A Matter of Life and Death - And the Bloody Stratagems of Busy Heads

Wonderful, rich use of language. Really I just revelled in your constructions here and your diverse word choices. And amidst the pageantry of this writing, you create a believable, sympathetic character in your Tristan. We are introduced to his thought process and some backstory, and begin to root for him before we know what hit us! Not my type of book at all, so that face that I was reeled in so effectively speaks to your talent. Excellent job.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH -: This story grabbed my attention. Reading such a story is a pleasure. Your imagination has certainly taken off on a wild journey and the reader has to follow it. I for one found it hard to break away from this book (not a good thing when a busy day lays ahead!). Descriptions that jump from the page and burn themselves into the mind. Not a story that any reader will forget for a long time.
I would say, 'Well don', but that might sound patronising. Oh, to hell with it! Well done and may you recieve the rewards you deserve.

rev Raven Scott

Hello, Billie.

This is AMAZING STUFF as I've said all along. I have just finished reading this astounding, powerful, plot twisting tale in awe, the whole bloody thing! I think it's incredibly brave the fates you bring your main characters too, even if it did make me sob my heart out! And the conclusion? Are you kidding me? You can't leave it like that! Not with my favourite character! And you don't disapoint with Death's treachery either.

I love that you don't treat Readers like idiots and actually make some truths quite plain, but THEN make the Reader second guess themselves along the journey! That's very clever. I love that no one character is safe, even if it is upsetting! I love the worldly-ness of it, the history, the consequences and complications. I love that it isn't black and white, even when you could very well go down that route, e.g elemental Immortals representing goodness and evil.

There's only two issues I would be wary of and that's capitalisation and length. You are going to have a tough time publishing something so large and that would be a tragedy.

I have backed you from the start and wish I could back it twice, but I will watch out for the second and third installments!

Love

Marg

WOW...WOW...WOW...! You've created a story that blends many different mythologies into an amazingly coherent and seamless whole! At first, I thought this was a new rendering of Norse mythology, then I noticed the parts of other myths. Your writing grabbed me by the throat and dragged me along with it as if by the power of Darkness itself, yet with a strange, subtle Hope that encouraged me to keep reading of my own will! This is good stuff! Shelved!

Stampman review

I think that you have the makings of a powerful story here.
There are some clever ideas and you can tell the characters are real and alive to you, the author. They come alive to the reader too, but an amount of perseverance is required.
I don't think there is necessarily a problem with the grandiose language, although that took a bit of getting used to, I think it is because sometimes you have fallen prey to over-describing.
The old adage less is more can be applied.
I cared about Tristan, he was believeable but I had to really concentrate to work out where he was in amongst all the background.

I loved the line
'sorrow by man inflicted on his brother makes reason drunk, which in turn leads to insanity.'

In fact the whole exchange between Tristan and Meeks was really well done.

I'd have liked a hint more of weariness before Tristan has his epiphany, but again I loved the line;

'He faced a baptism of fire and felt the hard knot of fear...'

The latter part of Chapter 1 gathered momentum and had some proper writing gems.

However reading the start of Chapter 2 required me to concentrate hard once again.
I liked the interaction between Light and Death and the intial description of ;

'Light glanced up to where the dubious Lord Death skipped amongst the bloody slain, ushering souls to Heaven or Hades as was his sacred obligation.'

I thought that was great.

But whilst you have some excellant phrases they do get lost in all the detail.

I've backed this book because of the flashes of brilliance, although sadly I don't think it is ready for publication as it stands.
That is only my opinion, but I think with a ruthless edit, you could have something extraordinary as opposed to just a decent piece of work.

Best of luck, I can see from other comments that I am in the minority here.
I hope you continue to do well.

Clare Sweeney
THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT.

Dear Billie-Jo
what can I say. this is such a good book so well crafted and real . Your characters are animated, vivid, and in my head. I have already backed this book however i cannot find the backing so i will take the time to back it again because it is WORTH IT
if you have already backed my book thank you so much, if not would you find the time, if not that is OK also
the VERY best of luck
Denise
The Letter

Stampman Review

This comes across as an epic of epics; rich, grandiose language; larger than life characters (of course), big themes and an intense level of vivid description. For me, It came across as so big that I couldn't find a way into it. I read quite a bit of fantasy, so you can take that as a negative, but then again there are a number of published and very successful fantasy works/series out there that I would criticise in the same way, yet friends and aquaintances rave about them, so please read the following thoughts with the usual pinch of salt and remember they are only my personal opinions, plus, of course, I am focussing on what didn't work for me.

Neither of your pitches did it for me. Maybe that doesn't matter because it's the book that counts but, should you want to think about it, I thought the short pitch described just one character and didn't sell the book or its plot; the long pitch was too complicated and wordy for my taste. I've always understood that pitches should spoonfeed the reader, but this seemed akin to being forcefed a banquet in one sitting.

Within the book itself the grandiose language, in my opinion, gets dangerously close to 'quaint' and cliched with words such as "oft", "hoary" and "betwixt". Like an earlier reader I also felt there were too many exclamation marks for my taste.

The detail of the battles is rich and complex, but perhaps too rich and detailed. I found the initial descriptions of the battle and Tristan's mania in chapter 1 went on for too long and my concentration started to wander. The same applies to the later chapters I looked at: there was so much of everything that it all seemed rather indigestible.

Judging from other comments I've clearly missed out on the true soul of the book and I'm sorry for that, but in the end I felt it was a rich book in need of an editor's indigestion remedy.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Backed!
Splinker
"I've Been Deader"

B.D.S.T. II

I really loved this. It is one of the best books I have read on this site and although I haven't read as much as I would like through lack of time, I have backed it with pleasure. I will keep it on my WL after it comes off my shelf and intend reading all of it.

Rosemary (Ziggy Chalan)
RIDING HIGH

You have such strength in your writing; I was immediately drawn down and in.

It is written with the real passion and zeal of the swords and shields epics. But...

"It's not blasphemy, it's reality."
"But we're invaluable to the Immortals!"
"We're dispensable."

... philosophy too. Even though there is a thread of taut iron through the narrative there is a lilting poetry behind the words.

The painted description of Rubicon is vivid and imagined in the round.

The only thing I would say is that it is an enormous book, would it need to be serialised?

BACKED

fascinating read. W:'ed and happy to back after a few more pages of your exhilirating book.
best to you,
Christopher
Crossing The Line

Love your work!! backed

I wasn’t sure about the phrase ‘on the air’, as air doesn’t really have a visible surface or anything to grab onto if you know what I mean. It wouldn’t be ‘on’ (on top of) as much as ’in´ (amongst the particles)... as cliché as it sounds, it’s used for a reason. Feel free to ignore me =]
Other than that, I thought this sounded very professional with some impressive lines. It sounded a little too dramatic for me – poetical exaggeration puts me off a little, and the dialogue reminded me of something from a play. I’m probably not your target audience so don’t take it personally. It wasn’t to my taste, but I have a few people in mind who would love to read this.

This is an epic read and although I wasn't drawn in by the pitch ( my fault - not yours-not my type of genre) I read the first chapter and found it exciting and well written. I particularly liked th alliteration, Dirty, Deaf and Damned and Bastard Broadsword. THis attention to detail enriches the book and I am a fan of poetic narrative in all its forms.IYou captured Tristan's feeling of impotancy, panic and loss of faith particularly well. Unfortunately when I read about the Monotheistic soldier dying with the word mother on his lips I couldn't resist a smile as it reminded me of the line from Mrs Henry Wood's, novel of 1861, East Lynne, - DIed and never called me mother. HOwever I think you are quite safe as it's only anyone with my obscure sense of humour would notice. Good luck. I'm backing it . Rab14

'The battlefield was the only place he felt at peace' hooked me. Tristan is sympathetic and well fleshed out. Your imagery is stunning. For example, your description of when Tristan stops fighting to rest. I'm there. Your phrasing is superb. For example, 'sublime in slaughtering.' You enrich your narrative voice with apt similies such as 'like the eye of the storm.' Your dialogue evokes the era and is relevant. Your world-building is awesome. Your pacing held my interest.

Nit:
Consider reducing the number of exlamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness.

This is an engaging, intelligent tale. Backed.

I really enjoyed this read! From the get-go there is action, excitment, Gods, fighting. Your style is unique with and very fast flowing. I think the sentences are well constructed ad easy to read. Love the coarseness of being at peace in battle.

Great work,

Kirsty
Prygon: The Circle of Dark Magic

Gauis has given you the best advice of all your comments below...there's no need to say more than this. If you've written 7 more in the same way, I think you should stop and perfect the art before going any further...we're all learning and it never stops!
Good luck
Stewart

A Matter of Life and Death is truly an awesome epic. This might not be my genre but the sheer effort of producing a work of this calibre and this length I just have to respect. Good luck indeed.

Hey! This is well written. You draw the reader straight in and your characters are very realistic and with depth. I will read more later but you write well. The reason for the salutation with the exclamation point is that this isn't my genre so I was pleasantly surprised that I was so interested. Good luck, Carl

Now THIS is the type of fantasy tale I can sink my teeth into -- clever and inventive without being outlandish, and pretty damn funny!

Humor is the new black.

Backed fo sho.

Best,

Greg
Notes on an Orange Burial (a tragicomedy)

Brilliant atmospheric start to a novel that's easy to follow but also gives a sense of character and action at the same time. Really interesting premise.
Only nit is the whole first chapter seems very intense and I wonder if the reader would benefit from a break where the descriptions/emotions are slightly less intense for a period.
Hope this helps!
Melanie Kendry (The Boy Time Forgot)

Hi, Billie Jo -

Even though I don't usually read fantasy, you kept me turning page after page.

I'm pretty sure I already read and backed Life and Death a while ago, but I remember for certain. So, just to be on the safe side, I'm backing it again.

Best of luck with this. It doesn't just deserve to make it to ed desk; this puppy ought to be on the shelves.

- Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

A matter of life and death - STAMPMAN REVIEW
I read the synopsis & prologue -
I felt I was reading the work of a newish writer - who could perhaps benefit, (like every single one of us), from a good writing course.
I felt the same mistakes were repeated many times, so I see little purpose in picking at every loose thread - perhaps it would be more help to give some broader guidance:

Synopsis -
1. Whose story is this? Tristan's? If so he needs a mention. You are v unlikely to get far with a general story - we all, as readers, are looking for someone to attach to, to guide us thru the story - choose someone and bear this in mind thru the novel.
2. Use shorter sentences and simpler language - writing is mostly about clarity - ok, you feel great emotions / think great ideas - but the craft of writing is about conveying them as clearly and succinctly as possible - like Hemingway said, (roughly), I know the big words, I just don't use them.
Also - one adjective per noun is plenty.

Prologue -
1. Action - this is v much an action opening - you write it like I would have done 5 years ago and it doesn't work. 'clash after clash of vicious blows' etc, etc etc. - Don't do that, you can't create impact that way - I know, I've tried. You create impact, shock, etc by SHOWING what happens in clear simple honest language. 'They stood on a muddy slope. Carl on the higher ground, sword held high, swinging down. Tristan screamed, lunging in beneath the swinging blade, jabbing his own sword up, finding the slit in Carl's open viser, bursting the soft jelly of his eye..'' etc - that's not great - but it's simple and specific - ONE example of this is enough - then when you say he knelt exhaused on the battlefield - we know what's gone on - we FEEL it, whic is what it's all about.
So basically - SHOW us SPECIFIC action - and dump the adjectives and superlatives.
2. Let me decide - the reader doesn't want to be TOLD what's good and bad etc - show me the picture and let me decide (eg. it was an ascetic attitude) - I don't want to hear your voice - I want his.
3. Related to point 1 - if your writing the actin, then you're in someone's head - you ARE Tristan - feel his strength/weakness/doubt - etc - get in as close as you can then write it from his POV - so in the eg. above - if Carl's blood sprays out oif his burst eye and Tristan spits in the socket, this tells us about Tristan's character for more eloquently than YOU saying - 'he felt nothing for his victims...' If he pisses in his eye, or turns away, or throws up, or wipes his sword on the grass, etc - all these things tell us about him thru ACTION, rather than thru you telling the reader. As an exercise, I suggest you rewrite a couple of pages in the first person, then change it to the third person, - this should make it more powerful - try it?
4. Avoid cliche's - you've got hundreds - musclesscreaming, etc etc - (even, sorry to say - your title) - but this is a function of the above problems - if you get in close to your characters, take a moment to fix a picture of the action in yoiuyr mind, then describe it, simply and clearly - you won't need cliche's
5. Don't use dialogue to explain the plot - stands out a mile. - again - 'BE' your character and your dialogue will come. write down what his school was like, his first girlfriend, his first pet, how he related to them - you might never use this - but you'll get a handle on your character and produce a real consistent person

In summary - It's always someone's story, get to know them, they speak, not you, keep sentences short, language simple,no cliche's , see the picture, then show me the picture, don't tell me what to think, don't cheat on dialogue, reveal character thru action.
My first book was a biblical epic 4 years in the making and remaking - I learnt a lot doing it but it now lies in a drawer -
I hope this helps.
I feel writing's a bit like dong stand-up - even the greatest have to die on stage a few times, and God it hurts, but keep going

Also - take critricisms with a pinch of salt - its a subjective business - I might be wrong...
best regards
please feel free to rip mine apart
Simon - The soul of charlie marconi

Not my genre, but the writing is promising and the plot interesting.

I would watch out those abrupt switches from lush prose to weak phrases, though.
Example: 'All flame and agility, he forged through the firefight as weapons of all kind slashed at him from every angle.' Here, 'weapons of all kind' and 'from every angle' are too loose compared with well-chosen phrases like 'forged through te firefight'. The contrast makes the sentence sound a bit haphazard.

The words mad and madness also became weak through over-use by the end of the chapter.

Not quite sure if I am missing something, but one moment, T is wielding a 'stolen enemy sabre' then he is gripping the 'leather-bound hilt of his bastard broadsword'. How did that come about?


With some attention to detail, this book could go a long way.

Backed.

Best wishes.
Huseyin
All Things Noble

Hi Billie,
I got my dictionary out and I needed it. Not a bad thing, I even needed it for the pitch, ineluctable. You obviously know your stuff and the scene was set beautifully. For me it was a litte heavy on the description but that could just be opinion. The story sounds fantastic and if you can keep the pace up throughout the book then you have a winner. It's the type of book I can imagine sitting down, in the bath with a glass of wine and utterly losing myself.
Thanks for an enjoyable read.

A residing yes..... Backed all the way.
Helen

Wonderful, rich use of language. Really I just revelled in your constructions here and your diverse word choices. And amidst the pageantry of this writing, you create a believable, sympathetic character in your Tristan. We are introduced to his thought process and some backstory, and begin to root for him before we know what hit us! Not my type of book at all, so that face that I was reeled in so effectively speaks to your talent. Excellent job.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Hi BJ
A really interesting read with some vivid imagery and descriptive prose. You obviously have a great imagination and have drawn this into the story. The plot is good too - well crafted and very original. Backed.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Wonderful and a credit to the fantasy genre. A grand adventure. My only nit is that at times reading this, I ran into some not so good sentences. Please spend some time editing, and you will have one of the best that I read on this thread. Your pitch is well done. I liked it enough though to back it.

I hope you will give mine read and back it if you like it.
Best,
Robert
Golden Conspiracy

Fantastic for lovers of epic fantasy. You posted a huge amount of work and as I dipped through a few chapters I gained a sense of the consistent quality you bring to the reader. (ineluctable is not a word I see too much, but it fits your style) Best of luck with your book Billie-Jo.
Christine Elaine Black - MAXIMUS

The beginning of chapter one starts off well with good description, which is tight and focused: There was a gritty feeling in the air...but then the battlefield was the only place he felt at peace...to force their blood to bloom through the once peaceful red cross.

As I read on, I found some of the dialogue a little meandering and wordy and some words 'misused': ...but it made it (worst) - this should be 'worse.' ...from gripping (his) leather-bound hilt of the bastard broadsword - should be either ...from gripping the leather-bound hilt of (the) bastard broadsword, or ...from gripping the leather-bound hilt of (his) bastard broadsword. The sentence: That was never more obvious to recognise he'd reached so far... is a little wordy, perhaps restructure as: It was never more obvious that he'd reached so far... He (just) rested, relishing (in) the hourly changes of a seemingly endless battle. You don't need the 'just' or the 'in'. "(But) we're not just fighting for liberties, (but) for the gods." You don't need both 'buts' I would suggest omitting the first one. "...are destined to become monsters in the next life, you know!" You don't need the exclamation mark. (Beware of these, they're generally frowned on these days). "It's not (blaspheme)..." I think you mean 'blasphemy.'

This story has obvious merit and with a little judicious editing will be extremely good. Your sentence structures need a little attention and you need to watch how you use certain words, eg: worst/worse blaspheme/blasphemy. I think you have talent and for that reason I'm happy to back your book.

Backed
All the best,
Michelle
Bound

I am not a fan of this genre, but this is really well written and gripping from the start. Backed with pleasure. Colin

A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH -: This story grabbed my attention. Reading such a story is a pleasure. Your imagination has certainly taken off on a wild journey and the reader has to follow it. I for one found it hard to break away from this book (not a good thing when a busy day lays ahead!). Descriptions that jump from the page and burn themselves into the mind. Not a story that any reader will forget for a long time.
I would say, 'Well don', but that might sound patronising. Oh, to hell with it! Well done and may you recieve the rewards you deserve.

rev Raven Scott

One critique - watch the number of sentences beginning with pronouns. Overall, this is a swashbuckling tale told with wit and grandeur. Very well done; I'm happy to back it for you.
Please consider taking a look at my book, The Job.
Craig

Good vivid descriptions help to keep the reader interested. It feels like you've spent a lot of time crafting each sentance. I don't read much fantasy, but this had a different feel to others I have read. Good luck with this, backed
Charlie

Epic Fantasy is definitely not one of my preferred reading genres;
Here your characters play their roles against a very large backdrop with huge issues at stake, and clashes of absolutes with little compromise or weakness.
In my opinion too much exposition slows the pace, especially in the first chapter. Readers want to be swept into a different world, not get a guided tour with historical notes. This is a battle, fought to the last man and drop of blood, yet we are told all about the history which leads to this struggle in six paragraphs between Tristan finishing off a Monotheist and his realisation that he has been separated from his unit. Of course we need to know this back-story, but not in big chunks, in the middle of a battle.
Keep the action moving and slip the info in bit by bit. If for example, Tristan says 'Go to Hades heretic' as he swung his sword, the reader learns quite a bit from that, and is still in the battle scene, not drawn out to a distant detached overview where we learn the same stuff as if from a history book.
Difficult, but I'm sure you can do quite a bit towards keeping a faster pace while still conveying information.
phil

I have been reading parts of this over the last few days. I believe there was a Prologue and would have been interested to see this as we have discussed Prologues. It would be good to have something which in some way is a comment on your theme in contrast to chapter 1 and those following, which isall action.

You paint the awfulness of wars well and there's lots of useful detail. It did take me some while to understand which pov was prevailing. You are not taking the easier route of remaining in MC's head, but giving more of a world view. Your scene setting keeps us in an historic period, albeit fantasy, so that we imagine a kind of Crusaders' era. So then, speech such as 'Jeez, Tris, you ok?' brings us up with a jerk and this contrasts greatly with 'happenstance' and 'period' utterances from Tristan. This is my main criticism - the dialogue. I'm not sure the technique of underlining for emphasis works either

The concept of Hero to Villain and the reverse is massive, your project very ambitious and praiseworthy. I do wish you well with it.

I wonder if your title would be better just using the second half, and also seducing the potential reader by simplifying your pitch.

Best wishes

Rosalind - Stampman review

I like descriptions such as 'soft as Brie' whereas others such as 'easy to cut as wet whiskers' left me wondering if wet whiskers were easy to cut, and easier than dry ones, whereas I should have been focussing on the dramatic action.

Powerful writing. A pleasure to read four chapters.
Best wishes, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

You have written this title using both your immaculate imagination, and your full heart - This combined, makes your prose shine and shimmer.

I was easily encouraged to continue reading, as your story telling flow relaxed my grey-cells.

This title will appeal to a wide audience.

BACKED!

stevew
The Ultimate/The Authors Cut

Backed ;)

Green H
through green's eyes

I think you have a strong concept here and a book that will have a large appeal. It is written in a very descriptive style with a colourful sense of language.

I feel that your Synopsis may need to be simplified slightly just to draw in a bigger crowd. Allowing them a briefer overview will allow them to discover some of the more complicated aspects of the storyline once they are more involved.

Best of luck

Chris
From London To Paris
Return comments or backing where appropriate really appreciated

Hello Billie-Jo

Making my way through Stampman’s list. This was honestly a bit out of the normal genres that I read but it was nice to stretch my boundaries. Your wording in places was GREAT “Men of Foul Religion“---loved it. “Only weak men cling to their angry gods” very nice

I would caution you to be careful with clichés such as à “Blood, sweat, and tears”, I Had a sweatshirt from college a hundred plus years ago that read "Blood Sweat Tears and Beers". I still cringe thinking about it.
Best of luck
Keep Writing
WSS
HAKTAW HEART

A Matter of Life and Death - First of all, I would suggest you revisit your pitch. I don't think it's a good idea to begin with 'This tale concerns' - definitely a red flag to agents and publishers as is 'This is a story about' etc. Also, you should make sure that your spelling and grammar is spot on. The opening and what I have read so far [first two chapters] shows your passion for writing which is an excellent thing, but sometimes leads to repetition and a lot of unnecessary adjectives. Your spending too much time in chapter one getting to the meat of the thing at the risk of losing your reader before they have a chance to realize that you have a good story here. I'm shelving on promise and wish you good luck
G
Einstein's Road Trip

This is a magnificent piece of fantasy fiction that lovers of this genre will take to immediately. It should be much higher up the rankings after being on the site for more than a year. Come on everyone. Wake up!

Thanks in advance. Regards, Chris Williams – The Stories of Rhys
www.thestoriesofrhys.com

A Matter of Life and Death - And the Bloody Stratagems of Busy Heads
Billie-Jo Williams

Billie-Jo,
You've already had tons of compliments and praise, well-deserved too I must confess, for the length and breadth of your story here and for your brave immersion into this dark, burdensome and grim world. I am in awe of your ability to compose well over 260,000 words for this. An enormously energetic, entertaining, consuming story and I wish you success in getting it published. More than happy to have backed this.
Zan

Chapter - three and ten

Everyone is dispensable, trouble is most people don’t realise it until it smacks them in the face. This is complex tale, well thought out and with powerful narrative. You have plenty of characters that are brought to life in this chapter. Happy to back

Anthony
Aqua Omega

A Matter of Life and Death
This is an epic story and the pitch has lots of promise.
I think you might want to have a look at the prologue. I found it rather puzzling with too much crammed in to be able to really understand what is happening. A prologue is a brief episode of a relevant point in the plot. It can set up events, or foreshadow conflict. Prologues should be short and contain only the essential elements. If it is an integral part of your book then it is chapter one. Most agents (and many readers) skip the prologue.
Chapter one should establish where the story is set and in what period and introduce the main character. It should also set up the conflict around which the plot will revolve so that it will hook the reader’s interest and create empathy for the main character’s situation. There should not be too much background story.

Betwixt the waning Age of Enchantment, and the dawning Era of Logic, that destined to end in mortal-kinds self-destruction, existence was lamentable.

I found this sentence somewhat confusing.

Do you mean that the Era of Logic 'was' destined to end in mortal-kinds self-destruction? Do you mean that those living between the Age of Enchantment and the Era of Logic had a lamentable existence?
I had to read it several times before reaching this conclusion, and if I am incorrect them I am not sure what is meant.
I think you story would work better if you simplified it and made it easier for readers to follow. If you tighten your work you will increase the pace of the story.
You have taken on a mammoth task and I wish you all the best with your book.

Regards
Jan

(Variant crit review)

Possitves:
I liked the prolouge, I felt it showed the main character well and threw us right into the action. It also sets the world setting well, but that creates some problems (see negatives).

I do like the idea of conflicting religions, or monotheism and pagansim, it's oddly relevant for people today, with the rise of eastern religions and atheism.

I also do like fanstasy stuff that is gritty and bit more real, I liked alot of the points you made about war, death and violence in general.

Negatives:

I thought in the prologue, you set the scene very well, so much so, that much of the discription at the start of chapter one seems like it's repeating what you have already told us in a much better way and much more exciting way. I found that a bit of a turn off from reading more, as I would rather have continued along with the main character and have the world revealed through his eyes. Though much of your descriptions of the world are very good.


Writing stuff: (I'm not good at this so I'm probably wrong.)

'It was good to be breathless, It was good to feel violence and deliver it in kind, when you were lost in life and angry at the unjust world.' <- I liked the start of this sentece alot, but for some reason, (maybe just me) I tripped when trying to read the rest of it. (maybe could do without the comma after kind and full stop after breathless?)

Sentece starting, 'He was always aware of Death... ' I'm not sure about the capital letter on death. What came after in the senetence, I was unsure if you were refering to the personification of death, or if you were talking about the character. (reading on I know you mean that character. )

'Exausted from the fight', at first I read this as a metaphor to mean he retreated.(I'm a bit dumb sometimes). Maybe putting 'became' in front of it would help people like myself.

Betwixt - It's a good word, and used correctly, but unless you're going to carry on in old English, it might not be the best idea to use it.

Seems like you doing well with it and more of these points are just little tweaks rather than big problems.

Chris

great writing that should die.
backed.
I'd love to know what you think of Going Out in Style. I was going to use the card you have on my cover.
A zoomer- a boomer with zip

I backed this for the elocution and diction. You maintain the tone well. I'll make a suggestion: We're hearing from two dudes on the battlefield, and then from Goodness and Life et al., with talk of Immortals and Mortals. This attempts to follow the form of the epic saga involving the Gods. However, the kingdom is usually explained first, to create an understandable context, and then we get to know the people. That's one of the frustrations of following the Wagner Ring Cycle opera -- trying to keep all the gods and mortals straight. I think you might have some organizational issues of a similar type with this, because I'm feeling overwhelmed already. I think you might want to start with explaining who Regin is, and why they need to find him. This should be a very simple idea conveyed quickly without a lot of mythical sociology in between. An epic project to be sure, and very entertaining. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

"He felt very little about his victims..." He felt very little for his victims... -- or He thought very little about his victims... A person feels for something/someone and thinks about something/someone

"...to feel violence and deliver it in like..." Deliver it in kind would be more appropriate.
No semi-colons in dialogue. "The intensity, the heat, and desire; can you feel it, Carmody?" The intensity, the heat, the desire. Can you feel it, Carmody?

"It's not me that sick..." It's not me that's sick ... OR It's not me that is sick...
"...laughed weakly with a touch of hysteria..." When someone has an edge of hysteria in their voice, there is nothing weak about their laughter. It's frenzied, shrill and pressured, but not weak. Awkward and confusing

"Tristan knew he was about to tell him things he didn't want to hear..." Okay, which he is which? Is Tristan afraid of what Meeks is about to say or afraid of what he is about to say to Meeks? Careful with the pronouns. He could be anyone even when there are only two of them.

Ellipses denote more to come or words that have trailed off. Use of them at the end of sentences when nothing more is intended or hinted is incorrect usage.

I don't buy it. One moment Tristan glories in the destruction and chaos of war. He's drunk with it and with his part in it all. Then he sees someone, Aiden Meeks, an admitted acquaintance he met in some previous battle, shared a few moments in passing, and suddenly, after Meeks saying that the Immortals don't care about them and that they're all mad, Tristan is horrified and lost and looking for the exit. I don't buy it. That was a quick turnaround for no real or considered reason. No one goes from drunk with power and death to terrified, confused and doubting everything they have believed in their whole lives after so little argument or discussion. That makes Tristan a wax doll, malleable to anyone he meets, without strength, common sense or a sense of purpose.

The writing style doesn't fit the circumstances or the characters, or someone who flip-flops ideologies with out question or cause. It's a bit flowery and pretentious and uneven. You've carved out a considerable chunk of mythology in a short space, but given it very little to support it. At first, I was attracted by the sheer joy of killing and war Tristan embodied and then by Aiden's philosophy of war and violence begetting war and violence, but then you lost me. In order to keep the reader interested, you're going to need a lot more prep and a stronger foundation than what you've set out in the first chapter. You're racing past themes and philosophies that deserve more considered thought and build-up. It's a good idea that needs legs to stand on. They're just not there yet.

JMC

To write Fantasy, an author needs to let imagination roam free, as you have here. It has the makings of a good novel, but needs work before it is ready to be presented to a potential publisher. In your profile page, you said that the first few chapters were over-worked, and to be re-written. If you do, please keep the very first paragraph of the prologue. That phrase, 'lost to time, space and place,' that was brilliant. Aside from that, I think most of the book has been somewhat over-written, which interferes with the flow. More minor quibbles, you can't have more than one ending punctuation per sentence in formal writing. One instance of this was 'before the madness claims us all!?' But it's repeated several times that I saw. Next. quote within a quote, - you use double quotation marks, as in ' "our reasons"?' It's neater to use italics. It's the same thing when you want to show emphasis of a word within a sentence. Italics is the convention if not the rule, and neater than underlining. As I said, I think you have a good book here, probably a great series, but don't rush to publish yet. Good luck with it. Marj.

This is an exciting pitch for an interesting and imaginative book. Tristan is a convincing character, not someone to like, particularly, but someone we can understand as he argues with his friend Adrian. Adrian is a cynical, intelligent person, who has come to understand the uselessness of their lives as mercenaries, fighting for the Immortals and others who don't care what happens to them. When Tristan reacts to Adrian's logical statement that they are all mad, by saying that he's mad himself, and killing Adrian, it's shocking, gripping and chilling. When he makes his decision, after escaping the explosion, to 'defy them the only way he knew how, by continuing to live against the odds,' you have hooked us in to read more about this character, and see what happens next. You write well, and your characters are vivid, individual, and believable. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.