ZERO STATION

Not really one for commenting, but i just had to tell you how much i liked this book. Straight onto my shelf.

oh man this looks good (plot summary-wise)! I will be reading and returning w/ comments in future.

Always interesting to have a drama set in times of a controversial war. Backed
Lara
Good for Him

Greg,
I was immediately drawn into your story with its unique personal tone. You have wonderful description (loved the part about Andy and puberty). Based on the synopsis and the excerpt I would definitely be interested in this book (even though as the mother of a teenage boy I find it frightening). You have so many interesting storylines started. Really - excellent work.

Love your style. This reads like a book I just picked out of a store. Strong voice - and I love the music references - especially when I knew them. Music is such a strong presence in people's lives - as a teen-ager there is nothing more important - except sex. The writing is so believable / credible sounding - this is excellent. At a loss to give you any useful feedback - so please accept my gushing.

Greg - I think you're timing and voice are excellent. The introduction threw me a bit - only because I often feel weird being spoken directly to in a story. Kind of like I am only going to be a passive listener to the story rather than feel as though I am in it. This is just me - I am not making any suggestions at this point. The time frame is of definite interest to me to. Interested to read more! Shelving...

Dear Greg,


That synopsis of yours is frightening. I grew up in a world where there were no drugs and our two children likewise. It is soul destroying to realize these things are ‘forced’ on the youth.

Your story telling seems to be in a niche if its own. I couldn’t find fault with the writing and was continually surprised by the twists and turns.

Zero Station is on my bookshelf.

Although I am not criticizing, please never be complacent about your work. The secret of writing is rewriting. Some writers won’t accept that and they won’t be published either.

If there is anything in my notes below that rings a bell with you, or urges you to re-look at something, or makes you feel guilty, tee-hee, then they are of value.

Go well with your work.

Over the past five months I have spent three hundred hours providing page-long critiques but can no longer keep up with the volume.

So I’m trying another way of passing on information.

I will attempt to do better than critique your work by indicating how you might judge it yourself. Rather along the lines of give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, feed him for life. You may or may not agree with everything and I admit I do not always stick to these thoughts either.

What I have set out below are guide-lines based on what I myself have learnt from being published.

The pitch is critically important as among the book-lists which editors scan, your pitch stands alone with no support from the synopsis. I write the synopsis first, because a key sentence there is usually appropriate for the pitch.

A synopsis is not a dust-jacket advertisement. Aimed at a professional editor, it is a no-nonsense summary of what happens in the novel, including how the novel ends. Don’t leave the editor dangling and don’t ask her questions. Tell her.

Somerset Maugham said, ‘There are three rules for writing a successful novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.’

Correct. There are no rules for creativity. Think of Richard Bach’s Jonathon Livingstone Seagull. So way out, so creative it was rejected over a hundred times. Then it became a best seller.

There is one criterion though……. entertainment. Our writing must entertain from the very first sentence. There is no other reason for story-telling whether around a camp fire or in print..

I have struggled nine years to write three novels. Each written three times. One published, one lying fallow, Fig Tree currently in the process of being rewritten for the fifth time. Two literary agents requested the full manuscript but threw it back at me for narrative story telling. So I am rewriting, converting narrative to dialogue.

Based on what has happened to me, these are my thoughts on what editors want from us…………….


Plunge directly into the story. Do not set the scene or back-story first. When we go to a play and the curtain rises, we don’t see stage hands putting the props in place. The stage is already set. Likewise our opening paragraphs to the reader, the actors should immediately get on with it.

I have found that our opening chapter isn’t necessarily the first one we write. It might only occur to us when the novel is completed.

Let our characters drive the story-telling via dialogue, interplay and direct action. It’s stupid (although I am guilty of this) to have a stage set and silent characters frozen, while an off-stage narrator bores the audience with what is supposed to be happening on the stage.

Write minimal words because research shows that our readers’ brains race ahead of our words, visualizing the scene themselves, anticipating how our sentences end…… four times faster than they are reading. They become bored and frustrated by our overwriting, over description, unnecessary information. (I have been hauled over the coals for this.)

Write tight, sparse, lean, stark, bare bones. Adjectives and adverbs are for people who need a crutch to support their unimaginative nouns and verbs. As far as possible, always seek the appropriate noun and verb.

(Read John Steinbeck’s field notes Journal of a Novel which he jotted down while he was writing East of Eden. He edited out as many adjectives and adverbs as possible, finding the appropriate noun or verb instead.)

And yet, in my rewrite I am horrified to find superfluous words, adjectives, adverbs and general waffling which I am getting rid of. I am embarrassed at my own work.

My vocabulary is poor, so I use Roget’s Thesaurus which is a treasure. A real work-horse and a delight to use. It’s a companion that provides thousands of alternative words. Appropriate nouns and verbs are there for the picking.

Don’t write your scenes. Live them. Experience them. Meditate. Daydream yourself into them Watch what is happening. Listen to what the characters are saying. Smell the sweat or the aroma or whatever. Touch what the characters are touching. What do you feel? Taste the bile, the coffee, or the skin of the lover.

All communication is made through our five senses. I wear earmuffs when I write, to help me leave this world, experience the emotions and the senses and disappear into another universe which is the scene I’m trying to paint.

Are we stirring the emotions of the reader? Feeling is critically important. This can be achieved through good dialogue. Speak your dialogue aloud to hear what it sounds like. Is it natural? Do people really speak like that? Is it too formal? In the real world, we often don’t speak complete sentences. So dialogue can be truncated too to make it more natural.

In my opinion a novel must generate its own momentum, so readers experience it rather than read it. This can be achieved by dreaming it, experiencing it, living it, rather than writing it.

To avoid clumsiness I edit out the past participle ‘had’. I change ‘he had done it’ to ‘he did it’ It seems to make the action more immediate and more relevant.

I also dump words ending in ‘-ly’……. seemingly, clearly, obviously. actually, strangely, finally, eventually………. and all the others. Somehow they weaken our writing and make it vague.

And I am finding that much of the dialogue reads better if the ‘he said, she said’ is deleted.

Taking words out of our sentences and taking sentences out of long narrative paragraphs, in my opinion, is the secret to better writing. I can easily cut my stuff between 20% and 50%.

I learnt this when a literary agent demanded I delete 40,000 words from my first novel of 120,000 words. I was shocked but I cut it back to 80,000 words and the novel was published.

Fig Tree has already shed 16,000 words and I am currently rewriting it for the fifth time, changing the dialogue, cutting the narrative and tightening the writing as much as possible. I might dump another 6,000 words.

You may be interested in The Video Inside Our Heads, which is part of a confession I made about my idiocies in attempting to write. See, ‘How I Wrote and Sold My First Novel’ in Forum’s Writing section. It’s quite insane and you’ll probably laugh at me but it did work and I suppose that’s what matters..

I trust this is better than a critique and provides a bit of food for thought..


Kind regards,



Pierre Van Rooyen.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree.

Hi

I was so mad--read your book last night--loved it, wrote a comment and was kicked off the I Net before I could send it.

I just plain love the writing. Venusu said it all--very very ready for the big time world out there. Love your writing all the way.

Debbie 14k

Hey there,
I read through chapter 4. This is one of the most polished, smart and entertaining reads I've come across on Authonomy.
Things I liked:
The "song lines" game- authentic, fun, original
vanilla scent the car always had
eyes stealing attention from his brain
puberty hit Andy like a freight train, dragging him down the rails ever since
entered the doors and left daylight behind (what a metaphor for high school!)
polyester slacks made a whooshing sound
Zanello's versions are different- they charge your blood with equal parts anger and joy...

I found your protagonist annoyingly like some kids I have known as a school counselor- all "wasted" potential (literally) which is frustrating. All that self medicating, and bad choices you know is only going to make life harder for them...and as I was one of the goody-two shoes students who sat in the front row even in Music Appreciation class, your recounting of him smoking pot at the back of the room triggered a visceral rage- I hated those f*up kids, wrecking things for the rest of us... and now I smile knowing that only a true voice can take the reader there, on the current of memory, and engage emotions.

So I want to like your kid, but I don't... and it was great you started with him as an adult, competent, engaging, sorrow-racked over his mother, and I know there's a lot to this music man. This is a book that is ready for publication and that's the first time I've said this on this site... maybe the last.

Kudos. It's brilliant.

Shelved.
V- Hawaiian Orchid

Greg,

I read through three chapters and they went fast because you put it together right, great dialogue, characters and story and exceptional chapter endings, all believable. Put it on my shelf. Keep it up bro, great stuff.

Peace,

Keith G.

Greg, Love the dialogue, really convincing and being crazy about music I dig all the references to it. I also like your portrayal of a surly, irreverent teenager who thinks a lot of the world 'sucks.' Only read two chapters but I'm backing it!

Thanks for the support Greg :) Comparing our two styles, I don't think they could be much more different! Unique, very individual, it stands out a mile with a wicked sense of humour. Love the music references and your characters are well developed. I wasn't convinced upon reading the blurb, war doesn't usually make for a fun read but I was taken in by the quality of writing, you give the reader a great sense of time and setting. Will definitely be back to read more, well deserving of a place on my bookshelf I think!
Caroline

Very good about the feelings after 9/11 in the intro. Yours portrayl of feelings and emotion is excellent. Mother's death, visiting her body.

Natural prose, easy to read. Great descritpion on Andy's puberty - the whif of BO, I could almost smell it.

The innocence of school with the underlying threat posed by Kurt.

Very good.

On my watch list.

Joanna

Hi Greg. Interesting mix of political tension, playful antecdotes and intense emotions. Life, as so aptly termed. Your Voice is so authentic, I checked to see whether it was non-fiction. The thoughts glide out of your protagonist, from supressing feelings regarding his mother's death to rebellion at school (I'm not sure "aches" make a noise; perhaps "groans and moans" in chapter 2. Your references to bands adds much flavor and characterization. You build tension by having your protagonist repeatedly make the wrong decisions while revealing his potential as a talented writer. Although many teenagers would skip work to see the Replacements at City Garden, you create enough conflict between the protagonist's state of mind vs responsiblites, the reader is anxious to see what predicament will result. Excellent summary regarding his harming his sibling with drugs, without giving away the specifics. Shelved. Good luck. Janet Marie

Hi Greg
I'm backing this because its very well written even though its way out of any genre I read for fun.

I saw one of your comments in the forum and I thought, got to give the man a chance.

I think you observe characters particularly well very believable

Good luck

John

Damn Greg this is good. It brings back so much of my youth. It shouts out from all of us before we became sheep. There are a lot of curse words, but they belong and make the story believable. My characters in my fictions cuss too. It's a real part of life, even if people don't like it. I find many books I like here, but few that stick out like this one will. In fact I'd say this is one of my favorite two and I look forward to seeing the rest of it. Last week I would've said I was afraid I'd have to go on the desk at the same time you will, but I've stalled in the mid 300's. You will hit the desk with this, of that I have no doubt. Good luck with all you do. Kennesaw

This hits too close to home from my youth heh. So many well developed characters, dialog, situations.
So let's see if I have anything intelligent to say/share...(probably not)
I'm not sold on the prologue. I like it , written well, but part of me says jump right into the action. Possibly that's all the editing books/advice I've received though instead of what I feel...which is that its not a deal breaker.
It all makes me so nostalgic but also sadly feels a little dated. I wish it were published in 2002. I would've been all over it. Not that it doesn't have appeal now...it does...don't know. Possibly that I'm not reading much stuff like this anymore...all that Doug Coupland stuff (not that this fits his exactly) just hasn't drawn me like it used to...although I haven't checked out what he's published in a while so who knows. War is always an important topic so those aspects transcend I suppose. Actually that's a good question: What is the market here?
Dialog seems a real strength for you...was just rereading some to see what I hadn't said...that's the first that pops out.
Mm, might be too early for me to be writing reviews. In any case I'll have to stop back and read some more.
Great stuff in any case, great fun for me to read.
Best of luck with it.
-=Bradley Wind

I finally got to peruse the first 2 chapters! The pitch had me thinking I would not like your book…(due to all the “war” talk lol…I am a girl after all haha) HOWEVER I found it to be a surprisingly easy, light, enjoyable read. And nothing much about war at all…so far at least LOL. I love the voice of your main character, and his humor. IE…the description of Andy and his lack of hygiene made me smile, as well as getting high in class…lol….(I think I may have to write my next book in first person as you can bring out personality so much more)

lol…Mickey Mouse watch.
LOL…there’s life beyond Metallica
LMAO…I took Music Appreciation in college (so boring lol)

Funny stuff
I FOUND A MISTAKE!!!! **A light flickers on from the back of house. (of THE house J)

I was very excited to find that little error as I really thought there was going to be nothing for me to help you with lol.

Other than that all good, kept me laughing, and I’ll definitely be back for more chuckles :) Best of luck with this!!!
Cheryl

Greg,

There are many things I like about this and none I don't. I'm on a roll tonight with the good authonomy reads. Thanks for keeping it going. I am a lover of music, so you got me from the beginning. You have a great idea here and you definitely follow up with the execution.

I love the dialogue. And there are many phrases that I liked as well. "Man-child" comes to mind. Especially in the context in which it was used. And your opening was poignant without being overpowering. Which is quite an accomplishment, considering the subject matter. I enjoyed what I read and I look forward to coming back for more of it in the future.

Shelved.

Hi Greg,

Have been really enjoying this believable and immediate tale of nineties high-school, set against the backdrop of world-changing events echoing in the distance. The descriptions range from amusing to gut-wrenching and the main characters with their music and pop culture obsessions are definitely the sort of people I want to spend more time hanging out with.

Wasn't sure about the phrase 'quasi-rectangular' and I'm not a fan of ellipses as a general rule, but these are minor quibbles, your work has been shelved.

Sadly, books like this (and my own 'Wallfloweresque') seem to get stuck at 200 and something on here, just because they're more of a slow build. To succeed on Authonomy you need a bang-crash, pyrotechnics and fireworks opening. Which isn't the way it should be. Write a 10,000 word action sequence and you'll probably have more success, however hackneyed.

Al

I love what you have written so far... is there more? I have certainly played that "guess the music" game years ago driving down to the Jersey shore every summer with my older brother! I am shelving this one. I really think of any other book on this site, The Cheech Room would be right up your alley, especially the Trey character (chapter three)!

Great job on your writing and great read - hope you add more! Liz

Greg,
A poignant, cathartic narrative. The rambling style and the quirkiness makes it seem so real. I like the song "chunks", the talkiness, the sharing with the reader. Very good and unique. Glad to have it on my shelf.

Jeff

This chatty style is new to me, It's like sitting on a bus and listening to someone else's conversations. Authentic and compelling, the characters form out of the chatter, intriguing. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Hey Greg, Your dialog is very good and I find you really capture the spirit of the characters. Thanks for sharing. Eric

Hi Greg......... Thanks for directing me to your novel. Just read the intro and some of Part 1: I am definitely coming back for more. The storyteller has an interestly substantive voice. The reader, hopefully, knows something worthwhile is about to unfold. Great setup -- linking the war to something going on in Jersey between two teens. I have to know the connection. Will holler back when I'm done....... mebs

Contrary to some other commentators, personally I can see nothing wrong with the Introduction.

This is a snappily written story that I can see it will have much appeal to its target audience.

It is well written and the dialogue seems to me to be authentic but I am no expert here! And although some of the post modern phraseology was lost on this particular Dude, it did not stop me enjoying this read.
And by the time I reached Bob Dylan’s Mr Tambourine Man I was fully comfortable with the whole thing.

The descriptive passages were skilfully constructed and in those particularly one can see the author’s writing skill shining. Much more of this needs to be uploaded but on the basis of what is already here,Shelved.

Greg, this is very, very good.

Just one point about timing in ch 2, when Saylor lights up - there's no way he can be as stoned as you say he is in such a short time. Apart from that, I'm enjoying this (Zanello is a great character), and it's going on my shelf.

the initial promise is sustained...reading chapter by chapter....having break for tea and flapjack...just wanted to say really enjoying it...

Dear Greg, I've read the seven chapters you posted up of Zero Station and want to read more. You have created two very believable nihilistic teens in John and Andy, confronted with joining a world of which they don't feel a part. The musical backdrop to the story is a good idea, and the dialogue and setting very well described. Get's my backing! Many thanks, Andrew (author of BIG FISH)

OK, here I am with more detailed comments. It’s already on my shelf, so you can take any criticisms with a pinch of salt.

Your narrative voice is excellent and one of the main reasons I backed this in the first place. The switch between older John and younger John is very well done. There are subtle differences, but you can tell it’s the same guy. Which is as it should be.

In general, your ‘Introduction’ (or should that be prologue?) felt a bit rambling. And ok, I know it’s supposed to be rambling, because it’s almost like him thinking aloud, but I didn’t get the sense of shape from it that I got from the story proper. I enjoyed reading it, but to be honest I began to wonder what the fuss was about. It was only when you jumped back into the past that I really felt the story came alive.

Most of the time I think you were right there in John’s head, so although it’s set up as a memoir it reads as though it’s happening right now, rather than having that extra layer of older John looking back at younger John. Which is great. It gives it immediacy. But occasionally I wasn’t sure whether you had slipped into looking at younger John’s experiences through older John’s eyes. For instance, his description of his friend Andy. It’s a good description, don’t get me wrong. But I find it hard to believe any teenager would describe his friend as a ‘6’2” man-child’. Maybe I’m wrong. But there was just the odd description like that which didn’t feel absolutely in the time and place.

The next few chapters really set John’s character up well. I get the impression he’s his own worst enemy. The debate in chapter 4 drove me mad, because I really wanted him to come up with some better arguments and kick Frankie’s ass, but I knew he was too stoned to do it. Which meant what was funny in chapter 2 (which I loved, by the way) now becomes kind of sad. And shows you must be writing this pretty damn well, since I got so agitated on his behalf …

Anyway, this is good stuff, and I wish you well with it.

Comments on Chapters 1 and 2. Takes me back, this does, back to the days when music was music. Ha. Ha. You've got a confident voice here. Seemed to be a few too many "was" and "were" sentences early on in the intro, and some errors in dialogue attribution...

"Wait," he stops ... "Ahhh!!!" he points to the sky...

Have a look in a published book.

Hmm, mull in a classroom. Is this semi-autobiographical? Hammer-time - amusing!

Ok, I've read enough. This grounds us in a time and place, and with a character likeable enough despite his attitude. So on my revolving shelf!

Regards,

Tomw

Wow Greg! I wasn't expecting this. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but this is even better. I love the voice and your unique style. This has so much emotion, so much life... and death of course, since that's part of life, darn it. This is really good. It's going on my shelf.

Turns out this is pretty excellent, Greg. Time and place - I was there. Music references - work for me. (I was listening to Clash Live at Shea Stadium last night.) Very pithy descriptions. Teenage attitude - outer cockiness/inner uncertainty - done well.

Has to be shelved.

Good luck,

Mike

Greg
I had a Mrs. Kantner in high school also, you described her to a T...:)
I'm only at the end of chapter three but can see you're a talent writer with a wonderful voice for this story. I didn't really notice any mistakes though I wasn't too impressed with the song game at the very begining. I think it takes somethig away from the story. But maybe I'm wrong. As for the rest of your writing, it's top notch.
Placing this on my book shelf.
Jan

Janie, Lord D, Lallie, et. al --

What can I say? Thank you all so much for your overwhelmingly positive feedback. It's a strange thing to create a story in your head, put it to paper, send it out into the world...and then find out that the world is with you. Huh. It could've gone either way. Lucky me.

Thanks again, y'all --

G.

Check your added word in the line 'Andy again said told me' I'm not picking on you, just thought you'd like it to read correctly.
So, I'm now at a loss (loss of further chaps) so get busy and post them!

Thanks for catching the typo, J, and thanks for all of your comments. To be clear, though: mine is NOT a political book in the strictest sense. The Persian Gulf War provides a backdrop to John Saylor's story. John's internal "war" peaks and reconciles across the last three days of the Iraq War (Pt. 1) -- setting the tone, and also giving my narrative a sort of newsroom-typewriter backbeat.

-G

ZERO STATION (Greg Ippoloito)
The submitted material is just over 10 thousand words so it's unclear where the story is going. It opens with an exchange of song lines that will appeal to a small section of the reading population but possibly will turn the remainder away. There is also an "address to reader" which is out of fashion -- "the book you are about to read..."
That said, however, there is good characterisation and there are some interesting lines.
Backed in expectation of an interesting book.
mch

I don't really know what to say. Some people are naturally gifted at writing, some work extremely hard and achieve very little.

You are quite clearly the former. There is little I can say except that I find your writing exceptional. The description of how your protagonist felt while looking into the coffin of his mother was awesome.

Shelved, Janie

Saw this being promoted on the forums and started reading it when I should have been working ... As a consequence I have no time for a detailed crit right now, but I will come back. In the meantime, I'll just say that what I've read so far is excellent and it's going on my shelf.

Shit! This is seriously good. You really dragged me back to that school and I love the use of music throughout this. The whole piece is littered with great phrases and anecdotes; 'frostier than a witch's tit' priceless. I love it and it's one of the few pieces on here that leaves me really wanting more. SHELVED

Check your added word in the line 'Andy again said told me' I'm not picking on you, just thought you'd like it to read correctly.
So, I'm now at a loss (loss of further chaps) so get busy and post them!

You've developed some great characters, like Derrick, but I hope this isn't distracting from the main story line. But its a hard call, because I don't have the succeeding chps to read.
Shoot me another email (to the addy you have) once you post them, or send them to me via WORD.doc thru email if they aren't complete yet?-J

The descriptions of your hometown mirror the retirement community that Jim has to live with before he bails after getting fired on the apricot farm. I like the use of lyrics in dialogue from the characters: "these ancient, empty streets too dead for dreaming." This is how we spoke back in the day, and I'm just hoping publishers don't nab either one of us for doing this. I think we are covered under 'fair use" in copyright law-it'd be a shame if we had to expunge all the dialogue of reality. On to chp 7!-J

Interesting that your chp 5 mirrors a bit of my chp 5 in TAT.

I like this chp (4) because you've hit the key arguments. One of the things I do with TAT is to try to mirror a bit of what happened with the Vietnam War with the Irag War (Leadership bullshitting the public about what was really going on -Nixon lying about bombing Cambodia, etc. and Bush's Axis of Evil crap). In both cases both Presidents cap on trying to define what 'patriotism' is. Its time we quit letting tin Pres's define it for us. This is my ultimate challenge in TAT.

In the case of Irag, many kids signed up for duty NEVER expecting to actually have to go and fight (i.e.: Army ads running the airwaves showing a war of technology --not body bags coming in on morgue planes). So, as a consequence, many minorities joined thinking the military was a great way to get a job and get out of the ghettos.

I will be watching (reading) very closely, and I hope you get the remaining chps up. I want to see how you handle this, as I think that this discussion (War and what it really means) is an important one for America at this time in our history. I also work the idea in TAT that many of us who were willing to leave our hometowns, families we loved, friends (in the case of TAT, Jim has to leave his best friend Nick behind) and even take on different citizenships in order to not fight a war we would be drafted into (and remember, we didn't have the right to vote, as JS and his generation does in your novel, were patriots too in the sense of 'Civil Disobedience.'

The bottom line: there were two types of patriots during Nam. Those who died in the killing fields, and those that searched for meaning beyond war and fell prey to all kinds of wierd things like drugs and communes.

Let's keep collaborating on these issues as we read each other's work. I love your writing style, although I steered clear of the 'smart ass' student deal, as we got that in 'Catcher in the Rye,' but you are doing a good job of it so far. I will continue to read on to chps 5-7.
J

This is good! "Puberty hit Andy like a freight train and had been dragging him down the rails ever since."I'm big on short first chps that set up the story, and you have done so. Your writing is tight and well thought out, and you are using images that are familiar to the reader to place and time and setting of the novel. I will keep reading on and commenting. In the meantime, I've backed you-J

I am throughly impressed. This is wonderful. The tone is vivid in my mind as I'm reading...My suggestion is only a small one and can be taken or left, some of your nuggets felt a little tired. Such as (colder than a witch's tit) I think that compared to your nuggets of the air and dragon's breath...

I feel you. There was a delicate balance I had to take here. Remember that the narrator is only sixteen-years-old. "Witch's tit" is pretty on-par for such a kid. And he's narrating in the present tense, but writing ten years after the fact -- so I had to balance the mind of a now-thoughtful 26-year-old, with the voice of his remembered 16-year-old former self. It was rough.

When in doubt, I went with authenticity over cleverness. The reader needs to see/hear/feel John more than he/she needs to know how well I can craft a dazzling analogy.

I am very glad you liked it, Rachel May. And if I haven't said it yet, GOING TWICE was just terrific --

G.

I am throughly impressed. This is wonderful. The tone is vivid in my mind as I'm reading. The narration it witting and intense. Personally, I'm not really ready to read stories about 911. Maybe it's because it just hits closer to home than I'd like, or perhaps it's because the wound still feels fresh. But I like this. I like the character that you're bringing to the surface. The way the copy cuts off and rewinds almost as the narrator stops and says, yeah, let's not go there just yet. The bit about the mother in the coffin was well realized. And I have no doubt that this will make it's way to the ED's desk sooner rather than later. My suggestion is only a small one and can be taken or left, some of your nuggets felt a little tired. Such as (colder than a witch's tit) I think that compared to your nuggets of the air and dragon's breath, you can do so much better. So I challenge you to make up your own analogies for referencing stuff because this is such a unique voice that I think you should be coming up with phrases that people try to emulate and copy. For me, I have had a big problem killing stuff like this in my own writing, so I know, seriously, I know, how hard it can be. And I know it sucks. But I truly believe that by reworking the overused sayings you're story will be the better for it.

Shelved. I'm really impressed. Well done.

Rachel May

So I've read all seven chapters, actually skimmed through a few -- yes you are a good writer, believable characters good voice, i feel that you've made them life like. I think that I was waiting for something to happen - by chapter seven they cheat on the SAT - reading the synopsis they are supposed to have drugged his brother? I could have missed that, but didn't see it. I'd like you to bring this more to the forefront -- I think it will pull the reader in more. I love your writing, but I'd like to come and look at it again after a revisioin to back.

The younger brother is found -- having ODed -- at the very beginning of Part 2 (shortly after what you read). Because of the story's quintessence (i.e., about a lethargic teenager trying to disengage from his world), I felt it necessary to start slow and gradually take you through a day in John's life (since every day is the same, and since, while nothing happens, everything happens -- his non-actions are the seeds of violent forests that will sprout and swallow him up).

It's slow-paced by design. Yes, it's been suggested to me that the big action should be moved up. And yes, I've been told that the novel needs a "hook." These pieces of advice are just not valid. The book is what it is. And, IMHO, it's okay to have a book with a gradual pace. Also, IMHO, the publishing world's favorite term -- "hook" -- is often synonomous with "gimmick." And a gimmick often falls apart eventually.

I think of a book like Jonathan Franzen's THE CORRECTIONS. There's no hook. There's no big plot bomb -- early on or otherwise. It's four separate narratives (Alfred/Enid, Chip, Gary, Denise) that unfold individually, each crossing one another here and there until it dovetails together around Christmas in St. Jude at the end. And it's a beautiful, engaging, spectacular book. A National Book Award winner. Now, had Franzen's agent had sent that m.s. over to an editor at Some Big Publishing House under a psydonym (i.e., if said editor thought this book was by some new, unknown author), what would the reaction have been? "It needs a hook," perhaps. "It's really well written, but nothing's happening. You said something about the father falling off a boat. Can that happen in the first chapter? Play around with it and I'll be happy to look at a rewrite."

Laughable.

-G

Hi Greg,
Gotta tell ya, you have some of the smoothest writing I've encountered on this site. I hope more people get word of this and give it a chance, it's worth the time. As far as the writing itself, there's nothing I can suggest as far as improvement, it reads perfectly in my opinion. I do voice the same concerns as the previous reader as far as the slow start, but seeing how it's marketed as a work of literary fiction I don't see it as a "deal breaker." It did strike me as odd that the narrator repeatedly refers to his mother as "Jeannie" rather than "Mom" or "Mother," so much so that I went back to check if Jeannie was his step-mother rather than biological. Of course, you may have your own reasons for this. I place this on my shelf without hesitation. Great work and I wish you the best of luck!

Matt

Thanks a bunch, Matt. Yes, there is a very specific reason he calls her Jeanine, but that isn't revealed until the second part of the book.

Glad you liked it so much. Thanks again, and please do spread the word. All this hype I'm getting, but I'm only on 4 bookshelves. ?!?!

-G

So I've read all seven chapters, actually skimmed through a few -- yes you are a good writer, believable characters good voice, i feel that you've made them life like. I think that I was waiting for something to happen - by chapter seven they cheat on the SAT - reading the synopsis they are supposed to have drugged his brother? I could have missed that, but didn't see it. I'd like you to bring this more to the forefront -- I think it will pull the reader in more. I love your writing, but I'd like to come and look at it again after a revisioin to back.