Liquid Comfort

I really do appreciate everyone's comments!!! THANKS SO MUCH!!!

A traumatic opening chapter full of action and catching the reader, the topic is interesting and entertaining, and you have managed to combine a number of fascinating elements into a gripping story. this comes across as authentic, exciting and so very readable.

Great book which deserves top rating and backing.

Ww Lisa

PS Love the cover too.

Hi Cheryl. I'm on chapter 5. Firstly, you owned me by your premise. You've a good steady flow of story telling. Love the dialogue (I make part of my living with writing dialogue, and editing dialogue, for films). You've created characters that have their own voice, and don't sound like everyone else. Nice journey! Simply backed.

blessings,
jim
jack & charmian london

Hi Cheryl, placing Liquid Comfort on my watch list. Looking forward to reading it. :-) Being a so California kid, I love the beach, and I'm right next door (sorta) to Surf City, USA. Shall certainly give your work a good look.

Many blessings,
Jim

I've been reading this and it's great! You have an intense first chapter and I like the ones that come after too. You've done a nice job of developing Travis as a character. I feel for him and am invested to travel down this road with him. It's a fascinating plot and I'm going to keep reading. Just pausing to give you my thoughts! Well deserving of a much better spot in the charts.

Missy

Hello Cheryl,
I had read some of David J Pickering's books and loved them, afetr commenting he reffered me to you and some one else.

So firstly, what a great cover,(after reading your profile I assume you done it yourself!).
The description of the surfer Travis was great, a fast fun (until the attack) first chapter that devastates at the end.
When we go to the next one, after the recovery I felt like we could have spent more time there but reading on I founbd you were right wioth the flow of the story.
I loved the darker aspects of drug problems coming into play and felt you really write about this well.

All in all I really enjoyed it.
Have you tried anything in Literary fiction?
I think you would be good at this genre.

Thanks for your time and consider yourself BACKED!!!

Nonauthor.

I only had time to skim a couple of chapters but will come back when I have a spare moment to finish reading it. I just wanted to say that it was great to see a different theme for a Young Adult book and written in an edgier style.

Look forward to coming back to it. Good luck.

Amanda

The first chapter is so descriptive. I felt I was there observing. I have seen 3 shows on tv in the last fortnight on shark attacks in Australia, so my imagination was working overtime. Great writing. Something completely different for the readers to get their teeth into. No pun intended. Backed with pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

A unique read that is compeling from the first word. Tarrant

While I'm not sure that the type face works in chapter 1, the story gets your attention, I nalso like the way that the story picks right back up in chapter two and puuls the reader in. A couple places felt a bit soft in the dialogue, but it was by no means an ongoing problem.

Good read!

lockjaw

Boy, that's an excellent first chapter. You really get the feel of the waves and the surfing (I could almost smell the sea.) Superbly written. I'm off to read more chapters!

Nikki B.
A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO DRAGON FIRE
and
WORMS

Brilliantly written, the reader knows these characters well after only the first two short chapters..that shows talent!

Like the opening, puts you right in the action, good use of the senses (not sure about the shriver ran down his spine - would he really feel that given he’s on the surf?), fade to black effective end to c1 and picked up nicely at start to c2 (emerging from black in dream). C2 I think credible and effective description of the set-up. Essentially Travis Point of View so odd language points (e.g he considered marching downstairs - would he sue the word “marching” -maybe that’s a UK/US thing..). Complication, plot development good in c3. By the end of c3 was wanting to know what happens next. Overall good read, interesting and engaging.

LIQUID COMFORT
This is a good story. Travis is a good character; he’s likable and certainly sympathetic because of the shark attack. I don’t know a lot about surfing so I don’t understand why a guy couldn’t surf with only one arm (I guess it’s a matter of balance) so if I had a suggestion it would be to make that clear. Either way, I liked this. I think surfers will like this a lot. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

First, a suggestion is to go with the same size font in the chapters following the first one. The opening is wonderful because it presents a graphic picture of the action being experienced by the protagonist. The genre selection is interesting (literary fiction and YA) are great combinations. Surf fiction is a driver for this novel and Travis's shark encounter calls out for screenwriters. Great work, I especially like the "about me" portion that enforces the reason why we all are (or should be) on this site. Good luck. Backed. Chuck (Literary Agent Blues) (Paperboy Adventures)

HiCheryl,
This was a very enjoyable, even though I'm not a surfer and can only swim a couple of lengths before I get cramp and start feeling panicky. I tried snorkelling in Thailand once, but I'd just watched 'Jaws' in Kaosan Road and then I got stung by a jelly-fish, so I didn't enjoy that either.
However, reading your book gave me the thrill of the waves, without wetting by feet, so I backed you with pleasure, loose muscles, a slow heart and without a rash.

Best wishes,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

First sorry about the delay in commenting off my recent backing (had problems with the site a week ago).
I think this has a great opening to it. The thing that did come to mind was how silent it was there was no auditory descriptive narrative to really build the atmosphere in the opening scene. Your characterisation and the torments you have built in to Travis are spot on for me – An enjoyable read!

Sizzling with action and pace. you must be a surfer to write this amount of detail.
Backed with pleasure

Cheryl, your first chapter reads smoothly. The only nitpick I have comes at the very first line. Travis curled (himself) up... The "himself" is not needed.

Happy to back the potential of your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Shayzzee, you really do know your water. The shark attack was terrifyingly perfect. no fins no da da da da ...
these predators hit and hit fast. No prisoners.

Travis is so tragically young to have this happen, and his bitterness is understandable. You have crafted an intensely readable book, Highly enjoyable reading...could find nothing to criticize.
I love the ocean, and live across from it. Today is fabulous, surfs up, sun's bright and warm. I might take a walk soon and suck in some salt air.
backed with pleasure
Suzannah Burke
Dudes Down Under

Hi Cheryl
A great idea and well written. I loved the tension of the shark attack. Makes me want to go surfing! Well, kind of :)
DP Walker
Five Dares

Holy shit! What an opening. I read it with my heart in my mouth though I've never even bodyboarded! Then, at the beginning of Chapter Two, I thought for one horrible moment it was going to 'all be a dream' - but noo..... Truly love this and suspect my son (11 and an avid surfer) would too.. though the shark attack might freak him as he's a bit young for your target age group.
This is hugely strong writing. Great premise, strong characters and some great non-preachy messages going on as well by the look of it. I love when teen books manage that (the Cherub series is great on that score).
Just seen bonolibro's comment below and disagree - the attack comes as much as a shock to us as it does to Travis.... seeing the fin would be way too Jaws.
Love it, backing it with unseemly haste.

Great read for the target audience, a surfing story with a dreaded shark attack, which in my opinion was nicely handled.

Nicely written, I can see this doing well both on the site and in paperback.

Best wishes
Melxx
Impeding Justice

This is phenominal - totally brought me back to when I lived in Satelite Beach, Florida and we used to surf before high school every morning which started at like eight AM and we were up before the sun came up! We could get in about thirty rides before we had to be dressed and in homeroom! I have enjoyed reading your first four chapters - your writing is polished and you have a down to earth voice - perfect for a book like this ! BACKED!

Liz
The Cheech Room

I do like surfing, though I have never done it myself. But those pitches are just brilliant. I read the first chapter but I am SHELVING for the pitches.

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Cheryl,

You convey your love of surfing and the atmosphere of the competition very well.

But there are some odd moments "arms felt like lead" cliche "cavernous caves" redundant.

The shark attack might be a little too sudden, you could put some suspense into it by show us the approaching fin, him desperately trying to catch a wave that will carry him to safety, and then the strike.

Hope that helps, even if just a little.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

BACKED

I get very little from comments about my own book, nowadays. Some people like it, some don't. Some people are too frightened to leave genuine feedback, while others seek to enforce their own style upon me. I want to get to the Ed's Desk to get professional comment. I would rather spend 30 quid than do all this reading and backing. I have got everything I want out of Authonomy community already. So I am backing your book so that you can reach the Ed's desk and get professional feedback, instead of the platitudes and devious backings that account for 80% of backing you receive. Only 20% of comments are genuine, and will add value to your work.

Now, who am I not to back you? I am not godlike. Your work might be flatly written, unoriginal or even down right bad. It could be wonderful. But in my experience, only you can be honest with yourself about your writing... and that is what matters.

So, I am backing you so you can reach the Ed's desk.


There you are.

BACKED
Hope you reciprocate.

Thanks....but I'd rather have comments...and I would rather people back me because they liked my work.

BACKED

I get very little from comments about my own book, nowadays. Some people like it, some don't. Some people are too frightened to leave genuine feedback, while others seek to enforce their own style upon me. I want to get to the Ed's Desk to get professional comment. I would rather spend 30 quid than do all this reading and backing. I have got everything I want out of Authonomy community already. So I am backing your book so that you can reach the Ed's desk and get professional feedback, instead of the platitudes and devious backings that account for 80% of backing you receive. Only 20% of comments are genuine, and will add value to your work.

Now, who am I not to back you? I am not godlike. Your work might be flatly written, unoriginal or even down right bad. It could be wonderful. But in my experience, only you can be honest with yourself about your writing... and that is what matters.

So, I am backing you so you can reach the Ed's desk.


There you are.

BACKED
Hope you reciprocate.

I thought this was going to read like an AA pamphlet... but was genuinely surprised and thrilled by the quality of the writing. You evoke all the excitement of the surfer, and I suppose, the notion that he is hooked on his own adrenaline (even before the shift to alcohol). This book should be held up as an example of how to write clear simple prose which conveys an interesting story.
Shelved
Frank
PS erm... surely they would not hold a surfing competition in an area likely to attract sharks?

Have been reading Liquid Comfort and really like it. You certainly know how to write and this is so much more than surfers' read! You describe emotions in a very special way. Well done, backed.

Have been reading Liquid Comfort and really like it. You certainly know how to write and this is so much more than surfers' read! You describe emotions in a very special way. Well done, backed.

This is for the surfers. Appreciate the struggle with rehabilitation. Surfing narrative is real, been there; that's its saving grace.
It will have a place with the surfing fraternity.

Very gripping (especially for the shark!) and some great hooks. Your writing style flows easily, feeling fresh and relaxed, and not like you're trying to hard with it. It's really especially strong when you describe the pain after the amputation and the frustration too. I know a guy who lost his leg in a bike accident, and this is almost word for word how he was afterwards. Best of luck with it.

Andrew

Hi Cheryl,

You have a lot going on here and it's definitely an interesting story. Shark bites. Drama. Aftermath. Estranged family. If I could just make one suggestion, you might want to think about including more sensory details. I didn't really get a clear sense of Travis's pain during the shark attack in chapter one. Just more details in general. Also, I would have liked to see a bit more of his emotions about all the drama going on in his life. Still, great story and I enjoyed reading what I read.

~ Nicole

Have added it to my W/L. Will give it a go.
BK

Cheryl,
Wow, now that's what I call action. Felt like that shark was chewing on me. Well done. Your opener is the kind that will catch the attention of agents and publishers and it is very good. My only suggestion would be to trim the thought dialogue. It is nice and short in Chpt 2, but a little too long in Chpt 1 to sound natural. Try something like:

There is no way I'm getting out of this one. --- I'm dead! or I'm screwed!

That one will definitely score high with the judges. ----- There's a ten. or Judges?

Kane doesn't have time to catch another . . . ------ Kane's done. I'll stomp him.

Since the first few pages are all that many prospective agents will see. I think it's worth a lot of effort to perfect. I have rewritten mine three times because of suggestions on this site.
This is a great read. Good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

This is a compelling read, incorporating regional dialects well, fast-paced, with realistic characters and contains plenty of conflict. Overall, it is a well-written, amazing piece of undiscovered talent. It is both on my shelf and Today's Pick I Like for 9/29/09: http://newandgoodreading.blogspot.com/2009/09/todays-pick-i-like-92909.html

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

First, understand that this is not my normal kind of read, but could be, based on the presentation.

Is this YA? Even so, you have a backdrop for a great story here. I live in Cocoa Beach, Fl, one of the surfing capitals of the world,, and youre' right, there really isn't much written about the surfing community as a backdrop. Here you have the potential for a great drama, so, since you asked for it, I'm going to give you my intial impression:

This could rock, but doesn't. Because, from a mature and expreienced reader's point of view, you waste words by describing the self-explanatory, and use too many to present the obvious. You're first two opening paragraphs are essential, but they didn't pull me into the story:

"Travis curled himself up as small as he could..." He's curling "up" to be small?

"Travis curled into himself, grabbed the board for balance and sliced through the liquid tunnel. White water spun over his body. The oean roared and spit across his face. He saw an opening ahead, blue sky through the tube. He leaned forward to gain even more speed."

This is only my feedback, but again, there is the making for great stuff here. And it's tough. Ya gotta have a hard skin. I have helped many by editing via MS Word's Edit Track. I'd like to do that with this. You email me your ms -- I upload it to MS Word, delete and insert, and give comments (suggestions) that you can accept or not.

I have worked with and helped many others, and have referencees. However, editing and helping others tighten their work really helps me with my own writing immesaurably. So, I'm not that being that altruistic about it.

Anyway, the offer is there. Would love to help work this into greatness.

jaames530@yahoo.com

Jim

The Beholder

simple and primal, the parts of your book where you surf and are faced withsharks teeth and dreams of them work well

shelved for the readability of such scenes and for the empathy you infuse them with

i reckon your pitch, if simplified, would work better

backing you now and wishing you well

freddie
("honour")

Great opening Cheryl. Love your description, it is so vivid I could almost be there! Hawaii is a wonderful place and that comes across here! Surfing aint necesarily my thing but competition, aspirations and following dreams are everyones thing and you portray all those here wonderfully! Great stuff and good luck!
Simon x

Great opening Cheryl. Love your description, it is so vivid I could almost be there! Hawaii is a wonderful place and that comes across here! Surfing aint necesarily my thing but competition, aspirations and following dreams are everyones thing and you portray all those here wonderfully! Great stuff and good luck!
Simon x

I really enjoy reading books set in a place the author clearly loves and has a deep sense of. I've never been to Hawaii but I got a sense of why people love it so much from your words. You're intimately involved in every facet of this work and I was completely comfortable at taking your word as the gospel.

Dialogue both works for and against you here. It's hard as can be at times to transmit regional dialects into the written word, but you handle it here very well. I could here the accents and the stresses on certain syllables in my head. At times, though, I found the dialogue just a bit labored, perhaps by combining some of the shorter sentences would probably do the trick.

A great story with plenty of conflict. I read 1-3 and part of four (to follow the hook from ch 3, to find out if the little Hawaiian cutie was enamored by Travis or just a superficial tart). Loved what you did with making the girl Kane's arch nemisis who was scared to death of Travis' ability.

You succeeded in getting me to care about your characters. As a father of three young men myself, I really identified with Carl as he nurtured Travis and repeatedly kicked Devin in the rump for being an irresponsible punk. I could picture Lea, a pretty young woman, perhaps a bit worn out, aged past her years because of Devin. To that end, I could stand seeing Travis fleshed out a bit more, especially about his experiences in Canada. Just a thought.

SHELVED.

It's quickly apparent that you know a lot about surfing which lends authenticity to your story - I felt transported to the surfing competition effortlessly. The story moves along nicely and I found myself reading more than I had anticipated but I could help but ask myself why he couldn't continue surfing if he still had his arm from the elbow up? But I guess just not at that high of a competitive level? I really enjoyed this and am happy to shelve it.

Melissa

Cheryl

This starts very well with a lot of suspense and action, a real draw in for the reader, chapter one ends well. I read up to the end of chapter three, and it's quite clear that you're a very proficient writer, the story is good, and you now how to keep a reader reading.

One small thing though, I didn't get on well with the font colour, it's a lot harder to read than black on white.

On the shelf
Charlie

This is very well-written. I am compelled to read on, except for the lack of hope in this character's life. It appears to me that he is headed for disaster. My dad grew up surfing in Hawaii, and he's told me some stories about broken necks: it's serious!
At first, the blue type threw me off, but I got used to it.
Thank you, Patricia (Godmother's Wand)

This is very well-written. I am compelled to read on, except for the lack of hope in this character's life. It appears to me that he is headed for disaster. My dad grew up surfing in Hawaii, and he's told me some stories about broken necks: it's serious!
At first, the blue type threw me off, but I got used to it.
Thank you, Patricia (Godmother's Wand)

Liquid Comfort...

Now that I've read your partial, I can see that you have a good story going and a serious one. Bravo! I expected fluff despite your pitch.

I hope I don't offend you when I recommend a great book: Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King. Everyone who has begged, borrowed or stolen a copy thanks me for this recommendation. The authors should pay me royalties.

You're a born storyteller, and once you've incorporated the self-editing techniques, this work will be more than publishable.

Shelved to encourage you to keep on with this important story.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

Liquid Comfort...

A word about font colour. I think I understand why you've chosen blue, but I recommend against it. I think the font colour will cause agents to reject...instantly. Now, if you were Stephen King or Toni Morrison, you could get away with it. If this colour is simply an authonomy glitch, ignore this comment.

Your opening is compelling, but needs some tweaking.

Take a look at one of my recent comments (today) where I wax poetic (and presumptuously) about Ing Sentences. Fix that problem and your opening will be close to brilliant.

Reading on...

Liquid Comfort...

I think I owe you a read. So sorry for taking so long.

Commenting as I go along, starting with your pitch...

Please keep in mind that I'm severely pitch-challenged and take my comments with huge grains of salt (cocaine not recommended, however.) I've read everything I can get my hands on about writing pitches, but, for the life of me, I cannot seem to apply that knowledge to my own pitch.

Here's what I see in your long pitch: certainly good stuff about your two main characters, although perhaps some tightening is warranted. But we know who your protagonist is and what he wants. Bravo--the first two elements of a good pitch, they say.

What's missing, I think, is the third element: what obstacles does he encounter during his journey? The Rule of Three's is a good one to keep in mind when you're identifying three specific obstacles. This shows us where your story might be going.

And, finally, a hint...just a hint...about the resolution.

The final two paragraphs are probably fine for authonomy...unless you believe the rumours that agents cruise this site looking for talent. If you do, then I'd delete words like "stirring tale," "gnarly ride," and general statements about your themes. Supposedly, the way you show your story in your pitch should reveal your themes and the gnarly ride. Damned if I can do that, however.

Reading on....

Absolutely love this, I can almost picture myself surfing with him, excellent description of the deadly pipe written perfectly, shelved instantly and cannot wait to read more, brilliant.

A great opening chapter. You capture the thrill of the competition brilliantly, and the shark attack, when it came, caught me by surprise. What a terrific opening.

I read on, and the story opened out into a great drama, plenty of family tension, played out at a resort where the young party. The two brothers, Travis and Devin, are nicely characterised - from the opening chapter, we feel for Travis; Devin makes a great foil, a brother already gone bad. All building up beautifully.

The change of font seems a bit odd, but otherwise I noticed only one glitch - in chapter 5, I think 'excess' cocaine would be better than 'access'. But this is hot, sharp, darn good writing and surely there's a market out there for this book! I would expect this to sell.

Simon