Montgomery House

I was enjoying the story very much but got fed up with the typos. I have pages of errors, most of them so obvious that it's clear you haven't bothered. I'm sure you are going to edit this sometime in the next century and I'll wait until you have. In the meantime I will back and rate this because I feel it has great potential.

Hi Mary, A very good read.
Thanks a lot, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

I came back for more. I still think you have a way with words. You make writing prose look easy!
~Gina

This us a good first draft that with careful editing will become even better. Sometimes less is more, someone once said which in this case would keep the storyline moving, by this I mean that at times you tend to over describe things ie the desk in the study, using comparisons works just as well to create an image. You did this well in the prologue that set me off reading but later I felt that you became bogged down in your story; when this happens grab a break, make a cuppa or take sometime to think out what you want to say. There is no race to writing, you do so at your own pace, taking as long as you need to get it just about right. We never get it perfect, do we. :D I think this is a good dark horror that will only get better as you work on it so I will WL it.

Mary, Gina asked me to stop by and take a look at this.
Here's my opinion, for what it's worth:
That, for a first draft was excellent. You had me picturing the whole house.
An unmistakably strong feeling of Stephen King came through in this, I can see after you clean it up it is going to be brilliant.
It's made me want to go off and write a ghost story of my own, and only something really good gives me that kind of urge.
(Mary, I want you to think about this... Start your story with chapter two, during which, or at a point further into your story, one you feel comfortable with, get Dean trapped in some small room, or cupboard of some sort. That's when you should insert your current prologue, regress thirty years and plunge your reader into that scenario. But perhaps not all of it, just give the reader a short insight into his past leaving him hanging there while you take the reader off for another chapter, then, return to conclude the "old" prologue, now a new chapter).
Or if you want, tell me to piss off and mind my own business.
One thing I do ask you to do, is clean this up and get it ready for the other Authonomites to read, they'll love it, but as per usual, they'll keep pointing out to you the fact that it's not edited yet.
Great story, Mary.

Mark A L

Impossible to put down. This would be flicked through in the store, bought and taken home to read properly.
On my shelf . Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Mary,
Sorry. I forgot to mention that your book is utter shit! That is what I meant to say…lol
I can not lie. Your imagery is brilliant. The smell in that coal house with the description of a chicken coupe! OH MY. I could almost smell that. VERY strong sense of what you were trying to convey with that visual. Great example of SHOWING not telling. Love it!

Haha! “finding the only puddle available” haha
He likes ugly things and he is obviously a sloppy eater :) you are too funny.

A gaunt-looking whiplash of a man!... on up to the night eating the driveway behind him! Oh do I wish I had your skills! Mary, you are masterful with description! I will be reading all 7 chapters for sure!
Gina

(this is shit, utter shit! :p and I never say things like that)

wow!
Shelving this on the prologue. I will get coffee and read on.
Excellent, Mary, excellent!
Gina

Hi Mazza,
I’ve come to this via the forum. I love the short pitch on this.
Okay the prologue. I think this is better than The Ritual. I can see it’s a little rough, but really as a first draft, I think it’s excellent. I wish you’d gone into whose arm he was stepping on. I’m gagging to know – but I guess that’s the trick, suck your reader in. Does this have any relevance to the story?
In chapter two, you immediately show how Dean is turned out using the hole in the shoe. Is that foreshadowing with the sounds not being able to carry from the other side of the house? I hope so. Right now got a feeling of The Shining.
He turns to see who closed the front door, but you didn’t clearly say it had. Oh, and we don’t really use the word crap over here. You could mostly swap it out for bollocks, especially as Dean is Scottish. Maybe ask Dai (I think he’s in Glasgow) for a suitable swear.
I like this, far more than The Ritual. I do think you need to work on the dialogue – it doesn’t sound English, let alone Dean’s Scottish. But that aside, I can feel the creepiness in the house. I can’t wait for the spooks to start – I take it we’re going to find out the truth about the siblings and the possible cannibalism and I can’t wait. I wish I had more room on my shelf, as I want to keep a few of them on for a long time now, this is one of those.
Lisa
Currently plugging: The Curse of Sulham Close

Mary

As usual, nitpicks and good stuff.

Nitpicks. As you clearly state that this is a draft and has inconsistencies, I won't dwell on the few typos, however, something crazy is happening with your line spacing. It's as if you have uploaded from one software to another and it has randomnly added new lines between your text. I noticed it in Chapter 2 and 3 and then switched off from it, but it literally breaks the flow.

Good stuff! The dead body in the coal shed to start with; I assumed that this would come in again later and you introduced it very well. Each one of the chapters from entering the house, the first noises, open doors, journals, apparitions, all build the tension extremely well. In between you have some descriptive gems, for instance the emergency tobacco and the love-hate taste. Fantastic.

What more can I say? Loved it and look forward with relish to coming back when it's no longer a draft and inconsistent! LOL. Shelved!

Cheers

Rayo