Book Jacket

 

rank 4323 (-109)
word count 35139
date submitted 16.02.2009
date updated 17.05.2010
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction
classification: universal
incomplete

The Solitaire Players

Kenny Mann

 

They tried to make their world one big art and music studio, for each other. Should everybody else have been suspicious?

 

Can John Morganstern's friends live for each other’s sake instead of living the latest version of “The American Dream?”

These creative-type kids may be willing to sacrifice all the usual incentives, but can they do enough for each other to survive in an economy that’s starting to work like a universal Tupperware Party?

Morganstern — underling at Sac’to Weekly — has made their story his job, even if he has to go on the run, using stolen means, to work it out.

From motels across America, then from The Special Economic Zone just added north of The Asian People’s Republic, Morganstern dispatches a report.

Before he absconded, California was less grandiose than his eventual stay in the SEZ, where he’s cohort to the regional Party official and to George King, who is moving up from rock-star, to Governor of The Golden State, to something more regal than both.

They're interested in getting Morganstern back home and to the internment camp where everyone’s trying to outlast a bad patch of the new value-added economy.

Maybe he could figure out who’s keeping life from becoming a delusional cartoon, if he wasn’t becoming ever more delusional.

 
 

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A Demanding Overture

This piece is re-worked off the last pitch I made to my editors at Sac'to Weekly, before I "took the law into my own hands." I was sure we were never going to find any way to agree on anything subtle about what might be newsworthy.

-John Morganstern

 

 

Davie was cheerful, hopeful, grateful, but still welcome by these few people. I thought he was a good kid. They didn't need him to be any kind of real and neither did I. Fine, if he pixilated everything like it was local TV news.

He was saying, "If we didn't want the world to be exactly the way it is, it wouldn't be."

He had suggested that the mall was about more than mall rats. One of his friends had balked at that with a smile, and walked away.

Nina put a hand on Davie's arm and said, "We?"

Nobody mentioned that he wouldn't be finding any friends in there. His disconnectedness spooked everybody, even other happy Young Republicans.

Jack said, "Let's all not be mall rats" -- keeping things obscure and generic.

"I like being a mall rat," Bobby put in, "...by myself."

According to Nina, "That doesn't count."

"It counts," said Jack, "if the mall rats think so."

"If they notice." Nina didn't always want to be noticed.

"They notice." Jack was certain. "What else have they got?"

Nina said none of it meant anything to her.

Davie sat back awkwardly on the edge of a tree planter and folded his arms. "Yeah. Try to live in a world without malls."

I expected Nina to take him by the shoulders and shake him (I had seen her do this a few times before); smile in his face until he laughed, red.

"Cake," said Jack, as in, "Let them eat..." His usual final word on anything common.

The consensus was that Davie was smart enough to eventually work these things out, if he ever had to. If we ever let evolution get going again. He would never get them to bicker.

It was a dry, hot day last June. The suburbs were trying to offer another empty one, so they were inventing something else. They were at the mall to see a carnival in the parking lot. They walked around drinking paper cups of coffee from a shop inside, randomly commenting on things. Michael wasn't there, but some of his aunt and uncle's old rides were. Nina was recording random sound for him to sample.

Davie had started to get in line at a ticket booth. He turned and saw the others looking at him, so he came back and they all walked on. There was a cheap, but large action-figure toy hanging by a string from a post. Nina reached up and turned it so that it faced Davie.

"Got this one?" she asked.

However disinterested, any one of them could tell that it was "incorrect." Davie dubbed it, "Indiana Skywalker." He only had a few of the merchandising figurines left, but he still had all of the movies. Jack's attention and comments wound up being about the girls around. Bobby snapped the lid off and on his coffee, saying "...movies, malls, parking lots, carnivals..." to nobody.

Mrs. Bert was there on a small, but unavoidable errand. She didn't get out much anymore -- just on her street, with some neighbors; lawn furniture out front, on the corner. But there was also the internet, and she was trying things. She had the tarps off of Mr. Bert's motorhome for the day and had had to park it way out. On her trip across the parking lot she stopped to watch two kids whirling around in a giant cup and saucer. Nearby, there were some retro arcade games happening at a whole new scale.

('I better be on the lookout for first-person shooters.')

They had all heard about Proclamation 8 on the news. They knew that unemployment had become a problem again -- the new kind of unemployment: people refusing to participate in the "income opportunity" system.

"Tupperware parties," according to Jack.

Bobby, Nina, Jack and their friends wouldn't be, "...spending any time in any of the lounges at any big-box store." Nor would they be, "...trying to get enough 'documented recognition' to earn comps," nor, "...trying to play the whole fashion-model role at a favorite boutique, to get free clothes."

They wouldn't be making themselves, "...the 'value-added' on merchandise, even if that might pay the rent." That is, they wouldn't be anything like the people who were, "...taking a percentage of what's on the price tag for a torque wrench as compensation for a few minutes of showing people how to really enjoy using one ...or how to enjoy something about me -- if I'm doing the demo -- that might be remotely related to hand tools ...or books ...or an amazing new moisturizer..." None of them would be campaigning to "...get elected Floor Leader."

"All publicity is good publicity," was Bobby's flat sarcasm on all that.

They wouldn't be "...taking a chit that's equal to a comp and trading that for a supply of pizzas." And they wouldn't be "...like the non-charisma people, trying to move up the ranks a little just by the grace of their 'shopper participation.'"

They could see that almost all of the newer kind of disaffected people were as disruptive as the chronic jobless had been a few years earlier. But unlike most of the disaffected, they never talked about being disillusioned with their own roles.

Before the "opportunities" started up, Nina called the general job-outlook, "Musical chairs." The way she saw it, there had been, "...five overqualified people for every position that opened..." while "...in every other way, the economy seemed to somehow be doing fine..."

They wouldn't be taking sides, as this new proclamation attempted to define who the disruptive people were, why those people were disruptive and what to do about it. They wouldn't be part of, "...the bickering that's in the background noise again." The small, but sharp, "...tang of uncertainty," all around wouldn't be their biggest problem. Everybody else could worry about, "...the stress that's meant to keep things taught enough to sing; that's snapping some strings instead," now that it was clear that a small percentage of the population wouldn't be going along with the "opportunities." They hadn't been "...keeping tabs on any 'socio-economic indicators' that might be wafting downward."

King George may not like the situation, "...but, so what?"

In the news about the proclamation, Mrs. Bert had heard a discussion of the origin of the term "window-shoppers" and how it had become a derogatory term for certain people, even when those people weren't in the vicinity of a shop window, even at home with their otherwise happy families. She had heard it said that some families were acutely sensitive to the disruption and that some of these homes were, "...popping with dispute again." It wouldn't be "...anything I would call the police about, but some of my neighbors might, if the recriminations got loud enough."

She had heard a couple of sound-bites.

From a suit: "We hadn't anticipated being null with some people."

From a teen: "They don't do anything. They don't want anything. Why can't they just go away?"

When Mrs. Bert got inside the mall, she tried to pick out the troublemakers, but couldn't. ('What am I? What should I not do?')

She had heard that state officials had "no choice" but to start rounding up this new order of vagrants -- using tax withholding records; segregating them by age, education, determination of consequential appeals. She had heard about the plans being made for turning surplus government property into detention centers. Before much longer, they would be starting-up the first one, right there in the capital of The Golden State and filling it with "losers."

 

*    *    *

 

When "the camp" first opened, decks of playing cards and a small TV, with basic cable were about all that was provided for the detainees to keep themselves busy during what was expected to be a short stay. Davie's friends just played solitaire, but not him. He joined the poker game. Poker doesn't work without substantial money involved, so coins represented a hundred times their face value and it was assumed that everyone would pay-up on the outside. Davie was into what he thought to be some serious debt to some of the others around the table. He would just be able to cover his losses at the nearest ATM and, "It hurt."

The game's promoter was a guy who had recently realized that poker was something he had overlooked -- an ideal way to bluff on logic for the kind of payoff he always counted on. This guy carefully slid three tall stacks of coins over to Davie. In poker, loaning somebody a new stake is presumed to be welcome -- part of the unspoken quality of the game. Nobody would want to have to ask.

Davie didn't seem to see it that way. He scooped up the coins and dropped them in the guy's lap.

Somebody said, "That's it."

Frank, an older guy, said, "Wait a minute..."

Davie had immediately gotten up and walked over to sit with his friends, followed by most of the other poker players, who left by a door just beyond. Last was Frank, who was also in the hole. His pleas to continue the game had been ignored as everyone walked away. Frank tried glaring at Davie and then locked eyes with Nina, smiling up at him.

The smile was always unconditional, but Frank just said, "People like you..."

Nina touched her heart with the fingertips of one hand, still smiling.

Frank went on: "This place is for you. All you."

Mild taunts were exchanged with others in the group; Frank the only one not happy about it; Davie not knowing what side to take. They had been over all this several times in the past few weeks. "Get a job," kinds of accusation and insults from a guy who -- like everyone else there, of course -- didn't have one ...in a world that wasn't always about jobs anymore.

"...like the world owes you a living," Frank was saying.

This time, it came down to who could hustle; who had a better chance of making it on the street.

Nina asked, "When can we see this street? Do you have one with you?"

And Jack was saying, "That's all about trying to be some kind of scam-lord. Why would I want that? And don't try to call it survival," but the sparring had halted.

Bobby said, mostly to himself, looking away, "Put together a nice set of income opps, instead and don't come back."

Frank was still paused on Nina when Jack said, "The only hard part about what you try to do would be watching people get sucked in. Or maybe just staying interested."

Frank turned to Jack. "Wanta put your money where your mouth is?" he asked, with a glance at the poker table.

Jack said, "So predictable..." and then looked around at the others.

Nina said, "Yes, let's do some poker."

Davie hung back on the way over to the table. Frank was saying something about the good old days. Only Davie seemed to be listening. Others were kidding each other about wild-west cliches. Somebody started singing, "Don't try to understand 'em. Just rope 'em, tie and brand 'em," and some others joined in on the next line.

"Used to be, when I lost a job I'd just go out and get another one," Frank tried to say over the noise.

Bobby looked back and suggested, "After how many weeks in front of the TV?"

"You don't know anything about the real world. Not knowing where your next meal is coming from..."

Everybody was digging in their pockets for change. Nina stopped. "You've never missed a meal in your life, Frank. And why should you? Why should anybody? ...anywhere?"

This seemed enough for Frank to be smug. He looked around the table. Maybe picking out their resolve. "Who wants to deal?" he said, trying to break into all the happy chatter. Nobody responded. "Who wants to deal?" he asked again, several times, monotonously, but more emphatically each time and finally let his anger into it. "Who wants to DEAL?"

Nina picked up the deck and handed it to him. He relented slowly, shuffled a couple of times without paying much attention, put the deck down in front of Jack and said, "Cut," but got no response. He said it again, several times. It still didn't break their festive mood. "CUT the cards."

Nina said, "We trust you, Frank. Just deal."

"What?" Frank asked, flatly, trying to get her -- or anybody -- to name the game.

"Draw. Five-card," said Jack.

Everybody put a penny in the center of the table except Davie, who was sitting at the end of a long table nearby. Frank made sure they were all in and dealt the five cards to each. He turned to Jack again, on his left, and said, "Bet."

Jack said, "Check."

They all passed on the opening bet, until it came back around to Frank, who said, "Five," and threw in a nickel. When they were all in for the five, Frank asked Jack, "How many?" -- the game's usual chance to trade in for a few better cards.

Jack said, "I like these."

Nina looked behind his hand and said, "Ooo, those are pretty. Look at these."

Davie said, "Hey," as they all started comparing and then trading cards.

Frank sat back, with his lower lip moving up over his mustache, as everybody but Nina and Bobby flipped and flung their cards at the center of the table, like the game with a hat. Nina watched Frank gather up all the cards and start to shuffle them, ignoring everything else. Bobby was watching Nina.

One by one, the table started emptying. Bobby hesitated, sober, quiet. Nina had left it to him to watch Frank shuffle. Jack stood waiting to hear what Bobby might say.

"Ever play in a band or anything, Frank? ...draw pictures?" Frank just did one strong exhale. "Do you have a camera? ...guitar?" It sounded almost as much like accusation as sympathy.

Jack interjected, smiling, "...a box with rubber bands around it?"

Then Bobby asked, more directly, "There anything you want to do sometime before you die?"

Jack gave Frank a small frown, which he then turned to Bobby, before going off with the others. Bobby got up and followed.

When they caught up with Nina, Jack put his chin down and smirked, "I didn't know it was loaded."

Nina said, "Cute," and then she asked Bobby, "Think he'll work it out?" But Jack answered.

"I don't want to be there when that wears off."

Bobby dropped into a big chair. "Where was I when all the really good self-deception was handed out?"

Nina said, "When are you going to start leaving bad faith to the experts?"

Jack added, "No DIY."

Nina wondered further, "Who needs you to feel like you're getting it all wrong?"

Bobby said, "Maybe not you..."

Jack might have redirected the point a little. "The other day, somebody tried to say, 'I can read you like a book.'"

Nina smiled. "Did you ask them what page they're on?" she said before looking back toward  Bobby.

He started taking the hint, playing a role, but without much of the enthusiasm, "Stay tuned to meet all of our contestants. Next, on this week's Justify Your Existence."

Nothing quite resolved.

 

*    *    *

 

From where Nina sat, in an old office chair on the roof of the two-story women's dorm, she could see lights on in the art extension -- a school-away-from-school that was meant to make up for deleted curriculum in the local grade schools and high schools. The extension used a smaller portion of the same former army supply depot where the detention center had been set up.

Even though by this time, Jack, Davie, Nina, Bobby and all were out of high school -- all but two having graduated -- this didn't keep them from spending most of their time at "the X" every day. It was "theirs" by right of having lobbied successfully for its existence and by the dubious right of -- again -- spending most of their time there.

The tricky part was that they were all postponing college indefinitely, which kept them from being able to legitimize their presence at the art extension by lobbying the local colleges to sanction it. Their status hadn’t been keeping them from getting a lot of work done over there.

It didn't keep them out of "the camp" either.

Nina could see people working over at the extension, but that night, she didn't climb over the fence. She had talked about considering some inevitabilities in her immediate situation. She hadn't been allowed to bring even her smallest keyboard. ('So... What? Read 'em and weep?')

 

*    *    *

 

In part two:

Eight months later, along a fairly desperate trek across acres of tract homes, on her way home from cleaning newly empty apartments, Nina would come up in front of Mrs. Bert’s house, crossing the highest point for miles around; just a couple of blocks of roadway rising above most of the rooftops and the rest of the suburban street network, like the day she had met the older woman.

There would be Mrs. Bert and some of her friends and neighbors, tables and chairs set up out front on the lawn, up by the sidewalk where it turns the corner, having watched Nina come in out of the west horizon — a moving dot all the way down in one of the roads; grooves between the billowing roofs — Nina looking tired and determined to go out into the opposite horizon, but then she was persuaded to stop and rest, have something to drink, visit.

Nina and Mrs. Bert joked about a plan to remake the culture and administration of the camp with a “...nicely disruptive lack of officious tactics.” They weren’t necessarily figuring on Nina being back inside.

 

[My editors never ran part one, so they never saw part two. -Morganstern]

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Odysseus wrote 346 days ago

This opening had me thinking before I had even got going if only because for me it was unusual:

“They didn't need him to be any kind of real and neither did I. Fine, if he pixilated everything like it was local TV news.
He was saying, "If we didn't want the world to be exactly the way it is, it wouldn't be."
He had suggested that the mall was about more than mall rats. One of his friends had balked at that with a smile, and walked away....
Jack said, "Let's all not be mall rats" -- keeping things obscure and generic.”

Now this is how I might have expected the book to start:

“It was a dry, hot day last June. The suburbs were trying to offer another empty one, so they were inventing something else. They were at the mall to see a carnival in the parking lot. They walked around drinking paper cups of coffee from a shop inside, randomly commenting on things. Michael wasn't there, but some of his aunt and uncle's old rides were. Nina was recording random sound for him to sample.”

But here’s the thing. That reads like a traditional opening but not only is it NOT the opening; it is also far from traditional in its content. Or put another way, this was clearly not going to be an ordinary read in any way.

I found all this riveting by its strangeness:

“They wouldn't be making themselves, "...the 'value-added' on merchandise, even if that might pay the rent." That is, they wouldn't be anything like the people who were, "...taking a percentage of what's on the price tag for a torque wrench as compensation for a few minutes of showing people how to really enjoy using one ...or how to enjoy something about me -- if I'm doing the demo -- that might be remotely related to hand tools ...or books ...or an amazing new moisturizer..." None of them would be campaigning to "...get elected Floor Leader."...
They wouldn't be "...taking a chit that's equal to a comp and trading that for a supply of pizzas." And they wouldn't be "...like the non-charisma people, trying to move up the ranks a little just by the grace of their 'shopper participation.'"”

The dialogue in the narration is equally unusual at least for this cocooned reader:

“She had heard a couple of sound-bites.
From a suit: "We hadn't anticipated being null with some people."
From a teen: "They don't do anything. They don't want anything. Why can't they just go away?"
When Mrs. Bert got inside the mall, she tried to pick out the troublemakers, but couldn't. ('What am I? What should I not do?')”

Or this:

“When they caught up with Nina, Jack put his chin down and smirked, "I didn't know it was loaded."
Nina said, "Cute," and then she asked Bobby, "Think he'll work it out?" But Jack answered.
"I don't want to be there when that wears off."
Bobby dropped into a big chair. "Where was I when all the really good self-deception was handed out?"
Nina said, "When are you going to start leaving bad faith to the experts?"
Jack added, "No DIY."
Nina wondered further, "Who needs you to feel like you're getting it all wrong?"...
He started taking the hint, playing a role, but without much of the enthusiasm, "Stay tuned to meet all of our contestants. Next, on this week's Justify Your Existence."”

This is simply fascinating.

And continues to be so:

“I want to at least put an editor's note at the beginning -- for my own continuity-of-thought, if for no one else's. And it's much easier to think toward a broad audience, so the note would be to "Whomever."
Something like:
I was given the material presented here by my sister, who is [a lawyer with; partner in?] [Hungadunga, Hungadunga, Hungadunga, and McCormick], for the purposes of clarification. She has a personal interest in seeing it put in some kind of functionally coherent order to aid in understanding how her office might proceed in preparing briefs for the client: This man's erstwhile publisher. Some of its cursory nature is due to time constraints.
I have tried not to interfere with what this man was trying to tell us, but as an editor of fiction, I felt that it was appropriate to revise some of the syntax and may have inadvertently distorted the meaning or intention in small parts of the original text, which I take full responsibility for. Very often here, phrases in sentences, or whole sentences that begin and end some sections were replaced to aid the basic continuity. (Text [in brackets] is mine.) This edition was produced without the normal consultation that a writer has with his or her editor. John Morganstern was not available to me for any discussion.”

When I read this:

“My main occupation at the paper was “fact checking,” which involved a lot of what you might think would be an editor’s job. Call me a “copy editor,” if you like, but even that’s not it.”

I thought that anything I might say to describe this book might well be suffixed with “but even that’s not it.”

The interpolations too deserve a special mention:

“(‘Do I seem like I belong here? Name-tag in a pocket. They ready for me to reach in for it? Better let them give me a cue.’)...
(‘Rude Boy, life is good? Or is it just unrealistically convenient? What are you doing here in June, Rudy? Is everybody working on some new reindeer game? Somebody get this reindeer a drink.’)...
(‘Maybe I should have lived in a time when survival mostly meant persistence.’)
(‘It was the girl...‘)
(‘Nina. Her name is Nina. Where... ?)”

So you have a narrative inside a narrative along with the surreal nature of some of this. A unique style, completely novel in my view. When I read this:

“I saw that I should just let her do this her way. “Okay. I’ve been figuring I’ll want to know about all of you, but let’s start with you. What made you able to do your part?””

I found myself thinking that we should just let this author do things his way-- and be glad of it.And when I read this:

“Right about here, I was given a role to play. I became a convenient stand-in the average narrow dolt, as well as some one wanting to find some refuge. And now I was sure that all the rhetoric had to do with Nina finding her regular equilibrium; balancing that day’s unthinkable with the most thoughtful kinds of rationalization she had. I know I wasn’t ready to be entirely conscious of what could have happened, so we were both grabbing at reason, however speculative.”

I felt something similar. Is this junk or is there something startling and original going on here. I have spent far more time than usual on this book and I still feel I should like to read it all, probably twice, before I could be certain. There is no question that this book should be backed. I just have a feeling it demands even more.

Backed.


JANVIER wrote 386 days ago

Hello Kenny,

Three chapters read and I see an enjoyable story crafted on a very fascinating premise and written in a confident and engaging manner. With a little polish and tightening, this book's full brilliance will make it even more appealing. An example is in the pitch:
.....Can John Morganstern's friends (can...get rid of it) live for each other’s ....

Overall, this is a compelling story. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Sangay Glass wrote 365 days ago

If you're trying to figure out a genre I'd say lit fiction which is so lose of a term. You have a very nice relaxed style. Sometimes too relaxed, as I'm not being drawn in quickly enough.

I'm also finding I have no real sense of time or place. Interment camp, mall rats, and cable are throwing me off. Are they in detention, rehab? Plus, how old are these kids? Sorry if I'm not getting what the point is, please remember this is just my humble opinion. Probably above my head. But I just see a bunch of kids having adult conversations without the benefit of alcohol or drugs. ( which was the norm in my teen intellectual days.)

I can offer a few technical nick picks to help you do some housekeeping.

Watch the unnecessary words, "had and "that". read your third paragraph without them... it remains the same, but cleaner. Other places of not important use.."I had seen"...why not..."I saw"... I'm also not sure about the punctuation in that sentence.

There was an odd shift ( I expected Nina) from 3rd to 1st person. This can be fixed I guess if you use italics and make it a thought.

who had a better chance (?)

My best advice is to listen to the crits as they come and make chances accordingly. You'll get it straightened out so even the most simple readers, like myself can enjoy and obviously worthy piece of commentary.

JohnRL1029 wrote 363 days ago

"The other day, somebody tried to say, 'I can read you like a book.'" "Did you ask them what page they're on?" Wonderful dialogue. This story is told very eloquently. WL.

Kenny Mann wrote 106 days ago

Ken: you have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch works. Have you thought with the long pitch of using that first sentence to be the last sentence of the pitch? The writing is good so I am SHELVING



Umm... Yeah. That's great. But the story is mostly about doing art without all the baggage about selling. Have a good read, and more than that, try to have a good write, without a lot of worry.

-Kenny

Melcom wrote 107 days ago

Where has this been hiding. I'll be honest it took me a while to get into it, but I'm so glad I percevered with it. Your writing flows really well and your premise promises the reader will want to know what happens to John and his friends.

Great read that I'm happy to shelve.
Melxx
Impeding Justice

soutexmex wrote 107 days ago

Ken: you have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch works. Have you thought with the long pitch of using that first sentence to be the last sentence of the pitch? The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Burgio wrote 108 days ago

SOLITAIRE PLAYERS
This is a story that takes a little while to get into because it’s composed of one person (Morganstern) writing about two others so it doesn’t have the strong sense of immediacy of many books (everything happened in the past and is being reported rather than happening in front of the reader’s eyes). That said, it has good characters and engaging writing. It’s a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Nick Poole2 wrote 195 days ago

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

TheLoriC wrote 333 days ago

The premise and opening chapters really captured my attention. Very impressive! Eloquent dialogue, stellar characters, riveting plot, strong opening chapters. Shelved for its promise.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

KJKron wrote 334 days ago

Each of your first three chapters has a distinct style slightly different from the pervious ones. In chapter one there's a group of people hanging out - Nina, Jack, Davie, Bobby, Michael, and more? They seem to be idle - hanging out, playing poker, talking big ideas. I found it interesting and you don't waste any words. Stylistically, it's sound - didn't find any errors or typos. I suggest to most people that they should cut more words. Here I might suggest adding some just to give each character some trait to make them distinct from the rest. If I were to guess their ages - right out of college? Not sure.

The second chapter switches gears altogether and we're reading emails. In the third we're reading Morganstern. I'm interested in this. I had to read your blurb again to see the direction this is heading - Geroge King - Rock Star to Governer of the Golden State. Sounds possible. Switch rock star to actor and it's today. It sounds to me as if this piece is a satire of our political system - time to trash the Democrats and Repulicans and start a new party - the Tupperware Party. Hey, we need to shake things up. I'm in. You've got my vote.

Kenny Mann wrote 345 days ago

The explanations are actually fairly simple, even if the text isn't: I've known people to think and talk like that, and then some. The project is a tribute to them and speculation about was/is not. Further, the conceit of the first-person narrative is of an unreliable -- probably crazy -- "reporter," in multiple senses of that word.

Your comments are invaluable, in being a gauge to how accessible this story can be. Even if I should have much ambition in the book market, I'm probably not capable of telling the story I need to, that way. This -- more than the above -- is my excuse. Thoughts like yours temper whatever regret. I hope there's enough in the work for anybody willing.

I'm backing Intentions on its originality -- my prime criteria and that of my imaginary friends; the redemption of the real folks who inspired them.

-Kenny

Kenny Mann wrote 345 days ago

...been limiting myself to three chapters...



"...sorry I could not travel both and be one..." then? (In It For The Holidays looks like a rocky road.)

I'm not keeping up with the reading well at all, but I can click the "add to watchlist" link and promise with the best of 'em. I'm admitting to being here more for the discussion than the marketing, so I wish our bookshelves held way more than the five -- if you know what I mean.

Glad you're at 3, happy to be up from total obscurity at 1400-whatever...

-Kenny

Odysseus wrote 346 days ago

This opening had me thinking before I had even got going if only because for me it was unusual:

“They didn't need him to be any kind of real and neither did I. Fine, if he pixilated everything like it was local TV news.
He was saying, "If we didn't want the world to be exactly the way it is, it wouldn't be."
He had suggested that the mall was about more than mall rats. One of his friends had balked at that with a smile, and walked away....
Jack said, "Let's all not be mall rats" -- keeping things obscure and generic.”

Now this is how I might have expected the book to start:

“It was a dry, hot day last June. The suburbs were trying to offer another empty one, so they were inventing something else. They were at the mall to see a carnival in the parking lot. They walked around drinking paper cups of coffee from a shop inside, randomly commenting on things. Michael wasn't there, but some of his aunt and uncle's old rides were. Nina was recording random sound for him to sample.”

But here’s the thing. That reads like a traditional opening but not only is it NOT the opening; it is also far from traditional in its content. Or put another way, this was clearly not going to be an ordinary read in any way.

I found all this riveting by its strangeness:

“They wouldn't be making themselves, "...the 'value-added' on merchandise, even if that might pay the rent." That is, they wouldn't be anything like the people who were, "...taking a percentage of what's on the price tag for a torque wrench as compensation for a few minutes of showing people how to really enjoy using one ...or how to enjoy something about me -- if I'm doing the demo -- that might be remotely related to hand tools ...or books ...or an amazing new moisturizer..." None of them would be campaigning to "...get elected Floor Leader."...
They wouldn't be "...taking a chit that's equal to a comp and trading that for a supply of pizzas." And they wouldn't be "...like the non-charisma people, trying to move up the ranks a little just by the grace of their 'shopper participation.'"”

The dialogue in the narration is equally unusual at least for this cocooned reader:

“She had heard a couple of sound-bites.
From a suit: "We hadn't anticipated being null with some people."
From a teen: "They don't do anything. They don't want anything. Why can't they just go away?"
When Mrs. Bert got inside the mall, she tried to pick out the troublemakers, but couldn't. ('What am I? What should I not do?')”

Or this:

“When they caught up with Nina, Jack put his chin down and smirked, "I didn't know it was loaded."
Nina said, "Cute," and then she asked Bobby, "Think he'll work it out?" But Jack answered.
"I don't want to be there when that wears off."
Bobby dropped into a big chair. "Where was I when all the really good self-deception was handed out?"
Nina said, "When are you going to start leaving bad faith to the experts?"
Jack added, "No DIY."
Nina wondered further, "Who needs you to feel like you're getting it all wrong?"...
He started taking the hint, playing a role, but without much of the enthusiasm, "Stay tuned to meet all of our contestants. Next, on this week's Justify Your Existence."”

This is simply fascinating.

And continues to be so:

“I want to at least put an editor's note at the beginning -- for my own continuity-of-thought, if for no one else's. And it's much easier to think toward a broad audience, so the note would be to "Whomever."
Something like:
I was given the material presented here by my sister, who is [a lawyer with; partner in?] [Hungadunga, Hungadunga, Hungadunga, and McCormick], for the purposes of clarification. She has a personal interest in seeing it put in some kind of functionally coherent order to aid in understanding how her office might proceed in preparing briefs for the client: This man's erstwhile publisher. Some of its cursory nature is due to time constraints.
I have tried not to interfere with what this man was trying to tell us, but as an editor of fiction, I felt that it was appropriate to revise some of the syntax and may have inadvertently distorted the meaning or intention in small parts of the original text, which I take full responsibility for. Very often here, phrases in sentences, or whole sentences that begin and end some sections were replaced to aid the basic continuity. (Text [in brackets] is mine.) This edition was produced without the normal consultation that a writer has with his or her editor. John Morganstern was not available to me for any discussion.”

When I read this:

“My main occupation at the paper was “fact checking,” which involved a lot of what you might think would be an editor’s job. Call me a “copy editor,” if you like, but even that’s not it.”

I thought that anything I might say to describe this book might well be suffixed with “but even that’s not it.”

The interpolations too deserve a special mention:

“(‘Do I seem like I belong here? Name-tag in a pocket. They ready for me to reach in for it? Better let them give me a cue.’)...
(‘Rude Boy, life is good? Or is it just unrealistically convenient? What are you doing here in June, Rudy? Is everybody working on some new reindeer game? Somebody get this reindeer a drink.’)...
(‘Maybe I should have lived in a time when survival mostly meant persistence.’)
(‘It was the girl...‘)
(‘Nina. Her name is Nina. Where... ?)”

So you have a narrative inside a narrative along with the surreal nature of some of this. A unique style, completely novel in my view. When I read this:

“I saw that I should just let her do this her way. “Okay. I’ve been figuring I’ll want to know about all of you, but let’s start with you. What made you able to do your part?””

I found myself thinking that we should just let this author do things his way-- and be glad of it.And when I read this:

“Right about here, I was given a role to play. I became a convenient stand-in the average narrow dolt, as well as some one wanting to find some refuge. And now I was sure that all the rhetoric had to do with Nina finding her regular equilibrium; balancing that day’s unthinkable with the most thoughtful kinds of rationalization she had. I know I wasn’t ready to be entirely conscious of what could have happened, so we were both grabbing at reason, however speculative.”

I felt something similar. Is this junk or is there something startling and original going on here. I have spent far more time than usual on this book and I still feel I should like to read it all, probably twice, before I could be certain. There is no question that this book should be backed. I just have a feeling it demands even more.

Backed.


Kim Jewell wrote 350 days ago

Hi Kenny!

The chaotic style of your writing makes this a very interesting piece to read. It's good, inventive, and a very refreshing change of pace from the norm here. I'm happy to shelf this for its originality, and wish you the best of luck with this!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Kenny Mann wrote 351 days ago

...it's testimony to the diversity of this place...



Thank you so much for that. That's one of the most important contributions I want to make. Very satisfying to be associated with it. I hope we're encouraging other people to be original, despite whatever marketing problems it can create.

-Kenny

Phil Rowan wrote 351 days ago

This is original, off-the-wall writing, Kenny, and I like it. As a journalist of sorts, Morganstern appeals ... but truth is often much stranger than fiction ... and even more so if one has to invent/elaborate/contrive what one sends to ones editors. For me, it's great to delve into The Solitaire Players - it's testemony to the diversity of this place and quite a welcoming breath of fresh air. Backed with pleasure - Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

Kenny Mann wrote 351 days ago

I like the tone of cynicism that runs through this...



Thanks for the read, Robert. I should consider working the word "cynical" into the first paragraph, so that its clear that I'm commenting on "cynicism"; on the iffy collective meaning we all have for the term. (My actual belief is that self-interest is tricky, given all the possibilities for self delusion.) Self-indulgently talking about cynicism altruistically on every page is my favorite irony -- a lot of what makes the project its own reward. The story is a tribute to some altruists I've known ...who had a real good time masquerading as cynics.

-Kenny

sperber1 wrote 351 days ago

I like the tone of cynicism that runs through this, or at least seems to, from my point of view. The conversation about the malls, economic opportunities, etc. all have a bit of jaded sarcasm to them, as if to mock those who enjoy those things. And perhaps correctly. You do an excellent job of using dialogue to make your points, and your characters seem well-drawn. I am shelving this on its promise, and will come back and read more in the future.

Kenny Mann wrote 352 days ago

Kenny,
Wow, this is what I call shoot from the hip, high energy writing. Almost like another language the way the kids interact. I had to read it all twice to follow the banter. Well, I can say it is refreshingly different. I never thought of pixalated as a verb, but it works. Good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge



Thanks for toughing it out, Steve. Accessibility is THE big issue, especially with the dialog. Hearing your thought is a huge help with decisions. The whole project is a tribute to people I've known to think and talk like that.

-Kenny

Steve Ward wrote 352 days ago

Kenny,
Wow, this is what I call shoot from the hip, high energy writing. Almost like another language the way the kids interact. I had to read it all twice to follow the banter. Well, I can say it is refreshingly different. I never thought of pixalated as a verb, but it works. Good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

JohnRL1029 wrote 363 days ago

"The other day, somebody tried to say, 'I can read you like a book.'" "Did you ask them what page they're on?" Wonderful dialogue. This story is told very eloquently. WL.

Sangay Glass wrote 365 days ago

If you're trying to figure out a genre I'd say lit fiction which is so lose of a term. You have a very nice relaxed style. Sometimes too relaxed, as I'm not being drawn in quickly enough.

I'm also finding I have no real sense of time or place. Interment camp, mall rats, and cable are throwing me off. Are they in detention, rehab? Plus, how old are these kids? Sorry if I'm not getting what the point is, please remember this is just my humble opinion. Probably above my head. But I just see a bunch of kids having adult conversations without the benefit of alcohol or drugs. ( which was the norm in my teen intellectual days.)

I can offer a few technical nick picks to help you do some housekeeping.

Watch the unnecessary words, "had and "that". read your third paragraph without them... it remains the same, but cleaner. Other places of not important use.."I had seen"...why not..."I saw"... I'm also not sure about the punctuation in that sentence.

There was an odd shift ( I expected Nina) from 3rd to 1st person. This can be fixed I guess if you use italics and make it a thought.

who had a better chance (?)

My best advice is to listen to the crits as they come and make chances accordingly. You'll get it straightened out so even the most simple readers, like myself can enjoy and obviously worthy piece of commentary.

Simon Swift wrote 367 days ago

Interesting start Kenny. Will come back later for more! Shelved in the meantime! Well done fella!
Simon

Kenny Mann wrote 386 days ago

Hello Kenny,

Three chapters read and I see an enjoyable story crafted on a very fascinating premise and written in a confident and engaging manner. With a little polish and tightening, this book's full brilliance will make it even more appealing. An example is in the pitch:
.....Can John Morganstern's friends (can...get rid of it) live for each other’s ....



Thanks for taking the trouble. I know it's a slog -- especially given that it's incomplete. I'm fixing that "can" typo right this minute. Thanks for catching that. Forgive my roaring through this first draft.

BTW: This weekend will be my first chance to catch up on reading. Please allow.

Good luck with FLASH OF THE SUN.

-Kenny

JANVIER wrote 386 days ago

Hello Kenny,

Three chapters read and I see an enjoyable story crafted on a very fascinating premise and written in a confident and engaging manner. With a little polish and tightening, this book's full brilliance will make it even more appealing. An example is in the pitch:
.....Can John Morganstern's friends (can...get rid of it) live for each other’s ....

Overall, this is a compelling story. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Kenny Mann wrote 388 days ago

The evil bunny is a nut but he speaks true. Quite good and shelf worthy. Read the first chapter of three published books from your own genra and then your own. After that, decide what you might change according to the crits from here.



There's an interesting question of what genre my work belongs in. Like some of the characters in the story, I'm happy to get the consequences of "exploring" the margins; being here at Authonomy without the usual motives. I do appreciate, though, your taking the trouble to see what might be going on and looking out for my interests. I'll see about your submissions, likewise.

-Kenny

Ayrich wrote 388 days ago

The evil bunny is a nut but he speaks true. Quite good and shelf worthy. Read the first chapter of three published books from your own genra and then your own. After that, decide what you might change according to the crits from here.

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