The Greater Darkness

Dean.
Outstanding writing combined with a compelling plot - that's how I see your novel. It is just a question of getting it before the public. It goes on my shelf. J.

Dean - Okay, when I saw this was about vampires, my first thought was "not another vampire book." Well, it took me all of 30 seconds to get hooked. You have a wonderful command of the language. Your style is descriptive without being too flowery - it matches the story well. It's going on my bookshelf! - Janene

Fantastic Plot- you have my backing.

Dean, I am a lover of twists and turns, throw in the odd vampire notes and I am hooked. Backed gracefully,


Rionach Kerrians

Ps If you would like another vamp not vamp story take a peek.....SHOAN

Wow…I saw your book and perused it and was drawn into it. What a great beginning chapter! Lots of action, wonder and suspense. Held my attention. Nothing I could see that needed to be fixed except maybe the one sentence:

**To cause the boy’s head to rebound off of the wall. (Don’t need the “of”)

I’ll put you up on my shelf for a bit (I tend to juggle it around a bit) and I’ll be back to read more. Check out my book if you like.
Cheryl

"Vampires?" she thought, raising a skeptical eyebrow. "That once wild and fascinating forest path which is now braided and Rice-packed into a concrete super-highway?" But the hook snagged in her jaw --- she'd been wrong before... She leaned forward, just a glimpse. And found herself in forest. Further exploration and musings will be gladly shared, Darkness Dean.

Hello Dean.
This is very powerfully written, told from a very different viewpoint. I have seen the 'reluctant vampire' thing done before, but never so well as this. You get inside Geoffry's head so completely, let us see his most intimate thoughts, yet keep a certain detachment about what's happening around him that is truly masterful. Ch 2, especially, had a most unusual twist.
The only slight criticsim I might make concerning the writing is that like a lot of us, you overuse the word 'that'. There are instances where things could be tightened up, could flow better. But they don't detract much from an atmospheric, tension-charged read. Well done, it's going on my shelf.
All the ebst,
Cas.

Dean.
Outstanding writing combined with a compelling plot - that's how I see your novel. It is just a question of getting it before the public. It goes on my shelf. J.

Hi Dean, I re-read the parts that you've been working on. I think they work much better now. Great job! Much easier to read, tighter prose, and make the work seem more urgent. I'm going to try to read more after I get my WL under control. It's still on my shelf, so it'll remind me to come back.

You have great command of the English language and I liked the descriptions. They are very easy to picture and are easy to read. I did want to make a few comments though since you were kind enough to do the same for me.

I think there is an typo in the first chapter in chapter one: 'When you memories are all gone' I think you should be 'your'.

I think the beginning of Chapter One might have too much setup and could begin closer to where he scares the teenagers off of the girl. My mind started wandering a bit and I think if it started with the conflict closer, it'd pack a harder punch.

I think some of your prose could be tightened up, especially felt this way in the beginning of Chapter Two. The first paragraph in chapter two has a few long sentences (one has the word 'and' twice). I would suggest either re-writing them not to include 'and' or to tighten them up all together. The word choice and style is high brow, don't get me wrong, but could still use some tightening.

Because I do like the atmopshere of what I read, enjoyed the style in which it was written, I will shelf you. I hope you gain some exposure and you tighten up some of your passages because I love genre fiction! I'd love to see it soar.

Good luck!

Dean - I just completed Chapters 1 & 2 and will continue reading as time allows. You've set up an interesting story and I'm curious where it will lead. You've done a great job of establishing each character's voice and your dialogue flows smoothly and is believable. Your setting descriptions are nice, though a couple of times I thought your transitions could be fine tuned a little more.

I can't tell you how helpful you were when you pointed out the little grammatical things in my story. I thought I'd return the favor. You'll notice I'm a freak for the word 'was'. If you don't feel the same, simply disregard.

Chapter 1 - Geoffry slowly lowered the teen until the unconscious body was resting - just say 'rested'

The woman straightened up - could elimitate use of 'was.' Maybe say 'The woman straightened up, but remained where she stood, causing Geoffry to burn with rage.'

Chapter 2- Sleep... flee it's - should be 'its.' The sentence after that is a little awkward, and you use 'strangely' twice in the same paragraph. (BTW, the second paragraph is WONDERFUL!)

'her perfection' - needs a period.

'just how sore he was' - could change to 'his level of soreness' to delete the 'was'

I think you need a comma before the word 'lover' when Venice addresses him. (I saw it twice.)

Ignacious left strict instuctions... might sound smoother if said 'left me strict instructions to tell you that...'

You might need a stronger transition to get him out of the apartment and walking on the street. I had to do a double take to realize he had left. You should also let the reader know if he was unshackled when he got up or if Venice unshackled him.

Once again, I really like it so far and look forward to reading more later. You'll hear from me again soon!

- Janene

Dean - Okay, when I saw this was about vampires, my first thought was "not another vampire book." Well, it took me all of 30 seconds to get hooked. You have a wonderful command of the language. Your style is descriptive without being too flowery - it matches the story well. It's going on my bookshelf! - Janene