The River's Keep

Just finished chapter 5. Like this, Janice. Wish my short stories would grow. What fertiliser do you use? Putting it on my shelf because I can't remember if it's been there before. Presumably, if it has, it won't benefit you ?

Incidentally, since I'm not familiar with American cooking - how do you broil steaks in the oven - or did you mean grill?

Two 'chuckles in the first para of chapter 4, by the way - or maybe that's the way you wanted it...

Just read chapter two, Janice, and I detect signs of a mischievous ghost making life difficult for Christy. So relieved this has turned out to be a light-hearted ghost story, by the way. I was feeling a little apprehensive after the heavy emotion of the first chapter, but now I shall read on.

Marko

Jan,

This is a wonderful concept! I think you have a great premise for a story here. I won't say too much about grammar and typing, because you already know it needs editing, but I'll point out a few things that you might want to keep an eye on. First, as was already mentioned, you need to be careful of tense changes. Make sure you stay is past tense or present tense throughout. Never both, unless you have a very specific and obvious scene change.

Adding to that, be careful of the jumps through time. I would suggest making it very clear how much time has passed at any individual moment. A few times I found myself having to reread so that I understood whether we were still in the same moment or we'd moved further into the story.

I would love to see more development of Laura during the point after the accident. Maybe she avoids people. Maybe Paul won't look her in the eyes any more. Maybe she spends the hours cursing herself for her mistakes. Whatever she's feeling, stick with her. Convey her thoughts about Paul seeking comfort with another woman. Right now I feel a bit disconnected from her.

Beautiful twist at the end! Very "Sixth Sense" of you. I think this is a wonderful idea, but I was confused... Paul has moved on awfully fast for his love of her to be holding her back. If he's really that torn up about her, as well as the children, we need to see more of that grief. Kind of like the sixth sense scene where the wife mutters her husband's name in her sleep, but never reacts with him anymore. Show us he's grieving for her loss as much as his children. OR, if it's her love for him that's holding her back, just see the paragraph above. At the moment, she just comes across as numb. It's a reasonable reaction to such loss, but it doesn't fit with the reason you give for her continued presence.

Great job! I enjoyed this. I won't shelve this for now, but I'm keeping it on my WL. I have the feeling this can really do some excellent things once you've had the chance to edit. Good luck!

Well, this first page of prologue is certainly dramatic, Jan, and packed tight with plenty of material for the forthcoming book. Will read some more tomorrow, since the midnight hour has just struck here in London.

As you say, some editing needed - mainly the mixed tenses that I'm usually guilty of.

Touching, and very sad.

And full of mistakes and spelling errors but I will get around to finishing and cleaning up this story one day soon. Thanks for backing it. :)

Good title and opening paragraph. Opinion: It is going to need some tug-ins right up front to move the action and sustain the tension that is inherent. I'm putting it on my shelf and will give back quick takes when I make it to the net days off. I'd prefer commenting on a more leisurely project bc. I can meet your time concerns better that way. Good luck with all.

Thanks for backing and commenting. This story was just put on because someone wanted to read the short story prologue. I wasn't expecting it to get any attention. Its just my first rough draft though I have been working on it lately and plan to get it finished and polished up..Thanks..Jan