Deadly Nevergreen

Deadly Nevergreen.

The beginning, in the first few paragraphs, hooks and more efficiency than Puzo’s wedding party. Reading pleasure and comfort are at the forefront throughout this work, and the reader has no need to stretch the imagination to accommodate the gunshot prose. Much later, “it was kidnapping … no the other one … blackmail” is as efficient as Sonny Corleone’s stand-up sex (tiring!) with Lucy Manini.

The writer is in complete control of the interwoven narrative voices and povs (chapters 8, 9, 11 & 13).

Finely crafted interlocking revelation of plot and character through sensitively chosen and most appropriate sensory images: the perfume of a pot pourri overpowered by the smell of pizza and garlic, with pourri itself meaning rotten yet retaining its essential goodness. Objects are effortlessly personified without being guilty of it, and time-space proportions pervade the work in the background descriptions of the island. The author successfully harnesses timeless passions seething under the placidity depicted by Constable and Turner, and draws in the conflict between the outer and inner selves, between groomed behaviour and man’s animal side.

Wit, humour and the undercurrent of righteous anger simmer below the surface, mystery lurks, and the hierarchy of evil swirls like curling mist.

And at least your narrator knows the difference between a cup and mug

The work betrays the penmanship of honed, highly motivated talent.

Moreover, a neat and tidy ms, unless I wasn’t attentive enough!

NB: (1)at least somebody, somewhere, as aware of the difference between a cup and mug (2) your accomplished penmanship does not require additional emphasis to underscore a standpoint.

Now where’s the rest of it, luv?

Backed.
Azam Gill
“Blasphemy!”

Hello Lynn, you seem to know the I.O.W. well. It is some years since we were last there, but I recognise some of the places you use as settings. Right; I love the way you have made such a strong character out of Naomi, what a villain? I got to chapter six, and just skipped through that, but I will be back for more when I have time. I never thought I would take so much interest in a book of this sort. When I read the first chapter a little while back, I was not too sure what to make of the book, but having read more this time round, as I should have done before, I have to confess at being a great admirer of your writing, and a genuine feeling you seem to put into every word. This is not old flannel, it is genuine comment on a good book, written by somebody who knows what they are talking about.
Good Luck with everything you do.
Norman.

Forgive me in advance for going on at length here. I'm happy to admit that you're one of two writers I've read here that I feel some jealousy towards. I read your first two chapters, and there's a lot to like here. The dialogue is generally phenomenal, and Naomi is one of the most memorable characters I've ever read. The best thing here is that your prose is spellbinding, so readers will easily forgive you for any other transgressions. Chapter one feels something like a work of art to me.

Okay, here's some things I noticed that could potentially be improved, IMO.

Your opening physical descriptions of the characters in both chapters were great in many ways, but I also found them a bit difficult to fully grasp. The paragraphs slowed me down a bit because I had to really think about them. For example, "old tar," "pigtail stiff with grease," and then the part about Vera having a bow on her neck was hard for me to decipher at first. You might be able to make this a little clearer and easier on people like me. Altogether, I found these paragraphs a bit slow to read. But that's nitpicking, because you're not going to lose readers there.

I'd say there's no reason whatsoever to have a "Vera" and a "Vivien" so close together. They both start with "V," and that's always, always confusing for readers because the brain focuses on first letters a lot. It's just not necessary IMO, and only hurts things. Why confuse readers when it's so easier to change a name?

I thought Vera's long bits of dialogue in chapter two were probably a bit too long. My eyes glazed over a bit before them, feeling like, "oh man that's a lot of dialogue." I thought that was maybe the weakest part I read, but even those parts were quite good once you read them.

I had one little thought, that if Naomi is such an incredible bitch like you've shown here, then why hasn't someone killed her or beat her up already? It's not a big issue, but that's the only thing that felt not totally believable for me. Then again, I 'like' Naomi so much that I really wouldn't care all that much about that.

I personally think this should definitely find a publisher, and I hope it will do very well. Your writing voice is off the charts, and your characters are already amazing. Thanks for letting me read this, and I hope something I've said can be slightly useful to you.

Moses Siregar III
DEUS EX KARMA, an epic fantasy in homage to Homer's Iliad

For my actual review without the running commentary:

Deadly Nevergreen, by Lynn Clayton
*crying* Why can't I write like this? It took me a few minutes to get over my jealousy to write this. You do understand, don't you? But once that passes I have nothing but admiration for Clayton's style and skill, and pure love and enjoyment for the story.
The story is expertly written, and within the first chapter the words on the screen sent a harsh set of chills through my body. CREEPY. The description and narration is fresh, the dialogue is perfection.
She hooked me on chapter one and continued to carry me through the first five chapters. I couldn't have stopped if I wanted to. Even stopping after 5 chapters was hard. I would buy this novel and I'd pay extra for it. A writer can learn a lot from studying her technique.
The story keeps a fantastic pace and introduces you to characters you will not soon forget. What is up with Naomi, I wonder. Will we find out? I'm dying to know, and you will be too. Naomi is wonderfully evil, smart, and deceptive.
The woman is sick in her head and this story does not lack the promise that eerie may soon turn to downright scary. Read this cleverly crafted story--I am sure you will enjoy it as much as I. Be forewarned, you will get lost in this dark and witty tale.
xBeccaX
The First Phoenix

This will be posted to my recommended books thread. Thank you for sharing your talent!

Your opening paragraph is the best I've read on the site.

Now ... there are a lot of similarly themed novels on this site. I'm surprised by the volume. But you've got something most of them do not - talent.

Your characters are well written. Your descriptions are beautifully imagined. And your dialogue is appropriate to your characters. (Which is stunningly rare.)

I've backed your book. I'm decided not to back any book just to get the numbers. I'm only backing books of merit. Your book has merit. Congratulations on the fruition.

Mark R Trost
“Post Marked.”

Wow, Harper Collins hated this book. I just read their review! What a mistake.
I had it on my watch list. It is one of my favorites from Authonomy, and I looked at hundreds. I always wanted to find out what happens next.

Hi Lynn. I wasn't really prepared for the first chapter. Didn't understand what was going on and only got a hint by the end. Maybe adding a prologue to set the stage would be helpful.

I liked your voice, the dialogue seemed true but the lack of character development held back the story. I'll read a little more later and see what develops.

If you'd like to take a shot at my book, feel free. It's A PLACE IN LIFE. I'd be interested in knowing your first impression.

Hope you didn't find me to be too offensive by being direct. Just trying to help with a few suggestions.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

"You almost feel like you have your hands over your eyes as you are reading." Harper Collins Review.
Take that sentence Lynn - hug it to your heart - it is proof your book is EXACTLY what it should be for its genre!
Bravo!

And I thought my sense of humour was sadly lacking. Was this review written by someone who doesn't venture too far from Mills & Boon territory? If they ever take up archery I hope they only get to use the rubber-tipped arrows, talk about missing . . .

Well, I have to add my voice to the others who thought the reviewer did a bad job. I read some of this a while back and found it entertaining. Too bad HC has a reviewer who doesn't get it. I doubt the prudish opinions expressed are as representative of the public as he/she seems to believe.

My word – someone got out of bed on the wrong side. I am all for constructive criticism but this is certainly not that. It's very easy to say things like this when your name doesn't appear next to it. Even if your book is rubbish – I haven't read it there are ways to help people move on and try to improve for next time.

Harper Collins person, are you a friend of Andy Gray or Richard Keys by any chance. Oh they didn't apologise and they got fired didn't they.

Alright, I'm puzzled: why have you put the HarperCollins review up? Or is it not your choice?

The HC review was so far off the mark it's unreal.

I read chapter one... I just don't get how they could attack your book in such a way.

It's well written... you're a good writer.

That review makes no sense.

It's publishable quality.

I haven't commented here for years but felt like I had to respond to that absolutely rude, ill-informed review from Harper Collins. What a bullying piece of shit. Your book is well written and intriguing. Where on earth do they keep these people, in some Jane Austen timewarp no doubt.

Not that it makes much difference but I'm going to shelve this book.

Keep on writing.

Interesting! Great opener,,,,,

Re: HC Review. Thanks for posting. I haven't read your book but I find it hard to believe that's all they said! Surely you should have received some constructive criticism.

I think the beginning is very good as far as setting up the suspense. Not sure you really need the spirit world reference though.

Well-done.

Well-done.

Well-done.

The editor’s desk, was it worth? Was your book reviewed by HarperCollins? Did you receive a book publishing offer, or have other publishing houses expressed and interest in you book? We have found the comments and suggestions from the other authors on Authonomy helpful in revising our book, but were just curious as to the benefits of landing at the top.
CC Brown
Dark Side

Great work, Llyn! :)
Backed with pleasure :)

What a great opening chapter. I'm gonna have to clear off my bookshelf to make room for this one. Have you been published? If first impressions mean anything (and in my opinion, they mean just about everything), you should be. Good luck.

Where are you ? I miss you ? x

Love your descriptive writing. Very talented. I can't see you having much trouble finding a home for this book.

Best of Luck with it.

Suz

Well this is one of the unlooked for treats on Authonomy.
Beautifully crafted yet raw. The narrator has just the right use of language to tell this story. And the pace is right.Not rushed but it carries one along. I read 8 chapters before I could take a break.

This exemplifies the range of writing on here from those who are starting and need lots of editing to triumphs like this that I would buy in an instant.

I would like to comment upon your characters though Lynn. Very unusual, a real twist from the usual run of villains, and yet so very believable because there is nothing stereotypical about them.

Backed.

May we have some more please?

Spectacular.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Very very impressive MS. And I see why it made it to the desk. You have very tight voice and setting. And I'm sure you really don't need any in-depth things at this point, at least not from me. :) This should be published and I wish you the best on getting it there.

Stephen Andrew (The Guardians of Ocean City)

p.s. Naomi is a very chilling and eerie character. Well done.

Lyn,

I've read all seventeen chapters and think you've got something good here. Sense of place is very well conveyed, the narrative moves along well, the dialogue is very good, and all of the characters are well drawn and believable. You drew me into the story early on and made me want to know what happens to the characters.

I’ve got two criticisms. The first is that some of the prose sometimes becomes a little laboured, with one clause too many in a sentence, especially when you are a taking a descriptive turn. A suggestion on how to handle this is to read it aloud and see how it works. It can be remedied if you are hard on yourself when rewriting the first draft - I always find that I cut out sentences, clauses and even odd words in the second and third drafts to sharpen it up.

The second may be down to personal taste, but I was disappointed that you killed off Naomi. You spent several chapters introducing an intriguing character and building up a situation with a lot of dramatic potential with her as the island blackmailer, then killed her off, followed by Kelly and Jade, and turned the story into a police procedural. Maybe as the novel is continued the balance of this will seem right, but as things stand I thought you missed the opportunity for the best story.

Bear in mind that’s a personal opinion. I’ve backed it.

Mark

CONGRATULATIONS LYNN
FROM TOM BYE ' F ROM HUGS TO KISSES'

Hi Lynn,

Naomi Long seemed just a bit of a busy body in that first chapter. Your character descriptions and overall observations flow without interruption. I saw a very complete pitutre of everything.
Congratulations on your Gold Star from HC. I only wish I had had a chance to make these comments while you were still on the ED.
Backed for a few days now.

Cynthia
Sharing Short Stories

Read the first chapter before work this morning - bad time to start reading such a page turner. Love the nefarious Naomi character.
Best of luck. This looks like a cracking read...

Congratulations on making the editor's desk! Thoroughly deserved, and I look forward to buying it to read the rest.

Dear Lynn,

Congratulations! I knew you'd get there.

Sincerely
Faith
The Assassins Village

DEADLY NEVERGREEN by Lynn Clayton.

My Apologies for misquoting your name in the Comment six blocks below. Tony Brady

DEADLY NEVERGREEN by Lynn Clayton.

Lynn - I read all the 15 Chapters posted. The principal character you have created - Naomi Long - is, either accidentally or deliberately, a metamorphasis of a type in literature recalling the likes of Medea, Medusa, Lucretia Borgia, Lady Macbeth, Poison Ivy and Rosa Kreb personified in a character of consumate evil intent and action. I am still searching for appropriate superlatives to adequately compliment you on this multilayered Isle of Wight saga. Your eye and feel for the banal lives of feckless "welfare junkies" is matchless. The contrasting action and scene setting between the Island and London sink estates is exquisite. You convey the forensic elements of criminal investigation admirably. There's more to come. I await it, hardly believing you can continue to deliver such flawless consistency. Meanwhile Watchlisted. Enthusiastically Backed.

Tony Brady. - SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE - Books 1,2 & 3.

DEADLY NEVERGREEN by Lynn Mason.

CONGRATULATIONS! You are on THE EDITOR'S DESK. Not only have your written a great, commendable and publishable book you are a true embodiment of Authonomy integrity. Your Comments on a wide range of author's work are generous, honest, instructive and selfless and you are a shining example to all that is best on Authonomy. I sent you this message 64 days ago and am pleased to repeat it as Comment on your book: Lyn - I read all the 15 Chapters posted. The principal character you have created - Naomi Long - is, either accidentally or deliberately, a metamorphasis of a type in literature recalling the likes of Medea, Medusa, Lucretia Borgia, Lady Macbeth, Poison Ivy and Rosa Kreb personified in a character of consumate evil intent and action. I am still searching for appropriate superlatives to adequately compliment you on this multilayered Isle of Wight saga. Your eye and feel for the banal lives of feckless "welfare junkies" is matchless. The contrasting action and scene setting between the Island and London sink estates is exquisite. You convey the forensic elements of criminal investigation admirably. There's more to come. I await it, hardly believing you can continue to deliver such flawless consistency. Meanwhile re- Watchlisted. Enthusiastically Backed.

Tony Brady. - SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE - Books 1,2 & 3.

Congratulations!
CC Brown
Dark Side

Hey, Lynn! Just noticed you have LONDON on your self! (Mine has suddenly gone down the list, for the first time.)

Thank you! :-) Wondering why your book doesn't have a star thingy on it - now that you've reached the editors desk. Congratulations, by the way!

love,
jim

Ohh my...this gets more and more interesting. I can't wait to see the whole thing finished. I am really enjoying it....very different from my usual read. I wish you well...........

Hello Lynn,

Thank you for sharing your book with me. I have to say that the descriptions of the scenery you give and what the house looks like are wonderful. Naomi was rather annoying and I can't be more glad that Death is following her. This is one character I can tell I will love to hate. I thought it was funny that the old man, Mr. MacArthur was very entertaining, having seen Death follow her out. I look forward to reading more and will be moving this to my watch list.

SAkins

backed

Backed with pleasure. This is a very good read!

Love the opening and will definitely be coming back for more. Thanks for your support too, Lynn. All the best and looking forward to seeing your novel in hard print on Waterstones' shelves.
Sal Michaels
'Two of a Mind'

Lynn,

After receiving your message I had a quick look at Deadly Nevergreen, intending to read just a few paragraphs, then found I've read four chapters!

So, quite unintentionally I've read enough to realise that this is good. It's a great premise and the pace is good.

I noticed a few points in the fourth chapter. These are,

1. Mixed tenses used.

. . . to let [PRESENT] the fat black cattle stroll across and took [PAST] the opportunity . . .

It should, I think, read 'take the opportunity'.

2. Not sure about 'There was a couple of inns, a folk museum . . .'. I think I'd use 'There were . . . ', alternatively, continue the first sentence, as in,

' . . . mushroom in a meadow, consisting of a couple of inns, . . . '.

3. Incidentally, this description of Brightstone is bordering on telling rather than showing. Perhaps you can change it to be a little more as seen from Alec's point of view?

But that was all.

Backed with pleasure.

Neil

With down-to-earth engrossing dialogues and flowing narration, you compel me to back your book. :D

Hi Lynn,
Just read the first four chapters, brilliant! Naomi is unbelievably poisonous and frighteningly real, really loved the story so far, good luck.
Rachel

Lynn,

Every hat I own is off to you! I sat down to read a couple chapters of Deadly Nevergreen, and ended up reading all you've put up! You immediately give a great sense of place and introduce interesting characters: nasty, eccentric Naomi, the MacArthurs, Vera. I love the way the MacArthurs talk about Death at the end of the first chapter. Chauduri is an appealing detective figure, and the details of his home life make him sympathetic. And that's a nice image of the dog curled up like a croissant, then being placed in the chair like a cushion. So far, the killer in the hooded coat remains an intriguing mystery. It's someone the victims know, but who?!!!

Best of luck with this. I'm happy to back it.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED

Lynn,

Wonderfully orginal premise, and superb writing. The pace is spot on and the reader is compelled on from the very first word. Naomi is such a strong intriguing character.

I'm going to back this and go back and read some more!

Laurie - Into The Master's Lair

Well it certainly sets off at a frantic pace with sex drugs and who knowws what else. Every character apart from Naomi seems a prime cadidate to murder her. Lot's of red herrings or has the killer already appeared by chapter six? I look forward to finding out.

quite simply deadly

quite simply deadly