case 11512

Intigue at its best. A great pitch and beautiful cover set this book off nicely. Compelling,thought provoking. Backed with pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

bl: both pitched work. I do apologize for the lack of a proper comment but I am leaving for the weekend and it's late here. Let me know if you want a proper comment upon my return and I will read more as soon as I have a chance. For now, enjoy the BACKING. I can use your comment on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

CASE 11512
This is an interesting story; an updated look at “Big Brother is watching”. I like the way you intersperse the coded messages with what the families are doing; kept me want to keep reading to see how this “sphere” entity works. I think you’ll find an audience for this among non sci-fi and sci-fi fans alike because basically, it’s such a good story. I’m adding it to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 4th place but only holding on by my teeth. Burgio

ominous start and complex drama begins to unfold at good pace

good scene setting with the families mourning in church, after we know that albert has been marked for doom . the characters are the sort everyone knows, yet there is a twist in the tale, the reader senses it .

intriguing, layered, should appeal greatly to readers of the genre

i’m giving this a spin on my rotating shelf and wish you luck with it

freddie
("honour")

Hi BL

A very intriguing beginning to your story, which sets the reader up nicely. I found the introduction of so many names at the funeral a tad confusing, so maybe that's something to look at. Do you need so many right there? I warmed to Alpha as I read on, and can see the plot developing. A terrific idea, all in all, and happy to pop on my shelf. Nicky. (The Changeling tree.)

BL
You have a very suspenseful story working here with lots of potential. Okay we have a hit and run and people out for justice. Will be interesting to see how Albert handles the guilt. The Alpha dialogue is nice and crisp but most of the other dialogue could use a word trim. Long wordy dialogue doesn't sound natural. For example:
"I am definitely not comfortable when the young people die too soon."
Trim it to something like,
"What a shame." or even just "Shame." Some of the narrative could also use a trim cut where words and phrases are repeated.
I really like your story though. Just write it all the way through, that's the hard part. Editing is easy.
Good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Interesting plot, nice suspense, good characters. A good read over all!

One nit - don't be afraid of contractions. A good dose of "don't," "I'm," "can't," etc. will keep this from sounding stilted as it does now in places. Make sure you use them in dialog, particularly. It's much more natural.

Shelved.

Hi bl. i like Case 11512 enough to back - i'm certainly intrigued to know what happens and you write well on an unusual concept. There are a few areas where you need to make it a bit more clear. When you say that 'Timothy had wrested with the dead young man....' this sentence does not make sense to me. Also look out for repetitions of words like high school and try to cut out any words that don't add to the sory like 'a bit' good luck with it. Rob

Hello bl. I have to confess that this is not the kind of tale that I would normally read, and I found the style difficult to get used to at first. However, once I got into it I became intrigued by the plot. The writing is very direct and unfussy, and the tale is very imaginative. Good luck with it.

This is terrific, scary stuff, and will have its readers frantically turning the pages. It has a strong plot, and excellent dialogue. Back with enthusiasm. Best wishes, Tony.

Hooked from the first moment! A well written story which I would like to read more of when I have the time!

Shelved

Jo xx

Spoilt

This is gripping, fast-paced and downright chilling stuff. Even more so because of the numerical efficiency involved in these diabolical cases. The fact they can go wrong with "an innocent killed" makes it even more intense. This is a top notch thriller.
I would buy it. The writing is splendid.
Backed.

Love the way you number your chapters. This is an intense thriller, cold and calculated. Your dialogue is genius: "Look, I do not go to your fucking hole in the ground to do your job, do I? Don't you even fucking tell me how to do mine. Call me if there's another one. If not, leave me the fuck alone." Love it.
WL.

I am sorry but I found the begining confusing and so a stumbling block. I realised this is future music but the changes of scene and the interation between Albert and his family distracting from what I sense to be a good strong story line. I cetainly get the sense of a less than sympathetic organisation over viewing people's lives but would have liked an clarification of their role early on. I get the feeling I am missing the point, very frustrating!
Good luck with this - you have been on my shelf for a few days!

Andrew, Thanks for the comment. Appreciate you looking at the book. I am trying to find time do be more interactive with Authonomy. Once I do, I will be sure to take a look at your novel and comment back to you. Thanks again!

Case 11512

Hi bl,

This has a really strong narrative current, it pulses along and I was hooked. What a fascinating future-scape you have created, really quite terrifying, great characters, good dialogue, enjoyed thoroughly, only wish I had time to read to the end. My hope is that Albert gives them a run for their money...best wishes and good luck - Andrew W.

Case 11512

Hi bl,

This has a really strong narrative current, it pulses along and I was hooked. What a fascinating future-scape you have created, really quite terrifying, great characters, good dialogue, enjoyed thoroughly, only wish I had time to read to the end. My hope is that Albert gives them a run for their money...best wishes and good luck - Andrew W.

A surfer in Calgary??? Oh, the misery. Thanks for the comments and compliments on case 11512. I am trying to find time do be more involved with Authonomy. Once I do, I will be sure to take a look at your novel and comment back to you. I should also spend some time editing 11512. Belated, happy canada day (it was just that right?)

This is really good. I was a little confused by so many names in the first chapter, and maybe you could put something other than 1,2,3. But other than that I really liked it! Cut to the chase, lots of emotion, a touch of mystique while the reader wonders who or “what” Alpha is… a little over my head I must say, but I still found the story fascinating.

In #3, I would take out the first ‘fucking’…it takes away from the strength of the second one. (Leave me the fuck alone)

Thomas in turn was a quiet, experimenting boy who has deeply been in love with Amy’s daughter. (Sentence is awkward…perhaps it would be better if you put “who was deeply in love with Amy’s daughter.”)

Best of luck! I'll stick you on my shelf for a turn.

I noticed you backed “Damn You.” Thanks :) What did you think of it?
Cheryl

Hope your "sort out" is working out!! Thanks for taking the time to look at 11512. Tried to make this "once step over" still on the believable side. Hopefully it continues to work. I am trying to find time do be more involved with Authonomy. Once I do, I will be sure to take a look at your novel and comment back to you. I should also spend some time editing 11512. I hope you have a great 4th.

Case 11512...

From the title to the tone of the novel to the theme--it all fits together. Yes, the tone is a bit distant and so one doesn't connect as much to the characters as is typically expected, but I think it works. I sometimes think this future is here, don't you?

I love thought-provoking novels. You're shelved.

Cheers,
Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places)

Sheryl,

Thanks for the read. Oh yes, the tone. Hopefully it works, can't seem to shake the "distance' . I am trying to find time do be more involved with Authonomy. Once I do, I will be sure to take a look at your novel and comment back to you. I should also spend some time editing 11512. I hope you have a great 4th.


Cheers,
Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places)

Melissa,

Thank you for the kind words. It always feels good to know others like something you have done. I am trying to find time do be more involved with Authonomy. Once I do, I will be sure to take a look at your novel and comment back to you. I shoudl also spend some time editing 11512. I hope you have a great 4th.

Wow what a great book - I've read everything you have posted and hope you post more soon. This is a heart racing read that pulls in the reader effortlessly. Shelved.

All the Best,

Melissa

Wow what a great book - I've read everything you have posted and hope you post more soon. This is a heart racing read that pulls in the reader effortlessly. Shelved.

All the Best,

Melissa

Case 11512...

From the title to the tone of the novel to the theme--it all fits together. Yes, the tone is a bit distant and so one doesn't connect as much to the characters as is typically expected, but I think it works. I sometimes think this future is here, don't you?

I love thought-provoking novels. You're shelved.

Cheers,
Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places)

There is a computer like precision to your prose, which matches the plot. It starts off with something like Logan's Run, where your time is up and you get hunted down. Or perhaps there's an element of Brave New World with Alphas. Are others called Betas, and so on? In chapter two, there is a distance. Perhaps if we heard a few of the priest's words. But I couldn't help thinking - hey, I used to be a wrestler. Chapter three adds to the mystery - what went wrong? Why are they assigning people to die? Is that what they are doing? All of these questions leaving me hungry to read more. In chapter four we find out how he died and in chapter five there are some added complications.

All and all, I'd say you have a good plot that is well paced. You leave us curious about what is going on as we watch complications of the system arise. Curious to see what happens as Albert's days come to an end. I'll back you on the strength of those elements. I would like to feel a little more for your characters, but your story is strong enough that I can overlook that. Shelved.

This is really good. I was a little confused by so many names in the first chapter, and maybe you could put something other than 1,2,3. But other than that I really liked it! Cut to the chase, lots of emotion, a touch of mystique while the reader wonders who or “what” Alpha is… a little over my head I must say, but I still found the story fascinating.

In #3, I would take out the first ‘fucking’…it takes away from the strength of the second one. (Leave me the fuck alone)

Thomas in turn was a quiet, experimenting boy who has deeply been in love with Amy’s daughter. (Sentence is awkward…perhaps it would be better if you put “who was deeply in love with Amy’s daughter.”)

Best of luck! I'll stick you on my shelf for a turn.

I noticed you backed “Damn You.” Thanks :) What did you think of it?
Cheryl

Hi BL
Good start to your story.
Here are the notes I wrote in Word as I read:
* Should “sphere” be capitalised?
* I wondered about the word “certainly” in the synopsis. It jumped out a few times as I read. Do a search and see if you reduce the number. It’s a weak word.
* Delete unnecessary words e.g. “the pastor watched the scene…” _ delete “the scene”. Going back to the start: do we need “from his access” – I wasn’t even sure what it meant. There were quite a few of these. It’s a painful process, but your writing will be tighter if you can be brutal. Find the right words and cut out anything that is superfluous.

I read to the end of your chapter 8. I like the way you alternate between Alpha and the target. Alpha’s chapter end well, because they are simple, however Albert’s seemed weak with the exception of chapter 6. Give the reader a little more tension. Take a look at Harlen Coben or Sam Bourne’s thrillers. Nearly all the chapters end with a hook (subtle or blunt) to make you want to turn the page.
Good luck with this. It’s shelved.
Chris (I Dare You)

I'm happy with this, and I will back it.. Anything that follows is because I am editing my own work and I'm far too into 'details.'

But you know there's but, right?

Alpha sat [complexed].

I am troubled!!

Hey, I'm Jo Average, but the the word so affected me it spoilt my concentration. It's an 'odd' word, and in the context of the 'odd' text... it fits - but it doesn't.- Perplexed, vexed and confused all compressed into one word doesn't work for me.

Other than that it's all little details. Last short paragraph of chapter one. Albert walked [twice] - locked [thrice] the door [thrice]

Second last paragraph of chapter one. 2 x quickly, 1 x slowly + 1 x easily.. that adverb police will hang you. But I'm not the adverb police and these are minor details.

Good luck with this... On my shelf - shortly.

And... Do you think your pitch would be more inviting formatted in short paragraphs with white space.

Albert Smith made a horrible mistake one night. Then, he ran hoping to hide it, but The Sphere sees everything and demands one thing: justice.

For four days, Albert was given the chance to redeem himself, protect his family, and even an unpaid score. The Sphere’s men with no faces and strange names told Albert to confess. He refused, and so, they began. In bloody gyms, in tower offices and around the country.

The Sphere knows where the future will be and who will be there. In its world, the people are cases with their lives watched. Case 11512 started with Albert Smith as the target. Certainly this was not the first case started. It will not be the last.

Dear BL,
In plot and crafting, this is one of the most exciting books I've read on the site. There's a cold quietness in your work, and certainly that sense of foreboding. I feel an almost prophetic warning in it. Is this where society will go? Or are we already there? When you can evoke these kinds of thoughts and feelings from a reader early on, you have the potential of a winning manuscript.

The story opens with a lone man at a lone computer. He's at his job, but we know nothing more. Alpha finishes -- terminates -- his last task, case 11511. As soon as he has done that, he gets the next, 11512. Then the simple description. A man's name and address. A time frame - 4 days. Alpha acknowledges. Although very little information was given, my mind was racing through the implications. This is a death mission. Somebody will die in 4 days.

Scene change to a funeral. This scene was well-written, very touching. It is written from the POV of Albert (the name given in Alpha's new mission). Immediately I see the connection between the two scenes, and I'm totally hooked. A high-school boy, Justin, is dead - killed by a hit and run. Albert's family is grieving, especially his younger son, Thomas. The family of the victim, the Woodards, are devastated. Amy is Thomas' girlfriend. Through narrative that feels natural, we learn that Justin was a wrestler, a good kid.

Scene change to a quick glimpse of a man going into a hotel room. He looks like a wreck. A call comes in and he responds that the job got done. Don't tell him how to do his job. This is a quick and fascinating piece of the puzzle and I know we're seeing the hit man who we learn is named Sierra.

Scene change back to the families, now gathered at Albert's home. Thomas and Amy smoke weed in his room. There's a flashback to the burial when Amy screamed "I'll find you." Then we fan back to Alpha, a new message. A code 112 - I. I found this particularly fascinating. Alpha has to go to the old, dusty manual to find out what this code means. Oh, and when he finds out the stakes are rising in this game. Yes, they were going to do it. Sierra would go down.

Scene back to the families, this time the two mothers. With the implications heating up on every other level, I didn't gain much from this scene, except that Amy (Justin's mom) also wants to find the dirver and kill him. In my opinion this was the only scene that didn't build the tension and became a diversion to get on to the good stuff.

Luckily, the next scene is totally hot. Back to Alpha - a note has been added to case 11512 - Confession (of) Thomas Smith, 18. OMG, what did Albert do? Then, over to 11513 - yes Sierra will be terminated. At that moment Alpha hates his job. Final scene in the chapter - a note. In Albert's bathroom, of all places. "Confess by Firday or the quiet one as repayment."

The plot flow is fabulous, but some of that brilliance will be missed. I think you need to do a cleansing edit to bring out the gold here. I suggest you may want to get rid of many (or all) adverbs like quietly, gently, slowly, easily, quickly. They don't add to the story, and they're in the way. Also, if you tighten up phrasing, the story will flow faster. Just a couple examples "He took a seat on the toilet seat." - edited: he sat on the toilet seat. These are small, easy edits that will make such a big difference - for instance, when Alpha takes out the book and dust fall "A pile of dust and the like fell on him and to the ground." Consider something as simple as "dust flew all over him."

I had one moment of confusion, but maybe I'll understand later. In the text of the summary of 1511, the mention of undressed and raped. Did you mean CWilliard? Or JWilliard? I wondered about that.

So, as you put some time in polishing this up, which in your case I think is more just eliminating what is unnecessary, the brilliance of the plot will shine. It's a great story and deserves much attention!

Shelved,
Lizzi
(Dionysus)

bl,
This is crisp, taut, and moves along well. I like the little snippets that keep us up to speed but also keep us on edge. Great juxtaposition of cold efficiency and human emotion.
My only concern is the funeral sequence. In the course of one page you introduce us to Albert, Karen, Timothy, Thomas, Justin, John, Amy, Angie, and the Pastor. Two difficulties; you've got two "T" names, two "J" names and two "A" names. That is difficult enough to sort out, but you introduce them to us in such quick succession that we have a hard time sorting them out. I know to the author, it's easy to keep them straight, but I think the reader gets a bit bewildered here.
Other than that, well done. On my shelf.
Jeff

Hi there,
This is intriguing, it has a real atmosphere to it. I feel for Albert from the get-go, what a nightmare his life turns into. You show his emotions well, how he deals with what he faces.
The Sphere is a great invention, it's menacing, the men with no faces is a freaky idea, this adds a real chill.
This is well written, there is an edginess to it. I'm not going to nit-pick the technical stuff as others will do that for you. SHELVED!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Hi bl. Excellent at showing and not telling. Surprising layers of plot and subplots. Smooth delivery of action with little backstory. Humanized characters with weaknesses and strengths revealed early in story. Fantastic choice to provide scenes in the villian's POV which intensifies suspense and creates a mystery. Electrifying building up stakes and rising emotions through first chapter, which ends with a life at risk. Shelved. Good luck. Janet Marie

BL,

Some quick comments here. All my opinion of course.
Technically, this is well-written, and economically worded.
I have a bit of a problem with the story flow and logic, though. It might be just me, but I don't see how these short vignette chapters are related. It seems to me there is info missing, too. I don't quite 'get' what Alpha & co are trying to do in chapter 1. I don't know why the funeral in chapter 2 is important. You describe the characters well, but I'm wondering: why do we need to know this? Why do we need to have all these short scenes about this family? Who is the man who died? How did he die? Is it even important, since it's Albert the others are after? What do they want him for? I'm afraid it's just not coherent enough for me. That said, a few well-placed sentences could clear it up, but I think you need a stronger thread.