Shadow Man

A powerful read that is well crafted with shifing tense and a mood of forbodding that seems always be just out of reach. C W

Very real and very creepy - the sting on Paige's leg in the derelict house, her shadow smiling at her. And what's got into Justin at the end of chapter one?
The dialogue and description is excellent and there's foreboding all through - Alec's days are numbered, that we know. Only criticism was the change from past to present tense in the narrative when Justin is getting beaten by Billy at the beginning of ch1.
Apart from that, a great atmopheric thriller. Backed. Lynn

This is an intriguing and engaging story that you keep moving at a great pace. It's enough to keep the reader engaged and interested, which is a good start. Justin is an interesting first viewpoint, and shifting around provides us with a larger scope to this thriller.

One thing you need to do is edit this piece. There are particular problems with comma splices, as well as missing commas prior to direct address. There's also the occasional typo, and while these things don't particularly eclipse the underlying plot, making sure the prose is as error-free as possible will provide a more professional impression of your work.

That said, this is a great start. Best of luck!
Abi xxxx

I have to be honest, when I first started reading it didn't catch my attention. But as the story moves on it becomes more interesting and the contrast makes for good tension. Overall an intriguing story.

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

I really like your use of foreshadowing and easily shifting tenses. Your book gathers momentum quickly. Your use of imagery coupled with your descriptive writing style makes your finely crafted thriller a most enjoyable read. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

This is good!
I think how you keep the storyline moving is very clever. Shifts in perspective, tense and the fractionation between humour and the thriller/horror element is extremely well handled, it could have become very messy but in my eyes it made for great reading.
Imaginative, pushing the boundaries this is great. How much you would need to tighten this up would need to be between yourself and your editor. – Good luck with it.

Hi Josh, I noticed how well you handled switches in tense and then how quickly you could switch from humor into horror. Justin’s family seems so normal and his father thinks he is but the last paragraphs in Chapter 1 apparently brought out something else in him. There’s a disturbing mystery here and it is led up to so very well. With the synopsis, this promises to be a page-turner. Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

bloody hell, I like this. I thought the pitch was great. really selling the stpry without spoiling it for the reader. The normality of the townspeople's lives is a wonderful haven for the evil that is among them. The imagery is vivid and really sits in the mind. Definitely want to see this as a movie. facebook, it, blog it whatever, get this out there.

Very promising for one so young...glad to back it...best wishes
Stewart

Backed with confidence! Tom Ryerson (Carnal Wreckage)

Great opening which is well written with imagination and style. I do not nit pick as I am still in the process of editing our own but from what I can see, you have done a great job - andy and vesna
When Spirits Break Free

good start, well written, great descriptions, enjoyed and backed John Warren Lasting Images.

Well written. dark and creepy
with gathering suspense.
Shelved with a shiver.
typos... disappear and confusion... in the pitch.
mikegili The Free

Shadow Man
Josh Osborne

I love your cover. Pretty creepy - but then this is a thriller. Chapter one read well and the ending with its violence may give me nightmares - that's how effective this scene was with Justin digging his thumbs into Billy's eyes. "He heard his eyes pop under pressure and screamed loud..." (loudly?) Could he cry tears without eyes? But that didn't matter because he would never be able to do anything again as Justin lifted his foot over his jugular, came down hard, and Billy heard a snap. Phew! HOpe I don't have mightmares tonight. I'll refrain ftrom reading more now just in case (!) and continue with the next chapter tomorrow. Glad to have given this a spin on my shelf Josh. Good potential in the writing and I think all you need is a slight edit (we all do!).
Zan

Great plot but biggie probs to sort out before you go further, as well as occasional typos like 'there' instead of their after 'fight fight. You leap from Justin's head to Billy's. Can;t be done - choose one or the other. You change from past to present tense and back again. These two are serious and need sorting.
I say that to be helpful because the narrative otherwise is pacy an exciting.
Rosalind
Good For Him

What a great story - menacing, imaginative and thrilling. Your pitch is well structured and I enjoyed the chapters I read. In particular, your first chapter is very solid with a hugely powerful ending. The only thing I would consider is replacing a few commas with full stops for impact. For instance in your last sentence you write 'and then nothing, he never heard...' I would write:

Billy heard a snap and then nothing.
He never heard anything again.

It's a minor thing and that aside, I think this is a great horror thriller. Happy to back.
Carl
The Time HUnters

Josh,
I just finished Shadow Man. I thought you did a great job in developing a dark subject (no pun here). I felt like you may have over used the expletives, but I am sensitive to that sort of thing. The story is well constructed, the characters are well developed, and I really would like to know more about the Shadow Man himself. I have many questions.

I enjoyed the simple townspeople living their simple lives, fighting their simple fights, being attacked by simple cayotes --yeah, uh huh. You peaked my interest from chapter to chapter, and you painted very believable extraordinary situations. It was a good read, and I do want to know more.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts.......

Well Done! Hats off to you. I back your book, minus the language.

PawPaw Mike LaRiviere
Eden's Door

Cool story, well written. Language is a little strong, but some readers like that. Good luck with it.

D.E. LaRiviere (AKA Milo Saint) Six of One

This is a very well written story. I like the dark undertones to your writing, it kept me involved and held my attention. Small towns always harbor secrets and provide great backdrops for a story like this. I couldn't find anything in your work that doesn't fit or needs improving. But I'm not the best proofreader around! I think you've got a wonderful premise here, unique and refreshing.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Great line "you broke my fucking eyes" This is a really great story. You are a super story teller and succeed in engaging the reader from the start.

Very happy to shelve this compelling read.
Melxx
Impeding Justice

Welcome aboard, Josh. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch works. With the long pitch, break it down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. Good that you end it with a succinct question so it piques your reader's interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Dear Josh, I love the intrigue in your story - I'd be afraid to go anywhere if I were in that town - I'm glad I am here in California. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

SHADOW MAN
I like stories of everyday people living in small towns who suddenly find themselves in unusual circumstances. So I liked this book a lot. Setting this in the real world makes it seem so much more real than if you’d invented a fantasy world for your setting. Having your characters be real people instead of vampires or demons (except for Shadow Man) is a second big plus. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Very well-written. Good concept and engaging opening.

Backed!

Donna Burgess (Darklands)

I really really enjoyed this! You will have to let me know if you ever post the rest.

Once some more careful editing is done this book will be fantastic. The only thing that bugged me at all was the pov switched so often and so abruptly in the first chapter - but once I got used to it it was okay-
just lots of small grammar like their-there to- to and a personal pet peeve is ya'll should be y'all

You have a chilling story here, an exciting one, but the writing is hampered by the many things that have already been pointed out below. If you can begin tidying your work you should be able to see the story shine through on it's own. Best of luck.

Andrew

Exciting and well written - backed

Kev(Catherine Wheel Alley)

What a brutal end to chapter one. Dark...very dark. I feel a needful things sort of devilry settleing over the town. HAveing the school boy open threw me for a few paragraphs, but no harm done.

Your opening chapter provide multiple view points, which is something I always find interesting. We always see it in movies and read it in books, but unfortunately, I don't think many of us end up in Justin's position as young teenage lads. haha. I like how Paige writes about her brother reading her diary in her diary. Your foreshadowing of the menace of the shadows is compelling. Good stuff, here.

The only thing you need to work on is grammar. After a piece of dialogue, you need a comma. "No way you're going in there," Jack said. In many instances, you put a period: "No way you're going in there." Jack said. That's incorrect.

My only other comment is that in one scene you kept switching between past and present tense.

I'm also writing a novel that uses multiple viewpoints and revolves around high school. It's called HELL.

Hi Josh,

Your opening chapter has lots of action, bursts of violence, and an odd poetry to them; I liked the white marble's "odd disfigurement" as blood drips down onto it. There's an energy and dynamism to what you describe and the character beats are just fine.

Where I would say this needs a bit of work is in the spelling in your pitch - there are things such as "disappeared" spelled incorrectly, and it should be "regard for" rather than "regard of" in your opening sentence. I don't normally point out spelling mistakes and grammatical errors in the prose, but I do think it's important to tighten up on these things in the pitch (I went for months with mistakes in mine!) There are also issues with some of your grammar, the narrative definitely needs a polish.

Apart from that it's tense, unnerving stuff, with a compelling tension throughout. All the best

P

Hi Josh,

Well, there is certainly some pace here. Lots of action in the first chapter. I have to say that there are also a fair amount of typos. There instead of their a couple of times, to instead of too. It must have been the nail that done it -- I think that had done it, or that did it. Also I think it should be principal not principle?

I was initially a little worried about all the characters being introduced so quickly, sometimes I find this hard work to keep reminding myself who's who, but it seemed to work OK.

I found the dialogue worked well and the emotion came across well.

I wish you all the best with this book.

Kat

Josh!

You pulled me in, Josh, chewed me over a little, then swallowed me. Edge of the seat stuff. Compelling, after a very short while.

You write well, almost effortlessly, with a style and a pace which envelopes me and keeps me thoroughly engaged. I was often scared, reading this, and also angry with what was happening. You made me feel stuff. Good work. This is what it's all about, right?

So why are you down in the charts? Shouldn't be! I want to see you in the top 10, and beyond. You should ant that too, Josh, with a book like this. Keep at it! And more, please. More of your fine work.

James

Very visual and perfect for its target audience. Nicely done. On my shelf Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Josh,

Further to my earlier comments, Shadow Man is now shelved.

Joanna

Hello Josh,

Oh Justin reminds me of me when I was at school. You've captured him and the teacher perfectly. The bullying scene is terrible and frightening as is the injustice of his suspension.

This deserves a place on my shelf. It will go there tonight when I have a shuffle.

Joanna

Billy, billy, billy! My heart was engaged with this the entire time. I think this is a unique story told with grace. I thought the fight scene was also really evocative and well told. I think a bit more show vs. tell would be nice here, ie, maybe add some dialogue a line here? perhaps?

Another thing to look out for are sentences of the same length. You have a lot of sentences that are the same length within the same paragraph. Sentences that are all the same length tend to make the reader hear your story in monotone. By varying up line/sentence length you add rhythm and flow to your writing. To tell whether or not you have sentences the same length, print out the first page of your story, take a pen or pencil and at the start of every sentence draw a line through the words. When you get to a period end the line. At the next sentence do the same thing. Follow that same system through your first paragraph and subsequent paragraphs. If every line appears to be the same length. Cut some of your sentences down into short ones. Read the entire paragraph out loud to double check that you haven't taken anything out that's imperative or shortened a sentence where it should in fact be longer.


Anyway, this is lovely. And I'm shelving it.

Wishing you the best with this.

Rachel May
Going Twice

Despite the grammatical errors, the opening paragraph for chapter one is quite strong, content wise.

In the third paragraph, I would be careful when it comes to making pop culture references. In this case, the reference to the TV show is somewhat distracting. Don't get me wrong, I used to like that show, too, but it's important to focus the story.

Also, I would change the phrasing from "Before his mind could gather its thoughts" to "Before he could gather his thoughts." Also in the following paragraph, you change to the present tense. When writing fiction, I would recommend sticking with past tense. Furthermore, be careful using "there" when you mean "their" and vice versa.

The fight scene is off to a great start. But I would suggest more dialogue. For example, if we are meant to know that Billy dislikes Justin and is jealous of him for kissing Jasmine, it would be nice if that was actually mentioned.

Now don't take any of what I said the wrong way. You are a very promising storyteller and your concepts are great. But one way to impress an editor is to make your work as readable as possible.

Stick at it,
J.C.

I am hoping against hope that your spelling is better than your typing - if so, please correct the mistakes in the pitch and if not, get someone to proof read this before uploading. either way 'without regards of humanity' is not actually English and will not get past the first reader at any publisher/agent's office.

Look out also for an unimaginative and repetitive use of words - i'm only on the pitch here - don't repeat words in the same couple of sentences - think of different ones. It's more interesting for the reader. and here we have the main burden of my song - put your reader first, not your convenience. however good your plot (and it sounds a blinder) no-one is going to toil through slovenly English to get to it.

i see pierre has given you his customary and generous advice on 'how to improve your writing'. sleep with it under your pillow. read his book. he knows.

maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

Hi Josh,
Interesting start to a story and certainly full of action. Shelved.

I would hope that the point of view stops shifting around so much in the later chapters. You can get away with that for a while but it tends to make the reader a little dizzy.

You don't need all the 'he said' 'she said' statements. If its obvious who is talking then remove them because it makes for a cleaner read. Chapter 2 has these all over the place. Trust in the strength of your own writing and keep them to a minimum.

Cheers

John

I love the title of this - I've found lots of good titles recently and it's so important to get it right. This, to me, has the feel of a good thriller, it's edgy from the start, with a hint of expectation. You write very well, snappy prose that whizzes along, but still attention to the small details which are so important and enhance the story, giving the reader the whole picture. I think your characters are well drawn and interact well, I especially like Tasha. Listen to the people who know about writing and it will be even better. For me, I like it and am putting it on my revolving shelf.
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Dear Josh,


I thought you might edit this a bit. Is this a first draft? The writing tends to be a bit long and loose and can stand tightening. There are notes below on tight writing.

In the mean time, Shadow Man is on my bookshelf.

Over the past five months I have spent three hundred hours providing page-long critiques but can no longer keep up with the volume.

So I’m trying another way of passing on information.

I will attempt to do better than critique your work by indicating how you might judge it yourself. Rather along the lines of give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, feed him for life. You may or may not agree with everything and I admit I do not always stick to these thoughts either.

What I have set out below are guide-lines based on what I myself have learnt from being published.

The pitch is critically important as among the book-lists which editors scan, your pitch stands alone with no support from the synopsis. I write the synopsis first, because a key sentence there is usually appropriate for the pitch.

A synopsis is not a dust-jacket advertisement. Aimed at a professional editor, it is a no-nonsense summary of what happens in the novel, including how the novel ends. Don’t leave the editor dangling and don’t ask her questions. Tell her.

Somerset Maugham said, ‘There are three rules for writing a successful novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.’

Correct. There are no rules for creativity. Think of Richard Bach’s Jonathon Livingstone Seagull. So way out, so creative it was rejected over a hundred times. Then it became a best seller.

There is one criterion though……. entertainment. Our writing must entertain from the very first sentence. There is no other reason for story-telling whether around a camp fire or in print..

I have struggled nine years to write three novels. Each written three times. One published, one lying fallow, Fig Tree currently in the process of being rewritten for the fifth time. Two literary agents requested the full manuscript but threw it back at me for narrative story telling. So I am rewriting, converting narrative to dialogue.

Based on what has happened to me, these are my thoughts on what editors want from us…………….


Plunge directly into the story. Do not set the scene or back-story first. When we go to a play and the curtain rises, we don’t see stage hands putting the props in place. The stage is already set. Likewise our opening paragraphs to the reader, the actors should immediately get on with it.

I have found that our opening chapter isn’t necessarily the first one we write. It might only occur to us when the novel is completed.

Let our characters drive the story-telling via dialogue, interplay and direct action. It’s stupid (although I am guilty of this) to have a stage set and silent characters frozen, while an off-stage narrator bores the audience with what is supposed to be happening on the stage.

Write minimal words because research shows that our readers’ brains race ahead of our words, visualizing the scene themselves, anticipating how our sentences end…… four times faster than they are reading. They become bored and frustrated by our overwriting, over description, unnecessary information. (I have been hauled over the coals for this.)

Write tight, sparse, lean, stark, bare bones. Adjectives and adverbs are for people who need a crutch to support their unimaginative nouns and verbs. As far as possible, always seek the appropriate noun and verb.

(Read John Steinbeck’s field notes Journal of a Novel which he jotted down while he was writing East of Eden. He edited out as many adjectives and adverbs as possible, finding the appropriate noun or verb instead.)

And yet, in my rewrite I am horrified to find superfluous words, adjectives, adverbs and general waffling which I am getting rid of. I am embarrassed at my own work.

My vocabulary is poor, so I use Roget’s Thesaurus which is a treasure. A real work-horse and a delight to use. It’s a companion that provides thousands of alternative words. Appropriate nouns and verbs are there for the picking.

Don’t write your scenes. Live them. Experience them. Meditate. Daydream yourself into them Watch what is happening. Listen to what the characters are saying. Smell the sweat or the aroma or whatever. Touch what the characters are touching. What do you feel? Taste the bile, the coffee, or the skin of the lover.

All communication is made through our five senses. I wear earmuffs when I write, to help me leave this world, experience the emotions and the senses and disappear into another universe which is the scene I’m trying to paint.

Are we stirring the emotions of the reader? Feeling is critically important. This can be achieved through good dialogue. Speak your dialogue aloud to hear what it sounds like. Is it natural? Do people really speak like that? Is it too formal? In the real world, we often don’t speak complete sentences. So dialogue can be truncated too to make it more natural.

In my opinion a novel must generate its own momentum, so readers experience it rather than read it. This can be achieved by dreaming it, experiencing it, living it, rather than writing it.

To avoid clumsiness I edit out the past participle ‘had’. I change ‘he had done it’ to ‘he did it’ It seems to make the action more immediate and more relevant.

I also dump words ending in ‘-ly’……. seemingly, clearly, obviously. actually, strangely, finally, eventually………. and all the others. Somehow they weaken our writing and make it vague.

And I am finding that much of the dialogue reads better if the ‘he said, she said’ is deleted.

Taking words out of our sentences and taking sentences out of long narrative paragraphs, in my opinion, is the secret to better writing. I can easily cut my stuff between 20% and 50%.

I learnt this when a literary agent demanded I delete 40,000 words from my first novel of 120,000 words. I was shocked but I cut it back to 80,000 words and the novel was published.

Fig Tree has already shed 16,000 words and I am currently rewriting it for the fifth time, changing the dialogue, cutting the narrative and tightening the writing as much as possible. I might dump another 6,000 words.

You may be interested in The Video Inside Our Heads, which is part of a confession I made about my idiocies in attempting to write. See, ‘How I Wrote and Sold My First Novel’ in Forum’s Writing section. It’s quite insane and you’ll probably laugh at me but it did work and I suppose that’s what matters..

I trust this is better than a critique and provides a bit of food for thought..


Kind regards,



Pierre Van Rooyen.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree.

Hi Josh,
I backed this story but I'll have to wait and leave my comments for tomorrow. Have to run. Bye

Hi Josh.

You write well. Your narrative is active with stimulating scene after stimulating scene. Your style is tight and packs in your protagonist's thoughts as quickly as a teenage boy thinks in real life. His moods rapidly shift from daydreaming to anger to apprehension to regret and on and on, just as though it is a flow of consciousness with action. You instill sympathy for your characters, while spinning them into snooping and innocent voyeurism. Great with establishing several possible motives and opportunities beforehand. Excellent delivery of Billy's death. Suspenseful switch to a stilted conversation and then shift back to information surrounding Billy's death. Masterfully executed.

On my shelf. Good luck. Janet Marie

This all starts off in a routine but fun manner, getting to know the characters of Hallow Valley. The first fight with Justin and the ill-fated bully is well told as is Justin's father's reaction. Love it when Justin is trapped in the closet and then gets a treat every adolescent boy longs for. And then a great hook at the end as the horror arrives in great visceral fashion.
Now, get a toothcomb out and scan over some of those typos. They don't interfere with the enjoyment of the story or I'd point them out, but if you don't sort them you'll end up with hundreds of comments about missing apostrophes rather than your actual story which is just as good as the title promises.

Its fast and furious but a little confusing.There are a number of typos for example:

Billy who has never liked Justin to much
the boy done went and got into trouble.- not quite right for authors commentary

It could be good but needs careful editing. I look forward to an update.

Paul S (Standalone farm)

Hey Josh,
I really liked the story. It was creepy and kept me reading until the end. I'm disappointed there wasn't more.
A few thoughts:

I like that you began with the classroom. It introduces us to Justin and gets the reader with him. I noticed though, as did TJ, that you seemed to lose your tenses occasionally.

Also, the first two chapters seemed to jump around alot. There are a lot of POV switches (Point of View) and occasionally I wasn't sure who was thinking what. I tend to do that too and I usually have to read through it a few times to straighen them up so it's clearer.

Last, there are some spelling and punctuation issues. A spelling and grammar check on your Word program would fix those. ie) t-pot should be teapot. There are some sentences which could use commas. If the speaker is pausing, there should be a comma. THe sentences sound like run-ons if you leave them out.
Some of the dialogue is missing quotatiions, things like that.

Other than that, which is minor, I loved the story. I was creeped out by the shadows and it moved really fast. I liked how you revealed bits and pieces of each character slowly. I was shocked that the sheriff was killed, but that's good. Keeps the reader guessing.
Evelyn is a loveable character too. Kind of creepy, but kids who see supernatural things often are. Great job. I'm going to shelf this, I hope to see the rest soon and good luck with your editing.

Yeah, i'm currently editing the first two chapters in hopes of straightening out the POV issue even if I just have to seperate them into individual chapters.

Also I'm really glad you liked the story because I was honestly thinking about giving up on it because I didn't see much sense in continuing on if noone liked it but your comment has made me want to finish the story so I think you for that.

Lastly I'm very glad that your favorite characters were the sheriff and Evelyn because they're my favorites aswell and to be honest I was kind of sad to have to kill the sheriff off but I needed for another purpose later in the book so it just seemed like a good time to do it :) Thanks for the great comment, and I've left mine on your wonderful book as well.

hi josh,

sorry i'm crazy busy at the moment, but here's my initial thoughts.

just two more minutes..........read like justin was thinking it........consider putting thoughts in italics.

to be honest i'm not sure i saw the relevance of the classroom scene and would be tempted to start with the fight.........as justin made his way home from school........

i felt you were losing your tenses a little-

perhaps-justin gathered his strength and stood up. as the pain in his head intensified he saw billy running at him. he raised his foot. it caught billy in the stomach and dropped him to the ground.

not sure i've been much help so far, so i'll try and call back.

b4 taking my advice, you might want to swap reads with a few more people and get their opinions.

just to give you an idea of how much mine changed-i removed 15,000 words whilst editing.