God and the Other

Main character has great voice, and the dialogue is spot on 'geek talk'. I found the first chapter funny and dark, and the lead up to the second chapter had nice suspense. Really reminded me in chap 1 of Catcher in the Rye with the strong protagonist voice and his pessimism. Not sure that was intentional (or even if I'm reaching a bit here) but whatever. Anyway, I liked it, and I found it curious that the book really seemed to jibe with your bio.

Please consider taking a look at my book, "Loki", if you get a chance. I'd love somebody to throw some negative comments at me so I can see what isn't working.
Thanks!
Mike Vasich

ohh good. I liked it. Very believable, good voice. backed happily.
~Zero, No Title Needed

I truely cannot believe that this book has fallen so far. I've read it three times, and it's still amazing, I still love it.

keep at it, mate!

Wow. I love this. It's probably the best story I've come across on here. It's just so interesting, you have this brilliant plot, Sebi is amazing, and just... wow.

My Egyptology crept in at Chapter 23: You mention the Valley of the Kings, watching the great pyramids. The Valley doesn't have Pyramids, and the Pyramids themselves are in Cairo, at the other end of the country.

One of my pet peeves in chapter 32: "could care less" denotes that there is something more worthless to him - the phrase you're looking for is "could NOT care less" which denotes that it is the least worthy of care. I hate it when people confuse these, they mean two completely different things!

Aside from that, beautiful. Shelved, definately, and probably for a while to come.

Holly Hunt
The Devil's Wife

Thanks for your comments, I will go over them in mor detail when I have time. I only have this to say: I am constantly editing, and this is an old version. Many of the things you've highlighted, I've dealt with. I'll endeavor to repost more regularly

I appreciate your comments.

Firstly, i would just like to say that there is a slight misconception here. I have never and will never target young adult. I was told by an agent that this had to be young adult, because the protagonist was a boy. This is not my wish. My wish was to write the geek manifesto. This is all things unresolved for my kind

As for the shifts in story, you are, I have to say, the first person to suggest that they are anything but a product of the characters. That is the reason it is divided into three parts, to highlight the separation. however, this is largely due to the fact that i can't get my hands on a decent editor, and partly because I spent so long piecing it together. Will I change what it discusses? Absolutely not.

I understand your feelings that there might not be an audience for it, but it's placing in the online competition had on webook recently says something else. I'm not sure about which "style" you believe I am writing. I make an effort to not have a style, or rather, to not mimic others. I try hard to NOT read anything else while I am writing, EVER, so that my voice will not change. Again, to each his own. I would like to clarify that I am not trying to lead. I am trying to do my own thing and show that formulaic crap is not necessarily what the market will bear.

I encourage you to read it again. You might find that it's more interwoven than you first realized. I am also going through and editing it again. It was the hardest thing I've ever written, because of the science, subject matter, and linkage it had to my own trials and life experience.

Thanks for the compliments, though I'm not sure how to benefit from your criticism. i wish it was more specific.

Kristina: I read most of the first chapter and here are my notes: 'Complete with the pleasantly familiar sense of underachievement' is hilarious! And as a first sentence is a charmer. Great intro.

Kristina: I went over your first chapter again and feel some of what I've said here may be in error. You may have him waking up in bed (which is overused in first authors and frowned upon) as a symbology and it works so well, I don't think it'd change anything. You've done it so well, a reader/agent/editor might overlook that fact.

Also, it's been said in other circle that having the mc a teen doesn't make the novel young adult. I feel there is a much broader classic market for this piece, which is possibly the best thing I've read here thus far.

Do you think that maybe you should italicize the typed words?

Richly and intelligently written. There was a distinct change in flow when his mother entered the picture, but a nice one. When he starts talking to the mother, I'm thinking dead child in the basement. Get the jack hammer and bury him there. But that was before I went back to read in the synopsis that he was a demon.

The sisters he could not tell apart--funny. Lewd or lascivious is the first cliche I've come across in this. I'd leave off one.

'It became painfully obvious then, that grasping for understandings and prior experience with someone like the stranger only made him (the stranger) more powerful.' I think you need to say 'the stranger' again, to make it easier to understand. This is wonderfully written, but I think you might cut as many adjectives or adverbs as possible. This sentence is one example (I'm not sure there are others) where you can easily cut the word painfully to help the sentence better flow and the reader more able to readily grasp what you're saying.

A deer in the headlights--I've used that, so I know it's cliche. But on the second reading it fit well.

"Yeah, well," he (Sebi) turned away swiftly, while that still remained a possibility... I'm totally lost. I didn't know who the black-clad coffee house refugees were. I don't remember them having been mentioned before. I assume they are other-worldly.

I don't know what an event horizon is? but maybe that's just me. I'm assuming it's a spiritual place, but there's been no mention of his having a spiritual awareness thus far.

I don't understand the 'celebrities perhaps' comment. It would be nice to have a description of the room when he enters. He hears voices behind him and sees all these people. I'd assumed the room was small.

And here, I lose track of who's speaking. But I love the sentences about how it would be great if only wise people could write. But on the second reading, I didn't lose track.

Overall, this could be a little too intelligently written for the average person.

'Where the hand rested, his eyes lit.' Who is his? The reader shouldn't have to figure that out as it stalls the read. You need to keep each pov separated by paragraphs.

Something happened then, his words had sharpened the stranger's eyes. (next paragraph, and identify the speaker).

"Come here," (the stranger) demanded and gestured...

I know it doesn't read as well repeating the names, but you have to be careful and put it in anyway where it's needed. Only when there are just two people present can you get away with not naming them quite as often. You did this well in the earlier portion with his mother and sisters. But these are all very intriguing sentences.

He offered up the kids at the grade school?!

Who picked up the leather on the back of the chair? Putting in the thought of his mother was a nice touch. The words were obviously some kind (of) trap... "You're creepy. Would it kill you to wear a little color?" Very funny. I'm confused at the mention of the soft voice. The stranger's voice was soft? About now I'm not trying really hard to go back and follow.

I've skimmed through this and it seems well written and thought out. But you need to go over it sentence by sentence after he leaves Leah and goes into that back room. This is great and needs a bit of work, but I'll shelve it for a moment. You have tremendous talent.

I appreciate your comments.

Firstly, i would just like to say that there is a slight misconception here. I have never and will never target young adult. I was told by an agent that this had to be young adult, because the protagonist was a boy. This is not my wish. My wish was to write the geek manifesto. This is all things unresolved for my kind

As for the shifts in story, you are, I have to say, the first person to suggest that they are anything but a product of the characters. That is the reason it is divided into three parts, to highlight the separation. however, this is largely due to the fact that i can't get my hands on a decent editor, and partly because I spent so long piecing it together. Will I change what it discusses? Absolutely not.

I understand your feelings that there might not be an audience for it, but it's placing in the online competition had on webook recently says something else. I'm not sure about which "style" you believe I am writing. I make an effort to not have a style, or rather, to not mimic others. I try hard to NOT read anything else while I am writing, EVER, so that my voice will not change. Again, to each his own. I would like to clarify that I am not trying to lead. I am trying to do my own thing and show that formulaic crap is not necessarily what the market will bear.

I encourage you to read it again. You might find that it's more interwoven than you first realized. I am also going through and editing it again. It was the hardest thing I've ever written, because of the science, subject matter, and linkage it had to my own trials and life experience.

Thanks for the compliments, though I'm not sure how to benefit from your criticism. i wish it was more specific.

Dear Kristina,

I think this is four books rolled into one, and that isn't a good thing, because each book appeals to a different readership.

The first few chapters, when he was dealing with the headaches, is fantastic writing. I am not a big fan of that style, because I think it is often obfuscation in the guise of depth. However, this is an ideal example of the style fitting the reality of the story, and it works perfectly.

Unfortunately, when he recovers, you necessarily drop out of that form, and there he is, tickling his sisters. You now move into a really good, YA fantasy story, which continues to the end. I also enjoyed this book, because it is very well-written.

However, you then segue into the unfortunate trap of hard sci-fi, which assumes an incredible interest in science which you are not going to find in your target audience. You should take a look at "The Virtue of Heresy - Confessions of a Dissident Astronomer" by Hilton Ratcliffe, which is posted on Authonomy. The two of you take the same problem, and approach it from 180 degrees from each other. I called him for having too much fiction in a scientific piece, and I'm now calling you for too much science in a fiction piece. You should connect with him, and then both of you can jump on me together for being such an idiot :-)

However, not satisfied with the breadth of your scope, you now spend several chapters (around Ch 19) giving us a brief runthrough of the history of world religion. While this is very interesting to those of us who like Jared Diamond (Guns, Germs, and Steel) or Bill Bryson's "A Short History of Nearly Everything, I think it is even farther beyond your target market.

As far as I am concerned, I enjoy all these forms of writing, so I liked the story a lot. However, I'm afraid there won't be many like me around. I would guess that you could condense anything that is important in the religion section into one concise chapter, and that most of the Quantum Physics could be dumbed down and spaced through that section so as not to be too mind-boggling.

I note that you say below that you want to lead rather than follow, but there is no point in leading when you are so far ahead that your followers can't see you.

Thanks for a wonderful reading experience. I hope there are others on Authonomy who appreciate your writing like I do.

PS. I wouldn't worry about the pacing or the cultural references. If you can't be cutting-edge-up to-date, (which a novel can never be) a general reference to teen culture over the last few years is fine. After all, most teens can't keep up with it either, and they're happy to relax with the "old" stuff.

Dear Kristina,

I think this is four books rolled into one, and that isn't a good thing, because each book appeals to a different readership.

The first few chapters, when he was dealing with the headaches, is fantastic writing. I am not a big fan of that style, because I think it is often obfuscation in the guise of depth. However, this is an ideal example of the style fitting the reality of the story, and it works perfectly.

Unfortunately, when he recovers, you necessarily drop out of that form, and there he is, tickling his sisters. You now move into a really good, YA fantasy story, which continues to the end. I also enjoyed this book, because it is very well-written.

However, you then segue into the unfortunate trap of hard sci-fi, which assumes an incredible interest in science which you are not going to find in your target audience. You should take a look at "The Virtue of Heresy - Confessions of a Dissident Astronomer" by Hilton Ratcliffe, which is posted on Authonomy. The two of you take the same problem, and approach it from 180 degrees from each other. I called him for having too much fiction in a scientific piece, and I'm now calling you for too much science in a fiction piece. You should connect with him, and then both of you can jump on me together for being such an idiot :-)

However, not satisfied with the breadth of your scope, you now spend several chapters (around Ch 19) giving us a brief runthrough of the history of world religion. While this is very interesting to those of us who like Jared Diamond (Guns, Germs, and Steel) or Bill Bryson's "A Short History of Nearly Everything, I think it is even farther beyond your target market.

As far as I am concerned, I enjoy all these forms of writing, so I liked the story a lot. However, I'm afraid there won't be many like me around. I would guess that you could condense anything that is important in the religion section into one concise chapter, and that most of the Quantum Physics could be dumbed down and spaced through that section so as not to be too mind-boggling.

I note that you say below that you want to lead rather than follow, but there is no point in leading when you are so far ahead that your followers can't see you.

Thanks for a wonderful reading experience. I hope there are others on Authonomy who appreciate your writing like I do.

PS. I wouldn't worry about the pacing or the cultural references. If you can't be cutting-edge-up to-date, (which a novel can never be) a general reference to teen culture over the last few years is fine. After all, most teens can't keep up with it either, and they're happy to relax with the "old" stuff.

I have done a great deal of editing since the first draft of this book and am always looking for new ways to pack it all together...I have heard the commentary about speeding up the plot and though I wish to do so, am waiting for a better editor than I to make it happen...to me it was more important first and foremost to make the reader feel a part of this universe, of the normal life that is completely disrupted by this bizarre visit. Believe me when I say that I would love to edit it down, but the literary quality of it must be maintained. I am not interested in making the "next harry potter" I am interested in raising young adult fiction to another level, so for now, it must wait for a more keen mind with an exacting eye for what I am trying to accomplish.

As for the pop culture references. Believe me, I realize the peril of naming names, quoting music, etc., but think of all the great works you know and love, do they shy away? No. You cannot have cultural commentary without attention to detail. Also, I made certain to make their unique cross-section of culture one that embraces not only the best of the now and possible future, but also the best of the past. Geeks are collectors. We love all things of interest, no matter what time period was their genesis. I tried to pick canonical forms, and even if I will leave some audience members behind...um...we live in the information age...no one is ignorant anymore...the kids reading this book know how to use google...and if they love the text and the story enouggh, they will look up what they don't know. My hope is that this will be a marker for the times, a referent, not a brushstroke. I want it to encapsulate an era, not be a piece of memorabilia. That is my feeling.

I appreciate greatly the comments and viewership. Thanks so much and please stay fans of mine. This is but one project of many I have done and I invite you to check out my webook.com profile under the same name to see what I mean and help me grow as an author.

-Kristina

An interesting piece of writing. It takes such an unexpected, abrupt detour into something sinister. Intriguing. However, I do worry that all of the pop culture references might become outdated rather quick, but if you can get it sold before the next wave of newness breaks over us, more power to you. The main character, Sebi, reminded me of so many of my high school students. Very entertaining.

ML

God And The Other

Kristina this is absolutely excellent writing, the prose fizzes with real panache and there are such interesting phrases and invention. It is also spot on resonating in cultural zeitgeist for the YA market, gothically dark in places and wonderfully solipsistic (I fear I have perhaps spelt that wrong!) The menace of the angel visit is powerful, the mundane nature of Sebi's life beforehand wonderfully hum-drum, but not described in that way at all. You have a strong and powerful talent and your writing was gripping to read. I would imagine you are aiming it at the older teenager market, 14 years or so... It plays strongly to all the dark, existentialist thoughts they would have.

I have been strongly intrigued by the first chapter and I think your writing is absolutely up to the publishing mark, there is something fresh and engaging about it. My only thought is, can the action be sped up at all, the angel visit happening faster...your writing has a page-turning dynamic, the story here is also page-turning in its impetus...but at the moment the speed with which the story really gets started is perhaps a little slow for YA audience. The ordinariness of Sebi's life is strong and many adolescents will identify with this and this must not be lost, but it can be delivered in less words I think.

These opinions are my humble own, you have a rich talent that you clearly enjoy and will provide pleasure to lots of other people. Thank you for the opportunity of reading this, I will try and get back for more, best wishes and good luck - backing this, it will be on my shelf soon - Andrew W.

This is a great piece of literature. It deserves to be published and enjoyed. Good Luck in making that dream a reality. You have my support:o)

This is an exceptional work, full of pop culture references and deeper meanings, and I'm incredibly enthusiastic about this writer's future. She manages to maintain an overall quirky personality throughout the story arc. I feel that the first publisher to snap her up will be doing themselves a great favor!