Book Jacket

 

rank 5457
word count 13928
date submitted 15.03.2009
date updated 26.03.2009
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction
classification: moderate
incomplete

Maggie's End

Amanda Dixie

A paranoid mother and her daughter hiding in an abandoned caravan are followed by a strange, ten year old girl who knows too much.

 

Since Robin turned thirteen, a strange atmosphere has been seeping over London. Pam has left Mum and disappeared back to Greenham Common, and now school has closed for a week. When Robin suggests a holiday, she thinks of somewhere warm where Mum can relax and recover from her heartbreak and perhaps make some new friends.


She has no idea that they’ll end up hiding in a dilapidated caravan by the sea, only able to explore during the cold November nights. Then she meets Maggie, a young girl who almost leads her to her death playing on the rocks by the sea. Why does Maggie keep following Robin? And why is she so obsessed with that recent suicide out on the cliffs?


As Mum’s condition deteriorates, Robin and Maggie are thrown together on a wave of discovery, involving a chicken shed, a pile of newspapers and a man who paints pebbles on the seafront. Robin is swept out of her depth, as she learns about the brooding landscape; the dark secret of Maggie’s past and the true threat of her own mother’s illness. Her discovery will change the way she sees the world around her forever.

 
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tags

activism, coming of age, daughters, death, family, friendship, ghosts, greenham common, lesbian, love, mental illness, mothers, peace, sea, suicide, w...

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51 comments

 

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bluestocking wrote 1142 days ago

I love the ominous, scary quality of this. It's so, so sad, too. I love the voice of it. I haven't read the whole thing, obviously, but on the basis of what I've read so far, I think your book is a really advanced contribution to feminist literature, because it takes on the question of how women can hurt and victimize one another in a very real, visceral way. It's very unflinching. The character of Robin is so abandoned and alone. She really stays with you.

I read your whole excerpt and feel unable to say much more about this unusual work. It just rends the heart with pity, that is all I can say so far. Backed unhesitatingly. All the best--Maria.

mskea wrote 1155 days ago

Hi Amanda,
First of all the characterisation - you have done agreat job of Robin and especially of the mother - mental health issues I presume - the inconsistencies, the highs and lows, the paranoia - 'she had long given up hope that it would be hat kind of evening.... Like it used to be.' / whole para beginning 'Mum's throat clicked... in the womb.' - excellent. / 'saw Mum's eyes lingering, wide as a child, eager for some sort of praise.' / 'Robin longed to preserve her like this, to seal her off from the other Esther Crowe.' / the way she hides them in the caravan which doesn't belong to her. Great sense here of a woman who isn't thinking / reacting as a normal healthy person would.
The 'voice' of Robin, seems to me to be spot on for a 13yr old in the 80s - Some really effective description - 'She wasn't just Robin with her name spelled differently, she was someone else altogether.' / The questions about herself that wouldn't be answered. - Particularily about her father. / tHe degree to which Robin has taken on some of her mum's paranoia - 'hard to decide who was part of the active government conspiracy' / 'Her fixation on the possibility of a nuclear war, feelings about Greenham Common - well done. / Her desire to know her Gran - 'Robin guessed she would have turned up by now if she was going to come at all.'
General description also effective - 'the grey blur of the playground' / 'angry red patches seeping out towards Europe and America.'
There was very little here that jarred for me - duct tape - should be duck tape - if you mean the broad grey stuff. / 'like the city smog at dusk' - was there smog in London in 80s? / the fact that they have a car - how do they live - on benefits? If so then running a car, especially if her mum doesn't go anywhere, borders on unconvincing. I feel you need an earlier ref to a car - perhaps 'hardly ever used ' / 'hangover from when Mum had a job' or something. / Who Pam is concerned me from the start. At first I thought an older sister. It was a bit distracting to keep thinking about her - so perhaps some details earlier?
But these are minor things and easily sorted.
Overall the tone and quality of the writing is high.
Onto my shelf.
M.

J&M JENSEN wrote 938 days ago

Dear Amanda,

This is nicely written and all flows very smoothly. Robin feels real and easy to identify with, great plot too. I think this should do really well. Watchlisted for now until I have space on the shelf.

J&M Jensen
(Graemor)

AliB wrote 963 days ago

Hello Amanda
Picked this out as it has similarities to my own. Really nice writing here and themes I warm to. Your main character is convincing and I like how she is tough and vulnerable too. The relationship with the mother is well drawn and gives the whole thing a sad and eerie feel. Some minor nit-picks. 'watched Matt’s head scan the room' - head sounds a bit detached from his body! 'Too right' - seems a bit casual for the headmaster. I do really like some passages 'Feet smacked across the hall. The curtain was tugged back from the mottled glass' - good tension. I was just beginnig to think we needed some interest outside the mum-daughter duo when you bring in Maggie.
Guessing you are taking a break from authonomy right now- hard to keep writing and give it the time it needs. If you are able I hope you'll take a look at mine some time. Have put you on my shelf.
AliB
The Water's Edge

msm0202 wrote 1006 days ago

Amanda,
Robin may be the best child character I've come across on authonomy. Her situation is so complicated and sad for a thirteen-year-old. Yet she seems to have this inner strength, as if she has has to be the adult in this situation. This is writing at a very high, layered level.
Easily backed.
Mark

JohnRL1029 wrote 1021 days ago

Absolutely depressing...in a good way. I love depressing literature. WL.

Paolito wrote 1059 days ago

Maggie's End...

This is a damn fine book. So many issues I haven't seen in a long time and you combine them so well. Robin is a character your readers will want to follow to the end.

I haven't read far enough to be sure that Robin's mom is a "peacnik" (to use that awful phrase), but if she is, I'd like to see a bit more fear (just a hint, mind you) in Robin in the first chapter. I remember living in Germany for 3 years as a youngster (11 to 13 years old) when the Cold War was hot, and the Canadian Armed Forces personnel and dependents were told that we would have evacuation drills, just in case. I remember being very aware a lot of the time that there really could be a war, and I worried about losing my parents and my sister, etc.

This is shelved without a qualm.

Cheers,
Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places)

Alecia Stone wrote 1093 days ago

Hi Amanda,

Great narrative voice, it felt like the characters were jumping out at me. Great vivid descriptions, and the dialogue and characters are believable.

One error:

You know what I’ve got to do, don’t you – missing a question mark.

I like your style and your writing is tight. The story sounds interesting and I look forward to reading on.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

mattrogers wrote 1113 days ago

I'm impressed, Amanda. You have a strong, confident narrative voice going here, which fits Robin's character perfectly. It's very easy for the reader to lose himself in your writing, which is so important. And what an exciting and original premise! The combination of great writing and an interesting, original topic is a surefire formula for success, in my opinion. I think this will do well. Keep at it!

Matt Rogers

mn73 wrote 1113 days ago

There's some beautiful interplay here between Robin and her mother, a real tortured relationship if ever there was one. Robin is an immediately sympathetic and likeable character. I feel this would have more punch if it started immediately at the caravan, and had flashbacks to what led up to them getting there. The loneliness of life at the caravan and the appearance of Maggie are the selling points of this novel and it wouldn't hurt to present them to the reader straight away. Best of luck with it.

Jeff Blackmer wrote 1114 days ago

Amanda,
Very well done. Realistic good character development through things happening. My only concern is that it comes out rather early in chapter one that Robin is worried about an upcoming war, but I think we need just a bit more of a basis for her anxiety. Nothing has happened anywhere to provide a basis for her anxiety, even in her mind. I think you need just a tiny bit more to drive her paranoia. Pam taking off just doesn't seem to do it for me. I think it would work if you found a bit more of a reason, however irrational, to worry Robin. It has an ominous quality to it that I think works. If you could make us worry, or even worry a bit more about Robin, then it would be even more intense. Thats my only quibble, though.
On my shelf.
Jeff

Shayne Parkinson wrote 1117 days ago

I've read all four uploaded chapters, Amanda. I was living in England in the early 1980s, and you make a fine job of capturing the paranoia that I remember as a constant undercurrent. More than that: you intensify it into illness in Esther, and have poor, bewildered Robin fearful on so many levels. She's frightened for (and almost *of*) her mother; she's made frightened *by* her mother; and she breathes in the fear that was in the very air. You do all that, while making Robin a very real and convincing young teen.

Gripping stuff, and on my shelf.

Margaret Anthony wrote 1119 days ago

Amanda,
You write with great confidence and have produced the start of what I'm sure will be a very good book. You have well defined characters that do exactly what you intended, create clear images of themselves in the reader's mind. This story may be fiction but I believe behind many doors lies similar sad tales. I'm shelving this for it's potential, good luck with it. Margaret.

Riva wrote 1120 days ago

Hi Amanda

I've really liked what I've read of this. You've grabbed me from the beginning and created a really atmospheric setting. I wish I had the time to read more. I will try to come back to it but in the meantime its going on my shelf.

Good luck with all your writing.

Riva (Taking Care of Rosie)

TheresaMC wrote 1122 days ago

I just adore Robin. So smart and assertive. The description of the shut in smell is superb and the atmosphere is great. The whole thing is intriguing... Shelved.

LittleDevil wrote 1122 days ago

I've just read through the whole excerpt and really enjoyed this. It's different, which is always good. I don't know if you watch Eastenders, but the whole way through reading, I saw the characters and heard the voices of Stacey and her mother Jean. They have always been (in my mind) the best actresses and I love it when they have a major part. The only quibble I have is 'where's her brother Sean? I love Sean! Seriously, I really like this. I can't offer anything constructive at all. So I'll just stick it on my shelf and hope to see it rise!
Best wishes
Sue

Patty wrote 1123 days ago

Mandy,

I've just read all four chapters of this. This is surreal and gripping, a subtle portrayal of mental illness, and a weird reminder back to those days in the 80's. Ah-a! I forgot about them.
Anyway, I'm supposed to be making suggestions for improvement. I have to say I wasn't properly engaged until Robin gets home. I'm not really sure you need the school scene, because it made me think this novel is going to be about wht Robin suddenly did poorly at school, and it's not about that at all. But it's really a small comment and probably insignificant. I'll stick this on my shelf for a bit.

klouholmes wrote 1124 days ago

Hi Amanda, So directed, the surroundings and character details well-tucked into the dialogue and action. The whole storytelling technique keeps the reader involved. I liked the way that this study of the mother's influence is like any mother's and how you have emoted the adolescent daughter's need for her parent. You've given glimpses of her own satisfactions and escapes, despite the burden of her mother's situation - such as the woods and her "cheeks still tingling with twigs and branches." Liked that phrase. Superb backtracking about her Mum and Pam during the sleeplessness in the caravan. "She realized her mother had taken the only source of light" as she falls behind in a new landscape. This is suspenseful because it is contemporary. An absorbing read! Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Keefieboy wrote 1126 days ago

Amanda, this is very interesting. And quite unusual. Your characters are believable and your writing is pretty fluid. It's very evocative - Greenham Common and Chernobyl seem like a world away now. Shelved.

Odysseus wrote 1126 days ago

“‘You are a very, very lucky young lady. As it happens, I haven’t got time to sort out your little escapade, this time.’”

I wonder if Robin is such lucky. She seems rather more troubled than that. Quite apart from abuse misdirected to her about her mother, there are further dark preoccupations:

“Trekking through certain parts of Hackney, on a day like this, with all the grey crumbling buildings and boarded up windows, Robin couldn’t stop herself thinking about Chernobyl and World War Three.”

But she seems to have got this part right:

“. Sometimes it was hard to decide who was part of the active government conspiracy, and who was blissfully ignorant to what was going on.”

But methinks she has more immediate matters in hand:

“Even in November, the dustbins by the entrance to Robin’s block reeked of potato peelings and dirty nappies. Robin held her breath as she ran past them, through the double doors and up the stairs to the fifth floor. She slowed her pace once she reached the walkway, dodging her neighbours’ washing, draped from the concrete girders above her head.”

This is an altogether too familiar reality for far too many people. Hats off to this author for tackling such issues because this depicts stark urban existence:

“When someone has been shut up all day, it’s the smell you notice first, strangely compelling, it circles you and lulls you closer to the source.... as Robin’s eyes adjusted she could make out Mum’s shadowy figure on the edge of the bed, with her back straight and her knees together and her feet touching the floor, as if she was meditating on the inspiring view out the window. But the curtains were closed, beyond that, as ever, stood the next block on the estate.”

And try this for heart-rending:

Eventually she turned her back on Robin and laid down on her side, pulling her knees up to her chest, like a baby in the womb.Later, she didn’t stir as Robin reached under the bed for the secret stash of emergency money, helped herself to a tenner and skulked out of the flat to find some chips.”

This is the sort of subject I wish authors didn’t need to know about because it was all fabricated; but it never is and therefore this is the sort of subject that I rejoice that authors do know about and write about because but for the Cathy Come Homes or the Up The Junctions or more recently the Trainspottings the rest of us would be kept in blissful ignorance.

“Who was her father? What was his name? Was he still alive?”

How many children have we allowed through our present society mores to face such questions.

This author has chosen such subject matter quite deliberately as a tale to be told for illumination. It is clear to me from such writing as this, that she could have turned her considerable talent in any direction she chose:

“Needles of rain darted diagonally across the screen and every now and then, the wipers would sweep across, destroying the delicate pattern, only for it to build up again a few seconds later. Soon Robin sprawled across the back seat, sensing from the smoother movement of the car that London was miles behind them. From under her drooping eyelids, the glaring lights of shops and buildings, had softened into a gentle glow either side of the road.”

But this author has a purpose and a message:

“Robin had turned thirteen the weekend before Pam left... What had Robin wished then? Now, she could think of a hundred wishes she should’ve made, but at the time, surrounded by friends and family, hair slightly damp and still smelling of chlorine, she probably squandered the wish by hoping that A-ha single would make it to number one, or something.”

I have read all that has presently been uploaded and I would now like to know more. The developing relationship with Maggie for instance. But there is more than enough here to tell me that this author knows exactly what she is doing and I for one will be happy to be led further along to whatever tune she decides to play as this story unfolds. Backed.







Rohit Gore wrote 1127 days ago

Hi Amanda

I just read the first chapter of Maggie’s End.

+ You have a great descriptive style. From the peeled potatoes to the cereal box, I could see everything that you wanted to show and just the way you wanted to show it. It is a great skill!
+ Your characters are very well etched. I could see Robin. You have never ‘told’ me about her physical characteristics apart from her height, but I could ‘see’ her. That’s a winner. You can show your characters without telling about them

A few inputs. Just remember that I am an amateur and you are most welcome to tell me that this feedback is worthless!

- Have a long hard look at the PoV. I have learned this the hard way. What you need to do is get into Robin’s head and stay there. The rule of the thumb is very simple. Every time you write what Robin felt, looked at, smelt, touched etc, you are moving out of her PoV and getting into author’s PoV. For example: Robin remained staring into the wall, yet through a corner of her eye she watched Matt’s head scan the room. This sentence, in Robin’s PoV will be: Matt scanned the room, his rapidly twisting neck a blur in her peripheral vision as her eyes remained focused on the white wall. I am sure you can improve on my suggestion. There are several instances in your book where the PoV is shifting. If you rewrite those parts, I think your book will read a lot smoother!
- Also have a long hard look at the passive prose. I struggle with it a lot. Too many ‘had’s, ‘had been’s and ‘have been’s make reading a bit uneven. Evaluate every instance of passive prose and check if it can be rewritten.
I look forward to reading the remaining chapters.

Cheers
Rohit

Pierre Van Rooyen wrote 1127 days ago



Dear Amanda,


Ha, ha. Make money out of writing. I have never made more than labourer’s wages. Unless you write another Marley and Me, or To Kill a Mocking Bird, or Jonathon Livingstone Seagull which was rejected over a hundred times.

That’s quite a synopsis. Nice work.

A character- driven opening. Good, keep it that way. This is pretty neat writing in that it is not encumbered with over description. It flows well.

Your dialogue and character interplay drive the story fast. Your narrative doesn’t really slow it down. A couple of longer narrative paras that might be pared.

I’m still keeping in mind that snazzy synopsis if yours. Lots of exciting things still to happen.

Maggies’ End is on my bookshelf.

I’m adding a whole lot of writing tips which I pass on to certain writers from time to time. They might confirm what you already know or show what sort of writing is a no-no.

Go well with your stuff.


The notes below may provide a bit more insight. I hope you find them of interest.

Over the past five months I have spent three hundred hours providing page-long critiques but can no longer keep up with the volume.

So I’m trying another way of passing on information.

I will attempt to do better than critique your work by indicating how you might judge it yourself. Rather along the lines of give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, feed him for life. You may or may not agree with everything and I admit I do not always stick to these thoughts either.

What I have set out below are guide-lines based on what I myself have learnt from being published.

The pitch is critically important as among the book-lists which editors scan, your pitch stands alone with no support from the synopsis. I write the synopsis first, because a key sentence there is usually appropriate for the pitch.

A synopsis is not a dust-jacket advertisement. Aimed at a professional editor, it is a no-nonsense summary of what happens in the novel, including how the novel ends. Don’t leave the editor dangling and don’t ask her questions. Tell her.

Somerset Maugham said, ‘There are three rules for writing a successful novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.’

Correct. There are no rules for creativity. Think of Richard Bach’s Jonathon Livingstone Seagull. So way out, so creative it was rejected over a hundred times. Then it became a best seller.

There is one criterion though……. entertainment. Our writing must entertain from the very first sentence. There is no other reason for story-telling whether around a camp fire or in print..

I have struggled nine years to write three novels. Each written three times. One published, one lying fallow, Fig Tree currently in the process of being rewritten for the fifth time. Two literary agents requested the full manuscript but threw it back at me for narrative story telling. So I am rewriting, converting narrative to dialogue.

Based on what has happened to me, these are my thoughts on what editors want from us…………….


Plunge directly into the story. Do not set the scene or back-story first. When we go to a play and the curtain rises, we don’t see stage hands putting the props in place. The stage is already set. Likewise our opening paragraphs to the reader, the actors should immediately get on with it.

I have found that our opening chapter isn’t necessarily the first one we write. It might only occur to us when the novel is completed.

Let our characters drive the story-telling via dialogue, interplay and direct action. It’s stupid (although I am guilty of this) to have a stage set and silent characters frozen, while an off-stage narrator bores the audience with what is supposed to be happening on the stage.

Write minimal words because research shows that our readers’ brains race ahead of our words, visualizing the scene themselves, anticipating how our sentences end…… four times faster than they are reading. They become bored and frustrated by our overwriting, over description, unnecessary information. (I have been hauled over the coals for this.)

Write tight, sparse, lean, stark, bare bones. Use as few adjectives and nouns as possible because they can make our work flowery. As far as possible, always seek the appropriate noun and verb. (He didn’t run fast, he hared, raced, flew, darted, sprinted hurried, etc.)

(Read John Steinbeck’s field notes Journal of a Novel which he jotted down while he was writing East of Eden. He edited out as many adjectives and adverbs as possible, finding the appropriate noun or verb instead.)

And yet, in my rewrite I am horrified to find superfluous words, adjectives, adverbs and general waffling which I am getting rid of. I am embarrassed at my own work.

My vocabulary is poor, so I use Roget’s Thesaurus which is a treasure. A real work-horse and a delight to use. It’s a companion that provides thousands of alternative words. Appropriate nouns and verbs are there for the picking.

Don’t write your scenes. Live them. Experience them. Meditate. Daydream yourself into them Watch what is happening. Listen to what the characters are saying. Smell the sweat or the aroma or whatever. Touch what the characters are touching. What do you feel? Taste the bile, the coffee, or the skin of the lover.

All communication is made through our five senses. I wear earmuffs when I write, to help me leave this world, experience the emotions and the senses and disappear into another universe which is the scene I’m trying to paint.

Are we stirring the emotions of the reader? Feeling is critically important. This can be achieved through good dialogue. Speak your dialogue aloud to hear what it sounds like. Is it natural? Do people really speak like that? Is it too formal? In the real world, we often don’t speak complete sentences. So dialogue can be truncated too to make it more natural.

In my opinion a novel must generate its own momentum, so readers experience it rather than read it. This can be achieved by dreaming it, experiencing it, living it, rather than writing it.

To avoid clumsiness I edit out the past participle ‘had’. I change ‘he had done it’ to ‘he did it’ It seems to make the action more immediate and more relevant.

I also dump words ending in ‘-ly’……. seemingly, clearly, obviously. actually, strangely, finally, eventually………. and all the others. Somehow they weaken our writing and make it vague.

And I am finding that much of the dialogue reads better if the ‘he said, she said’ is deleted.

Taking words out of our sentences and taking sentences out of long narrative paragraphs, in my opinion, is the secret to better writing. I can easily cut my stuff between 20% and 50%.

I learnt this when a literary agent demanded I delete 40,000 words from my first novel of 120,000 words. I was shocked but I cut it back to 80,000 words and the novel was published.

Fig Tree has already shed 16,000 words and I am currently rewriting it for the fifth time, changing the dialogue, cutting the narrative and tightening the writing as much as possible. I might dump another 6,000 words.

You may be interested in The Video Inside Our Heads, which is part of a confession I made about my idiocies in attempting to write. See, ‘How I Wrote and Sold My First Novel’ in Forum’s Writing section. It’s quite insane and you’ll probably laugh at me but it did work and I suppose that’s what matters..

I trust this is better than a critique and provides a food for thought..


Kind regards,



Pierre Van Rooyen.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree.

nana wrote 1128 days ago

Hi Amanda, just finished reading all four chapters. I was swept along the story line, feeling with Robin, recognising Greenham Common scenes from Stonehenge festivals during the same era. Mental illness, fear of world war 3, and so much would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

Extremely well written. Shelved!

Agneta

JasonDiggy wrote 1128 days ago

Hi Mandy! Have to tell you that I really liked this book. It's certainly an interesting plot, and your writing is very good. Very strong beginning, as well, one that pulls the reader in and makes you want to keep reading. That's the strength of your work, it is very readable and keeps the attention of the reader. My only quibble is...where's the rest of it??? I'd love to read more.

Michael
The Last Coming Out Story

Bob Avey wrote 1129 days ago

I enjoyed reading, Maggie's End: Good characterization, realistic dialogue, and a smooth narrative style. It's on the shelf.

afesmith wrote 1129 days ago

Sorry I took so long to get to this … but it was worth the wait. There is a well drawn sense of atmosphere in this book, bleak and cold. Robin's loneliness and her mother's paranoia come through starkly. There's also a clear contrast between the present and the nostalgic memories of the past (like the one at the start of ch. 3), which have a completely different feel to them despite being written in so few words. Very clever.

You've also got some really good, unusual descriptions in here. I liked the bit about her mother's voice being rich and deep but grainy, like nutty chocolate. And the crow's feet looking like a child's drawing of sunbeams.

The relationship between Robin and her mother was convincing, a kind of mutual dependence yet separated by unspoken secrets. The only thing I wondered about was the way the mother treats Robin like a much younger child than she really is – that in itself I can believe, but I thought there might be a bit more resentment on Robin's side, given that she has just entered her teens.

I'm definitely shelving this. (As a robin myself, I could hardly do otherwise :-)

James Stephen Rice wrote 1129 days ago

Got here, eventually, and so glad I did. This is a thumping read, Amanda. Hear my heart beating! Go on! Listen to it! Couldn't put it down last night, and what's the first thing I do this morning when I wake up? Yep, you got it, turn on Terry Wogan ... ! No, silly! open up "Maggie's End" again, that's what.

You move me, Amanda. Up, down, backward and sideways! Thank you for this work, and keep writing, eh? You must!

James

JanJ wrote 1129 days ago

On chapter two.This is quality writing. it's not over written, the dialogue is so real. You have some great original lines.
I can picture Robins Mum so clearly. From a depression like state one day to a childish excited behavior the next day. This has to be terribly scary for Robin. Very entertaining story you have here.

SoulCascade wrote 1129 days ago

Your writing flows nicely, and I think you have talent.

I liked your opening, and that Robin got into a fight over her mother and punched a boy but he was too embarrassed to admit it lol!

I felt a bit of disconnect with Robin. After reading the first chapter, I didn’t feel like I had a sense of who she was (I know it’s just one chapter, but I didn’t feel much of her personality at all). Also, the text felt very emotionless…for example I didn’t really get a sense of how this interrogation by the principal made Robin feel. Seemed like she just sat there staring off into space…

- “his aftershave made her eyes water” I think you should describe what it smelled like here. I think you could do with lacing some sights, sounds and smells etc in the text to engage a reader’s senses. What does the office look like, for example...I didn't have a mental image of where they were at all until well into the scene.

- don’t understand the quasi threat the principal gives Robin when he says “I haven’t had a good morning”…well, if she punched someone on the playground, what does that have to do with suspending her or not?

Overall, I think this will do well if you put a little more work into it!

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 1129 days ago

Being a child at school is quite a fleeting period where ideas and attitudes change so quickly that it can be hard to pin down a character. You have done this incredibly well, it is not easy to make me identify with pupls of this age. On my shelf, well done. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Lord Dunno wrote 1135 days ago

This is so bleak and eerie and everything seems to be seen through a wintry mist. Yet there is also a grim humour too. It's a bit like one of Mike Leigh's more serious works. There's a lot to like here, the smells that pervade the whole book from the head's aftershave which makes Robin's eyes water, to the bins reekingof potato peelings and dirty nappies, to the musty smell of the room after Mum has been shut in all day to the sour caravan smell. We really feel Robin's resigned fear as she's left alone in the caravan . The worry that Mum is going to lose it at any moment. The longing for some other company. And then the child Maggie... we just know she is going to be special from that last line. 'My name is Maggie. Thank you for asking.'
Robin's missing Pam is also heartfelt and we really get the sense that poor damaged Mum just is not enough.
I would really like to read more.
As an afterthought, it's odd really but you captured the time perfectly. You know to me that whole Chernobyl and the Greenham Common protests only seems like yesterday and yet now it's become a period piece... it makes me feel old. Ace stuff.

Janet Marie wrote 1136 days ago

Hi Amanda. Is it okay if I felt a cry coming on when I read Mom's crow's feet looked like sunrays. Oh man. You effectively humanized the protagonist in Chapter 1. Your minor characters are as interesting as you protagonist. You keep high conflict in every scene. Brilliant to have your protagonist defend whether her mother is crazy and allow he nemesis to believe she is gay. Riveting ending to Chapter 1. My heart literally started beating slower. Chapter 2 builds the tension and tugs heartstrings. I want Robin and Mum ot be happy. Kids put up with so much from parents. Brilliant. Shelved. Good luck. Janet Marie

VisionScript wrote 1139 days ago

This is well written and entertaining. You can tell an indepth story is developing. I read a chapter and a half. I've been awake much too long. I might return and read more, because I'm interested to see how it unfolds. I'll put this on my shelf for now.

John Booth wrote 1140 days ago

Chapter 2 is great
Hope you had a good holiday despite the rain!

15alex wrote 1142 days ago

Hi Amanda, really enjoyed the first chapter it got me hooked, but the second paragraph i seemed to lose interest quite quickly, but you have to try different genres of writing.

This wouldn't be a book i would pick of a shelf, but still very good storyline and plot, you've obviously thought hard about this story.
Hope everything goes well.
Thanks
Alex
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bluestocking wrote 1142 days ago

I love the ominous, scary quality of this. It's so, so sad, too. I love the voice of it. I haven't read the whole thing, obviously, but on the basis of what I've read so far, I think your book is a really advanced contribution to feminist literature, because it takes on the question of how women can hurt and victimize one another in a very real, visceral way. It's very unflinching. The character of Robin is so abandoned and alone. She really stays with you.

I read your whole excerpt and feel unable to say much more about this unusual work. It just rends the heart with pity, that is all I can say so far. Backed unhesitatingly. All the best--Maria.

John Booth wrote 1143 days ago

Hi Amanda,
This is a good read and I'm going to watchlist it. The start is brilliant and if it was me I would have ended chapter one at 'a time for peace'. In narrative terms each chapter's end should encourage the reader to want to turn to the next chapter, or at least that's what I try to do.

I thought the library section was a little passive, if you could find the way to say the same things in 'conversation mode' that would improve it. I have the same problem though in my writing. It's how to get in all that exposition without sending the reader to sleep.

Great stuff

RachelMay wrote 1143 days ago

I can see from a lot of your comments that a lot of folks have really loved this. And while I see from your first chapter that you are a talented writer, I wasn't as pulled into this story as much as I think you were hoping for. I wonder at the age of your characters and if by chance this would be more suited to a young adult audience. But I am unclear as I have not read more than your first chapter. I will continue to read to find out more. But right now you have a lot of dialogue in the beginning and although it is really well written dialogue, a must for any great writer, I think a little more description in the beginning or some sort of set up would help me get into the story more.

I hope this is of some help and I wish you the absolute best this. If you make revisions, please shoot me an email and I'll read again.

Rachel May

Sandrine wrote 1150 days ago

Hi there. Sorry to take so long to get some actual comments. I love the setting for this (I'm 37 so I was a teenager in the 80s, had the living daylights scared out me by Threads and When the Wind Blows etc) so I was drawn straight in. You do dialogue particularly well, and Robin is a great character we want to follow. I wonder if you could look at some of the longer chunks of unexpurgated prose - in particular the passage beginning "Robin found a quiet corner..." felt like a lot of information - both historical and character. I think if you're going to provide chunks like this it would work better later on, once you've fully drawn us into teh story and got us into Robin's storyline.

It's great to see a book about the 80s, especially one done so well.

very best with it,

Dan

Name failed moderation wrote 1150 days ago

Hi Amanda,
Felt compelled to write and let you know I love this. Have read the first two chapters and think this is simply excellent writing. I think the characterisation and dialogue are convincing and I want to keep reading. You have me gripped. My senior literature classes would be sucked in by this plot and description. I was thinking of language issues and style pointers I could teach all the way through. Just a habit.

Very best of luck with this. I have backed this and hope you meet with the success you deserve.

Rona

RC.Magnus wrote 1151 days ago

Hi Amanda,

By reading this chapter I am amazed with the way the story enfolds and starting at the Heads office is somewhat a great way for the reader to relive their school days. Interesting and yet there is a slow start which will be not what some would like but for me it is good.
I am not sure if the word "don't" should be "do not" and I can see that when some characters say "Don't" that is fine but for when you are narrating it should be "do not". (*eyes left and right* A little tip it counts to the word count.)
Anyway, overall this chapter has flow and writing is slowly brings us in.

Cheers,
RC.
(The Mage King)

CarolinaAl wrote 1151 days ago

Hi Amanda,

I read your first three chapters.

You've written a gripping psychological drama.

Your characterization of Robin shows her to be responsible and tough and likeable. When combined with her very flawed mother, the potential for drama is immense.

Your descriptions are vivid, but uncluttered. For example, 'Their eyes flickered up to the sky and the colour reminded Robin of her knee, when she fell from the school fence.'

YouR dialogue is realistic and entertaining.

Your pacing held my interest throughout my read.

Some suggested edits.

'You didn't.' Matt insisted. Comma after 'didn't.' 'Matt insisted' is a dialogue tag. When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence in the dialogue is generally punctuated with a comma. Same thing with 'Hi.'' Robin said. (comma after 'hi'). There are more cases of this type of problem in your first three chapters.

Robin took the weight off one of her legs, Period after 'legs.'

'I told you sir, I keep getting nosebleeds.' Comma after 'you.' When you address someone by name or title in dialogue, offset it with commas. Same thing with 'So what do you think Mum?' (comma after 'think'). There are more cases of this type of problem in your first three chapters.

Her pupils, unblinking against an ashen face . . . Pupils don't blink.

If it was going to be like Greenham, then there would be other women.. Delete one of the two periods.

These were minor lapses and didn't interfer with my enjoyment of your story.

Good luck with this book which I have backed.

Al

PS: Might I ask you to read and review SAVANNAH PASSION?

Kennesaw wrote 1152 days ago

I like this and it's easy to read. Robin is clearly written and believable. I'm a little concerned about Pam, maybe I missed something, but who is she exactly. I'm interested enough to wonder where this is going, can't wait to find out. Reading books written by people from the UK, is cool. The words used are simular, but different enough that you get an old world feel as you read. It gives the impression of having elements of the writers of the past and lends a gripping edges that deepen the readers interests. Good luck with the rest of this and good job on what you have so far. Kennesaw

RC.Magnus wrote 1154 days ago

Hi Amanda,

I feel very much an affinity with the pitch that holds me on and I want to read more. I will do so in a few days or so and if I am not back please leave a message as time sometimes flies by with other things when one is writing an epic.

I'll be back soon.

Cheers,
RC.
(The Mage King)

Michael Croucher wrote 1154 days ago

Amanda, I like the way you write; uncluttered and precise, nothing to detract from a very compelling story. The dialogue was particularly effective, and you brought the characters to life from time to time with subtle descriptions of their mannerisms. I'd like to come back for more, and I will try. Shelved. Best of luck. Michael

TJ Rands wrote 1154 days ago

the story has a good premise and the friction you create in the opening chapters is quite wonderful. combined with some wonderful little phrases to show rather than tell-this is a stirling effort.

shelved-TJ

maitreyi wrote 1155 days ago

this is good stuff and i'm enjoying it. the writing is easy to read and the dialogue flows. there are a few acute observations which keep the reader gripped and the plot is developing well.

my reservation is probably only mine and that is that the nuclear/greenham/feminist/lesbian issues that re having such an effect on robin's life, seem so of their time. for me the real interest is in the relationship between the characters and the bigger picture and i sense that maybe this tale is going to concentrate quite a lot on the eighties per se.

anyway, benefit of the doubt for now. i will put it on my shelf for a while and encourage you to think hard about where the real import of your novel lies.

good luck.
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

maitreyi wrote 1155 days ago

delapidated i think, (sp), otherwise good pitch. 'a strange atmosphere has been seeping over London' makes me think this is going to be a bit sci fi - do you want us to feel that? The first two sentences do raise several questions actually : Robin boy or girl? Who is Pam? that's fine if you want to keep the reader guessing, less good if you want them to feel at home. just a thought or two. i'll now get on and read the chapter 1.
maitreyi
blogspot

mskea wrote 1155 days ago

Hi Amanda,
First of all the characterisation - you have done agreat job of Robin and especially of the mother - mental health issues I presume - the inconsistencies, the highs and lows, the paranoia - 'she had long given up hope that it would be hat kind of evening.... Like it used to be.' / whole para beginning 'Mum's throat clicked... in the womb.' - excellent. / 'saw Mum's eyes lingering, wide as a child, eager for some sort of praise.' / 'Robin longed to preserve her like this, to seal her off from the other Esther Crowe.' / the way she hides them in the caravan which doesn't belong to her. Great sense here of a woman who isn't thinking / reacting as a normal healthy person would.
The 'voice' of Robin, seems to me to be spot on for a 13yr old in the 80s - Some really effective description - 'She wasn't just Robin with her name spelled differently, she was someone else altogether.' / The questions about herself that wouldn't be answered. - Particularily about her father. / tHe degree to which Robin has taken on some of her mum's paranoia - 'hard to decide who was part of the active government conspiracy' / 'Her fixation on the possibility of a nuclear war, feelings about Greenham Common - well done. / Her desire to know her Gran - 'Robin guessed she would have turned up by now if she was going to come at all.'
General description also effective - 'the grey blur of the playground' / 'angry red patches seeping out towards Europe and America.'
There was very little here that jarred for me - duct tape - should be duck tape - if you mean the broad grey stuff. / 'like the city smog at dusk' - was there smog in London in 80s? / the fact that they have a car - how do they live - on benefits? If so then running a car, especially if her mum doesn't go anywhere, borders on unconvincing. I feel you need an earlier ref to a car - perhaps 'hardly ever used ' / 'hangover from when Mum had a job' or something. / Who Pam is concerned me from the start. At first I thought an older sister. It was a bit distracting to keep thinking about her - so perhaps some details earlier?
But these are minor things and easily sorted.
Overall the tone and quality of the writing is high.
Onto my shelf.
M.

AnnabelleP wrote 1155 days ago

Hi there, you have a great writing style and I was drawn into the story. You show the relationships between people particularly well I think with a good mix of narrative and dialogue, the latter I thought very good. You have an eye for detail which makes the reader fell as if they are there. I did enjoy this and hope that it does well.
Best wishes,
Annabelle
(Would love your thoughts on Adelaide if you can ;-))

Holly Stacey wrote 1157 days ago

Right away I was pulled into this story. Your writing style is lovely and your characters are believable. It feels original too and I kept wanting to read more. This is so good! The opening scene made me squirm. I hope this goes really far!
Holly
(The Faerie Conspiracies)

Joanna Stephen-Ward wrote 1167 days ago

Hello Amanda,

A strong beginning. Taut scene between Robin and the headmaster. Excellent portrayl of Matthew. First I liked him and thought he was being loyal, then I hated him and if I'd been Robin I would have punched him too. Your charactrs are strong and you show us so much about them, not by telling, but by SHOWING. I like the headmaster too and feel for him and his dilema of trying to be fair, but not getting any help from Robin. And the Greenham Common issue is well done too.

Even thought she's silent, Robin's mother is a powerfyl presence in the bed.

There might be faults with this, but I was too interested in the story to notice. This is going on my Shelf.

Good luck,

Joanna

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