A Matter of Face

Hi. One of my characters are named Vaughan...LOL. I only had time to brows through your work. I found the story interesting and plan to return for more reading and a detailed comment. As I’m very much pressed for time, tell me which chapter you want me to pay special attention to.
Meanwhile, could you please check TO KILL A DEAD MAN? I will appreciate it.
Dan

Your descriptions of Hong Kong are rich and vivid, and really bring the city to life. Also, your characters are flesh and blood, trapped in horrid circumstances. Some very dark material, but also riveting. Some areas could use some tightening, but overall, very good read. WL.

Bruce
I have no doubt you have a good story here. The characters are well developed and the setting is fabulous - though I have to query the "jeweller's hands" analogy. I couldn't picture this. The story flows at a gentle pace. Even when we are introduced to Kwong I felt no tension.

So that's what it's lacking: tension and a sense of pace. You will probably hate me for this and you could stick to your style, arguing that it's yours and your integrity counts. However if you'd like this to be commercial, I would recommend rethinking your structure. What helped me was 1) reading the tutorials in New Novelist (the software) and re-reading my favourite thrillers and analysing their structure.

You start your book very nicely, but this is more "literary fiction" than crime-thriller. It's passive. Descriptions are best inserted subtly. Start with intrigue. I'm reading The Dark Tide by Andrew Gross at the moment. His first chapter builds up to a seemingly ordinary guy taking the train to work instead of the car and the station gets blown up. Chapter 2 is a lot slower and intros the detective.

One final thing to think about: focus on showing rather than telling. "was" and "were" are sure signs of the latter as is telling us how someone feels. For example, rather than "I felt happy to go back to work..." you could write something like: "I whistled a happy tune on my way to work."

I hope that's not too critical. You have a potential gem, that just needs some polishing.
On my shelf
Chris (I Dare You)

Hello, Bruce - with apologies for the late arrival. Great stuff here. Clean, crisp prose, and the second book I have read today with a very clear sense of *place*. Very deftly done, sir. A fascinating time, the 'Chinese takeaway' that occurred in Hong Kong in the late nineties, and this looks like it'll capture that Zeitgeist very nicely. Good, flowing prose, and some catchy dialogue too. Worth a spin on the shelf. Best of luck with it - sestius

Hi Bruce

Your passion for Hong Kong - its grace, architecture, people and its seamier side - is manifest. I wonder whether this is the book's strength and weakness rolled into one! The writing is evocative and pure, but by setting scenes with so much detail, the story feels a touch slow and uninvolving. Chapter 1 is almost a travelogue, and while the pace picks up slightly in the succeeding chapters, I felt as though I was constantly being delayed by your affection for your location. I think there is a strong book here, but it probably needs a good editor to squeeze the best out of it. Good luck with this Bruce.

A Matter of Face

Hi Bruce, You bring Hong Kong to life so quickly and effortlessly, you have an easy to digest style and your characters are three dimensional and interesting. I like your prose it is unpretentious and is interested in delivering us the story and not fancy phrasing. Good work, I wish I could read more, backed - Andrew W.

Hi Bruce

Ever since reading Taipan many years ago, I have been intrigued by the concept 'face' and have read many books set in the Far East since. Your description of entering Hong Kong and subsequent explanation of place around the city reveal that you know the city and island very well- it's great to read, must say!

You set the scene really well in chapter 1. We know there is a problem looming, greater than the hand-over...well done!

From chapter 2 you start building up to the looming problem. Ditto chapter 3. Some will tell say you need to get to it faster, but I like how you build the background first. In that way, when disaster strikes, we will understand why.

I like Boris- typical, typical cat!

There are few errors in dialogue, fullstops when it should be commas....e.g. 'Yes(comma)' Jean reassured her...but these are small things that can be fixed and don't detract from the story.

I am happy to shelve for a while and wish you all the best.

Elaina

You don’t need a question mark at the end of your second sentence. Majestic entry is very telly. Thirty six foot needs to by hyphenated. This is very telly. You say things like the most majestice harbor, and a few others that I didn’t stop to note. You generally back up with details, such as the light shimmering off the buildings, etc. But your narration tends to be more like a travel book than a thriller.

You clearly know Hong Kong very well, and so this is one of those novels where the reader is likely to learn something new – not just information about the place, but a sense of what it must be like to live there, and a certain intimate familiarity with its layout through your characters.

In chapter one, we get an excellent sense not just of the geography of Hong Kong, but also of the political situation at the time of the Handover and the nervousness that must inevitably have caused to people like Shelley, who were accustomed to seeing the Chinese as “the dark enemy”. You feed us this information as you should, through dialogue. It never feels forced. We get a very good idea of what’s at stake for Shelley and Michael, and how this might affect their relationship. “Michael is after all half-Chinese”, she says tetchily.

Chapter two shows Michael doing the rounds in Hong Kong, his everyday life, and some of the locals are introduced, as well as the rather ominous figure of Choi, victim of loan sharks and a dodgy bet.

The only shortcoming I could see with this – something easily remedied – is that some of the dialogue appears a little over-formal. For example, I thought that in chapter one,

“Where is he?”
“Oh I don’t know. He is running around trying to see everything at once. I am sure I will catch up with him sometime … I think I will go inside for a while.”
Might be better as:

might flow better as:

“Where is he?”
“Oh I don’t know. Running round trying to see everything at once. I’m sure I’ll catch up with him sometime … I think I’ll go inside for a while.”

Although, I admit, this may just be personal preference.

All in all though this is a super novel, a story told by someone who is clearly following the old adage of writing about what he knows. Bookshelved.

Bren Verrill
The Weird Problem of Good.

Bruce,
This is a great story you tell. It's obvious that you have been to Hong Kong and have a great deal of passion for it. There is such a story here. I remember reading with great interest the transition from Britain to China. In fact I had gone back to school, was finishing my degree and wrote a report on this subject. You make it come alive with your story and all the characters in it. I also appreciate your discussion of "Face". I had some friends who were from Laos, and I remember how bewildered I was at the concept of "Face." It's still somewhat puzzling but I understand it a bit more now.
Anyway, great story, on my shelf.
Jeff

Strong writing so far and I'm interested in what's to come, which is always the sign of an engaging piece of writing. I shall read more soon.

Good stuff, Bruce. You get right into the story without a lot of unnecessary set-up and the prose is fluid and easy to become involved in. The only thing I might change would be to give the opening line its own paragraph, just to break up a somewhat large opener. Great job overall. shelved.

Matt

A MATTER OF FACE (Bruce Vaughan)
The first chapter describes arriving by ship into the harbour of Hong Kong, almost a fairy tale appearance if seen by night and a hive of activity by day. The next chapter begins to move into what promises to become an exciting thriller.
The Hong Kong location of the story is very much a plus for it, and since the author lives there he can handle daily life with authority. This can also be a problem in the need to refrain from over-describing, information dumping, this very attractive region.
As previously observed, it is now acceptable to use contractions in writing dialogue, so one records it as it's spoken -- a standard ploy is to read the written dialogue aloud and determine if that's the way people really speak.
"Little did I know" is an undesirable cliche, and appears at the beginning and again at the end of the first chapter.
There is a tendency to tell an author how his book should have been written, and forgive me for doing this. But, I would suggest you follow the practice of starting with the story, and weave the description into the story as it progresses -- there's lots to describe.
best wishes for it
backed
mch

Hi Bruce
Had a bit of difficulty getting into this read. The lines felt a bit stiff to me, but that may be because I'm not English. Americans use a lot more contractions when they speak, than your writing allows, but again, I don't know if that's valid in UK or Hong Kong

Best wishes
tyler
(The Path That We Chose)
(Alex).

Hi Bruce.

I noticed your profile picture and was intrigued with your title and cover. You write beautifully. Every engaging to introduce the setting as the protagonist introduced it while slipping down the waterway. A nice switch to their daily life in chapter 2. You entice the reader to continue with your calm tone and gradual released of information.

On my shelf. Good luck.

Janet Marie- Spirit Prisoners.

Hi Bruce.

I noticed your profile picture and was intrigued with your title and cover. You write beautifully. Every engaging to introduce the setting as the protagonist introduced it while slipping down the waterway. A nice switch to their daily life in chapter 2. You entice the reader to continue with your calm tone and gradual released of information.

On my shelf. Good luck.

Janet Marie- Spirit Prisoners.

Hi Bruce,
What a talent you have for description - I have been to Hong Kong and you portray it very well. Michael is an interesting character, well drawn and convincing. I have enjoyed looking at this and will be reading on. Great stuff and on my revolving shelf!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Hi Bruce,
I like this story. I've never been to Hong Kong or anywhere interesting for that matter. I like it when a book can take me away...:)
You might want to re work your dialogue just a tab. To me it felt a little stiff at times (but I could be wrong so wait and see what other says). Worth a turn on my shelf.
Jan

Hello Bruce,
Reading and commenting in haste here as I’m off on holiday tomorrow. First of all, everything I say should be taken as being preceded by ‘in my opinion’ and I am no expert, just an enthusiastic reader. Other people may well have different opinions. I’m also writing this without checking out the other comments, okay, so it’s possible I will repeat something you’ve already been told.
Hmm, rather a slow beginning; you are TELLING us a lot of things, giving information, and even though a lot of it is in the form of dialogue it’s still very obviously factual background.
The last sentence in ch 1 doesn’t need a question mark.
OK, I read five chapters of it. Forgive me for what might seem to be a very negative comment here, but in those five chapters very little happened. We did get lots of information about the history and the backstory and the political situation. But for me, it wasn’t enough to make me want to read more. I’m sorry, but it just didn’t reach me.
I regret not being more encouraging, but I wonder if perhaps you might do better writing non fiction, as the style seems better suited to that.
Good luck anyway, and regards,

I've read the first three chapters so far, Bruce. You describe a place that's unfamiliar to me very well. Your writing flows, making it easy to go on reading, and you deftly establish what seems set to be an intriguing plot. I'm not a great reader of thrillers, but this is nicely done.

I noticed a typo in the pitch - "an English women". It should be "woman".

Shelved.

Thanks Deveril, Luckily this has not happened to me but there are far too many cases of entrapment of health professionals, which does make it worrying. Bruce

I am enjoying it. I find it easy to read, and it paints great pictures of Hong Kong - but I'll have to trust you as I've never been there. The research seems well done (I hope it wasn't based TOO much on your experiences...), and I can't decide whether or not the large amount of dialogue is a good or a bad thing. I guess it's your style, so keep on with it. I'll endeavour to read more of it when I can. On my shelf! Deveril x

I am enjoying it. I find it easy to read, and it paints great pictures of Hong Kong - but I'll have to trust you as I've never been there. The research seems well done (I hope it wasn't based TOO much on your experiences...), and I can't decide whether or not the large amount of dialogue is a good or a bad thing. I guess it's your style, so keep on with it. I'll endeavour to read more of it when I can. On my shelf! Deveril x

Hello Bruce,
Sorry to be slow in looking at A Matter of Face. Seem to have got behind somewhat. Anyway here now. I must say, I am not a great fan of 'tight' or 'sparse' writing although it seems to be pc. So I like your descriptive way of creating scenes. I did feel I was on the Canberra looking at Hong Kong. There is no more stunning way to see a new land than from the deck of a ship. I digress! I'm backing this because it has the feel of a good story which is well written. I wish you well with it. Best wishes, Margaret.

Dear Bruce,


It has become physically impossible for me to read and critique 120 manuscripts a month. Especially as my critiques are page-long.

So I decided to compile guide-lines based on what I myself have learnt from being published. I am attempting to do better than critique and trust the following notes will show writers how to judge their work for themselves.

I appreciate there are many writers here who know more than I do. But there are ten times more who will be interested in what took me a lifetime to discover.


In the meantime, A Matter of Face is on my bookshelf.

Your pitch is very important as among the book-lists which editors scan, the pitch stands alone with no support from the synopsis. I write the synopsis first, because a key sentence there is usually appropriate for the pitch.

A synopsis is not a dust-jacket advertisement. Aimed at a professional editor, it is a no-nonsense summary of what happens in the novel, including how the novel ends. Don’t leave the editor dangling and don’t ask her questions. Tell her.

Somerset Maugham said, ‘There are three rules for writing a successful novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.’

Correct. There are no rules for creativity. Think of Jonathon Livingstone Seagull. So way out, so creative, it was rejected over a hundred times. Then it became a best seller.

There is one criterion though……. entertainment. Our writing must entertain from the very first sentence. There is no other reason for story-telling whether around a camp fire or in print..

I have struggled nine years to write three novels. Each written three times. One published, one lying fallow, Fig Tree currently in the process of being rewritten for the fifth time. Two literary agents requested the full manuscript but threw it back at me for a rewrite. So I am rewriting.

Based on what has happened to me, these are my thoughts on what editors want from us…………….

Plunge directly into the story. Do not set the scene or back-story first. When we go to a play and the curtain rises, we don’t see stage hands putting the props in place. The stage is already set. Likewise when we present our work to the reader, the actors should immediately get on with it..

Let our characters drive the story-telling via dialogue, interplay and direct action. It’s stupid (although I am guilty of this) to have a stage set and silent characters frozen, while an off-stage narrator bores the audience with what is supposed to be happening on the stage.

Write minimal words because our readers’ brains race ahead of our words, visualizing the scene themselves, anticipating how our sentences end…… four times faster than they are reading. They become bored and frustrated by our overwriting.

Write tight, sparse, lean, stark, bare bones. Adjectives and adverbs are for people who need a crutch to support their unimaginative nouns and verbs. Always seek the appropriate noun and verb. (Read John Steinbeck’s field notes, Journal of a Novel which he jotted down while he was writing East of Eden.)

Roget’s Thesaurus is a treasure. A real work-horse and a delight to use. It’s a companion that provides thousands of alternative words. Appropriate nouns and verbs are there for the picking.

Don’t write your scenes. Live them. Experience them. Meditate. Daydream yourself into them Watch what is happening. Listen to what the characters are saying. Smell the sweat or the aroma or whatever. Touch what the characters are touching. What do you feel? Taste the bile, the coffee, or the skin of the lover.

All communication is made through our senses. I wear earmuffs when I write, to help me leave this world and disappear into another universe which is the scene I’m trying to paint.

What is the peripheral vision picking up? How about distant sounds? Are we stirring the emotions of the reader? Feeling is very important. A novel must generate its own momentum, so readers experiences it rather than read it.

I edit out the past participle ‘had’. I change ‘he had done it’ to ‘he did it’ It seems to make the action more immediate and more relevant.

I also dump words ending in ‘-ly’……. seemingly, clearly, obviously. actually, strangely, finally, eventually………. and all the others. Somehow they weaken our writing and make it vague.

Taking words out of our sentences and taking sentences out of long paragraphs, in my opinion, is the secret to better writing. I can easily cut my stuff between 20% and 50%.

I learnt this when a literary agent demanded I delete 40,000 words from my first novel of 120,000 words. I was shocked but I did it and the novel was published.

Fig Tree has already shed 16,000 words and I am currently rewriting it for the fifth time, tightening the writing as much as possible. I might dump another 16,000 words.

I trust this is better than a critique and makes you look at your work in a new light.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

Thanks Rob
I will definitely take a look at your book.
Bruce

Hi Bruce,

I'm liking a matter of face enough to put it on my watchlist. The dialogue is vey realistic and you set the scene very well, increasing my desire to go to Hong Kong. My only small comments so far...The opening sentence (so important) is too long for me, could easily be split in two. Will read and comment more as i get a chance. If you have time to do the same for me would be much appreciated. Thx, Rob

Hi Bruce,

I'm liking a matter of face enough to put it on my watchlist. The dialogue is vey realistic and you set the scene very well, increasing my desire to go to Hong Kong. My only small comments so far...The opening sentence (so important) is too long for me, could easily be split in two. Will read and comment more as i get a chance. If you have time to do the same for me would be much appreciated. Thx, Rob