Back In The Summer of '96 (oh yeah!)

This was an easy and delightful read. You've handled the first person narrative perfectly, I didn't feel any of the normal blandness I sometimes do with it. I love your characters and I can really relate to this and I think a lot of others will too. It's just one of those guilty pleasures you devour in less than a day. I really hope you do post more eventually! I can tell you've put a lot of work into this so keep it up!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

BACK IN THE SUMMER OF '96 (OH YEAH).
A good pitch - lots of relevant information that the reader can indulge in before opening the covers of your book - good.
You name your main characters and give a brief rundown on them and then a few lines on the plot of the novel - all necessary and perfect as a hook.
I read three no four chapters and it was easy to get involved from the beginning. Natasha, is well defined and is a strong character.
Your writing comes across as clear and very east to read. Pace good, flows well and I'm not just saying that.
I enjoyed the dialogue - perfect for the genre and thought it was fun the way you include all the other girls with their encoutrements.
This is fine writing andI see no reason why it shouldn't do well. I've given it high stars and I sincerely hope you have a lot of luck with it.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

I read the first three chapters. I thought the language to be simple and straight forward, making for easy reading. Once we got past the prologue, the writing seemed to come alive with detail and imagery. It still moved quickly, but the scenes were concrete and substantive.

I was worried, because the story is about the best summer ever, that there would be no tension, but that comes in the courtship. The intrigue and mystery drives the story forward.

You have a good narrator, a good sense of voice.

I do have one other thought about your prologue I'll leave in your messages.

' Back in the Summer of '96 ( oh yeah!)'

Your character Natasha is well captured by a strong credible voice and good narration. The supporting characters are also well defined.
You have a clear focus on the time frame which is well integrated .

Jane
'Breath in the Dark'

I recall reading this what must be over a year ago, and advising you that a great deal of work was required. What a difference a year makes. The first person along with added introspection has made for massive improvements. Your writing is clearer and characterisation is vastly improved. I guess you can see the difference yourself? Well that's what time and effort does to anyone's writing. Keep on doing what you're doing, and your writing will only get better. Well done!

This is a perfect fall into book. the only issue I found was the prolog where you introduce the character. Most of the information is repeated in your first chapter perfectly and is more delightful to read. If you were to explain her body as it laid underneath Anton for instance it would allow you to describe what she looked like without needing the prolog. If you think it's important to keep the prolog then take out the repeated mentioning of being an international buyer and her desire to be an artist.

Over all I like the first few chapters and they drew me in.

Michel Prince
Chrysalis
Frozen

Hi,

I just spotted your book, so I popped over to have a look and leave a comment. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Prologue: It's clear from the start that Natasha's full of energy and attitude, and is lots of fun. She's almost a force of nature ;). I think you do a great job of getting us inside her head with your readable, conversational style of writing. And you slip lots of background information into this section in a way that doesn't come across a clunky exposition. Good stuff. :)

Chapter 1: I sympathise with Natasha for the awful hangover. We've all been there ;).

I've a little suggestion here. I think it's sometimes best to avoid gerunds in certain situations as they can make actions appear simultaneous when they aren't. eg in "Shuffling around under the covers, I turned to look..." it's implied the actions happen simultaneously. I think "I shuffled around under the covers and turned to look..." would give a clearer picture of events.

Reading on... Great sparky dialogue between her and Anton. Short vivid sex scene, and then she's off. She's obviously a modern, independent woman. ;)

I almost laughed aloud at "... walking like John Wayne...". She's funny. Looks like Anton's got a real hold on her, despite the fact she seems to wish he didn't ;). I can see why she'd get fed up in her job as a buyer. It would drown any1 in paperwork. For such a free spirit, I think that would fast become unbearable. Looks like her spirit's about to doom her relationship with David. Boring would be a cardinal sin in her eyes ;).

I've a tiny suggestion here. I think, where possible, it's best to avoid "filtering" words such as felt/saw/liked etc because they place the character slightly in the way of the reader. eg in "I liked the high life, but I also liked a man to have an edge...." you're telling the reader a fact about her. If, instead, you wrote something like "Don't get me wrong, the high life's great and all that. I just think a man should have an edge, you know?" the reader would get to share her thoughts direct. I think such an approach could be more involving.

Reading on... Interesting way to introduce Carrie. I thought she was suicidal or engaged in a peculiar sex act ;). Great dialogue between the 2 friends. I think it's lots of fun. From the way they dress up it looks like they're off for a night on the town to torment men ;). Annalise seems prickly when they meet her. She seems tough and self-reliant. By the end of the chapter, it seems all 3 of them are out on the prowl. Men beware! ;)

Oops I just saw how long this comment's getting. I think I got a bit carried away by your story ;). I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here, filled with fun. Your descriptions are well done, and really paint pictures of what's going on. And the dialogue is believable and feels real. The heart and soul of your story is the women at the centre. They’re well-drawn characters that I can really see women wanting to read about. God only knows what trouble that crowd will get up to when they get going. ;)

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I would love to see your work published. I think there's a real audience out there for your story. :)

Best of luck,

Pete

Hi Hannah,

I've just read the prologue.

Personally, I would start your book at ch1 (I have not read it yet but as a principle..) and craft all the narrative detail and back-story from the prologue into your main story. IMO it is more fun that way and it can also help to add layers to your early storyline.

That said, it reads well (without being over-written) and the voice evokes the genre whilst also creating an interesting MC.

One small question: you indicate that Natasha has Swiss parents and then you mention them 'going back to Sweden' - I didn't know if this was intended?

Onto ch 1 ...

This was an easy and delightful read. You've handled the first person narrative perfectly, I didn't feel any of the normal blandness I sometimes do with it. I love your characters and I can really relate to this and I think a lot of others will too. It's just one of those guilty pleasures you devour in less than a day. I really hope you do post more eventually! I can tell you've put a lot of work into this so keep it up!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Hannah,
I enjoy your writing style. I think writing about sex and sexual tension make for potent writing. For this reason, make sure to make each sexual scene its own. Try to include a detail that made that particular sexual escapade different from others. I like the main character. I like that she's beautiful and tries to be confident, but deep down I think she's insecure.

As others have pointed out, work on your punctuation. Watch out for switching verb tenses. Try to be very economical with your words ... make sure every word has a purpose. Make sure very description is painting a vivid, necessary detail.

GOOD LUCK! GOOD FOR YOU!

I read the first three chapters. I thought the language to be simple and straight forward, making for easy reading. Once we got past the prologue, the writing seemed to come alive with detail and imagery. It still moved quickly, but the scenes were concrete and substantive.

I was worried, because the story is about the best summer ever, that there would be no tension, but that comes in the courtship. The intrigue and mystery drives the story forward.

You have a good narrator, a good sense of voice.

I do have one other thought about your prologue I'll leave in your messages.

BACK IN THE SUMMER OF '96 (OH YEAH).
A good pitch - lots of relevant information that the reader can indulge in before opening the covers of your book - good.
You name your main characters and give a brief rundown on them and then a few lines on the plot of the novel - all necessary and perfect as a hook.
I read three no four chapters and it was easy to get involved from the beginning. Natasha, is well defined and is a strong character.
Your writing comes across as clear and very east to read. Pace good, flows well and I'm not just saying that.
I enjoyed the dialogue - perfect for the genre and thought it was fun the way you include all the other girls with their encoutrements.
This is fine writing andI see no reason why it shouldn't do well. I've given it high stars and I sincerely hope you have a lot of luck with it.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

' Back in the Summer of '96 ( oh yeah!)'

Your character Natasha is well captured by a strong credible voice and good narration. The supporting characters are also well defined.
You have a clear focus on the time frame which is well integrated .

Jane
'Breath in the Dark'

I recall reading this what must be over a year ago, and advising you that a great deal of work was required. What a difference a year makes. The first person along with added introspection has made for massive improvements. Your writing is clearer and characterisation is vastly improved. I guess you can see the difference yourself? Well that's what time and effort does to anyone's writing. Keep on doing what you're doing, and your writing will only get better. Well done!

Hi Hannah,
Natasha woke early, eyes bleary and temples that hurt from a hangover which was just surfacing. Yes, we've all had mornings like that, but we don't usually get the added bonus of Anton the sexy footballer who ended up on anti-depressants after ruining his shoulder.

I like the light breezy style you have in this story, and the edit will go a long way in improving the pace as a lot of information is repeated. Sometimes even taking a word or two out of each sentence makes an huge difference.

A couple of examples:
The scene where Natasha is talking about their break-up – from “So sadly, after a year of this..” down to “she thought sadly” could be condensed as you are repeating the information. For example, it says ‘she walked away’ twice.

Also, the sentence, “He was handsome, with a mop of dark brown hair and he reminded her of a young Hugh Grant, Natasha had thought on more than one occasion.” You can end the sentence at Hugh Grant because we already know he reminds her of Hugh.

Ok, I wanted to read on, because I like stories about groups of fabulous chicks living it up, but you lost my attention at the description of Natasha. “She was beautiful, and was acutely aware of this. She had the most amazing mass of platinum hair, which ran straight down her back like a beautiful silk curtain.” And then her eyes, “they were so penetrating, so beautiful.”

I think you can tone this down a lot so we get the idea she's fabulous without telling us over and over again how beautiful she is. Alternatively rather than a straight description of her looks, maybe weave it into the narrative somehow. Maybe when she wakes up with Anton?

Cheers,
Heather, Friends & Pho

Hannah, this is a perfect example of the genre - snappy dialogue, slightly mixed up protagonist torn between gorgeous Anton and sensible David, lots of supportive girlfriends well-drawn, a diamate-encrusted clutch bag and of course - all that glamour. There are lots of examples of Chick-lit on Authonomy, but you do what most published authors in the field do well. You start with a bang and you don't get bogged down in unnecessary detail. I was grabbed from the start. This should go far. Bookshelved.

I’m a sucker for girlie stories and your characters have the best of them. Just thinking about the summer of ’96 puts a smile on my face and you’ve done a great job at recreating that atmosphere. Shelved and good luck.

I’m a sucker for girlie stories and your characters have the best of them. This is fun and heartening. I’m showing my age here, but just thinking back to 96 put a smile on my face, you’ve done a good job of recreating that atmosphere. Shelved.

I'm sure it's intentional, but how horrible are the characters in this book? The majority of them are vapid and self-interested, ignoring their friends needs, and it felt like I was reading the script for an episode of Footballers Wives. If the intention is to make us struggle to decide whether we want the characters to win or lose, whether we are for or against them, then excellent job. Keep it up!

Ed

I said I would get to this by Saturday, but I had a bit of Insomnia. I got started reading and being the man that I am I was naturally drawn in and when I got to -----To be continued---OMG! I actually wished I would have waited until Saturday hoping you would have written more. So I am going to end my comment here===To be continued with great hope you wont delay===YES! Your backed!

Hey Hannah, said I was looking forward to a good read and that's exactly what I got!! I would deffo miss my stop on the train into work if I was reading this!! So easy to get into, love the glam characters because secrelty that's what we all want to look like! Light choc mousse REALLY DOES lower the intake of pizza calories...or so I believe!! I love the mentions of songs thorough the story as it instantly conjours up my own memories of those songs (I Love cotton eye joe - who deosn't!! Guilty pleasure) which also makes you connect to the characters. I remember being in bars singing 3 Lions and wanting to believe! Your writing has a really friendly format, I really want to know what happens to Tash, Anna & Carrie - I'm hooked!! Shelved x

Thanks for the backing Hannah - I've added your book to my wishlist and I'll give it a quick read and review when I get a chance!

Ed

Heeey, northern lasses, yer can't beat 'em, unless there's a bit o' Swedish thrown in. Nice work and lots of fun. It's odd but at first I was a bit concerned about the long descriptions of the looks of the girls and the clothing, normally I prefer to picture characters myself, but then I told myself I was being particularly anal here and not getting the kind of book this is. Once I did that the scales fell from my eyes and I realsied these descriptions are actually an important part of the book. They help to build the lifestyle and character of these girls, for whom looks and appearance is pretty much everything, well, that and partying. Yes it is Sex in The City relocated to Yorkshire. You've nailed them all pretty well and I can't help but have the hots for Natasha, although a girl walking like John Wayne did have me laughing like a fool. Good one, girl.

Well, the title puts me off because it reminds me of Bryan Adams AND Euro 96. That aside, I thought it was good fun and well written. Natasha is attractive and her friends well drawn. Someone else mentioned sentence structure - I think this is good advice.

SHELVED.

You don’t waste any time getting right to the action. The story is well told. Some tweaking might help the story move along. I know you are going through an edit, so thought these comments might be helpful. One overall thing I noticed, many of your sentences are similar length. Vary the length to help you pace your story. Shorter length makes the story move faster. Longer, slows the pace down.

That said, I do like your style, though I would encourage you to tighten things up and discern how to lay down your storyline earlier in the work. I’m going to put this on my shelf. Good luck to you, Hannah.

Prologue
She’d not forgotten how she used to stare… Eliminate She’d not forgotten
Consider: …Anton sleepily opened his eyes and focused on her. (period) “Good morning, gorgeous.” (comma and don’t need he said. We know it’s him.)
Consider: I enjoyed last night, Anton. Fancy round two before I go to work?
Consider shortening this into more than one sentence: After their fervent lovemaking, Natasha had left while Anton slept. Picking up her clothes scattered on his bedroom floor, Natasha quietly walked to the kitchen to dress. She didn’t want to wake him. (Maybe describe what she is picking up. Pink lacy push-up bra, black skirt, etc.)
I don’t think you need to say that it was important to Natasha how she looked. We will get that as the story progresses. Consider have her think something to herself. My hair looks crazy and my makeup is smeared. Hope I don’t see anyone. Think about ways to get more descriptive so we can see Natasha, Anton and what the setting looks like.
Three paragraphs in a row start with She. Revise to provide some variety.

Chapter 1
You start by saying that Natasha was bored out of her mind. This is similar to what we heard in the prologue. Consider a different way to express. The tedium was making her crazy – or something like that.
Stuck in the stuffy office. Why was it stuffy? Was it filled with papers? No ventilation? No windows? Instead of using an adjective, help the reader understand what is happening in the setting.
Walking like John Wayne – now THAT is descriptive! Good!
Consider: The depression which had torn them apart had lifted. He was once again happy-go-lucky, trim and off antidepressants. He looked sexy again, and he was irresistible last night.
The sentence that starts She was sure, had the gripping depression… is really long. Consider breaking this into 3 or 4 sentences.
Overall – I’m not sure where the story is going. I have met Natasha, understand that she had dated Anton and wants to break up with David. She seems to be a party girl. If you can provide more of a hint as to what direction I’m headed, that would be helpful as a reader.

you naughty minx-very enticing cover.

the story certainly caught my interest, but i've a few nitpicks.

have you considered thoughts in italics-just saves writing she thought etc.-oh no, another bloody boring day at work.

she smiled at the thought-overwritten-we know she's thinking, therefore-she smiled.

anton does an action and then speaks, so you can probs lose the tab-he said.

direct speech needs a comma b4 name-take me now, anton-although not sure she'd use his name being as she is so intimate with him?

*** try and keep this bit all in the present.

as their breathing returned to normal, natasha watched anton's eyelids flicker until he was asleep. she then picked up her clothes from the various parts of the bedroom floor on which they had been discarded after being stripped passionatley from her body. Not wanting to disturb him, she made her way to the kitchen and got dressed.

Hello, Hannah! I'm very impressed that you've got a whole book here, and that you're now editing....getting the first draft out is always the most difficult part.

I like the 'hook' at the beginning---everyone will want to know why the heroine is in bed with her EX-fiancee. However, I'm not quite so convinced that it's a good idea to have sex on the first page---I think it's better, often, to tease the reader, raising their expectations and thwarting it---have a look, for example, at some of the chick lit writers like Lisa Jewell and Katie Fforde----where we keep THINKING it's going to happen, but it doesn't---so we keep turning the page in hope.

Just a very small point (and I've only read a little of your book)----you may not have read 'Bridget Jones the Edge olf Reason', of course---but that line about the boyfriend not wanting to be looked at while asleep occurs in that, very early on --Mark Darcy says it to Bridget. And so I think you should change it----

Will read more later..

Hi Hannah,
First off, I like the way the story opens, nothing like a good sex scene to catch the readers attention..:)..I can see a talented hand driving this story forward. You may want to watch for the repeating of words. In chapter 1, the three sentence paragraph where the girls are getting 'ready' to go out. You use the word (ready)3 times and the word (already) 2 times. Chapter 2 really takes off with some great dialogue and your true talent starts to shine. I usally don't give detailed comments on other peoples work because I would hate to mislead them. I can see something unique in your writing style, I like it. Your voice is very strong in the telling and I enjoy the Diary like narration of your story. Your characters are fun, complex and believable. I'm more than happy to back your work.
Jan

Hi! You have some strong and interesting characters here. You do them a disservice by telling too much in the first chapter and showing very little. Right away, a scene between Anton and Natasha would really draw the reader in. Then in the next section, a scene at work. Your book only gets going in Chapter 2. From that point on, when you write scenes, it is clear to see how well you write and the fine material you have to work with. With some work, your book could really take off. It has great marketability potential.

Michael

Hello, Hannah. I've read all of it and its fun girly stuff. It seems like a light and airy diary of single party girl's life and I wonder where you are going with it. Will it continue to be a fly on the wall documentary about modern girl Life? I have never actually watched Sex and the City with one of the characters that I think is called Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker?) but it seems similar to the impression I get. You could try looking at Alan Devey's 'Wallfloweresque' on Authonomy which is a male version of this. I've recently read a book similar in concept to this which is Marian Keyes' 'Lucy Sullivan is Getting Married' but the main character has some serious problems that she has to deal with and her equally fun-seeking party flatmates are like her and blunder from one failed relationship to the next, desperate for a man who will love them and stay faithful to them - meanwhile, they just party on in hope and day to day flat-sharing. Their companionship makes up for their boring jobs and failure in relationships. As said, it has lots of depth because they have some serious issues to deal with but it is very similar on the surface. I would be interested to know where you are taking this but I do see it as a fun diary so I'm putting it on my shelf. Keep in touch. Good luck and very best wishes, Dawn

Hi Hannah. Your excerpt is amazing because you carry a story forward with visual imagery without describing any settings. It is scrubbed clean. An original narrative. The backstory and long winded POV work because they are not bogged down. It's a fresh, happy-go-lucky, experimental piece. And a loveable, quirky protagonist. I placed you on my shelf and send my best regards. Janet Marie

Your writing style is as bright and breezy as your character Natasha is. (Why did I never meet anyone like that when I was feeling miserable?) Your merry band of party-goers are very likeable characters and I am sure they will have some fine adventures together. I am sure this kind of writing has a huge market. It is not one I know, so I can't really offer up any help to improve your work, nor I can imagine what you might be doing wrong, if anything. I enjoyed what I read but, in all honesty, I doubt that you are writing it for someone like me.

Great stuff, Hannah - keep it going!

Hi Hannah,

I think this story is a great beach book, and I'd happily spend a day with it. I do feel that it could use a tighten up here and there to improve the flow, and there are occasional typos - one at the end of chapter three springs to mind "this is my mates boyfriend" mate's.

I love the breezy humour and the real 90's feel gives it a comfiness I could snuggle into. Great pacing and lovely characterisation. The only thing that felt odd, was reference to black hair with blue streaks as being fiery - surely red streaks would be fiery, blue seemed cooler.

I'm sure this is going to receive some attention from agents, so I wish you luck and will pop you on my shelf.

Kat
Don't Forget Your Lucky Pants

Hi there! I love your dialogue and the witty wordplay and turns of phrases. (Especially the John Wayne one! That put the perfect image into my head.) It feels very much like a couple of girls hanging out, and who doesn't love that? 96 was the year before I was married, so good times for all!

It feels like the first two chapters were kind of floating about and I felt a little directionless. I'd love a hook somewhere in there that drives me on reading on even if the hook was silly. Also there were a few akward sentences and missing punctuation moments through the piece. But don't fret, we all have these!

Here is one akward sentence (per my opinion of course, please feel free to ignore me if you find fault with what I say)

Annalise scowled, still not having forgotten how long she had to wait outside for the others to arrive.

Here is a slightly different turn of phrase, which keeps the original meaning, but is a bit easier to read:
Annalise scowled, the memory of how long she had waited outside for her two friends to arrive.

Also (unless you are doing it on purpose) you will want to look at your punctuation in dialogue. When writing

"I want a cup of tea," John said, "before bed."

You want to use a comma before you close the quotation and then after your said tag.

I do hope you find some of this helpful! I believe there is a big market for this type of book and I woud like to see you go far with this :) If you want to discuss anything with me, please feel free to message me at any time!

Hannah,

Some comments here as promised. Please know that this is only the opinion of one person and you can do with this review whatever you see fit. Also know that I only shelf tose books I think are ready to be sent out to an agent.
OK, here we go.
I sense that you have a story to tell here, but as it stands, I feel the writing needs substantial work on style and voice.
Let's take the first scene. What happens in this scene? Natasha stares out the window and thinks about good sex she had. Take the last word of the previous sentence: had. How many times have you used it in this scene? Almost every sentence has it. Apart from the fact that this gets really repetitive, the word 'had' also has the tendency to make the writer cringe. It feels awkward, bulky and clumsy to use. A section of text full of had-s indicates something that's told in past perfect tense, something that has already happened. Now if these events are so important that they need to be told in the first scene, why not, instead of having Natasha do nothing in the first scene, let her start with the great sex?
For most writers, the order in which text is most engaging is: 1. action scenes, 2. dialogue scenes, 3. narrative. Your first scene is all narrative in clunky past perfect, where Natasha does nothing except muse and look out the window.
What is told about the sex could be funny if the readers could experience it, too, but we're told, and I'm not engaged.
A proviso: I might be engaged if the text had a strong voice. The voice is like the character speaking to you. For an excellent voice, see Katrina Twitchett's 'Don't forget your lucky pants' on this site. What you have to do is BE the character, and tell us the story as the character would experience it, in that character's vocabulary. I feel this is especially important for chick lit.
But whatever you do, get rid of the past perfect in the opening scene.

Hi Hannah!

I do like your story! The style of narration is very refreshing. Although it’s not the kind of book I personally choose to read, I have read some in the past when looking at writing styles and must say this is much easier and more interesting to read than many chick lit books. Of course I’ll give it my backing!

I see you’re using the ‘comic’ font. I’ve been told off by loads of people for the same thing, lol!

Great opening line! It makes the reader ask, ‘What betrayal?’ and turn the page.

Third paragraph. Very funny! But, when you’ve established the past perfect (pluperfect) tense in the beginning of the first sentence, you can happily forget the ‘had’ word for the rest of it. Consider:
She had been out the night before and met up with her ex, Anton. They spent the most wonderful night together. The sex was mind blowing – four times, in almost every position you could think of. She only hoped her colleagues didn’t notice she was walking like John Wayne!

Again, in later paragraphs, you go to town with ‘had’ and ‘had been’. See if you can remove some of them without changing the meaning of what you write.

You write out that ‘she felt sorry for him’ twice within a few paragraphs. This was unnecessary. It was ‘telling’. You’ve already ‘shown’ very well what her feelings are for him through the tone of her thoughts as she remembers the accident and what has happened to him.

,... , and recently she had COME to hate it. Or, ... grown to hate it.

In the beginning of the story, you write about her old relationship with an 18 year old and it’s implied that this was only a few years ago, maybe two. From that, I assume she too is only in that age range, maybe a year younger than the footballer. But when she’s talking about Ben, she says he’s too young. How young could he be to be too young for her??? He must be at least 16, and she can’t be more than 20.

Sentence beginning ‘She’d always wanted to be an artist...’ is way too long!

He was a junior partner in a FIRM OF stock brokers.

Oh, she’s 25! In that case, I think you should have done more to imply her relationship with the footballer had gone on for 6/7 years, or had been over for 5/6 years.

A perfect 10! Do I hear ‘Beautiful South’ in the background now? Lol!

The smell of burning should really have been obvious when Natasha walked through the door, before she saw her friend’s bum in the air, lol!

In dialogue, try to use contractions so the speaking sounds more natural. Also, use shorter, more crisp sentences. For example, “I’m bloody freezing! What took so long?”

Although the chapter has a nice end, you’ve missed the opportunity to throw in some kind of cliff-hanger here. You need to imply something is about to happen. Make the reader ask a question in their heads about what might happen next.

Consider:
Party girls they were. They lived for the weekend. The only question was, where would they be tomorrow? Would they wake up at home, or somewhere new and interesting?

Not a great chapter ending, I know, but I hope you see where I’m coming from.

Also, having reached the end of this chapter, I’m wondering about your time setting. I know from your blurb that this is ’96. However, mentioning ‘Cotton Eye Joe’ doesn’t establish this, unless you imply it’s currently in the charts. You need a few hints, for example:- “The three of them looked like those girls in that ‘Wannabe’ video always playing on The Box, the Pepper Girls or something.” The Spice Girls had just appeared at this time, and before their first single was released, their video became the most played video on The Box. Another easy mention in the first few paragraphs is Natahs’s ex getting excited about Euro 96.

I hope I said something of use to you!

All the best,
Chris :-)

Hi Hannah,

I read your first three chapters.

You've written a most engaging girlfriends' story. Definitely light and breezy. Delightful, too.

Your characterizations are strong and thorough. The three women are flawed (who isn't), but extremely likable.

Your descriptions are great. For example, 'a smattering of freckles on her cheeks and nose, which came out like a mini army if she happened to catch the sun' or 'Carrie, her flatmate, was already there with her bottom in the air and her head in the oven.'

Your humor is wonderful. I laughed out loud at 'on a firSt name basis with the local firemen' and several other times, as well.

Your dialogue is sharp and clever. Your conversations flow and drive your story forward.

Your pacing swept me up and held my interest for all three chapters.

Some suggested edits.

The sex had been mind blowing, Four times, in almost every position you could think of. 'Four' should be lower case.

Not bad considering he was only 18 years old at the time. Spell out numbers 1 to 99. Same thing with 'She was 25 years old for goodness sake.' There are more cases of this type of problem in your first three chapters.

. . . it wasn't right to have such thoughts Finish this sentence with a period.

Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness.

Natasha liked the high life, but she also like a man to have an edge. 'Like' should be 'liked.'

". . . should have a 'serious health hazard' banner hung around her neck at all times" Tasha retorted. Comma after 'times.' Same thing with "And anyway" Natasha said. (comma after 'anyway.') There are more cases of this problem in your first three chapters.

"The taxi was late Anna, so sorry." Comma after 'late.' Same thing with "What's it to be tonight then ladies?" (comma after 'then.') There are more cases of this type of problem in yur first three chapters.

". . . he can't keep his eyes off of you". Period goes inside the final quote mark.

. . . and Natash didn't know if she could bare it. 'Bare' should be 'bear.'

"Start again, you're making no sense!" Shouted Anna once again. 'Shouted' should be lower case.

Great if your had the money!, but a credit card was just as good in Carrie's eyes! Delete the exclamation mark after 'money.'

"I don't know David, you know what Tash is like" Carrie tried to explain Comma after the first 'know.' When you use a name or title in dialogue, off set it with commas. Then, comma after 'like.' When dialogue come to an end for a dialogue tag put a comma inside the closing quote. And finally, period after 'explain.' Dialogue tags normally end with a period.

I have a crush on my best friends boyfriend. 'Friends' should be 'friend's.'

I had to slow down to make these notes, but it didn't interfer with my enjoyment of your witty, captivating story.

Good luck with this book which I have backed.

Al

Might I ask you to read and review SAVANNAH PASSION?

Hi Hannah,
This made me laugh and brought back a few memories!!
I think 'walk like John Wayne' must have been a saying of the times as we all used to say it too!! (not that we all 'walked like John Wayne' of course - *sniggers*)
I think you capture the era really well and you have a great sense of humour which comes over in your writing.
It reminds me of days when things seemed so much simpler and there didn't seem to be much to worry about!
I like your characters, sharp and witty.
I would definitely buy this - and so would all my friends ;-)
Hear's to the 90's - up on myshelf!
Best wishes,
Annabelle

Hi Hannah, Your opening made me laugh as well . . . straight to the point! Although I think the second paragraph could be tightened up a little to lose the odd 'and' . This is just a suggestion obviously . . . 'She'd been out with Anton, her ex, the night before and they'd had the most wonderful night together. ' The John Wayne reference is very funny - he must be some kind of stud that Anton!

'They were framed with lashes that most women would have to buy in a box' - great line.

Ah . . . 'Cotton Eye Joe' . . . I remember it well! The cause of much manic dancing.

I especially like Carrie trying to scrape pizza off the bottom of the oven and being on first name terms with the local firemen. Funny. You have a nice touch with humour.

One thing I would say is to perhaps watch the overuse of 'had' and 'and'. Maybe try to tighten up your sentences a little by finding a different way to construct them without using 'had' or 'and' too many times in one sentence.

This is fun, Hannah – I can tell you really enjoyed writing it, as it comes across in your writing.
I hope you do really well!

Berni x

We I think about it, 1996 was a great year for me too! This is very engaging and I can only guess what is true (the bump on the nose) and what is fiction (the freckles). SHELVED! Detailed notes in your inbox.

HI Hannah, well, what a surprise. I like the girls and the story. I must admit to being guilty of judging the book by its cover, which I thought to be more appealing to men than to women. Why is it that a scantily clad girl on a cover does not make women weant to run out and buy a book. In short, I like your writig. I like your style, I like the story and the characters, but hate the cover. The only bit of advice other than change that cover, would be to stick to a regular Times New Roman font. I've had a publisher return a manuscript because it was in a non-conforming font. Otherwise, good going. You have what it takes.

Well hello Hannah,

The Zapper was drawn in by the "sex in all positions at least four times." It reminded him of his weekend. I've made a few girls walk like John Wayne in my time. This Natasha seems to be one seriously sensual lady.
Is there a bit of you in her? :-P
Altogether a fun read.
I liked the mention of football in there.
I'll be back again for some more, i think i'll be wanting to see how Natasha is doing ;-)

Asta la vista baby

Hi Hannah,
Thanks for backing my book 'Hit and Miss'. I've noticed with some of the other books that I've read that they don't seem to have their own voice; yours does. My main critique would be that, perhaps, you might need to get stuff moving more quickly, because there's a lot of explaining going on. However I am intrigued enough to go on!
Siobhan

Hi Hannah,
Thanks for backing my book 'Hit and Miss'. I've noticed with some of the other books that I've read that they don't seem to have their own voice; yous does. My main critique would be that, perhaps, you might need to get stuff moving more quickly, because there's a lot of explaining going on. However I am intrigued enough to go on!
Siobhan

Hannah,

Told you I'd get around to reading this!

I have to point out that this kind of book not my kind of thing at all, however I think it's in the spirit of this site to read multiple genres and give honest feedback, so I have!

In short, I liek the fact that you're not pretending that it's something it's not; your pitch stating that it's 'light and breezy' is a perfect description. It's easy to read, flows well and appears to be perfect chick-lit material - clothes, boyfriends, parties etc - so there's definitely a market out there.

Best of luck with it!

Cheers

Stanny

Hannah,

This story could be the story of one of my early summers. Freedom for the young...so very sweet. I am confused as to all the ***. The story is spicy. I laughed out load at "John Wayne." You are going on my shelf. Best of luck.
Charity

Hi Hannah, will have a read, of course, but please be patient with me...have a whole list already! Getting to them one by one. I must admit chick lit isn't really my genre, but nothing ventured, nothing gained!!!!!
Will follow up with thoughts as soon as possible.
Have a look at Gathering of Rain, please- also need crits!
Elaina

Thank you Lilian,

I appreciate your comments and taking the time to read some of my book. I've taken a juicy part out of chapter 25, and put it in to the opening chapter, so hopefully that will help to grab the readers attention a little more. I am also thinking of what else I can add, without going overboard.

I take on board all you have said, and will certainly take the steps to give the first few chapters more to grab the readers' attention. I had been building the characters up slowly, but can see that I do need to put something in there, near the front, in order for people to keep wanting to read.

Thanks again, much appreciated!
Hannah x

Read chapters 1-5 today, and found it a nice girlfriends' story, a little, no more than a little of a Sex in the City flavor to it (and that's good, I like the show). The Adam Ant facial characteristic comparison is a classic, since it's a woman who thinks it up.

Liked the Bunnies Tshirt/miniskirt in cold weather description---came across as realistic. I will message a couple of recommended changes to you, but a nice, airy story overall.

Hi all! :)

I've made some changes, have added more details re the descriptions of the characters, and have added some more indepth details about what the girls do for a living, etc., as I had ommitted to do this in my original manuscript. I know I still need to edit, edit, edit, but hope, at least, the changes I have made already, make this book more readable.

I so look forward to your comments!

Kindest regards,
Hannah

Thanks Hayley,

The first four chapters are basically introducing the girls, and I know I need to add more depth to the characters in these early stages.

The characters will develop as the story unfolds, but I do see that I need to add more description to them in the beginning chapters. Stating the colour of their hair, and stating that they look amazing isn't quite enough!

I think most women will go through similar events at some point in their lives, and as these three friends' lives are so intertwined, I think that this is apt, although I may change somethings yet, am still re-reading, editing, etc etc etc!

With this being a "chick lit", I hope most women will be able to empathise with these girls, especially those who were in their teens or even early 30's in the 90's, and will be able to relate to the characters and their emotions.

I'll be including Euro '96 of course (must read up on stats!) as two of the girls are avid football fans (yet to entail). There will be many more calamities and humour, and I am drawing from my own life experiences. Luckily I have more than a few dizzy friends on whom to base the characters on, but don't tell them I said that!!

Yes, a footballer who appears on TV (though only when he's playing) would go to a bar where the drinks are BOGOF...I know, I was there!

Thanks again for your comments, they help me and give me the feedback I need in order to become better!

Good Luck to you too,
Hannah x

Hi I've read four chapters and am a bit puzzled as to where the story is going. I feel you have a good basis for a storyline with three different characters but they all seem pretty similar and they all seem to have the same problems. I'll carry on reading as it has a nice flow to it and does remind me of my summer back in 96, well the music and I'll add it to my watchlist so I can read more when you upload it. Just one thing though, would a footballer who is on tv really be in a bar where they sell BOGOF drinks? If so, can you tell me which ha ha.Look forward to reading the rest and good luck. Hayley