STACIE

this is so easy to comment; it is written so well, is engaging and a real delight. a treat for the eyes...
backed,,,
six stars************
read SEASONS...

I read your first two chapters and wanted to read more but have to run off to meet friends for coffee. It’s an interesting storyline that grabbed my attention. In most everyone’s books there is always something somewhere that doesn’t quite work I think those things are what’s most helpful to point out .

A lot happens in your first chapter which is fine by me I like action. Social workers in child custody cases at hospitals take pretty extensive histories. I’m amazed at all the info they gather, so I was a little unconvinced that a social worker would have told Harry he was unfit without first interviewing him. Which then lead me to what year is this? 1980, then who knows, maybe.

Chpt 2 Oscar and Harry are carrying on a conversation while Ria is on the witness stand when the Judge, twice already had told the court to quiet down , once for mumbling and once for whispers. The Judge’s part/dialogue seemed a bit clichéd. You might consider losing it if it’s not integral to the story, then when Harry and Oscar converse in court it wont seem weird or at least it wont bring me, the reader, out of the story.

Hope to read more later, I hope he gets the baby
Best of luck
Bill Scott
Haktaw Heart

Dear Julie, I have only read chapter one for now, and have found a couple of editing errors. Mainly it is the need for a few commas here and there. Eg "Oscar, I am nothing but polite." and "Why are you here, Miss Watson?"
I like the overall structure of your story and your characters. I also feel that this story had a great deal of potential. I will read more, but for now, can I also point out a few errors on your 'pitch'. In one place you write Stacie without a capital 'S', and I think there is a 't' missing from 'met Oscar' as it reads as 'me Oscar'. Only little nit-picks really, but you don't want to get to the Ed's desk and not have these picked up!!
Good luck with your writing and I will be back for more!

Mae
'Ignited'

Dear Julie, I read the first chapter and I was pretty much confused about who he, she and they were. I think I needed the story line to be a little grounded, so when all the conversation started, it would be easier to follow who was saying what. But, don't feel bad, there are all kinds of readers and I am one that needs more direction. I liked the idea of your story, the conversation I read was nicely written and chapter one read like it could be a movie. Good luck to you.

Susan
The Adventures of Sohi: Mystery of Moon Island

Dear Julie,

CHAPTER ONE:

“The young woman returned, a child wrapped around her legs.” – very typical of a woman and child who not long ago has started walking. “a child wrapped around her legs” – when reading this piece, one guess stops to oneself a rhetoric question, “a string?” Very interesting.

“By the time they arrived in Compton it was late afternoon. Gangs of youths hung on street corners.” - I find this piece another typical of times’ life

“Oscar hit the door side on. Bette had been right. The scene that met their eyes could of come out of a horror movie. Jollie, her long brown hair splayed out behind her. Foam trickling down her chin from her mouth, an empty syringe with the needle still attached lay beside her arm. Her face was white but her lips were blue, she had been dead for quite a while. The stench in the apartment made Bette retch once again. The only reason she didn't run was her concern for Stacie.” - in conformity with the words of teacher, King David’s son, Solomon saying, “… wherever the tree falls, there it lies.” Ecclesiastes 11:3 New American Standard Bible (NASB).

Julie-


Great flow of language, magical voice and solid characters make this book a must-read story.
The plot is newand very sensible in many ways. I love your book cover and the title but what I was really so interested is how you create your story.
I admit I only read two chapters in your book but they are enough to tell me that you have the potential and the gift of language. I believe that you very keen to details as well that you transform your story into a more believable event. Dialogues among the characters need a bit of polishing. I feel that we have to keep supporting writers, who are obviously keen and dedicated to their craft but they find it hard to become published. This is one of the wonderful things about Authonomy, that writers can share their work with other keen writers or readers. Your work certainly does not seem out of place on Authomony, and I can easily imagine it finding its way into print some day. I have backed your book as I felt that your efforts deserved my support.
Best of luck with your writing.

FLETCH
STORIES FROM A LEAKING MIND

Wonderfully detailed and enjoyable. There's a wonderful humanity: your characters are real, not archetypes but people we feel we could meet in the street. Fabulous.

My only advice would be a quick grammatical check for things like commas missing prior to direct address. However, that's minor, technical and does nothing to eclipse the underlying strength in your work.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Hi Julie, I read three chapters and only time stopped me reading more. Most enjoyable. A truly human story, sensitively written, The first few paragraphs are a little odd, but I soon warmed to the story and the wonderfully described characters. Well done, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

What a start! The shock of finding Jollie like that and the way Stacie is worked upon in hospital sends the intensity home. The scene is described well and then the hook for the battle of custody. This is a compelling read with plenty of action and a great pace. The premise and plot have depth and this should do well.

backed with ease,

Lisa

Stacie:

Julie Stevenson,

The courtroom scene is particularly well detailed and I think you created a real sense of immediacy so that I was there, in your setting, involved, engaged.
We are immediately plunged into the storyline and the pace is maintained by the economy of words you use to get straight to the action.
Stacie, Ria and Harry are all well drawn and your sharpness of character observation built to produce believable characters who drew me into your story and made me want to keep on reading.
.
Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

STACIE:

Julie,

You have crafted an amazingly complex and exciting plot, which promises a riveting read. You have created interesting and compelling characters. Your dialogue is crisp and realistic. Your prose flows smoothly, with short sentences to heighten the tension. A great story is in store for the reader.

If I could make one small suggestion, it would be to shuffle the first few paragraphs around, so that you don't start with a line of dialogue that leaves one wondering who, what, where, why, when? I think it would be an idea to cut your first three lines and open the novel with with Bette knocking on the door, and perhaps an introspective thought to tell us what she is hoping for if it is answered.

Backed with pleasure, and wishing you good luck in finding a publisher.

Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

Stacey

I think the thing that impressed me the most about this it has a vibrant energy to it.
You create a great hook with the death. This is an immense storyline and in its special way very well told.

Julie
A pleasure to shelve Stacie.
Great skills drawing the reader in!
Good luck
David
Green Ore

Stacie-

I know I read this before when I had another book up and it landed at the head of my WL so my backing it again won't stick. But I will tell you I still like this--the premise is one that grabs hold instantly, making one want to read on.

Suggestions would be to deepen the characterization and slow it down a little with narrative within the dialogue--thoughts, feelings, etc. This has a lot of promise and should do very well. -Barb (Silent Hoofbeats)

There areI have read three chapters and with the exception of a few very minor things that could be worked out in a simple edit, I thought this was a wonderful story that is well crafted. Your dialogie is very strong and the characters are immediately real. I think this could and should do very well. Carl. The Time Hunters

I used to work in Comptom so the pitch for this popped out at me. You have a good mix of characters and certainly sink them into situations that test their strengths. It's a good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

This is a great start, I think with a good read through it could be made even better. For example at the beginning when the woman opens the door. I think you need to create more suspense. So perhaps something like;

"Yes I know them, I rent this house from her."
"Do you know where they are?"
"I have her contact detials if that's what you mean."
"Could we have them, we're very worried."
"Worried? Well, I'm not sure it's my place to give their information..."

and so on...

Hope this helps,

Aimee
His Pride, Her Prejudice.

This is a good story with a message that deserves an airing. Your characters, back story and scene setting are all well drawn. Cover draws the attention, and your pitch piques the interest too, enough to peek inside. This needs a little editing, some commas adding, some deleting (as is ever the way!) but your passion for your story shines through. Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown

Have a look at the line in ch1 '...by the time they arrived in Compton..'. On the next line the word 'time' appears again. It's tiny things like this that prevent your book from being wonderful. You've got a great story, believable characters - something very commercial, in fact. it just needs polishing. Nothing drastic, more time consuming. but it will be worth it. Lynn

Hi

A gripping story. I would suggest that you fill it out a little as we have very little scene setting. Excellent plot and prose.
Shelved.

Cheers Olga

Straight into the story, lots of good detail that grabs you immediately. Nicely done. Backed ( a couple of days ago) Tania, This Last Summer

So many intriguing characters in this story - I am loving it - well crafted and humourous! So glad it's all here cause Ill be back tonight for more but for now - BACKED with pleasure!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Intriguing and marvelous read - lots of twists and turns in the plot, which makes it even better! You have an excellent writing style and the story pace moves very well. Backed.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

This is very good, your description of the scene in the apartment was very well written. Your writing style is crisp and well crafted. I get very absorbed from the start. Excellent.

Knowing Liam Riley
Sue Mackender

Awesome read. Intriguing with polished and poweful charcters and diolouge. C W Shelved

I love how you opened the book with a dialogue. It's a great way to get the readers immediately attached to the characters. Your writing style is very easy to read and really flows! I am going to love this book! BACKED!!!

The pitch of this book tells of a moving and exciting story, and you plunge us straight into it. Harry is someone we can feel really sorry for. The search of Oscar and Bette for Jollie and Stacie, coming to a climax when they break into her compartment and find Jollie dead, is gripping and hooks us in to find out more. The court scene takes us through the story, and again you leave us, at the end of this second chapter, not knowing if Harry will be able to keep his daughter Stacie or not, another good hook. You write in a clear, easy to read style, and your characters are well drawn. The only suggestion I would make is that you show us more of what is happening in the first chapter instead of telling us about it. This could probably be two chapters instead of two if you did this. Not that the length matters, but there is a feeling of distance at the moment, which could be changed. But this is a very readable book. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Great intro. It's a gripping story and you find yourself rooting for Stacie, Bette and Oscar right away.
Your dialogue is a little stiff. Read it out loud, or listen to someone else read it to you. Some of it sounds very formal...
Just my 2 cent opinion.

Backed-
Dan,
Eunice Stubbins, among others...

The pitches are very effective, although 'now that he has me Oscar.' should be 'now that he has met Oscar' and 'stacie on the brink of death' should be, 'Stacie on the brink of death.' The opening chapter is strong, the discovery of the dead addict mother and the rescue of the child, Stacie, is very well described as is the confrontation between the two prospective parents and the social worker.
This s a fascinating premise and was the reason I was attracted to the book. There are big issues here and you bring them to the fore very well. I've focussed on the story as there are a couple of problems with POV which may have to be resolved, but the story is where the real strength of the book lies and after the early stages I found myself reading on without taking account of which character was driving the narrative. This tell me that the POV problem may not be a problem at all. My own book has areas where POV is in doubt, but short of making the story awkward doing it differently isn't possible. I suspect the same applies here. I'd advise looking at it afresh, but concentrating on what works well rather than technical matters.
Backed for strong story-telling and great promise. I see you've been away for a while, possibly disenchanted, please stick with this, it's worth it!
Jared
Mummy's Boy.

The pitch for Stacie sets out an interesting and distinctive storyline that has the potential to become a very good novel, and I guess this is an early draft. Fine - like all of us you'll find the editing is as demanding as the original writing! I'd suggest a couple of points to focus on initially. First, work out your point of view for each chapter and stick to it, telling the story through one character's eyes rather than jumping from head to head - for example in C1 I was quickly in Bette's thoughts [Here they were...], then the author's [They said that they would], then Oscar's [[could not believe what his eyes were telling him] then Harry's [questions whirled around in his head] and so on. This is very confusing for the reader, breaks up the flow of the narrative and allows you to do a lot of telling rather than showing.
Second, read your dialogue out loud, and ask yourself if those characters in that situation would speak that way. It seemed to me a bit staccato and unnatural - try it yourself and see what you think.
I hope this helps. I'll be happy to back you for the potential of this story and to encourage you to press on with polishing it up. Good luck

Backed February 4.

Jesse - Savant

I read your first chapter. You start too many paragraphs and sentences with character names. Mix this up a bit.

I like neither of these pitches. Can you rework them? Sell me on why I need to read this. This is your sales pitch.

I do like the pace of your story. Works for me. SHELVED!

I do look forward to your comments on my book and possible backing if you think it's good enough. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Stacie...

You have a great story to tell, so please don't give up on it.

I hope I won't discourage you by being honest and saying that it's not ready yet. This is the first time on authonomy that I've said this to anyone, but I really should have said it before on numerous occasions.

First, your pitch is quite confusing, which would lead an agent to think that the manuscript would be confusing as well. But I wouldn't worry too much about your pitch until the manuscript is ready.

Yes, there are typos and grammar mistakes in the manuscript, but those things are easily fixed. Yes, the situations you put your characters into are fresh and intriguing, plus you've started your story in the right place, I think. What's missing for me is more character revelation and evidence that you've studied the writing craft quite enough yet.

It takes years to write a good first novel, so don't get discouraged. Here are some books that I found really helpful (plus being in a good critique group helps a great deal):

Scene and Structure by Jack W. Bickham
Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King
Sin and Syntax by Constance Hale
Strunk, of course

Plus tons of books on character, dialogue, etc....the Writers Digest series is excellent.

I hope I haven't "hit you while you're down" and that your current personal life difficulties resolve themselves. My personal life has interfered with my writing on many occasions but when I came back to my writing, I came at it with fresh eyes and deeper insights.

Best of luck with this...it's a story worth telling, and worth telling well.

Cheers
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

Hi Stacie. Congratulations on your excellent novel. On my shelf.
I thought you were a doctor, as the medical descriptions are spot on.
In fact I found all the descriptions very real.
Hope you´re okay. Best luck with this...............Mikey

Stacie,
Julie,
You're story is intriguing. There are a couple of Typo's in your pitch, someone's name isn't capitalized. I do agree that it would help to ground the first scene by knowing a little bit about who's talking. I was trying to figure out who said what. But I think you've got a good start.
Shelved.
~Krista Darrach
-Riley's Gift

Irf I had one piece of advice, I would say to have someone else read this aloud.
The story is good and yoru characters as well, but the dialog is a bit awkward in places. Dont worry you will sort it out.
A turn on my shelf is in order.

Dear Julie,
Check your pitches.
On the short pitch, not everyone knows where Compton is. Suggest defining or saying Southern California. Or saying a lower middle class area south of L.A.?

On the long pitch, there are a few typos -- oops. (e.g., "now that he has me Oscar". It's obviously important to make a good first impression.

Following are my reflections on the first chapter:

The order's off: first there's human excrement. Then Bette's heels echoing as she walks into the building. Then the smell hits them as they enter.

There's a lot of narrative that could be covered in a more dramatic way with dialogue and action. And some unnecessary detail, such as Harry being offered coffee. They had explained that they were questioned, not charged.

Not necessary: "Bette stood up, deciding that she wanted to be part of the argument." By her entering into the dialogue, we'll see that.

Your characters speak in very formal tones. Listen to people speak around you. They use contractions, often partial sentences.

The story looks to be an important one, about gay couples with children and the foster care system. Wishing you all the best with it.

Good strong story here Julie. I'm not going into any great detail about anything as you say it's with an editor. SO the only thing I have to say is that I enjoyed reading it. Oh, and shelved. Oh and .... haha!
Best of luck
Sue

Hi Julie,

First of, I'm shelving this. Anything else you can feel free to ignore.

Ignore me bit -

I wonder if there couldn't be a bit of tightening. I think, certainly along lines ML Hamilton suggested, below,..and now I've just seen the 'with editor' post from you...so double ignore me, back to my original 'backed' ...and move on.

Good luck with it,

Craig

Hi Julie,

This is an interesting story dealing with important, yet difficult topics that I felt you handled very well. I think there’s great potential here and it certainly grabbed my attention. It was easy to read and I especially liked the dialogue as it felt natural.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Julie,

I like the first couple of sentences. Then I think you need a paragraph orienting the reader. I was so confused as to who Bette and Oscar were. I don't mean a narration, just something to describe what they look like, etc. Then have one of them mention that they are there looking for Harry's daughter because he's too busy on a movie set or something. That way we know what is going on and their relationship to each other.

I also wasn't sure how Ria knew that Harry and Oscar were in a relationship until I went back and read your pitch. This one is easy to fix. Have Ria say something like, "I've read the tabloids, Mr. Forbes, I know you're in a homosexual relationship with Mr. Stanton. Are you going to deny it?"

That said, I think this is a very important book right now. With gay rights in the media, we need to evaluate why we would be more comfortable having a drug addicted mother raising a child than two gay men. I applaud you for taking on this very important topic and do not want you to give up. The issues I found are easily fixed and I think you have a true gem in the rough here.

On my shelf,

ML

Child custody and social services, two incredibly difficult topics. Couple this with gay rights and traditional morality and you have a twisted web of stickyness.
I think you have taken the right tack personalising all of this. Even people who hate your point of view will need to thiink about why. Good job here. Very brave. Shelved.

Julie,

OK, here is my ten-minute review. Please know that this is only my opinion.
Pitch: I think the situation is quite powerful. A mother dies of a drug overdose, leaving her baby daughter. Three people fight over custody and the girl's abusive father tries to derail the process. OK, if this is not what you intended, then I misunderstood. To be honest, the long pitch is a muddle and makes very little sense to me. It seems to consist of short sentences flung in no particular order. There are missing words, rogue words and some sentences plain do not make any sense at all. Please look at it. It's a mess. The correct spelling is trilogy.
Plot: I still think this is a powerful story subject. You could do a lot with it
Setting: not much. Could do with more sensory description
Writing: suffers from the same as above. There are no dialogue tags. I have no idea who is speaking. There is a lot of pronoun confusion. There are three (?) women in the first scene. Which she are you referring to? The text makes leaps I don't get, in a way similar to the pitch. I may be dense, but this isn't working for me on many levels. IMO this needs more peer reading and slow improvement before this is ready for a paid editor.

The overall story has an impact on the reader. Since your story is set in the US with American characters, one thing I want to point out is that in the US it would be called an operating room, not theatre.

This book has gone to an editor, so comments only on the story please. Once I have spoken to editor and done everything they have asked me to do then I will update, until then I am afraid I am not going to touch it. I hope you all understand this.

Many thanks

Julie Stevenson

Hi Julie,
This reads much better.

Now, as Lesley says below, you need to add in little bits of description to bring your scenes to life.

For example
How is Bette feeling when they're waiting for an answer at the first door? Is she upset, anxious? rubbing her hands together? Cold and calm on the outside but betraying inner thoughts by the tightness of her grip on her handbag?

Is Oscar nervous, perhaps shuffling his feet, uncomfortable about knocking on a stranger's door?
You need to weave in little snippets of description which aren't obvious from the dialogue itself.

Don't overdo it, just imagine the situation in your mind and write a little of what you see. Is Oscar a tall man? Is he happier doing things rather than talking about them. Drop these into the gaps between conversations, not when they're talking.

Hope that helps

John

Hi Julie,
This reads like a script. I think you could cut a lot of the lines to make the writing stronger and add some description to help ground the reader. Lesley

Hi Julie
As you suspected this is not really my kind of book, but I do think you write well and have an interesting story to tell (I got to the end of chapter 4) so its shelved.

There are some technical edit things that will improve the way your writing is received. Chapter 1 has a large number of missing "speech" marks and that's very easy to fix. New paragraphs of speech always require new double quotes and the closing of the ones on the paragraph above

I would also suggest you go through your story looking for the word 'Had' and consider how the sentence would read if you removed it. I feel a lot of them would vanish. There's a 'might might' at the start of a chapter that needs correcting. In Ch2 some of the (non-court) speech seemed very formal without the normal contractions everyone uses. "That is" instead of "That's" that sort of thing. Easy to make more natural if you want to.

These sorts of things were all through Shaddowdon when I started on here (and much worse). Your core writing is very good, but making little changes can make the writing police go away and give you a better chance of getting published. (Not to mention a better book)

Good luck with this (I notice my chick lit friends on here have already been around)

John

Judging by the debate from previous contributors it looks like you need emotional support but I doubt that. Nobody who sits down and writes a book (which it is whether short sighted editors take it up or not) is going to fall over at the first sound of criticism. It does knock us back for a few days admittedly but, as in life, you start to believe again, brush yourself off and get going.
I would try to be balanced and say that some of the comments expressed to me about my work have stung a bit. But I left it a few days, thought about it, and did make a few changes because they had merit. What you never do is alter the essence of your work because that distinguishes you from the next person. It gives you credibility. If we did everything we were told and wrote by the book there would be 5,000 similar scripts on this site.
I try to read a bit of every genre on here and do not profess to be an expert on any, but I have been alive long enough to understand people and very little surprises any more. You go back to your keyboard and get writing. Everything we do is part of a very long learning curve. Every book a statement in time to be improved upon by the next. And if you do feel the need for moral support drop me a line.
Shelved.
Rick Gammons
(Touching Bottom)

Hi Julie,

This book is excellent, the story is wonderful and I couldn't 'put it down'. We all have editing issues, ALL of us, no one on here who is unpublished has the right to get at you over some very easily rectified, tiny details - that's what editors are for and very few of us here are editors.

I reiterate all that Poppet has said!!

BACKED by me too!!