Exchange

Hi Dale. This is brilliant and completely different to what I expected. Your pitch sounded a touch complicated but your first chapter sets things out clearly and succinctly. It really is a great read and for the first time EVER on Authonomy, I didn't find a single typo, awkward sentence, or anything at all I'd want to change. Highly polished and professional.
This is one I'd definitely buy in the shops and I trust it'll be there soon.
On the shelf,
Cas.

Hey Dale!

After all your posts on authonomy, I figured the least I could do was drop by. You really have a remarkable story, here. Beautifully crafted. :)

The beginning is excellent. You give a lot of information, but your delivery through the radio broadcast helps avoid infodumping. The only thing that really snagged me was a sentence in the first paragraph, where you say "They had seemed so important two hours ago and an hour ago." It's too repetitive. It would be enough to say "It had seemed so important two hours ago." The dynamic between Sharon and her daughter is well done, and the entrance of her ex is a wonderful (well, terrible) cliffhanger. It definitely kept me reading.

At Leo's arrival, I was confused by her missing gun. The way it was phrased to begin with, I thought she had left it in the apartment or it had been taken by her ex. She didn't seem startled enough for it to have been taken by Leo. I do like the banter between the two of them, though Sharon seems much to trusting/familiar with him, since you've already told us that most of the people in Bear Country are escaped convicts. I would expect her to be a little less willing to accept his company. However, the twist with his identity was perfect. Even though I didn't quite trust him, I still wasn't expecting it. Nicely done.

Anna's summation of Sharon is awkward. They all start similarly, are about the same length, and it's just a list of things we already knew, which makes that section seem stilted. I'd suggest combining some of the sentences and making sure we can see Sharon's shock at how accurate her guesses are. Like with Leo, she seems to take this in stride way too easily.

Great ending! The writing is natural and clear. Wonderfully done.

This is a good read! And much different than what I expect to find in SF. I enjoyed it!

I thought the beginning of chapter one was a brilliant way (with the radio and conversation between Mother and Daughter) to dump alot of information on me without it feeling like that's what you were doing. Because the second paragraph was so strong, and felt like a movie, I was able to read everything else that followed easily.

For a few moments I thought maybe Dave might be in the room with the heroine, but then I realized it was from over the radio. This might just be me because I'm under the weather though because I went back and you clearly laid out that it was part of the radio interview.

The hook at the end of this section was very strong. Ex-husband and clobbering with a beer bottle? What's that all about! I definately wanted to read more to see what was going on.

I thought maybe in Chapter One you could throw a little bit of an explaination about the Sister West cult to kind of appease reader confusion. Or maybe implant a small hook that would drive the reader to continue.

I did like how it ended with finding out that the 'hero' was Leo West. That was definately an 'Uh Oh!" Moment.

Dear Dale

I have started to read your writing and must say that it is compelling. Already you have established your animated characters in my head, ( they are not leaving soon) and i feel strongly to back your book nowI have to wonder on this site at the
creations that come from peoples heads and of course the immense talent of those like yourself to animate
such colorful characters. I truly wish I had half your talent.

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also

The VERY best of luck to you

Denise
The Letter

Dear Dale

Reading at the present time, will comment later

Denise
The Letter

Dear Dale, I love your plight of your heroine to find her daughter & your mysterious Leo was great. :) The 30 pieces of silver was an added touch, of course referring to Judas selling Jesus. :) Your pitch drew me in & your storyline along with you nice crisp dialogue & paragraphs made for a smooth read. :) I've backed your book :) - could you please take a moment to back my memoir book? :) Thanks so much. :) Love, Susie :)

The Exchange

Dale Cozort

Very, very nice short pitch! I always believed that any place without lawyers or taxes would be paradise but you have proved me wrong! Read your pitches and first chapter. Very interesting setting and it was a treat following Sharon. Very active scenes including the one with the monkeys boiling out of the bush - quite aggressive they are. Have come into contact with green monkeys where I live but they are mainly gentle creatures and the worse they do is steal fruit off trees. Sharon is one tough lady. "I don't care if you're six-foot-four, outweigh me two to one and have my gun. If the mind-games don't stop right now, I'm going to tear off one of your arms and beat you with it." Would hate to get on her bad side! This is great writing. Your characters and scenes come to life easily and your overall plot as gleaned from your pitches seems highly creative and stimulating. Would love to return to read more when time permits. Happy to back you.

The Exchange?

"A tall man in a wife beater t-shirt..." like that.

So we've exchanged a bit of our world for somewhere else. And with it came a bear.

Ice age animals on steroids. Is this science to end global warming? Exchange for an ice age atmosphere?

This reminds me of Jumanji.

Now we have mad Darrel. Men aren't coming out of this well, so far. Oh well, maybe we don't deserve it.

Now she's in the other world. With Leo. Adam and Eve. And a coach-load of escaped prisoners.

She's chasing her hubby to get daughter back. He's joined the Alpha Kings?

Leo. The lion. King of the beasts? Leo West.

Compelling, original stuff. Got some gender politics in there amongst the rip-roaring adventure. Shelved, if you care.


Nick
"Mirror In The Sky"

Hi Dale

I have read a little and I prefer Sci-fi too. I like what I have read so far so I am backing your book. I will read some more when I return form my holiday.

I hope you can find some time to look at mine.

Happy New Year

Tony
Life Bringer

The Exchange

Hi Dale

This is simply a brilliant idea, a Stephen King level idea and it is written so tightly and so well. This is the kind of book I would sit down with and read cover to cover in one sitting, Well written, smooth, intriguing and exciting, what a fantastic idea. I think you can tell I rather like it. What is mysterious to me is that it is currently slipping down the charts, something must be done about that, perhaps you are busy off writing this book and completing it. Well done Dale, fantastic stuff. Real weirdness overlaid on the real world.

Perfect post-modern fantasy fair, well done
Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)
In case you hadn't realized from all my gushing - BACKED

Hi Dale, a lot of enticing elements in your first chapter - great scope for action and adventure. A gutsy and capable female lead and yet a sensitive mother, too. This reminds me of James Cameron's heroines. There's monsters - always a thumbs up from me for those boys - and an enticing other-worldly premise. There are villains and nasty Mad Max style street gangs who will surely show up later. It's an excellent start, and an unusual premise. It put me in mind of the best comic strips of 2000AD, (an extremely influential and creative british comic, which I'm sure you know). All the best

P

This is quite a world you've created here. An intense start with animals that appear on steroids and the Marines who are barely in control of the situation. Plenty of mystery here that keeps the reader guessing / wondering. And with Sharon looking for her daughter, you've created a character that the reader is immediately sympathetic toward. Love how the weather blends with the mood - or immenient danger. Only saw one typo - "Who care?..." The pace is good - I'm putting it on my shelf.

The casual way that you introduce the Exchange is great...right to it without clogging the reader up on background. Your concept is very unique and intriguing, I really like it. I do have some suggestions, but since reading is very subjective and these are the thoughts of one reader, please take what you want and throw the rest to the wind.

Avoid repeating words within the same scene or paragraph (steady stream, bear, truck), although some are harder to find synonyms for than others! Same with character names (Sharon) which can be replaced with pronouns, especially since she is the MC. A lot of paragraphs start with Sharon.

I wonder if the first chapter is a bit long...how many pages is it in the ms?

You have a fast pace with plenty of action to keep the reader intrigued by your unusual story. Shelved.

K. (Regression)

I really like how you jump right into the story without a lot of preamble and explanation and setup. That draws me in. You have a nice balance between description and dialogue which keeps the story moving. And the world you've created is suitable for the unique subject of this book. Well done!

Michael
The Last Coming Out Story

Hi Dale,

Thanks for backing 'The Changeling Detective' here are my comments on your first four chapters.

Comments on Chapter 1

You nicely explain the electricity supply for the radio station and then you go an drag up interesting questions about the water supply and sewage. Unless your entire water supply and sewage treatment system in self contained within your 8 mile diameter sphere then you are going to have serious problems with water-based services.

I'm a little confused about the comment concerning New Zealand being a fortunate first location for an exchange. If other exchange locations have had animals out of their normal environments, why couldn't the same thing have happen in the New Zealand one?

"she could push that out her mind" should be "she could push that out of her mind".

"If you didn't stop and look around something might sneak up on you." doesn't make sense to me.

Comments on Chapter 3

How does Leo know the way to his sister's camp? There hasn't been time for him to have been there and come back considering the young girl was taken by her father on the first day of the exchange and Sharon followed him into Bear Country that same afternoon.

General Comments

I can't help feeling that your telling the story too fast. Or to be precise developing the human drama side of the story too fast. You have a setting which people would enjoy you getting to know in detail yet your story is only novella in size. I would recommend slowing things down and putting in more details about Bear Country.

Keep writing.

Phillberrie.

This is very well written and the editing is exemplary. It reads well and shows some admirable style. I am still a little confused about the "Exchange" but am confident more will be revealed in time. The story, although still in its infancy to me, seems unique. I get so tired of reading formula stories. This is a true fantasy that may present an "Alice in Wonderland" quality.

DB

Hi Dale. What a pleasure to read about anture. Great informational piece. Your writing draws the reader into the wild environment which is a nice transition from city life. You do an outstanding job with showing and not telling. Placed on my shelf. Good luck. Janet Marie

Dear Dale,



Over the past four months I have spent three hundred hours providing page-long critiques but can no longer keep up with the volume. Also, four in ten writers whom I critique, resent me suggesting any kind of rewrite and punish me by not reciprocating the swap-read.

So I’m trying another way of passing on the information.

I will attempt to do better than critique your work by showing you how to judge it for yourself. Rather along the lines of give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, feed him for life.

Bear Country is on my bookshelf.

What I have set out below are guide-lines based on what I myself have learnt from being published.

The pitch is very important as among the book-lists which editors scan, your pitch stands alone with no support from the synopsis. I write the synopsis first, because a key sentence there is usually appropriate for the pitch.

A synopsis is not a dust-jacket advertisement. Aimed at a professional editor, it is a no-nonsense summary of what happens in the novel, including how the novel ends. Don’t leave the editor dangling and don’t ask her questions. Tell her.

Somerset Maugham said, ‘There are three rules for writing a successful novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.’

Correct. There are no rules for creativity. Think of Richard Bach’s Jonathon Livingstone Seagull. So way out, so creative it was rejected over a hundred times. Then it became a best seller.

There is one criterion though……. entertainment. Our writing must entertain from the very first sentence. There is no other reason for story-telling whether around a camp fire or in print..

I have struggled nine years to write three novels. Each written three times. One published, one lying fallow, Fig Tree currently in the process of being rewritten for the fifth time. Two literary agents requested the full manuscript but threw it back at me for a rewrite. So I am rewriting.

Based on what has happened to me, these are my thoughts on what editors want from us…………….

Plunge directly into the story. Do not set the scene or back-story first. When we go to a play and the curtain rises, we don’t see stage hands putting the props in place. The stage is already set. Likewise our opening paragraphs to the reader, the actors should immediately get on with it.

I have found that our opening chapter isn’t necessarily the first one we write. It might only occur to us when the novel is completed.

Let our characters drive the story-telling via dialogue, interplay and direct action. It’s stupid (although I am guilty of this) to have a stage set and silent characters frozen, while an off-stage narrator bores the audience with what is supposed to be happening on the stage.

Write minimal words because our readers’ brains race ahead of our words, visualizing the scene themselves, anticipating how our sentences end…… four times faster than they are reading. They become bored and frustrated by our overwriting, over description, unnecessary information. (I have been hauled over the coals for this.)

Write tight, sparse, lean, stark, bare bones. Adjectives and adverbs are for people who need a crutch to support their unimaginative nouns and verbs. Always seek the appropriate noun and verb.

(Read John Steinbeck’s field notes Journal of a Novel which he jotted down while he was writing East of Eden. He edited out as many adjectives and adverbs as possible, finding the appropriate noun or verb instead.)

My vocabulary is poor, so I use Roget’s Thesaurus which is a treasure. A real work-horse and a delight to use. It’s a companion that provides thousands of alternative words. Appropriate nouns and verbs are there for the picking.

Don’t write your scenes. Live them. Experience them. Meditate. Daydream yourself into them Watch what is happening. Listen to what the characters are saying. Smell the sweat or the aroma or whatever. Touch what the characters are touching. What do you feel? Taste the bile, the coffee, or the skin of the lover.

All communication is made through our senses. I wear earmuffs when I write, to help me leave this world and disappear into another universe which is the scene I’m trying to paint.

Are we stirring the emotions of the reader? Feeling is critically important. This can be achieved through good dialogue. Speak your dialogue aloud to hear what it sounds like. Is it natural? Do people really speak like that? Is it too formal? In the real world, we often don’t speak complete sentences. So dialogue can be truncated too.

In my opinion a novel must generate its own momentum, so readers experience it rather than read it. This can be achieved by dreaming it, experiencing it, living it, rather than writing it.

To avoid clumsiness I edit out the past participle ‘had’. I change ‘he had done it’ to ‘he did it’ It seems to make the action more immediate and more relevant.

I also dump words ending in ‘-ly’……. seemingly, clearly, obviously. actually, strangely, finally, eventually………. and all the others. Somehow they weaken our writing and make it vague.

Taking words out of our sentences and taking sentences out of long paragraphs, in my opinion, is the secret to better writing. I can easily cut my stuff between 20% and 50%.

I learnt this when a literary agent demanded I delete 40,000 words from my first novel of 120,000 words. I was shocked but I did it and the novel was published.

Fig Tree has already shed 16,000 words and I am currently rewriting it for the fifth time, tightening the writing as much as possible. I might dump another 6,000 words.

You may be interested in The Video Inside Our Heads, which is part of a confession I made about my idiocies in attempting to write. See, ‘How I Wrote and Sold My First Novel’ in Forum’s Writing section. It’s quite insane and you’ll probably laugh at me but it did work and I suppose that’s what matters..

I trust this is better than a critique and helps a little.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

This is one of the most original plots I have ever read. The pitch doesn't do it justice. I was confused at one part when Sharon was lying tied up on a tile floor and is suddenly in a wood with her gun missing. It was probably me but perhaps it would pay to check that bit? This tale would transfer easily to film or TV and would be equally impressive on either. On my shelf, Patrick Barrett, (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

The noraml beginning of a woman at the daughter at a window erupts into tension. I'm in my lunch time and have to return to work, but will read more later.

On my Watch List.

Joanna

I've read the four chapters you posted. This is a nicely paced story, full of action and believable characters. I like the way people are dealing with what's going on, not agonizing over why. Shelved.
Nancy

Dear Dale, Wow! I feel exhausted. I feel like I've been swept up by Snake Plissken and told that I've got to escape from New York in 12 hours! Bear Country is certainly all-action stuff, straight from the opening paragraphs. In fact, I had to reread the opening paragraphs several times before my mind had adjusted to the rollercoaster ride - first off, I was trying to read the Exchange as some kind of metaphor for a polite hand-over of custody rights of a child between parents, and it was only on about the third reading I twigged that no, it really is a great big alternative world scenario. A thoroughly entertaining read throughout, and I'd be interested to know where the story heads off to if you decide to post up more chapters. One for my bookshelf. With many thanks, Andrew (author of BIG FISH) - now in need of a sit-down.

Great fun! Frantic and polished. You write like pro! (professional, not prostitute). I wanna read more. Shelved.

Hi Dale,

I love it!! Seriously, when are you going to post more chapters??? This is a genuine page turner!

I'm definitely backing this book:)

Cheers-
Ci

Absolutely brilliant! Quite often on here I find a cracking pitch and then the actual novel is a let down, a bit like a great trailer for a movie and then you find that the trailer has the only good bits in it. Not so in this case. This is as much fun as a day at the funfair. Hight thrills, expertly written and even if I wanted to I can't think of anything negative to say about it.

Hi Dale, I was immediately drawn into your story, great opening and straight into the action. Sharon is a strong character, very convincing. This is well written with nothing I saw that needed changing. Your writing is very visual and it was easy for me to see it all in my mind, great eye for detail. No nit-picks from me just wishing you the best of luck with it - great stuff!
Best,
Annabelle
(Adelaide Short)

Dale, a quick read of bear country tells me I want to back it. You obviously know how to write, and I didn't find any issues that I could help you with. I usually can make some suggestions on sentence structure and what not, but not for you. And your story is engaging and fun to read - good job!

your pitch blew me away-totally unexpected.

what a great and original idea-quantum leap meets the lost world, with an extra helping of everything.

i got really caught up in the story, so nitpicks sort of went out of the window. although i deel feel you told us somethings twice, like you didn't think we understood themn the first time. e.g. you tell us they swap realities and then tell us there's a bit of that there and a bit of that there-maybe unecessary-but please feel free to ignore.

one i'd love to read, if you ever put it all up, or get it published_SHELVED-TJ

Hi Dale,
I’ve only read one and a bit chapters of this but it’s enough to know I want more. Sharon has guts and character, while Leo has interest and mystery. Good combination. And yes, having had close encounters with kangaroos I agree they are dangerous animals, especially when hungry. This should do well. It’s good writing and I’m putting it on my shelf because I like it. Um, she's Susan in the long pitch and Sharon in the story. (minor glitch)
Regards,

Hi, well i've finally got round to reading all you posted and still very much enjoying it. I do think you could do with looking at chapter two again, i felt it was a bit overly long with not too much happening - the storm didn't come across as ferocious enough to keep them in the truck, and i would be inclined to suggest you combine chap2 and 3, to get to the flash flood a bit quicker - that Leo and Sharon fancy each other is obvious and i think can be played down a little. In chapter 4, there was a lot going on, and i did get a bit confused with the names, so maybe slow this one down a bit to give the reader a chance to pick up what is happening - a lot of info is imparted quickly. But despite my nit picks, i love this book and would most deffo buy it in a shop. thanks.

Hey Dale!

After all your posts on authonomy, I figured the least I could do was drop by. You really have a remarkable story, here. Beautifully crafted. :)

The beginning is excellent. You give a lot of information, but your delivery through the radio broadcast helps avoid infodumping. The only thing that really snagged me was a sentence in the first paragraph, where you say "They had seemed so important two hours ago and an hour ago." It's too repetitive. It would be enough to say "It had seemed so important two hours ago." The dynamic between Sharon and her daughter is well done, and the entrance of her ex is a wonderful (well, terrible) cliffhanger. It definitely kept me reading.

At Leo's arrival, I was confused by her missing gun. The way it was phrased to begin with, I thought she had left it in the apartment or it had been taken by her ex. She didn't seem startled enough for it to have been taken by Leo. I do like the banter between the two of them, though Sharon seems much to trusting/familiar with him, since you've already told us that most of the people in Bear Country are escaped convicts. I would expect her to be a little less willing to accept his company. However, the twist with his identity was perfect. Even though I didn't quite trust him, I still wasn't expecting it. Nicely done.

Anna's summation of Sharon is awkward. They all start similarly, are about the same length, and it's just a list of things we already knew, which makes that section seem stilted. I'd suggest combining some of the sentences and making sure we can see Sharon's shock at how accurate her guesses are. Like with Leo, she seems to take this in stride way too easily.

Great ending! The writing is natural and clear. Wonderfully done.

Hi Dale. This is brilliant and completely different to what I expected. Your pitch sounded a touch complicated but your first chapter sets things out clearly and succinctly. It really is a great read and for the first time EVER on Authonomy, I didn't find a single typo, awkward sentence, or anything at all I'd want to change. Highly polished and professional.
This is one I'd definitely buy in the shops and I trust it'll be there soon.
On the shelf,
Cas.

Dale,
this is a really intriguing concept and I can see it as a film as it's very visual eg. when the line between our world and bear country cuts through the parking lot. I certainly enjoyed it and hope it does well.
Cheers,
Simon

Dale,

Thanks for your comments.

I don't have to tell you that you have a lot of good worldbuilding happening here. While I've read of the principle of swapping worlds before, I like the idea of a world with lots of dangerous animals, a world in which humans are threatened.
I will say a few things about the delivery, but please remember that it's only my opinion which you are free to ignore as you see fit.
Radical question: do you need the first scene? To use the words I hate hearing myself 'nothing really happens' in this scene. Sharon stares out the window. OK, there's some 'stuff' happening outside, but she's only a spectator. The rest of the scene functions solely to hang infodumping on, especially the radio interview. In that part I had a very strong 'and now the author will lecture at the reader how the world sticks together' feeling. Moreover, a lot of what is explained to the nth degree in the first scene is then shown in the second scene (from where Sharon stands on the hill). I really prefer the showing, and I don't think we need to have all this stuff explained to us. The second scene does just fine in terms of clueing the reader in. There is also a lot more action. Occasionally Leo still slips into dialogue for the benefit of the reader, and I feel this could be reduced. You don't need to explain everything in the first chapter. You have a whole book to do that. I agree that it's important for readers to know, but some explanation could probably be moved to later in the book.

Dale,
This is an intriguing idea. I like it a lot. It's well written and is a great adventure. I had two things I wanted to bring up. When the exchange happens you have 4 entitities, our world, our exchange place, bear country, and the bear country exchange. When you talked about Bear Country it was a little fuzzy whether you were talking about the exchange or the world. You might take a look at that.
Also, the title. I'm sorry, but it sounds like a ride at Disneyland. You're talking about a vicious place that these exchanges are done with, and the title sounds more like a trip to Yellowstone. I think the title needs to sound a bit more threatening and ominous. Ice Age World Exchange......or something like that.
And your cover, maybe something a bit more scary?
Sorry to be critical. The story is good and putting it on my shelf.

Dale. I thought I had commented earlier, but I guess it was only in my head. I love the originality of your story and find the setting and inhabitants are quite fascinating. I particularly like the way you make the fantastic aspects seem so real. I am also glad that you don't try to data dump everything about the mechanics of the exchanges and the like because I'd rather get that information in dribs and drabs, keep the story flowing and maintain some mystery. This is the kind of book that I would purchase if I saw it on a shelf.

I think this has potential, but there was one big unanswered question which bugged me - why the exchanges? I didn't understand why, or how the sections of the world were swapped. You gave a lot of backstory and information in the radio broadcast which I felt was slightly planted. Why was there a radio broadcast? Who were they broadcasting to? I think I must be tired today, and missing the main point of everything I read, but I am truly trying to be helpful. If Sharon knew what was going to happen, why didn't she get herself and Allyssa out? I think that Leo was an interesting character, and I really enjoyed the switch of revolvers and double bluff at the end of the chapter. I didn't notice any typos and it read smoothly. There was quite a lot of dialogue - but then I can see this as a TV serial along the lines of one we have here on Saturday evenings.
Good luck with this. Sorry I couldn't be more help.
Tricia

Hi Dale, I've just read the first chapters of Bear Country - I like the premise, and the characters, and your writing is flawless. The biggest difficulty I had was the immediacy of the romance between Susan and Leo, especially given the situation she was in (focused on tracking her daughter); it was the only part that felt wooden and predictable. I would also have liked reading more about how she regained consciousness and how she escaped from being tied up - though maybe that's coming later, and maybe there's a reason for it.

Good story, and I've shelved it.

As you're into alternate histories, I'd be glad of your opinion of my 'Gospel According to the Romans' - this is not so much an alternate history, as an alternate view and understanding of the same facts. Any thoughts that you have on it in this way would be interesting to me.

Best,

Robin

Hello Dale,

This is a strange world you're describing, with many questions to be answered. Your writing is strong and easy to read. I'll confess I'm not a huge SF fan, so feel unqualified to make much of a comment here, except I was confused at Sharon staying, when she wished to take her daughter and flee - although clearly there wouldn't have been much of a story then!

Anyway, wishing you luck with this.

Kat
DFYLP

Excellent so far and shelved. Will be back for more. One small point, when the scene changes to Sharon in Bear Country, i thought she was in a truck - maybe need to rework that paragraph. Incredible imagination, reads as totally plausible, yet way out.

Dale,

I’m wearing many hats as I read this: reader, writer, copyeditor, and ultimately…fan.

Disclaimer up front: I don’t read science fiction much (the last one I read was “The Handmaiden’s Tale”), but my oldest son is a huge SF buff…particularly Isaac Asimov. I think he would really like what you've created here, a bizarre world populated by a jarring mix of animals. I have to applaud your imagination here, Dale, the surreal idea of The Exchange.

Clever use of the radio program to introduce the concept of the Exchange without turning it into a huge info-dump. Interjecting with the dialogue of mother and daughter was flawless. And - ouch - that painful visit from her ex-husband.

At the beginning of chapter 2, I wanted Sharon to scream or kick or something about the fact that those nut-cakes had her daughter! So it was hard for me to believe the conversation that ensued with her being so calm. Perhaps she went rigid inside or she felt a clutch of fear, not wanting to reveal her true emotions.

That flash flood was exciting! And rescuing the monkey added a spark of humor in all that debris. Got a kick out of the name “Fred” for the monkey. Liked the cliff-hangers at the end of each chapter…great hooks to spur on the reader’s interest.

Minor nits:

- CH 1: confused by “She surprised a strange, intent look” – is this supposed to be “She was surprised by a strange”

- CH 2: say ‘trust me’.” - single quote goes outside of period along with the double quotes.

- CH 2: mentioned “looked over” a couple of times. Maybe use “glanced at” as a substitute or something similar.

- CH 2: remove the period in front of “Sharon looked at the ruts.”

- CH 2: remove comma from “southwest, and”

- CH 2: confused by “in one of his many mean drunks” – did you mean to say “many mean drunken moods”

- CH 3: “showed no sign aggression” – add “of” before “aggression.”

- CH 3: “vanishing into the” – the rest of the line is obscured by a blue line.

Wild stuff here, Dale, loaded with adventure, obstacles, and a cast of characters we care about. Thoroughly enjoyed my fantastic voyage through Bear Country…you’re a great tour guide. Shelved.

Dale -

You've got a great concept here, and I like your writing style. This is good stuff. Your dialogue flows smoothly, and you easily convey the back story while keeping the book moving forward. But I've read the previous posts, and know you've heard all of this. So I've decided to take on the role of nit-picker! The story is so cool and I want to do my part to help you make it as fantastic as possible. Hopefully, my comments will help.

"They had seemed so important two hours ago and an hour ago." It sounds a little redudant without explanation.

The end of the first para is 'Exchange,' then you start the next para with 'The Exchange.' I think using the same word so close together shouldn't be done so soon in the book. Although it's small, and fine for later, an editor/agent's eye will be more critical in the beginning of the read.

Which world came to which? There were a few times when I got confused about this point. You mention the World came to Bear Country, but other elements suggest it was the other way around. Another time yousaid cloudless air "brought over from" the World. Isn't Sharon in the World?

Rockport, Illinois - add the comma

"They didn't back in the World. The climates are pretty much the same." The two statements don't pair up well. Did you mean, "They didn't back in the World, though the climates are pretty much the same?"

When she first meets Leo, you should write that he hands her the gun instead of inferencing it through dialogue.

I'd make sure everything is left-justified so it doesn't look so ragged.

That's Chapter One. Please let me know if you want me to keep providing you with little comments. I'm going to read it anyway -- I'm hooked! I hope you don't take my observations to critically. You have a great book and I really do love it. I expect this to continue rising up the ranks!

- Janene Murphy

I love the premise. Good stuff. I don't have time to read much more at the moment (only 1 chapter) but I can see it is setting up to be a fun ride. I'm shelving for now but will return to read on.

I'm glad you brought this to my attention. You were right about it appealing to King fans. Excellent premise. That intrigued me right away. Great dialogue. Witty and sharp. Sharon and Leo have certainly held my interest. I don't have any crits for this as it was a smooth read and I didn't even think to look at it with a critical eye. I suppose there's nothing else to say then other than I'll certainly put you on my self for a bit.

What an interesting read. I was intrigued by the premise from the beginning and it did not disappoint. There were a ot of questions thrown into the readers mind but I am willing to wait to have them answered. Actually I think they drive the story forward and make the reader anxious to come back for more. Highly enjoyable overall and worth a quick shelving.
Stauna

Hi Dale, This is my kind of sci-fi - ie not the space ships kind - and I was sucked into this immediately. I did wonder at the start why she was waiting for the Exchange -it was clear that it wasn't the most sensible course of action - but I'm presuming that is something we will learn later on. For the time being I can take it as is.
I found t a little bit hard to grasp the concept - as to why they wouldn't get back to the same place once the Exchange reversed? I don't know if its something I'm missing or whether you need to explain that a bit more. The idea of evacuating people so that they didn't make the animals antagonistic to them just in case animals escape into the normal world is novel. - But doesn't that sit awkwardly with the fact that these animals can clearly still be very dangerous to humans?
I like the feistiness of Sharon, and the introduction of Leo is an interesting complication, especially when she twigs that he is somehow connected to Sister West. (I didn't see that coming - not sure if you need to give some hint of how she knows?) lots of questions here - Is Leo good or evil? Ditto Sister West and the whole cult bit? Can they be good if her ex-husband is involved?
Anyway this looks a promising plot, as long as the answers are forthcoming.
I hope my thoughts on this are useful, going on my watchlist just now,
Margaret (Munro's Choice - if you've time to take a quick look before tomorrow's deadline I'd be really grateful.)

M.D.: Thanks for the read. As to the two problems you point to: I do give some details of why USMC didn't evacuate the town more thoroughly in Chapter 4. I may need to look into moving it up a bit. The problem is time. The marines barely have time to get there, much less organize a house-to-house. An Exchange can happen anywhere in the world with a warning time of 3 hours. The marines only have to worry about the US, but that's a lot of territory. During those 3 hours the marines have to (a) Load equipment and men from the nearest base(s) onto whatever helicopters are available, with anything that doesn't fit in the available helicopters going either by road or by transport aircraft to the nearest airport and then by road from there (b) Get the equipment and manpower to the Exchange site (c) Unload and organize. (d) Set up a double perimeter around the Exchange area. They'll need a line outside the Exchange line to keep dangerous animals from Bear Country inside the Exchanged area. They'll need a line inside the area that's going to be exchanged to protect the town and keep Bear Country animals from being there in large numbers when the Exchange ends. That would be bad because we don't want them in our world, especially the monkeys and bats.

The Exchange area is roughly 100 square miles. I worked out the number of miles in diameter and the perimeter at one time, but I don't have it in front of me. It's big though--too big for the number of marines you could get into the area in a supportable way to even control, much less do a house-to-house in the time between their arrival and the Exchange.

I did work all of this out--a detailed timetable of who would arrive when and what their most logical priority tasks would be given a set of parameters: where the nearest marines would be, how much they could transport by helicopter, how close to the Exchange site the nearest airport was, etc. I feel confident that the marines would not have time to do a house to house.

As to why Sharon stayed: That's tougher. Why do people stay in the path of hurricanes? I wouldn't, but a lot of people do. They stay to protect their homes. They stay because they don't want to spend time as refugees on cots or the floor of some gymnasium with no privacy--among people they may or may not like. It may not be a rational choice but it is one a lot of people make. In the first paragraph of the first chapter Sharon looks at her home and realizes too late that it wasn't worth staying to defend. She made a mistake, but an understandable one. Clinging to a house, furniture, TV, family pictures gets a lot of people killed in disasters, but it's a human reaction.

Hey Dale;

I like the story and I find the premise to be very, very interesting. One thing is really working me up, though. It's that I don't know what the mother's motivation to stay in town is/was. If I knew I had three hours to get the heck out of Dodge, I'd be doing it. I also just don't find it believable that the USMC wouldn't have evacuated the town.

If they had done that, but hadn't finished the house to house and the mother was scared that would be one thing, but as it sits I have a lot of trouble believing her character.

Sorry to be so particular about this, but its pretty close to a show-stopper for me. If maybe they were hiding in the basement as the USMC or the national guard was doing a house to house or something, that would be different.

Also, a small thing, I think her ex would have to knock rather than ring the bell.

I'm going to let the story perculate a bit and give it a further read in a bit.

If someone had handed me these chapters and told me this was a sequel by an established author, and had asked me to take a guess as to which author and what novel Bear Country was sequel to, I wouldn't have hesitated---Stephen King & The Fog---picking up the storyline years later (one of my all-time favorites, by the way).

And yes, Bear Country is THAT good! A masterfully written story, with flawless characterizations and flowing, eight cylinder dialogue driven text that sucks the reader in like a turbocharged vacuum cleaner. I instantly bonded with Susan and loved--- "I brought my daughter into a world full of ice age animals, escaped convicts and tornadoes"---what a marvelous line!

Then, right in the midst of the temporal displacement background fill up, along comes Darrel and the beer bottle---a totally unexpected twist! Great technique. Then Susan's waking up in Bear country---Leo West---saving the monkey in the flood---the arrival of the "calvary" (with a female C.O. and in Humvees none the less)---this is really good stuff!

Loved everything about this, except the brevity of the post. More, please...

This is an interesting world you are creating. I will be back to read more.

This is a good read! And much different than what I expect to find in SF. I enjoyed it!

I thought the beginning of chapter one was a brilliant way (with the radio and conversation between Mother and Daughter) to dump alot of information on me without it feeling like that's what you were doing. Because the second paragraph was so strong, and felt like a movie, I was able to read everything else that followed easily.

For a few moments I thought maybe Dave might be in the room with the heroine, but then I realized it was from over the radio. This might just be me because I'm under the weather though because I went back and you clearly laid out that it was part of the radio interview.

The hook at the end of this section was very strong. Ex-husband and clobbering with a beer bottle? What's that all about! I definately wanted to read more to see what was going on.

I thought maybe in Chapter One you could throw a little bit of an explaination about the Sister West cult to kind of appease reader confusion. Or maybe implant a small hook that would drive the reader to continue.

I did like how it ended with finding out that the 'hero' was Leo West. That was definately an 'Uh Oh!" Moment.

Dale

This is a very different premise to most other things that I have read recently and has some fantastic possibilities. The Exchange has the feel about an SF movie from a couple of years ago, but in that case it was bubbles of time passing over and changing everything. Can't remember the name of it, but your story is much better.

Nitpicks. Not many. You have a good set-up, but I was confused about the convicts, Sister WEst and the beer bottle in the face until you explained everything in Chapters Two and Three. No biggy, but perhaps incorporating an explanation earlier might explain things a little better. You have a funny dark-blue background in Chapter Three for about five or six words, which stands out. Apart from that, this is really tight.

Good stuff. As I said, tight story line, great idea, loved the world building and I'm hooked. You are shelved and I will give you a free plug on my SF/F thread as I enjoyed it so much.

Cheers

Rayo