The Mill at Carreg Bran

Hi Liz,
How are things? Have finally uploaded my story 'The Woman In Yellow' and would be hugely grateful if you'd have a read of it and provide some much wanted feedback/comments/advice etc.
Hope all is well with you
Tree

A pleasure to back The Mill at Carreg Bran.

Charlene Wilson
Aumelan - Blessed of the Gods
Echoes
World Beneath the Rock

I am so glad I came upon this little gem while browsing. What a delight. I have backed it with so much pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Hi Elizabeth, I first looked at this a while ago, I think. It felt very familiar. Anyway, I took another look and really liked it. Children will love it as it's full of suspense and easily related to characters, who must surely gather the reader's sympathy. The setting is brilliant, of course.
Backed with pleasure (possibly twice),
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

I have just finished reading your book. I enjoyed it very much. I found it interesting and engaging, the characters were likable and I cared what happened to them. It is the first book I have found on here that has kept me reading beyond the first chapter.

Just a few comments:
1. The children don't seem to be too upset about what has happened to their parents. Although there is the occasional moment of grief, generally they seem fine and not too concerned that they don't see their mum for months. I would add more depth to their feelings - perhaps a conversation between Meg and Tommy about how much she misses her parents?
2. Hywel's story seemed to get wrapped up a little quickly. I would change the order and have the fire happen before he is reunited with his father making that the climax of the tale and drawing more on the parallels between that and Meg being reuinited with her mother. The fire part of the story seemed a little detached from the rest. Perhaps there could be some hint of it earlier - Geraint making a criptic comment or someone noticing strangers hanging around. And, in order to tie the fire story to the rest, could the Hywel not be somehow involved, perhaps by alerting Meg to the fact that there is still someone in the mill?
3. There are too many exclamation marks.
4. The last line confused me - is that supposed to be Meg's mum speaking through Ellen?
5. One of the other comments expresses confusion about this being labelled as 'children's' saying that it is over a child's reading level. I disagree. The writing flows well and I can't imagine children having any trouble following it. I used to run the children's section of a bookshop and I would place this in the 9-12 section.

I hope you find these comments helpful and I wish you luck.
Susan

Very effective pitches work well and the prologue adds a further dash of intrigue. When we reach chapter 3, we've had sightings of the mysterious young boy and the portents for disaster are well established. And so it proves. The main character, Meg, is a delightful character and well suited to lead a story with 'spooky' elements without the younger readers becoming unduly alarmed.
This book is very well suited to a young audience. It piles mystery on top of mystery, the setting in rural Wales is well chosen and your vocabulary is ideally pitched for the age-group. I wish you well with this, I'm happy to back it.
Jared.
Mummy's Boy.

The pitch for The Mill at Carreg Bren is extremely good - but I think it would have caught my eye anyway because I am part Welsh, live in an old mill [water, not wind] and my grandchildren are bi-lingual thanks to their French mother. So how could I possibly not like this story? Your style and idiom seems just right for children, making an easy-paced read with spooky hints and adventures to keep their attention. Overall I enjoyed your writing and you have a storyline that is distinctive enough to stand out in the genre, so I'll back you to do well with this. My only caveat is that it's probably pitched at the 10+ end of the age range, which may limit the commercial potential a little. Good luck.

THE MILL AT CARREG BRAN

We begin in a graveyard. Meg and Ellen. Mr Roberts. The grandson who wasn’t there…spooky.

Then we are with Meg and brother Billy back in time. Mrs Shaw with the omnous untold fortune that she sees. And the mysterious boy…the same one?

And Meg’s dad? There’s a lot going on here, despite the leisurely pace.

You write well and there is a lot of skill gone into this. I’m an admirer.

Nick
“Mirror In The Sky”

This is an excellent story with a plot which is unusual and interesting. We first meet Meg as an adult, and then go back to her childhood. As a child, she is a character most children will be able to relate to, and the warning dreams, the sighting of the boy, and Mrs Shaw's refusal to continue her reading in the tealeaves, are all strong indications that something bad is about to happen. You move your story along at a fast pace, and your writing style is clear and straightforward, well suited to your genre. The first chapter, with its delicate suggestions that Ellen can see a child no-one else sees, is a subtle forerunner of Meg's similar sightings of the boy later in the book. I have only one suggestion, which is that although I, an adult reader, loved your first chapter, as a rule children want books which begin by focussing on children. Adults can certainly come into the story later. Might you move this chapter to later in the book? Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Backed with pleasure, Sana

Elizabeth
Your story is delightful and easy to read and I'm sure it will captivate the youngsters who read it. The dialogue is very natural : as I read I could hear the Welsh accents! I've no criticisms and have backed it.
If you have time, perhaps you would be kind enough to look at my book.
Regards
William Roberts (The Caves of Caerdraig)

I really enjoyed the three chapters I read but are you sure this is is for children? That is your tag and I was confused by it. This is written way over kids reading level. Unless you are referring to YA, which had a more feel for it. That needs to be addressed.
I think you do a wonderful job with the characters and the narrative is engaging. The premise is what drew me to your book and I am thrilled I found this, asides from the tags, which confused me, i did like the story.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Hi again,

Just finished reading it and thoroughly enjoyed it.
A few suggestions: I think Ellen's character needs to feature more at the end because it might confuse readers as to who she is... even though I read it in one go (more or less) by the end of the book you forget exactly who she is and how she's related to everyone. It might make sense to link her back into the story periodically somehow - maybe snippets of Ellen's life before returning to the main narrative.
Also, although the ending is a happy one, I don't think it does the build-up justice, it left me feeling unsated! It feels a bit as though the ending is rushed and isn't in as much detail as the preceeding chapters and doesn't seem as if it's from Meg's or Ellen's perspective, it just seems a bit impersonal and light compared to the rest of the story.

Apart from this, I thought this was a brilliant story, it made my cry more than once and I couldn't stop reading. I was thoroughly disappointed when it finished! In a way, it's quite depressing, because if a book this good and with such potential hasn't been spotted, I'm not sure what hope there is for hte rest of us!

Llongyfarchiadau/congratulations!
Rhian

I couldn't stop reading this - I love it!

It would definitely suit Key Stage 3 (years 7-9) in Secondary School and would make a great class read over one term, especially in Wales. Not sure if you know about it (I don't want to sound patronising!) but there is a big push in schools in Wales to include texts that in some way incorporate an element of Wales/the culture etc so that aspects of Wales/ Welsh can be made relevant to each subject, especially English, so texts like Carrie's War are v popular.

Have you thought about contacting publishers who specialise in school books? or even a Welsh one(if there is such a thing)?
If I was still teaching English and this was published I'd definitely splurge the departmental budget on a class set of these!

Pob lwc da'r llyfr

Rhian
x

there is nothing like a well told ghost story to grip young readers and this is certainly well told. everything is as a good story should be. i would have liked to read more and so will come back to it. i can think of nothing that needs improving (i read to chapter 5) and will update you when i have read more. i wish you luck with it. on my shelf.

Judith (Peaceweaver)

A lovely read with good characters and descriptive passages. The interaction between children and adults is believable. I think the prologue might be too long - especially judging from what I've been told about my original introduction to my story! - I think it would be fine for adult readers but children might need to get into the story sooner. A very promising read though and so shelved, Carolyn.

Lovely writing, a perfect childrens book, I would have loved this when I was younger but saying that I enjoyed it as an adult too.

Backed and shelved.

Claire

Nothing bad to say about this at all. It is sublime.

Andrew

shelved. This is easy beautiful writing.
I expected some supernatural horrors but
finally we have a real happy ending..Congratulations.
Suggestions.
The bits of Welsh and French. I´ve been told that more than
3 words you should translate as it annoys the reader.. You can also
give the flavour by repeating a few nice typical words.
All the best wishes to you................Mikey (The Free)

Hi Elizabeth, I've read the first four chapters and had to stop myself reading on, if time allowed and I wasnt reading from a computer, I think I might read this in one sitting. It was great, a little spooky with the ghost boy, I'd like to know what his story is. Your characters are great, my only comment would be that I think meg was a little too calm when she saw her mother in the hospital, "will you call me Meg" didnt quiet sit with me as something she might saw having been shown her mother in a coma, maybe a little too calm although I know she is a calm character. There is nothing more I can comment on, your style was great it drew me in and had me hooked from the start. I don't know why there are comments below saying this is childrens or young adults, I think this is all ages, its a gripping story, told very well. I'm putting it on my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Reading tea leaves and second sight can only bring great adventure. In your first chapter my heart went out to Mrs. Shaw, a harmless tea reading seamed to leave her quite unsettled. Even so that coupled with the shadowy boy who seemed to always disappear and the reader in eager to know more. Good luck with this. Reading on. C.P

BRave Meg. I like this a lot. Shelved.

I liked the book. I wondered about Ellen since I thought she might have a bigger role in the story after the opening scene. However, the story about Meg is strong and well-written. Shelved.

The Mill at Carreg Bran...

I love this. Great narrative drive and a main character that even an adult can care about more than enough to read the whole novel. I think you have your YA market locked.

I agree with the comments about eliminating your adverbs and your exclamation marks. Do that before this reaches the Editor's Desk and I think you have a real shot at a publishing contract.

Shelved without a qualm.

Cheers,
Sheryl (would be delighted if you would read and comment on mine...)

YOur writing is very smooth and captivating. I have read the first three chapters and it would be a book I would read on.

shelved

debbie14k

Hi Lizzie.
I'm sorry it's taken me a bit longer than I planned to get here for our read-swap.
I really like the atmosphere you've created with this story and I think you'll hit your target market perfectly. You've also captured the feeling of the time, with Meg's childhood. I admire the understated way you inject mystery, or tension, as with Mrs Shaw's unsmiling eyes. All the dialogue sounds right and although I'm not a great one for flashbacks, I think the way your story starts works quite well.
The ms was quite clean but I did make a couple of notes:
ch 1
'...asked the child, brightly,..' cut comma after 'child'.
Ellen stared in awe...I think you could slip her name in earlier, I was confused for a moment as to who Ellen was.
'leathery, kindly, shyly..watch those adverbs!
Also you tend to overuse exclamation marks.
'It felt as if she had come home.' Personally, I would cut this line. The previous sentence is a perfect place to end ch 1 and it leaves the reader slightly guessing whether the memory will be happy or bad.
Ch 2 ends very well, a real hook.

I'm putting this on my shelf, Lizzie, because I would definitely read on. I hope you enjoy KING'S ENVOY as much when you get to it.
All the best,
Cas.

Hi Elizabeth,

Read through ch4 and I have a few comments. I didn't realize at first this is YA or children's so I'd been concerned the writing was too simple but knowing that now, it's fine. It's the type of story young minds could definitely enjoy and understand.

Wondered about your ch1, which is more of a prologue, I think. I loved it but if the plot is about second sight, I didn't see that there. You might want to at least hint to that there.

Watch your POV--you switch from one to the other and even omnipescent a few times.

Also, too many exclamation points and they lose their impact. Use these very sparingly.

This is so minor but kittens are fully furred at birth so unless these are long haired, they wouldn't have more fur at ten days of age than they had at birth. Also, if eyes are half opening, they'd still have 5 to 6 weeks with the mother before weaning.

I also didn't really feel the children's anguish over losing a father and havng their mother so ill, nor that they were upset enough about going to stay with a relative they've never met but perhaps I haven't read far enough. But for YA, that's pretty hard stuff to write though.

Interesting enough to keep this on my WL and read more later. ~Barb

I've now read the remaining uploaded chapters, and find this story more delightful than ever. A lovely piece of work.

I've read the first five chapters. This is beautifully written, and simply a delight to read. Your characters and settings are drawn with skill and delicacy, and your dialogue captures speech rhythms to give each character their own voice, one true to that person's age and origins. And then there's the story! Engrossing from the start, the warmth and affection making the sadness all the more poignant.

Lovely, and on my shelf.

I really only started to read but am too tired to go on tonight. I know I like it and if I was in a bookstore I would go by it so I could finish it. I will come back to it tomorrow and try to remember to make more comments.
Shelved,
Barbara

This is a fluid piece of writing, whether narrative or dialogue:

“Meg felt her heart jump as she gazed up at the old farmhouse with its outbuildings and the remains of the windmill which could be seen across the field. She thought about the first time she had laid eyes on Ffarm Melin and how very different things were then. It felt as if she had come home.”

And who hasn’t been a party in some way to a conversation/discussion similar to this:

““Mrs. Shaw says we can have one of Molly’s kittens if it’s all right with you and Dad!” The statement came out in a rush, not as she had planned at all.
“Oh, could we? Please, please?” she implored.
Mum smiled. “Calm down! We-ell…” she hesitated for a few seconds, turning to consult her husband, who was serving a customer. “Wait just a minute. We’d better have a word with Daddy first, hadn’t we?”
“Have a word about what?” enquired Meg’s father, amused by his daughter’s obvious anxiety. “Did I hear something about kittens?”
“Well, I’m not sure,” her father teased, winking at his wife. “It’s a big decision. I mean - who would look after it if we went on holiday?””

So we have a very realistic framework for this story from the off. Then we get to the dream:

“Tonight’s dream was much worse – far worse than anything she could imagine. “

And the start of some really beautiful writing:

“A pale, silvery light shone through the gap between the thin curtains. Taking a deep breath, she eventually managed to sit up and, climbing slowly from her bed, went over to the window. The radiator was stone cold and her breath was visible as little clouds of steam each time she exhaled. Standing in only her nightdress and bare feet, Meg felt frozen to the core. There was a full moon. Just as she had pictured, the snow was falling again – huge, feather-like flakes, settling one atop the other to form a soft white layer, concealing the deadly ice beneath. “

This story unfolds effortlessly and for me was an enjoyable read and I have no doubt it will also prove so for its target audience. Backed.

ok, have read a few chapters and lookd over your comments so i dont keep repeating what others have said. ok, i agree taht instead of french use mperfect english, it is better for a reader. On the whole, i love your story. i truly think it amazing. i will also say that i am 17, so me saying this shows that there is potential for a young Adult market obviously.

I like the effortless writing, and the cute young characters. However, I'd eliminate the French. When speaking English, foreigners don't lapse into their native tongues all that much. They just imperfectly try to say what they're trying to say in English! I'm going to put this on my watchlist and will back it once a space becomes available on my bookshelf.

Lizzie,
This is an entirely engaging and compelling story. You have a wonderfully smooth writing style, with excellent dialogue and a strong sense of place. I like the present-day opener with Meg and Ellen at the church cemetery and then beginning the trip back in time in the next chapter.

My only suggestion is that you might want to emphasize the change in time periods a bit more, maybe something as simple as placing a date (1976?) at the beginning of Chapter Two to underscore the flashback. But no matter, that's a minor point: The story here is expertly delivered, and it's a beautiful story at that. Meg is such a charming character and I think all of us just want to hug her when she's begging her parents not to leave.

I have shelved this book and I'll continue reading.
Mark

This is really, really lovely. It sweeps you along, effortlessly with just the slightest subtlly laid hints of a darker undertone. It's my kind of book! Shelved! I did find a few nit-picks, but I will message you with them, as they are too insignifican to mention here. Best!

Hi Elizabeth,
What a well written and enchanting story - shelved.

I think your writing and descriptions of people and places are excellent, I'm more than a little jealous. You might however, think my comment on how you could improve this work a little strange. Move chapter 1 to the end of the book.

By the time I got to the end of Chapter 3, I was convinced that your prologue raises the wrong expectations. Excellent for a sequel, as we suspect Meg's daughter also has the sight, but it left me disatisfied because that's not the story you're telling. There is nothing told in ch 1 that we really need to know, especially not that Meg survives whatever is going to happen to her.

This book has top 5 written all over it, if you are prepared to work that hard on selling it here.

Cheers

John

Hi Lizzie,

What a lovely treat to read on the train on a Monday morning, hardly looking forward to the week ahead. Your story brightened up an already sunny day, and reminded me of the very best stories I associate with Wales - the main one that springs to mind in Jenny Nimmo's "The Snow Spider".

I loved Meg, and she was an instant character, arriving on the page fully formed and full of life. It was heartbreaking to read of her parents accident and this is where I think a little more sadness could have been injected... just a tad as it mustnt drag the book down but just a little.

But overall I loved it, and it took me back to my childhood in a flash. Classic storytelling, that needs to be finished.

Shelved.

Elizabeth,
For some reason Wales has always intrigued me. I do have a bit of family history there a few hundred years back, perhaps that is it. I liked that you set your story there. Good characters, Meg is very well drawn and your dialogue develops them nicely. I like this intriguing family gift idea. It gives your story originality and creates a great common bond. On my shelf.
Jeff

Read to the end of chapter 4. Your writing is detailed and interesting, and the characters are finely drawn. The dialogue is excellent and the story is developing at a nice pace.

Hi Lizzie,

Just read the first two chapters of your book, you have really built up intrigue and i was hooked from the beginning, wanting to know more about Meg, and her young daughter who is unnaturally insightful.

You characterisation is great, i feel i know the characters instantly, and your writing flows effortlessly.

I have two teeny weeny comments:
I think you use the exclamation mark a little too often. I have often read that you should only use it once every thousand words! which does seem extreme but i think a happy medium can be achieved.

And when Meg is asking if she can keep the kitten, and she says we never go on holiday, i think there is a typo -- shouldn't her father say 'I suppose we don't?' cause atm he says 'i suppose we do' which is contradictory.

Overall a great story which is well written and easy to immerse yourself into, i think the theme will appeal to audiences of all ages,

Well done and good luck!

Shelved,
Valentina x

Hi Elizabeth,
This is the kind of story I like to curl up with and just absorb. Your writing style is very inviting and you've drawn your characters well. I found it all very believable. Stories about people who communicate with or see ghosts often come across as tacky, and this was in no way tacky. Good job. On my shelf for a bit.

I can see this book appealing to tweens. But you might try beginning with the young Meg, allowing your intended audience to connect with her from the beginning. Right now, a reader might feel a little robbed because of the switch. I was focusing on Ellen myself and thought that the story was going to focus on her, but then I was confused about it being from the mother's point of view. That confusion distanced me a little bit.

I also noticed some small errors in the first chapter. When Mr. Roberts first appears, there is no hint that Meg recognizes him at first. In fact, I got the sense that he frightened her. But then you go on to say that she recognized him immediately. I wondered which it was.

Other than the strange knowledge of Ellen (about the farm) we don't get to see anything out-of-place or creepy until the end of chapter two. In my experience (which I will admit is limited), I don't think that a child will be that patient to get to the strangeness. Nor will they want to read an adult's POV when there are characters their age involved in the story. So, I still recommend starting from the young Meg's POV.

Other than these snags, I like the structure of the story. The characters have potential and I think that the creepiness will only increase as we go along. Bring in more of the "weird" elements in sooner, and I think you'll have children wide-eyed through the whole thing.

Thank you for the read!

~Brandi Guthrie~

Hi Elizabeth, I loved the premise of this book and its quaint old fashioned feel didn't disappoint. The narrative flows well and the dialogue is believeable and very well written. Its give an immediacy to the script which I really liked. The only crib I have is with the title. I'm not sure its exciting enough for children. Otherwise well donel. Marie C

Hi Lizzy, this is an intriguing tale and well written; your characters are nicely crafted and their dialogue very effective. I think you have the making of a really good book here, my only suggestion would be to pull the reader in with a bit more pace at the start, and to make sure that you finish more chapters with a hook. I think those things are easily done, given the subject matter. Very enjoyable. I'm happy to give this a bit of time on my shelf. Michael

Elizabeth, this has been on my watchlist for ages, and I wish I'd got to it sooner (possibly I was put off by the title, I don't know - I am a bit allergic to Welshness). Anyway, I'm glad I did. Your writing is smooth and lucid, you have a good set of characters. I found one or two sentences were too 'info dumpy' to be believable. But, a good effort, and on my shelf for a bit.

Dear Elizabeth, This is a very engrossing and well-written tale of the supernatural. Everything is just right: story, characters, pace. Meg is a wonderful protagonist: the perfect blend of intelligence, determination, and vulnerability. I identified with her so strongly from the very beginning that, like her, even though I knew the accident was coming, I still hoped it wouldn’t happen.

Your prose is a joy to read; there’s a lot of information and description, all necessary, but the writing is never less than graceful. As soon as I started the opening scene at the cemetery I knew I was in good hands: while giving hints and clues—Ellen also seems to have second sight—you also vividly evoke the setting and the characters, and finally bring Meg back to the farm in a double sense. Being a cat person, I also especially liked the description of Molly and her litter in Chapter 2: I was asking myself which kitten I’d choose.

I have only a few minor suggestions.

In the pitch, skip a space between the paragraphs to improve the look of it slightly. Also, in the first sentence of the second paragraph put “their only living relatives” immediately after “are sent to stay with” and insert a comma after “relatives” and another after “great aunt.”

In the typescript, don’t capitalize the names of the seasons, and revise the occasional sentence containing a “dangling modifier.” Two examples. In Chapter 2, “Negotiating her way . . . Meg’s attention was drawn”: instead something like “Meg noticed.” In Chapter 3, “Meg obediently rushed to the door but upon looking out into the street, there was no sign”: something like “she didn’t see the child anywhere.” Also, I’d insert a comma after “door.”

You say your book is intended for children, and I know the smart, sensitive ones will certainly enjoy it. I’ve heard there are adults who are in touch with their “inner child.” I’m one, and I know the others will enjoy the book as much as I am. On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

Lizzie
These are my thoughts, nitpicks and general notes as I read 3 chapters:

* For the ease of reading, start a new line when referring to a different character. E.g. Robert’s chuckles and speaks. New line “Ellen laughed….”

* I liked the “older than my teeth” line.

* “Well,” laughed Mr Roberts [comma]…” – comma rather than stop because the sentence continues.

* I have a thing for chapter endings. IMO they should make the reader want to turn the page, or if they have to stop, do so reluctantly, with eager anticipation of tomorrow’s chapter. I liked “It felt as if she’d come home.” However this is the second “felt” in the paragraph. I’m OK with this last one, but normally avoid saying how someone feels, SHOW us.
Chapter 2’s ending was weak as is chapter 3’s.

* The start of chapter 3 is fabulous. Chapter 1 and 2 start with weather. Chapter 1 should ‘always’ start with action rather than description and weather is the most predictable. Having said this, I was OK with the start, not gripped, but it’s a kids book and OK. However when chapter 2 was weather again, I was worried what was coming in chapter 3. SO you can write go starts. Possibly reconsider 1 and definitely change 2’s opening.

Overall it is well written. I feel it starts too slowly though. IMO chapter 3 should be 2 so we get to the dreams sooner. Could you cut and merge 1 and 2?

Looks like you have a good story and great potential.

On my shelf.
Chris (I Dare You)

Hi Elizabeth. I'm following the Rachel May / Paul House chain here (ha). What I found was a delight. I'm pulled right into your ghost story. Now, I want to write one myself! I like the way you write Billy's dialogue--characterizes him very well. The visions of the little boy across the street were well done, especially when they were backed up by Mrs. Shaw. That tells me this is not just Meg's imagination (although that would be intriguing as well). I'll back your fine story and have these simple suggestions for improvement.
Chapter 2
“Oh Billy, do you ever shut up!” she thought to herself. (italicize to show inner monologue and drop "she thought to herself".)
“He appeared to be staring across at the house.” (Just say, “He stared at the house.” In general, try to tighten up a bit here and there for readability.)
You know about the dialogue tags. I think they should be used only to indicate who is speaking, not how. Use the dialogue itself to indicate that, or describe something the speaker does visually to show how he says it.

Randy
(Buttermilk Moon)

I found your book because I saw that Paul House, a writer I truly admire and so I decided to read your story. This is well written and very visual. I love the descriptions of the litter girl Ellen, her dark hair streaming behind her. I also found the parts where Meg recognizes Mr. Roberts to be well done too. I love the part about the cake being store bought and you've introduced some mystery and pull right in the beginning. I did not have a problem wth "exclaim" or "announce" as I personally feel that repetitive: he said, she said can get dull. So I liked it for what that's worth.

Wishing you the best with this.

Welcome to my shelf.

Rachel May
Going Twice

I personally dislike almos any word other than 'said' so tha I found the use of 'explain', 'exclaim' and 'announce' a little clumsy, but that is very much a personal preference. The scene seems to me to have been set well and the writing is certainly competent, if a little cichéed in places. I shall put it on my shelf because I don't think I've found a ghost story I liked enough before. (Both my commens here are very much on a personal taste level and should not ut you off at all).

Paul House (Harbour)