Sea of Deception

Well, this is straight into the action. Wife dead. Hero being fitted up. Unless he takes the money and gets the plane out. Will he do it?

And the dog too. Buried with the wife. You're good at this stuff, aren't you?

Nick
"Mirror In The Sky"

Hi Harlen,

I seriously liked this. Your writing flows well and the dialogue is believable. The opening drags the reader in and hangs on with ease. Lovely set up with tension and excitement bubbling away.

I have no constructive criticism as I really felt this was a polished piece of work. Unfortunately I had little time to read too far, but definitely shelving and wishing you all the best. Certainly one of the better books on this site.

Good luck,
Kat

Great stuff. Glad I got back to read more. It did take me a bit to get into the story and I finally figured out the reason - the first Helen chapter was centered around a character I couldn't get close to. Helen isn't likeable which would be okay if her section was short, but she's involved in a scheme that's vague and goes on and one. Once we get into Paula's pov the pace picks up and I'm in for the long haul.

I'll be back to finish the story. Meanwhile, I'm shelving it. Good luck!

Louisa (who isn't married to dead Jeff *Grin*)

Great start. Nice emotional hook with an intriguing story question. I'll be back to read more!

Louisa
(It Ain't No Bull)

Harlen. Backing. I like your style. Great 3rd-person removed. You do a good job with the narrative -- can tell by only one chapter. Reading on.

Excellent dialogue - no messing about, straight into the story. Seems to have a good pace and hooks the reader - will back it

This is a brilliant story, no wonder you are published already! I enjoyed your style of writing and kept on reading, more than I should to be honest, with so much to do ;-) Each character is well drawn and has a depth that adds to the book. Your plot is intriguing, quite different from other stuff I've read. This is one of the better books I've read on here and I wish you luck with it. Already shelved.
Best wishes,
Annabelle
(Would love your thoughts on Adelaide if you can ;-))

i noticed that you had one book published and i don't see any reason why this won't either. you're a very skilled writer and i'm sure whilst it's on authonomy it will catch the eye of many agents.

best of luck-shelved TJ

Compelling story. It certainly kept my interest going. I like how you convey the necessary information so concisely. Definitely shelving this.

Harlen

I read the prologue and to the end of chapter 3.
The writing is tight. I couldn’t nitpick at the usual stuff. A few sentences worthy of comment:

“…might not answer no matter how loud he—“ – I don’t think this works without a verb. However, I think you should end it at “answer.”

“tossed off the last of his beer.” – Oh my! Is that a US expression? It conjures a rather disturbing image to me being a Brit.

“caught him with a fist.” – sounds more like a punch than a grab.

You use language well. I liked the expression – “as a monkey among penguins.” The start is fantastic. I felt the ending of each chapter could have been more interesting, you know, hooking the reader, making him turn the page. Perhaps it’s something for you to work on. Aside from that this is very good and deservedly on my shelf.

Best wishes

Murray
The Jin Deception

Hi Harlen,

just read the first few chapters- really enjoyed it. I particularly liked little touches such as the dog in the first chapter- that was emotive in a strange way! I think it's really well written and intriguing.

The only thing I would say is I have no idea what DRO means- this may be a law/business term but perhaps generel readership may not know it (perhaps I am just being a bit stupid though!). Also one part I didn't quite understand in chapter 2: 'Helen chatted with Smith while he stared at the ceiling, looked at the hook.'- what does the reference to the hook mean? Is it an actual hook?

I think there's a lot of info to digest and I'm not quite on the ball for all of it but I'll keep reading. Lots of potential here. The charaters and descriptions are well written, a lot of intrigue here too.

All the best, Nikki

Hi Harlen,

just read the first few chapters- really enjoyed it. I particularly liked little touches such as the dog in the first chapter- that was emotive in a strange way! I think it's really well written and intriguing.

The only thing I would say is I have no idea what DRO means- this may be a law/business term but perhaps generel readership may not know it (perhaps I am just being a bit stupid though!). Also one part I didn't quite understand in chapter 2: 'Helen chatted with Smith while he stared at the ceiling, looked at the hook.'- what does the reference to the hook mean? Is it an actual hook?

I think there's a lot of info to digest and I'm not quite on the ball for all of it but I'll keep reading. Lots of potential here. The charaters and descriptions are well written, a lot of intrigue here too.

All the best, Nikki

Hi Harlen,

accidentally sent same msg a few times- sorry!

Hi Harlan,

I read your first three chapters.

You've written an absolutely absorbing intrigue.

Your characterizations are masterful. Each main character is sharply drawn and distinctive. As one other reviewer said, I even like Helen. I see these people. I feel I understand what drives them. I'm interested in what they do.

Your descriptions are vivid without being intrusive. For example, 'brown pants with a crease as sharp as his face' or 'a cowboy type, tall and lanky, narrow face' or the description of dusk in Bartleby.

Your dialogue is superb. It's tight, snappy, and full of attitude. Great lines like 'Don't try to think. You aren't good at it.' got my attention over and over.

Your humor is delightful. I laughed out loud at 'Someone had tied a goddamn horse to one of the posts.'

Your narrative is thought-provoking. For example, 'Ain't no risk bigger than farming or ranching.'

Some suggested edits.

"There must be bullet holes in the windows...." When using ellipsis dots, three are sufficient. Same thing with "With the steering wheel shoved through my ribs and Janice...Janice...." There are more cases of this type of problem in your first three chapters.

"He isn't here," The dispatcher sounded nervous. Period after 'here.'

"... ask Buck how the search is going for that son of a bitch that killed Marybeth." The second 'that' should be 'who.' Same thing with "Except for the man that killed her." ('that' should be 'who.')

These are minor lapses and didn't interfer with my enjoyment of your excellent intrigue story.

Good luck with this book which I have backed.

Al

PS: Might I ask you to read and review SAVANNAH PASSION?

Hi Harlen,

Overall, this story has a good 'feel' to it. It's the sort of novel I could pick up in the bookshop at Edinburgh airport and have finished by the time I touched down in Sydney. I'm drawn in; I want to know who's up to what and why; and I'm already starting to care about the characters, even Helen. That's skillful writing, Harlen.

'...a crease as sharp as his face...' Hardboiled :-) I love it.

'...and unfortunately there are no bullet holes in you...' Just one example of what is very, very good dialogue, informative of the facts AND each character's attitudes and values.

You handle / show Nick's emotions very well in the hospital scene.

Lots of intrigue, prompts to read on. Tension rising within the scene, too, which is essential and will justify the suspense which (I'd bet my house) comes later.

Some unique and appealing similes: '...as out of place...as a monkey among penguins.' Nicely done.

Tons of very apt descriptions: the restaurant in SF; the hospital in Mexico - done with just the right level of detailing; the town of Bartleby.

Walk-on characters drawn with just the right level of detail.

I did note a couple of things which are very minor and are purely from my perspective. You can easily ignore my suggestions and still have a very marketable manuscript.

Adjectives: just a personal preference - I'd place them at the start or end of the sentence, not in the middle. It interrupts the flow, and in this type of novel (especially at the start) flow is crucial.

You've got 'whiskey sours' in Helen 1, then 'whisky sours' in Helen 2. Could be you've done this intentionally, if the base was Irish (or Tennessee, etc) whiskey, followed by Scotch (as you stated) whisky in Bartleby.

In Helen 2 - I'd have a scene/section break at the sentence 'She woke at seven and spent more time than usual on her wardrobe.' (maybe you do and it's a formatting issue). A significant amount of time has passed between this paragraph and the preceeding. Your call, obviously.

Overall, though, I liked this a lot. And I'll shelve it, too :)

Take it all the way,

--Jack Ramsay (Pretence and Palliation)

Hi Harlen,
This is such an effective first chapter - great description, - 'pain slid across a thin border, turned to anger' / 'sighing of the air conditioning as it fought the heat that leaked..' / 'They were too full of the decision, of Janice, of loss.' Other phrases that were particularly effective (imo) - 'The cop could have been asking about a recipe for soup..' lets us see part of Nick's character at the same time. / 'knew it when he hung in the car' / 'It had hurt too much to breathe' - OI have the feeling that this wasn't just physical hurt you meant here.
The whole set-up - the (probably slightly dubious) business dealing that had gone wrong? / the attitude of the Mexican police - their veiled threats / the offer to get out, and the pay-off, but it has to be now / the pathos of leaving his wife's body and the detail of burying the dog with her - all of that was powerful and a good 'hook' for the reader.
I do have one suggestion - which you might consider. I feel starting with 'She's dead' is too much of a 'bang'.
I'd suggest starting at 'The Mexican..... tone.(then insert sentence 1)and continue as before to end of para. - It brings us into the setting and then the crunch. - Just a thought.
Otherwise a great start,
You're going for a spin on my shelf,
Margaret.
(I know its a rush, but as eds desk is looming I wonder if you'd have time to take aquick look at Munro's Choice today or tomorrow - I'd really appreciate it, Thanks, M.

Hi Harlen,

Finally made room on my shelf. Good luck,

Joanna

Hi Harlen. Great opening. Vivid characters. Good descriptions. Intense conflicts. Strong motives. I placed you on my shelf. Stay in touch and good luck. Janet Marie

What I like most about your writing are the little details you put in. (Especially the details about Pateros and his shoe, the ceiling tiles, and later, the walking to fill the hours). The conversations in the bar with Jay are very well done too. (The phone's out of order for the Cops). All of this lifted the book out of the run of the mill crime story, if this is what this is. (I am not altogether sure there is not going to be a lot more here than a simple crime story. I only read to Chapter 4). I will shelve it, though, on the strength of your ability to evoke whole scenes, characters even, with just a small situation or seemingly throw-away comment.

Hello Harlen,

Excellent. Fast paced which is what a crime thriller should be. You hook the reader left, right and centre. I read lots of crime novels and I'd buy this if I saw it in a shop.

This is going on my Watch List. Good luck with it,

Joanna

Hallo Harlen.
Just been reading the first few chapters and found them very enjoyable. It's my sort of fiction anyway but only if it's done well and you've done it very well. Although I've only spent two days on American soil, I feel I know it so well from the hundreds of movies I've seen and you've done a wonderful job in bringing these to life, when Helen crosses from the motel to the bar I could feel the days heat rising from the tarmac and smell the sage bush (or whatever it is I imagine I can smell.) Excellent beginning, you've set the scene for the story to go in all sorts of directions. The characters are interesting as well as believable. You have obviously done plenty of editing as I didn't spot any typo's. The only thing I can add so far is in chapter one. The paragraph beginning 'But all the glass was shattered,' writing about the policeman 'a smile flickered across...' I would have put 'Cowan thought he saw a smile.' I know this is a very minor point and it's meant as a suggestion not a criticism, so feel free to ignore it. Anyway, all in all an excellent piece of writing which I shall carry on with.
Best wishs. Don Bull.

Nice opening! I'm hooked enough to read on...

Nice opening! I'm hooked enough to read on...