Sevenwood

I love this story. Definately something I would read. Backed.
Clare - Persistence of Vision.

Backed with pleasure! Joss Morris (A Bore No More)

Csilla,

Here's my review of your first chapter.

I really like your opening lines about the kite. Well done. ;)

However, one thing I noticed was a lot of unnecessary "had," "that," and "was" words... some of them were indeed necessay, but others could be done away with. If a sentence reads well without these words or you can restructure the sentence to avoid them it will make your writing stronger.

I liked the line where you say her mother's smile hurt her more than her weeping. A nice touch ;)

The paragraph that starts with "Falling and crying looked like..." has two sentences which essentially say the same thing "In Mom said yes... Yet if she just nodded..." You might try to find a way to combine them into one thought at the end of the paragraph (where the hook of the line would be the strongest).

A couple lines later you write "She started and glanced up..." I think you should cut that down to "She glanced up..." The reason I suggest it is because "started" is a hard sound and doesn't mesh well with her preceding dialogue. When you glance up at something it hints at longing or desire, whereas when you start/jerk it implies fear or surprise. You might still want her to start, but just not after that particular piece of dialogue.

You also have the mother saying "I can't ask you such a thing." But then she asks... you have Emese look down at the carpet, but she does not express a change of mind, which would give her Mom the green light. Maybe have Emese mumble an 'Okay, I'll do it." or something similar. It will help your dialogue flow more naturally. Also think the dialogue leading to this point could be condensed by a line or two. Too much repetition of the same essential dialogue can make your dialogue sound a bit forced.

I would also suggest a bit more of Emese's thoughts intermingled into the dialogue with her mother. She seems too passively receptive of what is being asked until you write: "Stale darkness prevailed up there..."

How tall is Emese' mom and the ceiling in the room with the trap door? The trap doors I'm familiar with usually require either someone tall to pull them down or have a rope you can pull on. However, this is a minor point because the reader could imagine her Mom being tall enough to undo the latches. Just make sure she is tall ;)

I really like your attic scene. Very descriptive.

You slip into the present tense when you say "The song has stopped..." It should read "The song stopped..." You don't need the had, either.

Also you say "Eseme stood leaning to the ladder..." I think you might want to change it to "Eseme leaned on the ladder..."

I also like the ending of the chapter... especially the "She said she would return. But she never did." It does a good job of leading the reader to the next chapter.

Overall, I see a lot of promise with the story. However the technical issues are holding it back. If you do polish this up please let me know and I'll reread it and give you some more feedback.

Best Wishes,
Joseph

Hi Csilla. I noticed your cover and your profile is intriguing. Your story is alarmingly captivating. You open with emotions well underway. Your greatest gift is suspense. You build it and hold it and knead it in your hands. You let the reader squirm and beg to be released, but your not finished. You stretch it out and beat it down and leave the reader breathless before you divert the suspense into a new directions. Shelved. Good luck. Janet Marie (koodos to Kalman too)

I started this and I liked it. I'm not really sure who your audience is, but I get the feeling that your MC is rather young. Also, though I did like it, I strugled with your beginning. I just wasn't drawn into the story right off, which bothered me. The other problem I had was, though I'm not so wonderful at grammar myself, I noticed several grammatical errors right off the bat, and that isn't really appealing to a reader who just picks up the book and starts reading...

After I got past the beginning, though, it became easier to read and now I'm intrigued. I would like to know what happens next, and I will certainly continue to read. You have made some interesting characters.

I wanted to point something out though... something my grammar teacher is continuously bothering me about.

In this sentence here... "It’s dark up there, she wanted to say" Who wanted to say? I know it's emese, but it took me a couple minutes to realize that, and you don't want readers taking time to ponder over a tiny detail like that. Also, in this fragment (which is perfectly fine as a fragment, I might say) "Big bright eyes" Who's big bright eyes? Her mother's, I assume, but you should somehow mention that. It took me a couple minutes to work that one out too, as first I had an image of emese with big bright eyes, and then realized it was supposed to be her mother.

SO

It's on my WL and will remain there... I still want to know what happens! Your characters seem colorful and interesting... I'd like to read more about them

*Thumbs up*

Hi Csilla
This is an interesting story. Well written and great characters. I will say that I nearly didn't read on after chapter 1 as I felt it very awkward and hard to read. I did read on because of one of the forum posts.

Your story is intriguing and I would like to know what happens. You throw in some interesting hints that do make me want to find out where this story goes.

One little thing though. I am aware that this is a translation, and at times this is easy to see. Be aware of this. Watch for incorrect interpretations. ie: chapter 7 when Judit says you think you are not special, I think should be you think you are special. There were a couple of others, but I didn't note them. I am not going to shelve this at the moment as I think chapter 1 needs more work as normally, I would have skimmed the first chapter and moved on to another story.

If you do an edit, please let me know and I will re-read this. Make me want to read past the first few paragraphs and it will deserve a shelf. Good luck with this.

Csilla, no doubt, you are one of the best contemporary fantasy writers. I don't mean of Hungarian fantasy writers only as I am sure your stories would attract plenty of readers from all across the world.

I've been lucky enough to read the whole novel in Hungarian and your genius, the way you mix the 2 worlds, the real one with the fairy one, which is quite uniqe in fantasy literature as this fairy world is rooted in Hungarian folk tales, amazed me. The aforementioned Hungarian roots adds a very special feature to your novel, yet it is very easy for any reader with any background to identify themselves with the characters and the story itself as it examines universal questions, such as the difficulties of growing up and realtionship with parents, not only from the child's aspect.

It is brilliant indeed, a treasure, a secret kept well so far. I hope you will manage to share this secret with many other readers soon.

I've just dipped into the first chapter and now want to read the entire book. You have a beautiful image of a child whose play is thwarted by the tears of her mother. It is very distressing for a child to see her mother cry. I was right there with Emese. I especially loved this sentence.

...a silent sob fluttered from wall to wall within the house as if it were a blackbird trapped inside.

What a fresh, vivid image.

As you describe the mother, whose walk is like dancing, and she tells us that she was trying to get up into the loft, my mind instantly goes to the Silikies. I am wondering if she is a Silkie or some other mythical creature of transformation. I am not familiar with Hungarian folklore, but am now really hooked, as I want to find out what this mother's mystery is. Learning about her through Emese's experience will make the journey emotional and gripping.

Csilla, Your telling maintained the transitions from the present-day world, Emese's worries about her friends, to her experiences with the fairy realm. Its all narrated solemnly and dreamily. You've used metaphors in a way that makes the transition such as "Memories crept sluggishly out of their lairs", reminding the reader of the black cat and the stripes on her father's back. I had to see what was happening to Chapter 10. I'll be shelving it.

Hi there, I was pulled into your story, you have a great eye for detail and you set the scene well. I very much like your MC, she is well drawn and believable. Your story is interesting and original and deserves to do well. Already shelved.
Best wishes,
Annabelle
(Look forward to your thoughts on Adelaide ;-))

you have a lovely way of showing the scenes to your reader, with some nice turns of phrase.

there are no obvious nitpicks, and the writing is nice and tight.

finding a little time on my shelf for you-TJ

Hello Csilla, This certainly has some enchantment to it, mainly because of the mother's disappearance and the way Emese sees her life afterwards. The symbol of the kitten might be overdone but I can see how a young reader would be entranced with the peer conversation and then lines like "She liked vines at an early age." The chapter with the man and "No one can get to the heart of the forest" and the stripes she sees on her father's back, saying "Go to hell." Surroundings and then striking images. I got halfway through and will be reading more.

Beautiful cover. Spellbinding writing. Questions unanswered. Hooks. Fascinating characters. Emese's thoughts when she found her mother crying were so real.

Loved it. On my Watch List till I get room on my shelf.

Joanna

i am not a fantasy reader, but your first chapter has an other-wordly feel to it (probably in part as it is translated) but also because you have set a slightly out of kilter tone, with your descriptions of the mom. One note on that 'mom' is the American word. Not sure who this is for but 'mum' is UK. I will shelve this based on the strength and beauty of the prose, rather than because i would read it, but i know plenty that would.

I love the way this starts with somthing so elegant and human - nothing grand or portentous, just taking us to teh heart of your characters. Lovely

I love the way this starts with somthing so elegant and human - nothing grand or portentous, just taking us to teh heart of your characters. Lovely

I read this novel in Hungarian and I loved it, Csilla is one of the best Hungarian fantasy writers. I really recommend this novel. :)

Hi Csilla
What a lovely uplifting image to start your book, the hopes of the young girl over the simple pleasure of flying a kite. I like the line about the winds being high as are Emese’s hopes.
This is followed by an endearing image of the little girl comforting her Mum. This is touching and well-written from the child’s point of view. Don’t all kids think their parents are supposed to be invincible?
Similarly, the scene where the mother is asking her daughter to get ‘whatever is in the loft’ plays out well. You sense the mother’s reluctance and yet her desperate need. From a child’s perspective this presents quite a dilemma and one that I am sure a lot of children will be able to identify with.
The scene in the loft works well. We see the child’s fear but the depth of her relationship with her mother through the way that her singing calms her.
What an ending! This really is gripping stuff and the perfect cliff-hanger for the rest of the book. What a terrifying thought for a child that their mother would just walk out on them.
I think this has great potential and I am sure that the other YA author here will welcome you with open arms. Sadly, I’m not part of that community but welcome you, too.
Kipper