Fields of Yaru

This story is really starting to get interesting now. You have set out your stall, Peter, and are now drawing the threads together in a way that makes the reader want to keep on reading. I can sense dramatic moments ahead. Seth’s character is the most clearly defined, you have made his “evilness” and motivation very plausible, and you are starting to flesh out the other characters. I’m looking forward to the next instalments.

Peter, wow.
You are like an orchestra leader, pulling in elements for your story from all over the place into one HUGE thriller. This feels crisp, intelligent and solidly put together. Chay's near death experience reminded me of Elysian Fields and seemed so ethereal and peaceful. Seth's plans are so evil and dangerous. We are really just that vulnerable. My only distraction was that this happened when Gorbechev was still in power and that's in the past, but maybe I just haven't read enough. Very smart, multi-layered and well thought out.
On my shelf.
Jeff

I've just finished the first 4 chapters. WOW! At first I wasn't being pulled in as much but then I don't know...it got me. And I was totally in this story. I am extremely impressed. I realize that you probably want me to give you places to change and things like that, but unfortunately I read your manuscript with a readers eye and not a critqueing one.

This is well told, and well written.

Shelved.

Love the premise and your opening certainly lives up to it. will continue, wonderful

FIELDS OF YARU
This is a unique story. The plot is intriguing: instead of fantasy demons or vampires causing trouble, here we have ancient Egyptians doing that (much more interesting because they seemed so much more believable to me). The out of life experience in the first chapter sets a great tone for the story. Makes a reader want to follow this. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Love the Einstein quote. I like the premise a great deal and I can't fault your smooth prose. Nice hook at the end of chapter one and chapter two reads very well too.
Carl
The Time HUnters

Well written with a nice depth to the writing. Accessible and clear, there is nothing of note I spotted that I could fault. Backed.

-Jenny-

I went to Egypt recently and so this grabbed my attention. It is a unique concept and one which sounds interesting from the pitch. I am shelving it now in the hopes to read more at a later date.
Kendall Craig, The Halo (of Delight)

You have a wonderful narrative style and a real sense for story. This is very well written and it was easy to get drawn into the plot.

Lockjaw

You have a wonderful narrative style and a real sense for story. This is very well written and it was easy to get drawn into the plot.

Lockjaw

This is so original! I love how you have managed to cram this much egyptological knowledge into a modern setting. You write with both respect and a great sense of tongue-in-cheek-humour about the religion, which pleases me, as an egyptologist myself. Your writing is also very intelligent. If I have any criticisms it is in trying to get a handle on the genre and the characters. I've read through to chapter four and I sense that Chay is going to be our major (mortal) protagonist, but I am not yet sure where his story is going. Though the opening is intriguing - with his brief sojourn in the afterlife - I was not aware of a 'hook' or, if you like, a question that I want answered in the rest of the book. Really fascinating stuff though, and it is so good to find a book that grapples with failry complicated subjects and manages to weave them together with such self-assurance. All the best with this.

Hi Peter,

This is quite a combination of stuff. Very well written. I read through chapter 7. I had only three comments:

1) tetchily: this is a 5 grand word being used to express "irritably" (a $.50 word). It doesn't translate into American English without going to look it up to make sure of the meaning. My vocab is now expanded, but I'd have a hard time using that word...
2) using the word in item one and then using "till" when you meant "until" meant your narrator was all over the place with his voice. I got pegged on this by other reviewers, I'm just passing it along to you.
3) "fermenting" zealotry - I suppose it could be said this way in a metaphorical sense, or you could "fomenting"...obviously your choice, i couldn't figure out which one you should use, you're the artist.

Anyway, it's got legs so I'm going to back it. Good Luck with your work.

Armen (Urtaru)

A great idea and I'm not at all surprised an agent is interested. I've always loved the idea of characters who have lived through centuries, and where the 21st century should seem the most interesting to them I always feel like it would feel so restricted to someone who had lived through times of great battles and adventures. Looking forward to seeing how Seth and Horus develop. I can't find much to fault, though I would change the line 'nine months had now elapsed since his motorcycle accident' as it's a bit too 'nine months later...'. Try something like 'it had taken nine months of recuperation...' or something that feeds easier into the narrative. Great stuff. On my shelf.

This story is really starting to get interesting now. You have set out your stall, Peter, and are now drawing the threads together in a way that makes the reader want to keep on reading. I can sense dramatic moments ahead. Seth’s character is the most clearly defined, you have made his “evilness” and motivation very plausible, and you are starting to flesh out the other characters. I’m looking forward to the next instalments.

Peter, wow.
You are like an orchestra leader, pulling in elements for your story from all over the place into one HUGE thriller. This feels crisp, intelligent and solidly put together. Chay's near death experience reminded me of Elysian Fields and seemed so ethereal and peaceful. Seth's plans are so evil and dangerous. We are really just that vulnerable. My only distraction was that this happened when Gorbechev was still in power and that's in the past, but maybe I just haven't read enough. Very smart, multi-layered and well thought out.
On my shelf.
Jeff

I enjoyed reading this. The descriptive passages are well crafted and the charaters drawn with alacrity. The writing is tight and a pleasure to read, the plot unusual and entertaining, and correctly paced.
My only carp is in the very first paragraph where it says, 'some hundred yards'. Maybe it is just me but it sounded a little odd.
Over all I enjoyed this so I shelved it!
Best,
Fred

This is an engrossing book. I love how we are right in the mind of your character - first Chay and his accident - then the next chapter you go into Seth, a god's POV. It seems that your even chapters come from the god's POV (I liked seeing Isis's thoughts of Seth) and the odds are for Chay. The pacing is great, the story is interesting. Who hasn't wondered what happens after you die? Or if God or gods exist? Or how gods would act today if they did? Shelved.

Your prose is wonderful, poetic, a smooth style, very well written. It isn't quite equalled by your dialogue, which at times seems stilted. And I think you need to work on a more grabbing opening. Your first few sentences are lovely but poetry is not enough to grab the reaader. Perhaps take an opening scene from later on in a plotline, or before the plotline - just something with a little more action. Your writing is too good to lose readers so early.
Shelving,
Hattie
xx

This is REALLY good.

Get back to it soon

Roddy :)

His Peter.

This story is REALLY individual. Adding to watch list and getting to it later.

Can you read my book, please.
Stones of Death

Roddy :)

a lovely gentle soft quality to the opening
classic words about returning for more to do
ah...the special numbers...you might like A Calculated Embellishment = Golden Ratio has its part
Chapter 2 is powerful, lots of amazing information to take in.
Like the jump between believing and skepticism the weaving, the questioning.
yes... some really interesting stuff here Peter.
Very nice to find a like-minded individual...although I think you to be more steeped in mythology than I(or at least it feels like it from what I've read here)
Thanks for reminding me.
Sorry I hadn't gotten to it as quickly as I should have.
All the best.
Shelved.
-=Bradley

Hi Peter.
I was really impressed by this. Anyone who can integrate ancient gods so smoothly with glasnost, Gorbachev and the capitalist West truly deserves a medal! Seth's ongoing feud with Horus seemed to fit so naturally into the modern world. Nothing jarred, nothing seemed out of place. And Chay's out-of-body experience reminded me forcefully of my own way of dealing with it in my third Artesans trilogy, so it really resonated with me.
I noted a few nitpicks, all in ch1.
'couldn't see nor hear him... either could *neither* see nor hear, or simply *or* hear him.
'more intense were the brightness and...more intense *became* the brightness?
'selling her and himself short... selling *both of them* short?
'to where Ceri was with his battered body'....to where Ceri *cradled* his battered body?
That's it, Peter, apart from Shelved, of course!
I wish you all the best with this and look forward to your thoughts on KING'S ENVOY.
Cas.

I like this story very much. Perhaps you should sets this book in my hometown of Krylatskoe in the west of Moscow, instead of the part in Los Angeles. Yours faithfully. Vadim.

I like this story very much. Perhaps you should sets this book in my hometown of Krylatskoe in the west of Moscow, instead of the part in Los Angeles. Yours faithfully. Vadim.

Dear Pedr, I have just read chs.13 & 14....and the story is just unfolding so beautifully. I love the way Ceri doesn't 'get it' with all the science in Ch 13 - it gives me permission to not understand it either, and reassures me that it is not necessary to get into the complicated science to enjoy the story. Clever ruse on your part.

Seth's dilemma in Ch. 14 is topical, and convincing. It is interesting and intelligent and I feel utterly engaged with this ruthless tyrant's thoughts. You have got inside the mind of a self-interested poweramaniac, it seems....

I love the way you locate each scene so well. I can feel the biting cold tundra, and also the spring sunshine in Ceri's garden. There is a real sense of 'place' and 'people' throughout your writing.

I love the idea of Horus settling down to struggle with designing crop circles in the freezing cold too.

Roll on ch. 15. love, Luiza.

An upcoming bestseller!

Hello Peter! I have just finished 3 chapters of your work. Firstly, I want to tell you that I am definitely backing it when I finish these comments. Secondly, I think you should know going in that I am not a sci/fi type girl. In fact, I have NEVER read a full sci/fi book, although I have made the attempt to read two before yours here on Authonomy but they never held my interest enough to go past the first chapter. I would always message the author and tell them that I didn't feel qualified to comment and wished them good luck. However, having said that, I am pleased to say that yours DID hold my interest, hence the upcoming bookshelf. I think it is an exciting fresh approach and the storyline is indeed intriguing. So now for my comments...
CHAPTER ONE: "Maths" should be either 'Math' or 'Mathematics'. Rather than telling us the complete details of the Pyramid and Ring formations here, why not wait for full details later when he begins to remember them?
I do not like the phrases "already blooded" or "mortal coil". Perhaps find another way of saying what you mean?
CHAPTER TWO: "....Land of the Free to stop it lording..." Shouldn't that be "its"?? The foreign language spoken toward the end of the chapter is awkward and unnecessary. Just write it in English and tell us its spoken in Russian or whatever. Save the actual foreign language for the movie.
CHAPTER THREE: You tell the reader Doug's name too soon. I'm not even sure we need to know Doug's name (or Dave's for that matter) at all. If they show up later in the story, tell us then, if Chay actually learns their names.
Well, that's all I can come up with. The writing is tight and the puncuation is near perfect. I think if, through all the chapters, you can keep the attention of someone like me, you have a very good chance of getting published. On the other hand, if your attempt is to appeal to ONLY the hardcore sci/fi reader, perhaps you need to include additional details that would be way over MY head. But think of this...the sci/fi books that eventually become epic movies, huge money-makers, are the books that appeal to a greater audience.
Congrats on this book! I wish I had the time to read more. It is left to be seen if YOU are the one that has turned me into a certified sci/fi fan.

This story is an unusual and quite daring mix. Out of body experiences, Soviet politics and ancient Egyptian goddesses enjoying a nice cup of tea in Glastonbury.

I think that it is the underlying deftness of touch, and humour that just about manages to pull all of this together. I loved Chad’s feeling that being ordered to return to life on Earth reminded him of being sent back to boarding school.

Actually, in an age when we’re used to faith’s and ideologies that claim to have “universal” answers, the idea of a world influenced by squabbling and far from perfect gods does have quite a lot of mileage in it. And the way you present the gods, almost as a kind of mad soap opera, “Dynasty” on LSD, is helpful to a reader like me who has little knowledge of the classical gods, let alone the Egyptian ones.

“The Egyptian Gods were a family for whom the term ‘dysfunctional’ might have been invented.” – great stuff.

I’m exactly the kind of person who dismisses crop circles as the work of pranksters – but still you hold my interest. The writing throughout is pitched at just about the right level, without needing to draw attention to itself.

Am happy to back it.

I've just finished the first 4 chapters. WOW! At first I wasn't being pulled in as much but then I don't know...it got me. And I was totally in this story. I am extremely impressed. I realize that you probably want me to give you places to change and things like that, but unfortunately I read your manuscript with a readers eye and not a critqueing one.

This is well told, and well written.

Shelved.

Hi Peter

Out of body, Egyptian gods and goddesses, crop circles and aliens....I am wondering how you are going to tie them together!!!! Well done- brave of you to tackle so many threads! Shelved!

Elaina

Peter, This really works. Seth's adherence to arid landscapes and the way these super-beings have blended themselves into the cold war and energy issues. I only wondered at Horus receiving an eye from Thoth when that was supposed to have happened eons ago. A brilliant variation on the fight between good and evil. I'll be shelving it - Katherine

This is a very exciting story, combining esoteric ideas with a catchy and touching story, I wish it very well, and hope to see it in print.
Prue Quicke

Hey Pete,
This is a heck of a good start! You set a nice pace and you have natural story-teller's instincts. The only suggestion I have for you is to try to pare the narrative down as much as possible. Go through and really examine the words and see if you can convey the same meaning with fewer words and sentences. This will enhance your pace even more. I'll provide an example just to show you what I mean, but by no means am I trying to get you to change your style.

For example, the passage:
"It only dawned on him then it was his body she was nursing. He felt vague surprise he wasn't feeling shocked by this. The emotion that prevailed was to comfort her, to assure her that he was really alright."
Could read:
"It then dawned on him that it was his body she was nursing. Surprisingly, he felt no shock, only an urge to comfort her, to assure her he was alright."

Great job, buddy! I'm placing you on my shelf, and I wish you the best of luck with this.

Matt

Peter,

Originality, style of writing and your obvious self-confidence caught my attention in this sample. It's pacey, too, which I find refreshing and complimentary to your style. I love the satirical humour and I don't mind even the longest of your sentences. Each one is perfectly formed and maintains its focus.

Great job.--Jack Ramsay

Hi Peter, Your first chapter caught me at once, the linking of out-of-body experience after the Egyptian pitch. And not calling it the Ba-soul or whatever? From the human, you are firm with the god and goddess personalities and their counterparts in the world powers. I will wonder why Seth hated civilization (out of envy of Osiris?) but your summary of his modern efforts and being proud of "driving Botticelli to torch his paintings" was perhaps your story's answer. Isis admitting that the Egyptian gods were a "family for which the word dysfunctional might have been invented" and that "few places are responsive to the energy of the goddess" - all done as two-dimensional, human and the ancient personality.

Although the summary of the power and pettiness in the ancient mythology seemed a little stilted or explaining, it wasn't new to me. I enjoyed its correspondence with modern power and pettiness and the attack on human body parts connected with military operations. I got to Chapter 7 and liked the humor in the human realm. "This is a brand new government made up of artists, writers, and musicians." It's on my watchlist until I can read more and have more shelf space - Katherine

Dear Peter, This reminds me of Tom Holt, and I mean that as a compliment. It’s imaginative, funny, fast paced, and playfully satirical. There’s also much for me personally: Egyptology, Star Trek (yes, I’m a Trekkie), parts of the UK I’m familiar with, such as Winchester and Glastonbury (I also know about crop circles).

I’m impressed by how well you’ve integrated so much, and I know from my experience of writing The Pharaoh’s Cat how hard it can be to weave ancient Egyptian mythology into a narrative. By and large, you do a fine job, but I think you should clarify the business with Horus’ eye. In your pitch you say he’s “eyeless,” meaning he’s blind. That’s not the myth of course: he’s lost only one eye. In Chapter 1, you refer to his eye in the pyramid image, and in Chapter 2, you refer to his present condition by saying he’s “too blind to be effective because his father Osiris needed to use his Eye in the Underworld.” This is a good opportunity to explain that Horus’ eye is “all seeing,” something you don’t do until Chapter 4.

I also think you should explain, at least generally, what it’d mean for Horus to have the eye, which you don’t do to Chapter 10, when he’s already started to use it. Maybe you could save some detail for Chapter 10, but you should give more information earlier. If the reader has a clear idea what the eye can do, she’ll hope even more that Horus gets it back. By the way, I like how you have Horus thank Chay with a wink.

When you replace “eyeless” with “wanting his missing eye back” or something, you should revise the rest of the pitch: it fails to do justice to your book. Let me give you a few examples: “Ancient Egyptian gods infiltrate our modern world to mix their issues with us mortals.” “To mix their issues” sounds too much like psychobabble. Try this: “Egyptian gods implicate the modern world in their ancient conflicts.”

The grammar is off in the next paragraph. That might be fixed by inserting “just” before “when” and deleting “here,” but if I were you I’d forget about this paragraph and the following one as well. Instead, go to the paragraph beginning “And as the gods” and reveal more of your story, not all of it of course but enough to whet the reader’s appetite and give her some orientation. In your pitch, you seem to want to play up the mortals and by play down the immortals. But that isn’t what your book does.

(You have Frank Zappa argue that cellular technology should replace Czechoslovakia’s obsolete telephone system, but was it available during glasnost?)

You do indeed show that the Egyptians gods are a “dysfunctional family” and you’re equally critical of us mortals. I like it all. Your book is on my shelf. Maria

Hi Peter. You do a great job of handling the touchy and vague subject of aflter life and cleverly contrast your intangible reality with active combat. Your dialogue is clear and easy to follow. You provide the perfect amount of inner thoughts to clarify the story. Your descriptions are woven with unexpected comparisons and stimulating words. I placed your excerpt on my shelf and send my best regards. Janet Marie

I've read enough of this to back it now - but not enough to comment in depth. Will do that later today. Cheers, -- JackR

Just finished up and ready for more!

I'm a sucker for this kind of story. You did a great job taking mythical Gods and making them your own. This is a very original piece of work and is definately going on my book shelf and watch list.

Incredibly original and shows a lot of research. This flows so well I was on chapter 5 before I realized. The mixture of historical politics, Egyptian and other gods and goddesses, current civilization creates a magical environment for the storyteller. Definitely shelved.
Rebecca

Hi Peter, I enjoyed this very much. The idea of gods adopting the form of historical characters through history is a brilliant one and you use it to great dramatic/comic effect.

Overall your style of writing is very smooth and flows easily. However, there were one or two phrases in the opening chapter that read oddly: Coincident with this... Up she took him... not the way one would speak anyway.

The tech speak in ch 1 gets in the way of the action somewhat. Also one or two wordy phrases like 'regenerative vitality' could be simplified.

I didn't get any clues as to what Chay looks like, age etc I would like to know more about his thoughts to flesh him out a bit.

Your story has some witty concepts: I loved the idea of Isis turning up in a Glastonbury tea room - makes a change from bloody King Arthur anyway!

I think you made a good job of explaining the Egyptian gods and their feuds. And your Glasnost era detail seems convincing too.

Overall i can see this shooting up the charts, I'll be pleased to have it on my shelf.

Hi Peter,
Right away, this story feels unique. Having the protagonist essentially dead, but having an out of body experience is sure to get people interested right away! This is not my genre, so I can't give you any advice, but the writing looks sound. I'll be keeping an eye on this :)
Holly

4 chapters in-which is 2 more than my norm-and i can't wait to read the whole thing-ENGROSSED

there's some seriously long sentences but the shortness of the chapters let you get away with that.

The content is original and fascinating and had every cog and pully in my brain working to take it all in.

nitpicks. i'd like you to swap the first 2 para's around(please feel free to ignore) just because a) i loved the line about the motorbike b) i thought it would add just a second of suspense before he left his body.

my tiny nitpick-chay looked round(around) unless you're saying he looks like a ball-pathetic i know, but it's true.

after that your story infused my imagination so much i stopped looking for any.

BIG BIG SHELF-TJ

Hi Peter, I very much enjoyed reading this and am glad to have it on my shelf. It has all the ingredients I enjoy. A good plot and good ideas, I was drawn into the story. I will try to come back and read more so that I can leave a more sensible comment but so far I am impressed and wish you the best of luck with this.
Best wishes,
Annabelle
(Would love your thoughts on Adelaide Short if you can ;-))

I made my comments in dot points, so here they are for you. Unlike some of the other commentators, I got to the end of Chapter #7, so I have a more thorough following.

Good opening, Maths sort of kills it though.
Good use of ancient Myths (I'm studying World Mythology at uni, so I can pick them out more easily than others)
Could use some grammatical/spelling fixes
Some altention to myths, still in good and recognisable order
Some awkward sentences
- over complex, forcing into confusion
- overlong sentences, could be split
Good-sounding mystery
Shifting perspectives are easy to follow, give depth to story/characters
Short chapters enable quick reading, up the pace of the story
Too much tech-talk

Peter,

Some comments here as you asked. Please note that it's all just my opinion.
I've read four chapters. I'm quite engaged by the story.It's clear that you have a lot of ideas and research behind this. It's interesting, and I'm wondering where it's going, in a good way.
I think you need to work on writing style. Your narrative style is verbose. There are many long and twisty sentences where meaning is in danger of being obfuscated by the sheer number of words. Sometimes also I feel you are trying to say too much in one sentence.
I think you need to tease this out a bit, and in the process, substantially reduce the amount of 'telling' you do. Cut all straight explanations, where you are in effect talking to the reader. I don't find the long lectures (esecially in chapter 2 and 4) engaging, even though the subject material is. It seems like you introduce the characters of Seth and the old lady simply to have a small, rather insignificant scene, and hang lots and lots of infodumping on it. Make it more active. A lot of this straight explanation can wait. You have a whole book to introduce us to your world. You don't need to do it all in the first few chapters.
Instead, I'd love to be a bit more in the heads of your main characters. I am not quite sure of the relationship between Ceri and Chay. At one stage, you say Chay's love life has been flat, but later you say Ceri is his partner? That doesn't quite add up for me. Show their life together. Show us how they live and get on.

Very clever threads running through this. Needs to be read at leisure to avoid missing the nuances. On my shelf, Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Hi Peter,

Four chapters into the book and I'm still eager to read more. I've added you to my WL and will be back to finish the book. Great read!!

Cheers,
Ci

Thanks, Pierre, for your considered opinions, bestowing me the wisdom of your experience as a published author and shelving Fields of Yaru.

I know you like to keep the writing lean and sparse which works very effectively in your story. I am conscious my prose can be quite dense. You suggest it may be pared down but it may require loosening or stretching out - I’m a bit concerned I might finish the book with less than 20000 words!

On your point of caution, when you distinguish narrative story-telling from a character-driven, direct-action story, do you mean I’m in danger of telling more than I show?

I’m glad to have your endorsement of the book’s concept as a creative idea. Your pointers at the sci-fi and fantasy community on authonomy will be useful I am sure too.

I am moving through the Girl in the Fig Tree nicely still and will report back as I am moved to. I’ll add to the thread to keep the book in high profile.

Thanks again.

Peter

And yes, well spotted - the Commando was a Norton (vintage 1967 750cc).

Dear Peter,


I’m wondering whether yaru is yarrow. Interesting pitch and synopsis.

Fields of Yaru is on my bookshelf.

I don’t fault the writing, although I thought there were unnecessary adjectives in the opening paragraph. But those have fallen away now.

Yes, I know about Nature’s mathematical proportions. The writing reads well.

Aha, a Norton. From the sixties? Nice bike. Wouldn’t mind one or a Triumph Tiger 100 now.

If you accept crits, I’d take out the adjectives and adverbs and pare some of the longer paragraphs. I probably stand alone in suggesting this, but it’s how I edit my own stuff (which is not the best).

Into chapter two now. I am impressed by the concept behind this and there is a lot of data and information backing it up.

A word of caution. This is very much narrative story-telling and an editor may ask you to convert it to a character-driven, direct-action story. Not a big problem to do this.

Of the writing which I don’t fault, I suggest there is too much of it. In due course, you may have to pare it considerably. Obviously, don’t do anything now. See what further comments you get. But do realize it is a criticism publishers throw at us.

I have read chapters three and four and stay with my above comments.

I suggest you concentrate on swapping reads with other SF writers because I am out of my depth here. Have you seen the Book Genre section at the foot of Forum?

I believe there is both a Fantasy and a Science Fiction section there. I would become involved with those authors and believe you will impress them, as this is one of the most authoritative pieces of SF I have read.

The creativity of the concept is unique and impressive too.

Ignore the pat-on-the-back crits. They won’t get either of us published.

Patty and Greta are SF writers, down-to-earth in their crits and solid writers. If you haven’t swapped with them already, you’ll have a lot of fun commenting and being commented on.

Go well with your writing.

Kind regards,


Pierre.

Hi Peter.
Well I'm glad I found this one. I was totally wowed by your opening paragraphs, and you maintained momentum throughout the first chapter. I'm intrigued and am continuing to read this, but I have shelved already because I think it's brilliant.
Good luck, Janie.

Besides, Seth had always wanted to visit Disney Land,...:)... I wasn't expecting that sentence amongst all the technical calculations and such.
I'm not too terribly far into this story but I can tell you have a vivid imagination and your writing is clear and easy to follow. I really liked the way you started and ended the first Chapter, hooked me from the start and had me eager to see what chapter two held. I like this piece, it's entertaining and well written. I'll read more later tonight but for now I've read enough to know this is good. It deserves a spot on my shelf.
Jan