Outside of Forever: Mackerel Sky

Dear Joel,
Your book is really a prose poem, I think. I don't think I've found a book on this site that is more poetic, that uses language in such a special way, that feels like it's on a totally different level. This is an inspiration.

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Your words are poetry, smooth and flawless. The combination of dialogue and thought is well balanced and the story has a lot of potential.
Katy Christie
No Man No Cry

Great pitch and a riveting idea for a story. The idea of travelling through time in other people's consciousness is a clever one and well done so far. Backed and intrigued!

Outside of Forever: Mackerel Sky

Hi Joel

What a mammoth and intriguing narrative and imaginative effort. It takes us places we did not even dream about, complex, interesting and rich. Excellent piece of writing but I did wonder if it simply became too complex for its own good as it went along, lots of swapping of the first person POV baton, different voices speaking, in different times, I was confused about Elena, I got ROY and Jonathan, maybe we could just keep the POVs to theirs. But very, very interesting and different. I think you went over the top on the describing words sometimes as well. But backing this - best wishes and good luck - Andrew W.

(Sanctuary's Loss)

Joel,

Your short blurb and first chapter caught my eye. Fascinating story idea! Can't wait to read more. I added you to my watchlist.

Interesting Joel, very interesting. Takes one in and doesn't let go. Terrific visuals, like the way you make the genre your own. Backed.

blessings,
jim
jack & charmian london

Nice descriptive writing style. The opening made me think literary fiction , and when I checked, sure enough it was! So you set the mood and genre early, which is good. Your dialogue was fantastic and the internal thoughts feel very immediate. The tension build up throughout the first chapter to powerful and evocative ending. It felt more about "feel" than anything else, which I loved. Pulled me right in. Not a big fan of sci fi on the whole, but I enjoyed this.
Shelving this.

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Dear Joel,
Your book is really a prose poem, I think. I don't think I've found a book on this site that is more poetic, that uses language in such a special way, that feels like it's on a totally different level. This is an inspiration.

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

One very interesting idea. Although I've got confused between her own experiences and of those she took the possessin of. Maybe you could distitnguish that a bit clearer. All that thing about language and words and meanings. I didn't get that to be connected to this story. Reads a bit disjoint. That's what got me confused whether it is about her or someone else she entered his/her mind. All in all I did enjoy the first chapter.

Hi Joel, Great writing. I can't really add to your excellent comments below, but I wish you all the best with this fine piece of work. I love your language and imagery. The opening paragraph was a beauty. I liked the section on the desert peach and its cousin, the almond. Top marks.
Best wishes,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Joel,

A beautiful and intriguing piece of writing. The beginning was a little confusing for me, but after a few paragraphs I was lost in the lyricism of the writing.

Chapter two is less magical realism, more straight narrative--after the introductory paragraph--and there's a lot of exposition in the first half.

But chapter three again has that dream like feel that keeps me reading.

Backed.

backed outside of forever

backed outside of forever

This is very very interesting. I love the definition of a 'word'. What a jewel this piece of writing is.

Hi Joel, This is beautiful work. The similes of the peach, the handle on the suitcase, the root tendrils give form to this sense of soul and words. The scene with her mother is strong while the narrator's ethereal relationship with others has lyricism. It's very intriguing because she shifts into these real scenes yet lives on essence. Happy to shelve - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

effective opening lines. good narrative and descriptions carry this story on...on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

You have finely crafted a most unique and compelling storyline. I do like your choice to use the first person narrative voice. This allows you to fully convey Roy's feelings, thoughts and observations. Your use of short paragraphs and crisp, well written dialogue keeps the pace of your story flowing nicely. All of this coupled with your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The beginning

Your words are poetry, smooth and flawless. The combination of dialogue and thought is well balanced and the story has a lot of potential.
Katy Christie
No Man No Cry

Joel, compelling storyline. poetic prose.
on my shelf.
great line: "my life is like a giant peach ...'
ok, when i like something, i get picky. pls ignore the following thought if it makes no sense ;)
a very minor thought re opening sentence: maybe shorten by a few words? beautiful imagery but i found i had to read twice to get the full impact of your prose. pehaps prune "warm" or "moist" - maybe even start - "in the warm summer nights..." i know, a much less poetic entry but then i feel the final phrase has more power.
all in all, a captivating read.
best wishes, andy

Wonderfully clever and brilliant. Caught me from line 1

backed
THE DATE

This is the kind of book I love! Full of paranormal and ghosts. You're a very good writer and you combine all these elements to make something pretty awesome. You do a great job of building the suspense and give the reader something to think about. I love how unique this is! We need more unique around here!

Missy

Great narrative, and a unique world. Curiosity drew me on, and I was intrigued by what I found. Backed.

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

OUTSIDE OF FOREVER
This is an unusual story; it’s told by a woman inside a man. I had some doubts about this working when I read your pitch – but they faded away when I began to read the actual story. I used to live in Pasadena so I recognized your settings like Whittier. Made this an enjoyable read for me. I’m happy to add it to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 4th place but only holding on by my teeth. Burgio

really like the feel of this - fluid style supporting an enticing pitch

Great concept. Happy to back. I would appreciate it if you could check out The Temple Dancer. Eunice

Thoughgt provoking in some respects, though confusing in others. How was she able to be in the boy when she was at home arguing with her mother? As I said both at the same time just like your tale. Still it is an easy read and one that would lead to the answers by reading more. Backed.

This is an intriguing tale which quickly grips the imagination. Well written and involving. :)
backed on behalf of Jim Darcy. If you like good fantasy please check out The Firelord's Crown. Thank you! :)

Dear Joel, I love the things you name when you are stewing about things in your story. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book to help it advance - this will help yours & mine move up on the charts. :) Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every "backing" you do moves your book & the other person's book closer to the top. :)

This is truly a great premise. I love soul stories and I just found myself sinking further and further into this as I read. Unfortunatly I am at work and it limits me to how much I can read. After two chapters I see that this is clearly going in a great direction. You have some intricate and beautiful lines. Your knack for story telling is natural. Your MC feels like home, I was comfortable with her and easily followed what she had to say, eager to read more.
Backed
T.l Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

I read 4 chapters. Something about this story originality compelled me to read more than usual. With that said, think I got lost a couple of times. But that's on me. SHELVED!

"She jumps from soul to soul" should be your short pitch.
The long pitch needs to be the less is more scenario. Check out mine as examples of how to sell your story.

Do look forward to you comments on my book. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

I love the idea as it really captures some of the questions i would have about the migration of souls but in a clever way flips it on its head. Good luck with this, the writing is very full and very good but sometimes it gave me too much description when less would have achieved just as much. But having said that I am backing the originality with pleasure.

This is such a fascinating idea. As a yoga student I have contemplated writing about souls being reincarnated but with memories of their previous lives. This seems so much simpler and fresher than that. I was captivated immediately by the narrative voice and the warmth of the main character narrating her memories with the distance you might expect from the time difference. There were also elements of humour (intentional?) that lifted the writing and complexity.
Kendall Craig, The Halo (of Delight)

Outside of Forever

You do know how to take the reader on a ride. This book has so much potential. The ideas you have are fabulous. Sad in a way but fabulous none the less. Good luck with this and on my shelf. C.P

Outside of Forever is a highly imaginative story written with great panache. You plunge me straight into your worldview in the classic Sci-Fi way and invite me to come to grips with the generations-old ghost possessing and working alongside a modern mind. So far, so good - I can handle that. But you start to lose me with 'my life is like a giant peach suspended from the sky', and the bit about Yggdrasil [where have I heard that before?] and the World Tree. I wonder if you are over-complicating an already challenging concept? Worth a thought, though I'm backing this for its originality and imagination. All the best.

Your concept is great. I love the idea of the two personalities in one body, with one in control and the other unaware of the first. You've created a compelling character in Elena, with good dialogue between her and her mother. My one suggestion is that you, at least initially, spend more time with the main premise of of the story -- her jumping from soul to soul and how/why it happens -- and come back to her own youth with her mother later But that is just my view, I may be wrong. Overall, you have something potentially very big here, and for that alone, I am shelving it.

Joel
You have a great story working here but it is a bit difficult for us simpletons to figure out at the beginning. I expect that is what you had in mind. The opening is quite mysterious with an older woman in a boy's body, then a girl's body then a jumble of dreams. Then Jonathan's chapter reads like a memoir with his reflections on Cassie. I did like all those short bullet sentences establishing a rhythm in the narrative. I'm sure it all comes together at some point. Fun read, good luck with it.
Ed, this is very different and very fascinating. Reminds me of my favorite book of all time, Catcher in the Rye. A kid with attitude, in free ranging, shoot from the hip narrative with no holds barred. Enough cliches. Your writing is really good. I loved the read. Good luck with your book.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Great pitch and a riveting idea for a story. The idea of travelling through time in other people's consciousness is a clever one and well done so far. Backed and intrigued!

I read your pitch and since I like sci-fi I was keen to read your novel. I liked the noodles comment. I read the first two chapters and found it a bit slow for my taste. It is well written with plenty of information about everyone but I couldn’t really see much progress with the plot. In Jonathon I would like to know more about him and less about everything else. I will back it since it is well written.

Tony

Damn, I wish I'd get possessed by a muse with a story. This is an awesome idea for a novel. Unique and edgy. Love your writing style. The end of chapter one with the dashes and italics. Also, your descriptions offer sharp, vivid details. Love the muse. WL.

If you want to respond to people who post comments, if you send a message to them rather than replying here then they will see it. It's a mistake nearly all new writers make here, myself included.

As for your writing, I like the premise and think you are doing some interesting work here. I think you have a very active mind that suits the dual personalities of your protagonist/s.

;-)

Hope this is helpful,

Andrew

Love the cover! Love the pitch! Not got further than the first chapter yet but I am hooked! Great stuff!

Thanks for the kind words! I will read yours as well.

Love the cover! Love the pitch! Not got further than the first chapter yet but I am hooked! Great stuff! Am gonna back now and come back for more later!
Simon (BLACK SHADOWS)

Thank you for your perceptive comments :)

I will most definitely take a good look at "In It for the Holidays" (and maybe that 'Ghostwritten' book).

Thank you, Andrew, for the kind comment :)

Excellent piece of writing but I did wonder if it simply became too complex for its own good as it went along, lots of swapping of the first person POV baton, different voices speaking, in different times, I was confused about Elena, I got ROY and Jonathan, maybe we could just keep the POVs to theirs.

The POV has been the biggest task for me. Elena is exiting, and only ROY and Jonathan will remain (as the major voices), but there will always be voice juggling throughout the novel.

I'm continually envisioning and re-envisioning the whole span of the storyline and I might be able to find a way to limit it to those voices. That might be very good advice.

I think you went over the top on the describing words sometimes as well.

I've gotten this feedback on the heavy adjective use before. I'll keep it in mind as I pick through it again.

Thank you for backing me!

Outside of Forever: Mackerel Sky

Hi Joel

What a mammoth and intriguing narrative and imaginative effort. It takes us places we did not even dream about, complex, interesting and rich. Excellent piece of writing but I did wonder if it simply became too complex for its own good as it went along, lots of swapping of the first person POV baton, different voices speaking, in different times, I was confused about Elena, I got ROY and Jonathan, maybe we could just keep the POVs to theirs. But very, very interesting and different. I think you went over the top on the describing words sometimes as well. But backing this - best wishes and good luck - Andrew W.

(Sanctuary's Loss)

"I make myself some green tea, but I really need coffee" - wat a perfect sentence!

You certainly have a way with words, and I absolutely love your pitch (it's got that kind of off-centre feel I was trying to get with Agnieszka). I was just looking through Gary's comments and I think I agree if theres an issue it's with the voices. I LOVED the italics passages - they're slick and fluid BUT I felt there was too much of that voice in one chunk - it became a bit too rich if that makes sense. I didn't like the non-italics so much - it was a touch overdone for me - one too many adjectives in places. BUT when you mix the two up it works REALLY well. The problem is how to find a sustained voice with which you can carry the reader through, unless you want to make the whole thing some kind of internal dialogue - which would be very difficult but possible.

Immensely good writing, though.

let some important phrases sit alone on the page and sink into the reader's consciousness.

Wow, thank you. That's quite a bit of practical advice.

You and Ali have both given me enough pointers to keep me busy. I'll get to it this weekend.

Thanks for the positive words!

I'll swing by and check out your stuff.

--Joel

Amnion:

OK First off, I suggest you read Through Gargarin's Eyes by the Sock Puppet Master himself Andrew Meek and then you discuss the POV questions you are dealing with with Absolution of Finobacci's Child (sic?)

I am a serial breaker of prose to let some important phrases sit alone on the page and sink into the reader's consciousness. I note that you don't like to do this much but I feel you could add a lot of power.

"I was high on accidental salvation" - is one such a phrase.

"Fragrant. Melting you." - So needs its own line.

Do you know what you're writing in this first chapter? Blank verse? Tone poem? Exemplary prose?

Decide and run with it.

As for italics, yes, Authonomists will squeal when forced to read italics on a computer screen and they will wander off, cross-eyed and dismissive of your writing. Forget that.
You're not writing to be read on a PC screen but on physical paper where the italics will sit easier for the eye but BREAK UP some paragraphs!

You are making points and dealing with ideas that nestle in the centre of a paragraph where they have minimal effect and, I mean this, will only be picked up by the most intelligent of narrators in an audio book. Beware 'poetry voice' narrators.

Your flow of ideas and concepts are well served by the phrases you employ and I would only advise you to make more use of white space in this prologue. It also adds to the visual impact upon the page when the reader's eye can jump and dance from line to line.

This is why I have put a lot of space in my feedback. To illustrate what I imagine will make your work really attractive to a reader. Too much and it looks like different snippets of conversation and that is how the reader's mind will interpret it. You might consider using that to illustrate POV jumps.

I'm just commenting on the first chapter and will read further tomorrow.

Just in case you were wondering, you're bookshelved and I love your work.

Garalt Canton

Hi Joel,

Ali asked me to have a look at your book and within the first two lines of the blurb I was hooked. Excellent start.
I'll spend the next 1/2 hour reading you and I'll give you initial impressions. After that I'll have a better read and I'll feedback with more detail.

Best regards

Garalt Canton

Thanks for the feedback, Ali. I'm really appreciative of any help I can get from this place.

just one sentence I noted near the beginning where you're talking about a figure and you say who and then its, grammatically that should probably who and his/her or that and its, but it doesn't jump out.

--This is a grammatical oddity that comes from the fact that the narrator is not a he or a she, but an entity. Sorry about that. I might want to use the female pronoun, but I'll let the idea simmer for a bit. But good ear!

My observation/impression was that I enjoyed it until you got into a lot of italics. a couple of lines at a time are OK but the large block of text you have can be v tedious to read in print and suggests that you may need to look at your structure rather than rely on a change of font to indicate different POVs.

--Yeah, I was nervous about using italics, but I also hate breaking up the flow of the text. I'm really at a loss. This kind of prose might just be an acquired taste, unless I find some compromise that I can live with.

As an introduction I felt that it didn't explain what was going on and the structure of the book simply enough. I only understood this from reading the pitch and I think that what's inside the book should be able to stand alone - the pitch is just to entice the reader to open it. so, for me, I would like an introduction that shows me how the book works (because it is quite complex) possibly by leading into/out of the 2 POVs and maybe not trying to introduce too many other characters (if any) at this point.

--I agree, its not much of an introduction at all. At least, it does not explain. It sets up the voices, that's all. I do have some stuff that could serve as a better introduction, so I can try placing those things before and re-doing the chapter numbers.

It's not a simple story to tell, but I think people will enjoy it once they get into it. The question is-- how to get them to jump in?

This is all very good feedback and I'll put it into action rather than dragging my heels about it. Maybe those other authors you suggested can run the next gauntlet.

Thanks!

hi Joel, I pressed save to leave a first comment a couple of hours ago but the site was all over the place and I see it hasn't registered. I'll try and remember what I said!
just the first chapter and a bit for now. right, firstly I think your narrative is imaginative and rich. you've clearly thought about every phrase and there isn't much I would get picky about in writing style. just one sentence I noted near the beginning where you're talking about a figure and you say who and then its, grammatically that should probably who and his/her or that and its, but it doesn't jump out.
My observation/impression was that I enjoyed it until you got into a lot of italics. a couple of lines at a time are OK but the large block of text you have can be v tedious to read in print and suggests that you may need to look at your structure rather than rely on a change of font to indicate different POVs. As an introduction I felt that it didn't explain what was going on and the structure of the book simply enough. I only understood this from reading the pitch and I think that what's inside the book should be able to stand alone - the pitch is just to entice the reader to open it. so, for me, I would like an introduction that shows me how the book works (because it is quite complex) possibly by leading into/out of the 2 POVs and maybe not trying to introduce too many other characters (if any) at this point. however, I was a bit rushed before work and the site was playing up so it wasn't really a good time to judge it and I'll try and read the next bit when things have cooled down on here a bit. I do enjoy your prose but today I found it hard work to read, this may just be me and it may just be today.