Dragonfly Curfew

As good a read as 'Taming the Sun'! Very well done. Chapter one was brilliant, so evocative it drew me on. Chapter 2,3 and 4 are a bit more 'normal' but I love how you can set a scene, and Julia is a great character. As far as nitpicks go, who am I to talk? But- in chp1 'firey' should be 'fiery'...that's about the only typo that leapt out at me.

Well written, Daniel, and deserves a place on my shelf for a time.

Elaina
(House of Valla)

Thanks for inviting me to read your work. I can feel Teaheaca's struggles on his journey in the first chapter. I will be back to read more as time permits. Good writing. I've enjoyed the first chapter. Good luck with your book. I think it should be picked up soon.

STUNNING! Wonderful. The pacing the word choices, the characters. WOW! I am just unreal. So much fun to read. I have a feeling you won't be on this site for very long with a book like this. You're bound to be picked up, and then I'll get to tell all my friends I read it first.

Wonderful job
Rachel May

As good a read as 'Taming the Sun'! Very well done. Chapter one was brilliant, so evocative it drew me on. Chapter 2,3 and 4 are a bit more 'normal' but I love how you can set a scene, and Julia is a great character. As far as nitpicks go, who am I to talk? But- in chp1 'firey' should be 'fiery'...that's about the only typo that leapt out at me.

Well written, Daniel, and deserves a place on my shelf for a time.

Elaina
(House of Valla)

Daniel, I like a tough lady giving it to the boys. And this does. I read on past the first chapter into something I recognised rather better and decided I liked what I saw. Chapter 1 is good, mind but a few things jarred a little. Some of your messages about time are confusing. The first paragraphs mention morning, then a dragon fly, silvered by starlight. A dragonfly? At night? Later we learn it is, indeed, night. Then you show us the man committing colours to memory as he son walks down the hill.

A day and a half since he’d eaten, sure. But he’d have to drink with all that exercise, especially in the jungle.

Please, please, kill the ‘off of’ and any others you have. That ‘of’ is always, always redundant and 'off of' will jar the sensibilities of all but the Americans.

Like MM, I feel you'd be better served by feeding in Julia's back story where it's needed and not in a big lump.

All in all, though, a good read - which is what it's all about. All the best.

Chapter 2

There is some fine writing here, and the dialogue certainly gives and impression of the time but I would like to make a couple of constructive comments. I'd have liked the avariciousness and manipulative character of Samuel Darling to be more obvious, not quite a pantomime baddie, but certainly more sinister and setting up greater expectation of a man who would take a widows last for his own profit.

You also have a wonderful vehicle her to introduce the character of Ali Diega; his portrait. Its existence speaks volumes about his fiscal success, and the portrait watching over Darling and his clerk as they wait to squeeze his widow for cash would allow internal dialogue between Daring and his conscience and show the trepidation with which Samuel would have dealt with Diega in contrast to the way he was planning on bullying Diega's widow.

I was also a bit uncertain as to the religion of the characters. Was Diega Muslim? Is Samuel Jewish? Was the Christian burial a hint at this and a joke?

I hope this is useful to you. I will continue to read the rest over the next few days.

Hi Daniel,

There is some lovely writing here. I think the passages of dialogue work very well, pushing the story forward and showing character beautifully. I found, however, that the narrative was less flowing and a little too slow for me. There cerainly is depth to your work and I'm sure lovers of this genre with adore this.

I wish you all the best of luck with this.
Kat

That was entirely enjoyable. Spotted a couple of typos, which I unhelpfully failed to write down, but the pacing is excellent, and the characters, particularly Julia and Robert, are interesting. There is some wonderfully evocative description there too. Might want to tighten up the first chapter a little somehow, though.

Thanks for inviting me to read your work. I can feel Teaheaca's struggles on his journey in the first chapter. I will be back to read more as time permits. Good writing. I've enjoyed the first chapter. Good luck with your book. I think it should be picked up soon.

STUNNING! Wonderful. The pacing the word choices, the characters. WOW! I am just unreal. So much fun to read. I have a feeling you won't be on this site for very long with a book like this. You're bound to be picked up, and then I'll get to tell all my friends I read it first.

Wonderful job
Rachel May

Daniel,

What a wonderful read! You have done such an amazing job of developing these characters. From the very first chapter, with Teahuaca, you build very believable personalities. These people are strong, especially Julia and Teahuaca, but you show their weaknesses so that, rather than becoming either paradigms or parodies, they seem to take on life of their own. They feel real.

I really enjoyed your description in this book. Like the last story of yours that I read, your writing is very formal, but here it seems to flow rather than drag. You paint beautiful pictures that fit perfectly with historical fiction. I was very intrigued by the story and I would love to see you post more of this. It seems a shame to stop reading. :)

That said, there are still a few places where your sentences begin to drag. While grammatically correct, you have a tendency of writing very wordy phrases and, in some instances, this is very distracting. For example, in the first chapter you say "There needed to be some farewell made, but he knew not how." It's structure is more complex than it needs to be. It would be better to simplify such phrases so that they don't pull the reader's attention away unnecessarily. "He needed to bid them farewell, but he knew not how," or something similar, would flow better.

I would suggest reading through this, slowly and possibly aloud, to see what sentences seem to drag.

Good luck with this! I really think you could do wonderful things here.

I like the story. You write well and it has been well proof-read. The only typo I saw was two 'u's in a could. The pace of your storytelling is excellent. Everything moves in a steady pleasing rythm. I will certain read on. I like your style of prose.

I do have a couple of comments on what I am sure are intentional choices in writing style. You use a lot of colons. The proper use of a colon is most commonly found in more technical writings following an introductory phrase for a list of points, reasons or technical attributes. A colon might be the least interesting form of punctuation at our disposal. in your context they are not technically correct. I think you know this but have chosen them as a style point. You might want to reconsider replacing them with commas or semicolons. It could be a turnoff when your book is reviewed by a perspective agent. The other is the repeated use of sentences without verbs. I know this is intentional but it again may be a turnoff. New writers aren't afforded the benefits of Faulkner.

DB

Hi Daniel,
I think you are a very good writer, technically you are very smooth. You bring us believable characters and a realistic point of view. My only hesitation in backing this is that there are so many stories start with a fight, a hunt, something like that. I'd like to see something a little more original. I'm going to have to think about this one and come back, maybe read more later.
all the best
karen

Beautifully written, filled with originality, engaging and detailed... this book very easily transports the reader into another time and place. My biggest regret, here, is being unable to read it all in one go.

I'm up to chapter 3, and I've found only one typo (same chapter): 'those wh could fall too easily in love, their was an...' - of course, you meant 'there'.
Is icey an English spelling? In the U.S. there's no 'e'.
And for the nit pick: I may have missed it, but I can't recall whether you ever mentioned, in the text of your story, where this is all taking place. The only clue, as I recall, was the mention of a jaguar tribe, which puts part of the story in South America. Then there is the mention of England, Spain, the Moors, but where are we now?

I have one more grievance, but I'll relay it in your messages. I'll be reading more later.
MAP

Daniel,
I've read the first chapter. All I will say so far is that this is good writing. I must take a break, but I will be back to read more and comment on the story...

Til then, rest on my shelf awhile.
MAP

DRAGONFLY CURFEW (Daniel Westrahan)
The story holds promise of being "definitely different."
Not often you read about a woman taking charge of a tea clipper, and in particular from under the noses of the money lenders.
The first chapter deals with narrative reflection of an aboriginal in (presumably) the South American jungle before he's taken captive to a ship.
The authors might reflect on which subject would be the more likely to catch the eye of the casual reader of first pages, and provoke her to purchase the book.
Although from the blurb it was made clear that the ship "Dragonfly" was intact, when I read, "of course he'd lost the Dragonfly" I was confused; the additions of a few words explaining or expanding the loss of this ship was not at sea but due to using it as surety, might help. This type of thing is always more obvious to the writer than the reader.
There are some well turned phrases, such as, "like a monkey down from a tree, he lay disoriented and dizzy," which give not only a good metaphorical description but also a sense of place.
There are also some phrases that would fall into Elmore's, "if it reads like writing -- rewrite it." For instance, "assailed by the cloying stench," "Hungry blue eyes."
Transition is sometimes a problem. Phrases like, "it turned out," "when Julia returned," could be eliminated with advantage.
Some descriptive references could be expanded with benefit, "ornaments on the mantelpiece" could be described with added interest.
There are instances where the Spell Checker failed, as they always do, requiring a second reader, the author often misses these himself (speaking from aggravated experience).

Good story, well told, and backed.
mch