The Reduction of Polkey

great title and great summary. Just delved into first chapter and will definately read on.

Hello,

I found your novel while scrolling through the crime charts. I liked the title and the synopsis intrigued me--so well done! I think a good title is half the battle won in trying to get people to read one's work.

I agree with the other comments here about the first chapter. But I think the problem is one of narrative focus. I can't cut and paste so bear with me.

When Karl answers the phone, we don't get to hear the other side of the conversation. Now, this is important because it tells the reader that we are in a particular kind of restricted third person narrative--we only "see" what is happening, as though we were watching a film. But if you do this, you have to be consistent--you can't give us access to Karl's thoughts--so no grumbling that he's had a hard week, problems with stocks etc. You can't tell us he's aware of something because then you're not being consistent.

You begin in media res which is great but the scene you've chosen leaves out the most important detail--what the Duchess said. Karl knows what she said, but you're keeping this secret from the reader. Immediately we have a problem; Karl has access to information that the reader doesn't. This makes it harder for us to establish a bond with him. Another example, is when you mention the cat's move being textbook--who is saying this? Answer: the narrator, but previously there has been little sign of the narrator as a personality within the text.

Anyway, hope this helps. The dialogue is great, and the characters are interesting so once you've ironed out the point of view issue, I think you'll have a great read here.

I too jumped in here because you had so few comments. I would tend to agree with KR and you about chapter one...therefore I will read more after I'm finished with the day job...

Thanks, K, for your comments. Everyone who's read this always loves the cat! It's why I've put it up here. But I know you are right. People I trust have read this and say that the narrative gets better and clearer as it proceeds, but that the first chapter in particular is cluttered and confusing. I need to work on it, as I do think the whole thing could work quite well, but at present I'm committed to But Wide Awake is Best.

Hi Yasmin
I started reading your other piece on here but had noticed you had no comments on this one so thought I'd take a look in an attempt to be helpful. 'But Wide Awake is Best' is probably more my kind of thing and I enjoyed what I read of it. I don't read much crime fiction so forgive me if my comments below aren't much use.

The first chapter jumps around quite a lot, introducing loads of characters and plot strands and I'm afraid I struggled to keep up. You weave in lots of detail, which is good, but it might be distracting me from the key storylines, which is probably bad.

I didn't buy that Karl wouldn't be fazed by a reference to Ban Ki Moon but couldn't even guess that Llanelli is in Wales. Is it important that he doesn't guess that straightaway because it did distract me with thinking 'who (in Britain) doesn't know that double l names are likely to be Welsh?' Surely the oddities of the Welsh language are part of the national frame of reference?

I'm two chapters in and am wondering if it might be worth dropping in the scale of what Karl's got into/is up against is. So far I'm certain of nothing. He's in trouble but I don't know what trouble. I think you need to give some more clues to avoid losing your readers. So far the characters are good, the dialogue's good but the story hasn't really got going. I think you need to start with a bigger, and simpler, bang. Perle comes across very clearly as an intellectual but I think an early reference to the struck off barrister bit would give him the slightly dodgy angle he needs to fit in here. The cat is just great.

Hope these comments are some use to you anyway. K