The Ragged Yellow Ribbon

While it's rare I open a piece of historical fiction, I found this to be a well-told, polished story. The writing is phenomenal and without fault. The prose carries the reader along and is never far from Annacara's thoughts, giving us a good sense of who she is early, which is no easy task considering the separation in time and culture. The tension between Lance and Annacara as he watches her is written perfectly, and her thoughts thereafter are genuine and well thought out.

When we shift to Lance's perspective in chapter two, the transition is smooth, and I actually found myself excited to see the conflicting perspectives come into play. A white soldier and a Native American woman placed into close quarters? A possible romance? The possibilities with a story like this are endless. I can't wait to see where this takes us.

Usually I take notes as I read, but I was too caught up in your beautiful writing and the well-weaved story to stop and write anything down. Besides, I didn't find a single thing I would change. This is an outstanding book.

Kaychristina,

I’m finally made it back to revisit Annacara. I was once again swept away into southwest America in the fast changing late nineteenth century where mixed marriages were not quickly accepted. It is authors like you, who make history so very interesting and relevant. Annacara’s story is like dream that I can’t help fear may turn into something less than that.

The first paragraph in chapter nine only serves to build the anxiety in me. You wrote so beautifully, “To Annacara, her own country was becoming a stranger to her, just as she felt she was becoming a stranger to her people.” Then the face to face meeting with the yellow-faced woman seems to widen the chasm and accentuate the changes taking place within Annacara.

I was so relieved when Annacara was finally free from the threatening presence of Nathan Star and the Mexicali whiskey men. When she reached the safety of Fort Hauchuca where her husband was assigned, I was hoping to see a more emotional and joyful reunion. I wanted to see how strong their love for one another was.

But now here they are together at last, traveling to San Francisco. On the way, we experience a lively Mexican fiesta and dance to the tune of a Mexican hat dance. The scene you portray is like a sense-around movie. Amazing. I wish I could give Annacara six more stars. But I’ll keep it on my shelf to the top! I’ll be back to read more.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Kaychristina,

As an ametuer historian, lover of good writing and author, I love this writing. You possess a unique ability to portray thought in words. The structure of this story is amazing. (Please see my bio page to see I have placed your book on my permanent recommended list)

As KC Hart suggests, the love in your words simply flow. I am apprehensive to simply quote what someone has said but it described perfectly my opinion. I too, was shocked at your depiction of Apache culture and am anxious to learn more.

I felt compeled to fall in love with Annacarra. You've done such a wonderful job in bringing her to literary life, one of the absolute finest ways of having done so that I have personally ever read. My dear, you are a gifted writer and with all due respect, do not need this website or any other to promote your work on its way to publication. You're ready right now. I would not only purchase this book, but put it on every form of media I participate in, buy it in multiple for friends as presents and tell every reader I encounter that it is mandatory reading.

My very best to you and I feel I cannot close without saying, "Thank You."

Sincerely,

Emmett
(E M Delaney)
-THE VIRUS

Coming Soon:
MIRACLE IN THE SWAMP

PS - When I put it up, I would love it, and be quite honored in fact, if you would review MIRACLE IN THE SWAMP. I think YOU will enjoy this story.

HELLO K C.. 'WAYSTATION TO PROSPEITY'

BACKED this great read before but had promised myself to read more. i have read many chapters and have no doubt that this book will not only reach the top and be published but will go further, it is a film waiting to happen.
Big screen, wonderful scenery and camera work and not forgetting the music of Maurice Jarre,
Right form the off one can detect the brooding romance as Anacara cannot take her eyes off the soldier, Lance,
This aspect is nicely built up as the chapters move, with a lovely feeling of suspense, will they both be allowed to hit it off as one might say. As the story develops i got the feeling that i was reading one of the better historical books on this site to date, It is so engaging, as brilliant characters emerge into it, almost forgot to mention the music tutor, i have her in my minds eye already , a part laid out for Maggie Smith on film. The writing is so descriptive with word perfect dialogue, and the story is atmospheric in its own way ,as this period piece moves on the read becomes more engaging.
backed with pleasure, it get a six star rating.
TOM BYE ' FROM HUGS TO KISSES'

There are two types of historical fiction. There is the type that simply takes a setting, say The American Civil War, and crafts a tale set in that era. Something like The Guns of the South would be an example. While sometimes enjoyable, a better type is one where vivid characters are painted out, given real life and then brought through actual historical events. Love in the Time of Cholera is an example. This requires a lot of research by the author, almost as much as when penning a non-fiction story. It’s clear that author KC Fenton has taken the latter approach with Waystation to Prosperity Street, and I couldn’t stop reading it.

The character of Annacarra isn’t a cardboard cutout. She’s a real girl with real concerns, and we as readers can’t help but follow her along and root for her. The dialog is exact and true to period, and the events that Annacarra and the other characters face are real and true. Held up to the light, you would be hard pressed not to believe that Waystation to Prosperity Street is a true story, which makes it a masterpiece of historical fiction.

Of all the novels I've read on Authonomy, and I've gone over many, many of them, Waystation to Prosperity Street is the most deserving for consideration by the desk editors. When published, it will be successful and treat its readers to an engaging story. It could even become a literary classic. It's that good.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

I've liked this story for over two years. It just doesn't grab the aussies and the brits, I guess, but it is an authentic American story about the frission between natives and Anglos.

It said the first chapter of a book determine sales. You have done enough to get volume off the shelves. Indeed, your opening paragraph pulled me in to the end of the chapter

Wonderfully written as the love songs singing upon your heart strings.
Still think it would make a terrific movie!

jim

One word and that is-Sweeping. This has a majestic feel to it, completely assured voice, and statesman-like authority. Clearly impeccably researched and pitched as authentically as it could be whilst underlaced with narrative charm, tension and oh-my romance. And all starting on St Patrick's Day!
Because the setting is so distracting-in a good way- and immersive you are thoroughly primed for the sweet anticipation of the Indian girl/white soldier tale. The reader can easily trust this writer early on not to fail when handling such a wrought topic.
I can see why it's so high up the rankings.
On WL and 6stars.
Thank you,
John
Dropping Babies

Hi Kay,
a return read. Thanks again for reading mine.
This is utterly beautiful writing, set in an interesting time and place. The tension is built beautifully throughout and you give a good sense of the mores of the day so that we understand what they are letting themselves in for. The premise and pitch are fascinating. The title is perfect.
The army scenes all seem believeable and authentic, we trust your research about the period and place.
I loved it when you used the piano to echo what was happening emotionally to the characters. This is fine sensitive writing.
What are you waiting for? Get the first few chapters edited up and send them out to agents and publishers ASAP. It's fabulous and should be published. I can't see it being rejected. It would be very popular amongst the book group circuit as there is plenty to discuss, it's immensely readable and sounds devastatingly romantic.
6 stars from me and a backing when I next reshuffle.
All the best,
Sharda.

Kay-christina,

It has been too long - but I have returned to read chapter fourteen through nineteen. Like the few lucky prospector’s in your story, I feel I have struck it rich by discovering this priceless chronicle of American history.

Told with such remarkable detail, this story takes the reader on the adventure of a lifetime. Teamed up with a beautiful Native American woman and her handsome Cavalryman, the reader learns of loyalty, sacrifice, and determination - the very essence of what it means to be American. On my shelf once again!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Hope you're doing well!

jim

This is very striking - a lovely rich tone to your writing and Annacara is very appealing. There were a couple of times I had to re-read sentences and maybe some telling you could cut. Examples would be 'the lady said somewhat unnecessarily' or 'continued an unconcerned Judd' and I wondered if there was a typo in the sentence 'and unsheathed saber' Should it be an?
What you do brilliantly though, for me, is the moment, the immediate connection between Lance and Annacara. That makes me feel like I'm in capable hands and want to read on. Highly starred!
Kate

I came back to read this book again. I checked when it was,1007 days ago, good god. Why did I come to read it again? because it is the best book on authonomy, and it still held me in awe while reading all 19 chapters. I can say no more. 6******

Portraits Of A Small Peasant.

This book is simply stunning.
The scope and its epic nature make it a story one should spend time over and savour.
Real 'Gone with the Wind' stuff.
On my shelf, whenever I can find a spot.
Destined for the desk!

The Ragged Yellow Ribbon
The first chapter engages the reader immediately with direct, simple, language that sets the scene psychologically & socially for Annacara, in first two paragraphs. We know right away what kind of person she is, saves soap, hates boots given by condescending 'officer's lady', with whom she has a painful relationship, works hard of necessity. Then Lance, the other main character, is introduced right away and the coming conflicts and dangers foreshadowed in a few words.

The dialogue between the soldiers, here is a bit stilted, too much information (e.g. re the music and the duty-roster)--could this be suggested or conveyed less baldly, e.g. w. more dialogue? Also, "his eyes met hers" verges on cliché--noticeable because the writing is otherwise quite free of cliché.

In Chapter 2, the dialogue between the soldiers is realistic, and it's a relief to have the likeable Meade introduced. This continues in Chap. 3, where the tension, and impending disaster, is vividly conveyed; the reader almost doesn't want to read on--but has to find out what happens. One concern, wouldn't anyone in the army have known of prejudices against Native Americans and of oppressive army policies against Apache people? Perhaps I missed something explaining Lance's naive approach.

Little nitpicks, maybe a typo or cut-and-paste miss, Luz says something to Annacara, "as Lance approached and seeing his eyes . . ." (who's seeing whose eyes?) did you mean to delete "and" or make two sentences? Also, why is Mrs. Carman waving a saber? Is this meant to be officer Judd?

Otherwise an exciting story, well-told and obviously well-researched.
Anne.

This is one of the first books I read here. I read the entire upload - it is one awesome story.
Liz

this is a good read, with fine detail given to relive a rich part of american history. so much was on the horizon in california during this era. i like the bittersweet tale and how you have built these characters. the long pitch is good, but it is lacking something, maybe a faster pace...a larger than life feeling...you have had a long crawl on authonomy, and you are nearing the finish. i hope you reach the desk soon!
j
what every woman should know

KayChristina
Like you I have a fascination with historical fiction and an examination of ethnic minority disadvantage - which is why I took a look. Once I started reading I realised what a gem your book is. You have reached that nirvana where the historical setting is merely a mechanism to examine the characters. It is so very atmospheric that the subject matter becomes timeless. Excellent juxtaposition of observation and emotion in the same sentence which moves the narrative on efficiently whilst providing intrigue for the reader. You have a beautiful writing style - surely someone has to pick this up for publication?

Paul
'Dead Moon Rising'

For G.M. Atwater, and anyone who reads her *comment*... Yes, I AM sure about the name *Lance*. Not only was it a name given in the old West - in various forms such as *Larne, Lant (which is my own short-form here), as well as Lance and even Lancelot, but... it was my own Great-great and Great grandfathers' name, thank-you. One was in England, the other two in the States - Union Cavalry officers. This story is of my ancestors.

Kay-Christina Fenton

Just dropping by to give your book a glance in consideration for my WL, and upon reading your pitch, (tantalizing, btw,) one question pops instantly to mind.

Are you sure about using the name "Lance" for a man of the late 1800's?

I've done a lot of genealogy and historical reading, and I've never seen the name used for that time period. I'm of the impression it actually didn't come into use until the 1930's or 1940's. So ... given the marvelous scope of your story, might you reconsider trying a more period-correct name, so as to avoid even this small anachronism? I'd hate to see a fine story tarnished even a little by slipping into an incorrect romantic fancy.

Anyhow, this is simply my reaction and you may of course make of it what you will. :)

Best wishes,

GM Atwater

Just dropping by to give your book a glance in consideration for my WL, and upon reading your pitch, (tantalizing, btw,) one question pops instantly to mind.

Are you sure about using the name "Lance" for a man of the late 1800's?

I've done a lot of genealogy and historical reading, and I've never seen the name used for that time period. I'm of the impression it actually didn't come into use until the 1930's or 1940's. So ... given the marvelous scope of your story, might you reconsider trying a more period-correct name, so as to avoid even this small anachronism? I'd hate to see a fine story tarnished even a little by slipping into an incorrect romantic fancy.

Anyhow, this is simply my reaction and you may of course make of it what you will. :)

Best wishes,

GM Atwater

This is great!

Fascinating, different and very well written. Backed
Lara
A RELATIVE INVASIN

ANNACARA by Kay-Christina Fenton

Curious: Is that picture a random-google picture? I like it and ever since I entered this site for some reason it has never left my horrible memory bank. Anyway, it’s a good picture.

The TITLE works for me because I’m assuming it’s an important name in the book and after reading the book we will never forget this person/name. Plus, I like the name Annacara. I know you said you were going to change it, but as of now I like it. There is something always better, I say, so I’m all ears. You going to go more commercial in your new title? My old title was HMD. Everyone hated it, even my mom. It wasn’t commercial and I couldn’t tell the readers what it meant because they were supposed to guess what it stand for as they continue with the series. Hence: My Friends Are Dead People which I have grown to love. However, I think I will call the series HMD. :)

What your PITCH tells the Authonomy reader is that you have some poetic writing coming for us. Does it lure me in? Hmm . . . not really. I am not a historical fiction reader at all. Really I don’t read at all. lol. I only read what’s popular: Kite Runner, DaVince Code, Harry Potter, etc . . . But here I am writing a book and reading hundreds of beginnings of books on here. BUT with all that said, for an Authonomy pitch I would check out your book in a second (which sadly I have never read until now) because it tells me you are a good writer. Well, maybe not but we will see.

The SUMMARY is what it is. It doesn’t draw me in. Again, I am the wrong person to ask about this. However, it’s good to get feedback from people who would never read a story like this just for fun, without any recommendations. I am not a fan of questions in summaries. You ask, “Is all fortune lost?” It’s a question I really don’t care to get answered. So why ask it? If you ask a question, make sure it’s one that would make the reader say, “I have to read this book because I have to know the answer to that question. The summary also doesn’t flow. It reads choppy or repetitive. The first two paragraphs work. The third is what makes it seem that way. “Forbidden to marry” and “Exiled to Chinatown” at the beginning of each sentence are the same structure. You really don’t want this to happen in a summary since it shows a little about how you write. Though, it’s not a big deal. I am not your average type of person in this world: I rarely judge books/people and small things don’t bother me or does it say if a writer is bad or not. Is the Twilight series bad? I read the first two books and stopped halfway through the third. It can’t be that bad because everyone girl has read them and liked them. Just because most people think the writing amateur doesn’t mean it is. Let’s see some other professional author write something that can catch the eye of everyone who likes that genre. It’s hard, and many writers can’t do it so they hate on the “bad" writers who wrote a bestseller. But it goes both ways. Stephenie Meyer can never write something as good as John Steinbeck and J.Steinbeck can never write something as good as S. Meyer. Going back on topic, I think the summary should flow a little better and not be so choppy. Try keeping with 2-3 paragraphs instead of 5 or 6.

So after everything I have seen or read so far, what is drawing me into your book is your cover (which I’m a little bias with because it memorable), the fact that someone has said it was a GREAT book (word of mouth), and funny enough your pitch which tells me you have some talent. That’s it. I do, however, like the idea of Annacara dreaming of playing for the President. Everyone loves stories about dreams that come true. It makes it easy to relate to.

The whole point of a book cover is to stop the potential buyer from walking/searching the hundreds of books onto yours. The whole point of a title and pitch is to force the reader/agent/publisher to check out more about your book. This pitch has to draw in EVERYONES attention. The summary is supposed to finalize the deal in that the reader will say, “Yup, I’m buying this. This is my type of story.”

CHAPTER 1
I love your introductory paragraph. I always think that it sets the tone of the book. It tells us how the writer writes and what kind of story we are dealing with. I already feel something for Annacara. Almost every person over 18 can relate to trying to be noticed.

I don’t think you need to say ‘in the year 1896‘. We already know it’s 1896. You told us in the heading. Just say ‘On the seventeenth day of March, she finished her . . .’

I feel the intruductory paragraph should be separated somehow from the next paragraph. It just seems different. Maybe italics? Or a couple of spaces? Remember this are just my thoughts. Sometimes they are totally wrong and should never be listened to :) and sometimes they should be considered. You know more than I do. However, if a few people have said the same thing then you should really take a look at it. Or if you agree.

After the second paragraph, I am relating with her. It’s easy to tell that Anna has low self esteem. I do, too. :/

LOVE how you used a mule as a guard. :)

Another part I love which is something so subtle is when the hawks jolts Anna and she realizes that she must be off to her lesson. It’s just a GREAT image of her. I know exactly the feeling and what it looks like. It wouldn’t have been good if it weren’t for the setup of the lost trooper. Good stuff! Many people don’t notice but it’s small subtle things like this that make the reader continue reading without them even knowing that’s the reason why they are still reading. It’s that connection with the writer and reader. The subconsciousness of the reader is saying ‘I get you Kay-Christina Fenton’.

‘She took her place at the upright piano . . .” . . .. “Annacara took her place at the upright piano . . .” I am doubting this, but after reading that the officer says her name it seems too much of using her name. But I firmly believe, because you started a new scene, that you MUST have her name and not use ‘she’. But it’s up to you. It’s a small thing. And, if you do change it, it might be a little too much because then you would have ‘Annacara’ being used in the next two paragraphs which seems a bit much. So I don’t know. I just thought I mention it to you so you can work it out. :) lol.

You know what you are good at? Imagery in a way that makes you feel like you are there or you are the character. When Anna hits the final note and turns to her tutor but instead sees Private Lance, I had to smile because I understood EVERYTHING. Not many writers can do this. Dean Koontz is great at that (P.S. his older books). I just get you and I get your character and I see what you want me to see. Superb! Another reason why I like it is because it’s so simple yet it’s doing so many things. It’s telling me that Anna wants recognition/approval (also got that she LOVES playing and it makes her happy) from her tutor that she is playing right, interesting in the world outside her own hence easily seeing the Private (I doubt you meant this and sometimes writers do this by accident but only great writers can have accidents like this). AND like I said I can see the whole thing.

The brief interaction of comrades is hard to follow. I think it’s because of all the names we learn in that short amount of time. We have those full names like Second-Lieutenant Judd and the Sergeant and Private Bolster (Lance). I’m not sure how you would go about making it more simple. I struggled with this in my third book where I have an arm involved. All their vocab and use of full names makes things so difficult. Maybe a description of each one will slow it down and make you know who they are? But then that would just make it longer and that interaction shouldn’t be too long. So I don’t know.

‘He smiled, a pompous smile, and turned away . . .’ This sentence comes off as too much. It’s hard to focus on all those things without a break.

The ‘#’ in between each POV seems a bit much at times. It has that dizzy feel to it. I rather almost it be all Annacara because she IS the star of this book so far. It makes okay though but at times you are focusing more on Lance when I rather you be in the POV of Anna. The reader has already related VERY well with her and now you are taking away her spotlight with Lance who is a good character but nothing like Anna YET. :)

I love the ending of the chapter. Anna is definitely what is pulling your story. That and your writing. This is definitely 6 stars and in my top 20 first chapters out of the 300 or more that I have read on this site. If I was a publisher or agent, I would definitely ask to read more. Just so you know there are probably only 20-30 books on here that I would ask for more.
Nightdream

The cover illo caught my attention first, and I wasn't disappointed with this historical novel. So far I've only read a little but intend reading a LOT more.

Dear Kay-Christina

I have read two chapters of "Annacara" which I find difficult - on here!

I would like to read this book very slowly and savour it, take my time, because it is delicious. The narrative is gloriously detailed, without being heavy; the characters are straight out of the period, entirely convincing. I would just spend the weekend lost within the pages of the story, comforted in the knowledge that my time would be enjoyably well spent.

So, after all your hard work who is going to pick this up? Why has it taken so long? It certainly deserves to be taken seriously. Top stars and on my WL.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-))

While it's rare I open a piece of historical fiction, I found this to be a well-told, polished story. The writing is phenomenal and without fault. The prose carries the reader along and is never far from Annacara's thoughts, giving us a good sense of who she is early, which is no easy task considering the separation in time and culture. The tension between Lance and Annacara as he watches her is written perfectly, and her thoughts thereafter are genuine and well thought out.

When we shift to Lance's perspective in chapter two, the transition is smooth, and I actually found myself excited to see the conflicting perspectives come into play. A white soldier and a Native American woman placed into close quarters? A possible romance? The possibilities with a story like this are endless. I can't wait to see where this takes us.

Usually I take notes as I read, but I was too caught up in your beautiful writing and the well-weaved story to stop and write anything down. Besides, I didn't find a single thing I would change. This is an outstanding book.

Dear Kay Christina,
"AnnaCara" is really a beautiful love story with good conflict and very nice characterization. However, up to the first 6 chapters we really don't know what AnnaCara's story goal is and how Lance affects it, or if a life with Lance becomes her new story goal. Obviously, after he goes away, the story question becomes: will AnnaCara and Lance find each other again and will society let them live as man & wife once and for all? Readers will want to keep turning the pages to find out once and for all if they were truly meant to be together. You have a wonderway way with the pen and you tell a compelling, human story of love, sacrifice, loss and triumph. A beautiful tale in a beautiful SouthWestern setting.
Very solid research and visual imagery. Great job!
Best Regards,
Sophie Schiller

This is a work of depth in terms of both the psychological and the plotline. The fecund mind of the protaganist as well as her psychological longings are palpable. The historical perspective is on target, successfully capturing the flavor of the era. I haven't used these superlatives often in my assessments of other books, but this ain't chicklit. This is the real deal - literature in name and essence!

Kaychristina: I chanced across your book scrolling the site. As I've always had an interest in Native American history, I decided to check it out.
The prose indicate a strong command of the language in terms of vocabulary and sentence structure. The flavor of the period (late 19th century American southwest) is captured wonderfully. The protaganist, Annacara, is highly empathetic and complex. Her attraction to the new officer in chapter one is juxtaposed well with her unsaid feeling that any relationship with him is only the stuff of fantasy. It is also indicative of her daring nature. Her desire to play piano gives us a glimpse into her aching soul and can be seen as either a means of escape from her most unpleasant reality, or a desire to expand her horizons and seek new experience and knowledge. These desires, in turn, could foreshadow future behavior not common among Apache women in the years following the final surrender of Geronimo in 1886.
This is one of the very best reads I've found since I've been on Authonomy. Six stars based on the opening. I'm also watchlisting it for now, as my bookshelf is full. But I'm sure it will end up on my shelf. Will return soon. Be well.
Bob
This is great stuff imbued with the

Kay-Christina,

Annacara’s story pulled me in once again. I enjoyed the hair-raising trolley bus ride through the streets of Los Angeles and the lively ladies that spiced up Annacara and Lance’s boat ride to San Francisco. Although there was some tense moments of discrimination on the boat with the Gance family, nothing could prepare Annacara from the obvious rejection of Lance’s parents and sister. How despicable and stereotypical that Sigrid would try to rid herself of Annacara with a couple of trinkets. Chapter thirteen closes bittersweet. Although, Lance has made the right choice, I couldn’t get over the ominous feeling that there is more to Lotte’s alien-black hair than meets the eye. This story keeps getting better and better. What will become of this determined couple? Lance has practically thrown away a promising future all for the love of an untouchable, Indian girl. Where will fate lead them? Doom or success? Your insightful, emotional writing, lures the reader on! I'll be back to read more.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Formidable narrative, K.C. -- and what a lovely, determined, colorful woman Annacara is.

There is a towering amount of research in this story, and I believe your efforts will be rewarded.

Six stars for you and Annacara, the most compelling character I´ve met in this site yet.

Elina
CLASH

Solid writing skills, clear characters, good flow and pace combine with a story that's utterly engaging.

If I'm truthful, I'm not quite sure about the first sentence, but this from someone who has rewritten and rewritten my own first sentence.

Good luck - I'm sure this will do well.

Diana
Pascual's Birthday

Hello Kay-Christina,

From what I've read so far, this story has a strong clear voice and a wonderful fluidity that carries the story along. Your characters are well defined and unique and the hard life of the frontier is captured perfectly. I love the way your portray the attempts by the officers and their families to carry on the educated and cultured mannerisms. I also particularly like the way Annacara struggles to remain true to her own indigneous identity as an Apache, while conforming to that expected of her by the society she finds herself in. Her relationship with Lance begins slowly yet naturally and without contrivance. They are individuals with lives of their own that gradually come together.

In short, this is an excellent work, colourful and with strong clear voice that captures the setting and period perfectly, and I can see no reason why it would not make an outstanding novel.

All the best, keep up the good work.

Jack Hughes

The writing is very good. The narrative prose flows well and the dialogue is realistic.
The descriptive prose is also well balanced and not full of meaningless adjectives.
The only thing I think is the pace is a little slow. An action of some kind in the first chapter would be good, because although you introduce the characters well and one gets a good feel for Ananara's feelings, you probably need something to happen that makes the reader sit up and take note. It's always tempting to have a slow start, but readers are impatient so I'm told.
On the whloe a good story in the making.
Backed.

Kaychristina,

I’m finally made it back to revisit Annacara. I was once again swept away into southwest America in the fast changing late nineteenth century where mixed marriages were not quickly accepted. It is authors like you, who make history so very interesting and relevant. Annacara’s story is like dream that I can’t help fear may turn into something less than that.

The first paragraph in chapter nine only serves to build the anxiety in me. You wrote so beautifully, “To Annacara, her own country was becoming a stranger to her, just as she felt she was becoming a stranger to her people.” Then the face to face meeting with the yellow-faced woman seems to widen the chasm and accentuate the changes taking place within Annacara.

I was so relieved when Annacara was finally free from the threatening presence of Nathan Star and the Mexicali whiskey men. When she reached the safety of Fort Hauchuca where her husband was assigned, I was hoping to see a more emotional and joyful reunion. I wanted to see how strong their love for one another was.

But now here they are together at last, traveling to San Francisco. On the way, we experience a lively Mexican fiesta and dance to the tune of a Mexican hat dance. The scene you portray is like a sense-around movie. Amazing. I wish I could give Annacara six more stars. But I’ll keep it on my shelf to the top! I’ll be back to read more.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Good morning Kay - christina,

I have read through chapter 6 and find your story very interesting. I love the history and learning about the tradition and ways of the Apache people. What a lot of research you must have done! Your story leaves me wanting to read more to find out if Annacara and her soldier are ever reunited… Her lone journey is unsettling to me. I fear the doom she may encounter.

I found your writing to settle into a nice, comfortable flow around chapter 4. Chapter 1 and 2 read a bit forced as if you felt it essential to pack as much detail into a sentence as you could. Instead of painting a descriptive picture, some of the long sentences only left me confused. But like I said, by chapter 4 your writing relaxed and the story became much more fluid. I didn’t notice many typos or words that were left out. So your attention to detail is excellent!

I wish I had more time to read on . This is another of the many books on Authonomy that I will definitely finish. I am giving you a five star rating (I don’t give many, in fact this is my second.) and a backing. I’m giving you that rating because of all the research that had to go into this. Everyone can write straight up fiction, but historical fiction, now that’s another breed.

If you could do me a favor, would you check out chapters 30, 31, 35 and 36 of my book? I think you will appreciate them. A young modern day Sioux warrior says goodbye to his girlfriend and goes off to war after Sept 11. The chapters deal with Sioux beliefs about life, death, and burial. Thanks!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

You're work is a beautiful as you. :-)

jim

Hi KC. Revisiting your work. :-) I need to back yours again! And I shall. How are you? Hope and pray you're doing well.

blessings,
jim

Waystation to Prosperity. I love that short pitch of yours, but have no knowledge of the Klondike gold rush, other than its name, so I look forward to the experience.
I take notes as I write, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. That is a powerful first sentence, but the word 'never' appears twice in that paragraph.
I dont quite understand that phrase, 'her officer's lady of a tutor.'
Try not to repeat words close together: sliver, hurt, miss, vowing.
But I love that picture of Annacara (lovely name) bathing among the trees, scrub and rocks, using soapberries and the precious slivers of discarded soap.
You could divide that sentence into two: '....yellow hair. He was trying to smooth it under his hat.'
There is a lovely lilt to your words, and you bring a special atmosphere into your story - like that section 'Lost in the music, nothing else mattered .... and his eyes were not blue, and he was not lost.'
You could shorten that sentence to: 'It was the first time in her ten years of tuition that she ever did miss a note.' By understating, you can create so much better effect.
Love that phrase, Lance stamping a respectful foot.
Words to void: suddenly, still, busily, almost. You will find your story flows even more smoothly without them.
Annacara punctuating her feelings by playing a chord on the piano is a great touch.
You stray briefly between Lance's and Annacara's viewpoints as he dares another look at the Apache girl. But I like the picture that scene paints in my mind.
Your descriptions are serenely beautiful, and you have a romantic way with tender words and feelings.
Sometimes it's alright to repeat words - like in that last sentence.

Ch.2. You only need to say it was a long narrow barn (no but).
The conversation on the dance floor is so natural, revealing the character of each lady as they gossip, and also serving to advance the story.
The steely side to Annacara is well revealed.

You cleverly weave your romantic tale, with beautiful words and descriptions. Your story deserves to be published, and I'm surprised it has been so long on this site.
However, like all of us, you need to do some serious editing.
'Twould be well worth it, Kaychristina!

Jane (Breath of Africa).

- Waystation to Prosperity Street -

(Chapters one to three)

I very much enjoyed reading this. The novel has the feel of a cinematic epic from the off and you has the sense you are about to be embroiled and engrossed in a huge sweep of historical events and tumult.

The historical detail is one of the book's main strengths, I would say. The class and race relations, speech, military details and customs of the time all serve to create a xonvincing historical space without falling into the trap of info dump.

The characterisation is also very good. Annacara is immediately sympathetic due to the prejudice she faces and her various 'superiors' in the household are incredily annoying for looking down on her. Lance seems a romantic leaing man but I perhaps didn't have as much of a sense of him as I did the other characters. Maybe he was too nice. Maybe there could have been more on why exactly he would marry Annacara knowing the trouble it would cause them both, something in his past perhaphs. Maybe I'm just talking nonsense....

Should 'civil war' be capitalised? (chapter one)

One issue I noticed sometimes caused prolems for me personally as the reader was that a fair few of the sentences are quite long, employing either parenthetical commas or relative clauses and what felt like a few too many words. Occasionally this either caused me a brief moment's confusion or disturbed the flow of my reading. As an example of the former, om chapter one:

- 'There she washed in the river, summer and winter, never daring....' At first, this read to me like a list 'river, summer and winter'. As I say, a moment's confusion, nothing more.

As an example of one which disturbed my flow:

- 'He smiled, a pompous smile, and turned away, still smirking, to shuffle his two pieces of paper on his own immaculately kept, polished mahogany desk, doubtless imported from his grand home by way of that elite, military training academy West Point.'

As I'm a novice writer, I never presume to tell people how to write their novels and I'm not saying the latter sentence should be reworded as such, but the following is just an example of how I belive the previous sentence could be rendered without losing anything essential, and with a slightly smoother flow.

'He smiled a pompous smile and turned away to shuffle his two pieces of paper on his polished mahogany desk, doubtless imported from his grand home via West Point.'

- My rationale: The 'still smirking' is unnecessary as we already have the 'pompous smile', 'own' isn't necessary as we already have 'his', 'immaculately kept' isn't necessary as the 'polished' gives us a sense of its upkeep, and even I, as a working class Scotsman, no what West Point is so the descritpion probably isn't necessary.

The above is, of course, being hugely nitpicky about one sentence but I just thought I'd use it as an example of what I was talking about. This was also not a huge issue for me as the writing itself is very acomplished, atmospheric and evocative.

An excellent, epic, romantic story all round.

All the best with it,

Ross

Kay,
For months I refused to read your work as I believed I wouldn't understand about Apache's life. Today, I don't know what makes me to take a look at your book again, not like the first time I looked and turned away, and started to get into the story. I am stunned with your writing style. As I am reading,all the people in the book appeared in my vision like I am with them. I fall in love with the way you tell us how Annacara feels toward Lancer. You intringued me to read the next chapter, ch.2. Great story, Great writing ! Well done. Annacara will bring this book out to publication. I want to see what she looks like.

Bamboo Promise

Hi Kay

The first chapter is pretty long, so I didn't read any further than it. The writing here is very good, and it's probably entirely my own fault that I had to read a few sentences two of three times before I understood. Annacara is more-than likeable from somewhere around the 3rd paragraph and only becomes more so. I don't like reading about Native Americans around that time because of how disgustingly they were treated, and that is the only reason I'm not continuing to read. Through the entire chapter, I only made two notes:

The very first sentence, I think, would read a little better if you started from 'Annacara...', and moved her age to the next paragraph ('on her 18th birthday...').

Second, you write 'lady of a tutor' - does this simply mean a female tutor? Perhaps I am misunderstanding, but if so, it would do just as well writing 'lady tutor'.

And that is it; nothing else stood out. As soon as I have a space on my shelf, I will back it :) I would appreciate it if you have a change to have a look at and comment mine, too. Thank you :)

Waystation to Properity Street
Historic Fiction, 3rd person multiple

Premise: An Apache maiden meets a soldier during the Klondike Goldrush and strive to overcome the forbidden love of mixed races in an age of intolerance.

I've read through Ch 1 and will only comment to that extent

Plot - action = reaction creates tension from the first word. Though the goals are vague, it seems to be goal driven as well.

Characters - well developed. The characters leap off the page out of history into the reader's world. Excellent!

Pacing - Through Ch 1 this is an engaging piece, smooth pacing holds the reader's attention.

Setting - Starting in Fort Apache in AZ, the setting is well described and supports the cast and action adequately. I wonder if a little more flavor would enrich the story.

Mechanics - in some cases, the sentence structure was a bit ambiguous. For example, I was completely confused about the boots. Which hurt, the boots or the mocs?

POV - shifts are handled well, but happen within the same scene; then back again. This is generally frowned upon by publishers.

Overall impression; historic fiction has a wide appeal and this is a very good rendition of a romance in a romantic western setting. Good!

Raechel
Echo

A story of love, adventure and courage in the face of adversity, this book is one that I could read again and again, though I'm not one to read a book twice. The characters are well-developed and the writing is powerful and imaginative. My only concern is that I had to reread some sentences and paragraphs to decipher them. One such paragraph is found in Chapter 10:

'In the face of such torment and loneliness, broken only by one or two afternoons of respite with Lance at her side, seeing men and women avert their eyes at her exotic beauty, Annacara excused herself from dinner, and it was Lance's birthday.'

The way the paragraph is worded sounds as if there was a big party and Annacara only excused herself because men and women were turning their eyes away from her, which she should not have done as it was Lance's birthday. The subsequent paragraph however nullifies this interpretation. I still love the story though and have rated it highly. Well done!

Yup! Six stars from me, and very, very few have won that! It is weird that I spent three weeks in January in the very area of Arizona you write about so well, in the Gila and Salt River area and south and west.

You have created so many wonderful scenes, but I particularly love the hilarious, touching baptism and marriage - the official marriage by that cracking Reverend. And the earlier sea journey where the drunkards get their come-uppance so effectively. And... oh, so many others. I love this book, and I do so hope that it will be published soon.

While in Arizona I soaked myself as much as possible in the history and the native cultures. Impressed as I am with the way you have woven in a great deal of the Arizona story as background into the plot without in any way hampering its vibrancy, I am even more struck by the vividness and detail of the Chinatown and Canadian mining camp chapters, for those you are less likely to have personal experience of these. - I am assuming you have an Az background, if only, oddly, you leave slightly more to the reader's imagination or learning. I certainly found what I had learned enhanced what I read - but that is not to say that you did not include enough. I think you did, except perhaps to mention that in 1896 Arizona was still in theory Mexican, although administered for the time being as part of New Mexico. This in a way explains the edginess of the political situation in the region and also beyond, perhaps colouring the thinking and prejudices of Lance's parents. I guess, here, that there is more to come out later in the book.

Another omission I would not have known about, apart from kitch cowboy films, is the wonderful, and to a Scot like me, utterly strange desert landscape with its unique saguaros and other cacti, and how this fades into forest as you climb into the mountains - and for that matter how range after range of mountains are separated by huge flat seas of plains. You mention the pueblo buildings, but non-Americans may have no idea what these are, how they are made and that they blend into the landscape and are tough and long lasting. Too familiar to you to mention? A word here and there could make a huge difference to an alien like me. - Not that your story is diminished by this lack. I would not be saying this if I had not been there.

I wish you every success with this lovely book and will repeat shelve it - along with one or two others I am championing.

Margaret

I'd not normally seek out a book set at the California Gold Rush, but this came highly recommended. Annacara is a dear MC. And the writing is of a high standard. I can't put this down (it will be a late night tonight, but I love discovering such a find and am relishing my read into the wee hours). I may even have to reread this again later--for the pleasure of it.
Brava, KayChristina, truly.
RP

A sweet story,with a lovely hook ending to the first chapter.This has a real sense of someone who knows how to write,that is to say someone who is aware of the reader and who can convey a world from the past.You seem to be a very popular person at the moment,but I wonder if you would have the time to look at my book, 'A Buccaneer' which is all about Pirates in thed Caribbean in the 17th century,best wishes Strachan Gordon

I have to say, that while I found some of the sentences both a bit long, and somewhat convoluted, there is a cadence to the way that you write that stopped me every time I thought that perhaps a sentence could be shortened or re-worked - because it sounded okay. You have crafted a really interesting voice here, a really interesting way that the tale is narrated. I would take a look at some of your sentences and see if they could be shortened, or written in a bit less of a convoluted way, but without stopping the cadence of the voice you have created. I'm not sure that makes any sense, but that's how I felt as I read it.

I also wondered how Annacara and Lance fell for each other - mutually - so quickly - in the very first chapter. It seemed to me like there should have been more of a build-up to that. Here, on Authonomy it's probably a good thing because sometimes people only read one chapter, but I myself was a bit surprised both my how forward she was in her affections and how quickly he was struck by her. I wanted a bit more tension. A bit more suspense.

Having said that, those are my only nit-picky criticisms. I think that this story and the plot are really interesting and the setting is completely different than what I am certainly used to reading. I think that this would be a very interesting novel - one I would be willing to read all the way through.

I wish you luck with this.

All the best,

Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An engaging start. A sympathetic main character. Vivid descriptions. Plenty of details that evoke the era. Atmospheric. Not much tension in this chapter, Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) "-possesses a natural gift - nurtured by myself, of course." Remove the hyphen before 'possesses.'
2) ' ... because they hurt and she never wanted to hurt in turn the lady's charitable sensibilities.' Technically, 'they' refers to 'the buckskin ones.'
3) 'The recruit turned to look into the palour, and met the beautiful eyes of Annacara' Put a period after 'Annacara.' Also, if this scene is in Annacara's point of view she can't know that the recruit considers her eyes beautiful.
4) 'Lance dared another look at the Apache girl that was Annacara, ... ' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people.
5) "There was a fire here about five years' ago ... " Remove the apostrophe after 'years.'
6) 'No sentries she could see, none that were awake anyhow.' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people.

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire?"

Have a splendid day.

Al

An excellent start.

Waystation
I've just read Chapter 7 and can pick up the thread of the book from there as a stand alone piece. Your descriptions of the time and place take the reader to the moment, in all its color and marvel of days gone by. By the changes in pov, I think this must be omniscient, which is difficult to adjust to at the start.

Annacara is both humble and beautiful, a charming mixture in any age. I love seeing things through her eyes with her grasp of the wonder around her.

In the first paragraph:
Annacara felt herself to be inside... (awkward. In fact the whole para would benefit from rewording.)
Para 3:
...when darkness fell, blotting... (suggest: ...when darkness fell to blot out ...)
...Appearing suddenly (next morning? Or glittering in the moonlight? After all it's dark.)
Para 4:
A sudden. (sudden X 2 - echo alert)Para 5:
...still stared[, at Annacara again] (Awkward. Maybe ... focussing right at Annacara.)
Later:
She [silently] watched ... Unnecessary. Of course she'd be silent. Also words ending in 'ly' are better avoided.)
She was too afraid of time ... (Split sentence. Separate thoughts become confused.)
He grinned ... and vowed... (Your first pov deviation.)
As the train pulled out ... (Awkward, jumbled sentence. I'd split it.)
In the para beginning:
This new world ... (I found an echo alert - dodging. You could replace the second one with 'veering away from...')
Later:
A [suddenly] stuttered ...( suddenly not needed)
...[suddenly] appeared from behind...(ditto)
... kind of drunken joy ... (followed by) ... kind of suspense. (Find another way to say one or the other.)

Minor nits amongst a chapter of magnificent words. The story takes the reader away to another time, just as the train takes Annacara away from her normal life.

I continue to love reading this novel. You have created such a distinctive voice in this novel that give the reader a sense of an older time period. It has an almost omniscient narrartor feel in certain sections such as where the ladies are observing Annacara and Lance. In the other areas the viewpoint is clearly shifting around quite a bit and in a few places that makes it a little confusing. I think it might help to stick with one viewpoint when you are close in to Lance and Annacara. With the ladies, since you are never really in their head it doesn't confuse and comes across as omniscient. The only other nit pick would be that you write at one point "sighed she," which doesn't ring very well in my ear. I would consider switching it around. Also you have loads of elipses, when in most cases you don't need them. The dialogue progresses well without them. There is one case, where Dora interupts someone who says "she must know..." you really mean to put a dash there which signifies interruption instead of elipses which signify trailing off. But these are minor points. Kristin

I can see that you have worked with films. You write very visually and create such a vivid scene and style of writing that reminds me something of Thomas Eidson's works. Your story unfolds at a lovely pace and the charcterization is strong. I have a background in this period of history and you've created beliveable characters that so far as I've read haven't seemed cliched even though the subject matter could easily lead that way. Good luck, Kristin, Selkie Dreams

Waystation to Prosperity Street deserves to be noticed and published. Kay, I adore your writing as it adeptly connects us to Annacara, later Edward. It has an appealingly intimate feel and an appropriate drive. Highly starred.
Best,
Bea