The Last Castle

Mad Max in spirit which is a good thing, solid, believable world where the quest to find something human is well played

I like it - it's really pulled me in and I want to read more.

Keep it up Daniel.

Daniel, i finally found some quiet time to review the majority of your novel. i like the story. that being said i am going to give you the same advice that someone else gave me, your MS needs some editing work. you have a penchant (just as i do) to over use adverbs and adjectives, making the story too bogged down in detail. pick out unnecessary descriptive words to make your sentences simpler and to the point...i found myself skimming over wordy details and lengthy paragraphs. And i will admit that i am a heavy user of adv & adj...you see the same thing in my MS that is in yours. i'm working through my chapters to pick out unnecessaries in order to make it tight and solid...but this is your book, your work....and your welcome to trash this comment, haha. it is a good story though.

Hope you had a great weekend!!!!!! :o)

Daniel, I read through Ch.1 and loved your vivid imagery. You instantly catapulted me into a horrificly dark post-apoc world. I did get lost a little in the dialogue but I will admit that my 2 yr old nephew was running around screaming and laughing while I was reading this so I will definitely get back to it when I have some quite time so that I can truly focus and give this promising story my full attention!

Hi Daniel,

Thank you for your vote on Time Travel Journals! I'm delighted you like it. I've added The Last Castle to my WL and will look at it ASAP.

Thanks!
Marlene

Daniel,
I just finished ch.3 and I must admit that your world is very enticing- I love the dark and gloomy, the ever present disease waiting to strike, the futility of the wasteland. Your imagery electrified all of my senses. While this is not the usual book I would persue, if I were not leaving on vacation in the morning I am interested enough to continue reading.
I enjoyed your dialogue, but when the Shepherd was speaking I felt that you could have maintained the dialect better- one sentence would be full of quai's and ee's and then the next sentence a dead on, perfectly grammatical one.
Also I was kind of stunned by the one "fuck off" I found- NOT for the vulgarity, because if you read my work you'd fall over from some of my dialogue, but because I expected a less commonly used phrase for the comment. Something unique to their society, not ours.
As I said, I love your use of language and the whole feel of your work. I did have one problem with the Shepherd, wearing a gown of cow-hide- I don't see how it would dip and ripple like water. I don't see it as that-flexible, for lack of a better word. Silk, yes. Cow hide I didn't buy.
I've got you on my WL, will continue when back from the trip.
Good luck!
Cy
the Neverlight

Hi Daniel!

You have created a fascinating future world for us here which I’m sure will grant pleasure to many who read your books. I’m going to place this on my shelf.

However, I think you need to seriously rethink the beginning of this novel. The scene as the two Angels enter the Wasteland is very interesting and the action in the Shepherd’s ‘palace’ is wonderful. Unfortunately, the opening scenes of the dream and then the psychologist’s surgery are – although very well written – what I believe is termed in the literary business… boring. (But, that’s only my opinion, so feel free to ignore it. I also think that the prologue to ‘The Eye of the World’ by Robert Jordan – the first book in the ‘Wheel of Time’ series – is boring, and yet the series as a whole is my favourite contemporary work of fiction.)


Here’s some notes I took as I read your story:-

How can a face be ‘bland’ if it contains ‘striking’ blue eyes?

Is the use of the name ‘Malik’ deliberate? I presume you know it means ‘tribal leader’ in Pashto and is the Arabic word for ‘king’?

Now I know that Malik is an ‘Angel’, but once lived with the Unrat, and is now going out into the waste as an adult warrior, I’m reminded of the ‘Sky Warrior’ character from the Amtrak books, Steve who was a mutant born in the Federation but who goes out to live amongst the D’Troit Mutants in the waste (It’s years since I read the series, so I’ve probably got the names wrong, lol).

If they have no knowledge of road making, how do they keep the road in good repair? Doesn’t it get overgrown with weeds? Don’t trees grow in pot holes?

Signs straddle the road? With the wind of centuries, surely these would have collapsed long ago? I remember in the beginning of the old ‘Tripod’ books (John Christopher, was it?) there was a scene with a sign outside a building. The sign said ‘_lec___city’ and the people called their village ‘Lec City’ assuming that was its ancient name, because they’d no knowledge of ‘electricity’. The point is, signs would be badly damaged and blown to the floor, if not illegible like the ‘lec city’ sign in John Christopher’s book.

There is a big contradiction in Brennan’s character. You say ‘he has no love of the Wasteland’ when he’s introduced, but then ‘It is one of Chalcae’s hobbies, the study of these ruins…’ How can he have a hobby studying the Wasteland if he doesn’t like it??

Typo – ‘… that hemight grant them safe passage -> …that He might grant…

Typo – ‘ …, has studied (a their history, and ….’

‘the great road, its tarmac shining like a river…’ – again, this sounds like a well maintained road. How can it be maintained with no technology to do it?

There are so many opportunities in this chapter to end chapter one earlier on a cliffhanger which forces the reader to turn the page to answer a question you’ve planted in their brain. For example, imagine if the chapter ended with the Shepherd about to kill Chalcae. The reader would turn the page and begin chapter two simply to find out what happened to Chalcae next.

I hope something I said here helps.

Best wishes,
Chris :-)

There's something about this story which is hypnotic Daniel. I don't quite know what it is, but it has the feel of fantasy to me, rather than science fiction. The language is dense and poetic. I find, as I always do, the use of present tense distracting, I think because it makes me feel as if I'm observing through a third person's eyes. There were so many ideas packed into this long first chapter too. The idea of the 'angels' was fascinating, and the unrat - being human but not human was very strange. I found the use of 'quai' by the 'Shepherd' rather irritating and self conscious. The idea that dreams should be taken away fitted well into this world you are building. I liked the fact that Kailan straddled the two worlds and you built suspense around this, with Chalcae's reaction to him. I shall watchlist this.

Tricia

First off - I’m here about the WRITING, not to point out typos or other (whose-who’s, which-that, who-whom, or whatever) errors. I’m a writer, not an editor. So I want to see what kind of a yarn you are capable of weaving, and how you go about spinning the threads.

From what I have learned from others on this site, opening a novel with a weather description is a definite no-no. In fact, several members (who seem to know what they are talking about) have commented that many agents will immediately toss any project they receive that opens with a weather description. And you might want to tone down the inner musings and retrospective depictions in chapter one--just a bit.


Your writing voice is excellent, with nice phrasing and many exceptional expressions. You might want to change ‘by a thousand feet’ to ‘by thousands of feet.’ A thousand feet is only five hundred persons--probably not enough to cause noticeable wear on pavement.

Using Kailan’s conversation with the doctor is good--filling in back story by way of dialogue. Nice technique. Like the white room dream sequence. Ahhh--a plague brought about this place and time. The Unrat creatures are an interesting twist. …bent double under the heavy burden of their own resignation--great line. Evocative.

And Kailan has better sense than does Chalcae, so it’s only fitting he shoots the Unrat leader in the scene with the Shepherd.

The Apoc? Shortening of The Apocalypse?

Chalcae’s ruminations about his partner and the changes he sees is a good way to open chapter two. Ahhh--the mystery of the metallic object she removes from the flesh of the dead man’s hand. Hmmm. Aha! The identichip - the Unrat have learned the ways of guile, and rise up against the angels. And they attempt to sway Kailan into returning to his roots.

Chapter two is much more tightly written, and nicely carried along by action sequences. Chapter three is even better.

This is what I look for in a read--something different. Good job.

Just a message to anyone reading the book: I agree totally with the comments about the first chapter and....but persevere through the second chapter, because the pace really quickens and you won't want to put it down.

Hello Daniel,

I've read your first chapter and took down some notes as I read. I truly hope that the critisisms are constructive as I've enjoyed the plot so far:

In the beginning dream section, it seems that Kailin is walking towards a crypt through some mist. However, I thought he was on a boat at first because the first thing you mention is the sea. You might want to change that.

I would not use "chalk-dust cloud" for what sounds like a wet and gloomy scene.

I'd cut down the description after Kailin awakes. You don't need to mention that he's never engaged with the magnificent world that has given him everything. There's a lot of description here, but I don't feel like I know the character any more after reading it.

"He has been dreaming again" - I know, I just read about the dream - delete.

I am actually somewhat intrigued by the story, but I feel like the writing is getting in the way a bit. Try to edit it down. Focus on the action, not on the description, especially of the past.

Here's a good example of that - "Chalcae whistles out through his teeth." I know that "Chalcae whistles" is not entirely the same as your sentence, but it probably serves the purpose well enough.

Alright I've read to the end of the first chapter. I say this with all due respect - I've sometimes had a hard time deciphering what is going on. Every time someone does something or a new character is introduced it is accompianied by a whole bunch of backstory; that makes it very difficult to follow the action. The descriptions are vivid but I feel that they often go on for too long. Take the Unrat, for example. You spend about three paragraphs describing them. I'd scale that back to about three sentences. Your descriptions are vivid enough to concentrate on the action. I mean that as a compliment.

That is especialy important as the action so far has been pretty cool. Focus on that, not on the descriptions and backstory. Let the backstory reveal itself as the action progresses. Cut your descriptions in half, at least. I read that Hemingway tried to write as short of sentences as was possible for him. I have tried that myself and it has helped me. Focus on the emotions that you are trying to evoke as much as the scene you are trying to describe. I am sure that this all sounds very critical but I would not take the time to write this much if I didn't think there was anything to your story. It seems very interesting and I wish you the best of luck with it.

This is soooooo exciting, and I've only read chapter's one and two. Can't wait to see what happens next.

Hi Daniel. I've read the first chapter of your book. You are so excellent at creating settings and places: this reminds me a little of the "Dark Tower" books by Stephen King. They are post apocalyptic and, as in your book, once you are drawn in to that world, you just want to keep on reading.
Superlynx
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