Sunday Girl

The Miracle of Tycho Brahe
Duncan Watt

"The day dawned and I waited for the sign that something would happen." This is a beautiful line to begin your book with. ... "When it finally transpired, I was totally unprerapred." Aren't we all? Duncan, you write in a universal language - one which reaches the reader easily and effectively, effortlessly. From the first paragraph, I could tell I would enjoy this book. And often, when I buy a book, I read the cover blurb, and turn to the inside - to begin reading - just a few sentences at the beginning, which to me set the whole tone and atmosphere of the book and brings out the writer's "aura" if that's possible or reliable (!) - the point is, I was struck by your plot from the pitches, and your pleasing writing style from the first couple of sentences read. This is a book I would easily read from beginning to end. There is a gentleness to your writing that's simply beautiful - poetic, "But she will remain forever in my memory.... The beautiful, fragile Sally Ann..." I've come across so many excellent and wonderful pieces on this site, that I am humbled when yet I encounter another. This is another one of those I will keep my eyes on and hope it finds its publisher.
Zan

Hi Duncan
You've got a powerful story here. After the strong prelude we have a complete change of pace with the events of Christmas day and I think this works. We immediately like John and his family and we care and are touched by Sally Ann. Although we have a slow, easy going pace I found myself racing through this. And I would definitely want to see more. I would repeat the same comments as have been made before in that you need a hook earlier on to keep us reading, and yet I find myself realising that I did read on anyway, so forget that. This is a different type of tale that intrigues and makes us want to get to the meat of the story but you are making us wait and that works. I'm sure that what is to come will be fascinating and if there was more I would definitely read on. Nice work!

Hi Duncan,
This is an interesting read, with promise of further mystery and mayhem developing. It has that sense of quite an ordinary person being engulfed in extraordinary circumstances – a move from the mundane to the mysterious and complex. For now I am enjoying reading on and am keeping it on my w/list.

I agree with Fran that it could use an edit – just made a couple of notes for you – I am happy to delete them if you don’t want them under your book.
Prologue
…this appeared a strange remark to make to a new acquaintance (I don’t think you need this- just – I let it pass)
possibly don’t use the word “lonely” in front of evening meal – just make it feel lonely

cheeky grin – doesn’t work for me – too much like a child – especially as he is sexually attracted to her - maybe another word

drowning is a good metaphor but it is used three times, which takes away from it a little

Chapter Three – detailed arguing with wife is a bit too long and too much detail – Is it better to just let the tension be there?

It is an intriguing tale, and bit of a tidy up would let the story and characters really shine through.

Very best of luck with this book.
Victoria Hunter

interesting premise. there are a few typos/bad grammar in the long pitch making it a bit confusing.
j

interesting premise. there are a few typos/bad grammar in the long pitch making it a bit confusing.
j

I liked this. Truthful, insightful and dealing with believable characters. Backed. Lara
A RELATIVE LOSS

SUNDAY GIRL
This is an interesting story. I like the explanation of where the story came from you reveal in the first chapter. Makes the actual story more intriguing. The mark of this is your writing style. It’s always clear and easy to read. I like John because he’s so unassuming; his job sounds terrible and that makes him sympathetic. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Sunday girl.  
I read the prologue and the first three chapters. 
Generally speaking, I think you have the seed of the good story here. 
Pygmalion projects make good reading, and once you introduce Sally Ann it becomes rather compelling. But I had some issues with your first few chapters, after the prologue, which, I thought, was quite effective. 
Mostly, I find I have trouble with the way you develop your main character prior to chapter 3, and a little with your use of language. 
Again, as with all reviews, this is only my opinion, so please take it for what it's worth, and stick to what feels right to you. 
Hook and plot- you create a good hook in your prologue, and again in chapter three, again, using the Pygmalion hook. However I find that the long description of him and his wife goes on a bit, and hinders the forward motion of the story. This is a  challenge, because, of course, you need to show how this past was unfulfilling in order to make his future more exciting. However, I feel that you  could  do this more effectively if you focus on their relationship. Rather, I feel you  sped a bit too much time talking about her terrible driving skills. This slows snow the story, and frankly manages to turn me off a bit In part, I will  confess  it  also has to do with the fact that you talk about giving women drivers a bad name.  But it is also that you created a bit of a caricature of his wife in order to make her seem loathsome. I think it's frankly detracts from your storyline, and I would recommend that you consider making it much shorter or removing it altogether.
Character development- again, I think that you could have done more here. I don't feel like I have a very intimate feeling of the main character, even though you make very sure that I know that he's unhappy in  his current life, and that he's good with kids. Fundamentally, it seems like you want to show that this relationship that develops changes his life. I understand that, and it's commendable. However, at the beginning of the story the net effect is  to make me want me to put down the book. I also feel that your development of his wife makes her into too much of a caricature. 
On the other hand, in chapter 3 when you bring Sally Ann I think you do very good job  showing us this interesting character.
Ambiance and description- I thought that you could have done more with the Welsh countryside, and with the youth home.  It was there in the background, but I feel that you didn't delve into  it as much as I would like you to have done. 
Finally, I found the use of the negative after the verb jarring and a bit of a turn off (as in, "she knew not"). I recommend you avoid doing this unless you have a compelling reason to do so. 

Comments as I read:
I find the prologue captivating. I'm excited to read on
Ch 1. You are making things challenging for yourself. When you make your mc's life dull, it is difficult to get your reader excited. This is a good opportunity for  character development, though- but you need to
Let me in a bit more as a reader. 
3 
He knew not.  I would avoid, sounds a bit pretentious.  
I find the argument  a bit contrived. 
The long talk of her driving is irrelevant and a bit insulting when you say "she gave women drivers a bad name. 

The diatribe against the shop is also a bit out of place. 
4
Better from the perspective of plot once you introduce the girl. The theft is interesting. 
Astronomer, not astrologer. 
Exchange with ms Winsor a bit strained
Reference to big corporations a bit odd. 
I hope these coments are not too discouraging. I really think that you have a good concept and that it will be engaging if you work on the beginning. 
Best, 
Maeve

I found this an interesting story that came from the heart.
It's great to hear a man's point of view.

The writing needs some editing. I think your sentences could be more concise without losing your style. There are some fabulous people on this site who will help you do that.
I'll give you a spin on my shelf as soon as there's space.

Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

I have read the first few chapters of your book. I am very impressed. Backed and starred.
Will E. Wonka

I do enjoy books such as this. They are life affirming and remind of the good that is in so many people. John Allenby certainly takes on a lot when he agrees to the job, but I can see he is ideally suited to it. I do think it takes awhile to get going, and I am not convinced you need the prelude. The reader doesn't need to know about how the story came about. I would suggest you start it on his first day in the new job, and then weave his home life in through either conversation and flashback. As a reader, I want to meet Sally-Ann and find out how John gets through to her above all else. Highly starred. Good luck with this. Juliet

Sunday Girl is a tender story. Too few women give men credit for compassion and sensitivity, but this story is an ode to the gentle man.

It's pace is unhurried and it takes the time to reveal characters. Its atmosphere is rooted in the patented quiet English desperation, so seemingly unique to the British Isles one can't imagine it in, say, the French or Americans.

The couple's dialogue, John's and Diana's is painful to listen to, acid dripping on raw flesh. John and his obnoxious wife engage in petty arguments over small things, such as her inability to drive. If venting is human, both are certainly human, but chapter 3 ends with a touch of hope and I do like his in-laws.

And yet, here is a man who climbs out of that dysphoric pit, a man, not a rebel, whose sword is tender and his shield nurturing enough to embrace the troubled life of a young girl.

Yes, I can hear the public's cry of paedophilic hysteria… a man and a little girl? How sad the tiny fraction of damaged men who cause suspicion to be cast across an entire gender. It's not like that.

The semi-feral Sally is a guttersnipe, where the words gutter and snipe both apply. John matches wits with her and gradually, they begin to care…

But that would be telling.

Dear Duncan

I have read the first three chapters of "Sunday Girl" this morning. You have an interesting story on the go here, with some appealing aspects and well observed reality. It is quite easy to get drawn into this story and want to read on. There is room for a thorough edit, which would help you to condense the overly introspective passages, helping to give the story added pace. Overall, you have a great piece to be working on, an interesting read with real potential.

All the best

Fran xx :-D

A great piece of literary fiction. I enjoyed the character of Sally Ann and wonder if she's the young lady in the prelude. Your description of eyes watering in the presence of such filth is exactly right. it takes a bit of fortitude to even be in the same room with a person who refuses to bathe....been there. Victoria..what a snob!
This is a story of hope in a hopeless situation. Higly starred and watchlisted for now. Good luck! Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Read through chapter 2 this evening. Diana can drive. Diana can park the car. She just pretends she can't do these things to hang on to John. She's already given up sex as a way to bond them as a couple so now she's playing games. Really enjoying your story! Georgia

Duncan, only had time for a quickl read of chapter one, but i foun it very interesting, and something i would certainly like to come back to.
At first, i found myself thinking that this was much lighter than the kind of material I would normally read (though i was still enjoying it) but by the end of the chapter, it was apparent that there was a lot ore going on here, and that there is much better stuff to come.
I will try to read more if time permits, but for now, highly starred.

Hi Duncan,

You're writing about a number of subjects that I have extensive experience of, having grown up in Wales and worked in social care for several years.

I think you've got a great and original premise here, but I'd really like to know when it's set, as CRB checks became mandatory in 2002, and John would have to apply for this himself, it certainly wouldn't be taken care of for him (unless of course it turns out this organisation he's working for isn't entirely above board?)

Tycho Brahe sounds Welsh, but I'm fairly certain that it isn't, Ty Brahe on the other hand would translate as 'Brahe House'. I also think it's a litte over-written in places, maybe get rid of some of the back story as it takes up a lot of time I would prefer to spend reading about the children's home and Sally Ann herself.

Please remember that this is just my opinion!

I just popped over to peek at your book.

As I started , though, I remembered reading this ages ago. Wonderful descriptions and John's a really well-drawn character. Great piece of work. :)

The star system didn't exist last time I read this, so I'm giving this 6 stars very happily. :)

I have to ask: have you managed to get interest from an agent/publisher yet? I'd love to hear the great news if this has been published. ;)

Best wishes,

Pete

just taking a minute to support this book once again...
j

hello DUNCAN' THE MIRACLE OF TYCHO'

GOOD STORY and well put together, and very readable. It draws you in emotionally.
backed,
TOM BYE ' FROM HUGS TO KISSES'

Backed

Brilliant

I loved some of these lines - she had eyes any self respecting male would drown in, so I drowned....

Does that help the nightman run the machine?

Very good - witty and intruiging.

I shall read on....

THE MIRACLE OF TYCHO BRAHE-Duncan Watt
hullo Duncan, This story seems to have arisen from a man working diligently but doing the the same job without much change or reward. Then he meets the young lady at work and everything begins to change. I like the way you have eased your ML into the change which will effect the rest of his like as well as those around him.
Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that if you have.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

A truly compelling story...from the gripping prelude, to the story of John Allenby and his arrival at Tycho Brahe House...the plot is well exposed, the characters as well, the location and time and place details, and it was very hard for me to stop reading as I am at work and need to get back to the grind :)
Very well done, ominous, interesting on many planes, I am happy to back this excellent book!

I like the inclusion of the prelude. Without looking at the synopsis, at first impression the prelude gives one the impression that this was going to be a romantic tale, but by the end I felt a more serious tone to the story. The line "The beautiful, fragile Sally ann..." gives me a hint that there is a reason behind her fragility, something in her past that has affected her significantly. This is good, because it plays on people's curiousity, thus making them want to read on to find out about her.

In relation to the second chapter: John is a lovely character, whereas Diana is the opposite. I loved the line, that only the police and woman could shout with her eyes (Yes, we can! :-) ) You can see easily from chapter 1 that he's not happy with life. And with Sheila coming into the picture, and the mention of the old house in Mid Wales where they cared for the disturbed teenagers, I can see that you are setting up the plot of your story where John meets Sally Ann.

Sorry that I was only able to do the prelude and chapter 1, but from what I read this story promises a good read. In relation to editing, I didn't pick up anything wrong. It flows well and there were no noticeable grammatical issues.

All the best, Marita.

Prelude is haunting--very effective link between the two Johns and the two girls--makes one want to read this diary. Your characters are all well portrayed and you have a talent for setting the mood of a scene. John is now about to start his new job, and I am looking forward to meeting the wild child. Backed.
Niobrar Kardnova (Family Irregulars)

This is a tender story of genuine warmth and compassion. I like the character definitions, they are well presented and have their own idiosyncracies that set them apart (not always easy). Although fictional, there is a strong degree of realism in this story and the writing has a beautiful timbre, quite poetic and very evocative. An excellent piece of work, Duncan, I hope it does well.

Backed with pleasure, best of luck.

Jack Hughes
Dawn of Shadows

Heavy engineering has transformed from hands on, to dials and buttons, with the workshop falling into disrepair. John Allenby decides to quit and take the offer of another job, working with destitute kids. But a first encounter with one of the children is a shock, a girl called Sally Ann, not quite up to engineering spec, as a human being.
Considering terms like the shop floor, to assemble something from just bits and pieces, quality controll inspections, and you have 'The Miracle Of Tycho Brahe' in a nutshell. What an ideal appointment, an engineer with many years experience in building things from nothing, but will humans prove a more harder material than sheet metal.
Great concept and a very enjoyable read.
Backed with pleasure
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

Nice pace, a smooth draw-in beginning. A good voice/character to identify with, and mystery to keep the reader interested. I'd like to know slightly more about the plot a little sooner, but that could take away the slow progression that people enjoy in this genre of books. You've obviously edited and perfected the first few chapters over and over, so there's not much to criticize. One thing: everyone enjoys simplicity, so maybe splitting a few of the lengthy sentences into two as one of your abundant commas/semicolons could help it move a bit quicker. Overall, a brilliant piece of writing.
Best of luck,
Joel Juedes

Top rate, and beautufully paced. Highly recommended.
RT

This is a very powerful and captivating story. Great plot, great characters, great writing. What more can I say? I am happy to back. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Start your first sentence with: John Allenby pulled into the car park.

Then go on from there, and work all the other details in as you see fit. Your first line, in order to be more impactful and memorable, should be a little more fluid and packed. First lines are very important. You have a great “idea” for a very sybolic first line (full of character development), but you blow the poetry of it and symbolism, by cramming so much technical verbiage in. Don't tear your poery apart with details. Let it flow, in a natural story telling voice. Let the first sentence stand alone as a poetic symbol of where john is in life: emotionally or whatever… “in park” then go on with your story, and the other details. Remember, “how” you say something is as important as “what” you are saying. Be sure that you are counting syllables, not words, when considering you meter and flow. Your flow is off quit a bit here and there. Two sentences that flow well, is better than one crammed with too many details, because it will read awkwardly. All and all, this was a compelling read and you story pulled me along. Well done. I will definitely be willing to back your writing. Please read some of my book when you have time and let me know what you think.


blueboy

Duncan,
You have crafted a one of a kind story in The Miracle of Tycho Brahe. I found the plot enthralling from reading the synopsis. The prose is gripping and brings the reader into the moment. Backed with pleasure.

Hi Duncan.

This is one of the most compelling openings I've read here. You did a fine job in perpetuating the mystery surrounding Sally Ann, while leaving timely questions which would eventually be answered. Great voice; I think this was the largest contributing factor for my immediate interest in this piece. The narrative was such that I could see it running in my head: wistful, lonely, a blend of bemused curiosity and apprehension on his part; she, as a child/woman/innocent. Just the way you brought them together and why she chose him (which I assume will be covered later) would be enough to move on to the next chapter.

These are just my scrambled thoughts. I don't know how much use they'll be to you, but such is the animal called interpretation.

nits:

--I smiled. What can I say, she's right again. (this portion is out of sync with the running tense, and needs something like this: I smiled. What could I say? She was right again.

A story [--], well it's more of a diary really. --- I'd lose the comma in favour of the dash or a full stop.

Because I think you're the right person to ask[:] artistic, .../ Listing the qualities would need the colon.

When even the telling of the fact he has a story to tell is this good, the story must be alive with more of the same. I'll be reading on. Best of luck, Duncan.

Gerry -- DCA

This is an intriguing story but a bit of a struggle for me in places. As a Yank, I am not as familiar with some of the nomenclature used so that is part of it. The dialogue is wonderfully realistic and has a good, natural rhythm to it, but a few extra tags might've helped during John's argument with his wife. The frame of the diary is a terrific idea. I loved it.
I had some nitpicks, but mostly the writing was top drawer and the rough patches seemed to be just revision errors. There is always some risk whenever the doctor opens up of the patient. ;-)
Here are the notes I made and keep in mind that these may just be stylistic issues. I try not to tell others "how to write" something but I'm not always successful, so bear with me:

> He confronted the ancient, dirty[ black-door,] of the factory. Grimed with the passage of time it bore the scars of innumerable encounters with heavy, steel toe-capped[,] work boots. The door’s small broken window, held together by reinforcing wire, looked grubby. Dirty for the past couple of years, the [water stained] glass looked a mess, but nobody cared. He doubted the glass [ever to have] been cleaned.

< He confronted the ancient, dirty, black door of the factory. Grimed with the passage of time it bore the scars of innumerable encounters with heavy, steel toe-capped work boots. The door’s small broken window, held together by reinforcing wire, looked grubby. Dirty for the past couple of years, the water-stained glass looked a mess, but nobody cared. He doubted the glass had ever been cleaned.


> The old fashioned latch, fitted around the time of the [industrial revolution], was the only clean part of this ‘portal into hell’. Mostly [down] to the thorough usage from the numerous hands that polished it[,] over the years on a daily basis.

< The old fashioned latch, fitted around the time of the Industrial Revolution, was the only clean part of this ‘portal into hell’. Mostly due to the thorough usage from the numerous hands that polished it over the years on a daily basis.

> He picked up and scanned the newspaper[,] nothing much new. [Over the page,] his eyes passed over the girl on page three. Naked, but for a cleverly folded piece of chiffon, she stood with most [] her charms on display. Every time he opened a paper or magazine, some minor celebrity, who thought herself a big star, photographed popping down to the supermarket. Framed neatly in a dress that plunged down the front, and sides split up to knickers, on the assumption she wore any.

< He picked up and scanned the newspaper; nothing much new. His eyes passed over the girl on page three. Naked, but for a cleverly folded piece of chiffon, she stood with most of her charms on display. Every time he opened a paper or magazine, some minor celebrity, who thought herself a big star, was photographed popping down to the supermarket, neatly framed in a dress that plunged down the front, and with sides split up to her knickers, assuming she wore any.

He drove home slowly the[,] motorway gridlocked once more. (needed a comma to be less confusing)

Duncan,
I read enough of Miracle to fall in love it. I wish I could finish it all. Your introduction grabbed me--what a creative way to draw the reader into the web of the story--very believable. I love the characters, too. I couldn't tell you what color any of their eyes are but I think I know their character and that is what is important. You've done a beautiful job with this which comes from a creative mind and great skills with the language. Best of luck.
Caroline/ Summer Rose

It's a great plot, almost Dickensian and you've written it well. It's something I would be reading avidly.
Backed
Lara
Good for Him

'Confused...how do you think...? = I can't see the point of the rhetorical question here
This is a great story so far, especially the way you portray the narrator's feelings towards the girl and their tentative and brief relationship. I notice some inconsistencies in punctuation and the use of capitals and a few sentences that ought to be reconstructed. In spite of that, you have real talent as a writer and I wish you every success
Best wishes
Stewart

An intriguing opening to a well written story. Good dialogue throughout, and questions about what the diary contains. There's a nice hook at the end of Chapter one that drew me on. Great first person narrative that made your MC believable and endearing. Backed with pleasure!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Hi Duncan,

I enjoyed your work very much. It has it easy to read and has a wonderful flow to it. This is a powerful story and ending line of chapter one forshadows that. I think it's my favorite line: But she will remain forever in my memory... The beautiful, fragile Sally Ann... It also makes the reader compelled to read on.

Happily backed.

Laurie - Into The Master's Lair

This is really... charming. I think that's the word I'm looking for. And written very well too. Backed.

Lacey

This stole my attention today - definitely a book I would buy without hesitation. Well written narrative conjuring many pictures in my minds eye.

I really like this.

Hi Duncan

I do like the opening of this, it frames the story brilliantly and makes you interested both in Sally Anne, her father, and the self-deprecating prosaic humorous narrator. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Your brilliant story grabbed me and kept me riveted, Credible characters. Crisp dialogue. Confiden narrative. Vital writing. Backed.

THE MIRACLE OF TYCHO BRACHE
Dear Duncan,
This is a superb book. From your opening lines I was completely hooked. You deliver an almost melodic pace that reaches and flows, a bit like the sea as it comes and goes on the beach. This is powerful, good easy and straight dialogue and believable characters in John and Sally Anne. I have already backed this so I wish you luck it deserves a place on the table.regards
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILAGE

A good well written story that deserves recognition.
Will carry on reading in the hope you upload the final chapters.
David.

Hi Duncan,

Beautiful prose with some great descriptions of John's emotions eg "Like hot wax, I melted." I think you've written a detailed and believable chracter in John. There's a sadness and an ennui that really comes across.

His dialogue with Sally feels real and isnt cluttered with clumsy exposition. It flows v well.

Based on what I've read, I'm happy to back your book and wish you all the best with it. :)

Pete

Powerful, effective in grabbing the readers attention and keeping it. Stong, believable characters and dialogue.
Good luck with your writing.
Jane

Duncan,

As somebody below says, you have a great, slow style that suits the setting and the character very well indeed. John already has my sympathy (empathy?), and this first chapter is either so real or so realistic that, having read your Profile page, it's exquisitely difficult to know what is fact and what is fiction. A gentle work that I would finish reading if it were a book in my hands - which, one day, it should be. Good luck on that road!
Backed with genuine pleasure.
Peter Wild
Double Action

Your profile intrigued me, the prelude even more so, and now I am drawn into the tale. There is much memorable writing here and it deserves a wider audience. Good luck. I am happy to back you.
Lizilev

Needs a little punctuation work, but that aside, you have a wonderful voice and do well with building suspense. It has a great feel for the literary fiction genre and your prelude left me wanting to read more. Elegantly written and a pleasure to read.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Excellently written but I don't think I can imporve on the comments already given.

BACKED