Sirens And Other Tall Short Stories

The book is full of outstanding wit, broad imagination, a splendid takeoff on alien life forms, and moments where the reader can't help but have a very hearty laugh. I'm placing it on my shelf and made it Today's Pick I Like for 9/26/09: http://newandgoodreading.blogspot.com/2009/09/todays-pick-i-like-92609.html

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

Firstly let me quote from chapter 1 Sirens:

“By the way, Odysseus was a warrior and a Hero: he killed lots of other earthlings—but always with the best of intentions.”

Now I’ll start my review of this book!

How could you not like this or smile as you read it?:

“So I asked young 10-6nm (Cosmic Ray, or Cosmo) to get a random sample of earthlings with the Acme Transmat Beam, so that we could have a look at them and talk to them—and find out what was going on.
Cosmo was clever, but lazy, “S’pose so.”
Cosmo got up reluctantly and trudged towards the Acme Transmat Beam Console. When Cosmo eventually got there however, a lot of buttons were pushed very quickly and sixteen earthlings duly transmaterialised in the Acme Transmat Cubicle. We went over to have a look. Except Violet of course—Violet was still having a lie down.”

And even more so at this:

“Fifteen of the earthlings were dressed very strangely: tight fitting black jerseys with a number on the back, black shorts, long yellow and black hooped socks, and boots with studs. They were covered in mud, and some of them were bleeding.
The other one was dressed in a navy blue blazer, collar and tie, beige trousers and brown shoes, and was holding a silver trophy.
I found out later that they were the London Wasps Rugby Union Football Team with the boss of their corporate sponsors. They were celebrating; they’d just won the Heineken Cup. Not exactly a random sample—as I said, Cosmo was lazy.”

This might be a problem here:

“As I was saying, there was a problem transferring my mind into the earthling’s empty brain: it wasn’t empty. The earthling’s mind was still in there; somehow, Percy had survived Acme’s very best Last Gasp lethal gas.”

But no problem for this author in transferring his own zany mind into that of his readers.

And I can just hear the St Hilda’s girls on this one:

“Yes, there were two types of earthling.
He, him, his: the ugly ones. They were servants, and were called, collectively, male, man or men.
She, her, hers: the nice looking ones. They were benevolent rulers, and were called, collectively, female, woman or women: longer words—higher status.
It all made sense.
Of course, now we know the truth. In fact, we’ve done extensive research on this peculiar sex business. The whole thing started not long after life took hold on this planet. A billion to one chance saw the genetic fusion of a parasitic species with a previously sexless species and hey presto: the male sex had arrived. We could have saved ourselves a lot of time—female earthlings have always known this intuitively.”

This is such an enjoyable read:

“Now I knew what I was looking for I quickly found a tub of salt and squirreled it away with the vinegar. Now, I have salt and vinegar with everything!
So, what’s that got to do with sex? Apart from the obvious word thing. Well, you see, sex is like salt and vinegar: pungent, but a taste soon acquired.”

Shelved.

Dear Ian, Yours are easily the most original extraterrestrial life forms I’ve ever encountered in print or on the screen, and your book as a whole is certainly one of the most original on this website or anywhere else--perhaps in the entire galaxy.

I like how you use creatures from another world to parody and critique cultural elements of our world, and how your prose remains cool and precise no matter how chaotic the events being described.

Your tall short stories elevate the genre. On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

Well, I've read five of these so far, and pardon my language, but these are really fu#king good. As in, why haven't you written a novel, or a few dozen of these, and what have you been doing with your talent all this time? Please tell me you've submitted at least a few of these to magazines. Involuntary Confession like a shock of cold water that's thrown on you while you're settled, warm and relaxed, supine upon a tanning bed. Remember Michael Jackson and Michael K left me stunned, as well. Superraythindersting Man is a brilliant nod to Psycho and a great story in its own right. Number 6 was frightening. Number 8 draws a brilliant parallel that corners the reader in the end when the parallel lines eventually meet.
Fantastic stuff. I look forward to more.
Daniel
Every Atom Belonging

Ian,

This is so damn clever. I was laughing out loud at parts. My sons think I've lost my mind. I thoroughly enjoyed this. BBC Radio 4 and the rest of the crew are so engaging, I would instantly buy a book of their adventures. I don't think you should leave this as a short story. It's too clever to end here. I want more.

I have to say this is one of my favorite stories on this site and that is saying A LOT!

On my shelf,

ML

Zany. Thought-provoking. Inventive, intelligent short stories. You skillfully captured my attention, and then my mind. Relatable characters. Accomplished storytelling. Hysterical wit. Artful writing. Terrific reads. Backed.

I know you are pretty much inactive on this site, but in chapter 10, which is chilling, get rid of "She twigged what that meant at the same moment". This way it makes the chapter more surprising, and just that little bit nastier.

Excellent. Loved every tale.
Backed (Hope the Backing is returned.)
Abel Kane
The Alchemists' Cookbook
Chances
Something Elven

Maybe I just don't have that 'Dip' factor...it's very well written but I didn't really get it...I did learn a lot about breweries in the UK on the other hand, so backed and
Cheers!
Stewart

Ian,

I asked for recommended reads on the forum and your work was put forward, so I thought I'd take a look.

This didn't grab me initially, but the more I read the more engaged I become.

Strong voice and a quirky set of truly alien aliens.

I don't read a lot of this sort of thing, so hard for me to offer up constructive criticism, but I ended up enjoying it with your MC growing on me.

Backed.

2 - Involuntary Confession - Funny but also very scary. I won't easily forget this story. 6 - Faith Pusher - also very witty.
Consistently high quality writing. - Luk

No comment.
BK

Ben Hardy recommended this to me and I’m glad he did. This is an amusing, deceptively light-hearted take on the old alien invasion theme but is also clever and original. How wonderful that they land a rugby team and their sponsor, this was a very visual scene and it was easy to picture their confusion. Just a tiny suggestion: I think the subsequent paintball analogy may be a tad too long; we’re dying at this point to know what DID happen during the brain transfer thingy and this is a little frustrating and well I skipped that bit I’m afraid to say and moved on to the nitty gritty. Otherwise though this is easy to read and flows well and the characters are engaging. Happy to back and all the best with it. Incidentally, I always thought the same about the Odysseus story. Although, I also could never quite understand how the crew knew to untie him when their ears were still bunged up but there you go.

Enjoyed what I read. I will be back to read more.
Very best wishes,

M

Sorry it took so long to get back to you after my backing.
Spooky, second cannibal short story today, Mmm.
These are brilliant, the wit and delivery are for me just perfect.
Just read two and I have to go back and read the rest, they’re addictive

Short stories are challenging, and I think it shows a high level of skill to put them together as well as you have. Each one is a slice of delicious fiction along a theme, and your strong voice makes them stand out from the crowd.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Backed with confidence! Tom Ryerson (Carnal Wreckage)

Chapter 12
This is a wicked, wicked story. I sympathise with him and it did solve his problems…
Chapter 10
A great little story and the realisation dawning too late.
Chapter 8
This made me laugh.

I read a few of your stories. They are well written and funny but a tad too short. I will back your book because you made me laugh..

Anthony
Aqua Omega

You are so fantastic, Ian. :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my 2 memoir books?
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Dear Ian, I love words that you used, not often heard anymore like, "poignantly." It really adds to your story. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book to help it advance - this will help yours & mine move up on the charts. :) Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every "backing" you do moves your book & the other person's book closer to the top. :)

Wonderful writing; a wild, tumbling series of stories very much in the spirit of Vonnegut. Backed!
Brian Herder, Changing TImes

I only had a short time with your stories, because my DSL at home is down and I had to look your book over at work. Your style and workmanship is very good as was your pitch. I'm not a fancier of short stories, but what I read was very good.
Best of Luck,
Dawn De Remer (Golden Moon)

I only had a short time with your stories, because my DSL at home is down and I had to look your book over at work. Your style and workmanship is very good as was your pitch. I'm not a fancier of short stories, but what I read was very good.
Best of Luck,
Dawn De Remer (Golden Moon)

Ian -

I loved the warmth, loved the wit and the tongue-in-cheekiness of it all.

Sirens could easily be the literary love child of Kurt Vonnegut and Douglas Adams. (OK, I know they're both former residents of this planet and probably gamboling around some other dimension right now, but still...)

Who knew sci-fi could be such a damn hoot?

I'm going to have to stop chuckling for a second here, so I can back this.

Best of luck with it,

And I'd love your comments on my book.

-Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

I enjoyed reading DIP. You have a colloquial story-telling style that's quite engaging. And Dip is quite the hero, having saving thousands of lives by not pursuing his civil engineer degree. A true example of natural selection at work. “…with raised eyebrows, lopsided grin, and a backward start of the head.” You have a nice way with words. Well done. Backed.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Quarter-Finalist)

I can't make up my mind which is my favourite, its between the sex offender, the atheist and shooting Timmy. On balance, I think its the sex offender:-))

You have an incredible imagination and are also an incredible writer. The best sci-fi book I've read on Authonomy. Shelved.

Carol

I have now read the rest of chapter one, and have to leave another comment. This is marvellous. It isn't just that it is extremely funny (genuinely laugh out loud - I love the hint of Dalek, and the sex and violence) but it is, in places, beautiful. The dust motes in the dim light is wonderful. And BBC Radio 4's feelings for Joanne are ultimately lovely. I would back it twice if I could. Congratulations (and irritatingly, my desk now has four books on it that I don't want to take off). Ben

I'm on my lunch hour, which is just about to end, so am only half way through chapter one. But I can't let this past unbacked or uncommented upon. It is hilarious. I wondered whether there would be a Desert Island Disc subplot, with references to castaways, and at one point possibly something to do with Nicholas Parsons, but not yet. I love the device of an alien traveller looking at human activity. And the sentence structure and paragraph layout is sufficiently disjointed to convey that sense of foreign. There are some marvellous one liners, and I am looking forward to reading the rest. Ben

I read Sirens, Dave and Move or Copy. These are all excellent stories, full of imagination, and very funny. BBC 4's journey to earth in Percy's body and his experiences there, particularly falling in love with Joanne, are consistently amusing; and in particular his attempts to understand, and report back, about the various human behaviour and attitudes he observes. But they also reflect on humans in with an underlying seriousness and make important points. The out of credit situation at the end is hilarious. Dave, the writing class, is very funny but very short. You use BBC 4's approach to make a very serious point about humans, who pay more to people who invent things to destroy them, and often have no way out from the inventions which kill them. Move or copy is a very imaginative story about cloning. I was sorry it wasn't, if I've understood you correctly, finished, but stopped in the middle of a very interesting situation. This is an original and fascinating collection, and your writing skill is one of its high points. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

What a great imagination! Perspective is hilarious. Well written in a blackish humor voice. BACKED

Have a look at mine, and back it if you like it as much as I liked yours.
Best,
Robert
Golden Conspiracy

I think I shall try to be in Nottingham for Beer Festival sometime soonish.
phil

I really enjoyed these! The first two and then I read 6. They are very well written and each one is distincyly unique. You've got a wonderful imagination and a great eye for detail, which is your strong point in my opinion! Thanks for sharing these with us, I had a good time! Loved 'Our Souls Which Art In Heaven....my favorite!

Missy
Mark of Terntiy

Hi ian, This is original and witty and offers a fresh perspective on us all. You should do well with this. Gerry

chapter 11. Here's to Nottingham, I lived there for 20 years went to Uni and probably stood next to dip at the Bierkeller! good story, well told, tongue in cheek but that's aliens for you! Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown

Ian, "Sirens" is a very original read. I like your blend of narrative and true-to-life dialogue. Nothing to nitpick there.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

This is a unique collection of short stories, some funny, some sad but all thought provoking. The description of what we must look like to an alien is clever. The Michael Jackson chapter is brutal. All together, this is a book that is capable of completely whisking a reader out of his/her regular world into different ones - what really good books do. I"m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

This is quirky, original and INSANE. I read your first two chapters of Sirens and then had a read of 'Annabel the Cannibal.' I have come to the comclusion you are a loony. And may you get your work published by the finest publishing house in the land. The world needs more loonies. Brilliant. Carl. The Time Hunters

Sirens and Other Tall Stories:

Ian,

This is a unconfined wit pushing out the boundaries of our restricted perceptions by getting into the viewpoints of what aliens might perceive of our world. Whilst at times rib-tickling it's also a satirical debunking of anything that we allow ourselves to become ossified into thinking as the norm.
Clearly you have your own voice, your own wit and a colourful and broad canvas with which to paint each of your very refreshing scenes.
For me, you are doing to literature, almost what Stockhausen and John Cage did to classical music; both clearly expanding the boundaries of the norm in avant-garde forms of their own.
Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

The pitch and title of this really drew me in. I’m glad to say I wasn’t disappointed. This is a fun piece of writing. Very accessible and pacey. Made you want to keep reading. I liked this a lot.

Well done.

~ ILA ~

I've read your first story and will continue reading more. I love your sense of humor. Q

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Backed February 4.

Jesse - Savant

This is crazy stuff. Quite nice leaps hither and thither and whither. I like it!

Very imaginative - ch. 9 made me think of Logan's Run - kill them off at age 21, or something like that. I found this to be wickedly subversive, with jabs to the left, jabs to the right, jabs to the whole muckin' lot of us.
stuart phillips
High Cotton

Have read a few of these now and I could just sit and keep reading them forever. Just when you think WTF, it becomes so obvious. Duh. Good stuff. If you haven't... you should check out a couple of Ian's short stories. Shelved.
Sizzle Bean DiMille

This was quirky, funny stuff - I liked the mix of the fantastical and the mundane in the "Annabel the Cannibal" chapter. It may have made more sense to start at the top; I thought this was a short story collection but I can see there's a continuity to it. Will hopefully return soon for more, but was happy to shelve this, off-beat, sharply observed flights of fancy.

All the best
Pat Black
Snarl

Initially I thought this would be some flippantly merry piece of work that made little sense but after reading chapter six (my self-indulgent atheism made me) I was struck by how you can masterfully present things that are enormously profound and completely barking mad with simultaneous grace. Kudos sir! I then flitted around like an idiot and loved everything. Remember Michael Jackson was especially powerful for such a tall short story.

Hello Ian, I saw your book on the Home Page and decided to have a look. Am I glad that I did. I found it to be hugely entertaining and funny. In the first story, your aliens are wonderful and I love their comments about their sayings on the home planet. How come they are so like ours? I digress. Your descriptive prose is wonderful. Well done. I am going to back your story, but I will also read more as time permits. SHELVED.

Phyllis Burton
A Passing Storm (Would you care to take a look at mine, very different genre, but you never know!)

This is fantastic, I only read the first one but it had me gripped from the begining, it was funny and thought provoking, obviously being a woman I agreed with all their theories...brilliant :)

Ian--hi Ian--I think we may be kindred souls in the Order of Tumbling Wordage. I rarely comment on plot/theme, but rather proceed directly to the jugular: style. I like hallucinatory stuff, image streaming. Do I like it Enough?

Hmm. I think I do, maybe, if I feel some very early and relatively frequently recurring reassurance that we're on a ride to Somewhere (ie, Story) as opposed to on a ride to Just Wherever We Are Right Now (ie, Poetry). This is not a putdown of the latter, just a Truth In Packaging issue.

The first story doesn't have that early reassurance, not for me, the impatient reader feeling his credit card. Yet now, as I write, I'm looking at "Our Souls"--and I feel much more optimistic. Brief smart phrases, all business. I'm ready to proceed. So: WL'd for now. I applaud, as always, every wild stretch of imagination--start with the biggest bush, then go topiary. (Clearly, most of what I'm writing might be applied to myself...). Thanks for bk'ing Vertical Suburb.

You and I may end up sitting in a circle of chairs in some sort of support group... Scott Dickerson (Doxmyth)

I just read chapter 2 and all I can say is that you have a wicked sense of humour. It is well written. Since it is so short I wil read another. But in the meantime I will back your book.

Adrian

Sirens and Other Tall Short Stories is a thoroughly enjoyable read that I'm happy to back. It is funny, fast moving, decidedly odd in places and entirely unpredictable. Oh yes, and I loved the reason why Odysseus didn't fall into the grip of the sirens...

This is one of those stories you read that makes you say "WHAT THE HELL?" And yet, you can't stop reading it. It's funny and unusual and you have to know what happens. Well done. Shelved.

Amanda

Nice! Very Kurt Vonnegut-ish. I like the quasars as sirens.