SECOND SON

i will check this out when i get the chance God bless

Interesting. I need to keep reading.

Excellent writing. Haven't had time to read it all yet, but definitely will. I, too, find myself wondering if it's Jesus come back to see James. How can it not be?
This book should be much further up the list than it is. Lord, let Second Son be found and published. It will bless those who read it, and bless the children who benefit by it. Thanks.

NC Carlson
Come Home, A Prodigal Daughter's Story

Great pitch and premise. Enjoy all Christian books.
Tom Balderston
The Wonder of Terra

We so often have these discussions about being a sibling of Jesus. Talk about sibling rivalry! This is well written so far and it is obvious that even though it is a work of fiction you have spent much time, research and passion in to making this read authentic and down to earth. Well done and backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Wow. Your picture of James in the Synogogue is wonderfully funny and tragic ... I sensed the separation building. This is beautiful. I would love to have it on paper in front of me so I can read it with a pen... Not because it needs correction, but so I can point out my favorite things. You are using all of the senses and bravo to that. So many I have read on authonomy thus far do not do that. Your writing draws me into a picture. It is art. I will read the entirety of this book; there are others I cannot say that about. Thank you for following whatever leading that caused you to write this story. I am fully drawn in.

Bravo! Some of my favorite reads are dramatizations of stories from Scripture (Francine Rivers' books especially). This is an excellent idea, one I've not come across before. I read through chapter one and I was there with James, wanted to know if the stranger was Jesus. My only word on this chapter is ... I found myself skipping words ... like in "The Princess Bride" when Prince Humperdinck says, "Skip to the end," ... Possibly we have too much description? I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way. I am guessing it is his brother in heavenly form that he is speaking to. Maybe that is because I know after three days, Jesus returned. Possibly new readers, unfamiliar with the Bible's words, will not be as suspicious. LET ME SAY though, I like the set up here. It's after Jesus' death,and James is afraid, confused, dealing with a whirlwind of emotions. LOVE that. I'm intrigued to read further and see what your mind has done with conjouring up their lives together.

DaciaLene
Life Has a Way

Hi Edith
This is quite a unique idea and you develop it well. This is quite powerful and intriguing and the quality of the writing is good. I'm sure there will be a market for this.
DP Walker
Five Dares

A very interesting idea for a book and I like the way we're introduced to James' problem right at the beginning.

Not sure about the ' at the end of Yeshua. It may be correct but it doesn't convey anything to me and could as easily not be there.

I wish you luck with it. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers
Elaine

I see the apostrophe after Yeshua may be for pronouncitaion as you have used it throughout. Sorry.

I see the apostrophe after Yeshua may be for pronouncitaion as you have used it throughout. Sorry.

A very interesting idea for a book and quite readable. Just a couple of 'typos' you may want to change.

"Your friends outside" should be "Your friend's outside" or "Your friends are outside."
"Yesua' told his disciples........." why the apostrophe after Yeshua.

Edie,

Although you have another book higher up the charts, I stumbled across this one first. The subject is dear to my heart and consequently hooked me quickly. Your affiliation with St Jude's increased my determination to take a read - my family has spent more time than I care to remember at children's hospitals over the last five years...

I am gaining a reputation (probably deservedly so) for fussy, long-winded critiques. You've not specifically asked me for one, so I hope you won't think this presumptuous!

Chapter 1

Your opening sentence: could this be improved? The presence of the word "actually" jarred with me.

"definitely" appears twice in quick succession.

"He defeated everyone who came against him" --> perhaps "withstood" might be more apt?

"Sometimes he made himself disappear" --> The language here seems out of voice for James - perhaps "Sometimes he caused himself to..." works better?

I think James would have held a concept of Gehenna or Sheol - this makes his surprise at Jesus being referred to in the present tense unconvincing (to me at least).

"...I was sure I never quite succeeded..." --> Do you need "quite" here?

Last paragraph but three - "Actually" again. Necessary?



I enjoy your writing and your premise enough to make me want to see this through to the end (whic I would most certainly do, if time permitted). Good job - shelved.

My novel, Insensate may not be your cup of tea, but I think you would appreciate the underlying spirituality. I would be very interested in your comments, if you have the opportunity?

Regards,

Rob (Insensate: http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11001)

Second Son...

I really shouldn't be reading this, you know--you've already backed my novel and I've already read and backed your other one, but here I am because I'm intrigued by your premise. Plus astonished that you backed my novel, BTW...I would have thought that it might have offended you.

Now that I've read your partial, I can say that I'm thrilled. You've created a real story, one that will appeal to both Christians and non-Christians. Bravo!

Shelved enthusiastically.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

Second Son...

I must say that I'm looking forward to reading this, having just finished The Secret Gospel of Mark (can't remember the author's name) and When Jesus Became God (also can't remember the author's name...I'm terrible! And how can I expect readers to remember my name when even a writer can't remember authors' names?)

Commenting as I go along, starting with your pitch...

Keep in mind, please, that I am severely pitch-challenged. I've read most everything about how to write a good one, but cannot apply my knowledge to my own pitch. Go figure!

Okay. A nit first. Please do a spellcheck on your pitch (e.g. pilgrimage instead of pilgramage) because you never get a second chance to make a first impression, and agents and publishers want almost perfect manuscripts these days.

Second, despite the fact that almost everyone knows something about Jesus' story, I would try to separate yourself from that knowledge in your pitch, and use the allegedly winning formula:
1. who is your protagonist?
2. what does he want?
3. what obstacles does he run into along his journey? (three specific obstacles is a good rule here)
4. and a hint....a hint...about the resolution (you give the ending away in your pitch, something you must do in a synopsis but not a good idea in your pitch.)

One more thing: avoid The Starting Syndrome (begin or start to do something)...stronger writing if the character simply does it than starts to do it.

Reading on, of course, because I love your premise...

Edith,

What a powerful opener told through the brother of Jesus or Yeshua, as he was known. I think this is easily the most powerful opening paragraphs on Authonomy that I have seen thus far, and I have seen some fantastic work!

Although I am not a Christian myself, I am moved by your writing and this compelling story. Also your last sentence in Chapter One is definitely a page turner.

I will read more later and I wish you the best with this novel and raising money for St. Jude's Hospital. This is a noble cause and you as a writer, have talent to burn.

Patricia

Anything on the subject, is good enough for me.
Have you read;
The Jesus Mysteries: Was the "Original Jesus" a Pagan God?
by Timothy Freke and Peter Gandy?
Recommended
as
The God Delusion
by Richard Dawkins

Backed.

Anything on the subject, is good enough for me.
Backed.

Edie

Very interesting. I like the idea of the book and the way it is written. It gives you a great platform to give Jesus and the other biblical characters personalities and explore how they really lived their lives.

How much research has been done into this? Have you worked with historians of the period? You may have done this already but, if not, I think that it will be vital that you get the historical facts as correct as possible. Perhaps add in some more interesting everyday aspects of the region at that time to bring it all to life. From my perspective, it feels real, so well done.

My only problem is why James is speaking so openly and so fully to a stranger. That doesn't ring true to me, so perhaps you can think about giving James a better reason to start describing his life in such detail. Of course I know who the stranger is...

Some of the below comments criticise the number of Jesus' brothers that you have in the book. I say to them: We are talking half-brothers here and there is no reason to think that Mary and Joseph didn't have a number of children - they were newly married and nothing in the bible to say that God said that they couldn't. In Matthew 13:55-56 we see that some residents of Nazareth asked: "Is this not the carpenter's son? Is not His mother called Mary? And His brothers James, Joses, Simon, and Judas? And His sisters, are they not all with us?". So perhaps he had 4 half-brothers. But the fact that we need to ask the question also shows the poor historical basis for much of the biblical scenes and asks how modern people can really believe in it without the evidence that it clearly lacks - sorry, getting carried away with the topic...all developed in my novel...

Shelved.
D

Second Son--
Edith,
Very interesting premise. I enjoyed the first chapter and really like the voice. It's strong and somehow soothing. I was drawn along and wanted to find out what happened to his brother. I can feel his pain and his guilt. Very well constructed, almost a storytelling like feeling.
Good luck with it.
I will give it a spin on my shelf.
~Krista Darrach
--Riley's Gift

God became man - Jesus. We as men can have him live within us, but that does not resolve all the conflict and whirl of emotions that we face in day to day life. What a wonderful exposition of humanity struggling to reconcile their own depravity, no matter how minor that error might be on our part, to a perfect God.

Edie you have brilliantly captured that struggle in the simplest and most enlightening way, with you writing. I hope to read the entire manuscript some day, and pass the copy along to my friends. I will also say that I think this would be an intriquing book to read and talk about with the small group from church that I regularly meet with. Possibly consider adding an appendix with discussion questions about each chapter?

Shelved, and best wishes for finding a publisher

tyer
In Search of Me / Alex

This is a unique story idea and another well written story, I will give it a run on my shelf to help it along!

Jo xx

Spoilt, Fire Starter and Charlotteville

This is an unusual take on the story of Christ . Your writing style here is very different from your other work, and. I especially like the intimacy of usung a narrator. I tend to agree with the comment below that for Christ to have a brother is believable, but to have five does stretch the bounds of credulity for me. To build fiction around fact is a hard act , (as I know to my cost! .) and only (in my opinion) allows for a small margin of 'artistic licence' since many of the facts around the time Christ lived are watertight. While some readers may be comfortable with 5 brothers, etc, some will not be, especially given the nature of the subject matter., That said, there is a freshness, in your approach which I like.I think with a little tweaking this will be even better.On W/l as my shelf is full at the moment, but will keep an eye on this one.l

p.s. Back on my watch list (shelf is full)

Edie, glad to see your book back. I've read the loaded 3 chapters and the story still maintains an attraction and I hope that more will follow. I'm a bit confused re the opening paragraph, is the traveller (with 2 ll) the stranger? Also in para 2 we are informed there are other siblings! The premise that Christ had a younger brother who relates his story I think is great, but another 5 I think, unless the latter part of the story requires them, pushes the boundaries somewhat. The chequebook tabliods would have hounded them to death. Hope to see more uploaded and still think that the concept is great.

Came across your book, whilst looking at historical novels, and was attracted by what appeared to be such an unusual and unique concept. Only had time to read 1st chapter but it's on my WL for more.

Hi Edie,
This is a well-researched, fascinating perspective on the life of Jesus. The introduction of the narrator was brilliant. James provides a metaphor to show the depth of despair all Christians must have experienced when their savior was crucified.

I have to agree with Mary and Lawson. This work has significant commercial value particularly in the U.S. There are publishing houses that only deal with this genre and have the backing of every Christian bookseller in America – a powerful force. St. Judes Children's Research Hospital in Memphis will be the winner and you will shine in their light.

Now the tough part. While the premise is compelling, the narrative excellent, this book needs a lot of editing, from punctuation to blatant typos. Lawson was more polite when he indicated it “needed a little bit of polish”. You have demonstrated talent – Prides Crossing – and the skills to make this a successful novel. I think you are looking for a little push (there is a noticeable absence of any editing of errors noted 39 days ago). Hopefully, I just gave you one.

Shelved based on the author’s credentials and the tremendous potential of this wonderful novel.

Hi Edie... I know you asked me to look at 'Pride's Crossing'... and I promise I will. But I loved the theme behind this book and really wanted to read it, so I did.

This could be a great novel, Edie. It needs a little bit of polish, a little re-working here and there, but on the whole... wow. If I were you I would relaunch it... get it an individual cover and make a real push for backings and shelf space. You told me that Pride's Crossing has more commercial appeal... and I couldn't disagree more. If that were the case than Dan Brown, Anita Diamant, Margaret George et al would not be where they are today. Christ is an enigmatic figure and people want to read about him (I should tell you too that I'm not a Christian). There is so much promise in this work and I really enjoyed reading it.

Best of luck to you... this was well researched and I wish you well. L.x

Edith,
Recently you contacted me about exchanging reads. I decided to take a look at your "Second Son." In Chapter One you did a lovely job of setting up the opportunity for your MC to tell his life's story. It's very easy to follow and even though composed mostly of interior monologue, the story flows well and a sense of place is achieved. I'm no Bible scholar, but this sounds very well researched, in regards to the descriptions of the buildings and physical environment.
I found two typos that I thought I'd call to your attention, both in Chapter One.
You wrote, " Maybe he had come became Eshek and others invited him." Change "became" to "because."
You wrote, "I'd share a hundred thoughts if that help me adjust to what happened." Add "would" before "help."
You tackled a difficult subject, and I respect that. I put this on my bookshelf.
Check out my "Liminality: A Tale of Fox Possession" in which religions of more than one faith play a very significant role as events unfold.
Mary

Hi Edie.
Will have a quick read tomorrow, good comments from your readers. On my W /List. If you have time try a chapter or two of my book "Never Again".

Best Wishes. Terry

Ed:

I am a Jew and you would think this would not appeal but actually it does. I like your writing and the James angle is awesome. I read all three chapters (what's with all that extra internet related stuff at the bottom of the third chapter?) You will have an audience here if you finish this work. But you gotta be careful about those teenage Jesus years or be accused of creating blasphemy.

Watchlisted!

JC
The Obergemau File

Edith you have given me a greater nearness to our Savior"s life on earth. I am not a writer or a critic ,I just know great book when I read it. I will be watching for your next one which I hope will be soon. John

An interesting perspective on the Christ story. This is very good and really gives the reader the opportunity to relive these events. On the shelf and well done. Eric

An interesting perspective on the Christ story. This is very good and really gives the reader the opportunity to relive these events. On the shelf and well done. Eric

Edith,

Wow what a challenge. And you are pulling it off. I don't find myself skeptical of the history, and I think by not emphasizing that I don't feel out of my element, or like I'm supposed to be watching for cues.

But the POV here is really smart. To take this story we've heard so many times - and to make it ordinary and everyday. Wonderful.