The Giant Killers

A BHCG Review - please bear in mind that this is my personal opinion, based on a year of trying to write my own book and nearly 30 years of reading other people’s books (at a rate of 4 or 5 a week). You can ignore anything and everything I have to say.

Pitches: not sure about the clichéd start to your SP. Overall, it’s OK. It tells me what to expect but I’m not enthralled (probably because I’m not your target audience).

C1: I would be careful with your opening sentence as it contains a dreaded “and then”. It immediately put me on edge for the rest of the book. “The pitch, weather and ferry crossing were all familiar complaints” - you’re missing the “s”

C3: “Fizzy had always had a love OF fizzy drinks”. I know this is a kids book, but I’m getting a bit tired of seeing Fizzy’s name mentioned all the time. It’s OK to use “he” sometimes.
You don’t mention the doctor taking a blood sugar reading, which is what he’d do to determine if Fizzy’s insulin levels were too low (sorry - my mum is diabetic). I can’t see a Dr calling for a helicopter based on a little chat. You could add it in without any problems.

C4: I can’t see him being stretchered onto the helicopter based on what you’ve told us. Even in my worst states (don’t ask), I’ve always walked onto an ambulance. If he’s really that close to collapse, there needs to be a greater sense of urgency when his mum takes him to the GP and less time informing the reader about the facts of diabetes (almost a case of letting your research show too much). “one of the paramedics’ arm”…not arms?
Watch for some of your longer sentences to make sure they don’t get too convoluted. The one I struggle with is: “Fizzy’s mum would tell the story..”

I would guess that you’ve spent a lot more time on your first 3 chapters than the following ones. By Chapter 5 I’m noticing more punctuation issues (generally missing commas) and garbled sentences (e.g. “Although the island had recently reopened, the island had become very poor). Take your time and read through your whole MS with as much care and attention as you possibly can. Arm yourself with a decent grammar guide and watch out for repetitive words.

Overall, this is a nice tale. I can see it appealing to young boys and I think you’ve got the right chapter length for a bedtime story.

THE GIANT KILLERS
Rob Love

A BHCG Review

I have to give you impressions based on reading your first chapter. I am trying to think like one of those people publishers hire to weed through the slush pile. The beginning is all important so that is what I am addressing.

Your opening probably used up the entire chapter one by describing the setting and what was taking place in a football game, a sport which I know nothing about. However, my instinct tells me that this scene might be better placed somewhere else in your novel.

There was some characterization right off and I could clearly see them as I was reading. There are particular ones your readers will indentify with and keep things going to the final paragraph that will prompt the reader to go on. That sense of timing is great.

This is truly a novel for young men who are enthusiastic about football. Perhaps you intend a mystery there too and the last words in paragraph one suggest just that. I question whether you need to take so long to get to it but would have to read on to find out. That is just what you want to happen. Good job.

Mary Enck
A King in Time

The story is well written and with the right audience it will have the merits it deserves.
I don't follow football, so some terms there were like greek to me, but it didn't stop me to understand the story and like it very much.

I am not an expert in this genre or in any other genre, but I thought the police solved the kidnap too fast. I would like to read more before the ending.

I think this would work great a series.and I am sure boys will love reading it.
Im giving it 5 stars.
Edinaldo Santo

Let me start off by saying I'm not a sports fan, but I wound up reading a couple chapters before I realized it because of all the action going on and all the characters. I think the action and introduction of all these characters at the beginning is going to be a great way to hold children's attention.

Plot: I just went over a bit of that, but I'll rehash. Your opening is packed with action, which is a great way to open a children's story. It flows easily as we "watch" the players and are introduced to the team and coach.

Characters: Your characters are lively and believable.

POV: I think your point of view works well in this story. At first there are a lot of characters being introduced, but we're also at a football match and the main character is part of a team so I didn't have any problems following along.

Style: I think your writing style works well.

Sentence Level: I didn't see any problems. This seems tightly edited.

Dialogue: The dialogue flows nicely. The children sound like children their age so it was believable.

Overall I think this story is highly original and I think it would work as either a stand alone story or as a series.

From the "Brutal Honesty Group."

BHG review.

Hi Rob,
I read the first three chapters, then jumped to read chapters 15-18.

You obviously know a lot about football. I would **LOVE** to know more about football, but in reading your first three chapters, I'm lost.
In fact, by Chapter 2 I got Fizzy was the main character but I didn't feel like I wanted to follow him right away.

Characters: I was lost with all the names you threw in. By the time I was in Chapter 2, I wasn't interested in why there were so many names, I just want to know who the main one is and why I want to care for him.

Originality/ Marketing
It is an original concept, but if you're targeting a footballer teen, you're targeting a very specific crowd and that might not be a good thing.

What I loved: Dialogue, it was short and sweet. It moved the story along and you do that part well.

Suggestions: I would suggest starting with Chapter 15 as your Chapter 1 because I found that chapter to be really good, especially that first line. Then perhaps rework the story. Thought of a love interest for Fizzy? Or a visiting relative new to football? It would be an easy way to describe what's going on.

Hope that helps.

Alice
Jane: Redefined

Hi, this is a BHG review. I have read up to chapter 8 so far and thought it would be a good time to write a review.

Pacing – too much backstory or too little
overall I think that the pacing is just right. The first two chapters introduce the main characters and then the next few provide a bit of back story for Fizzy before returning to the main storyline which I think works well.

I think the only issue for me with chapter 1 is that it is written for people who have a knowledge of football. I don't watch football at all so a lot of the terms were unfamiliar to me and I therefore struggled to really visualise what was happening in the game. I got the general sense of it and thought that some parts were really funny such as the showers etc. Also, if this book is intended to be targeted towards young people and in particular football lovers this would probably be less of an issue! I don't know what FA is until it is mentioned later in the story, might be worth expanding on that in the short and long pitch or early in the story.

Characters/Characterization
Fizzy is obviously the main character in this story. In the first chatter there were a lot of names and characters in the football match, I got a bit confused as to who were the important ones. It could be that you develop the important characters further perhaps by identifying something about them that is unique, such as Fizzy being called fizzy because of what he drinks, and this would make them more memorable and help them stand out in future chapters

When you introduce Sharon Cole in chapter 3 we don't know who she is, a few lines later it refers to Fizzys mother, but its not clear that they are the same person until later in the story.

Also, it seems a bit unrealistic that the doctor will diagnose Fizzys diabetes without even a test, there are simple jab tests now that show insulin levels etc. I think it would help to create suspense if some tests were done and Fizzy had to wait for the results, even if it was him sitting in a waiting room for thirty minutes, particularly since it was so serious that he had to be airlifted to hospital.

I think I would like to have more descriptions of the island, the people living there and a sense of what life is like, what is the main profession, how many children are there etc

Point of View/Voice
I think that it works well the way you have written it.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader.
An easy reading style that is suitable to your target audience.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
You tend to use the same word in the same sentences, in particular, island is mentioned a lot.

'were all common complaint from visiting teams' Should be
'were all common complaints from visiting teams'

I would like to see some more descriptions of the island and characters but otherwise it reads well.

Originality and Publishability
I dont know much about the young adult market but I would imagine that a book about young boys getting to the FIA would be loved by many boys in particular.

There are also several different storylines, such as the boys getting to the FIA, Fizzys condition, his parents difficulties etc which I think you have wound together nicely

Best of luck with this
Annie

BHCG Review

Short Pitch - Good except that I don't know what FA means. Obviously you are writing this for a specific audience who will know what that it and I know you were limited to 25 words - but just thought I'd point that out. I have no clue what FA means.

Long Pitch - Really solid. I have no idea what a "giant killer" is but I guess that will be explained in the novel - perhaps there is a way you can just very briefly explain what this is though - even in the pitch - since the book is named that. Otherwise even though I really have very little knowledge of or interest in sports I found your pitch quite good.

Plot – Your first chapter was very very good. Even though I know very little about the sport - I basically understood what was going on and you made me really care about the characters, the team, the poor little field and by extension the Island and her people too. At the end of the first chapter I wanted to read on. It seemed a bit drastic that he needed a helicoptor to take him to the hospital. If Fizzy wasn't passed out or in a diabetic coma - couldn't they just take him the normal way? By ferry or whatever?

Pacing – The first chapter is short and to the point. It draws the reader in with action and ends with a hook. I will want more of an explanation about the Island and the team, the people etc. but so long as that comes in the next few chapters I am content to wait. As the chapters continue I still feel like I don't know enough about the Island - especially when Fizzy needs a helicoptor to get him off the Island - then I feel like there needed to be a bit more backstory to explain why. We start to get it in chapter 4 and it is well done - the way it's woven into the narrative and not forced on the reader, but I still feel that perhaps more needed to be explained earlier on.

Characters/Characterization - I'd like to know more about them - we don't know very much after chapter 1. I love your explanation about Fizzy's name in chapter 2 and the acting bit is unexpected. My Dad always says that - that soccer players have to be really good actors. I like the relationship between Fizzy and his Dad and Mom - that seems very well done and realistic.

Point of View/Voice - Not particularly notable in the first chapter - but becomes a lot more defined and interesting by the start of the second chapter.

Style – I did not expect to like this novel at all since I am not really interested in the sport - but I found that the style in which it was written made it accessible to me.

Sentence level – sentences are well crafted and interesting. Not sure about phrases such as "the game continued with added spice" - that seemed a bit trite and over-used to me. And "left, right and centre."

Dialogue - seems appropriate for the genre and did not jar me in any place.

Originality - hard for me to comment becuase I have not read very many (if any) books on this type of topic before.

Publishability - Your writing is excellent and fresh. I think that this has a very good chance of finding a publisher.

- Rena (Bunderful)

Hi, Rob – this is your BHCG Review form Audrey. Even though I’m American, I have read all the Poldark books and watch Doc Martin, so I know my Cornwall. And my husband plays old-man soccer here in the US so I know my ‘football.’

My English teacher alter ego, The Grammar Hag, accompanies me on reviews. She’s the one you don’t like. I’m responsible for all the comments that make you feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
All very nicely done until we visit the doctor for the diabetes diagnosis. This part sounds like a public service announcement. It could be integrated more naturally. I do like how dad features prominently in this section and then we discover he’s flown the coop in the next chapter.

I know that kids expect to have 82 careers when they grow up, but first we see Fizzy’s list of things he likes, which includes acting, and later we discover he’s a writer. Should writing be on the list??

Pacing – too much backstory or too little
I think this is well done. The chapters are just the right length for the level of reader that would enjoy this book.

Characters/Characterization
I like Fizzy.

Point of View/Voice
You do a limited omniscient, which works well here.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader
I found this to be a very pleasant read.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
In the first few paragraphs I read far too many verbs of being and not enough action verbs. The guys are playing soccer! It’s active!

“…smashed the ball with all of his might….” Do you need the ‘of’ in there?

Dialogue
I think the dialog reads as authentic and fresh. But I’m not a 12-year-old soccer player. However, I may have mentioned I know all about Cornwall (=:

Originality
Seems quite original to me.

Publishability
I read several of the sports novels my son read at this age, and yours compares very favorably with them.

Best wishes
~Audrey

THE GIANT KILLERS

a BHCG review

COVER: Fairly plainjane but its fine I suppose for Authonomy. Not sure it'll get you any extra reads though...well, maybe a few football fans will take a peek.

TITLE: I like it...think it'd def appeal to a target audience. Might confuse those thinking they'll actually find a Giant in a childrens story? but no really I think it fine.

SHORT PITCH: Hm, well, I think its okay. Pretty straightforward...nothing that really makes me care to read the LP but its good.

LONG PITCH: Again, not something that really compels me but well, I'm not really a sports fan so that might be why.
I think it reads well...probably catch the eye of someone into football and from the UK.

TEXT: Opening chapter felt good for the kids...right into some action, fairly basic straightforward dialog with a little taunting.and a cliffhanger ending.
Second chapter we get a bit more intro to Fizzy, actor/diabetic/leader
So far a jaunty read heh. I'm wishing for a bit more...atmosphere/setting/place me more at the location other than the bumpy field.
I was diagnosed Type I in my 20s...travelling around America for that summer...came home and looked a bit skeletal (more so than usual) drinking and peeing like mad...I've never cut out sweets though. Type I's basically are their own pancreas = give myself enough insulin to match whatever I'm eating. Sugary candy/confectionary/etc just burn more quickly...but yes, probably wouldn't make for interesting reading in fiction heh. but the rest of the balancing act business of chp3 rang true.
All Fizzy really would have to do is eat a decent meal, not take the insulin for it, test at the end of the game, adjust if it was high.heheh. Might not be the healthiest but it really wouldn't make a huge deal in the long run and really its long term high bloodsugar that matters but listen to me...dork...really doesn't matter for fiction. I like to inject in my stomach...far easier to hide in public that pulling down my pants to reach a thigh. You might alter it to "injection pen" or something that would explain that he wasn't injecting himself with ink. Or hm, are syringe pens that common place now? I don't know. I used them when first diagnosed but tried regular and ended up liking the control I had over how the insulin went in better...damn, will someone shut me up heh.
I wonder if too much time is actually spent on his diabetes actually...was relieved to see a return in chp5
Hm, a whole chapter just to get the team to agree? chp6 seems slightly superfluous.
Hm, chp7 - Is he rich? A nurse comes to his house? Why was she there? To check up on his diabetes? After 2 years he doesn't know to take less insulin before a game? Didn't he have that talk when he was first diagnosed?
Feels off to suddenly have a nurse visiting him? I know its used to bring up his Dad, etc. but why not a friend's visit instead?
Okay need to stop here but I think this is pretty good.
Actually I often enjoy sports movies so might enjoy a book about a player/team as well.
Best of luck Rob!
-=Bradley

Rob,

Glad to see you resurrect this on Authonomy. I see a rush of reviews in the last two weeks after a long hiatus. I’m BHCGing… yes it’s now a verb.

Pitch: “cyncial".

Plot – You instantly took me back to middle and high school soccer with the opener. Our home field (pitch – sorry – I’m sticking with US vernacular) had horrendous pot holes and grass clumps that always frustrated visiting teams. We had great ankles and excelled at half-volleys from picked the ball from the air after awkward bounces.

I also attended a Pele soccer camp with 8-12 yo kids and it was run by professional adults. Great memories there – like the pro keeper who set up for a PK against a 10 year old. The keeper deliberately set up one half step off center, baiting the young man to go to the wide side. The boy angled his body for the wide side, took a big swing – the keeper lunged off his mark – and the boy adjusted the leg arc at the last second, sending the ball trickling with agonizing slowness to the short side. The keeper watched in horror from the opposite post as the ball rolled in. That isn’t really a suggestion to change the plot – just a thought in my head form my own experiences. That’s exactly what an author hopes to do.

I strongly agree with the suggestion to combine 1+2, 3+4, and 5+6. The break between 3 and 4 especially interrupts the flashback. The game in 1-2 should have continuity.

However, kids playing against Arsenal… I’m struggling to accept it. One, I don’t see a professional team running up the score on a group of kids to 18-0. Why would they do that? It is much more likely they score a couple goals and then treat it like an exhibition: playing keep away, doing tricks, offering pointers and encouragement. On the other hand, if the plot was tweaked slightly and they were entered into a tournament where older kids were being scouted for the U20 national team, then maybe a blowout would happen and you can still have the event in Wembley. Kevin Moon could be a super-hyped kid who just made ManU instead of a pro, like the USA’s Freddie Adu at that age.

Characters – I’d suggest adding a little idiosyncrasy for several members of the team; simple things that allow a young reader to see similarities to his peers and connect. But a very likeable bunch.
Point of View/Voice, Sentence level – Just about right for the age group. I had no issue at all with the

Originality- The Underdog story is very common because it works. It works here. It works in movies.

Publishability – I think it’s close. A little bit of structure and minor plot issues for me. But I like the characters, demographic, style, and writing.

This is a BHCG review!

Plot – I have to say that I am a huge sucker for this type of story for two main reasons. One I like the team underdog story but I am also a big fan of a niche genre which is island fiction – the pitch blends these two aspects very well, so that is a very good start!
The plot as described in the pitch is certainly enough to get the reader interested and wanting to read more. I can imagine my 6 year old son pricking his ears up at the mention of Manchester Utd (copyright issues here potentially?)
I love the name of the team as well and the name of the main character.
Pacing – I think you have struck the balance perfectly – there is a fair bit of dialogue in the opening chapters which helps…

Characters/Characterization - I love the characters and the Cornish names that most of them have. There is so much potential in a football team to have a variety of characters and interplay between them.

Point of View/Voice – seems perfectly natural to me.

Style – no problems here…

Sentence level – very easy to read, vocabulary is at the right level and would be accessible to younger readers. I did not a few punctuation errors or omissions in the first few chapters so that is worth a second look. I also think some of the chapters could be longer and end at a more natural gripping breaking point.
Dialogue – dialogue is believable and there is about the right level of it.

Originality – the premise itself is not really that original (crap sporting team defies the odds), but I think the island setting does set it apart a bit – whether that is enough to get the interest of the general populace remains to be seen.

Publishability – I don’t see why, with a bit of spit and polish, this is not perfectly publishable…I could also see the potential for sequels for this little island community as well.

OVERALL A STRONG FIVE STARS FROM ME!

How could I not like this book .....

A BHCG review

As usual the comments I give are meant to help a writer and are subjective. Any questions, drop me a line.

Before I start my comments per chapter I just wanted to point out that I will do so in chapter pairs. I felt as that chapter 1+2 worked better together than apart. Together they make a better introduction and avoid the disappointing ‘cliffhanger’ at the end of chapter 1. For similar reasons I felt that 3+4 and 5+6 should be combined.

If the chapters are so short because you are aiming for a young reader then you will need to change the writing style and complexity of issues and story. I hope not as I think combining will work much better.

C1+2

The names of the characters and the place are brilliant as is the atmosphere of the pitch and game itself. The number of spectators made me laugh.

Watch out for repetition. While not in the same sentence, ‘penalty area’ appears in neighbouring lines.
Not sure how other reviewers feel but using words like ‘hoofed’ might be an issue. I understand it but others might not.
Should the narrator refer to a characters ‘ugly face’? Fizzy yes but maybe not the narrator.
Something else I would have liked to see was a bit of description of those around the hero. Friends and rivals blur a little.
Let us know that Mr Diamond is a teacher as well in Chapter Two

C3+4
Avoid ‘seemed’. It’s a pet peeve of mine because when I began editing my own story I was shocked how many times I used it. It weakens the narrative I think. ‘Fizzy was always drinking’ or ‘Fizzy was drinking way to much too often.’ Not that but something like that.

When referring to someone as Mum or Dad I think they need a capital. His mum or dad is lower case.

The big paragraph giving us Fizzy parents back story is a bit clunky. Try breaking it in two and cutting out repetition as much as you can. Try and save some of the detail for later. Show the reader some rather than tell all in one go.

Don’t over describe a scene. Cutting down on wordage is always a good thing for clarity and word count. E.g. do we need to know in a separate line that his mum and dad were both sitting around the table too?

Keep an eye out for redundant info.e.g. Neither parent was speaking but even if they were Fizz wouldn’t have noticed he was too busy thinking. All we’re really interested in is the fact that Fizz is deep in thought about the situation.

I love the fact that Fizz tries everything and succeeds in a variety of ways even with the challenges he has.
Love the idea of the injection count.

C5+6
Nice payoff with the injection count.
The start of this chapter compares will with the happy family from the previous chapter.
Foot and Mouth I buy. This being the reason for his Dad’s absence I don’t. Could he not fish and land his catch off the island?
Repetition of ‘island’ in a sentence.
Fizzy and his mum fall silent and then the news catches his attention. I don’t know why but the sentence doesn’t scan for me.
I like the idea of tapping into Wembly.
Re-read the news bulletin. It doesn’t sound like a news item and is missing a few words.
‘jaw hit the floor’ – avoid!
‘I’ve got an entry form in the newspaper’ should be ‘a form from the newspaper’.
Soften the introduction of Chap 6. The fact that girls are mentioned later is a bit of a shock. Just a smidge of detail needed I think.
I love the idea that Mr.Diamond is wearing a tracksuit while teaching Drama. Obviously his heart lies elsewhere.
Chapter Six is the weakest of the 6 I read. I would build on the other characters and take a little longer on talking over the competition and why entering and winning is a must for them all, not just Fizzy. Mr. Diamond’s perspective is key. Given how brief the chapter feels I think there’s scope to write some more.

Overall I liked this story. It has a ‘Jossie’s Giants’ feel to it, a peripheral community’s youth football team with no money and rubbish facilities suffering in the British climate, battling on regardless and aiming high. Sound heroic stuff.

I like the layers as well. There is real scope to reflect on and explore the economic problems of the area, the impact on families, the adults and children. The issues in Fizzy’s family, Fizzy’s own issues. A good balance. I like that a lot. A bit of grit to the story might help aim it at an 8+ reader. It’s hard to define at the moment with the small chapters and light characterisation.

You clearly have empathy with these characters. Just give the reader a little more of their personality, of the puffins and island and they’ll love them as well.

A quick read, therefore pretty well written, but I think the reader really needs to feel the teams need for something positive in their life.

Be careful to avoid cliché and repetition. I’ve said this in every review but it is such a useful tool. Read your writing aloud to yourself. The tongue and ear are great tools for showing when a bit of language does not work. Reading into yourself is not enough.

Alright, here's the first BHCG review that I've given. Hopefully you find it helpful.

Plot- Although there are differences, your plot kept reminding me of the Mighty Ducks movies of the 90's. That's a good thing in my opinion, gotta love the Quack Attack. Anyway, you keep the plot original enough to keep your reader intrigued without falling into any of the cliches of the sports movie. Also, there's an episode of South Park in which a pee-wee hockey team gets to play a period against the Detroit Red Wings. It also shares some similarities with your story... once again in a good way.

Characters- I found your characters likable. You do a good job allowing your readers to connect with the story, which makes them want to read more. Good job.

Style- I personally found the style to be a little too simple for my taste. I like to think that even if I was ten I'd be finding it a little on the easy side. But then again I've always enjoyed reading books above my level. You do a good job of maintaining your style throughout, and you keep the same style... it just isn't for me.

Dialogue- I found it believable. There weren't any points where I felt what was said was either inappropriate or didn't belong to the character.

Originality- You've breathed originality into a tired genre. I admit I didn't read all of it, but I skimmed the ending and it wasn't what I was expecting. I was glad to see that you didn't go down the same old route that most sports movies (I haven't really read any sports books to comment on) take us.

Overall I'd say that while this book isn't for me, you did a decent job crafting it. It almost feels as though this would be better suited as a movie. Good job with it and good luck in the future.

Brad

BHCG Review

Rob,

There's a format these reviews are supposed to follow. I think it's irrelevant here so I'm just going to focus on my main concern.

The Giant Killers combines Roy Of The Rovers with Enid Blyton and does it really well. I devoured this book in more or less one sitting. I could draw your attention to a few minor quibbles – as always – but I don’t think there’s very much point. On the whole this is obviously very easy to read, which means it’s very well written. Unfortunately there’s one major problem - I’m not sure who is going to read your book. And I'm not sure who it's aimed at.

The new Wembley Stadium opened in 2007 and this is clearly a contemporary tale yet it reads as an anachronism. The parodies of modern football are very enjoyable – especially the red-nosed ManYoo manager – but references to Page Three conflict with things like the childish 1950s-sounding name Fizzy.

People are obviously prepared to suspend their disbelief at Harry Potter, I’m not sure a worldly eleven year old boy would be prepared to accept the Giant Killers. And the eight-year old who would, would find you've written something a bit too old for him

PS – A couple of very minor quibbles:

- You can’t have a water-carrier who is also a midfield general.

- There’s a sentence early on where mum looks worried and dad tries not to look worried. I didn’t like the repetition. Perhaps consider something like “pretending everything was fine”?

Backed.

-Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

Hello Rob,
This is an inspiring story and one that will strike a chord with a wide range of readers. Most people love soccer and so many little boys dream of becoming stars. You are adept with descriptions,resulting in a story is smooth flowing. Well observed. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Rob,
I'm an American, but I love your football (our soccer—two of my daughters play it here). This is a fast-paced, witty story that seems just right for a young audience. There are wonderful touches, like when the Puffin Islanders intentionally use all of the hot water, leaving the visitors to squeal in icy cold showers. Loads of fun.

When I young, I always enjoyed reading sports books, particularly those that featured a decided underdog winning against long odds. I am very glad to see there is a new generation of books in this genre even better than the ones I remember. Yours should be published.
Shelved.
Mark

Hello Rob

I'm struck by the mismatch between concept and delivery. The idea is spot-on and the names have a really good feel - ideal for young boys (six to eight, I'd have said). If you're aiming for an older reader (ten or so) then I think, especially with football, the names are a touch too twee - perfect for younger kids but likely to twitch the early cynicism bud of older kids. So with a younger reader in mind, I'd suggest looking at the delivery.

First, the vocabulary's a little stretching, which may not be a bad thing - but does it make it easy for a kid just learning to read? As an example, look at the sentence in the paragraph five from the end of chapter one: 'In the past Mr Diamond had sometimes been a little biased in his refereeing, and other teams etc' Will your target readership be able to read 'biased' and 'refereeing' easily, with those complex vowel phonics? And even if they can read them, will they know what 'biased' means?

Second, look at the sentence structure. Most of the sentences are long and very few confine themselves to a single clause. Can you count on young readers, who may be struggling to read the words, being able to follow a line of thinking through one or more clauses? To use another example, that first sentence of the third paragraph: 'Fizzy Cole, Puffin Island's star midfielder, who was blessed with awkwardness and incredible skill in equal measure, stood on the touchline waiting to take a throw in.' That's a long and convoluted sentence with some whopping big words in it. Could you phrase that in a straight line? It doesn't matter if it takes more, shorter sentences - might it be clearer and easier for a less confident reader to follow?

So overall I think you have a good concept/plot outline, the naming is ideal for a younger reader - the right blend of silly/cool to be engaging and, importantly, memorable - but the langauage and particularly the sentence structure is a bit sophisticated for a kid in key stage two or three. Of course, that's not a problem with a book that's designed for parents to read to kids, but I suspect most parents - like me - buy the books hoping the kid will be able to read a bit to themselves.

Good luck with it.

SW

Even thought I don't know much about 'football' (I think we call it soccer over here), I enjoyed reading this and had no trouble following along. I really thought Fizzy was injured at the end of the first chapter. Then to find out he is ok but another real problem arises was clever. I like Fizzy already and want the team to win.

Not only does the team have to overcome the lack of money but Fizzy has to overcome his illness. I think your target audience would love this.

On my shelf.

Sorry it took so long for me to read this.

Janet

If there is anything that is likely to get young boys readingagain it is football, and I think this might just be it. A good premise, I like the idea. There's a gap in the market for something like this. Well written, I like the pace. On my shelf

A story of boys and soccer, a winning combination. Not my usual read, I’ve never made a sports story before. But your story has lots of promise and I am sure will attract many sports minded readers. Good luck. C.P

Although I'm not much of a sports fan myself you can tell you are. Your writing reflects a real passion for football. Though the story sounds very similair to a movie called the Replacements, not the same, just similair. Still a great read for any football fan out there :)

Shelved

Bj

Dear Rob,
Good opening. Catchy, we know where we are, and what's going on. The advantage to the home team, because the visiting team might be seasick, is clever and funny.
Fizzy reminds of the basketball players on tv who exaggerate a hit so that the ref will call foul on the other team. Great set-up -- that aside from football, Fizzy's other love is acting.
Fascinating meld: in the middle of all these healthy boy athletes, we learn Fizzy's a diabetic. Not only does it make your plot more complex, it also makes it more appealing to a wider market.
So not only does the visiting team get seasick, they also get ice cold showers. Way harsh!
But great fun. This book looks to be winning in many aspects: solid characters, strong plot, pacing and the lure of sports. Shelved.

Even non-sports fans will become absorbed by this. Everyone roots for the little guy and these characters make that easy. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Hello, Rob - as promised, sir, and apologies for the late arrival. What a lovely premise this is. How has this storyline not been done before? Schoolboys playing in the FA Cup. Perhaps it has, but it's news to me. GOod stuff. Only one minor quibble amongst some otherwise canny prose and superb one-liners: you must correct the typo ("isalnd") in your pitch, immediately. Otherwise, great stuff, and worth a moment on the shelf. Best of luck with it - sestius

Rob,

The underdog coming out on top theme is always a good one. Fizzy is a delightful character. This is a lot more than just a sports story. It's about growing up and it's about never giving up.

I thought your writing flowed nicely with a nice mix of dialogue and narrative. Not too much frill, which wouldn't fit with this story.

Glad to give this a turn on my shelf.

Heidi
Turning Red

Hi Rob
As a football fan, I was excited to have a read. As a teacher I welcome more books like this that would appeal to boys and get them reading. I know some of the students i teach would be overjoyed to see a book like this on the shelf.
You have a great comedic writing style that would definitely hit your target market. Fizzy's an excellent lead character, within the first few chapters you really feel like you know him already.
Thanks for an entertaining read!
Clarissa
"Changing Places"

Rob,
This is great fun. I love the way you bring the characters to life with a real understanding of what it means to play football and to win. As the husband of an injecting diabetic I'd like to see people get a better understanding of their lives too. (Damn, I can only shelve this once) - err Shelved.

I think this is extremely well written for the age group. It might be nice to get a better understanding of the pitch, but then looking at your Pitch, I'm sure it will all become clear in later chapters.

Cheers
John

Hi there,
I was so sure I had read this and commented on it - I think I did the former but not the latter!
I think your characters are colourful and fun, especially Fizzy, what a name! I feel your dialogue is a real strong point, it is very realistic and makes your charcaters all that more believable. This is well written and very enjoyable, pacy and well suited to your target audience. SHELVED!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Sports stories really aren't my genre, unless -- like the best of them -- they use sports as a metaphor to tell a wider story. This promises to do that.

I very much enjoy Fizzy, Robbie, Andy and the other characters. The way you have them interact and the dialogue among them is pitch-perfect (no pun intended on the use of the word "pitch"). And you set up the competition nicely. Well done. Based on this promise, the book deserves to be shelved. So that's what I am doing -- backing it.

Rob,

I have read the first eight chapters so far and enjoyed it. I don't know much about football (soccer where I come from) but I think you have a story here that will appeal to a cross section of young readers. Highlighting a disease like diabetes within what seems so far to be an intriguing sports story is, I think, a good hook. Stories that teach young kids about real life situations are important, be it diabetes or family breakups. You have brought forth a character in Fizzy (love the nickname) in the first few chapters to make me both empathize with and root for him.

I don't have too many comments regarding your writing other than you might want to re-read in an effort to tighten it a bit, perhaps challenge yourself by using a few less adverbs. All in all, nice job.

Thanks for an enjoyable read. I'll put this on my shelf for a bit, good luck.

Regards,

H.W. Baker
The Minution Chronicles - Saving Zinitheron
The Crystal Ball

Hi Rob.

I read your excerpt because the tag line sounded like an upbeat story. Your action of the sport is fast pace and appealing. It suits the quick happenings during a game. Great with introducing characters and ending chapter 1 with a vague description of the results, causing the reader to want to know what exactly happened. Clever with moving into different time frame and leaving the reader hanging for a few lines before revealing an intense conflict between the players with being set up and the other a great actor. The shouting coaches and players makes the tension believeable and is down right entertaining. Great with confrontation, then switch to action then thrust of confrontation. I feel as though I'm in the stands guessing as to what is going on in the field. Now I get a glimpse from someone who obviously have an experienced understanding. You place a layer of comedy in your scenes, which strenghtens the confrontational moments. Authenticity to forcing team to take cold showers.

Well worth the time to read. On my shelf. Good luck.

Janet Marie - Spirit Prisoners.

Loved this Rob.

Some nice parallels with real FA Cup history here and in days when Football is forever talking about the FA Cup losing its magic you have provided some here.

Tim

Hi Rob,
I'm just starting on chapter 4 but I'm satisfied that you have the talent to deliver a great story. Starting off with the game was a wonderful way to introduce the characters and set up Fizzy's personality and his medical condition. I haven't seen any major faults that would keep me from giving this story a turn on my shelf. You have a little editing to do but don't we all...:)
Jan