Lurking in the Shadows

I am reading Cornwall's Scarpetta Factor right now and your novel reminded me of her style. Are you in the medical field? You write with such authority. Liked the opening dialogue-have had the same conversations about real estate too. Great lead up on the creepy photos. Makes me want to read more. Nice job and good luck.
Dina of The Last Degree and Halo of the Damned

I love your first two sentences. They create an immediate sense of tension. The following sentences maintain that tension well. The short, polished, staccato sentences make for an exciting writing style. Nice job gripping your readers attention right away. And what a way to end the prologue! Now I need to know what happens. I'm not usually a fan of prologues, but yours is so powerfully written and to-the-point that I loved it.

Once into chapter one, I love the exchange between Stephani and Richard. There's good chemistry between them, and there's some solid characterization as they chat. Stephani is uptight and serious but likeable nonetheless. I'm always intrigued by this type of character. She's someone I could spend a few hundred pages with. And Richard's protectiveness makes him immediately relatable.

The envelope with the two photographs hooked me again. There's obviously something fishy about them that is being withheld from the reader for now. Curious. I was right there with Stephani, mentally begging Richard to bugger off so she could look at the photographs again.

"My Princess. My one and only love" gave me chills. Creepy!

I'm impressed with how polished and tightly written this is. It flows smoothly, and I had virtually no problems with the narrative. I eventually got swept away by your story and ability to write that I stopped taking notes. You're definitely talented.

The fact you write from the creeper's perspective in chapter two is fascinating. Nice way to keep your reader hooked!

Suggestions: This is already so well done, I had very few suggestions. How about "Her back ached" instead of "her back was aching"? Is it possible to end with a stronger hook at the end of chapter one? Almost everything else about this opening is outstanding, so I felt the ending of the chapter was a little underwhelming.

Typos: You're missing an end quote in "I'll go." "Half-finished" should be hyphenated since it's two words serving as one adjective. "She" should be lower-case in "Mm," she shrugged. Should be: "iPhone."

This is an outstanding start. If I didn't have other things to do today, I would still be reading. I would love to know when this is published so I can buy a copy. Highly rated and recommended!

Dear Olga --

We probably cannot add much to the crits or comments you've received at this point, so we'll just tell you that we like the contrast between the ordinary -- as when Pud is worrying about the frozen pizzas -- and the horrific -- the fact that he's just killed that poor girl and stolen her hair clip as a trophy. You manage this throughout (even in chapter 1 when Stephani keeps fumbling with the slides), and it's these small details that help bring your characters and their world to life. Pleased to back this excellent thriller. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Driven to the very edge of torment and suffering are the common bonds which seen to glue the stalker and the victim together in this riveting spellbinding thriller. The tension is almost palpable from the different perspectives, and we have nothing to celebrate with regard Stephani being almost totally unaware that the misfortune and tragedy surrounding her, is far from her own doing. Even the cops are suspicious she killed her own child and husband.
Great story backed with pleasure.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

I can certainly see why this was nominated for a Campanella award. It is absolutely riveting. Your premise is most intriguing. I'm not usually a fan of first person being used in pitches but this works very well. I found your prologue both enigmatic and gripping and reading your first three chapters I can see that there is nothing I could say to improve this. It is highly polished and reminded me of 'Tell No One' by Harlen Coben. A great thriller, in my opinion. There is some thing about your descriptions that I just love - 'wet stained fabric under her armpits'. i am sorry I can't offer anything more constructive than praise but i really do think this top notch stuff.
Carl
The Time Hunters

The short prologue is perfect. It allows for a more relaxed opening where you can introduce your protagonist. The pacing throughout is excellent, the text reads clean and avoids the melodrama often common in this type of story. There may be a little too casualness in the protagonists response for some readers, but I thought it was a appropriate. I liked the subtle foreshadowing with the eagle hunting the lizard.
The scenes from the pov of the antagonist were particularly creepy. I even liked the short blurbs that jump to his point of view. There is a distinct feeling emerging here of two storys coming to a head. I'm curious about the protagonists response to this stalker. Will she fight back? Will she seek revenge when she learns the truth of her husband and son's death? I will say that this might be a better story if Stephani had more to lose. It's one thing to worry about her own safety, but another to also worry about a child's safety. I guess I'm imagining a scenario where the son lives through the accident in some form. This might create more sympathy for Stephanie as she is forced to work and care for her injured son. Plus it leaves another thing in her life that could be taken away from her.

Hi Olga,
this is lovely stuff, beautfiully paced and an intriguing idea which will scare the living daylights out of most of my Mummy friends so much so that they will buy the book and devour it in a day!!

Don't know if you're still looking for feedback, but I thought I would have a go anyway.

The three chapters I read are accomplished and assured. There is good balance here, the dialogue doesn't take over (although there is quite a lot of it) because it is snappy and there is enough description interspersed to break it up. Love the mad relationship between the Pud and his mother. Brilliantly drawn.
My only niggle was with your long pitch. I don't like the "Imagine you are..." it sounds a little too chatty or teacher-like and in conjuction with all the questions that follow it reads a bit like an interrogation! I think it would be better to start with "A successful scientist is trying to get over the loss of a ... but she is plagued by..." and take out some of the questions. Also the "This is my story" bit at the end is a little confusing. It isn't a memoir and if you have some sections from Pud's POV then it's not "your" story really. It gives the impression that the reader is about to read some kind of celebrity memoir of what it's like to be stalked!! And your book is so much better than that!!
I have given you 5 stars and I'm seriously considering 6!! Will have a think.
All the best,
Sharda.
If you have time, please cast your eyes over mine... no pressure.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

Hello Olga,
Came to this from the title and the intriguing LP.
The prologue is excellent, tension delivered immediately and the reader is right there on his shoulder.
The first chapter is more leisurely, an evolving feel to it-character, BS and romantic tension handled deftly.
Where I would suggest improvements-
menacing shadows, soft...glow, trembled with excitement, Jesus x2, disgusting nervous sweat.
These parts are either a little too wordy or weak and interrupt the flow, which is otherwise excellent.
High stars from me and on my WL.
What are your plans with this?
Regards from here,
John
Dropping Babies.

Lurking in the Shadows. An evocative title, and a sinister cover. I'm not sure that all those questions in the long pitch work, though. It is a bit jerky. Perhaps if you gave a smooth outline of the plot, and include some emotion and suspense, it would serve as a more effective lure... But that's only my opinion.

I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I tend to notice nits - hope you dont mind.

Ch.1. Prologue. Would it be a more striking opening if you omitted that first sentence? And dont you mean 'as if on cue'?
There are rather a lot of 'he's - easily remedied: '... he cursed silently, pausing in his stride.'
An atmospheric episode, charged with tension.

Ch.1. It's best to seach and delete unnecessary words which spoil the flow, like 'always'.
And beware of repeated meanings: do you really need to say the coffee is both forgotten and half-finished?
The back-story and Stephanie's attraction to Richard is well shown through her observations and the dialogue. Good technique.
That statement 'It doesnt make any sense,' would be stronger without the 'any' - wouldnt it?

The tension and fear are growing palpably - and then you insert this gem of a sentence to ease the strain: 'A typical answer from someone who still lived with his mother and wore pants up to his waist with two pleats on each side.' Brilliant.

Ch.2. 'Her voice was like metal scratching on glass.' Great words.
Living with his mother ... do I have an inkling who he is this early in the story? I wonder -

Ch.3. More back-story, seamlessly introduced in dialogue as the reader learns more about Stephanie and her family.
And the scenes shift between the two MCs with ever so slightly increasing swiftness.
You build the tension and suspense well. But I'm beginning to wonder if you're prolonging the dialogue a tiny bit too much.

Chs. 4-7. Another dimension, and I cant stop reading.
Sometimes, I wonder if parts of the dialogue are a little too prolonged and unnecessary - like the exchanges in the lab.

Ch.7. I can identify with Stephanie's reaction to the gym, and smile at Jenee's insistence.
Another sinister bit of back-story ... is there a connection between the deaths of her family, and the stalker... and are there two stalkers...
A macabre conclusion.

I've read every word.
No wonder you did well in that competition. You are a masterful story teller.
Looking forward to your take on mine!

Jane (Breath of Africa)

HI Olga
My daughter read some of your book, and she aked me to put it on my WL and rate it highly, both of which I've done. I wondered if in return you could have a look at my Tales for Children.
Thanks in advance
Brian.

Hey Olga,
I think you have a great novel here. The prologue is intense and urged me to keep reading, as well as setting the stage for when she discovers the pictures to give a sensation of malice. Your voice is exciting and the dialogue is good. It does seem more formal at times, but that is to be expected when having highly educated characters. I especially like your detailed descriptions and the use of medical terminology.
I would definately buy this, if given the opportunity.
High stars and backed when I can :)
Brittanee
- Sinful

Crime fiction, so very much in my own genre, and this is a such a strong offering. I first read this some time back and on returning am amazed it hasn't yet gone on to great success as there is so much to admire here. A really strong cover and title combination work perfectly and I'm struggling to remember a more atmospheric feeling in anything I've read lately. Olga, you have written a crime thriller with a real edge to it, well paced and delightfully observed with just the right amount of 'creepiness' dotted around to keep the reader wondering what's coming next and plenty of well researched technical detail. On my shelf.
Jake.

Olga,

I always caveat my reviews with the fact that I am not a professional so take my comments with a grain of salt. Also, grammar is not forte so I usually don't comment on that either.

First, I want to say that you do a great job of drawing the reader into the story immediately. You do a great job of painting a picture of a really creepy guy and a very tense situation. I like how you write the long pitch putting the reading in the MC character's shoes. You might want to check your sentence "Photos that were taken secretly while you wen about enjoying an outing in the park with your neice?" -- this isn't a complete sentence nor is it a question. I know you are trying to tie it to the question before, but it doesn't stand on its own as a setence.

One of the things I noticed is that some spots the dialog isn't very natural. For instance in the first Chapter she says, "I should be buying a house as there are many bargains." This doesn't seem to be the way that people would talk. They would say something like, "There a lot of great deals out there and I should be buying..." not trying to rewrite, but just giving an example. Just give a quick read through and make sure that your dialog has a natural flow. Another thing I caught is that you change the spelling of Stephani's name. You switch between Stephani and Stephanie.

This is very good. I will read more later. I hope these comments helped.

I read on into Ch 3. I love how you continue to drive this through dialogue. Everything I know about your characters is given to me through this method. I like this, however be cognizant that some may not. This seems to be your writing style though and it works well for you. Your voice is heard and the prose flows seamlessly off the page. I'm glad I was able to come back for just a little bit more....now I'm wondering how this "report" is going to go....

Best,

Ashley
'Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket'

I love the prologue! It makes me want to read more. I like that you put it in the same document as Chapter 1 though, so that everything matches up. This is normally outside of my comfort zone reading(I usually read Fantasy), but this is really engaging and had me glued to the computer screen! I am giving you high stars and will be back for more. I'll be back to see what happens to Stephani next...

Best,

Ashley
'Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket'

This is so well written. I love the addition of the prologue, it builds up so much tension and suspense and mystery before we get into the story, building up the atmosphere for what the reader expects. Particularly after reading your pitch, it actually frightened me. You continue with this theme of tension, getting straight into it and not bothering with mundane details. The use of terminology to do with their scientific work really brings it to life and I can really picture the entire location and the scene. I think the dialogue is excellent, natural and real and I think you really create this creepy atmosphere and the reader can empathise with Stephani and how she feels the moment she sees those photographs.

I will definitely be reading on.

Faina

Lurking In the Shadows.
By Olga Segal.

This is a very good thriller from the word go!
The first chapter makes the book a contagious; riveting read …I never stopped reading throughout although I had important things to do.
This to me is a classic thriller with all the twists and turns that go with it.
Lots of tension for the reader makes it hard to put down and the description is so vivid.
I did notice a couple of things even though I was absorbed in the storyline, they are nothing much and not meant to be critical…this is a great book!!
Check the following sentence (the). Also the 38 hours shouldn’t it be without the numerical format, should read :- thirty eight?
…”I have almost finished loading the incubator, and wanted to check you still want I should set (the ) for 38 hours?”…
…The second telling made it all the more shocking… I would say – Explaining a second time made it all the more shocking.
…”Now listen, boy. I raised you on my own. You don’t know what that was like.” “Don’t talk about that ever again!”…
There are two different speeches here, the second speech looks like it belongs to Pud…is it?
You are an excellent writer and I can see why you’ve done so well in the past.
Top stars and on my shelf!!

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

Olga,

I'm going outside my usual genre, but not into something I'm a complete stranger to. This sets up the feeling for a gripping, dark thriller. The prologue is short and hints at many things, leaving us with unanswered questions. Then the opening chapter has a brighter feel to it, at first, with a normal day at work containing something unusual. Of course, we know better than the characters that something bad is only just beginning. Then chapter two. This is a very good chapter, instantly creating the image of a sociopath. The way you describe his house and show us his relationship with his mother is wonderful in its gritty, harsh style.

I don't have much criticism, and what I do have mostly focuses on the dialogue in the first chapter. At times I felt it read somewhat awkwardly, sounding in my mind like those tv adverts that are intended to simulate reality but don't. It isn't all the time, pretty much only where the dialogue is a bit lengthier. There was also one bit that read as if it had been edited but some words had been left in. I must stress it is just the first chapter though; the second had no such issues, and the other aspects of your writing are pretty solid throughout.

D M Sharples.

I am reading Cornwall's Scarpetta Factor right now and your novel reminded me of her style. Are you in the medical field? You write with such authority. Liked the opening dialogue-have had the same conversations about real estate too. Great lead up on the creepy photos. Makes me want to read more. Nice job and good luck.
Dina of The Last Degree and Halo of the Damned

Lurking in the Shadows - Wow! Judging by your pitch alone, Olga, I’d buy this book. The pitch is terrific!
But let’s get down to some reading. The Prologue vividly shows your passion for writing. I’m totally immersed into the story and see the images you paint.
Chapter 1 is written extremely well. I love the dialogues and the way Stephanie gets more and more scared – this makes her believable. I can’t help feeling sorry for her.
Chapter 2 - Wow! The opening paragraph of the chapter is about the man who takes pictures of Stephanie – that I didn’t expect.
- Her voice was like metal scratching on glass. [I love this sentence!];
- What a relationship between mother and son! Shocking! Well, this definitely deserves 6 stars. I also hope to back it next month when there’s room on my shelf.

Ivan Amberlake
The Beholder

I love your first two sentences. They create an immediate sense of tension. The following sentences maintain that tension well. The short, polished, staccato sentences make for an exciting writing style. Nice job gripping your readers attention right away. And what a way to end the prologue! Now I need to know what happens. I'm not usually a fan of prologues, but yours is so powerfully written and to-the-point that I loved it.

Once into chapter one, I love the exchange between Stephani and Richard. There's good chemistry between them, and there's some solid characterization as they chat. Stephani is uptight and serious but likeable nonetheless. I'm always intrigued by this type of character. She's someone I could spend a few hundred pages with. And Richard's protectiveness makes him immediately relatable.

The envelope with the two photographs hooked me again. There's obviously something fishy about them that is being withheld from the reader for now. Curious. I was right there with Stephani, mentally begging Richard to bugger off so she could look at the photographs again.

"My Princess. My one and only love" gave me chills. Creepy!

I'm impressed with how polished and tightly written this is. It flows smoothly, and I had virtually no problems with the narrative. I eventually got swept away by your story and ability to write that I stopped taking notes. You're definitely talented.

The fact you write from the creeper's perspective in chapter two is fascinating. Nice way to keep your reader hooked!

Suggestions: This is already so well done, I had very few suggestions. How about "Her back ached" instead of "her back was aching"? Is it possible to end with a stronger hook at the end of chapter one? Almost everything else about this opening is outstanding, so I felt the ending of the chapter was a little underwhelming.

Typos: You're missing an end quote in "I'll go." "Half-finished" should be hyphenated since it's two words serving as one adjective. "She" should be lower-case in "Mm," she shrugged. Should be: "iPhone."

This is an outstanding start. If I didn't have other things to do today, I would still be reading. I would love to know when this is published so I can buy a copy. Highly rated and recommended!

This is a cyclone of a read. I couldn’t put it down. Fascinating and terrifying, I found myself sweating and sitting on the edge of my seat. I am not always captivated by thrillers. It takes a great wordsmith and plot monger to keep my on my toes. You definitely achieved this. Princie Younger is an interesting name. I enjoyed the stalking sequence in Chapter 5. Your description of Stephanie through his eyes is sensual and unsettling. Chapter 8 is feverish . . . Many stars for a book with many facets. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

I read your prologue and first chapter.

General comments: A gripping start. A fascinating main character. Good deep point of view. Vivid descriptions. Excellent tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the prologue:
1) ' ... as the feeling of absolute power surged through him.' Try to avoid using the word 'feeling.' Just describe the feeling so vividly the reader will experience it along with him. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) "Who wants to make it while I sort through the mail," said Stephani. Replace the comma with a question mark.
2) "I'll go, said Nina ... Put a closing quote mark after 'go.'
3) "Any of that for me, doc?" Capitalize 'doc.' In this context, 'doc' is a proper noun and proper nouns are capitalized.
4) "Just teasing," he grinned. Period after 'teasing' and capitalize 'he.' The only time the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma is when it is followed by a dialogue tag (tells who said something). Since you can't 'grin' dialogue, 'he grinned' isn't a dialogue tag. Therefore the last sentence of dialogue should be punctuated with a period and 'he' should be capitalized.
5) 'Mm," She shrugged. Put a double quote mark before 'Mm' and a period after 'Mm.'
6) 'iphone' should be 'iPhone.'
7) Hyphenate 'five year old.'
8) ' ... what I should set the for 38 hours.' There seems to be a word missing after 'the.' Also, spell out numbers 1-99.
9) Hyphenate 'twenty two.'
10) ' ... to see if the lab needed any more, test tubes or other equipment ... ' Remove the comma after 'more.'
11) "Can you call me when the cops arrives?" 'Arrives' should be 'arrive.'

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important prologue and first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a stellar day.

Al

Olga Ive read most of this now and its a fascinating read. I havent read a thriller for a while but i like the stalker angle, it works well.

You have two compelling characters, both stalker and prey and we see their flaws right from the start. Chopping and changing chapters from one to the other, gives this a good speed and lets the reader jump between the characters well.

The dialogue is good, flows well couple of typos for you...

Chapter 1
The dialogue starting – I have almost finished loading the incubator - There seems to be words missing
Chapter 2
The dialogue starting – Now listen boy. You need to move the last bit of dialogue onto another line. It’s confusing and stopped me in my tracks. Had to re read a few times before it made sense that someone else was speaking

But really these are small things.

The main thing with a thriller is pace, story and speed and this has it in abundance. Once you start, you cant stop reading.

Best of luck with it
Clair

Olga,
I read the prologue and first chapter of Lurking in the Shadows. The element of suspense is present from the very beginning. This is an unusually creepy scenario and you convey Stephani's fear very well. This would cause anyone alarm to have a stranger send them photographs they took without consent. This thriller genre is one I'm less familiar with than others, but I can see you draw the reader of this type of fiction into the narrative very well as I could hear the characters speaking in my imagination and sense their alarm. It certainly is a page-turner as the reader is unaware of what danger is in store for Stephani and there is good reason for her to fear this unknown photographer.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

This is chilling. At first I thought the guy in the prologue was a robber, but after reading on I now know he murdered Stephani's husband and child. Stephani is a good character, someone that, although going through problems, appears like she would be a strong heroine, someone that will fight her crazy admirer with all she has. But your protagonist so far is what makes your story. He comes across as having been abused in the past, his sense of right and wrong warped by how his mother raised him and still treats him. The line that has him remembering how she treated him when he was naughty as a child is very telling. You didn't go into description here, which I felt was good, because the reader is able to interpret this pretty easily. Not only are the photos creepy, but his belief that his "Princess" will be coming to live with him, cooking his lovely apple pie and more, is delusional. This is interesting, but not as much as when he finds out his plans don't fit reality. This is the thriller aspect of things, what will he do, his reaction will most likely be violent, and how will Stephani get away from him.

You described his mother well, the water retention, her horrible attitude, smell, etc. She's vile, and partially reminds me of one of my characters, Aunt Trinia, who is also big, and is abusive towards her son.

I will continue reading when I get some more free time. All the best - Marita.

Hi Olga,
Well, I don't normally read books that put me into the mind of someone evil, but your writing is so good. Pace, rhythm, flow all great. Especially liked: He gloved up--how concise. Also, The soft flickering glow from a television seeped under the curtain. Excellent. And great last sentence for first chapter. Then in chapter two, the interchange between mother and Puddles was real, still with the magnetic pull you started with. Giving this six stars and placing it on my WL. Would love your thoughts on my first chapter or two. Walk to Paradise Garden, historical fiction.
Regards, John B Campbell

hi OLGA ' LURKING IN THE SHADOWS'
I had read chunks of this great thriller some months ago and backed I had no qualms about reading it again and giving it a proper six star rating, because that in my opinion is what it deserves. In fact, when published it will also be snapped up for the silver screen, it will make one gripping film,.
just read chapter 8 this time. You bring the reader into the thoughts of the killer after he takes the rope away and covers her up with the leaves and all the time shouting out and almost blaming his mother for his actions. you have a great way of getting into the mind of this killer and bringing it home to the reader.
good luck, it deserves to be higher in the ranking
TOM BYE ' FROM HUGS TO KISSES'

hi OLGA ' LURKING IN THE SHADOWS'
I had read chunks of this great thriller some months ago and backed I had no qualms about reading it again and giving it a proper six star rating, because that in my opinion is what it deserves. In fact, when published it will also be snapped up for the silver screen, it will make one gripping film,.
just read chapter 8 this time. You bring the reader into the thoughts of the killer after he takes the rope away and covers her up with the leaves and all the time shouting out and almost blaming his mother for his actions. you have a great way of getting into the mind of this killer and bringing it home to the reader.
good luck, it deserves to be higher in the ranking
TOM BYE ' FROM HUGS TO KISSES'

Dark and gripping from the get go. Confident prose, definitely publishable. My only niggle is that I'd like to see the pitch ramped up a bit. She keeps getting sent photos - disturbing but so what - I'd like the pitch to end with the promise of menace...

I was sold when I first read Stephani - the perfect mix of page-turning (or clicking) tension and elegant but crisp, clean narrative. Revisiting the first two chapters now brings back all the reasons I believe this story is a sure winner. Stephani is an ideal main character - a hard-working, rather normal woman at the outset, but layers are revealed in her as her dilemma unfolds. She is dealing with grief when the shock comes via an envelope (pink, no less - great touch) The subject is hot-contemporary, and it raises terror in readers because it feels all so true in this culture of stalkers. I loved the scientific details of her life - that establishes her authenticity, too. Because we relate and respect Stephani, we're vested in her well-being. I also loved introducing the nemesis up-front, even before we meet Stephani. I haven't seen that in many books, and it was very effective in opening with a chill, and the visual stays in the back of my mind as Stephani is introduced.
I wish the whole story was posted, but I'm confident I will be able to read it all when it's published.

Brava,
Lizzi
(Out of Sync)

Hi Olga,

A well written story. I really enjoyed it. Starred. Will put in my shelf soon

Joy

Dear Olga,

Tense well written prologue. It was distressing to read that a child was going to be a victim and the murderes reaction to seeing the child SHOWS what an evil person he is. It was also unexpected, so well done.

Chapter 1 tightens and slackens the tension very well. The photos set up something sinister, but neither the readers or the victim knows what.

This will go on my shelf as soon as I get a space. On my WL till then.

Best wishes, Joanna

Great opening chapter, filled with tension and suspense. The prologue and the sabotage of the brake lines was a nice touch, offering a sinister overtone to what follows. I like the photo mystery. I can't think of anything more creepy than receiving photos of yourself and the ones you love from someone you don't know. Good dialogue and narrative, and you have some wonderful descriptive tidbits in there that make your story flow very well. Many stars!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Hello Ms Segal, I like the detail your story has, it has stuff almost like you are reading the book with a microscope. Also i like the way to portray people's thoughts, putting complex thoughts of your characters onto paper. I also understand that this is a true story... your story, so who better to narrate it than you. I sorry to hear about you loss, may God be with you & protect you all the days of your life & may you know of the love He has shown us through His Son Jesus.

Hello Ms Segal, I like the detail your story has, it has stuff almost like you are reading the book with a microscope. Also i like the way to portray people's thoughts, putting complex thoughts of your characters onto paper. I even like the culture and dialogue. I also understand that this is a true story... your story, so who better to narrate it than you. I sorry to hear about you loss, may God be with you & protect you all the days of your life & may you know of the love He has shown us through His Son Jesus.

Hello Ms Segal, I like the detail your story has, it has stuff almost like you are reading the book with a microscope. Also i like the way to portray people's thoughts, putting complex thoughts of your characters onto paper. I also understand that this is a true story... your story, so who better to narrate it than you. I sorry to hear about you loss, may God be with you & protect you all the days of your life & may you know of the love He has shown us through His Son Jesus.

Hello Ms Segal, I like the detail your story has, it has stuff almost like you are reading the book with a microscope. Also i like the way to portray people's thoughts, putting complex thoughts of your characters onto paper. I also understand that this is a true story... your story, so who better to narrate it than you. I sorry to hear about you loss, may God be with you & protect you all the days of your life & may you know of the love He has shown us through His Son Jesus.

There a nice vignettes of disparate characters and the stiry is building up well. If I have a criticism it is of frquent changes of scene . This is one of those books which is on the way there. I feel you are accomplished but perhaps need to simplify things a little for this dumb reader.

I really like this, Olga. This is just the type of thriller I love and reminds me of my own work! The plot is exciting because it is believable and, after reading the prologue and first chapter, I definitely want to continue. I just think it needs one final read through and edit to tighten the remaining niggly bits. For example, ensuring every bit of dialogue sounds natural. I also prefer 'Nina said' instead of 'said Nina' - I read once that editors find the latter a little old-fashioned, but I guess that's a question of preference! Also, you need to capitalize the name 'Lantha' - easy missed, but shows the manuscript needs one more run through.
Overall great work and I'd buy this in its published form - backed!

Your writing is tight and easily accessible to the reader. You work POV's well, not throwing the story at the reader but rather allowing it to unfold as we get to know the characters (my favorite kind of book to settle in for). Also, I noticed some wonderful selections of word. Such as "He killed the light." Smart word choice there. Dialogue is strong and natural, and even your punctuation is in order. I'm impressed--this reads like a published book.
On my shelf.

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

HELLO OLGA 'LURKING IN THE SHADOWS'

I have read chunks of your book and find it to be a compelling and intriguing crime mystery
even from the opening sequince in my mind i can see it on film, suspense is automatic as i read it ,
perfect holida;y read as it moves along a nice pace.
backed with pleasure
TOM BYE ' FROM HUGS TO KISSES'
PLease read mine and back if you like it thanks

The pitch was good. You have so many comments I doubt I could add anything constructive. I read part of your book and my only comment is, your writing and the story is excellent. For this alone your book deserves to be backed. It's on my shelf.
All the best.

The pitch was good. You have so many comments I doubt I could add anything constructive. I read part of your book and my only comment is, your writing and the story is excellent. For this alone your book deserves to be backed. It's on my shelf.
All the best.

Olga, this started with a gripping opening and grew with an excellant pace. You have such a powerful way of writing that makes this thriller a real page turner and a engrossing read.
Wishing you every success.
Jane.

This is a movie. If I might venture you give too much away in the pitch - perhaps imply that the she might lose her loved ones, so the reader reads on. And on. Also be aware of double adjectives the editors hate them , long blonde hair, swaety disgusting etc I was told out of every three adverbs, lose two... hmm... not so easy when on feels evrything is a nugget! LOL BWP THE TAILS OF WILLIE GUSTY

Hi Olga

What a chilling premise! And your characters are so natural and the lab setting so normal and safe, it makes the stalker-thing all the more unnerving. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Nice story going into Chapter 1. Your writing is professional and except for a few spots I would punctuate I have no nits.

Backed you on this.

Thank you for sharing.

Autumn Rosen

The Prologue was pretty good. Just pulled me right in. Then the chap one was also gripping and one can't but feel for Stephani and read on to find out what happens to her and how it all ends. There were a few instances where a dialougue falls a bit flat. E.g. when Richard explains if the stalker was interested only in her, he wouldn't be taking pictures of her niece. and then again at the very end where she says she'd terminate her meeting when the cops show up. I also found the info about Fred and Melissa a bit of info dump presented the way it is, instead of woven into the story. But those are all easily fixed things all in all one great book.
BACKED

Zrinka (Rose of Crimson)

Most definatelly one gripping story. Instantlly, one feels for Stephani and wants to find out what happens next and how it all ends. Great choice of words and development of the characters. There were a few small instances where the dialogue kind of feels unnatural E.g. "If it was you, then don't you think they'd only have taken the shots of you?" This sentence slows the pace down. I guess you wanted to say If the stalker is interested only in her he wouldn't take any pictures of her niece. Also the very last sentence "I'll only be downstairs and I'll terminate my meeting when they turn up." Maybe she was a stiff scientist but even they have some personallity, having her talk like that makes her feel like she's married to her job. I also found a bit of info dump about Mellissa and Fred, you can always sneak that info about them bit by bit through the chapter. But this is all easily fixed and all in all excellent piece. BACKED

Olga
I've read everythng you posted. I took nitpicky notes as I read, so here they are incase they are of benefit:
* In chapter 1 she says to Fred, "What makes you think that?" this doesn't follow naturally since she's just asked another question.

* Chapter 2 - good character development of Puddle. Not sure about the ending. It felt flat.

* Chapter 3 - "dad" should be capitalized.

* Chapter 5 - single speech marks used instead of double. Is Princie, Pud? I'm a little confused although I note Pud calls the girl Princess. I think this should be clearer if teh same antagonist.

* Chapter 7 - does this chapter propel the story forward?

Re the last point, I felt that the excerpts with Stephanie's ordinary life are very realistic and detailed, but only works later if it's moving the story on or giving us some tension.
I loved chapter 1, which pulled me into your story. It was intriguing and scary. The characterization of your MC and Pud are good and I liked the flash in her mind in chapter 4.
In places I found the dialogue unnatural. For example in chapter 1 Fred says "You aren't waiting here?" I thought he'd say "What? You're not staying?" Her response seems a little wooden: "I'll only be downstairs and I'll terminate my meeting when they turn up." - the combination of "terminate" and "turn up" jarred and I'm not sure se'd say terminate. Perhaps something like, "I'll just be in a meeting downstairs. I'll end it as soon as they get here."
Chapter endings. Sometimes they can be corny but modern thrillers make you want to turn the page or to the next chapter. I think focusing on this will help your work immensely. It might also help in the area of tension and progression of a chapter.
This work has great potential, but to go from second place in a competition to a commercial success requires some work imho.
Sorry to sound harsh, there's plenty of good stuff here, but praising you won't progress your writing. Good luck with this.
Murray (Suspicion)

Excellent! Backing with pleasure!

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly

Ominous opening. The writing's clear and vivid. The dialogue feels real.

Backed with pleasure. :)

Pete

Olga
Good pace. I read a lot of thrillers and I liked this. Read to end of chap one and enjoyed it.
little nitpick - the line - What an ideal night, he thought, for the perfect crime. - You've just told us what he's about to do. Just what an ideal night would be enough, I think. just my opinion obviously.
Backed, good luck
Charlie

Dear Olga, sorry for the delay i had to sort some home stuff out, I wasnt being ignorant!

I really like the high octane style of your writing, I cant find any criticism, I like the pace of it!

I wish you the best of luck and thank you for supporting my book!

Ant-hillel (IUDEA CAPTA)