Book Jacket

 

rank 5457
word count 13743
date submitted 15.03.2009
date updated 19.06.2009
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Romance, Young A...
classification: moderate
complete

Crying in the Rain

Hannibal Barca

Death isn't an end, it's more of a speed-bump.

 

Victimised, Cassie lives under the shadow of Thaddius. When Harry sticks up for her in a school-yard dispute, he unwittingly causes her eventual death at the hands of Thaddius. Caught between her conflicting loves and hates, Cassie returns to haunt her small town as a vengeful spirit of water.

Please note: I am going to change the title back to 'Crying in the Rain' as soon as possible.

 
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tags

cassie, cassie winters, crying, crying in the rain, fisher's copse, ghost, rain, revenge, river, sadness, waterfall

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The Beginning

    Lobster laughed again, and spat unthinkingly on the ground.

    “I’m not a lesbian!” shouted Cassie.

    “Tell that to the rest of the school,” smirked Lobster.

“You forged that love-letter, and you know it!”

    Lobster leaned in close to whisper in her ear. “I know,” he smiled simply. “But no one else knows, do they? And anyway, I’m sure you really actually want to go out with Ellie, don’t you?”

    Cassie turned on her heel and stalked away, not succeeding in keeping her lower lip steady.

   

    Rush River soared endlessly over the edge of the cliff in front of Cassie and plunged into the gorge, its voice a distant roar of subtle rage. She felt the water flow past her fingers, as she trailed them in the leaping stream. Shimmering like a curtain of tears, the light caught the water, painting a rainbow doorway to another world in the spray. With its bubbling caresses, the water tried to ease the sorrow in her heart. The desperate sunlight glinted on her black-sheened hair as a light drizzle fluttered on her coat. Tears slithered down pale cheeks as the rain eased to a silent spit of water. The clouds dragged across a dismal sky, while the sunset blazed defiant at the injustice of the rain. The setting sun stroked the cliffs with amber fingers. Cassie stood up, and spoke into the chaotic air.

    “Looks like it’s time to go home, now,” she sighed into the high, clear air.

    Don’t go, whispered the river. Please don’t go. Cassie looked back at the river, and sighed unhappily. She stepped away, trudging down to the valley, and the town on the estuary. The distant town lay like a scattered handful of coal dust with black threads bridging the sparkling veins of the delta. Below her, a small coach rumbled up to the bus stop half way down the marshy hill.

   

    The five miles of bus journey passed altogether too fast. Down in the Fisher’s Copse, the market bubbled with the seething, amiable rivalry between the stallholders. Under the discordant song of the market, the traffic rumbled its distant chorus through the twisty streets. Cassie wove her way through the jumbled order of the market, wishing for a friend. Her burden stepped out to meet her in the usual guise of Thaddius ‘Lobster’ Johnson. Lobster grinned, and cracked his long, vicious knuckles. Maybe the reason for his deep-rooted hatred of Cassie stemmed from his deeper, darker, twisted love for her. She was good-looking, with a normal name, and a whole family. Thaddius had none of these things. As a reason for his discomfort, his name isolated him. It would have been better if it had been spelt properly, but he wished, in his bitter heart, to be just like Cassie. But he wasn’t Cassie, and he was prepared to torment her for his own inevitable inadequacies. His nickname was strange, too. It stemmed from both his name – Thaddius being linked to thermidore, a way of cooking lobster – and his looks, with slicked-back hair that stuck up in two points at the front, and his long, thick, claw-like hands. It was with one of these hands that he waved cruelly to Cassie, pretending to be her friend, merely as another aid to the torment. The light of the dying sun lay heavily on the tableau, as Cassie stood, waiting for the inevitable taunts. She didn’t bother waving back, it wasn’t worth it.

    “What’s this, Winters? Not waving back?” he half-laughed. His cronies performed an exemplar example of the typical Crony Snigger. Cassie sighed brokenly, but quietly.

    “I’m sorry, Lobster, how thoughtless of me,” she spoke emptily, quietly, her soul too hollow to feel true emotion. Lobster laughed rudely, and patted her snidely on the cheek.

    “Get off, will you!” she cried weakly. Lobster laughed again, and seeing that Cassie wasn’t going to be any fun, turned on his heel and left. As one, Lobster’s zombie-like minions turned and shambled away, sending looks over their shoulders and sniggering. The sun sank below the waves, momentarily silhouetting the sailing boats in the bay. The boats flapped their black wings ineffectually, and drifted across the water. The street-lamps winked on, and the light clouds thickened slightly. Out of sympathy, the sky cried warm tears of sadness for Cassie.

   

    Below the bubbling calm in the plunge pool - where the beautiful weeds whisper their love to the tiny animals and the skeletons of forgotten heroes - the moonlight shimmered on a watery grave, and the only sound was the shout of the water as it threw itself over the edge.

   

    Cassie stood dejected outside the school gates. At the far end of the playing field, kept in check by a high fence, the river slithered optimistically close to the school, as if looking for friends. The fence was in a state of sullen disrepair; parts of it were completely missing. Cassie wandered in through the gates, looking around for Lobster, and anyone else who might wish to torment her. She glanced at her timetable. Ah, good, history first thing. Cassie flicked her hair away from her face, and glanced around again. History would be good, as always. Mr Shaw knew how to bring history to life. In his hands, the work would be riveting, unfortunately, anyone who dared hint otherwise would find themselves falling fast. Mr Shaw was something of a local historian. Cassie trudged lightly down to the riverbank, alone. The water laughed and bubbled, without a care in the world.

    “’Ullo,” growled Lobster. Cassie slouched defeatedly. “How about a kiss, then?”

    “No way!” Cassie’s mouth sparked off before she could engage her brain.

    “That’s impolite, that is,” Lobster smirked, gloating at his new excuse for violence. “Now, kneel and apologise.”

    “No!”

    “Kneel,” repeated Lobster patiently.

    “No!”

    In answer, Lobster placed one hand on Cassie’s head, and forced her down. The mud grasped gently at her defeated knees.

    “You bastard!” burst out a new voice. ”That’s barbaric!”

    “Oh?” grinned Lobster. “You want some too?”

    The newcomer swung his left fist, dragging it through the protesting air. Lobster’s eyes tracked it hungrily. One hand snaked out to grasp the wrist. Lashing out, the nameless boy’s foot smashed into Lobster’s knee with a quiet crunch. The right fist shot forwards, and collided with his nose. After that, it was like a dam bursting. The newcomer rained blow after blow into Lobster’s stomach. Lobster was a full head taller than him. Fists, knees, elbows and head. Anything that could be used as a weapon was being brought to bear against Lobster.  Lobster’s ineffectual attempts at staying the damage soon stopped. There was nothing to do but cover his head, and pray for this new fury to end. The newcomer stopped suddenly, and stood, panting.

    “Get lost,” he spat. Lobster ran. Cassie stared, open-mouthed.

    “Who are you?” she whispered. The boy winked, and turned away. Cassie shook her head as she performed likewise. When she looked back, the reeds by the empty riverbank laughed silently at her surprise.

   

    Early morning crept in, and sprinkled his dew on the front lawns. On the moors, a group of hikers struck camp, and headed towards Fisher’s Copse. The strong wind whipped the trees, and slashed wildly at the sea, driving an ocean of angry iron to beat its head repeatedly against the seawall. The rain spat into the wind, sending rare, randomised droplets whizzing through the air; small, wet sniper bullets seeking out eyes, ears, and noses. The wind was driving hard enough to rip the cover off of the coal-bunker, and send it capering gleefully across the garden, before pinning it to the shed. Against the fury of the wind, Cassie made it to school. She struggled her way down to the riverbank, against the gale, looking for the boy.

    “Hello, Cassie,” grated a familiar voice. “So,” laughed Lobster, “where’s lover-boy?”

    Cassie sighed, and turned to face him. “I don’t know,” she said flatly.

    “Right here,” called out a voice behind Cassie. “And my name’s not ‘lover-boy’. It’s Harry Lee.”

Lobster spat, blushing in anger and unaccepted embarrassment. Slipping a stone out of his pocket, he flung it carefully at Harry, who caught it out of the air.

    “Strike one,” he grinned. The stone hummed through the air, and pummelled, against the wind, into Lobster’s shoulder. Lobster flinched, and backed away. Producing a small knife, he opened out the blade. Not noticing this development, Harry rushed towards him. A quicksilver snake flickered up, and sunk its fang into Harry’s stomach. Unheeding, the fist lashed out, smacking into Lobster’s jaw. Lobster staggered backwards, staring at Harry, who stood, chest heaving.

    “What? Are you too scared to come back for another try,” growled Harry. Lobster pointed at the incongruous red handle sticking out of Harry’s bloodless uniform. He looked down, and laughed mirthlessly. Lobster turned and ran. Hurrying over, Cassie grabbed the handle, and pulled it free. There was no mark to suggest that there had ever been a wound. He put his arms around her, and they stood, hair whipping in the wind, in a cold embrace.

    “Didn’t he stab you?” Cassie’s nerves prickled as Harry smiled thinly.

    “It, uh, it must have caught in my shirt,” his eyes darted for a second. “Yeah, that’s probably it.”

    “Thank you, Harry,” she whispered. They broke apart, and Cassie started to climb the field to the school building. Looking back, and the deserted river waved its goodbye with fans of rippling, silver water, like a living skin, covered in scales.

   

    A blazing sun rose from the warm sea, illuminating the harbour in an inferno of shifting fire, sprinkled with fishing boats setting to sea. Ferries glittered on the horizon, a pair of discarded diamonds. The moor wind swept across the distant tents; where the hikers were getting up, ready to face the unforgiving day. The canvas hugged the tent poles, and the light shimmered off of the concealed pegs. Cassie stood atop the cliffs at the north end of the valley, where the waterfall arced down into the gorge, the river’s throat. The morning stars winked out, to be replaced by twinkling cars.

    “Hello,” greeted Harry. Cassie turned around, and saw him sitting on the marshy ground.

    “Where shall we go?” she asked, her words breaking the surface of the silence like silver fish.

   

    The source of the river bubbled and joked, scampering over the marshy, boggy ground, seeking solace in small, hidden backwaters.

    “Funny, isn’t it,” remarked Harry. “It’s like a journey. It starts here, where the water laughs and giggles, neither knowing nor caring what lies in store for it. It dances, playing among the reeds. Come,” he motioned to Cassie.

   

    They ran along the riverbank, Harry in front, leading her by the hand. The sun was high in the morning sky. Rush River slithered meditatively along its bed like a lazy teenager.

    “You see,” he cried, his spirit aflame. “It’s grown thoughtful here. The water flows steadily, thoughtfully. It drags along, keeping its thoughts to itself.”

 

    They stood, staring down into the open throat of the gorge, watching as the water hurled itself over the precipice. The sun was high overhead, climbing a mountain of its own.

    “And here,” shouted Harry over the roar of the waterfall. “It shouts in excitement, savouring the thrill of a one-way trip to the beyond. It knows what’s coming in the end, but it doesn’t care. It flows anyway, defying the inevitable.”

    “How can you tell?” asked Cassie.

    “You can see the sea from up here, so can the river. It watches the horizon itself.”

   

    The river chuckled over the stones, babbling over the rocks, flowing ever onwards. The sun was lancing down on them from its lofty descent.

    “Here, the river laughs and talks about the waterfall, and its future in the sea. And there,” he stared longingly into the distance, seeking the horizon and the river delta. “There, the river leaves the land. It dies. It’s no longer a river. But in some form, it’ll come back. In some way, it’s free,” his gaze grasped desperately at the elusive delta, and its small fishing town. He turned around, to see Cassie staring intently at him, hanging on his every word. Her unshod feet caressed the affectionate water, and her bare arm was draped around a large rock.

    “Why are you hugging Young Dragon, Cassie?” he frowned.

    “Young Dragon?” gasped Cassie, jerking away from the rock. Her necklace swung gently around her pale neck.

    “Yeah. All the rocks have names. That one, Young Dragon, is so named for two reasons. Firstly, he looks like a dragon sitting on his haunches, tail curled around, nose in the air, snout partly open. Underneath there is a natural gas deposit. The rocks are rife with it around here. The gas sometimes issues from his snout, and can catch fire, making him look like a dragon.”

    Cassie stared at Young Dragon, who sat still, appearing cute and thoughtful.

    “Do you want to meet Old Man Brock, the Razorbacks, and Old Stoneface?” asked Harry.

    “Yeah, OK,” smiled Cassie, standing up. Harry led the way over to the wall of the gorge.

    “This is Old Stoneface,” laughed Harry, “he’s completely natural, nothing carved. After all, Young Dragon was partly natural, but some of the finer features were carved, though not many. Old Stoneface looks clearer-cut, but he’s definitely natural.”

    Old Stoneface frowned out of the cliff, staring at the world with his lip curled, and one eye half-closed. He appeared about to snarl, or shout, or threaten to call the police.

    “See Old Man Brock, he’s not natural,” chuckled Harry, ushering Cassie over to another rock. This one was carved in the shape of a badger. He was rearing up on his hind legs, with his mouth closed, and a mild frown covering his face. One front paw was held higher than the other.

    “Welcome to my world,” he whispered gently, followed by a secret kiss on the lips, as gentle as a ray of blazing sunlight.

 

Chapters

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yasmin esack wrote 649 days ago

Exciting and charged. I enjoyed reading this and I know it will appeal to many. Fascinatings tones and tear jerking emotions.

Good blend

backed

missyfleming_22 wrote 651 days ago

I think you've got a very strong writing style as well as a strong character in Cassie. I think a lot of readers are going to be able to relate to her. I read a couple chapters and I like the direction this is going too, the supernatural edge to this really makes it special. Wonderful job, don't know how I missed this book after so long!

Missy

lizjrnm wrote 671 days ago

You have a gift for writing vivid and beautiful prose - well crafted so far and polished! Backed with pleasure!

Liz
The Cheech Room

CG Fewston wrote 676 days ago

My cousin, Clint, had cystic fibrosis and was a Christian - one of the greatest men I have ever known... and my sister's name is Cassie (sounds like KC). That's the truth. I support you... and no one knows how hard it must be for you to write a book. In the words of Churchill: "Never give in! Never give in!" By the way, enjoyed your writing... keep up the nice writing... it will pay off one day. Have faith.
CG

Francis Albert McGrath wrote 876 days ago

A nice storyline, full of possibilities. Well written, intriguing.
Frank

John Harold McCoy wrote 879 days ago

Cool book, Hannibal, and darn well done. Excellent pitch although a little short. That's sure to get readers. Got through 3 of the chapters you have posted, far enough to see the writing is very good and the plot is intriguing enough to hold the readers attention. Worth backing for sure. On my shelf and the best of luck with it.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

T.L Tyson wrote 901 days ago

There is some rich narrative here. You can certainly paint an amazing picture with your words, like the sky breaking and shedding tears for Cassie.
I really love your short pitch.
You do an excellent job at evoking sympathy in the reader, this is not an easy thing to do but you do it flawlessly.
I thought there was some areas to clear up. There are a lot of different tags after speech, you could keep them neat and simple with said instead. This is a very minor nit.
The idea intrigued me. Which is why I came over, I am glad I did.
Backed.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

chrisalys wrote 919 days ago

I think this is intelligent YA, lovely descriptive passages, flowing words which create a river of images for the reader to enjoy and your characterisation is strong. Lobster is a good name and a definite bully character which is so well constructed with his dialogue and behaviour.
I couldn't really find anything to pick at because I like YA books and I think this is a good example of how to write it.
Well done, backed with pleasure
Chris (inside out)

NelizaDrew wrote 925 days ago

I like the idea; it's an intriguing one. I got a bit lost, though, in the execution. Something about the switching POVs and occasionally heavy-handed metaphors for the river, the tension of the bullying (and the mystery of Harry) became muddled.

I'm not so good at offering exacting critiques -- and without knowing exactly where you're going and how you plan to get there, it's rather hard to do so anyway. I do feel you have a very interesting read here, and that some of the first chapter just might need a bit of tightening up.

But then again, what do I know?

Good luck.

Neliza Drew

Pat Black wrote 927 days ago

Hi there, a harrowing, but ultimately uplifting anti-bullying first chapter; we're not so much cheering for Harry as sighing with relief when he appears. Lobster was a treasure! The violence and the nastiness was all too believeable. I would consider setting the scene a little more with regards to Lobster and his cronies, but apart from that it's great stuff.

Pat Black
Snarl

paxie wrote 935 days ago

Hannibal

I went to the WInchester Writers Conference...A literary agent gave a speech on 'How Not to Present a Manuscript' Top of the list was to open with dialogue....

It's like walking into a room, the televsion is on, the conversation is riverting, but the picture goes out......
It made me change mine......Why not ? It it's what the Great & The Good say.....

I thought that here.....we have Lobster & Cassie, but where are they, is there anyone else with them, what are they doing there ? Only you the author can see the opening scene....

That said, you write very well.....It's not my genre, but I can see that you can certainly hold your own among the YA market...

Shelved with pleasure...
(let me know what you think about what I said)..

Kim Jewell wrote 935 days ago

Hi Hannibal!
Yet another reason why the YA novels here are my favorite to read! Your writing style is fluid and conversational - perfect for this genre, and your characters and premise are nicely developed. I do think some of your paragraphs throughout the story were kind of long, but I think your short, choppy chapters work for the genre. This should do very well for you. Good stuff - on my shelf!

Kim
Invisible Justice

andyroo wrote 940 days ago

Very much enjoyed this, loving the interaction between the characters, very nicely realised. My one foible is the repeated over use of clumsy adverbs, like, 'spat unthinkingly' and 'slouched defeatedly.' There are so much better ways to write these bits! Don't let them detract from an otherwise great read. Both sentences work fine and read much more freely with out the -edly words in them. Not saying remove every last one, there is a time and a place, but as with all editing, have a look and see if sentences could make do without these words ad still make sense.

Best of luck!


Andrew

Jo Ellis wrote 940 days ago

Oh my I loved this...

I wasn't sure from your pitch but I was wrong this is fab!

This will be living on my list to be indulged in further. Nothing more to add...

Backed

Jo xx

Spoilt

Freddie Omm wrote 940 days ago

pitch is a bit spare – could be fleshed out perhaps?? also you refer to thaddius but the character who bullies and ultimately kills cassie is lobster..??

some lovely imagery – “clouds dragged across a dismal sky” – here and there i felt you could tighten up in a few places where the prose risks becoming florid .

the scene where lobster pushes cassie to her death through the “rainbow doorway” is vivid and chilling – and yet beautiful too as she joins harry in death/ghostly existence... and very romantic when he explains how lovely she is in death, how free .

this is an interesting and unusual story and you tell it with confident aplomb... i’m happy to give it a spin on my shelf and wish you well with it .

freddie
("honour")

C.P. wrote 941 days ago

There are wonderful bits of description and story here. Colorful and full. I think there are a few places that could be tightened up. Such as- ‘ Cassie sighed brokenly, but quietly.' Maybe ‘Cassie sighed. She was broken but quiet.' I'm not sure that is the best change but you should try to stay away from anything that ends in ly. I know sometime it can't be helped but avoid it whenever possible. Good luck and on my shelf. C.P

Bob Steele wrote 968 days ago

Crying in the Rain has more of the attributes of a fantasy than a conventional thriller, and is set in a 'dream' world of magic rivers, dragons disguised as rocks and mystic heroes standing up for Cassie against the local bully. Cassie's death at Lobster's hands pitches her permanently into Harry's magic world, from which she can wreak her dreadful revenge on those who wronged her. This should appeal to lovers of fantasy, and is written in a style that should suit the YA target audience, so I'm backing it.
For my taste I'd prefer to see some editing to tone down the flowery phrases [[things 'shimmering like curtains of tears' and the like] and cut down an overload of adjectives and adverbs - but this may just reflect my unfamiliarity with the genre. Good luck

Steve Ward wrote 995 days ago

Hannibal, I read this before, but my comment must have been eaten by Young Dragon. This is fabulous writing. The narrative is so good, so descriptive, it's almost literary and the dialogue paints a silly teenager story in contrast. Harry is an odd name for the mystery boy who comes to the rescue like a guardian angel and lights up Cassie's life. You have a wonderful tale here and I wish you the best of luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

msm0202 wrote 1009 days ago

Hannibal,
This is a fascinating, unique story. It is well written, with a bent toward the beauty of nature, and the struggle of good and evil. Even as Cassie falls to her death, it seems the water is protecting her spirit. (It seems odd for me to even write a sentence like that, but in the case of this book, it's quite accurate.) I have only had time to read the first two chapters, but more than enough to back this book. I'll come back and finish it soon.
Shelved.
Mark

mn73 wrote 1010 days ago

This is well written, with a good grasp of the language and feelings of young adults and will appeal to that market. The plot sounds fascinating from the pitch and the early chapters show a lot of promise. Shelved, and best of luck with it.

JD Revene wrote 1019 days ago

Hannibal,

I'm reading this because you read and commented on the lovely Dania's The It! Refugees in the last week of July.

I like your short pitch: It's exactly the sort of line that makes me want to read more. Your long pitch is economical but covers off key points. You might want to remove the last paragraph, though, now that you have changed the title! Love your cover.

Into the work proper. Good opening, again grabbing my attention and making me want to read more. A couple of minor nit-picks or observations:

--in the first line I'd omit again as Lobster has yet to laugh in the story;
--I'd also consider omitting 'unthinkingly' this is a clumsy word that really isn't adding anything here; and
--you need to look carefully at your dialogue tags.

Expanding on that last point a dialogue tag is a speach verb and identification of the speaker and follows or preceeds dialogue, separated from it by a comma. Normally the pronoun, or identifier, comes before the verb. So where you have, shouted Cassie, Cassie shouted would be more normal (try substituting she for Cassie and you'll see why).

A beat is slightly different, also used to identify a speaker, but the verb is a non-speach related one, these too can come before, after or even in between fragments of speach. However, beats are set off with full-stops (or periods) rather than commas. An example, you have:

"Tell that to the rest of the school," smirked Lobster.

Smirking is a non-speaking verb so this is a beat and thus should be punctuated:

"Tell that to the rest of the school." Lobster smirked.

These are minor points easily fixed in an MS (I had to fix all mine shortly after posting here when someone helpfully explained the rules to me).

In the paragraph regarding the Rush River, you use the word 'water' a lot (four times in ten lines) I'd recommend looking at ways to reduce the number of times you use the same word.

You have a long paragraph that starts off about the bus journey and ends up about Lobster, I'd split this in two.

Some of the short scene have slightly 'jerky' transitions but then you get into the long closing scene with Harry and Cassie and it is magical--in every way.

Then in chapter two Cassie dies and the story takes a turn with Harry being revealed as a ghost.

The only observation I have with this chapter is that there's a lot of narrative making for a series of long paragraphs that could perhaps be broken up a little with more dialogue between the two of them.

There's some beautiful description in your writing and a simple rythmn, that I can see being appealing to young readers. Your story unfolds naturally and is well told.

I'm giving this a spin on my shelf.

Dania wrote 1028 days ago

A ghost story with a twist. I really like that. Your style also helps it to shine. Strong and memorable characters, especially Cassie and Lobster but also the river.

Great passages to introduce the ghost after his kills her, especially in chapter 4. The para starting with “Through her lovely rocks” is very well written as well.

Shelved and good luck.

I took the following notes on the style as I read, but I am not sure they’re still relevant because I later realized that the style you employ is such a strong part of the narrative.

Could it be “walked away, unable to keep her lower lip steady”?
“Sighed unhappily” you don’t need “unhappily”

Wish you the best of luck with it
Dania (The It! Refugee)

Maria Luisa Lang wrote 1035 days ago

Dear Hannibal, Death as a portal not just to an afterlife but a better life, a real life: that’s an amazing idea. You also have an exciting narrative and rich characterization: I like how you make the natural world into characters as well—your descriptions of Rush River remind me of the River Liffey journeying to the sea at the end of Finnegans Wake.

No matter what your focus, the writing is vivid, fast-paced, eloquent—indeed, quite reminiscent of a rushing river in bright sunlight. Your sentences would be a pleasure to read even if they weren’t telling such a wonderful story.

On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

Lisel wrote 1038 days ago

Opening scene instantly grabbed my attention. This is very cleverly-done - your writing moves along at a good pace, but you get in quite a lot of descriptive information too without breaking the flow. You've got some well-drawn characters and I'm enjoying their playful, realistic relationship. I see you've had some earlier comments about technical writing issues - have you done some editing since then (no major problems jumped out at me)? Anyway, this deserves to be backed - good luck.

Lisel
Isis In Crisis

Ariom Dahl wrote 1070 days ago

hello Hannibal,
This was interesting and creepy. The ending was satisfactory.
Good luck with it

InternetG33k wrote 1070 days ago

Hi Hannibal,

I'm here for my 15 minute read. First off, I have one nitpicky little comment from the beginning -

~ "She sighed into the high, clear air." Three sentences later - "Cassie looked back at the river, and sighed unhappily." Either change on of the sighs to something else, ("She whispered mournfully into the high, clear air." or maybe show you intended the repeated word with, "... and sighed unhappily again."

Also, while you have a beautiful, lyrical way of writing, for me personally it got in the way of the story. In my humble and completely non-professional opinion, I think it would make it a hard sell as a YA book - I don't think the younger set would have the patience to read through all the descriptions. Maybe pare it down a bit to make the story move at a better pace? Just a thought.

Best of luck with this!

~Traci

Isabelle Adams wrote 1070 days ago

This is good with some fabulous description, though I did feel that the ending was a little bit sudden.

acbrocks wrote 1070 days ago

Hi, this is a really good start but I think you need to get rid of the a few examples of personification and link the scene descriptions together with the dialogue more closely. However I did get a good sense of the surroundings and how Cassie was feeling throughout it and the mystery of Harry is great.
Backed,
Alison - Spellcaster

kgadette wrote 1071 days ago

Dear Hannibal,
Wonderful opening. The name Lobster, and the accusation immediately catches our attention.
I love that you take the time to describe the people as you introduce them. This is a particular bugaboo of mine, and hooray, you handle it beautifully. Marvelous descriptions, so creative!
Shocking when she dies. Love the underwater world, beautifully described.
Dialogue blends with the narrative, and that story! Wow. As others have said before me, once you tighten up the piece, you've got quite a treasure. Shelved.

John Booth wrote 1072 days ago

Hi Hannibal,
I love this story. The animorphism at the beginning is wonderful, loved the river and the weather.
Actually, I have no meaningful criticism at all. Perhaps a few awkward dialogue tags, but nothing that really interrupted the flow.

Break this up into chapters on authonomy, but be careful to add the later chapters BEFORE you modify the big chapter one. Otherwise you will lose all your points. (if you even for a second drop below 10k words)

Marvellous - Shelved.
John

JohnnySix wrote 1074 days ago

A few observations --

Great descriptiveness, great scene-setting. A question, though -- why shove four chapters into a one-chapter space? Breaking things up a little might make it a little easier on the eyes.

Also, there are some strange line-breaks going on. I'm sure it's just a problem with the conversion during the upload, but as you shift scenes often, it's a little easy to get lost -- maybe an asterisk or two to let us know where *you* mean to break the scene, not where the formatting errors did it for you?

I do like the rapid-fire, episodic nature of the story. I think you've got something very unique and special here (not your average ghost story by a long shot, sir), and I look forward to reading more.

Margaret Anthony wrote 1075 days ago

I don't offer critique simply because I don't feel competent to. And I see others have said what at times, I feel too. So my comments are based on reading this. I think this is clever in premise with a compelling pitch. Add to that some excellent imagery, good pace and interesting characters and I'm sure this will appeal to YA readers. I hope it does well. On my shelf for potential. Margaret.
Candles in the Garden &
The Spirit of the Butterfly.

maitreyi wrote 1075 days ago

i'm going to jot down notes as i go. do ignore them if they are not helpful.

excellent dialogue. nice scene setting. some memorable lines - cassie and the river talking.

too many adjectives.

too long chapter. why not make your authonomy chapters the same as your printed chapters?

also at the very beginning you have several titles and headings. confusing.

para where Lobster's conflicting feelings for cassie is really interesting but it is written in a 'telling' rather than 'showing' way. can you restructure this so that is comes out in a conversation, dream, essay - anything really rather than this way of writing. too much of this makes your story leaden and this is a great story.

hannibal i am going to put this on my shelf but i do feel there is work to be done - mainly reducing the adjectives per noun and restructuring some of the narrative so that it tells itself.

good luck
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

maitreyi wrote 1075 days ago

I think that's the best short pitch i've ever read.

Heidi Mannan wrote 1078 days ago

Hi,

I'm just beginning this and will have to continue when I have a bit more time. I love the imagination of it, even though its a bit over the top at times. I'm into that sort of thing. You write well in places and in others I feel it could be tightened to make it flow better. Great premise! I'll be popping in and out of your pages.

Best of luck!

KostasAu wrote 1085 days ago

Hi
You need to tidy it up a little: Too many adjectives, too many adverbs, a little too overwritten. The story sounds good.

Kostas

Hariklia's Icons

Ayrich wrote 1088 days ago

3000 years is a long time when you still have the perspectiveof a mortal. THis is a great premise I know my daughter will love this.

DMC wrote 1105 days ago

Hannibal

You are obviously a very intelligent and talented writer. You have a real knack for description. In parts this is like poetry and you get me right in the heart. Beautiful. You’re a writer who paints with words!
And you pull me in to care for your characters, and the story premise is intriguing. You should definitely work on this because it has all the signs of a great book.

And here comes the but –
Can I say that this feels a little overwritten in parts? Sorry. I know you are trying to get a passion over, but a top tip I’ve weaned from others on this site is to cut stuff down. Quality not quantity. I think the best advice I’ve heard from anybody on this site is already in the comments of Pierre Van Rooyan below. I wish somebody would do this for me!

Good luck
David (Green Ore)

Rian wrote 1110 days ago

This is an excellent story, and well written.

I read 1-4 and have no nits to give yet.

The POV switches are a bit jarring at first, but I got used to them.

Shelving,

Rian

Djedra wrote 1110 days ago

Your pacing is excellent and there is a lovely mixture of dialogue, action and description, which works really well. The landscape is vividly communicated and I was really drawn in to the story. I noticed, near the beginning, that a paragraph written from Cassie's pov describes why Lobster hates her and I just wondered whether she would be that aware of his motivations or whether they were something that you, as the author needed to communicate to the reader. We learn about his hatred of his unusual name and his jealousy in wanting to be like Cassie. If Cassie was that aware of his problems, would she be quite so upset about the way he treats her. Some of that could be given from Lobster's pov instead, or even from the pov of a parent who might be in a more objective position.
I thought the characters were very well-developed though. It is clear that you know them inside out, and they come to life in the world you have created. There's loads of potential in this, and it is a really unique story premise too.

Alaric wrote 1116 days ago

Yes this works; good hard hitting dialogue, a story that truly moves and skilfully drawn, authentic, characters.

Watch out for occasional slips – contradiction in the forth line of dialogue (“I did,” [do?] he smiled simply. “But no one else does”), and over use of adjectives/adverbs. Nothing a brisk edit cannot iron out, and the story is certainly worth the effort.

One to back.

JANVIER wrote 1119 days ago

Hello Hannibal,

I applaud your power of description. You did a wonderful job describing the river in its course to the point where it empties itself into the sea. Your character development especially on Cassie, Lobster, Harry, is very credible and your writing has a poetic flow in it.

The pace is fast, the plot pulls the imagination in and the setting is good. This is overall a story to recommend

All the best.
Janvier (FLASH OF THE SUN )

Jeff Blackmer wrote 1123 days ago

Hannibal,
You have a very interesting story going on here with a lot of good visual imagery. In some ways it still feels a bit rough.
First of all, I would recommend that you first load chapter 2 as an additional chapter and also 3 and 4 as additional chapters. THEN, go back and remove 2 through 4 from your original first chapter. You have to do it in this order though to avoid losing your shelves.
Second, some things I noticed that I wanted to bring to your attention.
Lobster laughed again, and spat unthinkingly on THE ground. You had he instead of the.

“I did,” he smiled simply. “But no one else KNOWS, do they? You had does instead of knows.

Rush River soared endlessly over the edge of the cliff and plunged into the gorge, its voice a distant roar of subtle rage. Cassie felt the water flow past her fingers as she trailed them in the torrential stream.
I am really confused here about where Cassie is standing. Is it near a waterfall? Is it next to the stream before it goes over the cliff? I can't tell for sure.

The ever-present discourteousness of her world manifested it self again, this time as Thaddius “Lobster’ Johnson. This sentence reads as if the first time she was harassed it was from someone else, but both times it was Lobster.

You have a wonderful premise for a book here, I think it just needs a little polishing and then I think you will get a lot more reads. Good luck with this.
Jeff

Richardakray wrote 1123 days ago

Hmmm... I don't know if it counts as a zombie, but it's still really good and ghosts are good enough. (Actually, the novel I'm currently writing handles a ghost instead of a zombie.) I wonder why you aren't higher up, this is good stuff!

AnnabelleP wrote 1129 days ago

Hi there,
I saw this pop up on my news feed and am glad I stopped by. This is a good story, you write well. I was drawn in by your descriptions, they are very vivid and your characters are well fleshed out. I think this will appeal to your target audience, it has that edginess to it that a good thriller should have. I liked it, listen to those on here who know about the writery stuff and it will be even better - I recommend TomW. This is going on my shelf!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Rayo Azul wrote 1129 days ago

Okay, just finished your post. At first I didn't think I would get very far. In the first few sentences I was taking notes on typos and some inconsistencies. First sentence the not he, "I know" not "I did", stalked not staked, etc. Then I got into the story and couldn't stop. You have some excellent descriptions and very well-drawn out characters. There is a good touch of the macabre and enough mystery to keep the reader guessing. Cassie becoming vengeful and how she terrorizes lobster is excellent. The bath scene, in fact even up to the almost final sceneat the dance. Then a reconciliation through her desire to help Harry.

Got to say that this is a very well-written and engrossing tale. I do think that for presentation purposes you need to sort out the first few sentences and maybe post this in chapter segments as many here complain about long chapters. Me, I don't care and especially when the MS has drawn me in as yours has done. Excellent. Shelved.

Elaina wrote 1131 days ago

Hi Hannibal

Really good tale, gripping all the way through. I do think you could cut some unnecessary words, but after a while I was reading for the story, not with an eye on nitpicks! Well done. Shelved.

Elaina
Gathering of Rain

Janet Marie wrote 1131 days ago

Hi Hannibal.

Contemporary mythology. I love it. Your descriptions are mystical and zealous. Great choice to have Cassie in touch with the elements in the beginning of chapter 1 as a build up to her becoming one with the elements. Harry is a strong hero, mysterious and superior. He does well with an all-knowing awareness. Your villian, Lobster is devine. Fabulous touch when he asks, What have I done? That scene feels intense like bible verses. Sensational death for Cassie. The splash with glass like water droplets. Oh. It made my heart jump. Her transition to her new world is inspiring. Beginning with chapter 3, it gets plain scary. By chpater 4 you have outstanding subplots and it is great joy to observe Lobster's torment.

On my shelf. Good luck.

Janet Marie - Spirit Prisoners.

Vigorio wrote 1132 days ago

What an interesting concept. I found a lot of the writing to be incredibly descriptive; but some of it seemed overly so. I would suggest looking at your adverbs and cutting them at least in half. I was told this over and over on this site and when I took their advice my story bloomed and tightened dramatically. I also found a few of the descriptions unusual, like 'lonesome sky' and 'desperate sunlight'. I'm not sure something inanimate can be described emotionally?? I loved your other worldly description of the waterfall.

These are just comments and suggestions from another reader, so take them with a grain. I haven't been published and am not an editor - just know what I like. Good luck. Shelved.
Rebecca

Dr Damien wrote 1134 days ago

I have not been fortunate enough to finish this as my PSP couldn't take the awesomeness that is Hannibal Barca.

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