nitpicks-knuckles like cannonballs-i get what you're trying to say, but the eye can't see it(huge and black?) is he black? if he's white-how about cueballs?

cardinal sin-he had no idea today was going to be his last-i wouldn't tell people what is going to happen-sort of tkes away the fun.-how about-what fate had in store for him.

love the dog as an oxygen tank and his tail with an electric current-genius.

2. watching(all those) probs superflous.
she licked her upper lip with interest and what (her tastebuds) didn't recognise-just an alternative.

when using italics as thoughts-you don't need to tell us she thought it afterwards.

she never touched it-alternative-in italics-i never touched it.

(even) believe-superflous

3. second. Hot -new sentence

2nd, 3rd & 4th last sentences have no capitals.

have fun-TJ

Great characterization. Your simile's are wonderful. They really create a voice and vivid images in my head. The tension was spot on, frightening with the ability to draw out emotion. Worth a shelf spot for a little bit.
Stauna

hey gilly,

put you on my WL-might be weekend before i get to you though.

mine is only a kids adventure-but with a view to yours, i'll read anything.

looking forward to it-TJ

Hi Shaun

I have only read a couple of pages but it's intriguing enough for me to want to read more - spotted some simple tense errors but am watchlisting this and will come back to it later to review when I have time to do it properly. I think I'm going to like this a lot!
Maria (aka akashic vibe).

Wow. Intrigue and suspense. In the first chapter, when you state the protagonist is going to die, it pulls the reader out of the story. Then when you state his dead wife is in the house, it pulled the reader out - difficult to tell if that was his opinion or a different time frame. It was confusing whether he knew the house or you were telling what he was about to discover in the house. The dialogue is authentic to the characters. the descriptions are vivid. Particularly the jogging hips paragraph which was over the top. Your gift is building up emotions and teasing the reader. A page turner. I placed you on my shelf. Good luck. Janet Marie

Comments on Chapter 1/Prologue

You introduce your scenes and characters well. Some broad sweeps of paint, and an instant 3-d character is formed. By doing this you make us care for them, even if just a little, so when you tell us Bob is going to die today, I feel you are robbing us a little of the worry for him. We stop ourself getting involved with this old man, because, hey, he isn't going to last too long. Unless you're playing us for a fool, and this is going to be a LONG day.

The line about the veins like electric cables is good, but would work even better by leaving the "looked" out of it. Go the full hog with your metaphors.

faeces on the window. Go the full hog, make it shit, or at least crap.

Chapter 2.

Kris Watson's guilty thoughts sound more like an adult's. "bubbling droplet of guilt" "innocent mother". No way is a kid going to think these thoughts. Shit, I wouldn't think like that.

Again, however, the characters are well drawn. I'm wondering if you are introducing too many in such a short period. Perhaps we need to spend more time with each? It's too early to be sure, however.

I've read enough. You're onto something here. There may be a little too much tell as opposed to show (maybe we could SEE some of the bigger kid's teasing earlier in the piece?). I would also urge you to concentrate particularly on POV, of holding on tight to it in every scene and not deviate into stuff about the history of the area, for instance; it's interesting stuff, but doesn't belong here (an older character might know some of that, though). The dialogue and settings are effective, however. So on my shelf for further inspection (and hope it doesn't turn into a reproduction of Stand by Me.)

Regards,

TomW

The Torment

Hi Shaun, I notice you are a fan of James Herbert, me too, read them all a long time ago and this story was very reminiscent (in a flattering way) of his work. You definitely have a powerful, engaging and horrific tale here and you have a fresh and exciting writing style. The characters are introduced nicely, you certainly know them well, even if it is just to kill them off pretty soon afterwards... I think the notion of the prologue works well but it does need tightening up, some of your metaphors are gorgeous, the knuckles like cannonballs, the veins like electric cables, that gave me a nice picture of what the old guy looked like. But other ones didn't fly for me and pitched me out of the story, the dog like a boil on a teenage girl's face - a really creative and inventive phrase and it may just be me but I think that one should probably be cut. I also wonder if the prologue should be shorter, the content is great but there is a lot of extraneous detail, information you need as the writer to better describe the scene, but information you will probably cut in subsequent re-writing in the interests of pacing the story better.

In horror terms it is great and I think I must be reading quite an early draft, there still seem to be quite a few of the additional bits you would edit out as you re-read through your prose and tightened up the plot elements. I think the scene with the old man and the female jogger are both well envisioned, we can see them, hear their thoughts, I just think you now need to tighten each of these sections. Finally, and I know nothing about POV really, it just jagged briefly when I found myself briefly in the dog's head for a moment when the old guy was chasing him over the field, again could just be me.

Overall a rich and powerful piece of writing, evocative and wonderfully creepy...thank you for suggesting a reading swap, I enjoyed this very much and will shelve it, it is definitely the sort of thing I would have read when I was in that pulp horror phase of my life...you know James Herbert, Stephen King, Dean Koontz, Richard Lamon, Shaun Hutson and the much unrated, but wonderful Guy N. Smith... best wishes and best of luck - Andrew W.

Shaun,

You know, I read your pitch and, despite the last line about the dead boy perhaps exacting his revenge, I never envisioned a supernatural underpinning. I assumed this was a Dennis Lehane thing. Adults going back to confront the metaphorical demons of their past. So I was thrown, especially, by the first chapter, by the realization that this is at least in part a story about actual demons.

The pitch also hadn't prepared me for encountering any of the characters who inhabited Ch. 1. Your main characters never even appear in the opening chapter, and it's not a particularly short chapter. I'm not a book editor, and this isn't a typical genre for me, but that seems pretty unusual.

Also, through three lenghty chapters, I don't see these three kids as the adults your pitch talks about them as. I see them as kids, starting out with the deadly deed already done (and get a lot of back story about Daniel's life and his lout of a dad) and then in the act, which is well described. But, and this might be a minority opinion, I think you need to get the adult version of these three in sooner.

I guess that's it really. I wonder if you're trying to do too much with this, and even if not, whether you've got the right structure and order set. Maybe you pull it off, but I'm not sure I'd be quite compelled enough to read on and find out how all the pieces get connected. Sorry.

Sure there are some horror readers out there who will be far more compelled, though. You seem to know your was around the genre well, and your writing is mostly good.

Best of luck as you move this forward through the grinding process of editing and revision. I hope you have success with it.

Chuck

Hi there ,
I just took a quick look at your first chapter (I’ll come back later) and I’ll have to say that you are a gifted writer , you create an atmosphere of mystery and have it under control at all times. Very creepy background bur your words flow masterfully and maintain the momentum . I’ll come back later to read more and I’ll watch list it for now 

Ahhhh---supernatural story---right up my alley. Strange abandoned house---dead wife in the window---spirit of Bruce the (deservedly) dead bully probably hanging out downstairs...has a bit of a Stand By Me flavor. Interesting concept. Liked your way of tying the first three (Authonomy sized) chapters together with the house. And that line---he had no interest in the expanding hole in the ozone layer ... or even the rising sea levels---HEY! That's me you're talking about (my exact attitude about both subjects). Ah, hell, go ahead. Everyone else talks about me.

And you're right on target about dogs (and children) being able to see things that we adults can't (and don't assume it's the adults who are right---we've just forgotten that lost ability). Liked the way you transitioned Gemma into the I--see-my--dead--wife scene.

Fatty, Thinny & Dorky---GREAT! Loved what Jimmy did to Bruce. My favorite section is the opening scene, with Bob, Max and the dead wife staring out the window of the abandoned house.

I'll pay a return visit whan I'm caught up. Interested in seeing where you are going with this.

Hi Shaun,

I read your first chapter.

Man, you can write. This riveting story gave me the shivers over and over.

You started with an intiguing opening sentence and paragraph that swept me up. You built your story solidly on that excellent foundation. You had a great hook at the end of section one of the prologue. Gemma going into the old house was exceptionally well done.

Your characterizations of Bob and Gemma are comprehensive. These are both three dimension sympathetic characters. You use your narrative voice well to reveal their inner thoughts and deepest emotions.

Your descriptions are cinematic. For example, 'knuckles like cannonballs and the blue veins stretching across them like electric cables' or 'an old man with twigs for legs and a prune for a heart.' Your attention to detail is masterful.

You use language expertly. Your verb choices are impressive. Your similes are imaginative.

There's not a lot of dialogue in the first chapter, but what is there fits the character and situation.

Your pacing is pitch perfect. You had me deeply embedded in your story throughout.

Some suggested edits.

He craned his neck to the heaven's to check . . . 'Heaven's' should be 'heavens.'

He had no idea that today would be his last. This is author intrusion. It takes some of the tension/drama out of your story. Readers want surprises, so just let the story happen without foretelling what is to come. Same thing with 'She licked her lip with interest and what she didn't recognized yet as fear.

'Max!' He hollered. 'He' should be lower case.

'We're getting too old for this shit ain't we boy?' Comma after 'we.'

Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness.

. . . his eyes danced passed Bob. 'Passed' should be 'past.'

His eyes were big and white, red vessels forked across them. You're in Bob's point of view in this scene. He can't see his own eyes.

'I am happy mum, I've got . . .' Comma after 'happy' and capitalize 'mum.'

'The clock'll be ticking Gem, don't you . . .' Comma after 'ticking.' When using a name or title in dialogue, off set it with commas.

. . . and despite lashed her mother across the face . . . 'Lashed' should be 'lashing.'

How cool? She thought. 'She' should be lower case. Same thing with 'What the hell are you doing? She thought. ('She' should be lower case.)

I had to slow down to make these notes, but these lapses didn't interfer with my enjoyment of your creepy story.

Good luck with this book which I have backed.

Al

PS: Might I ask you to read and review SAVANNAH PASSION?

Hi Shaun,
The final section of this is chilling and atmospheric. Bob's conversation with the dog is convincing. / his turning from the sink well described / 'a prune for a heart' effective / ''he could smell its freshness' -original take on sweat.
However I did have a few suggestions which might improve this. - 'he had no idea that today would be his last' tells us too much at the outset. /'The old dog leapt' - leapt implies vigour, therefore not consistent. / 'happy as a sandbag' is TELL, the dog's high tale is SHOW. / 'cooed' doesn't seem an appropriate word for Bob's speech. / 'Bob's dead wife' - its enough to say Betty. / 'But what was that?' - rhetorical qs raely add anything and usually weaken text.
I do hope these comments are of use to you, I intend them to be constructive and to aid you in re-working - as we all have to do , good luck with this,
Margaret
PS I can take crits as well as give them, and I'd value your reaction to Munro's Choice, thanks, M.

Hi Shaun,

I like this. Some good, distinct characterisations. You don't have a dog, by any chance? :) - In general, your pacing is very good and you know when to stop describing to move the story onward.

At the expense of being Conan the Librarian:
"Old face" and "Old man". That's two "old's" in two lines. IMHO the second is not needed.
Two "likes" in two lines during Gemma's run.
"The leering eyes of those who drove passed" - Past?
"despite lashed her mother" Despite having?
"I could have it for a nowt!" The "a" can go..

In summary, I will be reading more chapters and have shelved it. This is well-written and polished enough for me to back it, so I will !

Cheers,

Dan

hi,

i'd just like to thank all of those who have taken the time to look at my work, your comments have all been very useful and i've taken them all on board. i have edited the first couple of chapters today and i have adopted alot of the useful comments so i hope there has been a few improvements. whilst doing so, i have also added the entire novel now, so it would be great if anyone wanted to have a read of some later chapters or to review my first few again.

thanks again, all of your comments are very useful!

cheers, shaun