Pride and Joy

Hi, Dawn. FYI, I think most people only read the first few chapters of a book at the most to give you feedback. Having to come to the second version is annoying, particularly when Authonomy is slow. You may be losing comments and backing because people don't come back.

That said, I've read the prologue and first chapter. You have great command of voice and description, particulalry the prologue - just the right tone for the character's age.

The down side is that in the first chapter, I don't get the crisis. It should at least end with her world starting to fall apart. You begin chapter 1 with a great description of her peace and joy in the simple feeling of the sand and sun.

Hope that helps.

Hi Dawn

I read the seven on your other upload. I love your voice and style- highly original and poetic! And then came here to continue...ditto! Of course, I am a bit confused, but your work deserves support and I'm happy to shelve for a while.

Can you not 'insert chapters before' ??? I understand why you don't want to take it off, but can't fathom why you are having problems. Have you asked in the Forum- maybe someone will have a solution?

You have a potential winner here- if only it could be read in one place!!!!!!!!!

All the best
Elaina
Gathering of Rain

Hi Dawn

I have read the first 3 and a half chapters and I'm intrigued. Actually I have no idea what is going on but I'm sure all will be explained. I like the writing and the story is engaging. I've put it on my shelf.

I hope you don't mind but I do have a few criticisms to make.

Are these really the first chapters. They are headed from 16 onwards.

Sometimes the dialogue is a bit stilted. I have a 21 year-old-daughter and she would never say 'As the work has progressed' She'd say, 'The more work I've done...' or something similar. Equally, in the very first paragraph, Sophie who is expecting her A level results says 'What will be the outcome.' That does not ring true. Surely, 'What's going to happen.' Now I'm wondering if this is done on purpose. If it is then just forget I mentioned it.

'My heart plummeted into my boots.' is fine. You don't need the 'lead balloon bit'

I think that there is too much description of the renovation work at the beginning. It's beautifully written, and it is interesting, but I wanted to get on with the story and was tempted to skip through.

If Joy is about to collapse from exhaustion, she should be feeling ill earlier on then telling herself to ignore it. When Lisa tellls her she's not looking well it comes as a surprise to the reader. Also, wouldn't Richard notice earlier. If she's looking so thin, he'd say something when he comes to the castle.

I hope the crit has helped. I hope you don't mind. Best of luck with this.

Riva

(Taking Care of Rosie. ) All criticisms welcome.

Hi Dawn, have had a read at your first chapter. There's a strong image on the go - the woman standing on the battlements, waiting for Bond to arrive. And, as you say, the reality is almost as dramatic. We don't take to Richard's woman very well at all, and are instantly on Joy's side. We can tell she's young, too, though I guess that "stabbing pain" she describes can strike anyone at any age. I'll be intrigued to see if she gets her man, or if it's a time in life that'll just pass her by.

If I have one criticism to make, I'd say that there's a tad too much description of the grounds and its history up front - it's good detail and very well rendered, but maybe we need to get into the dialogue and the drama first (lots of good stuff there), with the detail peppered in later? Anyway, minor quibble, really liked this. All the best

P

Dawn,
Excellent writing. Humor abound. On my shelf.
See you in print,
Charity

This works well. You have a real ability to get into Joy's head and the rather impressionistic way in which you begin soon builds to provide a complete picture. Should go far. Bookshelved.
Best wishes,
Bren.

Hi

I've read all of this and although it's not the sort of thing I'm generally into, it's obviously well written, a bit unusual and a decent read. I like the poems - an interesting touch. The pacing is good and the sense of Joy's nature is strong - very nice.

Skye.

Hello Dawn,

I'm not quite sure how I chanced upon your book, but I was happy I did. I am a fan of your ability to show us the world through Joy's eyes. This is a pleasure to read, and a very believable story too. I particularly like your pacing and the progressive disclosure of items in Joy's life; it's like a jigsaw puzzle, gradually building towards a completed image.

My only nitpicking ideas are related to some commas which to me are causing a jar in the flow. One such is the Admiral one. Then I thought about the helicopter. If you say it has a front (or cockpit) like a goldfish bowl, it's a light helicopter, and they usually have not much of a body (or cabin). They do have a tail boom though. So, maybe you'd like to change the body of the helicopter into a striped tail boom. Oh man - I am really splitting hairs today. I should restrain myself.

Anyway, it's shelved.

Cheers,

Heikki

Hi Dawn,
the first thing that strikes me as I read your book is the tight witting. You do a good job of telling a great story in as plain and sparse a language as possible. I love that. It makes the reading a joy rather than a chore. I also love the light humour you've injected throughout. This is the perfect read for a holiday. Good job.
It's a pleasure for me to add you to my shelf.
Monique

Hi Dawn, Thank you for getting the ending of your delightful book on authonomy. I hate it when I get involved in a book and it is incomplete with no hope of knowing the ending.
The awakening of desire in Joy was beautifully written. Frankly I didn't think that you nor joy were capable of such beautiful sensuality. Good job! A little hard to believe that Richard didn't consummate when Joy was willing but said that he had to leave. ????
I wish you every success with your book and look forward to seeing it published. eddie

Pride and Joy

Hi Dawn, What great stuff, light, yet philosophical, an easy read, but making us think a great deal. The descriptions are great, clear and crisp and transporting us to the time and the place. I loved the poetry, evocative and powerful and I loved the characters, the experiences were sensual, powerful and you managed to achieve a real sense of place in a very efficient amount of words, expertly done. The sort of book to relax into after a tough day at work, but also the sort of book that makes you think as well. To do both these things so well is remarkable, well done, onto the shelf at the next rotation, best of luck and best wishes - Andrew W.

Hello Dawn,
Having trouble catching up since the madness descended ! Anyway now started reading Pride and Joy. I admire the simplicity ( in a good way) of your writing style, no overwriting but great clarity and description that carries you along effortlessly through the story. An enjoyable read, on my shelf and good luck with it. Margaret.

Hi Dawn, j'aime votre fabliau. C'est tres bien. Merci beaucoup. (Don't laugh at my French). I read chapters 1 - 3 and loved it. Your voice is lyrical and the tone hypnotic. I liked the juxtaposition between Joy and Lisa. Joy seems to be lost in a daydream, off in another world, far away from Lisa's shallowness. Your sensual description of the beach and the first day of spring was effective and moving. I could feel the beach sand and the whispering wind ("The still cool breeze caressed me"). I am backing Pride and Joy (with much pride--I must say). I have just a few grammatical/punctuation suggestions that might improve your text.

Chapter One
“enjoy it to the full” s/b “enjoy it to the fullest” (maybe use "fullest" here)
“no-one” (I wasn't sure about the hyphenated "no-one". Maybe use "no one")
“still cool breeze caressed me” (I just liked this--no suggestions for improvement here!)
“A little further along the beach” s/b “A little farther along the beach” (Use "farther" for physical distance)

Chapter Two
“swim around for ever” (Maybe use the word “forever”--or is that a UK preference?)
Good usage of French with accent marks. However, non-French speakers may not understand.
“Perhaps they made them differently in France.” (I liked this--funny)
“His eyes were suddenly serious and they made me melt like a box of chocolates in the sun” (Try it like this: “His eyes were suddenly serious--I, like chocolate in the sun, melting.” Or “His eyes were suddenly serious—mine melting, like tiny chocolates in the sun”)

Thank you,
Randy

I love your theme and description of the place. Hooked me on to the story. Joy is an interesting character. Her meeting with Amelia is memorable. Pacing is effective. I'm not sure whether the opening with the A-level results works well with the story. But the description that follows got me right into the story. I enjoy the read. So I'm shelving this. Casey

Hi! Well, first off there seems to be a problem with your formatting. Maybe you use returns at the end of each line in your file. Hopefully that can be fixed as it is difficult to read visually. While the first part of your story is interesting, it is far too much telling rather than showing to keep most reader's attention. Your book takes off as soon as Richard appears and the feisty dialogue begins. Well done. Perhaps there is a way to work in the interesting pieces of the beginning later in the story. Also, the beginning is vague, and at times I didn't have a clue what it was about. Maybe that's the way you want it, but it is annoying not to understand what precisely this is about. You have a good premise here with lots of potential. A re-write will help it find an audience and a publisher. Good luck.

Michael
(The Last Coming Out Story)

hi,
not usually my cup of tea, this genre but you have a good writing style.
i liked how your work is fast paced making it easy t read and fluid.
not sure i like the start of this though with the times and 'diary like' inserts...might wokr better if it weren't at the start.
good stuff though and consider it shelved.

regards, shaun

Hi Dawn. I just read your chapter 14 -- do you really intend to start the book there (unique idea, if so), or is that just for preview purposes? Either way, it was a "great read." What I enjoyed most were your "interior dialogues," as when Joy tries to rationalize her feelings as she is first introduced to Amelia by Richard. You also perfectly catch how Joy would describe Richard as looking wonderful, but then go on to dissect every piece of clothing that Amelia has on and every possible nuance one can take from them.

You have an ear for dialogue, something I think I share, as well as being good with the descriptive paragraph, something I perhaps do not do as well as you. As an American (Yank), I very much enjoyed your definition of what a "ha-ha" is. I'll be sure to use it next time I am on your side of the pond!

Overall, the chapter initially left me a bit confused (maybe because it was chapter 14), but drew me in the deeper I got into it. The triangle between the three main characters and Joy's discomfort at seeing Richard arrive with Amelia were, in my opinion, the best parts.

I will try and read more in the near future. In the meantime, I am going to both back the book and put it on my watch list, and hope you like my book enough to do the same for me.

Thanks.

--bob

Hi Dawn,
First let me say that I am impressed with your writing ability. Even though I’m not your typical audience, the strength of the writing was such that I was able to read without ever feeling bored, like it was a chore. Your major strength is characterization, especially in regard to Sophie. I have no problems shelving this.
A few recommendations:
In the opening paragraph the statement “What will the B be in?” stuck out because it seems contradictory. If she doesn’t know what her grades are, how does she know she’ll get a B? Maybe I’m just missing something there, not sure. Also, “the world is my oyster” and “a huge weight lifted from my shoulders” are clichés, which is fine if the character is the type to use them, but I didn’t get that impression from Sophie.
Great job so far Dawn, keep working at it and best of luck!

Botticelli's Venus, castles, invading French lad, her beach. Sensual detail mingled in with childish memories, effective. The device of using her poems to open chapters is a good one. I also like you stylized way of doing conversations--the characters are allowed to deliver quite long speeches which is not at all naturalistic but enjoyable. The mixing of the timeframes or whatever also works well. It's different, unconventional in unexpected ways. I shall certainly be shelving your book.
Freddie

Dawn,
I assume from the difficulties you are having with the system that you prefer comments and backing on this one, rather than the other one. The writing is good, very different, sort of free form poetry, vivid images, emotions. I'm sensing a voyage of self discovery through a sort of internal dialogue, stream of conciousness story here. I think your truncated text loading has hampered things and made it a struggle to understand. I'd definitely put up something on the trouble shooting thread and see if they can help you. Of couse, you may have already done that. Nevertheless, I think you have something good here and I am shelving it.
Jeff

Dear Dawn,

These are only my thoughts. But this is your story Dawn. Not mine. Not anyones. You need to be true to yourself. If you think my comments are valid, take them. If not, ditch them. But don't let anyone, and most importantly me, tell you how to write. You can write. Very well, in fact. What I loved was your sentence pacing. It's great. You mix long sentences with short ones, and so on and so forth. Where your story feels a little rough is that as a reader I am lost. I find myself going, "Okay, where's she taking me. I'll go." And then you turn it and I get lost. Wondering where I am. For example, the snowball reference threw me. At first it begins as an analogy and then I start thinking that Sophie is making snowballs and then you say June and I'm like, What? So I would think about that. You also have big chunks of dialogue where no one interrupts. I would look at seeing if you could make it more like a tennis match, you know, back and forth. It's hard as a reader to read such large chunks without wanting to skim. I hope this is of some help. If you make any edits and want me to look again, let me know. I'd be happy to. I wish you the best of luck.

Rachel May

Hello Dawn. So sorry it's taken me a while to get around to our agreed read-swap, but here I am.
I found this effortless to read and really enjoyed the almost subliminal way you outlined Joy's world and her place in it. I absolutely loved her battle with Amelia and was longing to slap Richard's face! Masterfully done.
However, I found myself wondering all the way through the first chapter where Sophie fit into things? It was a bit of a distraction which was a pity as the rest flowed so well. Do you really need it right there? To me, the scene with Joy on the ramparts was a clear and obvious place to start the book.
I also noticed a few specifics:
'What is going to be the outcome?' This felt like an awkward sentence. What will the outcome be?
James Bond himself, would come..' you have quite a few superfluous commas in ch 1, this one, after 'himself', is just one example.
'I have not ever done..' this too sounded awkward. I've never done?
I also think you could cut out many of the exclamation marks. Let the prose suggest them instead.
Those nit-picks aside, I liked the flavour of this so I'm happy to give it a turn on my shelf.
I'll be interested to hear what you think of King's Envoy!
All the best,
xx
Cas.

Hi there,
Great way to start the story - different ;-)
Your writing is clear and crisp, straight to the point, I really enjoyed this aspect of it.
The only thing I might change would be in the third paragraph - 'Then I think' to 'I am thinking' or similar, it just jarred a wee bit for me there.
However, this is very appealing, a great idea and easy to read so I will be back for more ;-)
In the meanwhile, up on my shelf!
Best wishes,
Annabelle
(Look forward to your thoughts on 'Adelaide' ;-))

Excellent way to introduce the people and the setting. The knowledge being spread throughout the dialogue gives a real authenticity to the story. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett, (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

hi dawn,

what a lovely original idea.

from the thought evoking opening, i was whisked through the first few chapters on a wave of poetry, powerfully charged emotions and beautifully written scenes.

i love this site for opening my mind. i've read a few books that normally wouldn't have grabbed my attention only to be pleasantly surprised. your book is in the higher echelon of those.

my mind feels like it has been spring cleaned by the quality of your writing.

thank you very much-SHELVED_TJ

I've read 14 and 15--the first two chapters posted on the site. I like the voice of Sophia, very appropriate for a girl her age. Like the whole diary/journal device. Feel i know Sophia better than I know Joy. Wish I had access to the early pages of the novel.

Dear Dawn,


Good on you girl. Writing a novel and then using the proceeds for others. Many people talk. Few act. I did the same thing with my first novel. Put the son of our Zulu housekeeper through teachers training college after he did better in matric than I did.

As a high-school teacher Themba used his salary to put himself through varsity, majoring in maths and science. He then adopted me as his father and earns more money than my biological son. Hee, hee.

Nice work, self publishing Pride and Joy. On my bookshelf.

I see your note about not allowing any more chapters. Strange that. My original version of Fig Tree was forty five chapters, 110,000 words. The current fourth rewrite has been cut down to fewer chapters and 94,000 words. And I’m thinking of changing it back to British English, formal speak. Yikes.

OK reading now. First person, present tense. Lot’s of opportunities to do things with that.

Nice sprightly writing. Enthusiastic. Change of tense. I did that too.

Small crit. Very fastidious. I don’t consider the ‘very’ is necessary. Fastidious is powerful. Just a further comment on adjectives and adverbs. John Steinbeck recommends writing without them and seeking the appropriate noun or verb.

In my opinion, I think sparse writing is better than flowery descriptions. Yours is pretty sparse and tight.

I can’t fault the writing. It is authoritative. It paints pictures which I readily see.

Very much narrative story-telling. I suppose one can do this in first person. Last year, I was criticized for too much narrative and spent four hundred hours rewriting. But what a lesson. I learned a lot about dialogue although it’s still not quite right.

Is unrequited love mentioned in the synopsis? Don’t remember. Ouch ouch and the exclamation marks are not necessary. The writing leading up to this made the point and the reader is already on Joy’s side.

May I crit by deleting ‘very’ in I was conscious……. The reader is sympathizing with you and very seems to weaken conscious. It is strong enough to stand on its own.

Again, I would junk exclamation marks. The plainer the better.

The dialogue without he said she saids reads beautifully. Masterful. Don’t like males getting the credit. So let’s say mistressful and the males be damned.

Dawn, this reads beautifully. It is already pretty plain and sparse. My view would be to keep it that way, because it makes it credible. I’m not mad about overwritten, flowery, long descriptions (trying to impress) which hamper the image the reader has in his or her head.

Trusting this carries on making money for charity. Your other two works are watch-listed and I’ll get around to them shortly.

Have fun with your writing.

See you soon,


Pierre.

hi dawn,

i saw your profile but still found it a little confusing starting at c14. the writing is certainlt top notch though.

it must be a pain not being able to upload everything-what have authonomy said about it?

happy to read the beginning when you sort the problem out.

all the best-TJ

Hi Dawn...

I am giving you a space on my shelf because this certainly is a good novel (Pride and Joy)... I must admit, I found the second part stronger than the earlier chapters. The early part I found a bit too light and fluffy, but the history section I found good and strong... It made me think... have you ever considered writing a historical novel? An interesting story with an unusual theme... All the Best... Regards... Duncan.

This is beautiful, delicate and soft. The writing is poetic and of course I love the poems that open each chapter. I'm afraid my time is horribly limited at the moment, and I have only managed the first three chapters. I will try and come back when things ease off.

In the meantime I am putting this fresh and delightful work on my shelf and wishing you all the best.

Kat
Don't Forget Your Lucky Pants

I have read a lot of stories on here today, but this is the first i have encountered which i can honestly say has a heartbeat. Your writing is truly soulful. The poems were superb. You are my favourite author right now.

Hey Dawn,
That poem at the beginning was excellent, three lines and yet it conveyed so much.
I read the first chapter and found it to be a delightful read throughout. Bravo!

Hello again, I finished 6&7. I expected more. Where is the rest? Why did we need such a long history lesson? Very boring. I want more of the relationship between Joy & Richard.
You are a gifted writer but your story telling is wordy and at times confused, or maybe it was just me.
I think you have the beginnings of a great tragic heroine in Joy. I want to know more about her.
Good luck with your book. I wish you much success. eddie

Hi Dawn Rose, finished 5 chapters. first thoughts... i have seen chick flicks but rarely have i read a chick book. this is very chick. at times it is so wordy that i don't think i could go any further and then a word or a phrase catches me and propels me. my instincts roar for something to happen but nothing does. please ,please could joy get laid already!!
You are a beautiful writer. As others have said your writing is very poetic and your command of the language is artistic.
Your character development is interesting. Joy is venus I assume-goddess of love and beauty but why does she deny her sexuality. Do we need to analyze why she says, "I don't want any other man than my father."
When she says that my pleasure is the pleasure of others do I assume that she is headed for the medical field, nunnery or whore house. No way-which is why I will read on and share my thoughts for whatever they are worth. eddie

Dear Dawn, I have been really enjoying the opening chapters of Pride and Joy - I like the poems starting each chapter, and the following prose is similarly poetic in nature, complete with evocative descriptions. I am looking forward to reading on... With best wishes, Andrew.

Hello Dawn,

You invited me to look at this and I've done so. It's very pretty and evocative writing, but it's not a story that has gripped me. (This is me, not you, you understand. It's not a genre I read much of.)
I do wish you well with it, and I agree the poems at the beginning of each chapter blend in well. And of course, as always, this is just my opinion.
Keep writing.

I like the fresh feel of it, very original writing. And the mixture of poetry and prose is unique too. And the Images. Truly good writing, and I'm happy to put it on my shelf for a bit!

Dawn,

Okay, right off the bat I loved the poems. Don't get rid of them please...

You have a very lyrical way about your writing that brought me in at the begining and then put me to sleep. I had a hard time staying focused on the story and what it was going to be about in the first chapter. Maybe a bit too wordy... You do paint things in a lovely way though. So well I forget what I'm reading about... I think if you gave more content and less fluff the reader wouldn't feel this way. This is only my opinion though, I am no expert.

I am a very realistic person so I had issues with the dialogue in the second chapter. No realistic tone even though it was a dream I couldn't accept it. It seemed odd...romantic and pretty but strange. Maybe that was what you were going for?

I think you are very gifted in your writing style. I believe you have done alot of poetry? ...That's what I'm guessing is the case by what I have read. I think you need to think about leading your reader on the journey as well as describing it. I do think you have a very strong idea here with some amazing description. I'm just getting into it and I'll pick up more later today.

I'll be in touch!

Jen

Hi Dawn...

As promised, I have taken a quick look at 'Pride and Joy' and I think that you have a very unusual start to what promises to be a fine novel. At first, I thought that the poetry might interrupt the flow of the story, but if anything, it adds to the flow, bringing the reader into the start of the next chapter.

Only one comment to make at the moment. Chapter 3, the line that starts 'There is a profusion of theatres...'
It should read 'There are a profusion of theatres... only because profusion, meaning 'many', is a plural word and the entire sentence, is plural...

Apart from that, I can find very little wrong with what I have, so far, read... You have an easy style that is not overburdened with adjectives (My own particular fault) and it is, a well balanced novel... I will keep you watchlisted until I can read more... A very interesting approach, to an unusual, but good novel... All the Best... Regards... Duncan

This is marvelous Dawn. I love the use of poetry and the directness and I love the poetic flow of your sentences. A nicely written book and thought-provoking.
Worth a back.

All the best

Phiz

Dawn
I love the way you use Sophie's poems to start each chapter. I was a little confused about the age of your character while I read 5 chapters, though. Perhaps tie in the age th epoem was written with the age in the story. Not sure, but somehow make it clearer.
There are some beautiful images in here, like the kitchen and the beach. It's well written. However, I agree with Odysseus that it needs some more sculpting. It's a good book that could be a great book. Write and re-write (problem is finding the time, with life and reading other people's work!)
Definitely change your synopsis: I can see people being turned off by the sentence at the end. It comes across as arrogant - and I'm sure you're not. I've read some of your feedback elsewhere - you are a lovely lady.
On my bookshelf to help you on your way.
Much love and light.
ChrisX
I Dare You

Hi,

As promised, I have made my way over to your book. I also promised to read through at least chapter 4 and I have read through chapter 5. This is building well. I think chapter 3 fits in with what you're trying to do. I like the way you have started this story. The Sophie Large excerpts are an engaging and different way to begin your chapters.

I do think there are places where the dialogue contains info dump that needs to be trimmed. And there are scenes that perhaps drag on a little too much. Like the scene on the beach once she wakes up from the dream. I'm intrigued by the dream aspect, by the way.

These are simply my subjective ramblings. Overall, I liked what I read, I see great potential in this and I'm going to pop it on my shelf for a while.

I have spent a lot of time reading this now and also the comments you have already received. It reads well and easily and the dialogue is natural and believable, although I see that others disagree.
Some of the comments I agree with and some I don’t; but I do agree with the person who skipped the intros/poetry. I know it will be a hard thing to do—and do take soundings from others—but my biggest suggestion would be to drop them. The Chapter 4 opening was fine, if you could find a way to work it into the story somehow; but the rest struck me, as perhaps others, as not being relevant to what one is reading. Could there be confusion between your inspiration for wanting to write this story and the very real tragedy that happened in real life? Everyone knows the story Doctor Zhivago and the inspiration that was Lara; but even in this work of fiction, Pasternak puts Zhivago’s Lara poems at the end—a sort of appendix. Your writing and your own voice is better than a young girl’s, however endearing, and it is that that we want to hear.
Having made that suggestion, I am immediately going to repeat that you should see what other better qualified people say ie I prefer to praise Caesar not to bury him. I have spent some hours on this---and I did continue reading. Someone else said they had rewritten theirs about twenty times or something, and another that they had been reworking theirs for two years. You don’t need that long to pull this into better shape.

Ok. you have a very poetic way with words at the beginning, which I admire. I like the freshly laundred sheets and the way they are compared with 'fresh morning sand' on the beach, a very likeable setting. Besides, I think you should shorten everything up. I mean, this is sheer poetry in prose, but the main issue of every author is 1) catch the attention of an editor (this is why we're all in here for) 2) catch the attention of readers (but first we all have to be pubblished, so let's pretend that we're THE readers!). use ten words where you could use one it's a capital sin for every author. I tell you this because at times I seem to have the same problem (or better: I have this problem too. you see: same meaning, less words). anyway your book is good, and if you want it to be like this, very artistic, I suppose it's Ok. good luck. ;-)

Hi Dawn,

You have a lovely, dreamy voice and create a beautiful sense of place in this book. I'll give it a spot on my shelf for a bit :). Your main character, Joy, is sympathetic and introspective, definitely someone I'd like to get to know better.

A few thoughts:

-Although the prologue contains important and interesting information, it's too slow a beginning for the book. Instead, I would weave in this information as the story progresses.
-As I said, you create a beautiful sense of place. Watch out for the word "laundered". It's such a striking image, I noticed when it reappeared.
-Maybe I missed this, but I wasn't sure where this cold beach was located.
-I'm very intrigued by Joy's dream of the French boy and how it connects to the present day.

Thanks for inviting me over for a look--this was an enjoyable to dally a bit before getting back to other work.

Cheryl

Chapter 5 - and things are hotting up! I'm still intrigued by the little epigraphs or 'prologues' to each chapter - they feel like a parallel story, so that you're kind of getting two stories for the price of one. And I'm assuming that she's not, strictly speaking, his sister, because surely ... no, I mustn't guess; just come back for the next instalment.

BTW - you mentioned (in your message) about living near Stratford. Whereabouts?

Best wishes,

Simon

Lol. Is this a real story? I'm not sure I can differentiate. I'm gripped. I love your descriptive prose, its very engaging and I can clearly paint the images you're portraying in my head. I'm not usually a big fan of romance or the similar genres, but your slightly negative beginning drew me in. All good movies for example of these genres [in my opinion] start with a tragedy, means we can move along with the characters as they try to rebuild their lives. I know I said movies, but your language is very vivid, enough to picture the scene. I agree with Al Francis, any terribly negatie criticism is usually bollocks, jealousy. Lol. I think this is a fabulous book, and you are a fine writer. Keep up the good work. Gonna read some more when I get a chance! Backed. x

I have just started reading and I love it...the meandering, notebook, diary, poetry style.It's not for everyone but I get it....and I love it. So tired, I'll read more tomorrow ... all those critics telling you how to write! Fuck 'em. And bless you for being so individual

There is some excellent writing here; the description of the morning on the beach is really first rate. On the negative side, I felt the poems were too long, and broke up the narrative with a jolt. The prologue should also be clearly indicated. You let yourself down a little by reverting to clichés: adorable toddler, crosses the threshold, handing over the reins - and even with longer passages: “…his eyes were a vivid blue. They were like two huge pools and I felt a curious desire to dive into them and swim around for ever.” (Repeated in Chapter 4.)

I say let yourself down because clearly you can write, and to a very high standard.

The hardest thing is to cut your own work, but a little trimming, certainly of the beach conversation/debate, and why Norfolk is great (which it is), would bring this out of the ordinary and into the exceptional.

I’m more than happy to back this as, potentially (and without too much work), it is a winner.

Thanks for inviting me to read your work. I think that while you have a talent for writing, and you write well, you've got to decide exactly where you want to go with this book and get there.

Your first chapter will get a lot of reading. Obviously because every new reader you attract to your book has to naturally, start there. Consequently, your first chapter has got to be extremely good in order to seduce your reader to click on chapter two.

At the moment, even though chapter one is carefully written, there is no dialogue, no conflict, and certainly no intrigue to make someone want to go on.

I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just trying to be helpful. You can make this story work for you because you have the ability to do so. There is poetry (which I skipped - not really interested) and lots of words put together nicely. But where is it all going? You asked me to read the first seven chapters, but I don't feel I can do this at this time because I don't see anything happening. I'm truly sorry I couldn't offer anything else, but like I said, with some editing, you can get there.

I've re-written my book about twenty times and am still doing so. It's not a big deal. Once the book is written, the hard part begins . . .

best
anne