Prides Crossing

Dear Edith, I love your intriguing story - it could be really scarey if I were there - glad I'm not. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

I adore the gritty, family history gone wrong feel to this. There is something compelling about the skeleton in hte closet hook, and it drags the reader in effortlessly.
Backed with pleasure!

Abi xxx

This is a good story. Every family has secrets so you've created an intriguing plot by having the bones show up on Hal's property. Giving him a cognitively challenged sister makes him an exceptionally sympathetic character, the kind you want to follow to the end to see if this can possibly have a good ending. Makes it a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

This is a really good start to a detective story. You have introduced a number of features, like Jenny's difference, the main character's strange ability, Mean Arnie's awfulness, that will give it plenty of variety.

I like the horse bones mixed with the human - wish I'd thought of something like that.

Backed with pleasure.

Cheers
Elaine
(Long Lying Below)

Backed January 27.

Jesse - Savant

BACKED

I get very little from comments about my own book, nowadays. Some people like it, some don't. Some people are too frightened to leave genuine feedback, while others seek to enforce their own style upon me. I want to get to the Ed's Desk to get professional comment. I would rather spend 30 quid than do all this reading and backing. I have got everything I want out of Authonomy community already. So I am backing your book so that you can reach the Ed's desk and get professional feedback, instead of the platitudes and devious backings that account for 80% of backing you receive. Only 20% of comments are genuine, and will add value to your work.

Now, who am I not to back you? I am not godlike. Your work might be flatly written, unoriginal or even down right bad. It could be wonderful. But in my experience, only you can be honest with yourself about your writing... and that is what matters.

So, I am backing you so you can reach the Ed's desk.


There you are.

BACKED
Hope you reciprocate.

Hi Edith. This is good. Surprised I haven't heard about it on the forums. A suggestion - I'd beef up the pitch just a hair. A little more showmanship, so to speak, in it. This is a good book and should be rising faster. I like the italicized 'thoughts' interspersed in the narrative and dialog. It helps define the characters outlook as to what's going on. I do that a lot myself. Got through chapter 4. skimmed 5. (I think 'well-being' is hyphenated) It's developing well and the backgrounds are being brought up nicely helping to set up the story. Excellent writing by the way. I can see this ranking well very soon. Best of luck with it. On my shelf.

Hi Edie,

I think I promised a loooooooooong time ago that i would give your book a whirl and I'm really glad I did, it's really well written, good mix of intrigue, mystery, family secrets all that kind of good stuff. Excellent cliffhanger at the end of the first chapter as well. Just flat out enjoyed it - wished there was more. Backed.

Selah,
Edd

Edith
Killer pitch (pun intended).
To keep you on your toes I thought I’d read some random chapters.
Ch7: It is immediately clear who the story is following and I am engaged straight away. This is a nostalgic, reflective chapter where you get over some back story. It works for me!
Ch12: As soon as I read the first sentence I realised I’d made a good choice. And this is an intriguing investigation that’s going on. Where is the window? And what a great ending!
Ch13: Grandma is great. And Yes! (I’m clapping right now) I like this - a lot.

I would buy this book. You got me and I’ll be back for more.
Shelved with my best wishes
David
Green Ore

Hi Edie,
I have now read the first three chapters and I must tell you that I enjoy your book very much. You write very well and I like your way of mixing the present with the flashbacks. The story is also intriguing. Good luck with this book, which I am now putting on my shelf.
Nillan
Blue-eyed in Luhya-land

Hi Edie,

Just read the first chapter and have found it captivating. A couple of nit picks - you write:

'Lieutenant Baynes choose not to answer' - should be chose
'A quick glaned completed Lieutenant Baynes' examination' - should be glance

Anyway, those out of the way (there may be more and the odd comma needs to be employed - my own needs a thorough proof read also and I miss out comma's all over the place) I like your style of writing but have to be honest find the pace a little awkward at times. I guess its all a question of taste but I personally find long descriptive sentances difficult (I'm a very impatient reader though!) and for me personally your text is quite lengthy in its descriptions sometimes - e.g. the paragraph beginning 'I held back what little I learned ...'

This is, of course, only one persons opinion (and probably not a very representative one at that) but for what its worth ....

I will be reading the next chapter as I am intrigued so the first must have grabbed me :)

Regards

Martyn

Hi Edie,

I thououghly enjoyed this. Your dialogue is so smooth it glosses over long explanations, such as the bees, making telling, teaching. That really added to the relationship with Grandpa. Very moving. And his relationship with his sister--wonderful. You know how to set a scene and hold onto it.

My only niggles are with the way you enter backstory. Not sure it needs its own sections--can it be woven into the story so there aren't such abrupt changes? Flashbacks are very hard to do but when done right, they're seamless, sliding the reader in and out with barely a notice.

I also thought the police officers weren't abrupt enough. They had questions and they did ask them but what they asked, seemed very abstract. It seemed a little too casual considering they knew they could be investigating a murder.

But backed without question. This is an excellent read. ~Barb (Whispers through the Aspens)

Wow! This is great! What a way to start your book!! I can see me buying this IMMEDIATELY off the store shelf!!
And now... I shelve it.
Great characterization and intrigue to start. I can't wait to read more!!
Tammy
The Chimney Still Stands

Hi Edie,
I've read the first three chapters and found them excellent. I think this is the first old fashioned murder mystery I've read on Authonomy and it's been a pleasure. I shall put it up for a spin on my shelf.

I did wonder when you had set this. I thought it was contemporary until the phone call for the Lieutenant moved it back twenty years. Perhaps you should tell us somewhere?

Cheers

John

Hi Edith

This is very well written and the reader can see that a murder has been committed early on. For people who like murder mysteries, I'm sure the first chapter would encourage tehm to buy the book.

Happy to back.

Tony

I am here in regards to our agreed upon swap.

I like the way the story starts - it grabbed me. That's the good news.

The bad news is that you start way too may paragraphs with Lt. Baynes name. Mix it up, try something new. be conscious about how you start your paragraphs.

In the 2nd and 3rd chapters, break down those bigger paragraphs. Pacing in this genre is everything.

Since this is first person, be HIGHLY conscious of 'I'. Nothing kills a novel like excessive 'I'.

Lastly, redo both your pitches - your writing is far better than those pitches; check out mine as guidance.

Thank you for your backing; I SHELVED you yesterday. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Promising to be a good read.The opening was tight, and pulled me in, but then I was stopped in my tracks by the start at of Ch 2. The concept is good, but the jump from police interview to reminiscing about the past was too abrupt for me.I think you might want to look at this again.On W/L

An enjoyable mystery. I liked the way the past weaved into the police interviews, and the story unfolds almost in two layers - to us and to the policeman. The sense of mystery is well handled, and as more members of this family enter the story it can only get more interesting. Shelved.

Pride's Crossing...

Again, c.3., same structural problem. I'm not saying I'm 100% sure about this--I'm never 100% sure about anything when it comes to writing fiction--and you might want to solicit more opinions, plus check out Scene and Structure by Jack W. Bickham, too. It's difficult for me to be objective since I'm loving your backstories--I'm torn--but I do think you should examine this issue carefully.

Anyway, I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying this story...a lot. Maybe it's because there are so few mysteries on authonomy, and I do so love a good mystery. This one's like a breath of fresh air because of the premise, your pitch and your characterizations. Bravo.

Shelved enthusiastically.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (I think you might already have read and backed my novel, but if you haven't, I'd love your feedback. I'm sooo close to the Editor's Desk and I want the novel to be the best it can be before it gets there.)

Pride's Crossing...

The only suggestion I have re: c.2 is a structural one. I would weave the backstory at the beginning into various scenes. The reason? Think about it: would she have time to remember all that in the middle of a police interview? Doubtful. And if there's this type of structural issue in your first three chapters, the agent will assume even more later and won't ask for a full (sorry to be so blunt, but I love this story and your writing and I want this novel published!!!)

Reading on...

Pride's Crossing...

Well, I know already I'm going to back this, based solely on the c.1, but I'll be reading two more chapters anyway.

I love a good mystery and this is going to be great one, I can tell.

Only one nit: almost always avoid adverbs...according to Noah Lukeman, an agent, adverbs result in rejection (The First Five Pages.)

Reading on...

HEllo Edith,

You write a beautiful story. Descriptions which take the reader into the other person's feelings. How you derscibe the difference between Jenny and Hal's worlds is so strong. You make that impossible leap and you did it well.

there's quite a bit of editing and tightening which can be done - but I'm sure you're on it. Like: you've told us they're 4, 6 and 8 respectively, so you don't have to tell us again a few paragraphs later that Arnie is 2 years older.

I enjoyed your book
Shelved with thanks
Noony

I am captivated and was drawn in by your fluid style.

I haven't time to read as much as I would like and this is the reason it goes on my shelf.

Jo xx

Spoilt, Fire Starter and Charlottesville

yes, I will, but it might be a while before I am able to, as I have quite a few others on the go at present! On my W/L meantime!

unearthed skeletons, family secrets, missing relatives, visionary sister, recurring nightmares... all the makings of an intriguing crime story

i am giving this a turn on my rotating shelf and wish you well with it

freddie
("honour")

The idea here is very good and captivating. There is nothing like a buried body to create tension. I wasn't sure however about the way you fall into it. I think I wanted more of a set up before this first chapter; perhaps some background about some of the characters, so that just when we are feeling comfortable with them all it is all overturned. I am shelving even with all my doubts as I think your premise is great.
Hilary Waters (the Piazza)

Hi Edie,

I read this but just don't have the same passion for it as I have for 'Second Son'. Your narrative is good and you dialogue very good... but I just didn't have the verve to read on as I did with your other novel. Perhaps because this just isn't my kind of thing... the last book I read involving long lost bones buried was 'The Virgin Blue' and while I loved the flashbacks of that book, the rest I just didn't like.

I think your strength is your characterisations. You do an astounding job of drawing up and bringing the readers towards your characters... but your plotline, by comparison, just isn't as strong. For one thing, in the opening sections, the investigating officer just didn't seem realistic. And his lack of realism than impacted on the other characters in that scene.

I have to say, I think you do a better job of writing women than you do men. In 'Second Son' I immediately clicked with your heroine. But in this, I never warmed to Hal.

I'm still doing an indepth crit of what you have sent me of 'Second Son', and I promise to have that to you soon.

Best wishes,

L.x

I found this first chapter a little hard to follow, I thought the inner voice of you MC was a little bit leading and hard to separate from the rest of the action. The last two sentence of this first chapter make no sense to me. "my sister Jenny's man with no face?" Who is Jenny? And is she buried under the foundation?

Some people live their lives free of guilt and worry. I am not one of those people. I have only read the first chapter but I will return for more. Withing the first few sentences it felt like me facing the police and not Hal. Your style is easy to fall into and I, if rather uncomfortably, fell into line with the main character. A promising start indeed! More to follow my man! Pete

This held my attention, and I read the first five chapters in a sitting. It's a thoughtful, complex story, not just a crime story but a portrait of a complicated family with secrets that go back generations. I like the focus on characters, and things like the beekeeping, which give the book an individual feel.

A few nitpicks:
- I'd have liked to know Hal's age earlier. We're several chapters in before we learn it.
- I didn't understand why Hal was puzzled over his grandfather's resemblance to the old man's Fairchild grandfather. It's not uncommon for a person to take after one side of the family more than another, and I don't think small boys generally take much notice of family resemblances. I can see that you're hinting at something "not quite right" about this aspect of family history, but I would have liked a stronger reason for Hal to suspect this.
- Chaper 1, the sentence with "I let him have it" is missing its closing quotes.
- Chapter 3:
"enough water evaporates and its honey" - should be "it's"
"its all part of a plan" - should be "it's"
"to write abut" - should be "about
Chapter 5 - "inherited he farm" - should be "the"

This seems set to be an intriguing story.

Shelved.

Hi Edith

I enjoyed your work, but I do have one concrete suggestion to make. There is an excellent book "How Not to Write a Novel" by Sandra Newman & Howard Mittelmark. Your novel depends a great deal on interior monologue and this book devotes Chapter 12 to some of the pitfalls of this approach. I urge you to read this particular chapter to make sure that you don't make any of the mistakes outlined there. The rest of the book is brilliant, and I'm sure looking at it would be well worth your time.

I'm not getting any money from either of the writers! I simply offer this suggestion in order to help.

Keep on writing.

Alexander French

Edith - This gripped me straight away; nice, clean uncluttered writing (i.e not drowned in a sea of literary aspiration). Seems to have the makings of a good old-fashioned yarn, which I shall enjoy reading. Backed.

Incidentally, thank you very much for spotlighting some of the grammatical'/punctuation mishaps in 'Portrait of Ginevra'. I'm afraid I tend to be pretty careless in this respect so I very much appreciate you 'taking the liberty' of correcting the text. These have now been attended to - but I'm sure there are others!

By the way, it's always particularly pleasing when someone like yourself - a non-fan of short stories - likes what you've written

Mark

Admittedly I have a bit of a soft spot for first person narrative - mainly because I get a certain voice sound coupled with inflection resulting in having the book actually read to me by myself. How about that, [psychologically?].
Anyway Edith this is now your second offering on authonomy and it is deservedly doing well. Every good luck.

Prides Crossing-
Edith,
Great start, loved the opening chapter...well developed characters who show instead of tell.
I love the quote: Unreasoning guilt isn't new to me.
And the last line face to face with a reality I didnt' want to accept.
I wish I had more time to read...
Good job and good luck.
Shelved.
If you have a minute and are interested, I have a YA novel I'd love your opinion on -
Riley's Gift
~Krista Darrach

I knew I’d be shelving this at “Man with no face.” Bringing in the man with no face and the sibling with special needs is a brilliant twist IMHO.

The narrative is clear, you do flashback very well and, although I haven’t read far enough yet to see how it all unravels, you’ve prepped us very well about what comes with the police by describing the two officers at the door.

I wish you the best of luck with it.

A very neat crime/thriller. I don't personally choose to read many, but this has persuaded me to re-evaluate this, as you cannot help but want to know whose bones were found and how they got there. I will keep you on my watchlist to re-visit as I feel I need to know more!
Kendall Craig ( The Halo of Delight)

This is shaping up well. I think you could work on the dialogue, I think someone else has said something about the Lieutenant not sounding too authentic. I'll give you an example of a sentence at the end of chapter two and also my opinion of how I think he would have spoken.

"Take your time. Investigations like this are never easy, but any information, no matter how small or irrelevant it may seem to you could prove vitally important." the Lieutenant pulled a card from his wallet. "So if you do think of anything my number's on the card."

Happy to shelve.
Good luck and best wishes
Sue

I like what you've started here, and I like the first-person POV (which I usually don't, but you pulled it off).

My one complaint is a characterization thing -- the cops seem pretty unprofessional. Perhaps it's intentional, but I know a bunch of cops, and they'd get in a lot of trouble for just barging into someone's house. They seem kind of . . . well, rude. Again, that may be what you're going for -- if so, disregard what I've said.

Other than that little quibble, though, this is great. On my shelf.

This is a well written first person POV with allot of show. I am not sure what to say about the other characters except that I was following the story through the POV charctaer and it came out fine. You did a good job with the flash back in chapter 3 chapter 3. Many people have trouble creating good flashbacks.

You did a good job editing this piece through chapter 11 because my untrained eyes couldn’t find much to help you. I guess that’s a good thing right? Good luck with this

Hi Edith,

Prides Crossing has all the makings of a great family saga. Old secrets that resurface with the discovery of an unmarked grave? You had me right from the get go. I love Jenny and the protectiveness Hal feels for her. When Mean Arnie crushed those baby mice in front of Jenny, I was shocked. How could an eight year old be so cruel? You didn't wast any time introducing the unique characters that make up this family and I'm intrigued to see what roles they will play as the story unfolds.

Shelved.

EJ

Overall, well-written, with a good pace. The first chapter is effective - has a compelling ending that hooks the reader. Nicely done. This is an interesting story with many twists and turns. Excellent use of first person to reveal the clues in little ‘crumbs’ compared to slices of bread - many writers can’t wait to reveal the mystery or solve the crime.

Nitpicks:
Ch 1: “Get down here now.” This dialogue is problematic. Police officers are, generally, patient types and will wait for you to answer the door. In addition, they always have the option of returning with a warrant if it is a serious matter and they suspect the person of interest is ignoring them. On the hand, legally, you are not obligated to answer the door or even talk to them and they know it. Something to research and consider either revising or omitting. Ask the question: Is this dialogue necessary?

Chapter 2 headed as Chapter 3

Punctuation: Ch 2: At the time, I thought she didn’t like the job. Much later, I realized the energy... (There are a number of errors or omissions but these two were contained in consecutive sentences: Suggest you let Word analyze your manuscript one more time – you may have a setting turned off.

I liked the book enough to shelve it for now.

This is good writing. It is smooth and fluid. The only thing that cought my eye negetively was in the opening sentence in chapter 12 “ . . . would says about the house . . .” did you mean to use “says”?. Other than that this excellent. Good luck with it. I will swing it on my shelf.

Your pitch was excellent which lead me right into chapter one without hesitation. Having just read chapter one, I think the story flowed nicely and with the imagery you gave made me keep reading and wondering what was going on, and then when I got to the bottom last line I wanted to read ch 2, which I will later. Good read.

I only saw a couple things~ first one, is when the policemen said, "Get down here, now." I had wondered first of all if a policeman or detective would say it that way, and secondly how did they know he was upstairs. Just a thought for you to think about.
Second one was the line> should be a comma after "sister"

I will be back to read more of this interesting story.

Intriguing pitch and you get right into the action. I think there's a little too much exposition, though, and while I know you have to release information to untangle the mystery, it's occasionally a bit unsubtle. I also hate the italicised inner thoughts. I mean, there's a place for them, but the first chapter is riddled with them and it grates somewhat. Surely these thoughts could be expressed within the narrative or dialogue? Anyway, I'm not your target audience as I read very little mystery and suspense. You writing is cogent (if a little adverb-heavy) and your plotting is rich and pacey. I wish you every success with this.

I love mysteries and was interested when i saw this. On reading I'm glad I started, backed. I'll give some more comments later as I go but for now excellent.

A suspenseful first chapter with a real hook at the end. I like this, Edie-- I will keep going when I get time, but meanwhile, on my shelf!
All the best,
BexMcK (The Devil's Box)

Hi Edith,

An intriguing premise. Great opening. Loved the build up of tension. This is very well written with great characterisation and believable dialogue. I found this to be an enjoyable read.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Hi Edie
I'm with Stephen, below, I was expecting a woman - don't know why but there's definitely something about his thought patterns. And as we get such a lot of Hal that's quite important.
I've read around the first few chapters - found the first a bit stilted and unoriginal but enjoyed ch2 much more, especially the bee scene. Not sure... I'll come back to it if I get a chance.

I just have to say I am sorry. Sorry that I can't find anything to say that can make it better than it is. I think this is quality. Written with skill I could only dream about. I wish you good luck with it.. Gail xx Invisible Tears

Edie,

Great voice and cliff hangers. This is definitly something I can see in bookstores. It has a professional feel to it and a familiarity that I think publishers look for. I wish you the best with it. It deserves to do well. On my shelf.

Heidi
Turning Red